Dan Santat's Blog, page 66

I drew a skeleton playing a guitar #Halloween

I drew a skeleton playing a guitar #Halloween

An image from #DadandtheDinosaur written by Gennifer Choldenko...

An image from #DadandtheDinosaur written by Gennifer Choldenko and illustrated by me, shared at today’s #pyrgpreview

Crab

Crab

A photo of a #Beekle cake emailed to me by a fan.

A photo of a #Beekle cake emailed to me by a fan.

41.I know a guy who lives in Hawaii. He works in real estate...

41.

I know a guy who lives in Hawaii. He works in real estate and in his spare time he plays in a band, surfs, and does community service for his church. He’s relaxed. Nothing bothers him. He has no worries and he is settled.

He is completely content.

I am the opposite. I am Walter White finally realizing who I truly am.

I am a workaholic.

I used to deny this. I used to say that work was a means to an end to provide for my family. For this past year I thought I could slow my life down and relax more for both health reasons and for the sake of my sanity. The only thing I realized in this past year was that I’m not very good at relaxing.

While I was in Hawaii this past Summer, I mostly spent my time vacationing doing vacation-y things. Kayaking, hiking, snorkeling, you know, that sort of ilk. I couldn’t stop feeling like I was wasting my time. I kept hearing my brain telling myself, “We’ll get through this and then we can head back to the studio where you feel more comfortable”

The truth is that I need to keep my mind busy. Being alone with my thoughts is a nightmare because they always think about worst case scenarios (which I’m sure is caused by imbibing far too much mrdia) I think about global warming and how it will effect my kids in the future. I think about Kobe Bryant retiring from basketball and then I hypothesize about a world where someone would tell me that I can’t make books anymore because I’m “too old”.

I’m fully aware that last one is absurd.

I’ve gone back to the habit of working until 1AM, and I love it. It’s a kind of sick pleasure. Work is the one thing that keeps my brain occupied. It’s my security blanket. It keeps my mind quiet. My motivation to work is so I can improve on my craft. If I can’t improve then I worry I will get bored, and if I get bored then I won’t find solace in my work. If that happens then I will be alone with my thoughts.

I’m living my life totally wrong.

I know when everyone shuts down their offices in December for the holidays I’ll be sitting at my laptop frustrated that I’m not getting emails from the publisher about work related issues. In previous years I remember hearing myself whispering, “Get back to work everyone. I need the world to feel like it’s still rotating.”

I am at my greatest peace when I am in the studio working. I wake up every morning excited to be alone in my space to create. I want to be content and not want for more, but deep inside I am unwilling to give my head that piece of mind.

Ambition is a curse.

Let me clarify. I don’t need to achieve more accolades in life. I just don’t want to feel that I knocked out my best work and the rest of it from now on will pale in comparison. Unfortunately, that is my biggest dilemma. How will I ever know?

Am I supposed to say that my new goal in life is to write something better than the work I am best known for?

I have already been gifted the lightning in a bottle once and I don’t have the audacity to say that I need to do it again. Sadly, I feel that is the curse my mind has bestowed on itself following the reward.

I don’t want to peak at 40.

Or, maybe, it is truly my wish that I could simply accept this as fact?

If I simply just settled with what I’ve achieved in life then I would be content.

I could do more tales of Beekle. They would perhaps do well, but it is not the only thing I want to be known for. I have decided that I stuck that landing and I will let it live happily ever after. (Sorry folks)

I’ve often wondered if ambition is a case of “Nature vs Nurture.” If my parents instilled ambition in me then I truly thank them for this gift. On the other hand, if ambition was a quiet monster lurking in my brain since the day I was born, then I curse it to eternity.

John Green did a blog post about the frustrations he has had trying to follow up his book, The Fault In Our Stars, and I can totally relate. It’s intimidating to have expectations that are expected of you. You can never live up to that expectation but you don’t want to let anyone down.

https://youtu.be/MiX7fVkTbzM

This is all mostly self inflicting.

I recently read Kate DiCamillo’s, Raymie Nightengale, and I thought it was outstanding. The writing was fabulous to a degree where I understood that it was a level of writing that I could never achieve even if I worked for an entire lifetime. When I read reviews I discovered people loved it, but I also realized that she has become a victim of her own best work. “It’s good but it’s no Tale of Despereaux, or Winn Dixie, or Ulysses, or…”

This, to me, is unfair. She doesn’t have to prove anything else to anyone, and yet she is held to an impossible standard for the rest of her life.

“Yeah, but it’s not a FOURTH classic…”

I was fortunate to have my own single tale of slaying a dragon and everyone lived happily ever after. I am happy. I am content with my physical life, but in my mind I realize now that I am simply a knight with no quest.

Where do I go from here?

I don’t need a princess to rescue.

I just need a dragon to slay.

Sadly, I think that dragon is my own ambition.

I’ve noticed that I’ve become much more mindful of...

I’ve noticed that I’ve become much more mindful of cultural diversity in my work over the years. It doesn’t take much #weneeddiversebooks

Placed third in the AYSO team banner contest. I was the only...

Placed third in the AYSO team banner contest. I was the only non-felt banner. I should also add that some people are way impressive with their felt sewing skills

You achieve full nerd status when you buy a shirt honoring one...

You achieve full nerd status when you buy a shirt honoring one of your favorite fonts #paulrenner #Futura

Panic

Panic

I made my kid’s soccer team banner. Tarp, colored duct...

I made my kid’s soccer team banner. Tarp, colored duct tape, and a Sharpie pen. $10. Did I have time for this? No, but it had to be done.