Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard's Blog, page 66

Leaving Abuse Behind and Becoming the Magnificent Creature We Were Meant To Be

When victims finally face the reality that their abuser is not going to change and it is not safe to have a relationship with that person, they often feel lost about what they are going to do with the rest of their lives. Many victims report that they have to go through a period of profound fear, anxiety, and mourning after their choice to leave. Yet they also report an increasing sense of relief, freedom, and strength. They become the change they seek in their lives. They are no longer held back or controlled. They stop rewarding their abuser for what he did by effectively giving him not only their past but their future as well. They become a transitional character in their family. They form new healthy relationships where they can love and be loved. They reprogram their minds with truth and move into a future where they can fulfill their potential.Pin It

THE TRUE MEANING OF SUCCESS

I was driving home the other day when a billboard caught my eye. It was a large picture of an older woman with her arms crossed in front of her chest. She had a broad smile on her face. The caption read, “Put poor kids though college . . . ...pass it on.”
Hey, I’m doing that too, I remember thinking.
Only the poor kids are all mine. Ross and I have always lived on a modest single salary. People told us you can’t raise a big family without two incomes these days. You can – if you want to bad enough. We had a dream when we married. We wanted to raise a large family and make investments in our children. So we made plans and went to work so we could offer all our ten children a university scholarship when they graduated from high school. We knew investing in human beings brings meaningful dividends.
As the years went by we both had opportunities come to us that would have required we limit our family size or the amount of time we had to spend with our children. We passed. We had a vision. We knew what felt right for us, a personal formula for success that felt good to us in our own soul.
We all need a vision – an inner flight plan that takes us where we want to land. If our vision only includes acquiring more material possessions and not blessing the lives of others . . . that is what we will end up with in the end. Through the years we have observed people with stuff visions. When they achieved the big house, new car or notoriety they sought, it did not make them happy. Lives spent on self and acquiring more possessions never satisfies. The thrill of ownership fades as quickly as the red paint on a new sports car.
I starting writing newspaper columns so I could afford to give all my children piano lessons. Writing about being a mom was something I could do at home. One thing led to another and pretty soon the columns became books.
One Saturday morning I was signing books at Barns and Noble when someone walked up and said, “Wow, you’re an author. That’s so glamorous. I’ll bet you lead a pretty exciting life.”
I chuckled as I recalled the morning’s events before I got to the store. I’d snuggled with my husband and a half dozen kids in bed, done three loads of laundry, cleaned up after soggy waffles then nursed and changed the baby. Before I hopped in the van to drive to the bookstore I spied a pile of do–do on our driveway covered with flies. I noticed my toddler near the mess minus his pants and underwear.
“Do you know anything about this?” I asked
“Sorry Mom,” my little boy answered. “I had to go real bad and I couldn’t wait.”
So I quickly dragged out the garden hose and ran some bath water. We splashed until my little boy laughed so loud it made my heart sing. I was late for the book signing, but I really didn’t care. All the people I cared most about weren’t at the store.
“Actually,” I said turning to the stranger talking to me at the author signing table, “writing is pretty boring compared to being a mom. Now that’s exciting.”
When it looks good to the world but doesn’t feel good in our soul, it isn’t success.

The LDS Mother's Almanac - Story Behind the Book

One afternoon after an exhausting day dealing with the chaotic demands of my large family and a busy husband, an editor from Deseret Book called me and asked me to write a comprehensive book for mothers.
"What do you mean by comprehensive?"... I asked.
"You know, you cover about everything a mother needs to know."
I laughed out loud.
"I can't do that. It's not possible and besides, I'm not an expert." I replied.
"We didn't ask you because you're an expert. We asked you because we love your writing style. You help mothers laugh, relax and feel good about themselves and what they do."

After more shameless bribery, I finally agreed to give it a try.

Within the next few days, my husband was called as a Mormon bishop and I found out I was pregnant with child number ten. (I was in my late forties).

I deeply doubted myself. How could I possibly write this book when my husband and children would not quit jumbling up my days with constant family demands and drama? How could I even think straight when I was so nauseated I could barely get my head off the floor. Certainly there was someone out there more qualified. I just was not up for up this. With all the material I could cover, I didn't even know where to start?

That weekend, my husband was headed up to the Homestead resort in Utah for some business meetings and I decided to go with him. While he was in planning meetings during the day, I had the opportunity for some quiet time to think away from my noisy household.

I was sitting alone in a hotel bed pregnant and nauseated contemplating where to begin. How could I write a comprehensive book for mothers when I was still trying to figure out this mom stuff for myself? I cried, but that just gave me a headache. So I got on my knees and prayed with a sincerity and earnestness that only comes from complete desperation. I was on my knees for a long, long time. I poured out all my inadequacies and flaws. I told God I could not write this book without His help.

Finally the answer came, clear and sweet. I needed to re-read the proclamation on the family. As I read, and reread this document, the jumble of anxieties in my head felt at peace for the first time.

“We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.”

This quote became SECTION ONE titled Better Beginnings where I discussed pregnancy, labor, delivery, and caring for a new baby. I was also living through pregnancy, labor, delivery and caring for a new baby in my own life while I was writing about it.

“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.”

This quote became SECTION TWO called Understanding the Basics where I discussed children at different ages of development, discipline, housework, preparing meals, laundry, yard work family finances and fitness. I was also trying to fit in all these hundreds of demands on my energy while I was writing about it.

“Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”

This quote became SECTION THREE where I give ideas for celebrations, birthdays, holidays, important events, the outdoors, family vacations and daily life. I was also living through all the crazy holidays, events and vacations while I was writing about it.

“Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”

This quote became SECTION FOUR where I discussed expression, art, cooking, crafts, computers, dance, drama, music, photography, reading, science, math, writing, family fun, nurturing self and grandma-hood. I was also wondering how to fit in all that good stuff and learning to be a new grandma while I was writing about it.

“Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teaching of the Lord Jesus Christ.”

This quote became SECTION FIVE where I discussed the family and the church, perfecting the saints, proclaiming the gospel, redeeming the dead, balancing busy family life, spiritual growth for moms and dealing with tough problems. I was also trying to create spiritual growth in my unbalanced self while I was writing about it.

Yet, even after I had a vision for the organization and what I wanted to discuss, my life was not happily ever after. I got about 200 pages into the manuscript before I got bogged down and discouraged. I wanted to give up. The new book and my life were just too exhausting and overwhelming. I rarely saw my busy bishop husband, my ten very active children were a hand full and the newborn late-night feedings and teenage curfew breakers kept me in a state of perpetual sleep deprivation.

Then 911 happened. I thought about all the mothers and fathers who were killed in the towers. I thought about the possibility of my own death and what I would want my children and grandchildren to know. My deep love for my own sons and daughters gave me the will to continue when I wanted to give up. So, I just kept waking up every day, rubbing my eyes and giving it my best shot.

Is "The LDS Mother’s Almanac", my comprehensive book for mothers, a literary masterpiece? Far from it. Do I have a perfect family? Far from it. Did I ever see my husband again when he was released as bishop? No. They made him stake president. Did I ever get a goodnight’s sleep? No, I still have teenagers and my husband snores. And guess what, I’ve never really felt like I figured out how to be a mom. I think that’s OK. I think we all feel like that.


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Poem For a Five-Year-Old

Emma’s Poem
By Grandma Baadsgaard
Here is a poem I wrote just for you
on your fifth birthday
I love you very much
 When you’re turning five
You sure know you’re alive
You’re learning all the letters
So your reading can be better
If you practice it a lot
You can learn to skip and hop
And if you’re really brave
You might start a two-wheel craze
Learning all your numbers
Makes you kind of slumber
And eating lots of beans
Makes your eyes look mean
So sometimes you say, “No!”
But Mommy just says, “So . . .”
Then you’re back to feeling mad
With squishy eyes that are so sad
But when Daddy throws you way up high
You know that you can touch the sky
And when you come back down again
We’re not so sure just where you’ve been
For turning five gives you wings to fly
And far too soon you’ll be six by and byPin It

Ten Valuable Truths for Making Friends

Ten Valuable Truths
For
Making Friends
by
Janene Baadsgaard
 
After attending four elementary schools, two junior highs and two high schools while I was growing up, I learned several valuable truths.
*If I want friends, I can’t wait for people to reach out to me – I have to reach out to them  
. . . first.
*If I want people to be interested in me – I need to be interested in them . . .  first.
*If I want to develop intimacy with someone, I need to share intimate details about myself
 . . . first.
*If I’m a happy friendly person, I will attract happy friendly people to me.
 
Because I never knew when my parents were going to announce yet another move for our family, I developed strategies to make friends quickly.
First, I notice and quietly observe people everywhere I go. I’m always on the look-out for some way to compliment the person next to me.
I make eye contact, smile and say something simple like “Hi. What do you think of this weather?”
Then I ask for their name or point out something complimentary I’ve noticed about them.
It’s easy to keep the conversation going when you’re more interested in the other person than worried about how you are being perceived. To keep a conversation going I ask for their opinion about something.


 As I’ve grown older I’ve learned these truths:
*If I genuinely like people . . . first, they like me back.
For example, if I mentally focus on what is wonderful about the people around me instead of why they bother or annoy me, they seem to instinctively know that I like them. I believe people can perceive your thoughts on some level.
*If I’m engaged in helping the community, I find great friends.
For example, I was always concerned about the condition of the old abandoned cemetery in my town and volunteered my time to get it restored. I made numerous history loving friends in the process.
*If I’m continually learning, I meet the most interesting people.
For example, I am a member of a senior citizen orchestra that takes beginners. People who keep learning make great friends. We meet twice a week for two hours and on breaks we share what is going on in our lives.
*Participating in a faith group brings me together with people who make good meaningful friends.
 For example, I participate in a book club with women from my faith group. People who love to read make interesting friends. Our monthly discussions become more intimate as we learn to know and appreciate each other.
*The best way to make emotional contact is to be open and honest about myself and my difficult or embarrassing life experiences.
For example, I am not afraid to share difficult experiences I’ve had. When I open up about myself, I invite those around me to do the same. Once I was at the grocery store and my son turned to the person behind us and said, “Hey you want to see my new Spider Man underwear?”
If I expect others to share their “underwear” or difficult experiences with me I need to be willing to share embarrassing or difficult life experiences with them.
*When I throw caution to the wind and expose myself to rejection, I have the chance to make wonderful life-long friendships.
Once I heard a woman talk at social gathering. I really enjoyed what she had to say.
Later I thanked her for her talk and said, “I can tell you are an awesome person and I’d really like to get to know you better.”
We talked casually whenever we saw each other after that. When she found out my daughter was getting married, she called me up and found out ways she could help me. As we spent time together planning the wedding, we talked and talked and talked. This women and I became life-long friends because I wasn’t afraid to tell her I wanted to be her friend and she wasn’t afraid to include herself in my daughter’s wedding plans. Emotional sharing came later after we learned that we were safe with each other. We discovered that we’d both been raised in troubled homes. We were able to become the loving sister to each other that we both longed for. Pin It

Why We Tolerate Abuse

We usually recoil from cruelty; but if we are tolerating abuse, we soon become confused or numb about what is happening. Abuse by strangers is most troubling, but abuse by those who might have loved us is devastating. If our parent, spouse, sibling, church leader, coach or teacher threatens or degrades us, steals our innocence, or assaults us, our reaction may be conflicted. Wanting so much to be loved, we tolerate abusive behavior, thinking we're being forgiving. We want to believe that eventually the abuse will stop because abusers often apologize or threaten us. Because no one wants important relationships to fail or their reputations to be tarnished, abuse is often denied, tolerated, or hidden. Worse yet, abuse continues because the victim believes she deserves cruel treatment. If victims don't report destructive behavior to professionals outside the relationship, abuse will continue. If our efforts to stop abuse fail, we have no obligation to continue the relationship.Pin It

Going to the Mountains in Winter Brings Peace

We hiked up to our cabin this past weekend. Our busy lives had trapped us in the valley smog for too long. Deep snow packed roads left us to hike alone  for miles through frosted treesand rolling hills vast vistas of frozen water  sparkling like millions of diamonds in the morning sun.  What I enjoyed most was . . . stillness.   Few venture into the mountains
when all is white.
For those who brave the cold and ice
 comes a quiet whisper . . .  
trust God
with all the seaons
of your life
all that seems wrong 
will someday yield to spring.
But for now . . .
rest
and feel at peace.
 
Pin It

The Mountains in Winter

We hiked up to our cabin this past weekend. Our busy lives had trapped us in the valley smog for too long. Deep snow packed roads left us to hike alone  for miles through frosted treesand rolling hills vast vistas of frozen water  sparkling like millions of diamonds in the morning sun.  What I enjoyed most was . . . stillness.   Few venture into the mountains
when all is white.
For those who brave the cold and ice
 comes a quiet whisper . . .  
trust God
with all the seaons
of your life
all that seems wrong 
will someday yield to spring.
But for now . . .
rest
and feel at peace.
 
Pin It

Stopping Abuse and Neglect

In many societies, there is a cultural taboo against discussing insider information that will embarrass or dishonor a family member, employer, or church leader. Instead of calling abusive behavior wrong, removing ourselves, and holding abusers accountable, we often focus on maintaining an image of well-being or attempt to endlessly self-improve. Too many of us would rather maintain appearances than admit that abusive behavior exists in our relationships. Courageously facing and dealing with the truth, no matter how ugly, is always easier in the long run than living in denial because our decision affects our children. We must be the ones who take action before abuse and neglect impacts the next generation. When we take the necessary steps to stop abuse out of love for our self, the abuser and our children, there is hope and healing possible for everyone.Pin It

Thank You Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney gave an address in 1999 to the Marriott School convocation at BYU. He explored ways to measure our life's journey. This speech was recently re-printed in the BYU alumni Magazine BYU/MAGAZINE winter 2013 volume 67, number 1. Here are a few gems:


"There's an element of unpredictability, of uncertainty, of lottery, if you will, in the world that has been created for us. If you judge your life's success by the world's standards, you may be elated or you may be gravely disappointed . . . What will you live for? The ability to live with integrity with the core of our values of love, family, service, and devotion is entirely up to us. Fundamentally, this is the business of successful living."

"On my father's 80th birthday, I asked him what had brought him the most satisfaction in his life, what his greatest accomplishment was. He had been a three-term governor, United States Cabinet member, presidential candidate, CEO, multimillionaire, and prominent Church leader. His answer was immediate: "My relationship with your mother and with my children and grandchildren is my greatest accomplishment and satisfaction."

"Golda Meir, Prime Minister of Israel, voiced the same truth in an interview on the Today Show. She explained that being a mother was her life's greatest accomplishment."

"Unless you purposefully hold fast to living first by your innermost values, . . . you will read too much into your worldly successes and, perhaps just as dangerously, read too much into your worldly setbacks."

"They(the world) do not measure your worth nor define your success unless you choose for them to do so."

"When living in integrity with your core values, your success and fulfillment are not subject to votes, to others' opinions, or to chance."

And may I add . . . Mitt thank you for choosing to live a life of integrity. Thank you for being willing to run for the highest office in this land. Thank you for always putting your family and your values first. God bless you and your family for the example you are to all of us. Though many of us are disappointed that you didn't win the presidential race, none of us are disappointed with the life you've lived. Thank you. Pin It