Adele Archer's Blog, page 3

Sing II (Competition Special)!

[image error]

If you ever read this blog (c’mon, you do, don’t you?), you’ll know I joined an all-female choir a couple of months back. Well, since that time, we’ve been involved in a competition! So, I thought you might like to hear about my exciting experience of top-level, all-female, fight-to-the-death, choir face-off…type…deals…

As you will recall, we have been learning four songs since January; ‘Michelle’ by the Beatles, Rodger and Hammerstein’s’ ‘Oklahoma’, ‘Sahayta’ by Ben Allaway, and ‘Tread Softly’ – a Yeats poem set to musical arrangement by one of our clever choir tutors. I believe I may have bellyached a little bit in the former blog (really? Moi?) about how immensely difficult I found it to commit these tunes to memory (and when I say tunes, not the tunes you may be familiar with, but a harmony peculiar only to the Alto 1’s section of these melodies (and there were only five of us Alto 1s, so you couldn’t just mouth along silently or get it wrong) – whilst simultaneously listening to thirty-eight other harmonies going on at the same time [slight exaggeration]). However, with a great deal of practice over the course of eight weeks, I managed to sing all four songs relatively confidently.

[image error]

In those eight weeks I learned how to ‘note crunch’ – for me, at least, that means deciphering actual musical notes into letter-form, to learn the tune. Even though I can now recognise middle C, D, E, and F by sight, I still evidently can’t read music. But what I lack in musical talent, I make up for in not-liking-to-look-stupid-ness. Not that looking at a note in letter-form ever really conjures up the actual sound or pitch of that note in my head, but for some reason, having the lettered-notes jotted down underneath the actual ones in pencil always helps me to understand in which direction the musical score is going next. But by far and away the thing that really helped me turn the corner was when the class tutors emailed us recordings of them singing our particular sections. I have a good ear – especially for harmony. I can remember the things I hear far better than the things I see, so after this, I found the business of learning the songs by rote relatively straightforward. But please don’t think it was ever easy. ‘Oklahoma’ alone was twenty pages long to learn from memory (no sheet music allowed on competition day). Eeeek.

[image error]

So, last weekend around thirty-five members of my choir converged in a small church in the city of Bath with seven other choirs in the morning (to sing two choir-standards) and five other choirs in the afternoon (to sing two popular/show songs). I was blown away by the standard of the other choirs. Not that I ever expected other groups to be sitting around week after week practising ‘Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star’ in unison – but they were gooooood. Really good. Obviously, all choirs were female, and all dressed in black, but all adorning a splash of identity; some with brightly-coloured scarves, some with necklaces of pure bling, some wore turquoise cardigans, some wore cerise cardigans (one group wore royal-blue, floor-length bridesmaid dresses – I still don’t know what that was about). Some, during warm-up,  even sported identical jackets with their choir name printed on the back (I really think we ought to invest in some boxing-style silky, hooded bathrobes for our choir next year, and enter the church ducking and weaving to the theme of ‘Rocky’). But our thing was colourful heels – leopard-print boots, in my case.  I’m going to refer to those other choirs by their ‘identity’ from now on – their bit of flair. I mean, I could go and look up the choir names, but that would require…y’know…effort.

I personally believe our morning set was good, but I didn’t think it was as flawless as we’d have liked. One of our songs required staggered and fast-paced clapping (oh my God, isn’t singing hard enough??!). And the adjudicator seemed to think our clapping was a little ‘dicey’ in places. I don’t know, perhaps she was right. Anyway, I was surprised and terribly pleased to hear we came second in the morning session, even after the ‘dicey’ feedback.

[image error]

But I had always known we were REALLY in with a shot with our afternoon set (‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’ – particularly ‘Oklahoma’ due to its complexity, and five-part harmony). Like I say, every choir there performed to an astonishingly high standard – there was to be no smug gloating from me. But I think – if I’m honest – one choir did stand out a bit. These were ‘The Turquoise Cardigans’ (their real name is unpronounceable). I particularly liked their version of ‘On a Clear Day’. They really knew how to atmospherically fill a church. Mind you, there were thirty-thousand of them. And I know that because I had to clap for over two minutes whilst all of them ceremoniously trooped up on stage. They didn’t even fit up on stage. My hands were actually sore when I could finally stop politely clapping. But I knew just by their swagger that they were the choir to beat. And ‘On a Clear Day’ proved it. I think they also performed ‘Everything’s Coming up Roses’ which was also really good.

[image error]

Then it was our turn. Battling hard to remember every word, every note, we performed ‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’. Both went well from where I was standing. But ‘Oklahoma’ had people (choirs and audience alike) bouncing around in the pews – I kid you not. I could actually see the choir conductor of ‘The Poppy-Print Scarves’ smile and sigh resignedly when we finished. Follow that, baby! The equally talented ‘Cerise Cardigans’ even kindly tweeted about our great afternoon performance later on Twitter (I do like choir-folk). It had gone well – very well.

Once all six choirs had performed, the adjudicator’s announcement was a bit of an anti-climax, to say the least. She didn’t announce any of the runners-up, merely the winners. And I’m afraid to tell you, readers, that wasn’t us. We didn’t beat those pesky ‘Turquoise Cardigans’. However, I only found out later that we came second. But it was a very respectable second, if you ask me. All the other choirs really were amazing, so I was thrilled that we did as well as we did; second in both morning and afternoon categories. BOOOOOMMSHAKALAK!

My husband, kids, sister-in-law, niece, and mother-in-law had all been spectators, but were a tad disgruntled. You see, they felt we should have won; ‘you woz’ robbed!’ they barked in Costa coffee shop later that afternoon (they really need to improve their grammar). Hmmm…I’m not sure if we woz, though (I mean, were). ‘Turquoise Cardigans’ were truly impressive. As were all the other choirs. There was only one point in it between first and second place. Maybe it was anyone’s game. And as a non-impartial choir-member; my attention entirely focused on remembering my individual part (a tiny cog in a large machine), I just couldn’t say. But I’m still massively happy with the result. And it only makes me more competitive for next time. If that’s humanly possible

[image error]

But all that’s water under the bridge now. Choir practice this week presented us with three new songs. So, I’m back to square one – where I started at the beginning of January. Flummoxed again; more note-crunching, more weeks of warbling alone in my bedroom (much to my cats’ delight – they really love a belted-out show tune). But this time, I have the benefit of experience. This time, I know those songs can be learned by rote in only a few weeks, if you put in the work. And this time, there is the added excitement of some SOLOS! Eeeek! Do I dare put my hand up for one of those, readers…? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

NB: If you were at the competition and I haven’t got some of my facts straight, please allow for A) my poor, nerve-wracked memory, and B) artistic licence. But I always try to give at least a passing nod towards the truth.

Sing II (Competition Special)!

[image error]

If you ever read this blog (c’mon, you do, don’t you?), you’ll know I joined an all-female choir a couple of months back. Well, since that time, we’ve been involved in a competition! So, I thought you might like to hear about my exciting experience of top-level, all-female, fight-to-the-death, choir face-off…type…deals…

As you will recall, we have been learning four songs since January; ‘Michelle’ by the Beatles, Rodger and Hammerstein’s’ ‘Oklahoma’, ‘Sahayta’ by Ben Allaway, and ‘Tread Softly’ – a Yeats poem set to musical arrangement by one of our clever choir tutors. I believe I may have bellyached a little bit in the former blog (really? Moi?) about how immensely difficult I found it to commit these tunes to memory (and when I say tunes, not the tunes you may be familiar with, but a harmony peculiar only to the Alto 1’s section of these melodies (and there were only five of us Alto 1s, so you couldn’t just mouth along silently or get it wrong) – whilst simultaneously listening to thirty-eight other harmonies going on at the same time [slight exaggeration]). However, with a great deal of practice over the course of eight weeks, I managed to sing all four songs relatively confidently.

[image error]

In those eight weeks I learned how to ‘note crunch’ – for me, at least, that means deciphering actual musical notes into letter-form, to learn the tune. Even though I can now recognise middle C, D, E, and F by sight, I still evidently can’t read music. But what I lack in musical talent, I make up for in not-liking-to-look-stupid-ness. Not that looking at a note in letter-form ever really conjures up the actual sound or pitch of that note in my head, but for some reason, having the lettered-notes jotted down underneath the actual ones in pencil always helps me to understand in which direction the musical score is going next. But by far and away the thing that really helped me turn the corner was when the class tutors emailed us recordings of them singing our particular sections. I have a good ear – especially for harmony. I can remember the things I hear far better than the things I see, so after this, I found the business of learning the songs by rote relatively straightforward. But please don’t think it was ever easy. ‘Oklahoma’ alone was twenty pages long to learn from memory (no sheet music allowed on competition day). Eeeek.

[image error]

So, last weekend around thirty-five members of my choir converged in a small church in the city of Bath with seven other choirs in the morning (to sing two choir-standards) and five other choirs in the afternoon (to sing two popular/show songs). I was blown away by the standard of the other choirs. Not that I ever expected other groups to be sitting around week after week practising ‘Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star’ in unison – but they were gooooood. Really good. Obviously, all choirs were female, and all dressed in black, but all adorning a splash of identity; some with brightly-coloured scarves, some with necklaces of pure bling, some wore turquoise cardigans, some wore cerise cardigans (one group wore royal-blue, floor-length bridesmaid dresses – I still don’t know what that was about). Some, during warm-up,  even sported identical jackets with their choir name printed on the back (I really think we ought to invest in some boxing-style silky, hooded bathrobes for our choir next year, and enter the church ducking and weaving to the theme of ‘Rocky’). But our thing was colourful heels – leopard-print boots, in my case.  I’m going to refer to those other choirs by their ‘identity’ from now on – their bit of flair. I mean, I could go and look up the choir names, but that would require…y’know…effort.

I personally believe our morning set was good, but I didn’t think it was as flawless as we’d have liked. One of our songs required staggered and fast-paced clapping (oh my God, isn’t singing hard enough??!). And the adjudicator seemed to think our clapping was a little ‘dicey’ in places. I don’t know, perhaps she was right. Anyway, I was surprised and terribly pleased to hear we came second in the morning session, even after the ‘dicey’ feedback.

[image error]

But I had always known we were REALLY in with a shot with our afternoon set (‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’ – particularly ‘Oklahoma’ due to its complexity, and five-part harmony). Like I say, every choir there performed to an astonishingly high standard – there was to be no smug gloating from me. But I think – if I’m honest – one choir did stand out a bit. These were ‘The Turquoise Cardigans’ (their real name is unpronounceable). I particularly liked their version of ‘On a Clear Day’. They really knew how to atmospherically fill a church. Mind you, there were thirty-thousand of them. And I know that because I had to clap for over two minutes whilst all of them ceremoniously trooped up on stage. They didn’t even fit up on stage. My hands were actually sore when I could finally stop politely clapping. But I knew just by their swagger that they were the choir to beat. And ‘On a Clear Day’ proved it. I think they also performed ‘Everything’s Coming up Roses’ which was also really good.

[image error]

Then it was our turn. Battling hard to remember every word, every note, we performed ‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’. Both went well from where I was standing. But ‘Oklahoma’ had people (choirs and audience alike) bouncing around in the pews – I kid you not. I could actually see the choir conductor of ‘The Poppy-Print Scarves’ smile and sigh resignedly when we finished. Follow that, baby! The equally talented ‘Cerise Cardigans’ even kindly tweeted about our great afternoon performance later on Twitter (I do like choir-folk). It had gone well – very well.

Once all six choirs had performed, the adjudicator’s announcement was a bit of an anti-climax, to say the least. She didn’t announce any of the runners-up, merely the winners. And I’m afraid to tell you, readers, that wasn’t us. We didn’t beat those pesky ‘Turquoise Cardigans’. However, I only found out later that we came second. But it was a very respectable second, if you ask me. All the other choirs really were amazing, so I was thrilled that we did as well as we did; second in both morning and afternoon categories. BOOOOOMMSHAKALAK!

My husband, kids, sister-in-law, niece, and mother-in-law had all been spectators, but were a tad disgruntled. You see, they felt we should have won; ‘you woz’ robbed!’ they barked in Costa coffee shop later that afternoon (they really need to improve their grammar). Hmmm…I’m not sure if we woz, though (I mean, were). ‘Turquoise Cardigans’ were truly impressive. As were all the other choirs. There was only one point in it between first and second place. Maybe it was anyone’s game. And as a non-impartial choir-member; my attention entirely focused on remembering my individual part (a tiny cog in a large machine), I just couldn’t say. But I’m still massively happy with the result. And it only makes me more competitive for next time. If that’s humanly possible

[image error]

But all that’s water under the bridge now. Choir practice this week presented us with three new songs. So, I’m back to square one – where I started at the beginning of January. Flummoxed again; more note-crunching, more weeks of warbling alone in my bedroom (much to my cats’ delight – they really love a belted-out show tune). But this time, I have the benefit of experience. This time, I know those songs can be learned by rote in only a few weeks, if you put in the work. And this time, there is the added excitement of some SOLOS! Eeeek! Do I dare put my hand up for one of those, readers…? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

NB: If you were at the competition and I haven’t got some of my facts straight, please allow for A) my poor, nerve-wracked memory, and B) artistic licence. But I always try to give at least a passing nod towards the truth.

Sing II (Competition Special)!

[image error]

If you ever read this blog (c’mon, you do, don’t you?), you’ll know I joined an all-female choir a couple of months back. Well, since that time, we’ve been involved in a competition! So, I thought you might like to hear about my exciting experience of top-level, all-female, fight-to-the-death, choir face-off…type…deals…

As you will recall, we have been learning four songs since January; ‘Michelle’ by the Beatles, Rodger and Hammerstein’s’ ‘Oklahoma’, ‘Sahayta’ by Ben Allaway, and ‘Tread Softly’ – a Yeats poem set to musical arrangement by one of our clever choir tutors. I believe I may have bellyached a little bit in the former blog (really? Moi?) about how immensely difficult I found it to commit these tunes to memory (and when I say tunes, not the tunes you may be familiar with, but a harmony peculiar only to the Alto 1’s section of these melodies (and there were only five of us Alto 1s, so you couldn’t just mouth along silently or get it wrong) – whilst simultaneously listening to thirty-eight other harmonies going on at the same time [slight exaggeration]). However, with a great deal of practice over the course of eight weeks, I managed to sing all four songs relatively confidently.

[image error]

In those eight weeks I learned how to ‘note crunch’ – for me, at least, that means deciphering actual musical notes into letter-form, to learn the tune. Even though I can now recognise middle C, D, E, and F by sight, I still evidently can’t read music. But what I lack in musical talent, I make up for in not-liking-to-look-stupid-ness. Not that looking at a note in letter-form ever really conjures up the actual sound or pitch of that note in my head, but for some reason, having the lettered-notes jotted down underneath the actual ones in pencil always helps me to understand in which direction the musical score is going next. But by far and away the thing that really helped me turn the corner was when the class tutors emailed us recordings of them singing our particular sections. I have a good ear – especially for harmony. I can remember the things I hear far better than the things I see, so after this, I found the business of learning the songs by rote relatively straightforward. But please don’t think it was ever easy. ‘Oklahoma’ alone was twenty pages long to learn from memory (no sheet music allowed on competition day). Eeeek.

[image error]

So, last weekend around thirty-five members of my choir converged in a small church in the city of Bath with seven other choirs in the morning (to sing two choir-standards) and five other choirs in the afternoon (to sing two popular/show songs). I was blown away by the standard of the other choirs. Not that I ever expected other groups to be sitting around week after week practising ‘Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star’ in unison – but they were gooooood. Really good. Obviously, all choirs were female, and all dressed in black, but all adorning a splash of identity; some with brightly-coloured scarves, some with necklaces of pure bling, some wore turquoise cardigans, some wore cerise cardigans (one group wore royal-blue, floor-length bridesmaid dresses – I still don’t know what that was about). Some, during warm-up,  even sported identical jackets with their choir name printed on the back (I really think we ought to invest in some boxing-style silky, hooded bathrobes for our choir next year, and enter the church ducking and weaving to the theme of ‘Rocky’). But our thing was colourful heels – leopard-print boots, in my case.  I’m going to refer to those other choirs by their ‘identity’ from now on – their bit of flair. I mean, I could go and look up the choir names, but that would require…y’know…effort.

I personally believe our morning set was good, but I didn’t think it was as flawless as we’d have liked. One of our songs required staggered and fast-paced clapping (oh my God, isn’t singing hard enough??!). And the adjudicator seemed to think our clapping was a little ‘dicey’ in places. I don’t know, perhaps she was right. Anyway, I was surprised and terribly pleased to hear we came second in the morning session, even after the ‘dicey’ feedback.

[image error]

But I had always known we were REALLY in with a shot with our afternoon set (‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’ – particularly ‘Oklahoma’ due to its complexity, and five-part harmony). Like I say, every choir there performed to an astonishingly high standard – there was to be no smug gloating from me. But I think – if I’m honest – one choir did stand out a bit. These were ‘The Turquoise Cardigans’ (their real name is unpronounceable). I particularly liked their version of ‘On a Clear Day’. They really knew how to atmospherically fill a church. Mind you, there were thirty-thousand of them. And I know that because I had to clap for over two minutes whilst all of them ceremoniously trooped up on stage. They didn’t even fit up on stage. My hands were actually sore when I could finally stop politely clapping. But I knew just by their swagger that they were the choir to beat. And ‘On a Clear Day’ proved it. I think they also performed ‘Everything’s Coming up Roses’ which was also really good.

[image error]

Then it was our turn. Battling hard to remember every word, every note, we performed ‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’. Both went well from where I was standing. But ‘Oklahoma’ had people (choirs and audience alike) bouncing around in the pews – I kid you not. I could actually see the choir conductor of ‘The Poppy-Print Scarves’ smile and sigh resignedly when we finished. Follow that, baby! The equally talented ‘Cerise Cardigans’ even kindly tweeted about our great afternoon performance later on Twitter (I do like choir-folk). It had gone well – very well.

Once all six choirs had performed, the adjudicator’s announcement was a bit of an anti-climax, to say the least. She didn’t announce any of the runners-up, merely the winners. And I’m afraid to tell you, readers, that wasn’t us. We didn’t beat those pesky ‘Turquoise Cardigans’. However, I only found out later that we came second. But it was a very respectable second, if you ask me. All the other choirs really were amazing, so I was thrilled that we did as well as we did; second in both morning and afternoon categories. BOOOOOMMSHAKALAK!

My husband, kids, sister-in-law, niece, and mother-in-law had all been spectators, but were a tad disgruntled. You see, they felt we should have won; ‘you woz’ robbed!’ they barked in Costa coffee shop later that afternoon (they really need to improve their grammar). Hmmm…I’m not sure if we woz, though (I mean, were). ‘Turquoise Cardigans’ were truly impressive. As were all the other choirs. There was only one point in it between first and second place. Maybe it was anyone’s game. And as a non-impartial choir-member; my attention entirely focused on remembering my individual part (a tiny cog in a large machine), I just couldn’t say. But I’m still massively happy with the result. And it only makes me more competitive for next time. If that’s humanly possible

[image error]

But all that’s water under the bridge now. Choir practice this week presented us with three new songs. So, I’m back to square one – where I started at the beginning of January. Flummoxed again; more note-crunching, more weeks of warbling alone in my bedroom (much to my cats’ delight – they really love a belted-out show tune). But this time, I have the benefit of experience. This time, I know those songs can be learned by rote in only a few weeks, if you put in the work. And this time, there is the added excitement of some SOLOS! Eeeek! Do I dare put my hand up for one of those, readers…? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

NB: If you were at the competition and I haven’t got some of my facts straight, please allow for A) my poor, nerve-wracked memory, and B) artistic licence. But I always try to give at least a passing nod towards the truth.

Sing II (Competition Special)!

[image error]

If you ever read this blog (c’mon, you do, don’t you?), you’ll know I joined an all-female choir a couple of months back. Well, since that time, we’ve been involved in a competition! So, I thought you might like to hear about my exciting experience of top-level, all-female, fight-to-the-death, choir face-off…type…deals…

As you will recall, we have been learning four songs since January; ‘Michelle’ by the Beatles, Rodger and Hammerstein’s’ ‘Oklahoma’, ‘Sahayta’ by Ben Allaway, and ‘Tread Softly’ – a Yeats poem set to musical arrangement by one of our clever choir tutors. I believe I may have bellyached a little bit in the former blog (really? Moi?) about how immensely difficult I found it to commit these tunes to memory (and when I say tunes, not the tunes you may be familiar with, but a harmony peculiar only to the Alto 1’s section of these melodies (and there were only five of us Alto 1s, so you couldn’t just mouth along silently or get it wrong) – whilst simultaneously listening to thirty-eight other harmonies going on at the same time [slight exaggeration]). However, with a great deal of practice over the course of eight weeks, I managed to sing all four songs relatively confidently.

[image error]

In those eight weeks I learned how to ‘note crunch’ – for me, at least, that means deciphering actual musical notes into letter-form, to learn the tune. Even though I can now recognise middle C, D, E, and F by sight, I still evidently can’t read music. But what I lack in musical talent, I make up for in not-liking-to-look-stupid-ness. Not that looking at a note in letter-form ever really conjures up the actual sound or pitch of that note in my head, but for some reason, having the lettered-notes jotted down underneath the actual ones in pencil always helps me to understand in which direction the musical score is going next. But by far and away the thing that really helped me turn the corner was when the class tutors emailed us recordings of them singing our particular sections. I have a good ear – especially for harmony. I can remember the things I hear far better than the things I see, so after this, I found the business of learning the songs by rote relatively straightforward. But please don’t think it was ever easy. ‘Oklahoma’ alone was twenty pages long to learn from memory (no sheet music allowed on competition day). Eeeek.

[image error]

So, last weekend around thirty-five members of my choir converged in a small church in the city of Bath with seven other choirs in the morning (to sing two choir-standards) and five other choirs in the afternoon (to sing two popular/show songs). I was blown away by the standard of the other choirs. Not that I ever expected other groups to be sitting around week after week practising ‘Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star’ in unison – but they were gooooood. Really good. Obviously, all choirs were female, and all dressed in black, but all adorning a splash of identity; some with brightly-coloured scarves, some with necklaces of pure bling, some wore turquoise cardigans, some wore cerise cardigans (one group wore royal-blue, floor-length bridesmaid dresses – I still don’t know what that was about). Some, during warm-up,  even sported identical jackets with their choir name printed on the back (I really think we ought to invest in some boxing-style silky, hooded bathrobes for our choir next year, and enter the church ducking and weaving to the theme of ‘Rocky’). But our thing was colourful heels – leopard-print boots, in my case.  I’m going to refer to those other choirs by their ‘identity’ from now on – their bit of flair. I mean, I could go and look up the choir names, but that would require…y’know…effort.

I personally believe our morning set was good, but I didn’t think it was as flawless as we’d have liked. One of our songs required staggered and fast-paced clapping (oh my God, isn’t singing hard enough??!). And the adjudicator seemed to think our clapping was a little ‘dicey’ in places. I don’t know, perhaps she was right. Anyway, I was surprised and terribly pleased to hear we came second in the morning session, even after the ‘dicey’ feedback.

[image error]

But I had always known we were REALLY in with a shot with our afternoon set (‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’ – particularly ‘Oklahoma’ due to its complexity, and five-part harmony). Like I say, every choir there performed to an astonishingly high standard – there was to be no smug gloating from me. But I think – if I’m honest – one choir did stand out a bit. These were ‘The Turquoise Cardigans’ (their real name is unpronounceable). I particularly liked their version of ‘On a Clear Day’. They really knew how to atmospherically fill a church. Mind you, there were thirty-thousand of them. And I know that because I had to clap for over two minutes whilst all of them ceremoniously trooped up on stage. They didn’t even fit up on stage. My hands were actually sore when I could finally stop politely clapping. But I knew just by their swagger that they were the choir to beat. And ‘On a Clear Day’ proved it. I think they also performed ‘Everything’s Coming up Roses’ which was also really good.

[image error]

Then it was our turn. Battling hard to remember every word, every note, we performed ‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’. Both went well from where I was standing. But ‘Oklahoma’ had people (choirs and audience alike) bouncing around in the pews – I kid you not. I could actually see the choir conductor of ‘The Poppy-Print Scarves’ smile and sigh resignedly when we finished. Follow that, baby! The equally talented ‘Cerise Cardigans’ even kindly tweeted about our great afternoon performance later on Twitter (I do like choir-folk). It had gone well – very well.

Once all six choirs had performed, the adjudicator’s announcement was a bit of an anti-climax, to say the least. She didn’t announce any of the runners-up, merely the winners. And I’m afraid to tell you, readers, that wasn’t us. We didn’t beat those pesky ‘Turquoise Cardigans’. However, I only found out later that we came second. But it was a very respectable second, if you ask me. All the other choirs really were amazing, so I was thrilled that we did as well as we did; second in both morning and afternoon categories. BOOOOOMMSHAKALAK!

My husband, kids, sister-in-law, niece, and mother-in-law had all been spectators, but were a tad disgruntled. You see, they felt we should have won; ‘you woz’ robbed!’ they barked in Costa coffee shop later that afternoon (they really need to improve their grammar). Hmmm…I’m not sure if we woz, though (I mean, were). ‘Turquoise Cardigans’ were truly impressive. As were all the other choirs. There was only one point in it between first and second place. Maybe it was anyone’s game. And as a non-impartial choir-member; my attention entirely focused on remembering my individual part (a tiny cog in a large machine), I just couldn’t say. But I’m still massively happy with the result. And it only makes me more competitive for next time. If that’s humanly possible

[image error]

But all that’s water under the bridge now. Choir practice this week presented us with three new songs. So, I’m back to square one – where I started at the beginning of January. Flummoxed again; more note-crunching, more weeks of warbling alone in my bedroom (much to my cats’ delight – they really love a belted-out show tune). But this time, I have the benefit of experience. This time, I know those songs can be learned by rote in only a few weeks, if you put in the work. And this time, there is the added excitement of some SOLOS! Eeeek! Do I dare put my hand up for one of those, readers…? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

NB: If you were at the competition and I haven’t got some of my facts straight, please allow for A) my poor, nerve-wracked memory, and B) artistic licence. But I always try to give at least a passing nod towards the truth.

Sing II (Competition Special)!

[image error]

If you ever read this blog (c’mon, you do, don’t you?), you’ll know I joined an all-female choir a couple of months back. Well, since that time, we’ve been involved in a competition! So, I thought you might like to hear about my exciting experience of top-level, all-female, fight-to-the-death, choir face-off…type…deals…

As you will recall, we have been learning four songs since January; ‘Michelle’ by the Beatles, Rodger and Hammerstein’s’ ‘Oklahoma’, ‘Sahayta’ by Ben Allaway, and ‘Tread Softly’ – a Yeats poem set to musical arrangement by one of our clever choir tutors. I believe I may have bellyached a little bit in the former blog (really? Moi?) about how immensely difficult I found it to commit these tunes to memory (and when I say tunes, not the tunes you may be familiar with, but a harmony peculiar only to the Alto 1’s section of these melodies (and there were only five of us Alto 1s, so you couldn’t just mouth along silently or get it wrong) – whilst simultaneously listening to thirty-eight other harmonies going on at the same time [slight exaggeration]). However, with a great deal of practice over the course of eight weeks, I managed to sing all four songs relatively confidently.

[image error]

In those eight weeks I learned how to ‘note crunch’ – for me, at least, that means deciphering actual musical notes into letter-form, to learn the tune. Even though I can now recognise middle C, D, E, and F by sight, I still evidently can’t read music. But what I lack in musical talent, I make up for in not-liking-to-look-stupid-ness. Not that looking at a note in letter-form ever really conjures up the actual sound or pitch of that note in my head, but for some reason, having the lettered-notes jotted down underneath the actual ones in pencil always helps me to understand in which direction the musical score is going next. But by far and away the thing that really helped me turn the corner was when the class tutors emailed us recordings of them singing our particular sections. I have a good ear – especially for harmony. I can remember the things I hear far better than the things I see, so after this, I found the business of learning the songs by rote relatively straightforward. But please don’t think it was ever easy. ‘Oklahoma’ alone was twenty pages long to learn from memory (no sheet music allowed on competition day). Eeeek.

[image error]

So, last weekend around thirty-five members of my choir converged in a small church in the city of Bath with seven other choirs in the morning (to sing two choir-standards) and five other choirs in the afternoon (to sing two popular/show songs). I was blown away by the standard of the other choirs. Not that I ever expected other groups to be sitting around week after week practising ‘Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star’ in unison – but they were gooooood. Really good. Obviously, all choirs were female, and all dressed in black, but all adorning a splash of identity; some with brightly-coloured scarves, some with necklaces of pure bling, some wore turquoise cardigans, some wore cerise cardigans (one group wore royal-blue, floor-length bridesmaid dresses – I still don’t know what that was about). Some, during warm-up,  even sported identical jackets with their choir name printed on the back (I really think we ought to invest in some boxing-style silky, hooded bathrobes for our choir next year, and enter the church ducking and weaving to the theme of ‘Rocky’). But our thing was colourful heels – leopard-print boots, in my case.  I’m going to refer to those other choirs by their ‘identity’ from now on – their bit of flair. I mean, I could go and look up the choir names, but that would require…y’know…effort.

I personally believe our morning set was good, but I didn’t think it was as flawless as we’d have liked. One of our songs required staggered and fast-paced clapping (oh my God, isn’t singing hard enough??!). And the adjudicator seemed to think our clapping was a little ‘dicey’ in places. I don’t know, perhaps she was right. Anyway, I was surprised and terribly pleased to hear we came second in the morning session, even after the ‘dicey’ feedback.

[image error]

But I had always known we were REALLY in with a shot with our afternoon set (‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’ – particularly ‘Oklahoma’ due to its complexity, and five-part harmony). Like I say, every choir there performed to an astonishingly high standard – there was to be no smug gloating from me. But I think – if I’m honest – one choir did stand out a bit. These were ‘The Turquoise Cardigans’ (their real name is unpronounceable). I particularly liked their version of ‘On a Clear Day’. They really knew how to atmospherically fill a church. Mind you, there were thirty-thousand of them. And I know that because I had to clap for over two minutes whilst all of them ceremoniously trooped up on stage. They didn’t even fit up on stage. My hands were actually sore when I could finally stop politely clapping. But I knew just by their swagger that they were the choir to beat. And ‘On a Clear Day’ proved it. I think they also performed ‘Everything’s Coming up Roses’ which was also really good.

[image error]

Then it was our turn. Battling hard to remember every word, every note, we performed ‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’. Both went well from where I was standing. But ‘Oklahoma’ had people (choirs and audience alike) bouncing around in the pews – I kid you not. I could actually see the choir conductor of ‘The Poppy-Print Scarves’ smile and sigh resignedly when we finished. Follow that, baby! The equally talented ‘Cerise Cardigans’ even kindly tweeted about our great afternoon performance later on Twitter (I do like choir-folk). It had gone well – very well.

Once all six choirs had performed, the adjudicator’s announcement was a bit of an anti-climax, to say the least. She didn’t announce any of the runners-up, merely the winners. And I’m afraid to tell you, readers, that wasn’t us. We didn’t beat those pesky ‘Turquoise Cardigans’. However, I only found out later that we came second. But it was a very respectable second, if you ask me. All the other choirs really were amazing, so I was thrilled that we did as well as we did; second in both morning and afternoon categories. BOOOOOMMSHAKALAK!

My husband, kids, sister-in-law, niece, and mother-in-law had all been spectators, but were a tad disgruntled. You see, they felt we should have won; ‘you woz’ robbed!’ they barked in Costa coffee shop later that afternoon (they really need to improve their grammar). Hmmm…I’m not sure if we woz, though (I mean, were). ‘Turquoise Cardigans’ were truly impressive. As were all the other choirs. There was only one point in it between first and second place. Maybe it was anyone’s game. And as a non-impartial choir-member; my attention entirely focused on remembering my individual part (a tiny cog in a large machine), I just couldn’t say. But I’m still massively happy with the result. And it only makes me more competitive for next time. If that’s humanly possible

[image error]

But all that’s water under the bridge now. Choir practice this week presented us with three new songs. So, I’m back to square one – where I started at the beginning of January. Flummoxed again; more note-crunching, more weeks of warbling alone in my bedroom (much to my cats’ delight – they really love a belted-out show tune). But this time, I have the benefit of experience. This time, I know those songs can be learned by rote in only a few weeks, if you put in the work. And this time, there is the added excitement of some SOLOS! Eeeek! Do I dare put my hand up for one of those, readers…? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

NB: If you were at the competition and I haven’t got some of my facts straight, please allow for A) my poor, nerve-wracked memory, and B) artistic licence. But I always try to give at least a passing nod towards the truth.

Sing II (Competition Special)!

[image error]

If you ever read this blog (c’mon, you do, don’t you?), you’ll know I joined an all-female choir a couple of months back. Well, since that time, we’ve been involved in a competition! So, I thought you might like to hear about my exciting experience of top-level, all-female, fight-to-the-death, choir face-off…type…deals…

As you will recall, we have been learning four songs since January; ‘Michelle’ by the Beatles, Rodger and Hammerstein’s’ ‘Oklahoma’, ‘Sahayta’ by Ben Allaway, and ‘Tread Softly’ – a Yeats poem set to musical arrangement by one of our clever choir tutors. I believe I may have bellyached a little bit in the former blog (really? Moi?) about how immensely difficult I found it to commit these tunes to memory (and when I say tunes, not the tunes you may be familiar with, but a harmony peculiar only to the Alto 1’s section of these melodies (and there were only five of us Alto 1s, so you couldn’t just mouth along silently or get it wrong) – whilst simultaneously listening to thirty-eight other harmonies going on at the same time [slight exaggeration]). However, with a great deal of practice over the course of eight weeks, I managed to sing all four songs relatively confidently.

[image error]

In those eight weeks I learned how to ‘note crunch’ – for me, at least, that means deciphering actual musical notes into letter-form, to learn the tune. Even though I can now recognise middle C, D, E, and F by sight, I still evidently can’t read music. But what I lack in musical talent, I make up for in not-liking-to-look-stupid-ness. Not that looking at a note in letter-form ever really conjures up the actual sound or pitch of that note in my head, but for some reason, having the lettered-notes jotted down underneath the actual ones in pencil always helps me to understand in which direction the musical score is going next. But by far and away the thing that really helped me turn the corner was when the class tutors emailed us recordings of them singing our particular sections. I have a good ear – especially for harmony. I can remember the things I hear far better than the things I see, so after this, I found the business of learning the songs by rote relatively straightforward. But please don’t think it was ever easy. ‘Oklahoma’ alone was twenty pages long to learn from memory (no sheet music allowed on competition day). Eeeek.

[image error]

So, last weekend around thirty-five members of my choir converged in a small church in the city of Bath with seven other choirs in the morning (to sing two choir-standards) and five other choirs in the afternoon (to sing two popular/show songs). I was blown away by the standard of the other choirs. Not that I ever expected other groups to be sitting around week after week practising ‘Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star’ in unison – but they were gooooood. Really good. Obviously, all choirs were female, and all dressed in black, but all adorning a splash of identity; some with brightly-coloured scarves, some with necklaces of pure bling, some wore turquoise cardigans, some wore cerise cardigans (one group wore royal-blue, floor-length bridesmaid dresses – I still don’t know what that was about). Some, during warm-up,  even sported identical jackets with their choir name printed on the back (I really think we ought to invest in some boxing-style silky, hooded bathrobes for our choir next year, and enter the church ducking and weaving to the theme of ‘Rocky’). But our thing was colourful heels – leopard-print boots, in my case.  I’m going to refer to those other choirs by their ‘identity’ from now on – their bit of flair. I mean, I could go and look up the choir names, but that would require…y’know…effort.

I personally believe our morning set was good, but I didn’t think it was as flawless as we’d have liked. One of our songs required staggered and fast-paced clapping (oh my God, isn’t singing hard enough??!). And the adjudicator seemed to think our clapping was a little ‘dicey’ in places. I don’t know, perhaps she was right. Anyway, I was surprised and terribly pleased to hear we came second in the morning session, even after the ‘dicey’ feedback.

[image error]

But I had always known we were REALLY in with a shot with our afternoon set (‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’ – particularly ‘Oklahoma’ due to its complexity, and five-part harmony). Like I say, every choir there performed to an astonishingly high standard – there was to be no smug gloating from me. But I think – if I’m honest – one choir did stand out a bit. These were ‘The Turquoise Cardigans’ (their real name is unpronounceable). I particularly liked their version of ‘On a Clear Day’. They really knew how to atmospherically fill a church. Mind you, there were thirty-thousand of them. And I know that because I had to clap for over two minutes whilst all of them ceremoniously trooped up on stage. They didn’t even fit up on stage. My hands were actually sore when I could finally stop politely clapping. But I knew just by their swagger that they were the choir to beat. And ‘On a Clear Day’ proved it. I think they also performed ‘Everything’s Coming up Roses’ which was also really good.

[image error]

Then it was our turn. Battling hard to remember every word, every note, we performed ‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’. Both went well from where I was standing. But ‘Oklahoma’ had people (choirs and audience alike) bouncing around in the pews – I kid you not. I could actually see the choir conductor of ‘The Poppy-Print Scarves’ smile and sigh resignedly when we finished. Follow that, baby! The equally talented ‘Cerise Cardigans’ even kindly tweeted about our great afternoon performance later on Twitter (I do like choir-folk). It had gone well – very well.

Once all six choirs had performed, the adjudicator’s announcement was a bit of an anti-climax, to say the least. She didn’t announce any of the runners-up, merely the winners. And I’m afraid to tell you, readers, that wasn’t us. We didn’t beat those pesky ‘Turquoise Cardigans’. However, I only found out later that we came second. But it was a very respectable second, if you ask me. All the other choirs really were amazing, so I was thrilled that we did as well as we did; second in both morning and afternoon categories. BOOOOOMMSHAKALAK!

My husband, kids, sister-in-law, niece, and mother-in-law had all been spectators, but were a tad disgruntled. You see, they felt we should have won; ‘you woz’ robbed!’ they barked in Costa coffee shop later that afternoon (they really need to improve their grammar). Hmmm…I’m not sure if we woz, though (I mean, were). ‘Turquoise Cardigans’ were truly impressive. As were all the other choirs. There was only one point in it between first and second place. Maybe it was anyone’s game. And as a non-impartial choir-member; my attention entirely focused on remembering my individual part (a tiny cog in a large machine), I just couldn’t say. But I’m still massively happy with the result. And it only makes me more competitive for next time. If that’s humanly possible

[image error]

But all that’s water under the bridge now. Choir practice this week presented us with three new songs. So, I’m back to square one – where I started at the beginning of January. Flummoxed again; more note-crunching, more weeks of warbling alone in my bedroom (much to my cats’ delight – they really love a belted-out show tune). But this time, I have the benefit of experience. This time, I know those songs can be learned by rote in only a few weeks, if you put in the work. And this time, there is the added excitement of some SOLOS! Eeeek! Do I dare put my hand up for one of those, readers…? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

NB: If you were at the competition and I haven’t got some of my facts straight, please allow for A) my poor, nerve-wracked memory, and B) artistic licence. But I always try to give at least a passing nod towards the truth.

Sing II (Competition Special)!

[image error]

If you ever read this blog (c’mon, you do, don’t you?), you’ll know I joined an all-female choir a couple of months back. Well, since that time, we’ve been involved in a competition! So, I thought you might like to hear about my exciting experience of top-level, all-female, fight-to-the-death, choir face-off…type…deals…

As you will recall, we have been learning four songs since January; ‘Michelle’ by the Beatles, Rodger and Hammerstein’s’ ‘Oklahoma’, ‘Sahayta’ by Ben Allaway, and ‘Tread Softly’ – a Yeats poem set to musical arrangement by one of our clever choir tutors. I believe I may have bellyached a little bit in the former blog (really? Moi?) about how immensely difficult I found it to commit these tunes to memory (and when I say tunes, not the tunes you may be familiar with, but a harmony peculiar only to the Alto 1’s section of these melodies (and there were only five of us Alto 1s, so you couldn’t just mouth along silently or get it wrong) – whilst simultaneously listening to thirty-eight other harmonies going on at the same time [slight exaggeration]). However, with a great deal of practice over the course of eight weeks, I managed to sing all four songs relatively confidently.

[image error]

In those eight weeks I learned how to ‘note crunch’ – for me, at least, that means deciphering actual musical notes into letter-form, to learn the tune. Even though I can now recognise middle C, D, E, and F by sight, I still evidently can’t read music. But what I lack in musical talent, I make up for in not-liking-to-look-stupid-ness. Not that looking at a note in letter-form ever really conjures up the actual sound or pitch of that note in my head, but for some reason, having the lettered-notes jotted down underneath the actual ones in pencil always helps me to understand in which direction the musical score is going next. But by far and away the thing that really helped me turn the corner was when the class tutors emailed us recordings of them singing our particular sections. I have a good ear – especially for harmony. I can remember the things I hear far better than the things I see, so after this, I found the business of learning the songs by rote relatively straightforward. But please don’t think it was ever easy. ‘Oklahoma’ alone was twenty pages long to learn from memory (no sheet music allowed on competition day). Eeeek.

[image error]

So, last weekend around thirty-five members of my choir converged in a small church in the city of Bath with seven other choirs in the morning (to sing two choir-standards) and five other choirs in the afternoon (to sing two popular/show songs). I was blown away by the standard of the other choirs. Not that I ever expected other groups to be sitting around week after week practising ‘Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star’ in unison – but they were gooooood. Really good. Obviously, all choirs were female, and all dressed in black, but all adorning a splash of identity; some with brightly-coloured scarves, some with necklaces of pure bling, some wore turquoise cardigans, some wore cerise cardigans (one group wore royal-blue, floor-length bridesmaid dresses – I still don’t know what that was about). Some, during warm-up,  even sported identical jackets with their choir name printed on the back (I really think we ought to invest in some boxing-style silky, hooded bathrobes for our choir next year, and enter the church ducking and weaving to the theme of ‘Rocky’). But our thing was colourful heels – leopard-print boots, in my case.  I’m going to refer to those other choirs by their ‘identity’ from now on – their bit of flair. I mean, I could go and look up the choir names, but that would require…y’know…effort.

I personally believe our morning set was good, but I didn’t think it was as flawless as we’d have liked. One of our songs required staggered and fast-paced clapping (oh my God, isn’t singing hard enough??!). And the adjudicator seemed to think our clapping was a little ‘dicey’ in places. I don’t know, perhaps she was right. Anyway, I was surprised and terribly pleased to hear we came second in the morning session, even after the ‘dicey’ feedback.

[image error]

But I had always known we were REALLY in with a shot with our afternoon set (‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’ – particularly ‘Oklahoma’ due to its complexity, and five-part harmony). Like I say, every choir there performed to an astonishingly high standard – there was to be no smug gloating from me. But I think – if I’m honest – one choir did stand out a bit. These were ‘The Turquoise Cardigans’ (their real name is unpronounceable). I particularly liked their version of ‘On a Clear Day’. They really knew how to atmospherically fill a church. Mind you, there were thirty-thousand of them. And I know that because I had to clap for over two minutes whilst all of them ceremoniously trooped up on stage. They didn’t even fit up on stage. My hands were actually sore when I could finally stop politely clapping. But I knew just by their swagger that they were the choir to beat. And ‘On a Clear Day’ proved it. I think they also performed ‘Everything’s Coming up Roses’ which was also really good.

[image error]

Then it was our turn. Battling hard to remember every word, every note, we performed ‘Michelle’ and ‘Oklahoma’. Both went well from where I was standing. But ‘Oklahoma’ had people (choirs and audience alike) bouncing around in the pews – I kid you not. I could actually see the choir conductor of ‘The Poppy-Print Scarves’ smile and sigh resignedly when we finished. Follow that, baby! The equally talented ‘Cerise Cardigans’ even kindly tweeted about our great afternoon performance later on Twitter (I do like choir-folk). It had gone well – very well.

Once all six choirs had performed, the adjudicator’s announcement was a bit of an anti-climax, to say the least. She didn’t announce any of the runners-up, merely the winners. And I’m afraid to tell you, readers, that wasn’t us. We didn’t beat those pesky ‘Turquoise Cardigans’. However, I only found out later that we came second. But it was a very respectable second, if you ask me. All the other choirs really were amazing, so I was thrilled that we did as well as we did; second in both morning and afternoon categories. BOOOOOMMSHAKALAK!

My husband, kids, sister-in-law, niece, and mother-in-law had all been spectators, but were a tad disgruntled. You see, they felt we should have won; ‘you woz’ robbed!’ they barked in Costa coffee shop later that afternoon (they really need to improve their grammar). Hmmm…I’m not sure if we woz, though (I mean, were). ‘Turquoise Cardigans’ were truly impressive. As were all the other choirs. There was only one point in it between first and second place. Maybe it was anyone’s game. And as a non-impartial choir-member; my attention entirely focused on remembering my individual part (a tiny cog in a large machine), I just couldn’t say. But I’m still massively happy with the result. And it only makes me more competitive for next time. If that’s humanly possible

[image error]

But all that’s water under the bridge now. Choir practice this week presented us with three new songs. ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’ by The Foundations, ‘Hushabye Mountain’ from Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, and ‘The Cat Came Back’ from…I’ve no idea where. So, I’m back to square one – where I started at the beginning of January. Flummoxed again; more note-crunching, more weeks of warbling alone in my bedroom (much to my cats’ delight – they really love a belted-out show tune). But this time, I have the benefit of experience. This time, I know those songs can be learned by rote in only a few weeks, if you put in the work. And this time, there is the added excitement of some SOLOS! Eeeek! Do I dare put my hand up for one of those, readers…? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

NB: If you were at the competition and I haven’t got some of my facts straight, please allow for A) my poor, nerve-wracked memory, and B) artistic licence. But I always try to give at least a passing nod towards the truth.

Age Appropriate

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I was reading an article the other day (probably more like six months ago, but I couldn’t be bothered to write a blog about it at the time), and it was titled, ’14 Style Mistakes That Will Age You’. It was a piece that never really stated who it was aimed at, but without a doubt, it was for ‘women of a certain age’. I’m not sure why I chose to read it, because being a link that came via Facebook, it was never going to be overflowing with journalistic integrity. But I had time to kill. It appears the writer, whoever she was, had just asked a bunch of other fashion stylists and fashion content leads (stylists and leads from what and where, I couldn’t say) for their opinions on clothes. Although some of the advice I secretly and resignedly accepted, (unsurprisingly) some of the tips disgruntled me a bit. First off, who are these people to tell me what to wear? And second…off, these articles are never written for older men. That’s either because a] nobody gives a sh*t what older men wear, or b] we still live in a society with differing gender standards. I’ll leave you to be the judge of that. Anyway, putting the gender rights and wrongs of the article aside just for a bit (and I mean a bit), I thought I might give my two-pennies-worth on the actual fashion content.

1: Fast Fashion Trends

By this, the writer was referring to anything new and hip (just by me even saying ‘new and hip’ shows that I’m not). They suggested you may give a subtle nod to a new trend but no more, or you end up looking ‘clueless’. Well, this is something I don’t really need to worry about. I am very suspicious of all new trends until they are at least two years old, and then I might adapt a watered-down version of it for myself. I secretly think the fashion industry is out to make fools of all of us, and it’s just up to us not to let them.

2: Tights

You heard it right. Tights. Yeah, this one also staggered me somewhat too. This one particular stylist doesn’t like them. That staple of all our wardrobes – the writer says they ‘age us’. Not only does she not like nude ones (most people don’t, really), she doesn’t like black tights. She says they look like school uniform. I mean, I wear black opaque tights with such regularity throughout the winter, I can’t imagine the season without them. I look forward to the season because of them – at last a time when I can wear skirts! Well, whoever that particular ’fashion content lead’ was, she can sod right off.

3: Baggy Clothes

That is, oversized clothes will make you look bigger and hide your shape. I reluctantly agree with this statement, but only because I am very short and if I don’t emphasise my shape, I resemble a pygmy person. But back in the 80s and 90s I was wearing massive Marks and Spencer men’s cardigans just like everybody else (teamed with Doc Martin’s and high-wasted jeans). And I still ascertain to this day I looked swell. My kids love their oversized t-shirts and jumpers and coats – I just think it is a fashion phase we all can and should go through.

4: Black

[image error]It’s okay! I have bronze shoes!

Yep. So, what they’re saying is, black is a bit draining to those with older skin. Never have I heard suck a crock of sh*t. Surely somebody was just trying to pad that article out a bit? Black is…the new black. Black is a timeless standard. Black is as old as time itself when it comes to fashion, and to suddenly lessen its worth now (just to be controversial, probably) is ludicrous. But it’s okay, everyone, they tell us not to panic – bright lipstick is suggested to pick things up a bit – so us old women are allowed to wear black with garish lipstick. Thanks.

5: Maxi Dresses and Skirts

Y’know, the ones that go pretty much down to the floor (I’m explaining this for men). The author says these are unflattering. On the whole, this has been true for me. But I do have one very fitted maxi dress (it has to be fitted due to my small stature), and one maxi skirt – both of which I love. I don’t need any others. I’ve found the best, and I think I look good in them.

6: Over-Accessorising

Y’know, not too much jewellery and that. Agreed, I suppose. I never was one for much jewellery. I wear two sets of small earrings in my ears (a stud and a hoop) and my wedding and engagement ring – all white metal, never gold. Oh, and a watch. And I barely ever diversify. Mainly because I can’t be bothered to put it all on and take it all off again.

7: Athleisurewear

[image error]Oh no, I’m in athleisurewear…

That is, wearing athletic clothing when you’re not doing sport or not on the way to the gym. I am often on the way to the gym so I have every right to do so. But on a day-to day basis? I sort of concur (only sort of, sports clothing not worn for sport really doesn’t offend me). But I do like to throw on a hoodie when I can’t be arsed. And I have been known to stay in a pair of trackie-bottoms I’ve been lounging around the house in if I’m just picking up one of the kids by car, and nobody will see me (other than from the house to the car, and vice versa). I don’t know, this fashion advice all sounds a bit prescriptive to me.

8: Mini Skirts

[image error]16 inches, I checked.

Midi-style skirts and dresses are much more flattering, apparently. But it really depends what they mean by mini. I’m five-foot-three (and a half, last time I checked) and if I wear anything too long, I look like a librarian (and not a trendy one, a 1950’s one [apologies to my sister-in-law who is a librarian – but she is always the pinnacle of style]). So I like all my skirts to be approximately 15/16 inches long, which I feel is the most flattering length for me (not to look younger, but any longer or shorter just doesn’t do me any favours). Is that length classes as a mini skirt? I don’t know. That’s for the courts to decide (judicial courts, not the type of shoes).

9: Jersey Material

 

[image error]Crap! I’ve gone bodycon!

It’s the bodycon clinginess the author of this piece has an issue with here. We need to buy jersey material only if it’s ruched, apparently…or with extreme caution. But if you’ve got the figure (or even if you haven’t), so what? Number 9 is extremely sizeist.

10: Not Dressing for Your Shape

 

I’m pretty sure the article writer was just recycling and padding out the piece with this one – we’ve already discussed baggy clothing which hides your shape. I know, I know. Wear tailored clothing, yada-yada-yada. C’mon, this is just shoddy journalism.

11: Super-Long Hair

I hate to agree, but I do sort of agree. Hairdressers have been telling me for years that anyone over forty can’t really carry off very long hair. For me anyway, that’s true. My hair got thinner after having two kids, and if I grew it too long I wouldn’t be able to do a thing with it. But if you’ve got thick hair, then you go rock that look until whatever age you like.

12: An Ill-Fitting Bra (no picture required)

Stands to reason, really. Though I do maintain we should have the right to wear whatever the hell we bloody well like (and don’t wear a bra at all if you don’t want to).

13: Platform Heels

[image error]

The author of this article says they’re ugly, if comfortable. She wants us all to wear pointy stilettos (thereby ruining our feet for life with misshapen toes, bunions, and corns). Well she can **** right off. I happen to like platform heels and chunky boots. Coz I’m small. Obvs. Of course, I do far prefer flats, but on the odd occasion when heels really are required, I’ll be in chunky/wedge ones. So there.

14: Fascinators

Really? How relevant are fascinators to everyday fashion? If you’re not going to Ascot or Epsom, this is a non-issue – a moot point. The writer says we shouldn’t wear them at weddings either, but I think the writer had run out of steam. I certainly had run out of patience after reading the entire article.

Although I begrudgingly admit that some of this advice in this piece I could possibly get on board with, I still couldn’t get past the fact that people really shouldn’t write articles telling women what to wear – just so they don’t look old. If I’m old, why shouldn’t I look it? Yes, I do dye my hair because of the greys (but that’s my choice), and dress in a more fitted and tailored way (because of said pygmy stature), but again, that’s just personal preference. If a woman in the same age bracket attired herself entirely differently, that would be okay too. We’re all built differently and we can all get away with different things. The fact remains an article like this would never have been written for a 40+ man. Since reaching the age of 40, I’ve dressed more flamboyantly than I ever did in my youth. Being this age just means you’re more comfortable in your own skin and care less about what society thinks – so I don’t need articles penned for me telling me what to wear. I already know what to wear. So, to coin a slightly overused phrase; you do you and I’ll do me.

NB: This was not a blatant excuse to post picture of me dressed in various different outfits, but the photos had to come from somewhere!

The Gospel According to Big Girl

Big Girl in a good mood

If I ever wrote a children’s book – and I have no intention of writing a children’s book – the lead protagonist would be my cat – Big Girl (aka Slim Shady). As you probably know by now, we have two cats; Slim and Kirby (Little Girl). Slim is the mother of Kirby (i.e. Big Girl is the mother of Little Girl). See?  If you’re confused about our various differing cat names, let me explain: When T.S. Eliot wrote ‘Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats’ (a book of poems about cats, which was subsequently made into a really unintelligible Andrew Lloyd-Webber musical), he wrote one particular poem called, ‘The Naming of Cats’. This poem rings true for us. It focuses on how cats have a ‘given’ name, and a ‘secret’ name. So, either we are very poetic people, or we are just very literal people with no imagination whatsoever. Plus, when you take your pet to the vet, you mustn’t let the vet know how weird (or unimaginative) you are. When we take Big Girl for her vaccinations, we tell the veterinary staff she is called Slim Shady (which some may say is equally as stupid as Big Girl). But if Big Girl could choose her own name – her secret name – it would be Big Girl (or Biggie). She’s not even especially big; she’s just very long and thin and bony – and the name differentiates her from Little Girl (who isn’t especially little anymore).

[image error]Big Girl doing what she does best

Anyway, I digress. The reason Big Girl would be the star of my children’s book is due to her complex character. I can’t say that she’s a particularly nice cat, but she has a lot of personality. So much so, that after this paragraph, Big Girl will be writing the rest of this blog post. Oh, it’s important before you read any further, that you know Big Girl has an accent. I think it’s because she has wandered far and wide, roaming many, many lands before she finally broke into our house (malnourished and pregnant) and decided it was her home. You are going to need to read this blog in that accent. I don’t precisely know what the accent is; I think it may be a mixture of Eastern European, Italian, Indian…and Welsh. Have you managed to conjure that exotic blend up in your mind? Good. So, it’s time for you to read about Big Girl’s philosophy on life. She doesn’t ask for much, but she does ask that we all adhere to these certain rules; or rather, a path that we must follow; ‘The Gospel According to Big Girl’.

“’Ello ‘oomans! My name is BIG GIRRRRRL! I am a very friendly, easy-going kitty. Or at least, I can be if you don’t p*ss me off. And that is why I decided to take over and write Mummy-Ooman’s (normally crap and super-boring) blog this week. Now, you may not be lucky enough ever to meet me, but if you do, I ‘ave thoughtfully devised a set of clear, easy-to-follow rules for you as a guide – this is ‘ow I like to be cared for. Follow these rules, and you and me, we might (just might) get along.

No Touching!

[image error]Look but don’t touch!

First and foremost, you need to know that there’s no touching! Not unless I say so. If I am not sitting ‘igh up on the kitchen table and stretching my ‘ead and neck out, and giving you a friendly ‘meow-meow-meow’, this means ‘no f***ing touching!’. And don’t even THINK about picking me up. I will make a noise like this… ‘ewwwwwwwmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeahhhhhhhhhhhhheeeewwwwww!’. The male ‘ooman in this ‘ouse insists on picking me up every day, even though ‘ee knows I don’t like it! So I’m upside down with my frikkin’ feet in the air like some lame domestic kitty! My belly is exposed and I don’t like it! Oh, and I don’t sit on laps (unless you happen to be sitting exactly on the section of the sofa I wanted), so you can forget about thinking I’m some idiot lap-cat!

Danger, Danger, Danger!!

I’m not an idiot-kitty, and I know all ‘oomans secretly want to murder me. So, do yourself a favour and be careful how you approach me! Do NOT attempt to stroke me with two ‘ands – I know that means certain strangulation. Make no mistake, I will bite you! Also, do NOT touch me with leather gloves on your ‘ands; (again, probable strangulation for me). I repeat; I WILL bite you. Oh, and while we’re at it, don’t come at me with a bunch of keys in your ‘ands either. I swear to God, I will have no option but to rip your ‘ead off!!

‘Ooman Positioning and Placement

Be extremely cautious where you stand in proximity to me. Under no circumstances must you stand above me (I know you plan to ‘it me!) or stand behind me (I know you are chasing me!). Do not stand in between me and my food bowl either. I need a direct path to my food without you in it. So, to recap: No standing above, behind, or in path of food. Got it? Good.

‘Oomans I Don’t Like

[image error]And don’t look at me either!

All of them! No, let me think on that one. Errmm…the big male ‘ooman with the beard in my ‘ouse; ‘ee really sucks because, as you know, ‘ee picks me up. Oh, and I don’t the one they call ‘Small Child’. I don’t care what she does; she deserves to be bitten no matter what. I’m not too fond of the woman ‘oo calls ‘erself, ‘Mummy’ either (I call her, ‘Witch’), although she does give me my food, so I tolerate ‘er. The only person in this ‘ouse ‘oo is vaguely okay is ‘Big Child’. Well, I really like ‘er bedroom, anyway. I like to change my sleeping space once every two weeks (a very sensible security measure, in my opinion), but Big Child’s room? It’s the shizzle! Mmmmmm! Oh, one more thing, I do not like strangers!! I ‘ate the postman, the ASDA man, the Amazon man, the man ‘oo checks the electric meter; anybody ringing the doorbell, really. Not to mention the losers ‘oo come in to feed me when my family are on ‘oliday’; I ‘ate them too, and I’m not going to eat the food they put down for me, because it’s obviously poisoned!!

Kitties I Don’t Like

[image error]Sell Stupid Runt Cat on eBay!

All of them! All cats in this area suck, because they are all evil! I ‘ave to check the perimeters of my ‘ouse daily for evil cats or all the ‘oomans in this ‘ouse would be dead in their beds! They’re lucky to ‘av such a vigilant kitty like me! I especially ‘ate ‘Stupid Runt Cat’ (she’s the other cat that lives ‘ere – the one the ‘oomans call ‘Kirby’, and are always fawning over, because she lets them stroke ‘er and doesn’t bite them – idiot). Stupid Runt Cat is always ‘iding in corners and jumping out on me. She jumps right on my frikkin’ ‘ead! ‘Ow is any self-respecting kitty supposed to put up with that sh*t? Oh, and another cat I really ‘ate is Tiger (‘oo lives next door). I swear to God, if Tiger steps in my front or back garden one more time, I am going to get my paws (claws out) right around ‘er neck and…and-!! *Big Girl has to lie down at this point to calm down*

General Tips and Advice

Just so you know, I ‘ate the cat flap (the ‘ole from ‘ell); it nips my tail. I do know ‘ow to get in and out of the cat flat, but it took me six months to learn, and I’d really just rather the ‘oomans damn well open the door – lazy turds! And while we’re talking do’s and don’ts, make sure the downstairs toilet door (the toilet which ‘ouses my litter tray) is propped completely open. If you don’t, I will p*ss outside on the rug – your choice.

The Good News!

Don’t despair, ‘Oomans, sometimes I can be a friendly little kitty. Like I say, if I’m sitting up ‘igh on the kitchen table and am pointing my head up in the air and saying, ‘meow-meow-meow’, it’s safe to stroke me. But don’t take my good mood for granted and look away, because I might change my mind and bite you. If I’m sitting in my current sleeping place, it is also permissible to stroke me. I might even purr. And guess what? When you drive ‘ome at the end of a long working day, I will run out into the middle of our road, nearly causing a traffic collision, just so I can greet you! You can even stroke my back (and tail) and I won’t bite you until we get back in the ‘ouse. ‘Ow lucky are you? All in all, I am the best kitty you could possibly ‘ope for. Just follow the above rules and we won’t ‘ave a problem. Capiche?”

[image error]Get lost, you turds!

Well, I’m sorry about that rude intrusion onto my blog, and the incessant cursing. Big Girl is a very volatile personality, and it’s really better to just let her get on with it sometimes. Still, I know what some of you may be thinking; why do you put up with such a horrible cat who gives so little in return for your love and devotion? Well, we have the feeling Big Girl had a pretty tough life before she came to live with us – hence the hostile nature. She has trust issues that I don’t think will ever be fixed – and she’s lived with us for nearly five years. Still, we love her. Okay, she doesn’t provide much affection (apart from the odd stroke [on her terms], and running out into the street when you come home, like you are the best thing since sliced bread), but every cat deserves a loving home. Even the bloody miserable ones.

 

Gym Virgin

[image error]The guy at the back wants to kill me…

I don’t know what it is about 2019 and trying out new things. First there was the choir, and that was stressful enough. Because, as you are by now fully aware, I really hate trying new things. But this week, I joined a gym! I’m always banging on about how I consider myself to be physically fit – still a work in progress – but the fittest I’ve ever been in my life. I have been exercising regularly for eight years (the only gaps being due to illness or injury), and I work out five times a week. Up until now, all my workouts have been done at home. Let’s face it, it’s easier. If it’s pissing down with rain, you can still work out. It costs practically nothing too – apart from the DVDs, and the cute exercise clothes and trainers to keep you motivated. Still, I’ve always professed that if I ever got around to purchasing gym membership, I’d be the sort of person who wouldn’t let it go to waste; I would actually use it. I love exercise; I’d go as far as to say I’m addicted to it. But the thought of walking into a gym as a complete novice; facing all those alien machines, big muscly men staring at their biceps in the mirror whilst curling dumbbells…well, that was a bit off-putting.

However, since 2019 has turned into ‘the year of trying new things’ (even if sometimes I’d dearly love to sit on the sofa watching more Netflix), and on the recommendation of my friend Jade and a January membership deal (three months membership for the price of five – yay!), I thought I’d finally join a local gym. Y’know, just to see how I liked it. And for the blog; like I always say, I’ll do anything for the blog – quite literally.

[image error]I seem to be impersonating a monkey…

I did my first gym session earlier this week. I’d accidentally managed to miss my induction (some communication error on the phone; an accent I didn’t understand, me being too polite to ask the person on phone to repeat themselves, me accidentally asking to book ‘my abduction’ rather than ‘my induction’ and needing to get off the phone very quickly – you get the gist). But I found out on collection of my key-fob that an induction (not abduction) was optional. Great! My first gym visit without a clue! What could possibly go wrong? All the gear – no idea. Still, due to my extremely anal personality type, I always do plenty of research before I commit to anything, so I’d watched a fair few YouTube videos regarding beginner’s gym tips, and downloaded the gym’s own app which showed you how to use practically every machine they had. What’s more, all the machines had instructions on the side, so it was pretty easy to work it out.

I was surprised about how busy the gym was at ten to nine on a Wednesday morning. Didn’t these people have jobs? Well, I have a job, and I was still at the gym at ten to nine on a Wednesday morning – so who am I to judge? Plus, gym membership isn’t exactly cheap, so they probably did have jobs. Anyway, I’m getting off track. Who cares about jobs? We were there for self-improvement! I did feel a bit awkward walking in for the first time, not really knowing what I was doing, but I just tried to shrug that off and get on with the business in hand. I’d say the mixture of the gym population was very even; men and women, young and old, fit and not-so-fit. There were the obligatory few muscly men lifting barbells in front of a huge mirror whilst checking out their biceps, but I’d mentally prepared myself for that. In the entire session, not once did I see a single person warm-up or warm-down (so I felt a bit awkward about doing that too), but I’m a stickler for the rules, so I did both. I also found out that gym etiquette seems to dictate that you don’t look at other people in the gym. First rule of gym-club: Don’t talk about gym-club. Keep eyes averted. Don’t smile. Don’t make eye contact. Look confident and like you don’t give a toss. So, just a typical day in Britain, really. I could do that.

[image error]Mmmmmm…machines…!

I’ll tell you right off the bat; I was there for the machines. YEAH! I wasn’t particularly interested in the dumbbells and barbells and yoga balls and classes – I have tonnes of equipment and I can do all of that at home. In my opinion, if you want to make your membership count, you may as well use things you wouldn’t normally have access to. I had two goals in mind taking my first step into the gym. 1) Do a complete-body workout. 2) Use every machine I could humanly fit into the space of an hour – just to familiarise oneself. Those two aims didn’t quite marry-up, to be honest; I’d have been better off using just a few machines with the goal of working out the entire body. But y’know – kid in a candy store here!!

So, I didn’t use every machine they had – but very nearly! Elliptical trainer, treadmill, recumbent bike, assisted pull-up thingy, leg press thingy, chest press thingy, leg-extension thingy, abs machine thingy etc, etc. As you can see, I’ve got all the gym terminology down. I think I got a pretty extensive workout in just over an hour. The hardest part was working out how much weight to set each machine to (I was working on ten reps with three sets per piece of equipment). I didn’t want to set the weight at any namby-pamby amount, but I didn’t want to overdo it either. But I think I might have.

[image error]Anyone looking? No! Take the damn photo!

When I got home, I admit I felt a bit weak and wobbly. Like I say, I do consider myself pretty fit, but I guess there are just some muscles you don’t use if you don’t go to a gym. I felt so systemically weird that I even ate some carbs. Yes, CARBS! If you’re interested, I had a homemade gourmet fish finger sandwich with cheese and rocket (fish fingers and wholemeal bread, how I’ve missed you!). But I really felt a carb-refuel meal was in order, and I did feel much better afterwards. And the day after? Well, my arms and legs (both pretty sturdy by now) didn’t feel too bad – but the muscles around my ribs and across my chest and back were bloody murder! Still, I always have pain (good pain) after new exercises, so I’d have been surprised – and probably disappointed – if I didn’t ache somewhat.

[image error]Warm-down. Them’s the rules.

So, what are my overall thoughts on my first gym experience? Well, I think I enjoyed it! I think I’ll enjoy it more so when I go back again with a bit of experience under my belt. I can even see me getting hooked. Maybe I’ll try out a couple of instructor-led classes (the spin class sounds good), or you can even do a virtual class (but that is a teeny bit like doing a DVD at home). But I think the exercise options are endless. Oh, I’m sorry for all the gratuitous selfies – I felt a super-self-conscious taking them. But the blog demands and I obey those demands. Anyway, would I advise you try out using a gym? Sure! Like I say, the clientele really did come in all shapes and sizes – and all ages. You just have to remember you’re there on your own fitness journey, not to compare yourself, your body, or your gym knowledge (or lack of, in my case) with anybody else. Give it a go, even if just a taster session – I think you might like it. And try not to miss your induction (or your abduction) or at least ask the guy with the accent on the phone to repeat himself so that doesn’t happen.