Isaac Marion's Blog, page 9
April 10, 2012
PLASTIC DINOSAUR
Dear Photojojo Company,
I recently placed an order through your website, Photojojo.com, for a macro lens attachment for my iPhone 4S. I received the package in the mail today, and was pleasantly surprised to find that, along with the lens that I purchased, you also included a small plastic dinosaur.
However, Photojojo, there is a problem with my order.
I am very much enjoying the macro lens attachment. It works exactly as advertised, allowing me to take very close-up photos of the objects that surround me in my daily life. Blades of grass, apple seeds, dead insects, fingernails, toenails, teeth, bits of discarded food, cola cans, rusty office staples, puddles of congealed fluid—any object, really. The photo attached above—a photo of a small plastic dinosaur lying on its side—was taken using this lens, and I am pleased with the results.
What I am not pleased with is the plastic dinosaur itself.
As you can see in the photo, the plastic dinosaur is lying on its side. This was the only position in which I was able to photograph it, because this is the only position in which it can be placed. To put it simply, Photojojo, the plastic dinosaur does not stand upright on its plastic feet. To put it even more simply, it falls over. To put it in the simplest way possible, it is defective, and I would like a full refund for my entire order.
I am not a lunatic, Photojojo. I understand that the plastic dinosaur was not part of my original purchase and was thrown in simply as a whimsical gesture because you are a whimsical company staffed by twee, frivolous, whimsical people. However, by including it in the package with the rest of my order, you have implicitly designated it a Photojojo product, an unlisted peripheral component of my order, shall we say—and as such, it remains a representative of your company and its quality standards.
Need I repeat, Photojojo, that the plastic dinosaur falls over?
How am I to trust the quality standards of your photography products after this fiasco with the plastic dinosaur? Will the macro lens attachment burn a hole through my iPhone 4S next time the sun comes out? Will it even take good photos? So far I have only tested it on the plastic dinosaur you provided, and the results were satisfactory, but will it fare as well on other small objects, such as denim fibers, Durex condom wrappers, or pools of bacon grease? How can I entrust the capture of my precious experiences—the birth of my first child! My child's first steps! A UFO sighting! My child's first erection! Aurora Borealis!—to a lens attachment made by the same company that makes plastic dinosaurs that fall over?
I anticipate no resistance to my request for a refund. But please be aware that as a matter of principle I will be leaving a negative epinion on Epinions.com regardless of your response.
Sincerely,
Isaac Marion
February 22, 2012
Moving on...
I've found someone else.
Her name is Tumblr.
Lately I've been using this blog almost entirely for Important Updates about books and projects and such, because the way Blogger is designed makes it unsatisfying to post richer content like photos, personal stories, observations, and travelogues.
Tumblr makes it vastly easier and more aesthetically pleasing to post this kind of stuff, so I'm essentially moving all personal operations there. I'll still be posting Important Updates, new short stories, books, etc, on this site, but all the softer, more intangible stuff will be here:
http://isaacmarion.tumblr.com/
I'm currently on an epic interstate road trip in my RV, so there will be an ongoing log of those travels, with lots of pretty pictures. Come explore with me! We'll dig up all the wonder and weirdness in the world.
Also...I'm on Instagram.
.
Her name is Tumblr.
Lately I've been using this blog almost entirely for Important Updates about books and projects and such, because the way Blogger is designed makes it unsatisfying to post richer content like photos, personal stories, observations, and travelogues.
Tumblr makes it vastly easier and more aesthetically pleasing to post this kind of stuff, so I'm essentially moving all personal operations there. I'll still be posting Important Updates, new short stories, books, etc, on this site, but all the softer, more intangible stuff will be here:
http://isaacmarion.tumblr.com/
I'm currently on an epic interstate road trip in my RV, so there will be an ongoing log of those travels, with lots of pretty pictures. Come explore with me! We'll dig up all the wonder and weirdness in the world.
Also...I'm on Instagram.
.
February 19, 2012
Shipping Updates
All orders of The Hungry Mouth placed after February 8th have been shipped as of yesterday, February 18th.
If you ordered before February 8th and still haven't received your books, please email me at the address listed in the tab on the right, and put "DEPRIVATIONS" in the subject line. Include your address. I will get a copy out to you as soon as possible. I apologize for the error, which may have been committed by me, the US Postal Service, or book eating gremlins thriving somewhere in the chain of mail delivery. It's a strange world out there. Our greatest scientific minds have only scratched the surface.
With passionate, non-platonic, deeply sexual love,
Isaac
If you ordered before February 8th and still haven't received your books, please email me at the address listed in the tab on the right, and put "DEPRIVATIONS" in the subject line. Include your address. I will get a copy out to you as soon as possible. I apologize for the error, which may have been committed by me, the US Postal Service, or book eating gremlins thriving somewhere in the chain of mail delivery. It's a strange world out there. Our greatest scientific minds have only scratched the surface.
With passionate, non-platonic, deeply sexual love,
Isaac
February 1, 2012
Women's Age
When a woman tells you her age, do you act surprised or nonchalant?
If you act surprised, she may find it insulting, as if you're saying "God, I can't believe how OLD you are!" instead of what you really mean, which is "God, I can't believe how young you look for your age!"
If you act nonchalant, she may find it insulting, as if you're saying, "Yeah...that sounds about right."
No-win scenario?
Also, what is the approximate age when you should never ask? Because if a girl's in her 20s, this is important information for getting to know her. Is she just out of high school and starting her college life, or is she deep into a career, possibly married and divorced already? I want to know these things, but I always feel vaguely inappropriate asking due to the silly social idea that women are supposed to be young, young, young, and then abruptly die of old age.
If you act surprised, she may find it insulting, as if you're saying "God, I can't believe how OLD you are!" instead of what you really mean, which is "God, I can't believe how young you look for your age!"
If you act nonchalant, she may find it insulting, as if you're saying, "Yeah...that sounds about right."
No-win scenario?
Also, what is the approximate age when you should never ask? Because if a girl's in her 20s, this is important information for getting to know her. Is she just out of high school and starting her college life, or is she deep into a career, possibly married and divorced already? I want to know these things, but I always feel vaguely inappropriate asking due to the silly social idea that women are supposed to be young, young, young, and then abruptly die of old age.
Shipping Confirmation
DEAR FRIENDS
It's done.
World's Longest Receipt(Forgive me, post office employees...)
All international orders of The Hungry Mouth were shipped yesterday, and all US orders will be shipped in a few hours when a mail truck comes to my apartment to load up large box and 9 garbage sacks full of books.
I would like to apologize profusely for being...what is it...over a month behind schedule? Most of you have been very gracious about the delays...a few of you not so much. To anyone currently pissed at me, what you have to understand is that you didn't buy a book from the Random House via the Amazon Corporation, you bought a home-made book from the author, hand-packaged by the author and shipped out of the author's apartment. Furthermore, it was a pre-order, with an estimate of when the books would be ready. The fact is, when you made your order...gulp...the book wasn't even totally written yet. Well, it was written, but not edited. And then I had delays of all varieties....an agent slow to give notes, a printer slow to print, a snowstorm that made them even slower...
Anyway. That's all behind us now. The books are on their way to your hot little hands. At least I assume your hands are hot, since most of you are generally hot people. I don't have a hand fetish or anything. Does anyone have hand fetishes? Why foot fetishes but no hand fetishes? Maybe since hands are already approved sexual instruments, lusting after them isn't really a fetish at all? Like having a vagina fetish?
Anyway. A few notes on the shipping process.
FIRST AND FOREMOST: I MIGHT HAVE FUCKED UP.
Due to the aforementioned unprofessional nature of this shipping process, the fact that it was all done manually via my Gmail inbox, without use of spreadsheets or record keeping of any kind, it's POSSIBLE that I may have missed your order. It's also possible I may have doubled up your order. I did the best I could, but I am only human, and a fairly confused, scatterbrained human at that.
FILING A GRIEVANCE
If you haven't received your package after an appropriate amount of time (see chart below) please email me at isaacinspace at gmail dot com. (feeble attempt at anti-spam obfuscation)
If you receive more books than you ordered, please give the extras to a reader you think will appreciate them.
SHIPPING TIMELINES
If you're inside the US, you should receive your book within 3-5 business days. (Please allow at least 7 days before assuming your order was missed.)
If you're in the US and you ordered multiple books, I had to ship Media Mail to avoid exorbitant overweight shipping costs, so you will get your book in about 7 business days. (please allow at least 10 days before complaining.)
If you're outside the US, you'll get yours in 5-10 business days. (Please allow at least 12 days before sending me to prison. You don't know what convicts do to authors...)
MORE DISCLAIMERS
Please enjoy a good laugh at how comically oversized some of the envelopes are. That was due to me not understanding the concepts of width and length and ordering hundreds of mailers on Ebay without confirming they were an appropriate size for a tiny book. I do have some concern about how much the packages might slide around inside there, so if your book arrives all scuffed up, please forgive me. Think of it as a rustic, hand-made book. Shiny new books have no character, no soul.
THAT IS ALL. IF YOU ENJOY THIS BOOK, PLEASE WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN OR OTHER LOCAL REPRESENTATIVE AND REQUEST THAT IT BE PUBLISHED BY A MAJOR PUBLISHING HOUSE IMMEDIATELY.
NOTE: THERE ARE STILL ABOUT 100 COPIES AVAILABLE. BUY THEM AT WWW.THEHUNGRYMOUTH.COM
It's done.
World's Longest Receipt(Forgive me, post office employees...)
All international orders of The Hungry Mouth were shipped yesterday, and all US orders will be shipped in a few hours when a mail truck comes to my apartment to load up large box and 9 garbage sacks full of books.
I would like to apologize profusely for being...what is it...over a month behind schedule? Most of you have been very gracious about the delays...a few of you not so much. To anyone currently pissed at me, what you have to understand is that you didn't buy a book from the Random House via the Amazon Corporation, you bought a home-made book from the author, hand-packaged by the author and shipped out of the author's apartment. Furthermore, it was a pre-order, with an estimate of when the books would be ready. The fact is, when you made your order...gulp...the book wasn't even totally written yet. Well, it was written, but not edited. And then I had delays of all varieties....an agent slow to give notes, a printer slow to print, a snowstorm that made them even slower...
Anyway. That's all behind us now. The books are on their way to your hot little hands. At least I assume your hands are hot, since most of you are generally hot people. I don't have a hand fetish or anything. Does anyone have hand fetishes? Why foot fetishes but no hand fetishes? Maybe since hands are already approved sexual instruments, lusting after them isn't really a fetish at all? Like having a vagina fetish?
Anyway. A few notes on the shipping process.
FIRST AND FOREMOST: I MIGHT HAVE FUCKED UP.
Due to the aforementioned unprofessional nature of this shipping process, the fact that it was all done manually via my Gmail inbox, without use of spreadsheets or record keeping of any kind, it's POSSIBLE that I may have missed your order. It's also possible I may have doubled up your order. I did the best I could, but I am only human, and a fairly confused, scatterbrained human at that.
FILING A GRIEVANCE
If you haven't received your package after an appropriate amount of time (see chart below) please email me at isaacinspace at gmail dot com. (feeble attempt at anti-spam obfuscation)
If you receive more books than you ordered, please give the extras to a reader you think will appreciate them.
SHIPPING TIMELINES
If you're inside the US, you should receive your book within 3-5 business days. (Please allow at least 7 days before assuming your order was missed.)
If you're in the US and you ordered multiple books, I had to ship Media Mail to avoid exorbitant overweight shipping costs, so you will get your book in about 7 business days. (please allow at least 10 days before complaining.)
If you're outside the US, you'll get yours in 5-10 business days. (Please allow at least 12 days before sending me to prison. You don't know what convicts do to authors...)
MORE DISCLAIMERS
Please enjoy a good laugh at how comically oversized some of the envelopes are. That was due to me not understanding the concepts of width and length and ordering hundreds of mailers on Ebay without confirming they were an appropriate size for a tiny book. I do have some concern about how much the packages might slide around inside there, so if your book arrives all scuffed up, please forgive me. Think of it as a rustic, hand-made book. Shiny new books have no character, no soul.
THAT IS ALL. IF YOU ENJOY THIS BOOK, PLEASE WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN OR OTHER LOCAL REPRESENTATIVE AND REQUEST THAT IT BE PUBLISHED BY A MAJOR PUBLISHING HOUSE IMMEDIATELY.
NOTE: THERE ARE STILL ABOUT 100 COPIES AVAILABLE. BUY THEM AT WWW.THEHUNGRYMOUTH.COM
January 27, 2012
The Hungry Mouth is here
After a rather unprofessional 1 month delay, my book of short stories, The Hungry Mouth, is finally here. Need proof?
That's my plans for this weekend. Hand-packaging, labeling, and shipping 300+ books. I still have about 100 available, which you can get at http://www.thehungrymouth.com
"Yes, all copies will be signed, damn it." -My Wrists
That's my plans for this weekend. Hand-packaging, labeling, and shipping 300+ books. I still have about 100 available, which you can get at http://www.thehungrymouth.com
"Yes, all copies will be signed, damn it." -My Wrists
January 4, 2012
On Not Enjoying the Show
When theaters allow movies to run with faulty sound or projection because they're too greedy to care, people should get angrier.
Some movies are important works of art, and even the ones that aren't are often at least culturally significant. You can only see a movie for the first time once, and in most cases the first time will be the only time. Movie theaters aren't like any other business. They're not selling you merchandise that can be returned if defective or services that can be offered gratis if unsatisfactory--they're responsible for the entire population's entry into our era's most important art form. So when they dim their projector bulbs to save a few bucks or play movies in theaters with blown speakers or refuse to pay a kid minimum wage to stay in the booth and make sure the screen doesn't go black for an entire scene, they're not just giving you a bad product for your money, they're permanently spoiling your experience of a cultural event. And you should be pissed.
Some movies are important works of art, and even the ones that aren't are often at least culturally significant. You can only see a movie for the first time once, and in most cases the first time will be the only time. Movie theaters aren't like any other business. They're not selling you merchandise that can be returned if defective or services that can be offered gratis if unsatisfactory--they're responsible for the entire population's entry into our era's most important art form. So when they dim their projector bulbs to save a few bucks or play movies in theaters with blown speakers or refuse to pay a kid minimum wage to stay in the booth and make sure the screen doesn't go black for an entire scene, they're not just giving you a bad product for your money, they're permanently spoiling your experience of a cultural event. And you should be pissed.
December 23, 2011
Low Expectations
Every time I tell someone I got a book published they say, "Oh, like a local indie press?" When I tell them it's being made into a film they say, "Oh, like a local indie film?" When I tell them John Malkovich is in it they say, "Oh, like a local indie actor who looks like John Malkovich?"
December 19, 2011
Delays, apologies
I'm in big trouble.
I hope you guys are good forgivers.
I put my short story collection, THE HUNGRY MOUTH up for pre-order a couple weeks ago, promising that it would be finished mid-December and you'd receive it before Christmas. What I didn't mention was that I'm still writing the damn thing. Well, not writing it, but doing final editing with my agent/editor. He reads the book, takes notes on what's wrong with it, sends them to me, and I edit. I thought I would've been finished with this process weeks ago, but as I've mentioned before, my agent is a unique case because as much as he is a wizard at the business side of literature and can sell a gay prostitution memoir to a grade school textbook publisher, he's also an artist. He understands literature much better than I do, and his grasp of what works and what doesn't, in every area from major plot points down to comma placement, makes me think he should write his own novels. He also had a pretty kickass grunge band in the 90s.
The upside of him being an artist is he makes a great editor. The downside is that like most artists, he's a bit, shall we say...unpredictable. And in this case, an editing process which he assured me would take less than a week has taken about a month. Which is to say, THE BOOK WON'T BE READY IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS, BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT!
I really do apologize. I'm going to be finished editing within a couple days, but then it takes 7 days to print the books, and at least 3 days to ship them to you, so realistically, you're not going to receive them till the first or second week of January. I'm a bad person and if you want to press charges for fraud, I will understand. Maybe prison will toughen me up. It worked for Dostoyevsky.
Almost 200 books have already been pre-ordered, and I'm sure a lot of those were intended as gifts. Since I've failed to deliver on my promise, what I'd like to do is send you a postcard so you'll at least have something to give them on Christmas morning/Hanukah evening or whenever it is you celebrate Hanukah. So if you pre-ordered the book as a gift for someone else (not yourself!) please email me at isaacinspace at gmail dot com, put HOLIDAY STYLINGS in the subject line, give me your address and tell me who the gift is for. I'll send a postcard that you can wrap up and write "I didn't fuck up, the author did" on the envelope.
(PLEASE only do this if you bought the book as a gift. My poor wrists can't handle writing 200 postcards.)
I hope you guys are good forgivers.
I put my short story collection, THE HUNGRY MOUTH up for pre-order a couple weeks ago, promising that it would be finished mid-December and you'd receive it before Christmas. What I didn't mention was that I'm still writing the damn thing. Well, not writing it, but doing final editing with my agent/editor. He reads the book, takes notes on what's wrong with it, sends them to me, and I edit. I thought I would've been finished with this process weeks ago, but as I've mentioned before, my agent is a unique case because as much as he is a wizard at the business side of literature and can sell a gay prostitution memoir to a grade school textbook publisher, he's also an artist. He understands literature much better than I do, and his grasp of what works and what doesn't, in every area from major plot points down to comma placement, makes me think he should write his own novels. He also had a pretty kickass grunge band in the 90s.
The upside of him being an artist is he makes a great editor. The downside is that like most artists, he's a bit, shall we say...unpredictable. And in this case, an editing process which he assured me would take less than a week has taken about a month. Which is to say, THE BOOK WON'T BE READY IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS, BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT!
I really do apologize. I'm going to be finished editing within a couple days, but then it takes 7 days to print the books, and at least 3 days to ship them to you, so realistically, you're not going to receive them till the first or second week of January. I'm a bad person and if you want to press charges for fraud, I will understand. Maybe prison will toughen me up. It worked for Dostoyevsky.
Almost 200 books have already been pre-ordered, and I'm sure a lot of those were intended as gifts. Since I've failed to deliver on my promise, what I'd like to do is send you a postcard so you'll at least have something to give them on Christmas morning/Hanukah evening or whenever it is you celebrate Hanukah. So if you pre-ordered the book as a gift for someone else (not yourself!) please email me at isaacinspace at gmail dot com, put HOLIDAY STYLINGS in the subject line, give me your address and tell me who the gift is for. I'll send a postcard that you can wrap up and write "I didn't fuck up, the author did" on the envelope.
(PLEASE only do this if you bought the book as a gift. My poor wrists can't handle writing 200 postcards.)
December 7, 2011
THE HUNGRY MOUTH
For everyone who's been asking me, "When is your next book coming out?" "What are you working on right now?" "Why don't you do something with your life instead of dicking around on Twitter all day?"....here is my answer:
There's a proper sales pitch on the book's own special site, but since we're here on my blog, I'd like to do a rambling Academy Awards style speech and say that I'm unbelievably excited to finally be releasing these stories. Those of you who've stuck with me since the old days of creepy HTML adventures and 1-paragraph vignettes have been asking me to compile a book for a long time, but what you might not realize is that this isn't just a collection of old literary b-sides and rarities. Of the 20 stories here, 8 of them are brand new, never seen by anyone but me and my agent, and one of them, which comprises 1/3 of the book, is a novella set in the world of WARM BODIES, involving the early lives and deaths of Nora, Julie, and M. In my opinion, this collection contains most of the best writing I've ever done.
Of the stories that I've previously published online, all of them are significantly revised, refined, and added to. This book is a unique situation--I'm self-publishing it before I try to land an traditional publisher because I just don't have the patience to wait through that process. So what you'll be getting is an ultra-limited edition that is designed, printed, numbered, and signed by me myself.
There will only ever be 500 copies made.
The book is a matte UV-coated paperback printed on quality natural stock. Every copy will be signed, and any and all profits will go to support my dear old mother, Lynda Jo Marion, who will be handling the shipping for me. (You might get one of her supernaturally not-grey hairs inside your envelope!)
The following stories are present:
THE BACKROADS (NEW)
SHE AND I WALKING (formally "Blind Date")
RED! RED! RED! (formally "The Angriest Stoplight")
THE HUNGRY MAN
PIZDEC, PIZDATO (formally "Paper Airplane")
THE HOLE IN THE LAKE
SUMMER LIGHTNING
THIS TYRANNOSAUR LOVES YOU!
THE ONION CLOCK (formerly "Eli Jones and the Onion Clock")
PARKED CAR (NEW)
EMAILS FROM A SERPENT TO VARIOUS
GOVERNMENT AGENCIES (NEW)
YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL
ADAM (NEW)
ASCENDING NOTES (formerly "Now We Have a Map of the Piano")
JERRY LIVES FOREVER (formerly "What It Was Like For Jerry, Being Immortal)
HARSH WORDS FROM A FERAL CAT (NEW)
LOUD NEIGHBORS
THE MAN WHO SWALLOWED A UNIVERSE (NEW)
GRASS THROUGH THE CONCRETE (NEW)
A LONG STORY (NEW)
Note that the books are still being finalized and printed, but if by some chance they aren't going to be ready by Christmas day, I will send you some kind of special Christmas surprise that you can use as an IOU for anyone you might be buying gifts for.
There's a proper sales pitch on the book's own special site, but since we're here on my blog, I'd like to do a rambling Academy Awards style speech and say that I'm unbelievably excited to finally be releasing these stories. Those of you who've stuck with me since the old days of creepy HTML adventures and 1-paragraph vignettes have been asking me to compile a book for a long time, but what you might not realize is that this isn't just a collection of old literary b-sides and rarities. Of the 20 stories here, 8 of them are brand new, never seen by anyone but me and my agent, and one of them, which comprises 1/3 of the book, is a novella set in the world of WARM BODIES, involving the early lives and deaths of Nora, Julie, and M. In my opinion, this collection contains most of the best writing I've ever done.
Of the stories that I've previously published online, all of them are significantly revised, refined, and added to. This book is a unique situation--I'm self-publishing it before I try to land an traditional publisher because I just don't have the patience to wait through that process. So what you'll be getting is an ultra-limited edition that is designed, printed, numbered, and signed by me myself.
There will only ever be 500 copies made.
The book is a matte UV-coated paperback printed on quality natural stock. Every copy will be signed, and any and all profits will go to support my dear old mother, Lynda Jo Marion, who will be handling the shipping for me. (You might get one of her supernaturally not-grey hairs inside your envelope!)
The following stories are present:
THE BACKROADS (NEW)
SHE AND I WALKING (formally "Blind Date")
RED! RED! RED! (formally "The Angriest Stoplight")
THE HUNGRY MAN
PIZDEC, PIZDATO (formally "Paper Airplane")
THE HOLE IN THE LAKE
SUMMER LIGHTNING
THIS TYRANNOSAUR LOVES YOU!
THE ONION CLOCK (formerly "Eli Jones and the Onion Clock")
PARKED CAR (NEW)
EMAILS FROM A SERPENT TO VARIOUS
GOVERNMENT AGENCIES (NEW)
YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL
ADAM (NEW)
ASCENDING NOTES (formerly "Now We Have a Map of the Piano")
JERRY LIVES FOREVER (formerly "What It Was Like For Jerry, Being Immortal)
HARSH WORDS FROM A FERAL CAT (NEW)
LOUD NEIGHBORS
THE MAN WHO SWALLOWED A UNIVERSE (NEW)
GRASS THROUGH THE CONCRETE (NEW)
A LONG STORY (NEW)
Note that the books are still being finalized and printed, but if by some chance they aren't going to be ready by Christmas day, I will send you some kind of special Christmas surprise that you can use as an IOU for anyone you might be buying gifts for.
