Guy Stewart's Blog, page 21

POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAYS: CAPTAIN YESHUA OF THE STARSHIP WHATEVER AND THE ULTIMATE PERFECTIBILITY OF HUMANITY (IF POSSIBLE)

On October 7, 2007, I started this blog. Sixteen years later, I am revising and doing some different things with my blog. My wife and I are now retired senior citizens, our kids are both married, we have a bonus daughter and her wife and we have three grandchildren, the oldest of which just became a teenager. I have forty-five professional publications, plus countless other publications as a slushpile reader, and sometime essay contributor to Stupefying Stories https://stupefyingstories.blogspot.com/.

These days, I write whenever I want to – or when I’m not busy exploring the world with my wife or kids or grandkids. I write, read constantly. Then I discovered that I was writing longer and longer pieces. My new focus is to write shorter; and to write HUMOR. On purpose. Maybe I can still irritate people while being funny. We’ll see what happens.

“Roddenberry’s Star Trek gave us the United Federation of Planets, a meta-government that spanned human space. He envisioned humanity as ultimately perfectible. While perfection remained out of reach, the notion that it was even achievable seems, perhaps, hopelessly naïve and idealistic.” (http://sci-fi.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Star_Trek_-_Gene_Roddenberry)

Naïve it may be, but even today, the Second Gospel of Science Fiction is predicated on the firm belief that Humanity will be able to create a general society that is peaceful, poverty-free and refuses to embrace divisive religion. This Gospel wants nothing to do with God. It assumes that Humanity’s baser instincts are essentially tamable and that with basic research, technological development, philosophy, sociology and psychology as our tools, we will be able to create ourselves as a “new humanity”.

The Humanist Manifesto has been around for decades, and is a series of documents signed by tens of thousands of people who have set out to do just this. (http://www.americanhumanist.org/3/HumandItsAspirations.htm). Isaac Asimov was a signatory of the Manifesto II and his works clearly proclaim the idea that we can perfect ourselves and need no outside help – especially supernatural outside help. Others who have the same beliefs use their fiction (first and foremost) to entertain, but certainly somewhere down the list of “why did I write this story?” they harbor a desire to promote their belief in the ultimate perfectibility of Humanity. Of writers, John Steinbeck said, during his Nobel Prize ceremony, "I hold that a writer who does not passionately believe in the perfectibility of man, has no dedication nor any membership in literature."
My contention is that Humanity is NOT perfectible. The Bible notes this – some of the observations are made by verifiable historical figures whose wisdom has been passed down through the ages: “…the hearts of the sons of men are full of evil, and insanity is in their hearts throughout their lives.” (Ecclesiastes 9:3) and “They are corrupt and have committed abominable injustice. There is no one who does good…every one of them has turned aside; together they have become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one.” (Psalm 52: 1-3) are both examples of simple observation.

Some might contend that Humanity is no longer the same organism David observed 4000 years ago. A quick scan of BBC.com; a talk with a retired person or an inner city classroom teacher or an organic dairy farmer in rural Wisconsin will present anecdotal evidence that “things haven’t gotten better since (FILL IN THE BLANK WITH A YEAR), they’ve gotten worse!”

They aren’t going to get any better as long as we leave ourselves in charge of the renovation. We cannot manifest our way out of a technologically more advanced slide into deeper and deeper sin. Satan will continue to take marvelous inventions and through his Human agents, pervert them to something ugly. Any Democrat will be happy to relate to you the horrors of the war in Iraq; any Republican will be happy to relate to you the horrors of Vietnam. Some atheists might point out that 9,000,000 Muslims and Jews were slaughtered during the Crusades and 300,000 during the Spanish Inquisition in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth; some Christians might point out the supposed 61,911,000 in the old Soviet Union or the alleged 35,236,000 in China who were murdered in the name of communism by atheist regimes.

The manifesting has not gone well thus far.

We ain’t getting’ better, folks. Putting Yeshua (or a Perfected Human) on the bridge of the Enterprise won’t solve our problems either. We simply can’t “get better”. We aren’t “ultimately perfectible” – not on our own or through gengineering. Only when we surrender our broken spirits to Jesus – not the Christ of the Crusaders or the Republicans – but to the Messiah of this world can we become perfect IN Him.

I’m reasonably sure that this post will irritate some of you…but this all the room I have today…

(First posted on December 25, 2007, updated 10/21/23)
Image: AVvXsEhcSwyLMTd2jFYJ9zcgXMligxrtJyWUH6X6dWa1ZG-iuqUYEuzu5qqr-zvCygqEFKDq9NvlHaQjO-ioa_I_yp-Xq8wy1YJOkDTsGGnqc0ltPjLQv7CGVUjPBryeHR2hTuByLlplCfInKi8KCH-ulgRS-63KEZ6Q8TKzhb_exugEzrVceVTjKNqLUFXdPc0 (1017×678) (googleusercontent.com)

IDEAS ON TUESDAYS 611

Each Tuesday, rather than a POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAY, I'd like to both challenge you and lend a helping hand. I generate more speculative and teen story ideas than I can ever use. My family rolls its collective eyes when I say, "Hang on a second! I just have to write down this idea..." Here, I'll include the initial inspiration (quote, website, podcast, etc.) and then a thought or two that came to mind. These will simply be seeds -- plant, nurture, fertilize, chemically treat, irradiate, test or stress them as you see fit. I only ask if you let me know if anything comes of them. Octavia Butler said, “SF doesn’t really mean anything at all, except that if you use science, you should use it correctly, and if you use your imagination to extend it beyond what we already know, you should do that intelligently.”

SF/F/H Trope: “The Space Whale Aesop suggests a real, viable course of action ("don't perform nuclear tests") by presenting fantastic consequences ("radiation from the tests will awaken a giant monster that destroys Tokyo") instead of a more realistic but not quite as dramatic example ("it can burn whole buildings if someone is careless"). Overlaps with Gaia's Vengeance if the intended message is an environmental one, which it often is.”

Current Event: Earth Day (2023) Praskeui Russo pursed her lips and said, “Everyone’s positive this is a safe test?” She wasn’t one of the science staff overseeing the test of a fast reentry vehicle. In fact, she wasn’t even out of high school yet, but after she won second place in a contest that was supposed to provide a near-instantaneous evacuation of Space Station Courage.

Mychajlo Dąbrowski shook his head and said, “They wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t safe.” It was his project they were testing. His was the First Place Winner. Not that this was exactly what he’d proposed. His idea had been to keep bunch reentry pods made of waste-metal, melted and inflated with pressurized waste CO2. The rapid expansion of the gas would have cooled it, cooling the bubble. Cutting a doorway, outfitting it a rebreathing mechanism, then coating all of them with melt from the asteroid smelter orbiting a bit higher that SS Courage. They could be tethered anywhere, everywhere.

Para shook her head, “Lots of scientists thought fission was a safe idea.”

Mych grunted. The contest was supposed be an innovative solution that would prevent an incident like the Sindikat Rossiyskikh Soyuznikov Space Station Muzhestvo – which had been badly holed and there hadn’t been enough life pods to save more than a hundred of the five hundred people who lived there. “No argument from me.”

Para looked at him, surprised. “You agree with me?”

Mych shook his head and hissed. “They’re launching.”

She scowled, but turned her full attention to the viewscreens. Instead of waste-metal bubbles, the Combined Forces part of the station had taken Mych’s idea and left out the rebreathers – those could be snatched while evacuating – and replaced them with variable explosives. Now called Situational Design ReEntry Shrapnel – SiDeReES or Sidereez – the things were being live tested today.

The first cluster of what looked like a large bunch of silver grapes was drifting out of orbit, headed down to Earth. They disappeared from sight. The window shivered and a sensor image replaced it. The capsules had started to glow red. Even as they did, the alarms in the space station suddenly began to shrill and wall panels began to glow red, fade, then glow red again. Station Command came over the public address, saying, “All crew please report to emergency stations. All others report to your emergency gathering points. This is not a drill.” The voice went on to repeat. Para looked at Mych and said, “What do you think’s happening?”

Mych’s eyes bugged wide. She turned to look at the screen. He said, “The planet – something’s happening.”

First a hole appeared to open abruptly in the surface of the Pacific Ocean. Then it widened into a gap, for all the world like a mouth opening. Where the nose would have been on a face, were the Hawaiian Islands. They were fiery pustules in the ocean that spread to engulf the entire chain, spewing lava into the water that boiled into steam. The Sidereez fell toward the mouth. For whatever reason, water was no longer pouring into the mouth-like crevasse. Simultaneously, it appeared that volcanoes had erupted in northern Mexico and on the Russian Syndicated Federation’s side of the Bering Strait.

Para blinked and whispered, “It looks like a face...” Space Station Courage shivered.

The voice said, “All personnel report to evacuation pods immediately. All personnel report…”

That voice cut off and another took its place, low, resonant, but definitely female. It was just definitely not Human and spoke words that neither teen had ever heard before. Mych said, “She’s speaking Russian.”

“Not Russian, Greek,” Para said. They looked at each other, then grabbed hands and ran to an evac pod, a few dozen meters from where they’d been watching. The station shivered, loud groans echoing down hallways whose pressure doors could no longer shut because the frames were no longer true.

The voice of the planet sounded, no matter what language they heard, like an immense Humpback Whale singing as it said, “Enough is enough...”

Names: ♀ Greece, Italy; ♂ Ukraine, Poland Image: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/e1/Falcon_9_Demo-2_Launching_6_%283%29.jpg/220px-Falcon_9_Demo-2_Launching_6_%283%29.jpg

CREATING ALIEN ALIENS Part 31: A POSSIBLE CONVERSATION: A Human, a dolphin, an elephant, an octopus, and a crow walk into a room…”

Five decades ago, I started my college career with the intent of becoming a marine biologist. I found out I had to get a BS in biology before I could even begin work on MARINE biology; especially because there WEREN'T any marine biology programs in Minnesota.

Along the way, the science fiction stories I'd been writing since I was 13 began to grow more believable. With my BS in biology and a fascination with genetics, I started to use more science in my fiction. After reading hard SF for the past 50 years, and writing hard SF successfully for the past 20, I've started to dig deeper into what it takes to create realistic alien life forms. In the following series, I'll be sharing some of what I've learned. I've had some of those stories published, some not...I teach a class to GT young people every summer called ALIEN WORLDS. I've learned a lot preparing for that class for the past 25 years...so...I have the opportunity to share with you what I've learned thus far. Take what you can use, leave the rest. Let me know what YOU'VE learned. Without further ado...FROM THIS ESSAY:
https://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/2023/09/creating-alien-aliens-part-31-human.html

“While language will absolutely be a challenge for aliens and us to overcome, the real challenge will be in understanding how we process the world around us.

“We have trouble communicating across CULTURAL divides on Earth – as a middle class, white, American male; living in this country for 66 years, I have a certain way of viewing the world. Were I to be introduced to a room with other 66-year-old men in it: from China, Qatar, India, Bangladesh, South Africa, Nigeria, and say…Brazil – I wouldn’t be able to speak with all of them; perhaps the Nigerian and Indian. What would we say to each other? Perhaps we could talk about our grandchildren? Probably…maybe how we spend our days…

“But we’re also all Human. What would I speak to a dolphin about? An octopus? An elephant? A crow? It almost sounds like the beginning of a joke: “A Human, a dolphin, an elephant, an octopus, and a crow walk into a…hmmm…zoo? The octopus says…”

“Can you make up a conversation between them all? I’m not sure, but because my most recent writing adventure is to write humorous science fiction, I think I’ll give this a try! But I guarantee it will be easier than writing the same scene with realistic aliens in it…”

HERE’S MY ATTEMPT:

Human, Dolphin, Elephant, Octopus, and Crow found themselves in a room together. They had been informed that they were all Sapient and had some things to say to each other.

The Human assumed he would start, but as he opened his mouth, the Elephant lay her trunk on the man’s shoulder. In her tank, the Dolphin stuck her head above water and laughed her “air-laugh”. It’s what Humans expected to hear from her kind. That was fine. It saved trying to explain that the sound was more complex than what Humans could hear and it was less amusement than sarcastic comment, and was in a frequency the Human couldn’t detect.

Beneath her tank, the ground suddenly began to groan, almost as if the Earth was about to shake. She located its origin beneath Elephant’s feet. Across the room from the tank, Crow leaped into the air, fluttering their wings. They spoke, but only some of the words were in a frequency she could hear. It was like denser cold-water currents laced the warm water cut across Crow’s voice, muddying it. But the Crow was speaking in some language. That much was certain only because Dolphin heard patterns in the sounds that made it into her tank. For that matter, the deeper sounds coming up from the ground also carried patterns.

For an instant, the room plunged into darkness. Inside the tank with Octopus, its skin began to ripple with flashes of color. Dolphin only saw the deeper blues of the ocean, so missed as much of Octopus’ words as she’d missed of Elephant’s. But Human turned abruptly, squatting in front of Octopus’ tank. After a moment, he began to tap on the tank glass with hard blades on the tips of his fingers.

Octopus eased across the tank, bringing as many suckers as close as he/she could squeeze them to where the Human was tapping some sort of pattern that was clearly Sapient – but completely incomprehensible. He stood up, reached out to the Dolphin tank and tapped once. Then he tapped once on Octopus’ tank.

Octopus pulled seven tentacles back, touching near the Human finger with one of their tentacles. Dolphin lifted her head and made a single sound that should be audible for the Human, Elephant, and Crow. Crow fluttered to the Human and landed on his shoulder. He flinched but didn’t panic. Crow pecked him on the side of his head once. The man jerked back in surprise and Crow launched themselves into the air again, this time landing on Elephant’s back.

Elephant lifted her trunk from the Human’s shoulder, then tapped Dolphin’s tank once.

The Human sighed. He knew they all understood numbers, but for some reason, he felt a visceral thrill. Dolphin shot a high energy pulse at him, and though the glass reflected most of it, she got a fuzzy image back – the Human’s internal organs had twitched and he’d taken a sudden breath, expanding his lungs. From the bottom of the tank, came a faint vibration. Across the room, she saw that Octopus felt the same thing, and Crow swept his wings out and shuddered his feathers, then made a loud squawk.

For a moment, all of them stopped moving. A profound silence fell over the room – nothing had been said that might be inscribed in a History – memory for Elephant, song for Dolphin, a seething cloud of ink intricately designed and remembered by Octopus, a song entirely different for Crow, and frantically typed notes on the Human’s cellphone.

But History had occurred nevertheless. Not a long paragraph, song, ink cloud, memory, a squawk, but record of a profound moment nonetheless. Perhaps they would make more profound moments as they accumulated to hours; then days. 
Perhaps History had just changed.

Image: From a Powerpoint Presentation I created for my ALIEN WORLDS class...

CREATING ALIEN ALIENS Part 31 PART 2: “A Human, a dolphin, an elephant, an octopus, and a crow walk into a room. The octopus says…”

Five decades ago, I started my college career with the intent of becoming a marine biologist. I found out I had to get a BS in biology before I could even begin work on MARINE biology; especially because there WEREN'T any marine biology programs in Minnesota.

Along the way, the science fiction stories I'd been writing since I was 13 began to grow more believable. With my BS in biology and a fascination with genetics, I started to use more science in my fiction. After reading hard SF for the past 50 years, and writing hard SF successfully for the past 20, I've started to dig deeper into what it takes to create realistic alien life forms. In the following series, I'll be sharing some of what I've learned. I've had some of those stories published, some not...I teach a class to GT young people every summer called ALIEN WORLDS. I've learned a lot preparing for that class for the past 25 years...so...I have the opportunity to share with you what I've learned thus far. Take what you can use, leave the rest. Let me know what YOU'VE learned. Without further ado...FROM THIS ESSAY: https://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/2023/09/creating-alien-aliens-part-31-human.html

“While language will absolutely be a challenge for aliens and us to overcome, the real challenge will be in understanding how we process the world around us.

“We have trouble communicating across CULTURAL divides on Earth – as a middle class, white, American male; living in this country for 66 years, I have a certain way of viewing the world. Were I to be introduced to a room with other 66-year-old men in it: from China, Qatar, India, Bangladesh, South Africa, Nigeria, and say…Brazil – I wouldn’t be able to speak with all of them; perhaps the Nigerian and Indian. What would we say to each other? Perhaps we could talk about our grandchildren? Probably…maybe how we spend our days…

“But we’re also all Human. What would I speak to a dolphin about? An octopus? An elephant? A crow? It almost sounds like the beginning of a joke: “A Human, a dolphin, an elephant, an octopus, and a crow walk into a…hmmm…zoo? The octopus says…”

“Can you make up a conversation between them all? I’m not sure, but because my most recent writing adventure is to write humorous science fiction, I think I’ll give this a try! But I guarantee it will be easier than writing the same scene with realistic aliens in it…”

HERE’S MY ATTEMPT:

Human, Dolphin, Elephant, Octopus, and Crow found themselves in a room together. They had been informed that they were all Sapient and had some things to say to each other.

The Human assumed he would start, but as he opened his mouth, the Elephant lay her trunk on the man’s shoulder. In her tank, the Dolphin stuck her head above water and laughed her “air-laugh”. It’s what Humans expected to hear from her kind. That was fine. It saved trying to explain that the sound was more complex than what Humans could hear and it was less amusement than sarcastic comment, and was in a frequency the Human couldn’t detect.

Beneath her tank, the ground suddenly began to groan, almost as if the Earth was about to shake. She located its origin beneath Elephant’s feet. Across the room from the tank, Crow leaped into the air, fluttering their wings. They spoke, but only some of the words were in a frequency she could hear. It was like denser cold-water currents laced the warm water cut across Crow’s voice, muddying it. But the Crow was speaking in some language. That much was certain only because Dolphin heard patterns in the sounds that made it into her tank. For that matter, the deeper sounds coming up from the ground also carried patterns.

For an instant, the room plunged into darkness. Inside the tank with Octopus, its skin began to ripple with flashes of color. Dolphin only saw the deeper blues of the ocean, so missed as much of Octopus’ words as she’d missed of Elephant’s. But Human turned abruptly, squatting in front of Octopus’ tank. After a moment, he began to tap on the tank glass with hard blades on the tips of his fingers.

Octopus eased across the tank, bringing as many suckers as close as he/she could squeeze them to where the Human was tapping some sort of pattern that was clearly Sapient – but completely incomprehensible. He stood up, reached out to the Dolphin tank and tapped once. Then he tapped once on Octopus’ tank.

Octopus pulled seven tentacles back, touching near the Human finger with one of their tentacles. Dolphin lifted her head and made a single sound that should be audible for the Human, Elephant, and Crow. Crow fluttered to the Human and landed on his shoulder. He flinched but didn’t panic. Crow pecked him on the side of his head once. The man jerked back in surprise and Crow launched themselves into the air again, this time landing on Elephant’s back.

Elephant lifted her trunk from the Human’s shoulder, then tapped Dolphin’s tank once.

The Human sighed. He knew they all understood numbers, but for some reason, he felt a visceral thrill. Dolphin shot a high energy pulse at him, and though the glass reflected most of it, she got a fuzzy image back – the Human’s internal organs had twitched and he’d taken a sudden breath, expanding his lungs. From the bottom of the tank, came a faint vibration. Across the room, she saw that Octopus felt the same thing, and Crow swept his wings out and shuddered his feathers, then made a loud squawk.

For a moment, all of them stopped moving. A profound silence fell over the room – nothing had been said that might be inscribed in a History – memory for Elephant, song for Dolphin, a seething cloud of ink intricately designed and remembered by Octopus, a song entirely different for Crow, and frantically typed notes on the Human’s cellphone.

But History had occurred nevertheless. Not a long paragraph, song, ink cloud, memory, a squawk, but record of a profound moment nonetheless. Perhaps they would make more profound moments as they accumulated to hours; then days. 
Perhaps History had just changed.

Image: From a Powerpoint Presentation I created for my ALIEN WORLDS class...

IDEA ON TUESDAY 610

Each Tuesday, rather than a POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAY, I'd like to both challenge you and lend a helping hand. I generate more speculative and teen story ideas than I can ever use. My family rolls its collective eyes when I say, "Hang on a second! I just have to write down this idea..." Here, I'll include the initial inspiration (quote, website, podcast, etc.) and then a thought or two that came to mind. These will simply be seeds -- plant, nurture, fertilize, chemically treat, irradiate, test or stress them as you see fit. I only ask if you let me know if anything comes of them. Regarding horror, I found this insight in line with WIRED FOR STORY: “ We seek out…stories which give us a place to put our fears…Stories that frighten us or unsettle us - not just horror stories, but ones that make us uncomfortable or that strike a chord somewhere deep inside - give us the means to explore the things that scare us…” – Lou Morgan (The Guardian)

H Trope: personally experiencing the death of a _____________
Current Event: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/popular-culture-meets-psychology/201209/near-death-experience

“How do you know how other people experience death?” asked Mr. Folgers, the senior psych teacher.

Carl Haven leaned over to his best friend, Clarke Halverson and whispered, “How do you know when a teacher has gone over the edge?”

“Mr. Haven? The Other Mr. Haven? If you have something to share, let the whole class experience your wisdom.” Mr. Folgers snarled, then spun away from the class back to his Powerpoint presentation.

Clarke glared at the teacher’s back then turned his glare on Carl. A moment later he curled over his notebook and started writing furiously.

Carl looked over his best friend at Se’Anna King whose seat was in the next row. Her eyes widened. He lifted an eyebrow and shrugged.

When the bell rang, Clarke was out of his seat like a shot and out of the room. Carl said to Se’Anna, “What’s wrong with...”

Mr. Folgers walked up to him and handed him a yellow slip of paper. Carl exclaimed, “What am I getting a detention for?”

“I believe we have some catching up to do, Mr. Haven Your current grade in the class stands at an NC.”

“What? How can that be? I had a C+ last week!”

“That was before the test you and the Other Mr. Haven cheated on together. You both failed. That and your clone’s repeated missing of due dates and generally sour behavior have placed his otherwise untarnished Grade Point Average in jeopardy.”

Carl snatched the detention slip and muttered darkly under his breath as Mr. Folgers said, “I’ll see you later this week, Mr. Haven. Oh, and send your recalcitrant friend my way as well. I have a slip for him. Right after I call his parents tonight.”

Carl froze, his anger draining away and turned around. “Don’t call his dad, Mr. Folgers! Please? It’ll just make matters worse!”

The psych teacher sniffed, “A phone call in the past has brought amazing results, Mr. Haven. Now hurry to lunch or you won’t be able to have your daily infusion of Mountain Dew to maintain your sunny disposition.”

Carl glared at the teacher’s back then stomped out of the room. The door had a spring-loaded closer, so it was impossible to slam. He stopped in the lav on his way to the foyer where he’d meet his girlfriend Nyota and her passel of gfs and they’d head out to lunch together. He was washing his hands when it felt like someone kicked him in the chest.

He staggered backwards, gasping, stumbled and fell to the floor between the pair of urinals he’d just turned from. From the open lav door, he heard a scream. Then a horrible burning lanced up his leg from his foot to his thigh. He couldn’t help but scream. It felt like someone had blown his leg off!

He looked down expecting to see blood, but there was nothing. Only dirty lavatory floor. An instant later, a younger kid – probably a freshman – ran into the lav, yanking the door closed behind him. Not looking at Carl on the floor, he staggered past and went to the handicapped stall and slammed the door

On the floor was a red footprint. Carl was staring at it when another wave of searing pain shot up his arm from his hand…
Names: ♀ Ireland; ♂ German, Latin, England, Norway
Image: https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51niGRrH6DL.jpg

CREATING ALIEN ALIENS Part 32 A: Human Manners; Alien Manners

Five decades ago, I started my college career with the intent of becoming a marine biologist. I found out I had to get a BS in biology before I could even begin work on MARINE biology; especially because there WEREN'T any marine biology programs in Minnesota.

Along the way, the science fiction stories I'd been writing since I was 13 began to grow more believable. With my BS in biology and a fascination with genetics, I started to use more science in my fiction.

After reading hard SF for the past 50 years, and writing hard SF successfully for the past 20, I've started to dig deeper into what it takes to create realistic alien life forms. In the following series, I'll be sharing some of what I've learned. I've had some of those stories published, some not...I teach a class to GT young people every summer called ALIEN WORLDS. I've learned a lot preparing for that class for the past 25 years...so...I have the opportunity to share with you what I've learned thus far. Take what you can use, leave the rest. Let me know what YOU'VE learned. Without further ado...

So, once we contact/are contacted by THEM, where do we go? How do we behave? Will aliens simply believe what they see from our well-behaved diplomats or Congresspeople er…common everyday folk, scientists, ummm…who, exactly WILL represent Humanity to an alien civilization and/or alien representatives?

The United Nations…well…not exactly, as they aren't EXACTLY "united".

The wealthy? Hmmm, problematic at best, but more likely to have something to talk about with aliens, who invested LOTS OF…well, SOMETHING to travel light years to reach Earth. Wealthy Humans may feel they have more in common with aliens they know came from vast distances.

The poor? Sometimes the poor WERE wealthy! Perhaps the ideal First Communicator would be someone who once experienced wealth, then lost that wealth. People like Martha Stewart. Larry King. Dorothy Hamill. Walt Disney. All of them were wealthy (PLUS Stewart spent five months in prison), then recovered their wealth. They understand the attitude – but that also they know the feel of poverty, making them sympathetic to most of the inhabitants of Earth (“81 billionaires have more wealth than 50% of the world combined”) – for those of us mathematically inclined that’s 2 x 10 (to the) -9 % of the world’s population is richer than 4,000,000,000 of the rest of us.

Yet, there’s a good chance that some of those wealthiest Humans will call the shots in the event of an alien landing. Certainly some will argue that they are more QUALIFIED to speak with aliens...so we need to be prepared to deal with them and actually CHOOSE people who would be qualified and not just the "right party" (would aliens even UNDERSTAND something like a "political party"???).

I’d be hesitant to put soldiers in charge of talking to aliens as well – and I’m the father of an Army Staff Sergeant, and have known fine, upstanding soldiers of ranks all the way up to Major -- but I'd still be hesitant to put a soldier as the sole contact to aliens. But, being in the military carries with it a very clear mindset that may or may not be important when welcoming (or confronting) aliens who have landed on Earth.

I suppose a TEAM would be best, but then that smacks of manners and protocol, doesn’t it? Can we make an assumption that aliens would have the same or similar manners and protocol as we would -- or even that they are more "mono-thought" than we are?
It seems to me that we COULD assume that.

The aliens coming to Earth have invested an immense amount of whatever passes for “cash” on their world – or however they coerced someone on their world to foot the bill to construct or grow a ship capable of traveling across tens to millions of light-years AND to deliver people of alien origin WHO ARE STILL ALIVE after crossing those distances.

The first question our former-millionaire-poverty-stricken-again-millionaire first contact group will be, naturally, “Why are you here?”

The assumption is that we would understand any answer the aliens would give. We would be expecting (the ONLY ANSWER WE COULD POSSIBLY EXPECT is "We've come to take over everything and vaporize all of you.") an answer we could understand – and yet, can we MAKE such an assumption? 
Think about it: the first white person landing on any shore of the Americas is confronted by someone who already lives there. (It seems to me that the first question European “explorers” asked, was “What are YOU doing here?” then they proceeded to be enraged that someone else claimed to have been there FIRST and weren’t interested in giving up their homeland…but I digress.) 
An alien standing in front of our Greeters SHOULD face a small group of the MOST diverse individuals we can assemble. They should NOT be from the area of the landing (though least ONE should be a true local, I suppose as the aliens chose to land THERE) rather they should have one person from each SUB-Continent, though NOT from each country. That would be a somewhat overwhelming number of Humans – if it happened today, that would be 195 people.

Unless the Aliens brought that many with them (which means, if the brought 195, that they understand the significance of the nation-states of Earth and are willing to deal with us that way) it seems reasonable that we might (instead of bringing up the RICHEST countries) bring a pair of people from each of the most POPULOUS countries – one rich person, one poor person.

These individuals would have to be trained as well as we can train them. IF the aliens adhere to manners we can understand, they will send us a dictionary with a common language everyone could speak; preparing us for that contact – rather than like the movie “Arrival” where linguists had to figure out the language of the Heptapods and put it all together just moments before an all-out planetary war erupted... 

This would reduce the number of Humans greeting the aliens to some sixty. These individuals would then be able to represent nations with populations ranging from 1.5 billion to .05 billion, and speak with some authority – but NOT BE FROM ANY RULING GROUP WHETHER DICTATORSHIP OR REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY. They need to be regular people; because it's regular people who will be most profoundly affected by an alien visitation.

All right, that’s all I can think of for now, but rest assured – I’m not done yet! I’m sure as I ponder this, I’ll think of more things that we might need to make a first contact with an alien civilizations.

Sources: https://www.wisebread.com/12-lessons-in-manners-from-around-the-world ; https://www.sciencealert.com/these-7-rules-form-a-universal-moral-code-shared-by-every-culture-study-finds ; https://bss.au.dk/en/cognition-and-behavior-lab/for-participants/examples-of-studies-in-cobe-lab/what-aliens-can-tell-us-about-politeness ; https://www.entrepreneur.com/leadership/9-multimillionaires-who-lost-it-all-but-came-back/335042 ; https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/wealth-inequality-oxfam-billionaires-elon-musk/#:~:text=The richest 1% own almost half of the world's wealth,99% of the world's population. ; https://www.nationsonline.org/oneworld/states.htm#:~:text=List of all Sovereign Nations,including de facto independent Taiwan Image: https://image.shutterstock.com/image-illustration/alien-human-600w-136457129.jpg

IDEAS ON TUESDAY 609

Each Tuesday, rather than a POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAY, I'd like to both challenge you and lend a helping hand. I generate more speculative and teen story ideas than I can ever use. My family rolls its collective eyes when I say, "Hang on a second! I just have to write down this idea..." Here, I'll include the initial inspiration (quote, website, podcast, etc.) and then a thought or two that came to mind. These will simply be seeds -- plant, nurture, fertilize, chemically treat, irradiate, test or stress them as you see fit. I only ask if you let me know if anything comes of them? Regarding Fantasy, this insight was startling: “I see the fantasy genre as an ever-shifting metaphor for life in this world, an innocuous medium that allows the author to examine difficult, even controversial, subjects with impunity. Honor, religion, politics, nobility, integrity, greed—we’ve an endless list of ideals to be dissected and explored. And maybe learned from.” – Melissa McPhail.

Fantasy Trope: Heroic Fantasy (Conan The Barbarian)
Current Event: http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-in-school/fantasy-fighting-takes-modernday-gladiators-back-in-time/article6178357.ece

Sukhjeev Hegde adjusted her brass brassiere and said, “Do you know why they make us wear these things?”

Shrugging, Vrishab Brahmbatt pulled up steel supporter and said, “Same reason I gotta wear this thing.”

“And that is…” she hefted the broadsword, swung it – and nearly chopped Vrish’s head off.

“Would you watch out with that thing!” he cried, then added, “It’s verisimilitude.”

“How can dressing this way be ‘an appearance or semblance of truth’ if it’s all fake anyway? We act like it’s true...”

“Why? So it will become truth? That’s the most fantastic thing you’ve said on this entire date!”

He pursed his lips, then said sullenly, “It’s not a date.”

“Sure it is!” Sukhjee said. “You asked me to come with you on this adventure thing and I said yes, if we can have a good cup of coffee afterwards.” She glared at him and added, “You’re not thinking of reneging on the coffee, are you?”

“No, we’ll still do the coffee, it’s just that I forgot to tell you something about this simulation.” The ground trembled suddenly and the rest of their mutuality turned to the castle gate as it wound down on heavy chains. The computer-generated images – Sukhjee had called them barely adequate shimmered and seemed to take on the weight of reality.

Without looking at Vrish, she said, “You forgot to tell me that at some magical command or when the Moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars that peace won’t be guiding the planets – those gigantic monster sheep with glow-in-the-dark scarlet eyes will?”

“You took the words right out of my mouth.”

“So, do we run or fight?” she asked.

What he assumed were the ‘real’ people had dropped their weapons and were running away from the sheepsters. “It’s a first date, I’m open to whatever you’d like to do.”

Sukhjee tossed her sword from one hand to the other, almost dropped it then grinned at Vrish then said, “Let’s go fight us some sheepsters, sweetie!” Along with the once-simulated army, she charged the creature who’d been joined by four others.

“Don’t call me ‘sweetie’,” Vrish said as he charged after his date.

Names: ♀ Sikh, India ; ♂ Hindu, IndiaImage: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/98/71/e5/9871e52bbc09c525af21b8f6471eab15.jpg

POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAYS (PIE, Get it?): Trying To Write Funny Is Serious Business!

On October 7, 2007, I started this blog. Sixteen years later, I am revising and doing some different things with my blog. My wife and I are now retired senior citizens, our kids are both married, we have a bonus daughter and her wife and we have three grandchildren, the oldest of which just became a teenager. I have forty-five professional publications, plus countless other publications as a slushpile reader, and sometime essay contributor to Stupefying Stories https://stupefyingstories.blogspot.com/.
These days, I write whenever I want to – or when I’m not busy exploring the world with my wife or kids or grandkids. I write, read constantly. Then I discovered that I was writing longer and longer pieces. My new focus is to write shorter; and to write HUMOR. On purpose. Maybe I can still irritate people while being funny. It works pretty well for John Scalzi! We’ll see what happens.

So, all I can do here is talk about the humorous SF I have read and attempted to write. I wrote this on February 18, 2018 – nearly six years ago. I was (if you check to the right of the column here) still nine stories from my total thus far. Of the ones published, only one could be considered an attempt at humor – that was “Doctor To the Undead” was somewhat humorous, but also had a serious point. Read it if you haven’t and let me know if I balanced the funny with the un-(funny, that is). https://stupefyingstories.blogspot.com/2021/08/doctor-to-undead-by-guy-stewart.html
This was supposed to be funny, too! It was called “Bogfather”: (https://stupefyingstories.blogspot.com/2017/12/today-on-showcase.html) Intended to be a play on words using a drifting bog island in northern Minnesota as a setting…it was supposed to reflect the lives of typical lake cabin owners here. As there have been no rave reviews (or even any comments, for that matter, though people HAVE stopped at it 410 times. Those can’t ALL be accidents!). I have to assume that the humor was lost on anyone but me (and maybe Bruce Bethke…).

But what IS humor – putting speculative fiction aside for a moment – and is it definable and something that can be intentionally created? One definition: “the tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement”. To me, this means that how you evaluate an experience forces you to either make a barking sound or feel something (probably pleasant).

Ah! Here’s a REALLY helpful theory of what humor is, it’s even “endorsed by Peter McGraw [an associate professor of Marketing and Psychology at the University of Colorado Boulder], attempts to explain humour's existence. The theory says ‘humour only occurs when something seems wrong, unsettling, or threatening, but simultaneously seems okay, acceptable or safe’.” (Wikipedia)

I’ve written on humor in speculative fiction before. In the article (http://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/search?q=Humor), I noted, “I have a COMEDY WRITING SECRETS book; I read THE HUMOR CODE)…I’m a funny guy. I’ve read collections of science fiction humor, too like ANALOG Science Fiction and Fact’s THE FUNNY SIDE (an old collection) and the Kelvin Throop III stories. Of course, I’ve read all of Spider Robinson’s CALLAHAN’S CROSS TIME SALOON books.” Also, here: http://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/2017/05/possibly-irritating-essay-laughing.html; and here http://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/2014/03/slice-of-pie-james-thurber-o-henry-mash.html; and here http://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/search?q=Humor

I love to laugh, and my humor of choice is slapstick. I LOVE a good pratfall! My wife and I thoroughly enjoyed watching Despicable Me 3 – which is just one sight gag after another. I spent most of the movie laughing out loud. I should just say that she doesn’t REALLY get it. Her sense of humor is much more subtle than mine is. She enjoys the cerebral humor of M*A*S*H (which I do as well) and the movies made from the Jane Austen books. She likes the gentle humor of Barbara Streisand rather than the slapstick of Ellen DeGeneres.

I made my first sale to ANALOG with a humorous piece called “Absolute Limits” in which I hyper-exaggerated the search for a FTL drive and the tendency of Americans to take speed limits set by law enforcement to be suggestions. “Bogfather”, linked above is funny, as is one I’m shopping around called, “Titan Mission Drops Bomb” (which never hooked anyone, sadly; though I confess that that one is a bit of scatological humor that even I’m uncomfortable with!)

It also happens to be the only story I’ve ever submitted to Daily Science Fiction (recently defunct) that made it into the “Hold for further consideration” category, so maybe I’m finally getting close. So far, though, (updated), I don’t seem to be. I have a humorous piece at NATURE FUTURE that was both intentionally written to be humorous AND had an interesting science fiction idea in it as well.

I’m continuing to study humor as well as flash fiction. I think the two make a decent pair: HUMOR – Techniques To Tickle the Funny Bone (Donna Cavanaugh); THE DEER ON A BICYCLE (Patrick McManus); THE ART OF BREVITY (Grant Faulkner, “Why yes, is IS related to THAT Faulkner!”). I’ve waiting in the wings a collection of humorous SF stories collected in THIS IS MY FUNNIEST, (Isaac Asimov, Connie Willis, Josepha Sherman, and David Brin, and many others). And lastly; HAPPY TO BE HERE (Garrison Keillor, local superstar and comedian).

So, as I quest, I’ll keep y’all updated. And if you’d like, read the stories and articles I linked above! Maybe my stuff will be funny – maybe you’ll learn something about writing humor!

Inspiration: Humorous SF Fiction Lists: https://theportalist.com/13-science-fiction-books-that-will-tickle-your-funny-bone, https://www.tor.com/2016/07/14/in-praise-of-humor-in-fantasy-and-science-fiction/, https://best-sci-fi-books.com/19-funniest-science-fiction-books/, http://dailysciencefiction.com/hither-and-yon/humor, http://greatsfandf.com/humorous-books.php

And this is a REAL list!: https://io9.gizmodo.com/5950437/the-best-science-fiction-and-fantasy-novels-to-cheer-you-up-when-youre-feeling-blue, https://alexshvartsman.com/ufo-unidentified-funny-objects/, https://www.goodreads.com/list/show/4967.Best_Humorous_Fantasy_and_Science_Fiction_
Image: 

POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAYS (PIE, Get it?): Trying To Write Funny Is A Serious Undertaking!

On October 7, 2007, I started this blog. Sixteen years later, I am revising and doing some different things with my blog. My wife and I are now retired senior citizens, our kids are both married, we have a bonus daughter and her wife and we have three grandchildren, the oldest of which just became a teenager. I have forty-five professional publications, plus countless other publications as a slushpile reader, and sometime essay contributor to Stupefying Stories https://stupefyingstories.blogspot.com/.
These days, I write whenever I want to – or when I’m not busy exploring the world with my wife or kids or grandkids. I write, read constantly. Then I discovered that I was writing longer and longer pieces. My new focus is to write shorter; and to write HUMOR. On purpose. Maybe I can still irritate people while being funny. It works pretty well for John Scalzi! We’ll see what happens.

So, all I can do here is talk about the humorous SF I have read and attempted to write. I wrote this on February 18, 2018 – nearly six years ago. I was (if you check to the right of the column here) still nine stories from my total thus far. Of the ones published, only one could be considered an attempt at humor – that was “Doctor To the Undead” was somewhat humorous, but also had a serious point. Read it if you haven’t and let me know if I balanced the funny with the un-(funny, that is).

This was supposed to be funny, too! It was called “Bogfather”: (https://stupefyingstories.blogspot.com/2017/12/today-on-showcase.html) Intended to be a play on words using a drifting bog island in northern Minnesota as a setting…it was supposed to reflect the lives of typical lake cabin owners here. As there have been no rave reviews (or even any comments, for that matter, though people HAVE stopped at it 410 times. Those can’t ALL be accidents!). I have to assume that the humor was lost on anyone but me (and maybe Bruce Bethke…).

But what IS humor – putting speculative fiction aside for a moment – and is it definable and something that can be intentionally created? One definition: “the tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement”. To me, this means that how you evaluate an experience forces you to either make a barking sound or feel something (probably pleasant).

Ah! Here’s a REALLY helpful theory of what humor is, it’s even “endorsed by Peter McGraw [an associate professor of Marketing and Psychology at the University of Colorado Boulder], attempts to explain humour's existence. The theory says ‘humour only occurs when something seems wrong, unsettling, or threatening, but simultaneously seems okay, acceptable or safe’.” (Wikipedia)

I’ve written on humor in speculative fiction before. In the article (http://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/search?q=Humor), I noted, “I have a COMEDY WRITING SECRETS book; I read THE HUMOR CODE)…I’m a funny guy. I’ve read collections of science fiction humor, too like ANALOG Science Fiction and Fact’s THE FUNNY SIDE (an old collection) and the Kelvin Throop III stories. Of course, I’ve read all of Spider Robinson’s CALLAHAN’S CROSS TIME SALOON books.” Also, here: http://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/2017/05/possibly-irritating-essay-laughing.html; and here http://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/2014/03/slice-of-pie-james-thurber-o-henry-mash.html; and here http://faithandsciencefiction.blogspot.com/search?q=Humor

I love to laugh, and my humor of choice is slapstick. I LOVE a good pratfall! My wife and I thoroughly enjoyed watching Despicable Me 3 – which is just one sight gag after another. I spent most of the movie laughing out loud. I should just say that she doesn’t REALLY get it. Her sense of humor is much more subtle than mine is. She enjoys the cerebral humor of M*A*S*H (which I do as well) and the movies made from the Jane Austen books. She likes the gentle humor of Barbara Streisand rather than the slapstick of Ellen DeGeneres.

I made my first sale to ANALOG with a humorous piece called “Absolute Limits” in which I hyper-exaggerated the search for a FTL drive and the tendency of Americans to take speed limits set by law enforcement to be suggestions. “Bogfather”, linked above is funny, as is one I’m shopping around called, “Titan Mission Drops Bomb” (which never hooked anyone, sadly; though I confess that that one is a bit of scatological humor that even I’m uncomfortable with!)

It also happens to be the only story I’ve ever submitted to Daily Science Fiction (recently defunct) that made it into the “Hold for further consideration” category, so maybe I’m finally getting close. So far, though, (updated), I don’t seem to be. I have a humorous piece at NATURE FUTURE that was both intentionally written to be humorous AND had an interesting science fiction idea in it as well.

I’m continuing to study humor as well as flash fiction. I think the two make a decent pair: HUMOR – Techniques To Tickle the Funny Bone (Donna Cavanaugh); THE DEER ON A BICYCLE (Patrick McManus); THE ART OF BREVITY (Grant Faulkner, “Why yes, is IS related to THAT Faulkner!”). I’ve waiting in the wings a collection of humorous SF stories collected in THIS IS MY FUNNIEST, (Isaac Asimov, Connie Willis, Josepha Sherman, and David Brin, and many others). And lastly; HAPPY TO BE HERE (Garrison Keillor, local superstar and comedian).

So, as I quest, I’ll keep y’all updated. And if you’d like, read the stories and articles I linked above! Maybe my stuff will be funny – maybe you’ll learn something about writing humor!

Inspiration: Humorous SF Fiction Lists: https://theportalist.com/13-science-fiction-books-that-will-tickle-your-funny-bone, https://www.tor.com/2016/07/14/in-praise-of-humor-in-fantasy-and-science-fiction/, https://best-sci-fi-books.com/19-funniest-science-fiction-books/, http://dailysciencefiction.com/hither-and-yon/humor, http://greatsfandf.com/humorous-books.php

And this is a REAL list!: https://io9.gizmodo.com/5950437/the-best-science-fiction-and-fantasy-novels-to-cheer-you-up-when-youre-feeling-blue, https://alexshvartsman.com/ufo-unidentified-funny-objects/, https://www.goodreads.com/list/show/4967.Best_Humorous_Fantasy_and_Science_Fiction_
Image: 

IDEAS ON TUESDAYS 608

Each Tuesday, rather than a POSSIBLY IRRITATING ESSAY, I'd like to both challenge you and lend a helping hand. I generate more speculative and teen story ideas than I can ever use. My family rolls its collective eyes when I say, "Hang on a second! I just have to write down this idea..." Here, I'll include the initial inspiration (quote, website, podcast, etc.) and then a thought or two that came to mind. These will simply be seeds -- plant, nurture, fertilize, chemically treat, irradiate, test or stress them as you see fit. I only ask if you let me know if anything comes of them. Octavia Butler said, “SF doesn’t really mean anything at all, except that if you use science, you should use it correctly, and if you use your imagination to extend it beyond what we already know, you should do that intelligently.”

SF Trope: complex planetary ecology
Current Event: “large-scale carbon capture and sequestration projects” (http://cleantechnica.com/2014/01/20/gore-rejects-geoengineering-climate-change-panacea/), http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2012/jul/18/iron-sea-carbon

Logan Andrist frowned and said, “What do you mean they’re going to dump iron into the lake?”

Nkokoyanga Pomodimo, far from her land-locked home in the Central African Republic held tight to the railing of the re-purposed iron ore freighter – a laker – as it dipped down into the swells of Lake Superior. She said, speaking loudly over the rushing wind around them, “The iron will cause algae to grow wildly. As they grow they need more carbon dioxide. As they suck up the CO2, they store the resulting carbon-rich sugars and then keep it when they die and sink to the bottom of Superior...”

“I know what carbon sequestering is! I’m a limnology major...”

She shook her head in the wild winds and shouted, “This is glorious! Feeling Gaia beneath your feet is the most...”

“Wouldn’t that technically be Poseidon? Besides, who gave them permission to do this?”

She turned to catch his gaze and he recognized her crazy, angry look as she cried back, “Who gave all you rich white colonialists the right to pollute and rape our world?”

He didn’t want to shout. What he really wanted to do was kiss her right then and there in the cold spray from the Lake – but he didn’t want a broken face, so he shouted, “I didn’t do any of that! Why are you yelling at me?”

“I’m not yelling at you,” she shouted. “I’m yelling TO you!”

“What’s that,” the nose of the laker dove deep, nearly flooding the deck and driving a mountain of spray over them. The water was frigid despite the hot August sun burning down on them through breaks in the scudding clouds. He wiped his face clear of water and finished, “Supposed to mean?”

“You’re not to blame, old friend, but you are responsible! That’s why the captain of this tub is an old white man!”

“Professor Buddlorem’s driving the ship? We have to go save all of our lives!” Logan let go of the railing; Nkokoyanga grabbed him and pulled him tight.

“The computer is doing most of the driving! He’s just playing captain!”

Logan eyed her warily the said, “How are we supposed to get all this iron into Lake Superior?”

‘Ko’ grinned and shouted, “Now that’s the tricky part!”

Names: ♀ Central African Republic, Gbaya; ♂ Minnesota, MinnesotaImage: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/e1/Falcon_9_Demo-2_Launching_6_%283%29.jpg/220px-Falcon_9_Demo-2_Launching_6_%283%29.jpg