Phil Villarreal's Blog, page 144
September 30, 2013
Just Posting This
So I don't go the entire month of September neglecting my poor little blog. I want to post more on here. I've got a ton of drafts that would take me a few seconds to massage into post form. Maybe next month. Or perhaps October 2014 at the latest.
August 30, 2013
Book Review: The Three Musketeers
The Three Musketeers by Alexandre DumasMy rating: 1 of 5 stars
A dull and laborious haul, even for a piece of classic literature based on a candy bar. I did appreciate the use of the terms "lackey," "antechamber" and "What the deuce?" but other than that I had a tough time staying interested. It was almost as tough to truck through as Moby-Dick or War and Peace. I can't fathom why the franchise is so popular.
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Review: Getaway
Get. Away.
That's what I kept saying to the movie, but it wouldn't budge. It just squatted there all stupidly on its big dumb screen, mocking me by refusing to obey.
How dare this silly action flick spoil the good name of the beloved 1994 Alec Baldwin-Kim Basinger sexcapade, which itself was a remake of the 1974 Steve McQueen film. The title, much like everything in the movie, makes no sense, has no bearing on reality, and simply expressed the urge you feel as you longingly eye the portal below the exit sign.
Ethan Hawke stars as a racecar driver whose wife, like so many women, has been up and stolen by Jon Voight. Voight calls Ethan up, tells him that he totally dug Before Midnight and Snow Falling on Cedars, then commands him to steal an armored, camera'd-up car and race it around town at his whims. Do it or his wife dies.
Voight is rather firm about his demands most of the time, but occasionally allows a little freelancing, such as when Selena Gomez tries to carjack Ethan and ends up an unintended passenger on the miseryride. At first, Voight is all KILL HER ETHAN YOU CAN'T LEAVE NO WITNESSES!. But soon he realizes that a female lead for Hawke to vibe off of will help pass the time so he lets her stay.
Gomez tries her best, but she has a little problem in that she was bitten by a vampire at age 11, and thus, despite her biological age of 452, cannot be taken seriously as an adult actress. When Ethan locks Selena in his car, there's a distinct stranger danger vibe going on that's quite off-putting.
More video game than movie, the idiocy has Ethan, in the name of saving the woman he loves, murder dozens upon dozens of people via vehicular manslaughter. You shake your head as his tonka toy of a vehicle survives fiery wreck after fiery wreck, avoiding the cops and ramming through buildings and doing whatever because it's touched a Super Mario Bros. star and cannot be killed.
It's too bad, because this mess could have been sort of fun like Crank, The Transporter 1 through 17 or pretty much any Jason Statham movie that all happen to be exactly the same. All Getaway needed to be mediocre instead of awful was Jason Statham, half a script and one fewer 452-year-old creepy Disney demon spawn.
The real getaway here was the one the filmmakers pulled on the studio, having heisted giant paychecks for minimal work or thought. While I respect the earnest con, I am sad to have suffered 90 minutes of punishment at the hands of the execrable results. Gag away, I did.
Starring Ethan Hawke, Selena Gomez, Jon Voight and Rebecca Budig. Written by Gregg Maxwell Parker and Sean Finegan. Directed by Courtney Solomon. 90 minutes. Rated PG-13.
August 20, 2013
5 Stupid Things People Can Go Ahead And Stop Saying
1. "Breakfast of champions." When the expression is known better than the source is, it leads morons to utter it about eating Doritos or pizza in the morning without knowing or caring where it comes from.
2. "Your tax dollars at work." Your brain cells are not at work though.
3. "If I had a nickel." If I had a hammer every time I heard someone say that, I would likely be in jail by now.
4. "Which begs the question." This has been misused so much that its misuse has become accepted usage. Even if the saying has backed its way into the realm of grammatical correctness, it still sounds moronically pretentious.
5. "___ o'clock." Beer o'clock, sex o'clock, nap o'clock, snack o'clock. How about shut the eff up o'clock?
2. "Your tax dollars at work." Your brain cells are not at work though.
3. "If I had a nickel." If I had a hammer every time I heard someone say that, I would likely be in jail by now.
4. "Which begs the question." This has been misused so much that its misuse has become accepted usage. Even if the saying has backed its way into the realm of grammatical correctness, it still sounds moronically pretentious.
5. "___ o'clock." Beer o'clock, sex o'clock, nap o'clock, snack o'clock. How about shut the eff up o'clock?
August 7, 2013
Review: Planes
Looking like a lifeless, creativity-free cash-in on a tired franchise, Planes acts the part as well for the first hour or so. A barely-tweaked, character-for-character carbon copy of Cars, the narrative hurls itself into a bonheaded plot mechanic, then lazily skywrites its way to oblivion.
And then things get interesting.
The movie no longer sucks as it teeters into the third act. Much like Happy Feet, it ventures gleefully off to crazy town, taking on a severely dark tone. Refusing to play it safe any longer, it becomes genuinely dangerous and exciting. For the first time, it's not quite clear where things are going, and characters that seemed poorly written suddenly have some definition and edge.
There is much to hate about this movie. Far more than there is to love, in fact. But I appreciate the dangerous turn so much that the glee overtook the Dane Cook-baked misery that led up to that point. The movie works, almost in spite of itself, and though it predictably coasts toward a predictable ending, at least it manages to accomplish the task with flourish.
Still, though, I have to voice my hatred of some of the crap that came before. Ahem.
* The movie shows a televised plane race. These do not exist. How stupid.
* Just like the bizarre world of Cars, humans do not exist. They must have been all killed somehow. Cars do exist, but their only purpose is to serve as forklifts or as crowd filler in the stands.
* Dane Cook does an Owen Wilson impersonation as the main character, a crop duster who decides to compete against jet fighters and such to prove to be the fastest plane on earth. I hated everything about this character until he suddenly starts calling another pompous plane out on his BS. Then I only disliked him.
Starring the voices of Dane Cook, Stacy Keach, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss and Brad Garrett. Written by Jefrey M. Howard. Directed by Klay Hall. 92 minutes. Rated G.
And then things get interesting.
The movie no longer sucks as it teeters into the third act. Much like Happy Feet, it ventures gleefully off to crazy town, taking on a severely dark tone. Refusing to play it safe any longer, it becomes genuinely dangerous and exciting. For the first time, it's not quite clear where things are going, and characters that seemed poorly written suddenly have some definition and edge.
There is much to hate about this movie. Far more than there is to love, in fact. But I appreciate the dangerous turn so much that the glee overtook the Dane Cook-baked misery that led up to that point. The movie works, almost in spite of itself, and though it predictably coasts toward a predictable ending, at least it manages to accomplish the task with flourish.
Still, though, I have to voice my hatred of some of the crap that came before. Ahem.
* The movie shows a televised plane race. These do not exist. How stupid.
* Just like the bizarre world of Cars, humans do not exist. They must have been all killed somehow. Cars do exist, but their only purpose is to serve as forklifts or as crowd filler in the stands.
* Dane Cook does an Owen Wilson impersonation as the main character, a crop duster who decides to compete against jet fighters and such to prove to be the fastest plane on earth. I hated everything about this character until he suddenly starts calling another pompous plane out on his BS. Then I only disliked him.
Starring the voices of Dane Cook, Stacy Keach, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss and Brad Garrett. Written by Jefrey M. Howard. Directed by Klay Hall. 92 minutes. Rated G.
July 31, 2013
My Lifelong Goal Achieved
I accomplished a lifelong goal Tuesday when I discovered the name of the song at the beginning of this video, the intro to DTV, Disney Channel's 1980s response to MTV, back when MTV played music. Disney Channel was big into responding to stuff in those days, for instance creating Mousercise as a response to Jazzercise.
Anyway, that intro song was always one of my favorites, and my adoration of the tune only increased when my beloved Phoenix Suns adopted it as their pre-tip-off jingle. Nothing gets me as pumped up as that song. Not "Eye of the Tiger," not "You're the Best Around," not "We Will Rock You."
The song was an instrumental, and had no words, so I would create my own:
Get ready
Get ready
So excited that I can't hide it,
I'm coming into,
I'm sliding into,
The danger zone.
Didn't ever think that I'd find you
And now that I have we are walking on air.
Didn't even think that I'd find you
And now we are walking on air
Yes the air
Way up there
In the air
Oh the air
Yes the air
Oh the air
Oh the air
Woo!
Ahem.
I needed this song. And to get the song I needed to know what it was called. The closest I could get to owning it was to dig up YouTube videos like that one and listen to snippets of it. I scanned the comments, hoping someone entranced under a similar spell would have already have done the work for me and have been willing to share the results.
No luck.
I embedded the video on Facebook, begging anyone to give it a listen and see if they could deduce the song's title.
Crickets.
Google, as powerful as it is, failed me in my decades-long search for salvation. No matter how I searched, no one seemed to know the title of the song.
And then, by some miracle, I found my answer through Shazam, a smartphone app that listens to bits of music and identifies the songs from which they came. I'm pretty sure I'd tried to Shazam the song before, but had no luck. I indulged a fleeting hope that maybe somehow, some way, Shazam had updated its database enough to include my Moby-Dick of instrumental magic.
The first time I used Shazam, it came up empty. But I would not take no for an answer. I gave it another try. And my perseverence was rewarded. The sweet result the app yielded was that the song was "RPM" by Network Music Ensemble, and was part of the "After School Rock" album.
I was afraid that Shazam was toying with me, but sure enough, a click of the sample listen button confirmed the answer to be the truth. I joyfully handed Amazon 99 cents in exchange for my childhood appreciation that had festered into a lifelong obsession.
Then I listened to the song about 20 billion times in a row. sometimes just appreciating the song, other times humming along, and occasionally belting out my made-up lyrics along with the music. I was content.
And then Caesar wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.
July 23, 2013
My Facebook Friending Policy
If you ask me to be Facebook friends and I add you, don't think you've accomplished anything. I am cool with accepting pretty much any person, place or thing as my "friend," because I am a shameless self-promoter who is happy to spam out links to anyone willing to be bombarded by them.
Bear in mind that although I will accept you as a friend, I will most likely not like or even read your posts. Odds are I'll hide you from my news feed because I will care little to nothing about what happens in your life. Such will be our friendship.
Although I do accept all friendships, I cheerfully destroy the relationships just as easily. Those who invite me to events and to play games usually end up not only defriended, but blocked entirely. Also, people who do things in real life to annoy me also get defriended and blocked. Because what's the good of social media if not to exact passive-aggressive revenge?
One last thing. If I can tell you are a spam porn girl, I will definitely not add you. Sorry to disappoint all of you.
Bear in mind that although I will accept you as a friend, I will most likely not like or even read your posts. Odds are I'll hide you from my news feed because I will care little to nothing about what happens in your life. Such will be our friendship.
Although I do accept all friendships, I cheerfully destroy the relationships just as easily. Those who invite me to events and to play games usually end up not only defriended, but blocked entirely. Also, people who do things in real life to annoy me also get defriended and blocked. Because what's the good of social media if not to exact passive-aggressive revenge?
One last thing. If I can tell you are a spam porn girl, I will definitely not add you. Sorry to disappoint all of you.
July 22, 2013
Book Review: Gulliver's Travels
Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan SwiftMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Starts off with silly whimsy but builds toward profound, relentlessly snarky truths about the human condition. This man loves him some horses. Fascinating Divine Comedy-style social criticism.
View all my reviews
July 18, 2013
Top 5 Zombie Stories That Have Not Yet Been Told
1. The Zom Bee -- In an attempt to win the Spelling Bee, a 10-year-old boy becomes a zombie who hungers for correct spelling rather than human brains in order to achieve the single-minded dedication it takes to become a champion.
2. ZomBaby -- An undead baby wreaks adorable havoc and hijinks as he gets the zombie apocalypse off to a gurgling start and manages to hit his clueless grandpa, played by Tim Allen, in the balls every 10 minutes.
3. Downton Zombie -- A struggling but proud Victorian-era family seeks to cut costs and keep up appearances by soliciting a staff of animated corpses to serve and passive-aggressively resent them.
4. Hannah and Her Dead, Rotting Sisters -- A ripe 105 years old and still intent on playing the romantic lead in his neurotically philosophical comedies, Woody Allen discovers that the only romantic foils age-appropriate for him are those who died long ago but have come back to life.
5. OK, so I give up. There have been so many damned zombie movies, TV series, comics and books that there are only four zombie stories remaining that have yet to be told, and I have listed them all already.
2. ZomBaby -- An undead baby wreaks adorable havoc and hijinks as he gets the zombie apocalypse off to a gurgling start and manages to hit his clueless grandpa, played by Tim Allen, in the balls every 10 minutes.
3. Downton Zombie -- A struggling but proud Victorian-era family seeks to cut costs and keep up appearances by soliciting a staff of animated corpses to serve and passive-aggressively resent them.
4. Hannah and Her Dead, Rotting Sisters -- A ripe 105 years old and still intent on playing the romantic lead in his neurotically philosophical comedies, Woody Allen discovers that the only romantic foils age-appropriate for him are those who died long ago but have come back to life.
5. OK, so I give up. There have been so many damned zombie movies, TV series, comics and books that there are only four zombie stories remaining that have yet to be told, and I have listed them all already.
July 17, 2013
Top 5 Covers That Would Have Sold Even More Rolling Stones Than The Terrorist One
1. Hello Kitty. Little girls, Japanophiles and ironic hipsters would have all begged their mommies to pick up copies for them at the supermarket.
2. Your Mom. Remember back when Time Magazine named everybody on the planet its co-person of the year? Just like that, only with your mom, because everybody knows about your mom. And I mean everybody.
3. Kate Upton. It's worked for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue the last two years, so it's only a matter of time until every other magazine jumps on the trend. Scientists estimate that by 2015, all magazines will feature Kate Upton exclusively on their covers.
4. KABOOM! Just the word in bubble letters and jagged, neon bordering, 1960s Batman TV show style. That way Rolling Stone could have notified readers of its cover story, only with more class and style than a One Direction-style glamour shot of a mass killer.
5. A MAD fold-in. Because they're like two covers in one!
2. Your Mom. Remember back when Time Magazine named everybody on the planet its co-person of the year? Just like that, only with your mom, because everybody knows about your mom. And I mean everybody.
3. Kate Upton. It's worked for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue the last two years, so it's only a matter of time until every other magazine jumps on the trend. Scientists estimate that by 2015, all magazines will feature Kate Upton exclusively on their covers.
4. KABOOM! Just the word in bubble letters and jagged, neon bordering, 1960s Batman TV show style. That way Rolling Stone could have notified readers of its cover story, only with more class and style than a One Direction-style glamour shot of a mass killer.
5. A MAD fold-in. Because they're like two covers in one!
