Phil Villarreal's Blog, page 149
December 17, 2012
Review: Zero Dark Thirty
If there's a masterful cinematic trick in Zero Dark Thirty, it's the drama's ability to masquerade as truth. Taking on more of a documentary feel than the reverent re-enactment flavor of, say, Lincoln, Kathryn Bigelow's film harnesses the plausibly messy brutality of counterterrorism.
The pounding headache of a film is nowhere close to a flag-waving tale of patriotic conquest you might have expected. Instead it's a blind, bloody manhunt that gawks unflinchingly at the murky morality of black ops, sick and bizarre interrogation routines and inspid backroom meetings that amount to throwing darts at a board to flail for success, collatoral damage of innocent lives be damned. Like Bigelow's similarly dark The Hurt Locker, the film is less interested in action than the angst that accompanies inaction.
That is, until it throws up its hands and becomes an action movie at the climax. Once it's time, Bigelow dispenses with the character study and philosophizing and transforms into a video game. The mesmerizing raid of the infamous Pakistani stronghold explodes in a dizzy whirlwind of justified, exuberant bloodlust.
But it's a final scene, involving Jessica Chastain is Maya, an American agent who tracks down Osama bin Laden with a Javert-like obsession, that sticks with you long after the credits roll.
Chastain, who has emerged from obscurity to acting's top echelons in the span of 24 months, seems willing to bleed for the movie's success. Her heart-darkened journey from eager, idealistic junior agent to hardened interrogator and finally to calculating tactician echoes the American culture's metamorphosis along the winding, decade-long labyrinth to catch and dispatch its bearded bogeyman. Having dedicated her existence to the job at the expense of her humanity, Maya hurts until she can no longer recognize the emotion, or any feeling whatsoever. She's maybe a more grounded version of the Claire Danes character in Homeland.
Other than Chastain's soul-baring performance, what I most respected about the film was its general indifference to telling a traditional story. Bigelow is more interested in leading toward pitfalls and dead ends than creating the mirage of a stepladder to the ultimate bin Laden slapdown. I felt sick, angry, exhausted and thrilled at different points. And once it was over, I was left a little empty, staggered by the artistry and sad that it was over. I was all too aware that something spectacular had just washed over me and was now gone.
Starring Jessica Chastain, Jason Clarke, Kyle Chandler and Joel Edgerton. Written by Mark Boal. Directed by Kathryn Bigelow. Rated R. 157 minutes.
The pounding headache of a film is nowhere close to a flag-waving tale of patriotic conquest you might have expected. Instead it's a blind, bloody manhunt that gawks unflinchingly at the murky morality of black ops, sick and bizarre interrogation routines and inspid backroom meetings that amount to throwing darts at a board to flail for success, collatoral damage of innocent lives be damned. Like Bigelow's similarly dark The Hurt Locker, the film is less interested in action than the angst that accompanies inaction.
That is, until it throws up its hands and becomes an action movie at the climax. Once it's time, Bigelow dispenses with the character study and philosophizing and transforms into a video game. The mesmerizing raid of the infamous Pakistani stronghold explodes in a dizzy whirlwind of justified, exuberant bloodlust.
But it's a final scene, involving Jessica Chastain is Maya, an American agent who tracks down Osama bin Laden with a Javert-like obsession, that sticks with you long after the credits roll.
Chastain, who has emerged from obscurity to acting's top echelons in the span of 24 months, seems willing to bleed for the movie's success. Her heart-darkened journey from eager, idealistic junior agent to hardened interrogator and finally to calculating tactician echoes the American culture's metamorphosis along the winding, decade-long labyrinth to catch and dispatch its bearded bogeyman. Having dedicated her existence to the job at the expense of her humanity, Maya hurts until she can no longer recognize the emotion, or any feeling whatsoever. She's maybe a more grounded version of the Claire Danes character in Homeland.
Other than Chastain's soul-baring performance, what I most respected about the film was its general indifference to telling a traditional story. Bigelow is more interested in leading toward pitfalls and dead ends than creating the mirage of a stepladder to the ultimate bin Laden slapdown. I felt sick, angry, exhausted and thrilled at different points. And once it was over, I was left a little empty, staggered by the artistry and sad that it was over. I was all too aware that something spectacular had just washed over me and was now gone.
Starring Jessica Chastain, Jason Clarke, Kyle Chandler and Joel Edgerton. Written by Mark Boal. Directed by Kathryn Bigelow. Rated R. 157 minutes.
Dec. 18 and Dec. 21 DVD/Blu-ray releases
Arbitrage
Due out Friday, the fast-paced thriller tracks the efforts of a pompous but clever one-percenter (Richard Gere) whose world is being torn apart by multiple forces, including federal fraud investigators and the accidental death of his mistress. His bitter, distant wife (Susan Sarandon) engages in a parallel struggle, and his daughter and heiress apparent (Brit Marling) tries to keep the facade patched together. Riveting from the first scene to the last, the movie works excellently as a showcase for Gere's talents. Extras on the disc include commentary from writer/director Nicholas Jarecki, deleted scenes with optional commentary and a pair of featurettes that focus on Gere's character and the making of the movie.
Californication: Season 5
David Duchovny stars in his wry, cynical anti-romantic comedy, playing a sex-addicted celebrity author who can't keep out of his own way as he scrambles to keep his family life and career afloat while he tumbles into new territory as an action flick screenwriter. The series has seen better days, and hits something of a repetitive slump in its fifth outing. Occasionally the show recaptures some of its old punch, but it generally seems to be buckling under its own weight. Extras in the series, which oddly is still DVD-only and has still yet to come out on Blu-ray, are limited to episodes of other Showtime shows.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
By far my favorite of the three-film series, adapted from the series of Jeff Kinney novels, this chapter follows its hapless middle schooler protagonist (Zachary Gordon) through a summer of embarrassingly epic fail that could lead to his dad (Steve Zahn) shipping him off to military school. The kid masquerades as a country club worker to try to win the heart of his crush, pals around with his tubby best friend and tells slews of white lies that get him into Curb Your Enthusiasm-type trouble. Witty writing and game performances keep things lively. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo includes direcotr commentary, deleted scenes, a gag reel and some background featurettes.
Killer Joe
Due out Friday, this thriller is a blistering return to form for director William Friedkin (The Exorcist, The French Connection). An unhinged Matthew McConaughey plays a Dallas lawman who operates as an assassin-for-hire on the side. He takes a contract from a family living in a trailer park with Double Indemnity-like delusions of quick wealth once a family member is knocked off. The clan bursts with personality, with a doddering dad (Thomas Haden Church), his impulsive, reckless son (Emile Hirsch), shifty-eyed mother figure (Gina Gershon) and dim, sheltered daughter (Juno Temple). A wily script, smoldering suspense and slick dialogue keep the drama lively. Extras include a look at the adaptation from the stage play, a cast Q&A from South By Southwest and Friedkin's commentary.
Liberal Arts
Director/writer/star Josh Radnor, Ted from TV's How I Met Your Mother, makes another quiet, introspective stunner to follow up his debut, Happythankyoumoreplease. He plays a New York college admissions adviser who, while returning to his Ohio alma mater to see off a favorite professor (Richard Jenkins), falls for a mature-beyond-her-years student (Elizabeth Olsen). The complicated relationship sends him running blind through an ethical and emotional minefield. What seems to be a rote, predictable plot veers off on wildly unexpected directions. Radnor's script also gives him and his co-star magnificent chances to work up intensity and bridled passion. Deleted scenes are the lone extras.
The Life and Times of Tim: Season 3
The Office Space-like HBO animated comedy continues to lap up deadpan laughs in its third outing, placing its hapless, meek title character (voiced by series creator Steve Dildarian) into a neverending vortex of humiliation. Tim handles endless abuse in the office, from so-called friends and in what passes for a love life. Mary Jane Otto and Nick Kroll turn in excellent voice work, contributing to the show's impeccable sense of comic timing. The set has no significant extras.
Pitch Perfect
Taking a Glee-like concept and resetting it for the college scene, the musical comedy follows the trail of a socially awkward, all-female singing crew that tries to pull together and croon its way to glory. Anna Kendrick shows remarkable singing talent as a student who reluctantly joins the squad, clashing with its prissy inner circle (Anna Camp and Brittany Snow). Taking the edge off is a boistrous teammate played by Rebel Wilson, who shows a Melissa McCarthy-like ability to steal scenes. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo hums with deleted and extended scenes, alternate takes and making-of footage.
Premium Rush
Due out Friday, this comedy-leavened action flick somehow manages to make the spandex-clad world of NYC bike couriers seem as intense as a Bond movie. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a daredevil messenger who's disconnected his brakes, weaves in and out of traffic and jousts with bike cops and motorists alike while unleashing a bevy of insane stunts. Michael Shannon plays an NYPD thug who's after JGL's package and Dania Ramirez plays a courier colleague who tries to wheel his way into the hero's heart. Intense action never lets its foot off the pedals. A pair of making-of featurettes make up the extras in the Blu-ray/digital copy combo.
Red Hook Summer
Due out Friday, Spike Lee's quiet, understated coming-of-age drama follows a sullen boy (Jules Brown) who bristles as he stays with his bombastic preacher grandfather (Clark Peters), who struggles to keep his flock interested in his message while guarding a heinous secret from his past. Avoiding stars in favor of up-and-coming or little recognized actors, Lee uses the blank slate to flex his muscles as a storyteller, resulting ina gritty and charming drama that reflects his earlier work. Lee's commentary and a making-of featurette highlight the extras.
Resident Evil: Retribution
Due out Friday, the dopey video game adaptation series continues to chug along, providing consistently invigorating action that covers up a threadbare plot and nonsensical dialogue. Taking things way too seriously as always, Milla Jovovich reprises her role as a dual-wielding zombie/mutant decapitator. Old pal Michelle Rodriguez is back in action; one of several former stars in the series who have been killed off only to make a head-scratching return. Reasonably decent CGI effects help keep the wild silliness somehwat feasible. The Blu-ray/digital copy combo is loaded with featurettes. Deleted and extended scenes are also there.
Shameless: Season 2
The under-the-radar Showtime gem, a comedy about a poor, trashy family trying to get by in Chicago's South Side. William H. Macy plays the alcoholic, chronically irresponsible patriarch, and Emmy Rossum is the early-20s firebrand who picks up much of his slack in keeping her five younger siblings in line. Pitch-perfect performances, insightful writing and frequent guest star Amy Smart, who plays a questionable influence on Rossum's character, keep the series unpredictable, helping the show grow stronger in its second season. Deleted scenes, a featurette on Rossum's character and actor interviews make up the extras on the Blu-ray/digital copy combo.
Trouble with the Curve
Due out Friday, Clint Eastwood's baseball drama sinks with as much of a head-scratching thud as his speech to the empty chair at the Republican National Convention. He plays a world-weary Atlanta Braves scout who is going blind and being shoved out the door by upper management. His old pal (John Goodman) gets him one last chance to prove himself on a North Carolina road trip, and insists his semi-estranged lawyer daughter (Amy Adams) tag along. Justin Timberlake pops up as a fellow scout, and Adams' convenient romantic interest, and he and the rest of the cast are left to trudge through the pticher's mound of cliches that make up the script. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo is light on extras, with only a pair of light featurettes on its basepaths.
Total Recall
Colin Farrell and Jessica Biel star in this remake of the 1991 sci-fi mind-bender. Farrell's character is a factory worker whose visit to a memory-altering facility sends him off on a series of wild life-and-death adventures. Like him, we're left guessing as to whether what's going on is fantasy or reality. Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) casts a shadow over the proceedings as a domineering villain. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo pack comes with an extended director's cut, a gag reel and a slew of making-of featurettes. A nice bonus for PlayStation 3 owners is the inclusion of the God of War: Ascension demo.
Dec. 14 and Dec. 18 DVD/Blu-ray releases
Arbitrage
Due out Friday, the fast-paced thriller tracks the efforts of a pompous but clever one-percenter (Richard Gere) whose world is being torn apart by multiple forces, including federal fraud investigators and the accidental death of his mistress. His bitter, distant wife (Susan Sarandon) engages in a parallel struggle, and his daughter and heiress apparent (Brit Marling) tries to keep the facade patched together. Riveting from the first scene to the last, the movie works excellently as a showcase for Gere's talents. Extras on the disc include commentary from writer/director Nicholas Jarecki, deleted scenes with optional commentary and a pair of featurettes that focus on Gere's character and the making of the movie.
Californication: Season 5
David Duchovny stars in his wry, cynical anti-romantic comedy, playing a sex-addicted celebrity author who can't keep out of his own way as he scrambles to keep his family life and career afloat while he tumbles into new territory as an action flick screenwriter. The series has seen better days, and hits something of a repetitive slump in its fifth outing. Occasionally the show recaptures some of its old punch, but it generally seems to be buckling under its own weight. Extras in the series, which oddly is still DVD-only and has still yet to come out on Blu-ray, are limited to episodes of other Showtime shows.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
By far my favorite of the three-film series, adapted from the series of Jeff Kinney novels, this chapter follows its hapless middle schooler protagonist (Zachary Gordon) through a summer of embarrassingly epic fail that could lead to his dad (Steve Zahn) shipping him off to military school. The kid masquerades as a country club worker to try to win the heart of his crush, pals around with his tubby best friend and tells slews of white lies that get him into Curb Your Enthusiasm-type trouble. Witty writing and game performances keep things lively. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo includes direcotr commentary, deleted scenes, a gag reel and some background featurettes.
Killer Joe
Due out Friday, this thriller is a blistering return to form for director William Friedkin (The Exorcist, The French Connection). An unhinged Matthew McConaughey plays a Dallas lawman who operates as an assassin-for-hire on the side. He takes a contract from a family living in a trailer park with Double Indemnity-like delusions of quick wealth once a family member is knocked off. The clan bursts with personality, with a doddering dad (Thomas Haden Church), his impulsive, reckless son (Emile Hirsch), shifty-eyed mother figure (Gina Gershon) and dim, sheltered daughter (Juno Temple). A wily script, smoldering suspense and slick dialogue keep the drama lively. Extras include a look at the adaptation from the stage play, a cast Q&A from South By Southwest and Friedkin's commentary.
Liberal Arts
Director/writer/star Josh Radnor, Ted from TV's How I Met Your Mother, makes another quiet, introspective stunner to follow up his debut, Happythankyoumoreplease. He plays a New York college admissions adviser who, while returning to his Ohio alma mater to see off a favorite professor (Richard Jenkins), falls for a mature-beyond-her-years student (Elizabeth Olsen). The complicated relationship sends him running blind through an ethical and emotional minefield. What seems to be a rote, predictable plot veers off on wildly unexpected directions. Radnor's script also gives him and his co-star magnificent chances to work up intensity and bridled passion. Deleted scenes are the lone extras.
The Life and Times of Tim: Season 3
The Office Space-like HBO animated comedy continues to lap up deadpan laughs in its third outing, placing its hapless, meek title character (voiced by series creator Steve Dildarian) into a neverending vortex of humiliation. Tim handles endless abuse in the office, from so-called friends and in what passes for a love life. Mary Jane Otto and Nick Kroll turn in excellent voice work, contributing to the show's impeccable sense of comic timing. The set has no significant extras.
Pitch Perfect
Taking a Glee-like concept and resetting it for the college scene, the musical comedy follows the trail of a socially awkward, all-female singing crew that tries to pull together and croon its way to glory. Anna Kendrick shows remarkable singing talent as a student who reluctantly joins the squad, clashing with its prissy inner circle (Anna Camp and Brittany Snow). Taking the edge off is a boistrous teammate played by Rebel Wilson, who shows a Melissa McCarthy-like ability to steal scenes. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo hums with deleted and extended scenes, alternate takes and making-of footage.
Premium Rush
Due out Friday, this comedy-leavened action flick somehow manages to make the spandex-clad world of NYC bike couriers seem as intense as a Bond movie. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a daredevil messenger who's disconnected his brakes, weaves in and out of traffic and jousts with bike cops and motorists alike while unleashing a bevy of insane stunts. Michael Shannon plays an NYPD thug who's after JGL's package and Dania Ramirez plays a courier colleague who tries to wheel his way into the hero's heart. Intense action never lets its foot off the pedals. A pair of making-of featurettes make up the extras in the Blu-ray/digital copy combo.
Red Hook Summer
Due out Friday, Spike Lee's quiet, understated coming-of-age drama follows a sullen boy (Jules Brown) who bristles as he stays with his bombastic preacher grandfather (Clark Peters), who struggles to keep his flock interested in his message while guarding a heinous secret from his past. Avoiding stars in favor of up-and-coming or little recognized actors, Lee uses the blank slate to flex his muscles as a storyteller, resulting ina gritty and charming drama that reflects his earlier work. Lee's commentary and a making-of featurette highlight the extras.
Resident Evil: Retribution
Due out Friday, the dopey video game adaptation series continues to chug along, providing consistently invigorating action that covers up a threadbare plot and nonsensical dialogue. Taking things way too seriously as always, Milla Jovovich reprises her role as a dual-wielding zombie/mutant decapitator. Old pal Michelle Rodriguez is back in action; one of several former stars in the series who have been killed off only to make a head-scratching return. Reasonably decent CGI effects help keep the wild silliness somehwat feasible. The Blu-ray/digital copy combo is loaded with featurettes. Deleted and extended scenes are also there.
Shameless: Season 2
The under-the-radar Showtime gem, a comedy about a poor, trashy family trying to get by in Chicago's South Side. William H. Macy plays the alcoholic, chronically irresponsible patriarch, and Emmy Rossum is the early-20s firebrand who picks up much of his slack in keeping her five younger siblings in line. Pitch-perfect performances, insightful writing and frequent guest star Amy Smart, who plays a questionable influence on Rossum's character, keep the series unpredictable, helping the show grow stronger in its second season. Deleted scenes, a featurette on Rossum's character and actor interviews make up the extras on the Blu-ray/digital copy combo.
Trouble with the Curve
Due out Friday, Clint Eastwood's baseball drama sinks with as much of a head-scratching thud as his speech to the empty chair at the Republican National Convention. He plays a world-weary Atlanta Braves scout who is going blind and being shoved out the door by upper management. His old pal (John Goodman) gets him one last chance to prove himself on a North Carolina road trip, and insists his semi-estranged lawyer daughter (Amy Adams) tag along. Justin Timberlake pops up as a fellow scout, and Adams' convenient romantic interest, and he and the rest of the cast are left to trudge through the pticher's mound of cliches that make up the script. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo is light on extras, with only a pair of light featurettes on its basepaths.
Total Recall
Colin Farrell and Jessica Biel star in this remake of the 1991 sci-fi mind-bender. Farrell's character is a factory worker whose visit to a memory-altering facility sends him off on a series of wild life-and-death adventures. Like him, we're left guessing as to whether what's going on is fantasy or reality. Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) casts a shadow over the proceedings as a domineering villain. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo pack comes with an extended director's cut, a gag reel and a slew of making-of featurettes. A nice bonus for PlayStation 3 owners is the inclusion of the God of War: Ascension demo.
December 10, 2012
Dec. 11 Blu-ray/DVD releases
The Bourne Legacy
If you can get past the distinct feeling that this is the Bourne B-team at work — Matt Damon and director Paul Greengrass are nowhere to be found — you'll probably be able to enjoy this frenetic spy thriller for the guilty-pleasure romp that it is. Jeremy Renner takes over as Aaron Cross, a genetically enhanced superspy who government bad guys (led by a shot caller played by Edward Norton) want to wipe out in order to erase proof that the program that created him existed. An Army of one, Bourne out-maneuvers entire squads and weapons of mass destruction as he seeks to survive and help out a scientist (Rachel Weisz) who comes to his aid. Director Tony Gilroy keeps things moving, but his film doesn't do much to prove that the series hasn't gone stale. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo includes featurettes that spotlight the locations used during shooting, the Cross character and a scene in which he fights a wolf.
Girls: Season 1
Actress/writer/filmmaker Lena Dunham's scorchingly irreverent take on trying to get by in your 20s while living in the Brooklyn fishbowl is a fresh bright spot for HBO. Collaborator Judd Apatow lends his comic and emotional touches, telling deeply personal coming-of-age sagas that fascinatingly play out throughout the season. The show's sense of authenticity is a anecdote to the more fantasy-world stylings of Sex and the City. The Blu-ray set includes digital copies of every episode, interviews with Apatow, Dunham and the other cast members, commentaries and table readings.
Ice Age: Continental Drift
Much like Madagascar, this animated talking animal series with a star-studded voice cast seems to be just coasting along, all too willing to recycle past plotlines and jokes, hoping families aren't offended enough to stop showing up. Ray Romano, John Leguizamo, Denis Leary, Queen Latifah and Seann William Scott do what they can to redeem the stale tale, thanks to the energy and chemistry they share. They could have used a better script, though. This adventure sees the prehistoric animals take to the seas, where they tangle with pirates as they try to reconnect with friends. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo includes sing-alongs, a pair of deleted scenes, several featurettes and music videos.
Ted Family Guy maestro Seth MacFarlane breathes adorable/creepy life into the title character, a walking, talking plush teddy bear who is best pals with a manchild (Mark Wahlberg) who is torn between the toy and his girlfriend (Mila Kunis). Much like MacFarlane's animated fare — he also directed this — the movie is ludicrously funny much of the time, while occasionally too bizarre and nonsensical for its own good. Wahlberg does an admirable job of setting Ted up and staying out of his way to let him lap up the chuckles. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy includes alternate takes, a gag reel, an unrated version of the movie and a commentary track with MacFarlane, co-writer Alec Sulkin and Wahlberg.
December 4, 2012
Dec. 4 Blu-ray/DVD releases
Beasts of the Southern Wild — Director Benh Zeitlin belts out a harrowing tale of extreme poverty and parental neglet in the Deep South. Quvenzhane Wallis plays a 6-year-old girl who is pretty much forced to care for herself in her isolated bayou community. Her ather (Dwight Henry) is ailing and pops in and out of her life with increasing rarity. The girl goes off on a journey to find help, confronting the outside world, and in a touch of magical realism, confronts mythical creatures. A fascinating peek into a hidden world that flourishes in the cracks of society, the film's emotionally devastating moments stick with you. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo features audition footage, deleted scenes with Zeitlin's commentary and a making-of featurette
The Dark Knight Rises — Director Christopher Nolan wraps up his Batman trilogy with a thud, coming up with a never-ending slog with an unintelligible masked villain (Tom Hardy) and a Batman (Christian Bale) who's not all that interested in being Batman anymore. Board meetings, prison pep talks and silly romantic interest Catwoman (Anne Hathaway) join the crazy train, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt pops up as a determined cop who quickly becomes Batman's best bud. A convoluted mess that fails to replicate the insight and depth of Batman Begins or The Dark Knight, this movie is hailed by many as not only one of the greatest movies of the year, but of all time. I attribute the love as misplaced affection for the first two movies in the series. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo includes a slate of extras far more thrilling than the movie, including 17 making-of featurettes, and heartfelt documentaries about Nolan's efforts to close out the trilogy and the evolution of the Batmobile.
Eastbound and Down: Season 3 — An unhinged Danny McBride wraps up his career as burned-out former baseball star Kenny Powers, who inches closer to his Major League comeback while toiling in the minors. The HBO comedy pokes fun at redneck stereotypes, allowing McBride to romp as a ludicrous caricature. Steve Little, as Kenny's hapless doormat of a sidekick, is an apt complement to Kenny's unearned bombast. Extras in the set include deleted scenes, outtakes and commentaries on each episode.
Finding Nemo Blu-ray — Outside of the Toy Story movies, Pixar's 2003 undersea adventure has proven to be the pinnacle of what the groundbreaking studio can accomplish. The adorable little clownfish finally wriggles his way into HD, and the animation takes on a stunning look that makes the movie well worth watching again, even if you're seeing it for the 400th time and your kids know every line. Albert Brooks delivers one of his best performances as Nemo's dad, who is determined to find his lost son, and Ellen DeGeneres plays fantastically off of him as his flighty sidekick, Dory. The Blu-ray/DVD combo overflows with extras, including deleted scenes, filmmaker interviews, the short film Knick Knack.
Hope Springs — This story of a spoiled marriage is pretty much the polar opposite of The Notebook. An elderly couple (Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones) who have long since given up on romance decide to shake things up by attending a marital counseling retreat. Steve Carell sheds his wacky typecast to play their calm, measured therapist, who serves as a referee to the couple's emotional outbursts. The reason the story hits so hard emotionally is the chemistry between Streep and Jones, who seem to palpably resent each other while still harboring a flash of attraction. Filmmaker commentary, a gag reel and a closer look at the performances of the two leads highlight the Blu-ray/digital copy combo.
The Odd Life of Timothy Green — The dull, uninspired family drama stars Jennifer Garner and Joel Edgerton as a couple whose wish to become parents comes true in the form of Timothy (CJ Adams), a boy who sprouts up overnight in their backyard garden. Seriously. The sudden new addition to their family causes all sorts of uninteresting problems, and director Peter Hedges' film deals with them in painfully boring ways. The Blu-ray/DVD combo includes Hedges'c ommentary, a making-of documentary and a look at Glen Hansard's creative process behind the making of his end credits song.
The Simpsons: Season 15 — I've come to like Fox's routine of releasing The Simpsons seasons on Blu-ray nearly a decade after the shows air. It avoids franchise fatigue for an impossibly long-running show and gives viewers a chance to go back and give fresh viewings to episodes to see how they've held up over time. The 2003-2004 season had a bunch of episodes that remain funny with age, including My Big Fat Geek Wedding, Smart and Smarter and Today I am a Clown. Each episode gets a commentary track, and there are also deleted scenes and sketch galleries.
Step Up Revolution — My favorite entry so far in the underappreciated series shifts the setting to Miami, where a flash mob headed up by resort waiters tries to win a YouTube contest while halting the plans of a mean 'ol land developer. The no-name cast was obviously chosen for its dancing ability rather than acting proclivity, but that's OK because the dopey plot is just an excuse to thread together the dance numbers, each one more insane than the last. Example: One show-stopper ends with dancer-welders having spontaneously constructed a giant robot statue outside a business plaza. The movie is a delicious flavor of crazy that I couldn't get enough of. The Blu-ray/digital copy combo includes deleted scenes, choreography breakdowns, music videos and spotlights on the cast.
November 27, 2012
Nov. 27 Blu-ray/DVD releases:Men in Black 3, Lawless, ParaNorman
Lawless — The Prohibition-era thriller, based on real lives of the moonshine-running Bondurant clan, casts Shia LaBeouf, Tom Hardy and Jason Clarke as brothers who try to throw their weight around, facing off with a corrupt lawman (Guy Pearce). Gary Oldman burns up the screen as a controlling thug, Jessica Chastain is a dancer who gets mixed up with the brothers, and Mia Wasikowska checks in as a preacher's daughter whom LaBeouf's character is sweet on. An engaging thriller from wire to wire, the movie is a step in the right direction for LaBeouf, who takes a break from silly action movies to show some range. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo includes filmmaker commentary, a featurette on the real-life Bondurants and deleted scenes.
Men in Black 3 — Due out Friday, this unasked for sequel re-teams Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones as wise-cracking, alien-battling secret agent partners. As agent J, Smith time-travels back to 1969 to prevent Agent K (played by Jones in the present, and Josh Brolin back in the day) from being assassinated. Smith had been out of the game for several years, but he re-asserts his star power with authority, maintaining solid chemistry with both Brolin and Jones. The special effects are more silly than convincing, but they work for an action comedy. The high-end set includes 3D and 2D Blu-ray versions of the movie, as well as the DVD and digital copies. Extras peek into the effects, a gag reel and loads of making-of featurettes that look at the 1969 sets and break down some of the more memorable scenes.
ParaNorman — In one of the better animated movies released this year, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Anna Kendrick, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Leslie Mann, John Goodman and Casey Affleck lend their voices to a gothic tale about a sad boy with a The Sixth Sense-like ability to speak to ghosts. He comes of age after he discovers a secret behind a witch's curse and rounds up some kids to save the town. Although the story lacks imagination, the visuals and atmosphere are refreshingly morbid, reminiscent of Coraline. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo includes filmmaker commentary, as well as several featurettes that take you through the animation process.
Sparkle — Due out Friday, the drama stars Jordin Sparks in a remake of a 1976 film about a Supremes-like group who rise to fame in the 1960s. In her final role before her untimely passing, Whitney Houston plays a mother who disapproves of her daughter's choice of career. The melodrama is paint-by-numbers, but Sparks shines in her many show-stopping musical numbers. CeeLo Green and Derek Luke make solid impressions in supporting roles. The Blu-ray/digital copy combo includes filmmaker commentary, a tribute to Houston and a making-of featurette.
Transformers Prime: Season 2 — The re-imagining of the 1980s-spawned vehicle-robot warriors saga is sharper, more coherent and just flat-out better than any other take on the material, including any of the Michael Bay films. In season two, the Autobots and Decepticons stumble onto some previously unknown facts about the destroyed planet they used to share, learning it might be possible to bring it back to life. The set includes all 26 episodes, a San Diego Comic-Con panel, as well as interviews with the show's creative staff.
Nov. 27 Blu-ray/DVD releases:Men in Black 3, Lawless, ParaNorman
Lawless — The Prohibition-era thriller, based on real lives of the moonshine-running Bondurant clan, casts Shia LaBeouf, Tom Hardy and Jason Clarke as brothers who try to throw their weight around, facing off with a corrupt lawman (Guy Pearce). Gary Oldman burns up the screen as a controlling thug, Jessica Chastain is a dancer who gets mixed up with the brothers, and Mia Wasikowska checks in as a preacher's daughter whom LaBeouf's character is sweet on. An engaging thriller from wire to wire, the movie is a step in the right direction for LaBeouf, who takes a break from silly action movies to show some range. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo includes filmmaker commentary, a featurette on the real-life Bondurants and deleted scenes.
Men in Black 3 — Due out Friday, this unasked for sequel re-teams Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones as wise-cracking, alien-battling secret agent partners. As agent J, Smith time-travels back to 1969 to prevent Agent K (played by Jones in the present, and Josh Brolin back in the day) from being assassinated. Smith had been out of the game for several years, but he re-asserts his star power with authority, maintaining solid chemistry with both Brolin and Jones. The special effects are more silly than convincing, but they work for an action comedy. The high-end set includes 3D and 2D Blu-ray versions of the movie, as well as the DVD and digital copies. Extras peek into the effects, a gag reel and loads of making-of featurettes that look at the 1969 sets and break down some of the more memorable scenes.
ParaNorman — In one of the better animated movies released this year, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Anna Kendrick, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Leslie Mann, John Goodman and Casey Affleck lend their voices to a gothic tale about a sad boy with a The Sixth Sense-like ability to speak to ghosts. He comes of age after he discovers a secret behind a witch's curse and rounds up some kids to save the town. Although the story lacks imagination, the visuals and atmosphere are refreshingly morbid, reminiscent of Coraline. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo includes filmmaker commentary, as well as several featurettes that take you through the animation process.
Sparkle — Due out Friday, the drama stars Jordin Sparks in a remake of a 1976 film about a Supremes-like group who rise to fame in the 1960s. In her final role before her untimely passing, Whitney Houston plays a mother who disapproves of her daughter's choice of career. The melodrama is paint-by-numbers, but Sparks shines in her many show-stopping musical numbers. CeeLo Green and Derek Luke make solid impressions in supporting roles. The Blu-ray/digital copy combo includes filmmaker commentary, a tribute to Houston and a making-of featurette.
Transformers Prime: Season 2 — The re-imagining of the 1980s-spawned vehicle-robot warriors saga is sharper, more coherent and just flat-out better than any other take on the material, including any of the Michael Bay films. In season two, the Autobots and Decepticons stumble onto some previously unknown facts about the destroyed planet they used to share, learning it might be possible to bring it back to life. The set includes all 26 episodes, a San Diego Comic-Con panel, as well as interviews with the show's creative staff.
November 19, 2012
Review: Red Dawn
If you doubt North Korea could ever generate the firepower to assault the United States, the Red Dawn remake will put those fears to rest instantly. The movie explains exactly how the North Koreans would get it done:
Step one: Wait until the U.S. sends all its troops away to foreign wars, leaving the homeland vulnerable.
Step two: Blast the entire country with The Matrix Revolutions-like EMPs, knocking out the power while maintaining communications with magical Game Boy Advances.
Step three: Borrow heavy weaponry from Russians, who are still secretly Soviets who want to take us over just as badly as they did in the Reagan era, but are waiting for just the right moment to ride the coattails of a crazy dictatorship.
Step four: Have nothing whatsoever to do with China, your communist superpower ally who have been cleanly erased from the movie, despite having served as the villains in the original version, which was supposed to come out in 2010, before the powers that be thought twice about offending a country that we borrow so much money from and lords such a hefty trade deficit over us.
The North Koreans' plan covers all contingencies but one -- that a ragtag squad of high schoolers and their siblings might scurry into the woods, setting up a guerrilla resistance that will undermine the occupation from within, providing a shining light for the rest of the country to follow via a ham radio program.
Chris Hemsworth leads the way as Jed, a soldier who is back in town apparently using the G.I. bill to work on a degree on alcoholism. When he's sleeping one off, he wakes up to a dawn... A RED dawn. Parachuting North Korean troops fire madly at innocents, roll through the streets with tanks and herd timid surrender monkeys into work camps. Worse still, the North Koreans drop bombs that make American toy soldiers' on boys' shelves topple over. This, kids, is what the pros refer to as "symbolism."
Not having any of that, Jed gathers up his brother (Josh Peck), a hotshot high school quarterback who plays by his own rules, and assorted hangers-on and hightails it to the family cabin, where they will plan their resistance. He coaches his charges in the ways of Rambo-like special operatives through that most effective method of training -- the montage.
Once the kids are all montaged up, they're unstoppable forces of patriotism. They blow up transport vehicles, pop out of little holes in the ground to shoot up bad guys, level entire buildings and spray-paint "Wolverines" -- the name of the local high school football team -- on building walls. The North Koreans have the payback coming, being that they're cruel enough to park their tanks on the Wolverines' football field.
The movie works as a silly parade of ridiculous but fascinating action sequences, but flops as political fiction or coherent melodrama. The dialogue is hackneyed and the performances are Power Rangers-esque, and the script hews too close to the dramatic turns of the original, without managing to tap into a nerve that matches the Cold War paranoia the first movie fed off of.
The North Koreans are clownish parodies of bogeymen, no more threatening than Scooby-Doo villains. There's never a fear that they will succeed in their idiotic mission, because they're so incompetent and comically incompetent. At least they've got big guns, even if they don't know how to use them.
But still, they would have gotten away with it, if not for those darn kids.
Starring Chris Hemsworth, Adrianne Palicki, Josh Hutcherson, Josh Peck and Isabel Lucas. Written by Carl Ellsworth and Jeremy Passmore, based on the 1984 screenplay by Kevin Reynolds and John Milius, which was based on Reynolds' story. Directed by Dan Bradley. Rated PG-13. 93 minutes.
My novel, Stormin' Mormon, is available as a Kindle book for $1.
Step one: Wait until the U.S. sends all its troops away to foreign wars, leaving the homeland vulnerable.
Step two: Blast the entire country with The Matrix Revolutions-like EMPs, knocking out the power while maintaining communications with magical Game Boy Advances.
Step three: Borrow heavy weaponry from Russians, who are still secretly Soviets who want to take us over just as badly as they did in the Reagan era, but are waiting for just the right moment to ride the coattails of a crazy dictatorship.
Step four: Have nothing whatsoever to do with China, your communist superpower ally who have been cleanly erased from the movie, despite having served as the villains in the original version, which was supposed to come out in 2010, before the powers that be thought twice about offending a country that we borrow so much money from and lords such a hefty trade deficit over us.
The North Koreans' plan covers all contingencies but one -- that a ragtag squad of high schoolers and their siblings might scurry into the woods, setting up a guerrilla resistance that will undermine the occupation from within, providing a shining light for the rest of the country to follow via a ham radio program.
Chris Hemsworth leads the way as Jed, a soldier who is back in town apparently using the G.I. bill to work on a degree on alcoholism. When he's sleeping one off, he wakes up to a dawn... A RED dawn. Parachuting North Korean troops fire madly at innocents, roll through the streets with tanks and herd timid surrender monkeys into work camps. Worse still, the North Koreans drop bombs that make American toy soldiers' on boys' shelves topple over. This, kids, is what the pros refer to as "symbolism."
Not having any of that, Jed gathers up his brother (Josh Peck), a hotshot high school quarterback who plays by his own rules, and assorted hangers-on and hightails it to the family cabin, where they will plan their resistance. He coaches his charges in the ways of Rambo-like special operatives through that most effective method of training -- the montage.
Once the kids are all montaged up, they're unstoppable forces of patriotism. They blow up transport vehicles, pop out of little holes in the ground to shoot up bad guys, level entire buildings and spray-paint "Wolverines" -- the name of the local high school football team -- on building walls. The North Koreans have the payback coming, being that they're cruel enough to park their tanks on the Wolverines' football field.
The movie works as a silly parade of ridiculous but fascinating action sequences, but flops as political fiction or coherent melodrama. The dialogue is hackneyed and the performances are Power Rangers-esque, and the script hews too close to the dramatic turns of the original, without managing to tap into a nerve that matches the Cold War paranoia the first movie fed off of.
The North Koreans are clownish parodies of bogeymen, no more threatening than Scooby-Doo villains. There's never a fear that they will succeed in their idiotic mission, because they're so incompetent and comically incompetent. At least they've got big guns, even if they don't know how to use them.
But still, they would have gotten away with it, if not for those darn kids.
Starring Chris Hemsworth, Adrianne Palicki, Josh Hutcherson, Josh Peck and Isabel Lucas. Written by Carl Ellsworth and Jeremy Passmore, based on the 1984 screenplay by Kevin Reynolds and John Milius, which was based on Reynolds' story. Directed by Dan Bradley. Rated PG-13. 93 minutes.
My novel, Stormin' Mormon, is available as a Kindle book for $1.
Review: Red Dawn
If you doubt North Korea could ever generate the firepower to assault the United States, the Red Dawn remake will put those fears to rest instantly. The movie explains exactly how the North Koreans would get it done:
Step one: Wait until the U.S. sends all its troops away to foreign wars, leaving the homeland vulnerable.
Step two: Blast the entire country with The Matrix Revolutions-like EMPs, knocking out the power while maintaining communications with magical Game Boy Advances.
Step three: Borrow heavy weaponry from Russians, who are still secretly Soviets who want to take us over just as badly as they did in the Reagan era, but are waiting for just the right moment to ride the coattails of a crazy dictatorship.
Step four: Have nothing whatsoever to do with China, your communist superpower ally who have been cleanly erased from the movie, despite having served as the villains in the original version, which was supposed to come out in 2010, before the powers that be thought twice about offending a country that we borrow so much money from and lords such a hefty trade deficit over us.
The North Koreans' plan covers all contingencies but one -- that a ragtag squad of high schoolers and their siblings might scurry into the woods, setting up a guerrilla resistance that will undermine the occupation from within, providing a shining light for the rest of the country to follow via a ham radio program.
Chris Hemsworth leads the way as Jed, a soldier who is back in town apparently using the G.I. bill to work on a degree on alcoholism. When he's sleeping one off, he wakes up to a dawn... A RED dawn. Parachuting North Korean troops fire madly at innocents, roll through the streets with tanks and herd timid surrender monkeys into work camps. Worse still, the North Koreans drop bombs that make American toy soldiers' on boys' shelves topple over. This, kids, is what the pros refer to as "symbolism."
Not having any of that, Jed gathers up his brother (Josh Peck), a hotshot high school quarterback who plays by his own rules, and assorted hangers-on and hightails it to the family cabin, where they will plan their resistance. He coaches his charges in the ways of Rambo-like special operatives through that most effective method of training -- the montage.
Once the kids are all montaged up, they're unstoppable forces of patriotism. They blow up transport vehicles, pop out of little holes in the ground to shoot up bad guys, level entire buildings and spray-paint "Wolverines" -- the name of the local high school football team -- on building walls. The North Koreans have the payback coming, being that they're cruel enough to park their tanks on the Wolverines' football field.
The movie works as a silly parade of ridiculous but fascinating action sequences, but flops as political fiction or coherent melodrama. The dialogue is hackneyed and the performances are Power Rangers-esque, and the script hews too close to the dramatic turns of the original, without managing to tap into a nerve that matches the Cold War paranoia the first movie fed off of.
The North Koreans are clownish parodies of bogeymen, no more threatening than Scooby-Doo villains. There's never a fear that they will succeed in their idiotic mission, because they're so incompetent and comically incompetent. At least they've got big guns, even if they don't know how to use them.
But still, they would have gotten away with it, if not for those darn kids.
Starring Chris Hemsworth, Adrianne Palicki, Josh Hutcherson, Josh Peck and Isabel Lucas. Written by Carl Ellsworth and Jeremy Passmore, based on the 1984 screenplay by Kevin Reynolds and John Milius, which was based on Reynolds' story. Directed by Dan Bradley. Rated PG-13. 93 minutes.
My novel, Stormin' Mormon, is available as a Kindle book for $1.
Step one: Wait until the U.S. sends all its troops away to foreign wars, leaving the homeland vulnerable.
Step two: Blast the entire country with The Matrix Revolutions-like EMPs, knocking out the power while maintaining communications with magical Game Boy Advances.
Step three: Borrow heavy weaponry from Russians, who are still secretly Soviets who want to take us over just as badly as they did in the Reagan era, but are waiting for just the right moment to ride the coattails of a crazy dictatorship.
Step four: Have nothing whatsoever to do with China, your communist superpower ally who have been cleanly erased from the movie, despite having served as the villains in the original version, which was supposed to come out in 2010, before the powers that be thought twice about offending a country that we borrow so much money from and lords such a hefty trade deficit over us.
The North Koreans' plan covers all contingencies but one -- that a ragtag squad of high schoolers and their siblings might scurry into the woods, setting up a guerrilla resistance that will undermine the occupation from within, providing a shining light for the rest of the country to follow via a ham radio program.
Chris Hemsworth leads the way as Jed, a soldier who is back in town apparently using the G.I. bill to work on a degree on alcoholism. When he's sleeping one off, he wakes up to a dawn... A RED dawn. Parachuting North Korean troops fire madly at innocents, roll through the streets with tanks and herd timid surrender monkeys into work camps. Worse still, the North Koreans drop bombs that make American toy soldiers' on boys' shelves topple over. This, kids, is what the pros refer to as "symbolism."
Not having any of that, Jed gathers up his brother (Josh Peck), a hotshot high school quarterback who plays by his own rules, and assorted hangers-on and hightails it to the family cabin, where they will plan their resistance. He coaches his charges in the ways of Rambo-like special operatives through that most effective method of training -- the montage.
Once the kids are all montaged up, they're unstoppable forces of patriotism. They blow up transport vehicles, pop out of little holes in the ground to shoot up bad guys, level entire buildings and spray-paint "Wolverines" -- the name of the local high school football team -- on building walls. The North Koreans have the payback coming, being that they're cruel enough to park their tanks on the Wolverines' football field.
The movie works as a silly parade of ridiculous but fascinating action sequences, but flops as political fiction or coherent melodrama. The dialogue is hackneyed and the performances are Power Rangers-esque, and the script hews too close to the dramatic turns of the original, without managing to tap into a nerve that matches the Cold War paranoia the first movie fed off of.
The North Koreans are clownish parodies of bogeymen, no more threatening than Scooby-Doo villains. There's never a fear that they will succeed in their idiotic mission, because they're so incompetent and comically incompetent. At least they've got big guns, even if they don't know how to use them.
But still, they would have gotten away with it, if not for those darn kids.
Starring Chris Hemsworth, Adrianne Palicki, Josh Hutcherson, Josh Peck and Isabel Lucas. Written by Carl Ellsworth and Jeremy Passmore, based on the 1984 screenplay by Kevin Reynolds and John Milius, which was based on Reynolds' story. Directed by Dan Bradley. Rated PG-13. 93 minutes.
My novel, Stormin' Mormon, is available as a Kindle book for $1.
November 16, 2012
Review: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
The new Twilight movie is the opposite of the old ones. Meaning it's actually good. Sure, there are millions upon millions of people who will tell you all of the Twilight movies were not only good but so mind-blowingly awesome that they inspire the need to shriek with glee at the opening credits. But those are the people with the superhuman ability to not only endure boring, ridiculous things, but somehow appreciate the qualities that are hidden to nonbelievers.
This is the Twilight that bridges the two camps, which is as impressive a feat as getting Romney voters to affix I Heart Obamacare bumperstickers to their pick-up trucks, or Red Sox fans to wear pinstripes.
Director Bill Condon accomplishes this feat of wonder by using the cinematic technique known as Making Everything Opposite From Before.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 sprays a fire hose of sulfuric acid on all the annoyances from the first four movies. Instead of fragile courtships and unfulfilled longing between a 100-something-year-old undead demonbeast stalker and a sullen teenage girl who's all about that kind of thing, you get rock'n vampire-on-vampire sex.
Instead of a poor, put-upon werewolf boy who won't take the hint that object of his obsession is just not that into him, you get an assertive wolfman who exacts sweet revenge on the condescending couple by claiming their Miracle-Gro daughter as his to protect and, uh... I'd rather not know what else.
Instead of brooding vampires who sparkle and play baseball, you get amazing X-Men vampires -- let's call 'em X-Pires -- who shoot electricity and a lethal substance that can only be described as "death smoke' out of their palms, mind-control their friends and enemies alike and rip each other's heads off.
About those vampire heads. They're not so much ripped off as they are popped. Not unlike Legos. The movie made me long for the inevitable Lego Twilight video game, with a level entirely based on comical vampire head-popping.
You'd almost mistake this rock-em-sock-em version of Twilight for The Expendables 3 (X-Pendables 3?) if it didn't have so much Lilith Fair music, or the required narration-quotes that prove that Stephenie Meyer -- while a great storyteller -- is a supbar dialogue writer.
"Even though I was no longer human, I'd never felt more alive," or something close to that, Bella (Kristen Stewart) muses, making me realize that even though I am not hovering above a toilet, I'd never felt more of a need to puke.
But there is far more great than awful here. Starting with Bella.
Now that she's fully transformed into a vampire, Bella is free to drop her quiver, stare-at-the-ground and roll-eyes act to show some attitude. She wrestles mountain lions, leaps off mountains and emits a magic cloud-shield that can block the attack of any other X-Pire. She conjures Lilith-fair-music-backed montages of past Twilight romance scenes, as if to mock their inadequacy. Now THIS is a Bella worthy of having a vampire and werewolf fighting over.
And man, is there some great fighting in this movie. The slim story exists to put together a fang-baring rumble in the middle of a meadow, pitting good X-Pires from most ethnic group against evil, hooded Italian X-Pires. It's a 20-minute throw-down that would rival any prison riot, complete with gnashing werewolf teeth, X-Pire head popping and the very crust of the earth cracking, as if even the ground we walk on is impressed enough to unleash a broad, appreciative smile.
I wouldn't say this good Twilight is so good it makes it worth suffering through four awful ones worthwhile, but it's most rewarding to those who endured all the pain of the past four years in order to taste the sweet, sweet nectar of an X-Pire prison fight.
Finally, there is something we can all agree on: Twilight is awesome. Trust me, I'm shrieking on the inside.
Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and Ashley Greene. Written by Melissa Rosenberg, adapted from the Stephenie Meyer novel. Directed by Bill Condon. Rated PG-13. 115 minutes.
This is the Twilight that bridges the two camps, which is as impressive a feat as getting Romney voters to affix I Heart Obamacare bumperstickers to their pick-up trucks, or Red Sox fans to wear pinstripes.
Director Bill Condon accomplishes this feat of wonder by using the cinematic technique known as Making Everything Opposite From Before.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 sprays a fire hose of sulfuric acid on all the annoyances from the first four movies. Instead of fragile courtships and unfulfilled longing between a 100-something-year-old undead demonbeast stalker and a sullen teenage girl who's all about that kind of thing, you get rock'n vampire-on-vampire sex.
Instead of a poor, put-upon werewolf boy who won't take the hint that object of his obsession is just not that into him, you get an assertive wolfman who exacts sweet revenge on the condescending couple by claiming their Miracle-Gro daughter as his to protect and, uh... I'd rather not know what else.
Instead of brooding vampires who sparkle and play baseball, you get amazing X-Men vampires -- let's call 'em X-Pires -- who shoot electricity and a lethal substance that can only be described as "death smoke' out of their palms, mind-control their friends and enemies alike and rip each other's heads off.
About those vampire heads. They're not so much ripped off as they are popped. Not unlike Legos. The movie made me long for the inevitable Lego Twilight video game, with a level entirely based on comical vampire head-popping.
You'd almost mistake this rock-em-sock-em version of Twilight for The Expendables 3 (X-Pendables 3?) if it didn't have so much Lilith Fair music, or the required narration-quotes that prove that Stephenie Meyer -- while a great storyteller -- is a supbar dialogue writer.
"Even though I was no longer human, I'd never felt more alive," or something close to that, Bella (Kristen Stewart) muses, making me realize that even though I am not hovering above a toilet, I'd never felt more of a need to puke.
But there is far more great than awful here. Starting with Bella.
Now that she's fully transformed into a vampire, Bella is free to drop her quiver, stare-at-the-ground and roll-eyes act to show some attitude. She wrestles mountain lions, leaps off mountains and emits a magic cloud-shield that can block the attack of any other X-Pire. She conjures Lilith-fair-music-backed montages of past Twilight romance scenes, as if to mock their inadequacy. Now THIS is a Bella worthy of having a vampire and werewolf fighting over.
And man, is there some great fighting in this movie. The slim story exists to put together a fang-baring rumble in the middle of a meadow, pitting good X-Pires from most ethnic group against evil, hooded Italian X-Pires. It's a 20-minute throw-down that would rival any prison riot, complete with gnashing werewolf teeth, X-Pire head popping and the very crust of the earth cracking, as if even the ground we walk on is impressed enough to unleash a broad, appreciative smile.
I wouldn't say this good Twilight is so good it makes it worth suffering through four awful ones worthwhile, but it's most rewarding to those who endured all the pain of the past four years in order to taste the sweet, sweet nectar of an X-Pire prison fight.
Finally, there is something we can all agree on: Twilight is awesome. Trust me, I'm shrieking on the inside.
Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and Ashley Greene. Written by Melissa Rosenberg, adapted from the Stephenie Meyer novel. Directed by Bill Condon. Rated PG-13. 115 minutes.
