Gina Harris's Blog, page 77
August 14, 2019
Affording insulin... and syringes!
This may be the most important post I ever write: ReliOn insulin at Wal-Mart costs $25 per vial.
No matter how many times I see conversations about insulin prices and I mention that, no one ever seems to know. It is a life-saving thing.
Better yet, it is not prescription. I don't know why that is, and I don't recommend random experimentation, but that does mean that if you have not seen a doctor for over a year and do not have a current prescription, you can still get it.
In my case, as I was losing my health insurance and worrying, my endocrinologist suggested it. She had been giving me free samples of Lantus and Humilog to help out, but availability was always going to be a concern. Yes, when money is tight coming up with $50 a month might be hard, but it is way easier than coming up with $1000 or more.
That was our last visit, so she suggested some doses. There are no pens, but you can mix the N and the R (the cloudy and the clear), and she offered to show me that. I thought it sounded overly complicated so I declined, but then I looked it up on the internet and it was in fact very easy. I do it without thinking about it now.
It is better with a doctor's care. Once I was insured again my new primary care physician had me work with a pharmacist to adjust the dosing, and that has helped. Guessing on your own is probably not a great idea, but it is still so much cheaper.
The N (also sometimes referenced as NPH) is not a direct substitute for Lantus. It is more of a medium-acting than a long-acting. I take it twice a day. The R is fast-acting, though you might not take it with meals like Humilog and Novolog. I was initially taking it twice a day, but we added a midday dose and that has been good. Experimenting could be dangerous, but so is rationing the regular insulin you can't afford.
There are no pens; it is all vials and syringes. That is another expense.
Generally syringes come in boxes of 100 with bags of 10 inside. I use three a day, so need about one box a month. If the pharmacist doesn't know you, it is common to be reminded that they are not sold individually, and once I was even asked for ID, because you could be an IV drug user.
Before transferring to the Wal-Mart pharmacy, I was at Fred Meyer. If they had Kroger syringes a box was about $15, but they usually only had BD for around $30 (which actually were nicer, but not twice the price nicer). Of course pen needles were always around $50 a box after they took down all the eBay auctions, so even the $30 didn't seem terrible, but Wal-Mart has them for around $13. It made sense to just get the syringes with my prescriptions now, plus they recognize me and aren't eyeing me for signs of drug abuse.
I mention this because I was out of syringes one night when none of my prescriptions were due. The Wal-Mart isn't close to home, so I was just going to run in to Rite-Aid. $50! No other options.
I walked out, and got a $30 pack at Walgreens. I really try and plan ahead better now, only getting them at Wal-Mart or Costco. I know $15 isn't a lot of money for many people, but it is for me. It would also be very easy to not even realize the price range out there.
I have written before about avoiding shopping at Wal-Mart for a long time because of their business practices, and giving in because it means I get to live. My current insurance would let me go back to Lantus and Humilog, but in thinking about that I felt so much panic; what if I lose insurance again? I want to stay with something I can afford. I can easily avoid Chik-Fil-A and Home Depot, and there will probably be some pain in not getting New Balance if I can ever afford new shoes again but I will do it, but at this time my efforts require me staying alive. That means insulin at Wal-Mart.
Do what you need to do to stay alive too.
Recently I saw tweets about mortality coming up that were all related but with key differences. One was about how a lot of young people start dying after 26 because they lose their parents' insurance coverage, and another was about approaching 40 and all of the conditions that you have had to put off treating becoming issues, and one was about elderly people no longer being able to afford the care they need when they are on fixed incomes.
That last one may be the worst, because time was when if you could make it to 65 and Medicare you would have the best health care of your life, and probably be good into your 80s. We talk about average lifespans, but within that set there are clusters and danger areas. We just keep adding minefields.
I also recently saw a very eugenics-heavy tweet that called out diabetes specifically. Fine, I am not reproducing anyway, clearly, but that kind of hostility will pop up in other areas. I have health coverage for now.
Sometimes the most radical thing you can do is live. Do what you can.
No matter how many times I see conversations about insulin prices and I mention that, no one ever seems to know. It is a life-saving thing.
Better yet, it is not prescription. I don't know why that is, and I don't recommend random experimentation, but that does mean that if you have not seen a doctor for over a year and do not have a current prescription, you can still get it.
In my case, as I was losing my health insurance and worrying, my endocrinologist suggested it. She had been giving me free samples of Lantus and Humilog to help out, but availability was always going to be a concern. Yes, when money is tight coming up with $50 a month might be hard, but it is way easier than coming up with $1000 or more.
That was our last visit, so she suggested some doses. There are no pens, but you can mix the N and the R (the cloudy and the clear), and she offered to show me that. I thought it sounded overly complicated so I declined, but then I looked it up on the internet and it was in fact very easy. I do it without thinking about it now.
It is better with a doctor's care. Once I was insured again my new primary care physician had me work with a pharmacist to adjust the dosing, and that has helped. Guessing on your own is probably not a great idea, but it is still so much cheaper.
The N (also sometimes referenced as NPH) is not a direct substitute for Lantus. It is more of a medium-acting than a long-acting. I take it twice a day. The R is fast-acting, though you might not take it with meals like Humilog and Novolog. I was initially taking it twice a day, but we added a midday dose and that has been good. Experimenting could be dangerous, but so is rationing the regular insulin you can't afford.
There are no pens; it is all vials and syringes. That is another expense.
Generally syringes come in boxes of 100 with bags of 10 inside. I use three a day, so need about one box a month. If the pharmacist doesn't know you, it is common to be reminded that they are not sold individually, and once I was even asked for ID, because you could be an IV drug user.
Before transferring to the Wal-Mart pharmacy, I was at Fred Meyer. If they had Kroger syringes a box was about $15, but they usually only had BD for around $30 (which actually were nicer, but not twice the price nicer). Of course pen needles were always around $50 a box after they took down all the eBay auctions, so even the $30 didn't seem terrible, but Wal-Mart has them for around $13. It made sense to just get the syringes with my prescriptions now, plus they recognize me and aren't eyeing me for signs of drug abuse.
I mention this because I was out of syringes one night when none of my prescriptions were due. The Wal-Mart isn't close to home, so I was just going to run in to Rite-Aid. $50! No other options.
I walked out, and got a $30 pack at Walgreens. I really try and plan ahead better now, only getting them at Wal-Mart or Costco. I know $15 isn't a lot of money for many people, but it is for me. It would also be very easy to not even realize the price range out there.
I have written before about avoiding shopping at Wal-Mart for a long time because of their business practices, and giving in because it means I get to live. My current insurance would let me go back to Lantus and Humilog, but in thinking about that I felt so much panic; what if I lose insurance again? I want to stay with something I can afford. I can easily avoid Chik-Fil-A and Home Depot, and there will probably be some pain in not getting New Balance if I can ever afford new shoes again but I will do it, but at this time my efforts require me staying alive. That means insulin at Wal-Mart.
Do what you need to do to stay alive too.
Recently I saw tweets about mortality coming up that were all related but with key differences. One was about how a lot of young people start dying after 26 because they lose their parents' insurance coverage, and another was about approaching 40 and all of the conditions that you have had to put off treating becoming issues, and one was about elderly people no longer being able to afford the care they need when they are on fixed incomes.
That last one may be the worst, because time was when if you could make it to 65 and Medicare you would have the best health care of your life, and probably be good into your 80s. We talk about average lifespans, but within that set there are clusters and danger areas. We just keep adding minefields.
I also recently saw a very eugenics-heavy tweet that called out diabetes specifically. Fine, I am not reproducing anyway, clearly, but that kind of hostility will pop up in other areas. I have health coverage for now.
Sometimes the most radical thing you can do is live. Do what you can.
August 13, 2019
I protest
I recently started taking a statin. I am not happy about this.
I would not object if I had bad cholesterol, but I don't. I never have. The philosophy behind it is that diabetes increases my risk for heart disease and a statin will lower that risk. My doctor has been trying to get me on one for two years now, and I finally gave in.
I was already aware of the heart risks that are considered to accompany diabetes, because the Jardiance commercials make such a big deal of it. I am on Jardiance. I was previously on Farxiga, which worked great for me, but my insurance plan wanted the switch. That is not the first time that plans have mandated a change from a medication on which I was doing well. Nonetheless, still doing well on Jardiance. Fine. Shouldn't that be enough protection for my heart?
I am also on a blood pressure medication, even though my blood pressure is good. In this case it is because it serves to protect organs that are put at higher risk with diabetes.
Am I just a complainer? Maybe, but there are a few frustrations going on here.
One is that I am kind of proud of all of the other health factors that are good. Yes, I am diabetic, but I have good blood pressure and cholesterol and I still have full sensitivity in my feet after having diabetes for twenty years, and I am sensitive to when my blood sugar drops or when I my immune system is getting low. You may remember a few years ago that one of my goals was to get in touch with my body, and I think it worked.
That could easily go a wrong way, with me trying to feel that I am not like other diabetics and I am somehow superior to them -- that is a surprisingly common pitfall, with other conditions too. That is not my intention.
Instead it feels more like that for the medical industry, any other efforts and accomplishments don't matter; I am still diabetic and these things happen to diabetic people no matter what you do.
Frankly, that is not the best way to encourage good health practices.
(And there is probably a lot of it where you can use "fat" and "diabetic" interchangeably, at least for perceptions.)
I like my doctor. I have liked other doctors I have had in the past. I think they have been smart and caring and wanted the best for me.
I also know that what they can do is constrained by my insurance coverage, and I believe those insurance plans are influenced by the pharmaceutical companies, and the studies they promote. I don't know that they have my best interests at heart.
Screw that; I know they don't. Pfizer knew Enbrel could help prevent Alzheimer's and they didn't explore it or invest in it.
https://www.beingpatient.com/pfizer-coverup-enbrel-etanercept-alzheimers/
I take that personally.
And I'm fascinated by it, and the apparent link with inflammation that seems to be at the root of so much, but also, I care about people. Even if I am not personally affected by a condition or in any position to profit from it, I still want that research to happen.
Coming from a perspective of corporatism and capitalism, well, it just makes more sense to try and get more people to take the drugs you've already got.
Funny how that works.
I would not object if I had bad cholesterol, but I don't. I never have. The philosophy behind it is that diabetes increases my risk for heart disease and a statin will lower that risk. My doctor has been trying to get me on one for two years now, and I finally gave in.
I was already aware of the heart risks that are considered to accompany diabetes, because the Jardiance commercials make such a big deal of it. I am on Jardiance. I was previously on Farxiga, which worked great for me, but my insurance plan wanted the switch. That is not the first time that plans have mandated a change from a medication on which I was doing well. Nonetheless, still doing well on Jardiance. Fine. Shouldn't that be enough protection for my heart?
I am also on a blood pressure medication, even though my blood pressure is good. In this case it is because it serves to protect organs that are put at higher risk with diabetes.
Am I just a complainer? Maybe, but there are a few frustrations going on here.
One is that I am kind of proud of all of the other health factors that are good. Yes, I am diabetic, but I have good blood pressure and cholesterol and I still have full sensitivity in my feet after having diabetes for twenty years, and I am sensitive to when my blood sugar drops or when I my immune system is getting low. You may remember a few years ago that one of my goals was to get in touch with my body, and I think it worked.
That could easily go a wrong way, with me trying to feel that I am not like other diabetics and I am somehow superior to them -- that is a surprisingly common pitfall, with other conditions too. That is not my intention.
Instead it feels more like that for the medical industry, any other efforts and accomplishments don't matter; I am still diabetic and these things happen to diabetic people no matter what you do.
Frankly, that is not the best way to encourage good health practices.
(And there is probably a lot of it where you can use "fat" and "diabetic" interchangeably, at least for perceptions.)
I like my doctor. I have liked other doctors I have had in the past. I think they have been smart and caring and wanted the best for me.
I also know that what they can do is constrained by my insurance coverage, and I believe those insurance plans are influenced by the pharmaceutical companies, and the studies they promote. I don't know that they have my best interests at heart.
Screw that; I know they don't. Pfizer knew Enbrel could help prevent Alzheimer's and they didn't explore it or invest in it.
https://www.beingpatient.com/pfizer-coverup-enbrel-etanercept-alzheimers/
I take that personally.
And I'm fascinated by it, and the apparent link with inflammation that seems to be at the root of so much, but also, I care about people. Even if I am not personally affected by a condition or in any position to profit from it, I still want that research to happen.
Coming from a perspective of corporatism and capitalism, well, it just makes more sense to try and get more people to take the drugs you've already got.
Funny how that works.
August 12, 2019
Delusions of grandeur
Last month I needed a blood test and I had an eye appointment. Because anything that involves me leaving the house has a similar set of challenges, I arranged for care for my mother and was going to get all my medical stuff done on the same day.
It started off really well. I made an earlier bus than I needed and finished my book before checking in at the first appointment. This was important, because my eyes were going to be dilated and there was not going to be any reading after the appointment. Score!
Trimet trip planner had said the best way to get from Point A to Point B was to walk from St. Vincent's to Sunset Transit Center and grab a 48. I had never taken that path before and was a little worried about traffic (the area right around there is busy and some of the intersections are a little complicated) but I made it - still ahead of schedule - and started the last leg of my journey.
I was feeling really good about this. I'm sure some of it was the thrill of being on my own, even if it wasn't for doing fun stuff. Beyond that, it's nice to sometimes feel like I am accomplishing things and competent again; this current life phase does not give me a lot of that.
I had not gone to the Tanasbourne Providence by bus for a while, so I was not sure about the pathway there either; there has been a lot of construction and change. As I was getting across Cornell I could see that they had really improved pedestrian access and there was nothing to worry about.
Just as I got onto the sidewalk, I felt my blood sugar plunge.
This was not a tragedy. If it had fallen like that in the middle of Cornell, it could have been, but I was safely on sidewalk with guardrails. I quickly took a glucose tab, took one more immediately after, and then I went and got my blood test done. I had thought about taking the bus home too, but I called my sister and had her pick me up instead. That seemed like a better idea. I went home and had dinner and everything was back to normal, with two important tasks completed.
Obviously, one point of that story is that I shouldn't get cocky. I don't fall into low blood sugar often, but when it happens it takes away all of my illusions of strength and durability. Yes, I am sensitive to when it comes - and that is helpful - and I am prepared for it to come with keeping the glucose tabs on hand. Before that, though, there is a certain unpredictability that just grabs me and reminds me that I have a chronic illness in a way that the daily regimen of measuring and injecting doesn't. I suppose it's because those steps feel like keeping it under control, and then the drop is a reminder that control is limited.
Also, there is a way in which it is not completely unpredictable, in that when it happens I am probably in the middle of something, maybe trying to do more than usual or do it for longer. I don't want the interruption but I don't get a choice.
So there's that.
In addition, when you look further so much of that being in charge was never real anyway. Arranging care for my mother took not one but two sisters, because one was available earlier than the one who was available longer. My mobility was possible because I live in an area that values public transit. My medical appointments were possible because I live in a state that does not believe that having no income should automatically bar me from having healthcare. If not, there would have been no ophthalmologist visit and no A1C test, even though both of those things are important parts of staying on top of my chronic illness.
There are a lot of factors that go into the opportunities that are there for each of us. Of course our own efforts matter, but it's foolish to think that is all.
I am grateful for my sisters, Tri-met, and the Oregon Health Plan. None of them are perfect; they all still help me.
I'm still not grateful for diabetes or Alzheimer's, but they are still a big part of my learning and my growth. It's not even unfair, it just is.
And if my blood sugar had to drop, I'm glad that it was on the right side of the intersection. That could have been messy.
It started off really well. I made an earlier bus than I needed and finished my book before checking in at the first appointment. This was important, because my eyes were going to be dilated and there was not going to be any reading after the appointment. Score!
Trimet trip planner had said the best way to get from Point A to Point B was to walk from St. Vincent's to Sunset Transit Center and grab a 48. I had never taken that path before and was a little worried about traffic (the area right around there is busy and some of the intersections are a little complicated) but I made it - still ahead of schedule - and started the last leg of my journey.
I was feeling really good about this. I'm sure some of it was the thrill of being on my own, even if it wasn't for doing fun stuff. Beyond that, it's nice to sometimes feel like I am accomplishing things and competent again; this current life phase does not give me a lot of that.
I had not gone to the Tanasbourne Providence by bus for a while, so I was not sure about the pathway there either; there has been a lot of construction and change. As I was getting across Cornell I could see that they had really improved pedestrian access and there was nothing to worry about.
Just as I got onto the sidewalk, I felt my blood sugar plunge.
This was not a tragedy. If it had fallen like that in the middle of Cornell, it could have been, but I was safely on sidewalk with guardrails. I quickly took a glucose tab, took one more immediately after, and then I went and got my blood test done. I had thought about taking the bus home too, but I called my sister and had her pick me up instead. That seemed like a better idea. I went home and had dinner and everything was back to normal, with two important tasks completed.
Obviously, one point of that story is that I shouldn't get cocky. I don't fall into low blood sugar often, but when it happens it takes away all of my illusions of strength and durability. Yes, I am sensitive to when it comes - and that is helpful - and I am prepared for it to come with keeping the glucose tabs on hand. Before that, though, there is a certain unpredictability that just grabs me and reminds me that I have a chronic illness in a way that the daily regimen of measuring and injecting doesn't. I suppose it's because those steps feel like keeping it under control, and then the drop is a reminder that control is limited.
Also, there is a way in which it is not completely unpredictable, in that when it happens I am probably in the middle of something, maybe trying to do more than usual or do it for longer. I don't want the interruption but I don't get a choice.
So there's that.
In addition, when you look further so much of that being in charge was never real anyway. Arranging care for my mother took not one but two sisters, because one was available earlier than the one who was available longer. My mobility was possible because I live in an area that values public transit. My medical appointments were possible because I live in a state that does not believe that having no income should automatically bar me from having healthcare. If not, there would have been no ophthalmologist visit and no A1C test, even though both of those things are important parts of staying on top of my chronic illness.
There are a lot of factors that go into the opportunities that are there for each of us. Of course our own efforts matter, but it's foolish to think that is all.
I am grateful for my sisters, Tri-met, and the Oregon Health Plan. None of them are perfect; they all still help me.
I'm still not grateful for diabetes or Alzheimer's, but they are still a big part of my learning and my growth. It's not even unfair, it just is.
And if my blood sugar had to drop, I'm glad that it was on the right side of the intersection. That could have been messy.
August 9, 2019
Concert Review: The B-52's
The B-52's were the headliner, and they were well-loved by the crowd that filled the venue.
They mentioned our "Keep Portland weird" motto as indicating this is a place where they fit in, and it's hard to argue. They started out as a really weird band. After "Love Shack" was a mainstream success, it was easy to see them as merely delightfully quirky, but they have never left those strange roots.
It is good to see them still rocking after so many years. The memories come. For example, I have never forgotten "Roam", but when they started "Channel Z"... I had kind of forgotten that one; it's a good song!
All of the bands made good use of the giant video screen, but in the B-52's set I really appreciated how much footage there was of deceased founding member Ricky Wilson. Most bands that have been around for a while have some painful spots, but embracing the memories is usually the healthiest option.
The nostalgia doesn't hurt the fun. One of my favorite things was that as they closed the show with their first single, "Rock Lobster", out came a giant lobster. It was a pretty good dancer, despite what must have been poor visibility in the suit.
No one would have thought about it if there were no lobster, and it still would have been a good finale, but that just took it to another level.
For some random thoughts, Kate Pierson was rocking a real Poison Ivy look. I could buy The B-52's being a DC band, comics-wise. I mean, B-52's/ New 52; it makes sense.
Kate is also the oldest B-52, which I did not see coming. We assumed it was Fred Schneider, but he is only(?) 68.
Speaking of the videos, they had an awesome dance one that combined footage of the band with every dance movie imaginable - Astaire, Garland, Swayze, Napoleon Dynamite - and there was one scene that I had initially pegged as a young Christopher Walken, but it was Fred. I don't think it means anything; it was just weird.
Therefore, perfect for this band. "Bless their hearts" is a bit of an insult in the South, but I'm not Southern so bless those Georgian weirdos!https://www.theb52s.com/
https://www.facebook.com/theb52s/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBGCbkljFbQHm_8w8HFWAKA
https://twitter.com/TheB52s
August 8, 2019
Concert Review: Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark
Andy McCluskey is the most appealing dork.
Perhaps that's not quite the right word, but his down-to-earth embrace of not being a good dancer, and then continuing to dance anyway, with great looseness and energy, along with his cheeky sense of humor, makes for a good show.
Reunited with OMD co-founder Paul Humphries since 2006, they played at the Oregon Zoo Tuesday night. 
They played all the old favorites - along with some newer songs - and it felt fresh and fun.
The band is currently rounded out with Martin Cooper playing additional keyboards and Stuart Kershaw on drums. Both have had previous experience with the band, and perhaps that contributes to the tightness of the sound. After all the years and lineup changes, the fidelity of performance is there.
See them if you get a chance.http://www.omd.uk.com/
https://www.facebook.com/omdofficial/
https://www.youtube.com/user/OMDenglishelectric
https://twitter.com/officialomd
August 7, 2019
Concert Review: Berlin
I saw Berlin at the Oregon Zoo last night.
I have enjoyed them for a long time, even in my pre-teen days when my older sister used to play Pleasure Victim a lot. 
Frankly, it started out a little rough, with some of the male vocals sounding a little too strained.
The keyboards were great, and I was thinking maybe they would do better in smaller, indoor venues for these old synth hits. Then they started playing music off of 2019 release Transcendance, and it was fantastic. I thought maybe they were just better off moving forward.
Then Terri Nunn went out into the crowd singing "Take My Breath Away". That is not new material - going back to 1986 - and in a way she was even more outdoors than before, but everything was perfect and powerful and the crowd was thrilled. (I'm not sure how security felt about it, but no riots were started.)
As well as that turned out, I feel a little bad mentioning the rough start - maybe I am being too critical - except that they turned it around so completely that it makes things even more impressive.Good show!
http://www.berlinpage.com/
https://www.facebook.com/BerlinOfficialBand
https://www.youtube.com/user/berlinofficialband
https://twitter.com/RealTerriNunn
August 6, 2019
Searching for the Biblioburro
Looking for books tends to lead to more books; that has proven true over and over again.
Maria had heard about a book about the "Biblioburro", a traveling library on burro back. Searching on that word produced four results.
The one she had heard of was probably Biblioburro: A True Story from Colombia, by Jeanette Winter. It gives a basic telling of how it started, and has a note on the man who actually has the two burros, Alfa and Beto.
It was not the first one we were able to locate. That was Waiting for the Biblioburro, by Monica Brown and Jim Parra. Written from the point of view of one of the children visited by the Biblioburro, the book focuses on her desire to give back, and create her own book telling the story.
Both of those were sweet and charming stories, but there is always more to any story.
The other book was My Librarian is a Camel: How Books are Brought to Children Around the World, by Margriet Ruurs. The Biblioburro was in there - which is why it came up in search results - but also there are camels and horses and vans and wheelbarrows and all sorts of ways of making sure that books get to places where people need them and might not be able to easily get them.
That was probably the most inspiring for me. Access to books inspiring creativity is close to my heart, but seeing so much creativity based on a passionate belief in the value of access to books was amazing.
It meant even more because I had been seeing so many attacks on libraries.
They were not openly vicious attacks. The first one was clothed as an argument for greater access: instead of libraries just give every kid some portable reading device and lots of access and then you don't need physical locations!
Of course, those who argue that technology is the answer for everything are generally not paying attention to the bias built into technology (possibly intentionally). Beyond that, they are discounting the value of librarians guiding users in their choices. Finding books at the right level to increase learning instead of discouraging it has some art to it. There are so many books out there, it is easy to get lost. I am a big fan of the tactile experience of books, but I am also a fan of the human factor, and it matters.
Of course that argument was focusing only on access for students, because who cares about adults? That might relate to the next thing I started seeing, a few months later. It was a complaint about homeless people around the library, and then wondering if there was some way to get around that, like maybe instead of libraries subscription book clubs... I guess because a cost will keep out the riff raff.
It is a beautiful thing that people without homes, or maybe currently without electricity or internet access, can go and check the internet or print their resume or have their children listen to a story or any of the myriad other things libraries do, as bastions of community and democracy.
Libraries have entertained my family with music, and saved us money, and opened so much learning. I have piles of books, yes, but they would be much higher piles if I had to buy everything I wanted to read. Electronics could eliminate some of that too, but I still like the tactile.
It always baffles me at first that anyone could be against libraries, but then I remember that people are horrible.
That leads to the fourth thing.
It was not a book, but a documentary, Biblioburro: The Donkey Library.
There were Alfa and Beto, and their owner, Luis Soriano, and there he was teaching during the week, and loading up the burros and taking them around on the weekends. It started out a little slow, with him talking to the donkeys to give exposition. It quickly became gripping, though, as it became clear that this was about more than literacy.
The literacy was a real issue, and it was good to see an adult literacy class too, but much of what Luis was doing was about dealing with trauma. Many of the children had seen family members killed and lost their homes in fighting. The children were writing essays and drawing pictures of their experiences, and then he was telling them to take those sad stories and put them behind them. I did wonder whether that was the best method - can you really put those things behind you - but he was giving them a way forward in the best way he knew how, and it was good that someone was trying.
It also became clear that it was dangerous. He had burros, but there were cars, and rivers to cross that sometimes had higher water, and at least once he was threatened by hostile men. At the end of the documentary it looked like those dangers were past, with him getting a government education position, but I recently read that he had a leg amputated after an accident with one of the burros. However, it also says that he remains dedicated to his work, and I believe that. If he were the type to have been discouraged he could never have done so much.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biblioburro
I appreciate finding a good cause and then going with it. The world needs more of that.
Maria had heard about a book about the "Biblioburro", a traveling library on burro back. Searching on that word produced four results.
The one she had heard of was probably Biblioburro: A True Story from Colombia, by Jeanette Winter. It gives a basic telling of how it started, and has a note on the man who actually has the two burros, Alfa and Beto.
It was not the first one we were able to locate. That was Waiting for the Biblioburro, by Monica Brown and Jim Parra. Written from the point of view of one of the children visited by the Biblioburro, the book focuses on her desire to give back, and create her own book telling the story.
Both of those were sweet and charming stories, but there is always more to any story.
The other book was My Librarian is a Camel: How Books are Brought to Children Around the World, by Margriet Ruurs. The Biblioburro was in there - which is why it came up in search results - but also there are camels and horses and vans and wheelbarrows and all sorts of ways of making sure that books get to places where people need them and might not be able to easily get them.
That was probably the most inspiring for me. Access to books inspiring creativity is close to my heart, but seeing so much creativity based on a passionate belief in the value of access to books was amazing.
It meant even more because I had been seeing so many attacks on libraries.
They were not openly vicious attacks. The first one was clothed as an argument for greater access: instead of libraries just give every kid some portable reading device and lots of access and then you don't need physical locations!
Of course, those who argue that technology is the answer for everything are generally not paying attention to the bias built into technology (possibly intentionally). Beyond that, they are discounting the value of librarians guiding users in their choices. Finding books at the right level to increase learning instead of discouraging it has some art to it. There are so many books out there, it is easy to get lost. I am a big fan of the tactile experience of books, but I am also a fan of the human factor, and it matters.
Of course that argument was focusing only on access for students, because who cares about adults? That might relate to the next thing I started seeing, a few months later. It was a complaint about homeless people around the library, and then wondering if there was some way to get around that, like maybe instead of libraries subscription book clubs... I guess because a cost will keep out the riff raff.
It is a beautiful thing that people without homes, or maybe currently without electricity or internet access, can go and check the internet or print their resume or have their children listen to a story or any of the myriad other things libraries do, as bastions of community and democracy.
Libraries have entertained my family with music, and saved us money, and opened so much learning. I have piles of books, yes, but they would be much higher piles if I had to buy everything I wanted to read. Electronics could eliminate some of that too, but I still like the tactile.
It always baffles me at first that anyone could be against libraries, but then I remember that people are horrible.
That leads to the fourth thing.
It was not a book, but a documentary, Biblioburro: The Donkey Library.
There were Alfa and Beto, and their owner, Luis Soriano, and there he was teaching during the week, and loading up the burros and taking them around on the weekends. It started out a little slow, with him talking to the donkeys to give exposition. It quickly became gripping, though, as it became clear that this was about more than literacy.
The literacy was a real issue, and it was good to see an adult literacy class too, but much of what Luis was doing was about dealing with trauma. Many of the children had seen family members killed and lost their homes in fighting. The children were writing essays and drawing pictures of their experiences, and then he was telling them to take those sad stories and put them behind them. I did wonder whether that was the best method - can you really put those things behind you - but he was giving them a way forward in the best way he knew how, and it was good that someone was trying.
It also became clear that it was dangerous. He had burros, but there were cars, and rivers to cross that sometimes had higher water, and at least once he was threatened by hostile men. At the end of the documentary it looked like those dangers were past, with him getting a government education position, but I recently read that he had a leg amputated after an accident with one of the burros. However, it also says that he remains dedicated to his work, and I believe that. If he were the type to have been discouraged he could never have done so much.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biblioburro
I appreciate finding a good cause and then going with it. The world needs more of that.
August 5, 2019
Watching movies
For my movie watching, I settled on ten Black directors and twenty-two films. I am about halfway through.
I have had many thoughts already, but I am saving them up. For now, the main thing has been remembering how beautiful movies can be.
One of the early films was Daughters of the Dust (directed by Julie Dash, with cinematography by Arthur Jafa). That one makes it kind of obvious; I mean, it is gratuitously beautiful. I could worry about that taking away from the story, but that's not how it works. You are carried along by the images, but then the significance of things keeps stealing in on you later.
Where I started thinking about it more was after watching Eve's Bayou (directed by Kasi Lemmons, cinematography by Amy Vincent). There is a lot of beautiful imagery, but that closing shot... it's like if there is a museum of cinematography, and a hall with blown up images (preferably on glass) of the most beautiful shots in film history, that should be there. (And probably one image from each section of Hero, but that's another story.)
I remember once looking at a patch of sunlight on a brick wall that was so beautiful that it didn't seem real. It sent me looking up the origins of "pretty as a picture", because why should we look at something real and compare it to a reproduction?
Apparently the phrase came from a common art practice of not reproducing flaws when they were painting. The end result looked mostly like the subject, but a little bit better too.
I simultaneously understand and don't quite approve of that, but there is something else that can be done with setting things to the best advantage. Framing and contrast and lighting and all of those factors ca be used, not so much for changing the subject but for changing how we see it. They can enhance how we see it.
It goes that way with the plots too. You can make true stories more exciting by adding in things that didn't happen. At least, you can try that, but will sometimes only succeed in making it obviously fake and stupid.
However, if you take something that took three conversations - because humans take a while to get on the same wavelength, and we realize things we missed and have to get back to them later - and then distill that into one conversation, that gets to the point without all the false starts and superfluity. That's something else. It's still fiction, but it's more truthful and it can be helpful. We see parts of ourselves in it. Maybe we understand not just that story better, but many other stories.
It's just a reminder for me of what art can be at its best.
And it's been too long since I've been writing.
I have had many thoughts already, but I am saving them up. For now, the main thing has been remembering how beautiful movies can be.
One of the early films was Daughters of the Dust (directed by Julie Dash, with cinematography by Arthur Jafa). That one makes it kind of obvious; I mean, it is gratuitously beautiful. I could worry about that taking away from the story, but that's not how it works. You are carried along by the images, but then the significance of things keeps stealing in on you later.
Where I started thinking about it more was after watching Eve's Bayou (directed by Kasi Lemmons, cinematography by Amy Vincent). There is a lot of beautiful imagery, but that closing shot... it's like if there is a museum of cinematography, and a hall with blown up images (preferably on glass) of the most beautiful shots in film history, that should be there. (And probably one image from each section of Hero, but that's another story.)
I remember once looking at a patch of sunlight on a brick wall that was so beautiful that it didn't seem real. It sent me looking up the origins of "pretty as a picture", because why should we look at something real and compare it to a reproduction?
Apparently the phrase came from a common art practice of not reproducing flaws when they were painting. The end result looked mostly like the subject, but a little bit better too.
I simultaneously understand and don't quite approve of that, but there is something else that can be done with setting things to the best advantage. Framing and contrast and lighting and all of those factors ca be used, not so much for changing the subject but for changing how we see it. They can enhance how we see it.
It goes that way with the plots too. You can make true stories more exciting by adding in things that didn't happen. At least, you can try that, but will sometimes only succeed in making it obviously fake and stupid.
However, if you take something that took three conversations - because humans take a while to get on the same wavelength, and we realize things we missed and have to get back to them later - and then distill that into one conversation, that gets to the point without all the false starts and superfluity. That's something else. It's still fiction, but it's more truthful and it can be helpful. We see parts of ourselves in it. Maybe we understand not just that story better, but many other stories.
It's just a reminder for me of what art can be at its best.
And it's been too long since I've been writing.
August 2, 2019
Not a concert review
I went to a concert last night. I arrived late and left early, so I don't think I have anything to contribute about that.
I was glad for what I saw; I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. That's been a problem for a while.
It was going to be three of us going, but it ended up just being me. There are ways in which that has been better in the past, but that is not working for me as well. Going to concerts alone has been kind of a freak thing to do, which I have felt even when I enjoyed doing it. When I enjoyed it, I didn't realize how much it took. There has to be some strength or being okay with yourself or something where I am not just a mess on the verge of a breakdown.
I knew there was a chance I would not really be up for it, but when I thought about skipping it I got this sense of panic that I get when I have a chance for some respite time and feel it slipping away.
Things have been getting worse. There's really no other direction for that to go. I had not been feeling great, and I have been feeling it slowing me down. I feel it in my knees and my hips especially.
That could totally be arthritis coming on. I have that in the family genes and as a fat person I will always be assumed to be at risk of things like that and specifically for that reason, regardless of what other factors might be in play.
But the other thing is that it has been like there is this invisible weight resting on top of me; it really is more of a lack of energy and will than pain. I thought if I left the house I could get it off of me for a few hours, and spring back up a little. It worked, except then I kept starting to cry. Apparently that weight tamps down the emotions too.
So it looks like respite time should now just involve hiding places where I can have a good cry without being observed by people.
And it's fine; no one notices if you are crying at a concert. It isn't typically how I like to enjoy my rock music though.
Before this sounds too maudlin, I have one more concert Tuesday (summer, right?) that has different circumstances, and that I am optimistic about. Also, last week we (sisters, mother, and I) went to the Carousel Museum in Albany, and even though I was not off duty, it was still a break. So, it's not always like this, but it's like this a lot. The cumulative effect is taking a toll.
In the midst of my death and grief reading, I recently finished Sherwin B. Nuland's How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter. I am sure I will write more about the whole section when I have finished it, but there is one quote from the chapter on Alzheimer's about the families that I copied into my journal, and keep pondering:
I wish I knew.
I was glad for what I saw; I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. That's been a problem for a while.
It was going to be three of us going, but it ended up just being me. There are ways in which that has been better in the past, but that is not working for me as well. Going to concerts alone has been kind of a freak thing to do, which I have felt even when I enjoyed doing it. When I enjoyed it, I didn't realize how much it took. There has to be some strength or being okay with yourself or something where I am not just a mess on the verge of a breakdown.
I knew there was a chance I would not really be up for it, but when I thought about skipping it I got this sense of panic that I get when I have a chance for some respite time and feel it slipping away.
Things have been getting worse. There's really no other direction for that to go. I had not been feeling great, and I have been feeling it slowing me down. I feel it in my knees and my hips especially.
That could totally be arthritis coming on. I have that in the family genes and as a fat person I will always be assumed to be at risk of things like that and specifically for that reason, regardless of what other factors might be in play.
But the other thing is that it has been like there is this invisible weight resting on top of me; it really is more of a lack of energy and will than pain. I thought if I left the house I could get it off of me for a few hours, and spring back up a little. It worked, except then I kept starting to cry. Apparently that weight tamps down the emotions too.
So it looks like respite time should now just involve hiding places where I can have a good cry without being observed by people.
And it's fine; no one notices if you are crying at a concert. It isn't typically how I like to enjoy my rock music though.
Before this sounds too maudlin, I have one more concert Tuesday (summer, right?) that has different circumstances, and that I am optimistic about. Also, last week we (sisters, mother, and I) went to the Carousel Museum in Albany, and even though I was not off duty, it was still a break. So, it's not always like this, but it's like this a lot. The cumulative effect is taking a toll.
In the midst of my death and grief reading, I recently finished Sherwin B. Nuland's How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter. I am sure I will write more about the whole section when I have finished it, but there is one quote from the chapter on Alzheimer's about the families that I copied into my journal, and keep pondering:
The cost, of course, is considerable. In terms of emotional damage, of neglect of personal goals and responsibilities, of disturbed relationships, and obviously of financial resources, the toll is unbearably high. Few tragedies are more expensive.I don't have an answer for that. I have ideas for things that would help society in general, and given the percentage of families that experience Alzheimer's that is something to think about, but we are not there now. So with my actual resources, how do I deal with that blight right now?
I wish I knew.
August 1, 2019
Mourning Kalief Browder
When choosing historical figures, some are more obvious than others. Some people had a large effect on those around them, or figured prominently in news. Others may have never been headliners, but in learning about their lives we learn other things.
Maybe sometimes it is more that history happens to them.
One of the movies I watched was 13th. I know it had a bigger impact on a lot of people, shocking them. I was already pretty familiar with the subject matter, so there was no astonishment, but there was video footage of Kalief Browder, and it got to me. I guess it was seeing him alive.
Browder was arrested for the theft of a backpack, based on a witness identification, though there were some signs that the witness was unreliable. He always maintained his innocence.
Because of that, he would not take a guilty plea, but part of the brokenness of the legal system is that without ever being tried he spent three years in jail until the case was dropped. There was a lot of abuse there, including the use of solitary confinement.
Browder killed himself two years after being released.
https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/kalief-browder-1993-2015
He had been open about it being a struggle. He attempted to move forward, getting his GED and enrolling in college. He certainly could have already had some predisposition for depression. Still, it's pretty hard to avoid the obvious: his imprisonment caused great emotional and psychological pain, and it should never have happened. Even if there had been a stronger case that he was the backpack thief, it cannot justify that amount of pre-trial detention. It is horrifying on every level.
There is a natural resistance to claiming guilt when you are not guilty, but a lot of people do just to avoid this trap. Browder did not - maybe he would have been better off if he had - but there is no way that this can be right.
And he will have an impact. There are people who are aware of the systemic injustice now that weren't before. He is remembered. He is a part of history, and to some extent in taking a principled stand and refusing to plead guilty, and speaking about his ordeal after, there was even some choice to be a part of history.
It just should never have been like this.
Maybe sometimes it is more that history happens to them.
One of the movies I watched was 13th. I know it had a bigger impact on a lot of people, shocking them. I was already pretty familiar with the subject matter, so there was no astonishment, but there was video footage of Kalief Browder, and it got to me. I guess it was seeing him alive.
Browder was arrested for the theft of a backpack, based on a witness identification, though there were some signs that the witness was unreliable. He always maintained his innocence.
Because of that, he would not take a guilty plea, but part of the brokenness of the legal system is that without ever being tried he spent three years in jail until the case was dropped. There was a lot of abuse there, including the use of solitary confinement.
Browder killed himself two years after being released.
https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/kalief-browder-1993-2015
He had been open about it being a struggle. He attempted to move forward, getting his GED and enrolling in college. He certainly could have already had some predisposition for depression. Still, it's pretty hard to avoid the obvious: his imprisonment caused great emotional and psychological pain, and it should never have happened. Even if there had been a stronger case that he was the backpack thief, it cannot justify that amount of pre-trial detention. It is horrifying on every level.
There is a natural resistance to claiming guilt when you are not guilty, but a lot of people do just to avoid this trap. Browder did not - maybe he would have been better off if he had - but there is no way that this can be right.
And he will have an impact. There are people who are aware of the systemic injustice now that weren't before. He is remembered. He is a part of history, and to some extent in taking a principled stand and refusing to plead guilty, and speaking about his ordeal after, there was even some choice to be a part of history.
It just should never have been like this.
