Henry Cloud's Blog, page 10

Surprising Ways Rewards and Praise Can Harm Others

By Dr. John Townsend

We sometimes reward (through actions) and praise (through words) our spouses, employees, children, and friends in ways that can actually harm them, even though it feels good at the time because it seems so positive. But what seems positive is not always what is best. A pizza slice or two is positive — but four can cause problems. These unwise reward/praise approaches, although well intentioned, create bad fruit. Remember — these are patterns, not isolated events. Doing these things every now and then would be all right, but when they become trends, they risk fostering attitudes of entitlement.

Praising What Takes No Effort

Rewards and praise are most effective when they focus on an achievement that took time and energy. Most of the time, when praise is at its most effective, that achievement would involve a person’s character or internal makeup. To repeatedly praise a little girl for being pretty puts her in a bind. What she hears is, What gets me loved is something I can’t do much about. She also hears, My inside isn’t important, just my outside.

We all know people, especially women, who have received that sort of treatment. What happens to many of them as their bodies age over time? They become desperate to look young again, since that is the only thing that has brought them love and acceptance. How would that little girl feel if instead she heard, “You work really hard and you do a good job at school.” Now what receives the praise? Her diligence, which she can do a lot about. Although her looks will fade over time, her character will not. Her character will grow and blossom and become even more beautiful her entire life.

Praising What Is Required

Praise should be reserved for those times when someone stretches himself beyond the norm, puts extra effort or time into a task, or exceeds expectations. It’s not about doing the minimum, the expected. No one gets a party for showing up to work on time: “So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty’” (Luke 17:10).

A client of mine owned a media business. But before he went into business for himself, he’d had a harsh and uncaring boss. This boss had alienated people and ultimately ruined his company, after the rock stars and the high performers on whom he depended all left because they simply wouldn’t put up with his behavior anymore.

So my client, having seen the trouble that went with a lack of praise and reward, overcompensated. He went too far in his attempt to avoid being the kind of boss who had so wounded him. He overpaid his staff. He didn’t hold them to high standards in their work. He didn’t correct them or change their compensation when they underperformed.

His actions created a happy staff. Who wouldn’t like such an arrangement? And he truly was a nice, caring boss. But his employees didn’t pull together as a team, nor did they perform well. When I saw all this, I helped him restructure his expectations, alter the company comp package, and change the corporate culture to insist on both high performance and high relationships.

Things were rocky for a while. Staff members now considered him unfair — after all, they had known only an entitlement-producing boss. A couple of them left. But most of the staff understood that if the company was to survive, a new culture had to be put in place, one that expected performance. Those who stayed buckled down and started showing good attitudes. Because of these changes, the business started flourishing. Don’t get caught in the “praise for the minimum” trap!

Praising What Is Not Specific

“You are amazing!”

“You are just awesome!”

“You’re a great human being just because you are you.”

Well, thanks for that vague compliment. But where do I go with it? Our culture is awash in these exaggerations that have roughly the same value as an empty calorie. Both yield insignificant benefits. Our brains have buckets where information goes. Praise should go in the right bucket: the bucket of hard work, of being kind, of being honest, of being vulnerable. But the brain has no appropriate bucket for such nonspecific, excessive statements, and therefore is unable to make constructive use of them.

I once praised in this way, until I realized that I did so only because it was a shortcut. It takes little effort to speak such phrases, and I could say them to my wife or a fence post, it didn’t really matter. What requires effort is to take the time to observe and relate to a specific person about a particular praiseworthy behavior or attitude: “The homemade soup you took all day to make is amazing.” “You are awesome in how you motivate our staff to make more phone calls every day.” These statements go into the buckets that count.

Praising What Takes an Ability and Creates an Identity

We need affirmation when we try hard and achieve well. We also need to know when we have done well in our class, our staff, or our sport. That is why competition can be healthy. The message is, “You are good at what you do.” But when the message crosses the line to, “You are a better person than others because of what you do,” or “You deserve special treatment,” trouble results.

If you are a parent, the right message is, “Great job on defense in the soccer game! You worked hard with your team and your individual plays were excellent. Now go and help the coach pick up the equipment.” Top-tier executives, students, managers, and athletes all have to stand in line. Keep in mind that while your child may be better in ability, she is no better intrinsically. In the eyes of God, she is no better than anyone else, as the Lord is no respecter of persons (see Acts 10:34).

Praising What Is Not Based on Reality

One of the saddest things I see an encouraging person do is to give someone hope even though no basis exists for that hope. Buoyed by an encourager who said, “You can do anything you want to,” an individual might spend years and all of his energy in traveling down a path that is simply the wrong path for him and that inevitably leads to disappointment.

Do you enjoy the current crop of talent-based TV shows? I do; I love both the talent and the energy. But a pastor at a church I recently attended pointed out that early in each season, you see a lot of train wrecks when individuals work their hearts out trying to sing, dance, or entertain when clearly they lack the skill or talent. “Why,” he asked, “didn’t anyone love them enough, early on, to say, ‘That’s not you; let me help you discover what you’re really good at’?”

My parents never told me I could play in the NBA if I wanted to, because they knew that while I liked basketball, I didn’t have a lot of talent. I am grateful that my parents helped me put my energies into areas where I had more strengths.

A Lack of Warmth

Ironically, entitlement can occur when a person gets little praise, care, or warmth. That might surprise you, but it makes sense.

We all need to know we are loved and accepted. It’s a basic human requirement for health and functioning. But when a person has a number of cold, detached, or self-absorbed relationships, he often creates what is called a defensive grandiose identity. That is, to protect himself from the emptiness or harshness of his relational sphere, he will craft a self-perception that is entitled, self-centered, and larger than life. That helps keep the hurt and loneliness at bay.

A business client of mine was seriously alienating himself from his staff and family. He couldn’t take criticism well, had to feel (and let people know) that he had all the answers, and presented himself as smarter and better than everyone around him. He had put himself in danger of losing both his company and his family.

He and I began digging into who he was as a person. I didn’t find in his background a family that spoiled him or praised him in the wrong way. Instead, I discovered that his home life as a child had included two damaged parents who had little interest in reaching into their bright son’s internal world, understanding him, and caring for him. They functioned well in terms of providing structure and values. But because they did not offer him warmth, at his core he felt unlovable and ashamed of himself.

As we dug further, he remembered that when he went away to college, he reinvented himself. He tried out for sports, met girls, and got elected to student government. But his attitude went the wrong way. Instead of becoming grateful and caring, he came across as arrogant and superior.

This story has a happy ending. He had enough self-awareness and had felt enough pain that he was motivated to deal with the early hurts of his cold childhood and then do some productive grieving, letting go, and asking for support to replace what he had lost. Almost immediately, he saw his family and company with new eyes. He cared more for them, listened well, and willingly entered their worlds.

Defensive grandiosity is simply a shell we construct to keep negative feelings at bay. When the entitled person begins the process of growth, the shell begins to dissolve, and healthy feelings and behavior begin to form.

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Taken from The Entitlement Cure by Dr. John Townsend, now available in softcover. Learn more about this excellent resource.

Recently Dr. Townsend wrote an editorial on foxnews.com about the Ethan Crouch situation and how to prevent an “Affluenza” parenting tragedy in your own family. Read It Here

Watch Dr. Townsend’s interview on Fox & Friends as he discusses how not to raise an “Affluenza” teen:

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com

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Hope for the Single Parent: How to Overcome Your Biggest Challenges

By Dr. John Townsend

If you are a single parent, you may need to know something: you have the hardest job in the world. You have to meet all the needs of your kid, over many years, without the help of a spouse. Some of my closest friends are single parents, and my heart breaks with theirs when they encounter the rough years of parenting. Single parenting can sometimes be brutal and overwhelming. That’s why it’s important to discuss boundaries for single parents.

Many of my friends have also found the balance and resources they need, and they are experiencing success as parents. Their children and teens are doing well and are maturing at the right rate. So there is hope for you as well.

Let’s look at some of the biggest struggles single parents face and explore what you can do to meet those challenges:

Single Parent Challenge #1 – Not Enough of You

Single parents have to do the work of two parents, yet they have more limited resources than two-parent families, both in quantity and in ability. This limitation becomes more of a challenge when your kids are teenagers. They push against your authority and limits and assert their freedom in a million ways.

Parents who have a spouse can hand off their teen to the other parent when they are feeling worn out. My wife and I do this all the time. But you can’t do this as a single parent. If your teen doesn’t let up on you, you don’t get a chance to rest and regroup. This can be exhausting, and it’s easy to feel you don’t have any strength left inside to resist your kid’s resistance.

What can you do? The answer isn’t trying harder, or using your will power. Instead, realize that you don’t have what you don’t have. You will need to get from the outside what you don’t possess on the inside. You need to do this for your kid, and for yourself as well. Call a safe and sane friend and get your emotional tank filled, and then enter the ring again and resolve the issue.

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Click to Tweet: Realize that you don’t have what you don’t have. You will need to get from the outside what you don’t possess on the inside.

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It’s tempting for single parents to think, I am so tired. I just don’t have it in me to spend a lot of time talking with my kid. Besides, he’s almost an adult anyway, so he probably doesn’t even need a lot of me. While your teen is almost an adult, he still needs bonding time with you in order for him to feel safe and loved and to help him sort out the vagaries of teen life. So get some strength from others, so that you can stay attached to your teen.

Keep in mind that you may need to ask another adult, such as a mature friend, youth pastor, or counselor, to intervene. Your teen may be able to hear things from this other person that he refuses to hear from you. Regardless, get connected.

Single Parent Challenge #2 – Rescuing Your Kids From Failure

I recently asked a single mom who is a good friend of mine, “What do you think is the biggest mistake single parents make?” Without hesitating, she said, “Not allowing their kids to fail.”

My friend was talking about rescuing young kids and teens from experiencing their consequences. Parents who rescue their adolescents often do so out of guilt. They already feel bad about their kid’s situation, and often feel partially responsible that their child doesn’t have two parents in the home.

As a result, single parents often indulge their teen and don’t enforce the consequences that should come with attitude and behavior violations. They think, My teen already has a strike against her. I’ll make it up to her a little by being easy on her. However, this “solution” doesn’t solve the problem; it merely creates a second problem. Not only does the teen have to struggle with a broken home, it’s likely she will never develop any self-control. Kids from a single-parent family need limits just as much as any kid does.

Surround yourself with guilt-busters — that is, friends who will support you when your emotions tell you you’re being too mean. Cry on their shoulder, allow them to give you a reality check, and let them encourage you to love your teen and still hold the line.

I have a single-parent friend who always felt guilty whenever she grounded or took privileges away from her teens. But her kids have grown up, and they have come back to her and said, “Thanks for being strict, Mom. That’s why I can keep my own marriage and job together.”

Single Parent Challenge #3 – Parenting Differences With Your Ex

Many divorced parents differ in their parenting values. Often, a parent will notice that the child has a bad attitude or misbehaves after she has spent some time with the other parent. You can attribute some of that to the teen trying to adjust and transition between two worlds, and she needs your support and patience on that. But it may also be that your ex is not providing enough structure and consistent limits.

If this is your situation, do all you can to get your ex to agree to put your kid first and to come to an agreement on parenting values and styles. If your teen’s well-being is in jeopardy, you may even have to go the legal route for his protection.

If you see some negative effects when your teen spends time with your ex, but they aren’t serious enough for you to take legal action, then be the best parent you can be. Be balanced and integrated with love and boundaries. If your ex is a Disneyland parent, don’t be the hardnose, hoping to compensate. Your teen needs to be around someone whom she can take inside of herself, who is a picture of maturity, grace, and truth. Don’t try to get even with your ex. Get healthy.

Single Parent Challenge #4 – Asking for Help

Finally, don’t try to be strong and go it alone. Ask for help from your kid’s school, your church, and your friends. Single parents need more help, and they should get more.

God has a special place for you and your children. In Psalm 68:5, King David wrote about how much God wants to provide for kids who don’t have both parents around: “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” Ask God for help, and He will give it to you.

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Taken from Boundaries with Teens by Dr. John Townsend. In his book, you will find a lot more information for single parents, including a separate chapter dedicated to step-parenting.

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The Disease of Self-Sufficiency

My (Dr. Townsend) three-year-old son, Benny, is now firmly ensconced in the “I can do it!” stage of life. The other day we were getting ready to go out to dinner, and everybody was ready but Benny. He’d gotten all ready except for his pesky Velcro-strapped tennis shoes. They just wouldn’t cooperate.

Being the helpful father (actually, the hurried father), I bent down to fasten his shoes for him. He quickly pushed my hands away, protesting, “I’ll do it! I’ll do it!” And he meant it. So we negotiated. I put him in the car and let him put the shoes on while we were driving to the restaurant. It was win-win.

Now, Benny is in love with autonomy, task mastery, individuation, and a lot of other developmental aspects of his growth. He is working on self-sufficiency, especially in the functional, “doing” parts of life. But Benny’s self-sufficiency is a little different in the relational, “loving” areas of life. Instead of task mastery exhilaration (“Look, Ma! No hands!”), he is still dependent on attachment. He needs snuggles, holding, soothing, and comforting. He certainly disagrees a lot more, and he likes to spend more time away from his parents, but the need for connection is still there.

That need for attachment will keep changing over time, and eventually, if things work out, Benny will have enough of us inside him (literally, he’ll have “had enough of us”). Then he will get his emotional needs met by peers and finally, by his own family. But he’ll continue to grow in his functional self-sufficiency.

People who avoid relationships have problems not with functional self-sufficiency but with relational self-sufficiency. The problem with the relationally self-sufficient person is that he operates in his own relational world. He runs his emotional affairs like a one-man business. His emotional philosophy is the following:

I take care of my problems.
I don’t burden others with my problems.
I can handle my problems myself, thank you.
I’m fine, really.
No, really, I’m fine.

What’s wrong here? God doesn’t create us to be relationally self-sufficient. He loves us to need each other. Our needs teach us about love and keep us humble. True self-sufficiency is a product of the Fall.

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Click to Tweet: God doesn’t create us to be relationally self-sufficient. He loves us to need each other. Our needs teach us about love and keep us humble. True self-sufficiency is a product of the Fall.

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If you’ve got the disease of self-sufficiency, you’ve probably had it a long time. And you’ve probably described it in positive terms like responsible, independent, and grown-up. Indeed, self-sufficiency has lots of advantages, because you get to avoid all the uncontrollable problems and risks that needy people can’t get away from. Here are a few examples:

You don’t have to experience your incompleteness, which is painful.
You don’t have to go to the trouble of finding people to love you.
You don’t have to show other people the hurting, imperfect parts of yourself.
You don’t have to look anyone in the eye and say, “I need you.”
You don’t have to risk asking others to comfort and support you.
You don’t have to humbly receive what they offer, in gratitude. And you don’t have to do it again and again and again.

No wonder giving up self-sufficiency is so difficult. Life seems to have many more problems when your needs start leaking out.

What to do? If your self-sufficiency is driving you away from relationship and into isolation, begin the process of confession. Confession is telling the truth, and the truth is, you need people. The reason people say confession is good for the soul is because it brings unloved parts of our character to places of love.

Find people that understand self-sufficiency. They’ll know you can’t “feel your need” for them. But they’ll help you state your isolation, talk about the reasons you’re disconnected, and discuss how hard it is to give up your independence. As you confess this problem to safe people, a wonderful miracle happens: over time, self-sufficiency melts and gives way to need. You are then reconciled not only to God and others, but also to yourself.

Let the love God has provided begin to melt the cold, hard ice of your self-sufficiency.

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Taken from Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Learn more about this helpful book.

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Nice Guys Don’t Finish Last

I (Dr. Cloud) had a very interesting conversation recently with a leader who accomplishes a lot and is very driven and effective. I have always been a fan of his work. We were working on a project together, and he made a reference to a particular work habit of his, logging almost every thought he has about his work into a very complicated matrix in a journal, and I asked him about it. Nothing wrong with carrying a little book around and jotting down good ideas when they come. But this was much more; it was obsessive. He said, “I think it’s probably part of my anxiety disorder.”

I inquired more, and he told me that he had been managing a significant anxiety disorder for some time and had relied on a number of tricks and habits to keep it in check. As I listened, I couldn’t help being moved by how much effort it must cost and how distressing it must be for him to manage this condition. I also couldn’t help wondering how much better his life and work could be if he didn’t have to do all that. The psychologist in me had to speak up.

“So, . . . I’m just curious. You know, what you’re experiencing is treatable. Anxiety disorders are pretty fixable. You don’t have to suffer with this—really,” I said. “Why don’t you get some help for this?”

“I would,” he said, “but I am afraid to.”

“Afraid of what?” I asked.

“Afraid that I wouldn’t be as effective,” he said. “I’ve always thought that the anxiety I have about something possibly going wrong or not working is what makes me so good at what I do. I always make sure, and double make sure, everything is covered and nothing can possibly go wrong. I feel like if I weren’t anxious, I would miss a lot of things and there wouldn’t be the same results.”

“Wow!” I said. “I wonder how people without anxiety disorders ever accomplish anything.” I was joking—sort of, but not really. But he didn’t quite get it.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’d fear that I couldn’t perform at the same level if I didn’t have the anxiety.”

Incredible, I thought. Still, I’ve heard some version of this explanation many times before and in many different kinds of situations. For example, often when I give a talk about how leadership, character, emotional intelligence, and relational issues affect results, I invariably get a question like this: “You are saying that all of this relational ability is important for leadership and getting results, and being successful. But what about someone like Steve Jobs? He was very successful and known to be difficult to work with in some of these ways. How do you explain that? It seems like it’s the hard-driving, dominating behavior that gets some people where they are. It’s always the jerks that are most successful.”

Or consider an e-mail I recently received from a well-known national news commentator who in her reporting continues to run into powerful and successful people who are “not good guys,” as she put it. She’d sent me a link to an article concluding that “mean” people and “jerks” tend to be more successful than the “nice guys” in all areas of business, entertainment, and other fields. Her comment about the article was this: “This is depressing. Do you agree with this? I am starting to believe it, based on my experience.”

Both of these examples underscore the same false assumption: the myth that something dysfunctional is contributing to success. You’ve heard it too with comments like this: “He’s such a jerk, but I guess that’s how he got to where he is.” Or even: “If I were more of a shrew at work, I probably would be running this company.”

Trust me. Neither statement is true. Being a jerk, or a narcissist, or having an anxiety disorder that drives one to double-check everything—these are not the personality traits that make for great success. Remember, there are also an awful lot of unsuccessful jerks, narcissists, screamers, and people with anxiety disorders. And there are a lot of very effective, successful people who have none of those maladies.

The truth is that Steve Jobs was successful because of incredible talent, brains, vision, marketing abilities, design strengths, charm, and initiative. He was assertive, he had amazing reservoirs of creative energy, and he didn’t hesitate to push people to their limits and beyond. These are all positive attributes that made him successful.

The jerk behavior just got in the way, unless you think getting fired, losing key people and relationships, and creating sometimes toxic environments are the recipe for an iPhone. It was not the oppressive, domineering behavior that made it all work. Apple worked in spite of it and probably could have been even more outstanding without it. What if he had never gotten fired? What might the company have done if he’d been less difficult?

Mark these words: Nice guys do not finish last, and jerks do not finish first. Great performers finish first, and if they are great and good people, they do even better.

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Click to Tweet: Nice guys do not finish last, and jerks do not finish first. Great performers finish first, and if they are great and good people, they do even better

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As research confirms, the qualities that lead to great performance are only enhanced in great relationships. The opposite is also true: great performance qualities are either limited or reduced by dysfunctional relationships. On page 5 of Working Together: Why Great Partnerships Succeed (HarperCollins, 2010), former Disney CEO Michael Eisner reminisced about his longtime business partner:

“We were headed into the toughest challenge of our professional lives, together. For the next ten years, that journey would be as exciting, enjoyable, rewarding, and triumphant as either of us could have dared to hope. From our first day in the office that fall, my partnership with Frank Wells taught me what it was like to work with somebody who not only protected the organization but protected me, advised me, supported me, and did it all completely selflessly. I’d like to think I did the same for Frank, as well as the company. We grew together, learned together, and discovered together how to turn what was in retrospect a small business into indeed a very big business. We learned that one plus one adds up to a lot more than two. We learned just how rewarding working together can be.”

I love those words: protected, advised, supported, selfless, grew, learn, discover, rewarding. Your life, performance, health, well-being, and pretty much everything you value depends on the power that the other brings to the table. This is serious stuff. It’s not for jerks.

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Taken from The Power of the Other by Dr. Henry Cloud. Learn more about Dr. Cloud’s newest bestseller!

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Finding Hope for a Hopeless Marriage

I (Dr. Cloud) was once meeting with a couple who had given up hope in their relationship. I knew that they were at the end of themselves. From their perspective, divorce was the next option. At the same time, I knew that their problems were curable. I felt that we first needed to put this couple’s hopelessness on the table, so I asked, “Do either of you have any hope for this marriage?”

“No, we don’t,” they both finally admitted.

Then I said something that threw them: “Good! Now we can get to work.”

“What do you mean?” they asked, surprised.

What they did not know was that I knew they both had a deep love for God and, although they were ready and willing to forsake each other, they were not ready to forsake Him. I trusted their faith in God. I knew that if they could stop lying to themselves about wanting to change “for the other,” we could get to someone for whom they would change: God. So I told them so.

“I think that both of you are so disappointed in each other and in your relationship that you have very little hope of solving your problems for each other. In reality, there is not enough love between the two of you to hold you together. I’m glad you are facing that reality, because deep down you both know it. But I know something else about you. You both love God enough to make the changes that He wants you to make, and if you do that, I promise you that you will do very well in your relationship. Will you both commit to that kind of love? Can you both commit to doing what God is going to ask of you in this process?”

Both said that they could, but both were downhearted about it. They thought that I meant that just because God says He is against divorce, I was asking them to remain faithful to Him and just stick it out in a miserable relationship. In a sense, I was. But I knew better than that. I knew that if they could submit to the changes God would ask them to make, the marriage would get better. But since they could not believe that, they had to take it on faith.

Jesus said that the greatest commandment is to love God “with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (see Mark 12:30). Why did He place this value above all others?

Although we could point to many reasons, one in particular relates to marriage. When loving God is our orienting principle in life, we are always adjusting to what He requires from us. When things get tough in a marriage and when some change is required from us, we might not want to do it. We might feel that it is unfair that we have to change, or it might be too difficult or painful to change. At those moments, it is much easier to just please ourselves. But if we know that it’s God with whom we ultimately have to deal, we submit to this reality and His higher calling to us to grow. In the end, the relationship wins.

The “hope-less” couple and I worked hard for a while. And they learned something. She learned that at times she would want to be judgmental of her husband but God said no. She would be very angry toward her husband, but she would submit to God and give up her judgmentalism.

At times, the husband would get so angry toward his wife that he would want to snap back with sarcasm, something he was very skilled at. But he knew that someone higher was asking him to deny himself that little treat. He would submit to God and bite his tongue.

At other times, he wanted to give in to the temptation to avoid listening to her complaints about him. He hated conflict. But he learned that God wanted him to listen and not react defensively. He would submit to God and remain in the conflict long enough to work it out. Before, he would turn to his hobbies and avoid her.

She learned as well that she had a lot of bitterness and fears in her own life for which she was blaming her husband. She found out that God wanted her to take responsibility for feelings with which she had never dealt, so she submitted to God and did the work of change. She got healthier.

Just recently, about a year after the hopeless conversation mentioned above, we had an interesting session. This couple did not have anything to work on. They were doing so well they had nothing to talk about!

She was a little giddy, reminding me of a teenager. “We are just having so much fun together! It is everything that I married him for in the beginning. I never thought we would be here.”

“I can’t believe what I was missing,” he joined in. “I just love being with her. None of that other stuff—mostly work—that I used to spend all of my energy on matters very much any more. I just want to be with her and talk.”

Then we reflected on where they had been a year earlier, when it had all seemed so hopeless.

“I did not know what to do,” one of them said, “so we just trusted you when you said there was a way out. And it worked.” I clarified something for them. “It may have seemed to you that you were trusting me. But in reality you weren’t. I was telling you that I knew that God’s ways worked and that, if you could do them, your relationship would work. You made that commitment to God, and both of you followed through with the day-to-day work that He asked you to do. When God asked you to grow and change, you submitted to Him. And now you have the fruit that God promises. You might have thought that you were trusting me, but I was just representing Him. When you committed to follow Him and whatever He showed you, I knew that you would make it.”

It was a neat moment. I have no doubt that they will make it now for the rest of their lives. They now have a real love between the two of them that they did not have before. But it came as a result of “loving God.” They loved God enough to do what He asked of them, and they grew to love each other as a result. The love that they now have for each other is a fruit of loving God.

This is why loving God must be first. He empowers us to change. He tells us how to change. Most of all, God becomes the one that keeps us from being ultimately in charge. If we try to be in charge, we will do it our way, and then our own limitations become the limitations of the relationship as well. We all need someone bigger to answer to so we will make the changes we need to make. Love God first, with all of your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Lose your life to Him, and you will gain it.

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If your marriage is struggling or you want to make a great marriage even better, Boundaries in Marriage has the answers. Learn how to:

Transform your relationship into a haven of mutual love, caring, and appreciation.
Protect your marriage from intruders, whether parents, affairs, or addictions.
Handle conflict effectively without losing your voice in the relationship.
Develop a sense of closeness and respect that you’ve never felt before.

Click here to read a sample chapter, watch a free video, and purchase your copy today.

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How to Nip Relationship Problems in the Bud

“I don’t understand what happened,” Todd told me (Dr. Cloud). “It seemed that Mary and I were doing so well, and then she just came in one day and told me that she didn’t want to be with me anymore. She was very angry about a lot of things.”

“Did you have any warning?” I asked. “Did she give any signs?”

“Well, sometimes I could tell that she was sort of pouty about things. There would be things I did that she would not like, but I never thought it was a big deal. Like when I would be late, or go out with my friends without telling her. Or, sometimes, I would cancel on her to go play basketball if a good game came up. That kind of thing. But I never thought it was a big deal,” he mused.

“Sounds like it was a bigger deal than you saw,” I said.

Then I heard Mary’s side of things. It was a little different to be sure. “I got to a place where I just couldn’t stand it anymore. He was so inconsiderate,” she began. “He would just not show up for things we had planned. I asked him to let me know, but he never would. He would always have a reason like ‘The game just got put together,’ or something like that. It was never his fault, but he chose his sports over me.”

“Did you tell him?” I asked.

“I tried a few times, but he really wasn’t listening. And, it never made a difference in his behavior. He just would do pretty much what he wanted to do, and I was supposed to be fine with it.”

“Did you ever try to give him any kind of boundaries?” I asked. “Like what?” she asked me in return.“ “Like tell him that if he were not on time or did not keep the date, he could forget getting together that night, or that week. You would make some plans that you could depend on,” I asked.

“That seems really mean,” she said. “I could never do anything like that. It is too harsh.”
 I did not tell her that it seemed a lot less harsh than a sudden breakup without any warning.

The issue in Mary and Todd’s relationship is a common one. There is a person in the relationship who is probably not that bad a person. But, he (Todd in this case) or she has been allowed to get away with taking advantage of other people’s niceness and not being responsible to the relationship. Usually, there is a pattern of inconsiderateness.

In dating, this can be the inconsiderate behavior that Mary dealt with. Or, it can be physical pressure, or attitudes, or any other way that one person hurts another short of something evil.

The formula that Mary did not know is this. In relationships, you get what you tolerate. Why, we are not sure. In part it is because people who allow people to get away with things seem to attract the kind that would want to get away with less-than-considerate behavior. Another reason seems to be that whenever we do not have good limits with each other, there is a regression on the part of the person who is enabled to be less than mature.

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Click to Tweet: In relationships, you get what you tolerate.

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In any case, you can bet that for the most part, especially in the world of dating, you will get what you tolerate. And, if you are like Mary, you will get enough of it that you cannot tolerate anymore, and then you will be alone again.

We think that there is a better way. Set your limits early on. Make them clear. Enforce them and stick to them. In short, nip it—whatever the problem is—in the bud, and do not allow that weed to grow in the garden of your relationship.

If you are someone who allows yourself to be treated in a certain way in the beginning of a relationship, you are allowing certain things to get a foothold in the relationship and they will grow. There are two dangers to this. One, if the person is someone you will grow to love, you don’t want those dynamics present in the relationship at all. Second, if the person is not someone you will love, then you want to have them run into those limits and go away sooner rather than later. It is always better to “nip it in the bud.”

Set the tone early in how you expect to be treated, so that the person knows that he or she is dealing with someone who has self-respect and will not tolerate being treated poorly. This will weed out selfish people, and discipline sloppy ones. Both are good things to do.

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Get more helpful advice to build the best dating relationship and find the love of your life in Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

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The Secret Ingredients to Stellar Performance

By Dr. Henry Cloud

Jack Nicklaus is the greatest golfer the world has ever known. His record of major wins is unsurpassed, even years after his last victory. Winning eighteen major tournaments is a record that is likely to stand for a long time. For those of you who are not golfers, that is the equivalent of more Super Bowls, World Series, heavyweight championships, tennis Grand Slams, or any other sports crown won by a single person or team. If you’re not a sports person, just call it the Oscars and think Katharine Hepburn.

Of all of his feats, one stands out to me. It was in the 1972 U.S. Open at Pebble Beach. On the seventeenth hole, he faced what he described as a howling wind, a 218-yard shot, and a three-stroke lead, which on a hole like that could quickly disappear. What happened? He hit the shot. The ball hit the flagstick and fell a few inches from the hole. Birdie! And a locked-up U.S. Open victory. (Google it. You will watch it several times.)

In a career spanning so many years and so many victories, why does that one shot stand out to me above all others?

Here’s the rest of the story.

Nicklaus has described what happened in that historic moment. Right at the beginning of his backswing, the wind howls and forces his swing somewhat off-line. He can feel that it’s not right. So what does he do? He adjusts his swing plane midswing, right in the middle of one of the most important shots in the U.S. Open. Hitting a 1-iron, an impossible club anyway, in a gusty ocean wind, on a monster of a hole, under all that pressure, he has total awareness of a moving golf swing, the effect of the wind on his angles, and he makes an adjustment. Remember: his golf swing would move the clubhead somewhere around 120 miles per hour. And still he’s able to adjust midswing and hit the shot, and it stops three inches from the cup, 218 yards away. That is self-control to a degree that I just have no words to describe in strong enough terms, from sports to neuroscience to magic. It’s just who he was. It came from his character and makeup.

His sense of self-control, ownership, and responsibility were even more evident when he lost. In recent years, looking back, when asked about his greatest shot, he didn’t mention that shot or any one shot, but a sequence of holes in 1966 at the British Open. He was standing on the sixteenth tee, he recounted, and said to himself, “OK, Jack, I want a 3–4–4 finish and I think you’ll win the Open if you do that.” And he did. He finished 3–4–4 and won. How’s that for total self-direction, control, execution, and ownership?

A few years later, he stood in the exact same place, right among the leaders, and said it again: “OK, Jack, 3–4–4 and you’ll win the championship again.” Unfortunately, he didn’t make the shot that time around, and here is the kicker … the main point: as he looked back on that loss, he commented, “I finished 4–5–4 and lost by a shot. So I had my own destiny in my hands … and I just didn’t do it” [emphasis added]. That statement reveals the secret of his greatness. He saw himself as being in control, win or lose.

Listen to the ownership, the total realization of who is in control of Jack and his performance: Jack. He doesn’t offer excuses, such as, “It was windy that day and a gust of wind carried the ball too far on seventeen.” Or, “Someone yelled in my backswing.” There’s no “the dog ate my homework.” Instead, we hear total ownership: “I just didn’t do it.”

I have never seen great performers who felt themselves to be out of control of their own performance, emotions, direction, purpose, decisions, beliefs, choices, or any other human faculties. They don’t blame others or external factors. The greats are not like lesser performers, who try to explain away their failure as being somehow caused, forced, or controlled by someone else.

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Click to Tweet: I have never seen great performers who felt themselves to be out of control of their own performance, emotions, direction, purpose, decisions, beliefs, choices, or any other human faculties.

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Self-control is a big deal in human performance. Getting better depends upon it. You cannot get better if it’s not you who has to get better. You are the performer, period. You are the only thing you can control.

In the psychological world, this idea and description of health is called by many names. “Self-efficacy,” “agency,” and “locus of control” are a few. It is the “perception that one is in control of oneself.” If you have a 1-iron in your hand to win the U.S. Open, it’s good to realize that it’s in your hand, not someone else’s. If you do know it’s in your own hand, your mind and body (two parts of Siegel’s performance triangle) can adjust it to hit one of the greatest shots in history and win a U.S. Open. If you don’t, you’ll just continue the swing and then look up to see where it went. Good luck. A lot of people’s days and even lives are like that. They look up to “see where it went.” The greats in business, sports, or life know that they and only they hold the club. (See my book Boundaries for Leaders, HarperCollins, 2013.) And, remembering Siegel’s mind as regulator, you can see how a mind that has that kind of self-control can lead to very high performance.

Whether as a business leader, an individual performer, a parent, a spouse, or even as a patient in the health care system, once you realize that—that the 1-iron is in your hand—you are on your way to breaking through to the next level. You are 100 percent in control of your side of the relationship, your levers in the business, your input, the training and discipline of your kids, and on and on. Self-efficacy is part and parcel of any kind of human performance. Obviously you are not in control of the universe or other people, but you are always in control of yourself.

But The Power of the Other (from which this post is taken) is not a book about self-control. In fact, this isn’t even a book just about self. It’s a book about the power of the other—the power that someone else, not you, has in your life of performance, achievement, and well-being. Seems like a contradiction, right? On the one hand, I’m saying you’re totally in control of your performance, but on the other, I’m telling you that other people have power over your performance too. Which is it? Self-control or the power of others? Anyone confused?

The answer is yes. We all are confused. The reason we’re confused is that we see self-control and our individual performance as totally dependent upon ourselves and what we do, which is right, and as having nothing to do with anyone else, which is wrong. The truth is that, while our self-control and performance is totally in our control, it derives much of its sustenance from the power of our formative relationships. Yes, others, in the past and the present, help build our capacity for self-control. That is the paradox of performance.

Said another way, how much you perceive yourself as being in control of your life depends in part on how much the most significant people in your life support that ability and simultaneously hold you responsible for it. Winners not only perceive themselves as being in control of themselves and their choices, but also they exercise this control every day, and we can see it. They have that incredible sense of ownership, but in part it was built and is sustained by relationship.

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Taken from The Power of the Other by Dr. Henry Cloud. Learn more about this bestseller!

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Parenting Teens: 3 Tips for Building a Unified Approach with Your Spouse

By Dr. John Townsend

Are you and your spouse united or divided in your parenting? Consider the following dialogue:

Dad: “You’re letting our daughter do anything she wants.”

Mom: “You’re too strict with her.”

Dad: “She needs more discipline and structure.”

Mom: “She needs more love and encouragement.”

Dad: “She’s becoming irresponsible and out of control.”

Mom: “She’s becoming insecure and afraid.”

And you thought kid and teenagers had conflicts! This conversation illustrates a primary problem that results when parents can’t agree on how to parent. Rather than doing what they need to do for their kids — put her together — divided parents pull their kids apart.

Of course, no parents agree on everything. But in the best situations, they agree on the most important things and disagree only on styles, preferences, and smaller matters. This is what God intended, but often parents get in the way of God’s design. When parents are far apart in their values and perceptions of their children, the kids lose out. They have no one to contain and integrate their internal divisions. Their unifying environment is split up, so their inner conflicts remain stuck, and can get worse.

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Click to Tweet: No parents agree on everything. But in the best situations, they agree on the most important things.

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If one parent is loving but has poor boundaries, and the other has good boundaries but is not very loving, their kids will likely be undeveloped in her ability to love and to set limits. They will have difficulty being open and vulnerable, taking responsibility, and staying attached in conflict. They will struggle to work through problems. Clearly, the stakes of split parenting are high.

If you and your spouse have significant disagreements about your kids, you can begin to resolve your conflicts — and go a long way toward maturing your child — by doing the following:

1. Agree that your teen comes first.

Talk about your conflicting viewpoints, and agree to work on your differences by doing what’s in the best interest of your teen. Protect your teen, and find a way to agree on love and limits.

2. Defer to each other’s strengths.

Most parents each have an area of strength. Agree that, for your teen’s sake, you will defer to the strengths of the other. For example, if you have difficulty providing clear structure for your teen, you might ask your spouse for help and guidance. Or, if you can’t listen and understand at the emotional levels your child needs, get your spouse involved in the conversation.

3. Don’t triangulate your teen.

Sometimes parents will forget their role and involve their teen in their conflicts with each other. This is called triangulation, and leads to all kinds of problems, such as one parent indulging the teen with privileges, freedom, and gifts as a way of stealing the kid’s love from the other parent. The other parent reacts by using too much strictness and discipline in order to prove the spouse’s indulgent approach wrong. If you and your spouse are triangulating, stop. Agree to work out your differences. Consult a third party — such as a friend, pastor, or counselor — if the triangulation continues.

God designed parenting to be executed by a mom and a dad who love each other, support each other’s parenting, make up for each other’s limitations, and correct each other’s mistakes. It is a very good system when it works as planned. So work together to become united rather than divided parents. After all, you are your teen’s most important guide for how life is supposed to be lived. Kids do best when their parents stand together. Give your teen what he or she needs.

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Taken from Boundaries with Teens by Dr. John Townsend. Learn more about this helpful resource.

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Why Smart People Accept Unacceptable Relationships

When I (Dr. Townsend) guide people through a process of examining previous difficult relationships, the one question I have found most helpful is this: What was the “payoff” in your choice? In other words, what good things did you think you’d get when you began a relationship with that person?

We wind up with difficult people for a reason—there was something we valued, wanted, or hoped for. And because the need was strong, we may not have paid attention to something unacceptable in that person’s character. We either minimized or denied some sign, some reality, some warning light that all was not well. And the character problem ended up being a bigger deal than we thought.

When smart people accept unacceptable relationships, they tend to see traits and abilities in others that they think will make life better for them. We see positive aspects of a person’s psyche that we are drawn to or feel we need. A longing for them dulls an awareness of that person’s darker side. For some period of time in the relationship, the person may have had the following:

Warmth: She was gentle and nurturing with me
Affirmation: He saw the good in me
Safety: He did not condemn or judge me
Structure: She was organized and got things done
Humor: She helped lighten the burdens and cheered me up
A great family: His relatives were much healthier than mine
Drive: She was focused and knew where she was going
Initiative: She took risks and was brave in making decisions
Competency: He was talented, and I needed his talent in my organization
People skills: He handled people better than I did, so I depended on him
Intelligence: She was smart, and I needed smarts in my department

In the toughest cases, the trait is simply that “he liked me.” That is, sometimes people feel so alone and desperate that they are grateful just for someone to be pursuing them, no matter what that person’s character may be.

We have an ability to spin the truth when it comes to our relationships. When we want something so badly that we ignore reality. Love is not blind, but desire can be. Here are some examples of how we spin the truth:

You allowed him to control you because you were weak and afraid.
You ignored detachment and disconnection because she was a nice person.
You minimized irresponsibility because she had a great personality and charm.
You put up with his tendency to divide people on the team because he was a good strategist.
You didn’t pay attention to childishness because she was needy, and you felt protective.
You let him into your life because you were compliant and guilt-based, and he was free and a rebel.

Do you see how the problem occurs? It is an insidious process. It tends to occur slowly over time. The good aspects are generally apparent and right out there. The bad ones don’t come out until later, when the euphoria wears off and the honeymoon is over. We are simply not aware of the repercussions while we are in the middle of the relationship. Instead, we are focused on solving problems, improving things, questioning our own judgment, and trying to be positive about it all. It’s not until later, after we have some distance, that we can gain clarity and perspective on the true dynamics of what went on.

Here are a few questions to help you review your relationships and gain some helpful insights:

What drew me to this person?
What led me to think this person had what I needed?
When did I first notice a significant problem in the relationship?
How did I minimize the problem in order to get the good from the person?
What was the result of minimizing the problem?

The information you gather here will help you avoid these issues in future relationships. This doesn’t mean that the other person has some plan or agenda to hook you in. This occurs sometimes, but certainly not always. In most cases, difficult people are responding to their own issues but remain unaware of them or the impact they have on others. I say this to prevent you from feeling like you were sucked into a trap. Most of the time, both parties are in a dysfunctional dance, and neither one knows what’s going on. The difference now is that you can choose to stop dancing so that your future will be better than your past!

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If you’ve been burned by a bad relationship, don’t let the past repeat itself. Read Beyond Boundaries and discover how to tell who you can trust and learn the keys to know when you’re in a healthy relationship.

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The Best Boundaries Words for Kids

I (Dr. Cloud) can still remember what happened that day when I was eight years old. I made a big mistake, but I didn’t know it at the moment. I thought I was getting back at my sister, who was sixteen at the time. Opportunities for revenge were few and far between, and I was not about to let this one slip by. Sharon and her friend were goofing around in the den when one of them threw a pillow and broke the overhead light. They quickly figured out a way to arrange the light in such a way that you could not tell it was broken. They thought that they were off the hook. Little did my sister know that she had a sociopathic little brother with a plan.

When my father came home, I could not wait to tell him what they had done. I told him that they had broken the light, and he asked me to show him. I led him into the den, not knowing that Sharon and her friend were still in there. I was caught. Here he was, asking me about the broken light, and there they were, watching me seal my fate as a tattletale. I do not remember what he did to them, but I can still recall what they did to me, and it was not pretty.

In general, except when it is unsafe, children need to work out their own conflicts. Let them solve their problems themselves. For example, it’s okay for parents to say, “I don’t know why you are telling me. You need to work it out with your brother. He’s the one you’re mad at.” Or, “Go work it out with your sister first. If the two of you can’t settle it, then I might talk to you.” Do whatever you can to keep the conflict between your kids so they learn the necessary conflict resolution skills.

If the conflict is with friends, let your kids work it out. This is what they are going to have to do later in life. Talking with them about how to do conflict resolution is okay, but requiring them to do it is important. The same goes for their problems with the school and other authorities. Certainly, there are times for conferences and meetings.  But take every step to have your children work out the problems they are having with the school or organization. If Mom and Dad are always there to step in with authorities and “fix” it, the child will be lost when her first employer is upset with her performance.

The problem is that we (and our kids) may have difficulty knowing what to say when we have conflict with others. We learn what to say over time, but it is a good idea to teach your children what to say and even role-play how they will say things to others when they need to set limits. They are dealing with peer pressure, hurtful kids, and strong personalities on the playground. If they are prepared, they will fare better. Here are some examples of words to arm them with:

“No.” Period. Teach them how to say it.
“No, I don’t feel comfortable with that.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“No, I won’t do that.”
“No, my parents don’t allow that.”
“No, God does not want me to do that.”
“No, I learned that we don’t touch each other’s private places.”
“No, I don’t like drugs. They kill people.”

These words may sound simple and somewhat trite. But, some children need to know the words ahead of time and have some practice on how to use them. Role-play with them, or find a setting or group for them that does this kind of reinforcing of boundaries.

Your child must learn to take his feelings, fears, thoughts, desires, and all of his other experiences into relationship. And if those conflicts have to do with a specific person, they need to work it out with that person whenever possible.

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Get more proven advice to raise kids who take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, and emotions in Boundaries With Kids. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend take you through the ins and outs of instilling the kind of character in your children that will help them lead balanced, productive, and fulfilling adult lives. Learn how to:

Set limits and still be a loving parent.
Bring control to a chaotic family life.
Define age-appropriate boundaries and consequences for your kids.

Click here to read a sample chapter, watch a teaching video, and purchase your copy.

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