Gina Harris's Blog, page 164

Band Review: The Eternal Oppression

The Eternal Oppression is a metal band from Colchester in Essex. Currently at least some of the members are in other bands, which may take time away from The Eternal Oppression itself. However, there is a Facebook post from June indicating that they were recording new tracks.
Currently I was able to find four songs on a self-titled EP.
I appreciate that they call themselves metal; many similar sounding bands use some variation on "core", and often one without a real meaning. This is metal. It is heavy, it is aggressive, and that is the intent.
While the shouted content can make the songs seem to run together, if you listen to the intros you will find some subtle touches and differentiation. My favorite overall was probably "They Swarm", which reminds me of recent Torche. However, I find the bridge on "Groundborn" moving, and there is an eerie quality to the intro on "I Am Eternal" that could be explored more.
I could not find very many links, but what I have is here.
https://www.facebook.com/theeternaloppression
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-eternal-oppression-ep/id646076686

All the fat we cannot see

I'm going to quote again from Morgan - not just to shamelessly promote my book, but also as a launching point for today's post:
In reality, there was nothing remarkable about her going to yet another activity, and once again not having a good time. There was nothing surprising about Justin whispering "moo" behind her when she took a cookie. One cookie! He'd wolfed down five.
(You can buy Morgan at http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B016CIBNJK.)
Again, Morgan is not shaped like a model, but she is not fat. She still gets teased for being fat. I don't know that Joanna and Claudia get picked on specifically for their weight, but they and Morgan definitely see movies and magazine ads and it does not matter if they are healthy, they feel fat.
I can say confidently that I am fat, but I have felt the same level of fat all along. I have felt the same aversion to my appearance all along, and that covers a really wide range.
It's not that there haven't been differences. When I was 50 pounds lighter I did not have diabetes. Yes, there is a genetic component, and there are heavier people who still have normal blood sugar, but it is a factor for me. My blood pressure is really good now, but when I was 30 pounds heavier, it wasn't. Stress was probably a factor at that time, but it's unlikely that it was the only factor.
The ridiculous thing is that I keep forgetting that this is not my heaviest, because I still feel so heavy. My doctor had to remind me. And I can force myself to remember that the numbers on the scale were different, but in the mirror I still just look really fat. I can look at the old pictures and remember things people said then and see that it wasn't true, but mentally there was never a feeling that my body was acceptable.
What I'm getting at is that there are differences between a hundred pounds overweight and thirty pounds overweight. That sounds obvious, but it feels like we treat people the same at any level of overweight.
Maybe we are afraid to look at it closely enough to see differences, but nothing good is going to come of that.
Now it seems that to avoid teasing you need to be underweight, but it looks like girls feel the same way about being ten pounds overweight as thirty pounds overweight, and all I can think about that is that maybe worrying about ten pounds is stupid.
The justification that people can always use with fat is that it's unhealthy, which is true to a point, but the playground taunting isn't concern for health, and there are a lot of signs that society - including the medical establishment - is moving to such a level of fat phobia that they are going to fail to look at the whole person as well.
I suspect that even if your only concerns are truly for good health that the means we are using to get there are worse than counterproductive.
I also I suspect I will blog about this again. For now, I want to see things clearly.
This relates a lot to the goal of being connected with my body, but it is not only that because it is also being free of society's influence in how I view others. I want to see whole people, rather than a binary option of fat or not fat.

Bodies of writing

I am not yet ready to write a fat heroine. I have started adding weight to them. What sort of cruel author am I? It's not exactly like that.
I guess it started with Claudia:
http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/05/sidetracked-by-superhero.html
This is someone who is led to her superpower by the path of depression. She is a teenage girl. She was going to have body issues. I started thinking about those specific body issues, and I imagined her having wide hips and thighs. I may have been a little influenced by Nani in Lilo & Stitch, but also it hasn't been that long since the big determinant for girls to know they were too fat was the lack of a thigh gap. That the actual presence of a thigh gap has more to do with how your frame is built than how much flesh is hung on said frame is just one of those things.
That blog post also refers to another comic, with a link to a 6 page screenplay I had written for it. That's Theme Park, and I don't have any sketches for it, but with Claudia, and with Morgan (whom I will get to in a moment) and with recently being at a concert where the lead singer had a bit of a stomach, I think Joanna has one too.
Let me be clear that I am not calling the singer fat. He was not, but he was not completely toned and devoid of body fat either. He just happened to have a little collection at the stomach where you could hardly even tell when he was wearing the sweatshirt, but then when he took it off you could see it. Personally, I thought it was kind of cute. I liked it so much that I am giving it to Joanna.
Here's the thing. Some time ago I remember reading an article about Carrie (both the book and the movie but now also a musical!). The writer was pointing out that no matter how socially maladjusted Carrie was, or how weird her family, some guy would have displayed interest in a Carrie who looked like Sissy Spacek. He said the Carrie in the novel was overweight and pasty and acne-ridden.
Not having read the book, I will take his word for that. It is pretty believable because that's how movies and television go. If who gets to date is based on looks, the people we see on movies and television are generally quite eligible for dating. There is an exception here and there, but generally the "fat" ones are normal weight, and the "ugly" ones are just wearing glasses and their bangs over their face.
So there was knowing that, but also thinking about Claudia, and the singer, it reminded me that it is common to have trouble spots. Maybe you are at basically a healthy weight, but there is a little more on your butt, or your upper arms, or your gut. I have friends with rounded faces, and it frustrates them because they always feel like their face looks fat, but it isn't fat. Those bodies aren't perfect, but there's not really anything wrong with them. They are human. They keep us from being a bunch of clones. They're beautiful.
I have been carrying around Morgan's story for probably about 17 years. I knew she wasn't popular, but I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about why until it came time to write it out. Once I got there, it was sad how much of it had to do with her early socialization and what other people happened to be around, but it was easy for her to think there was something wrong with her. Keeping it easy, I did this:
"She usually felt clumsy too. Morgan had a short waist, and when her chest started developing it felt like it was always in the way, especially for throwing or catching. She had liked playing softball before, but it got too embarrassing.
The boys started paying attention then. Morgan knew that boys were supposed to like breasts, and part of the fascination was probably that. It always translated into them teasing her about being fat.
Morgan was mostly sure that the boys were just being jerks, and that she was really okay, but that part of her that was left unsure suffered. Adults always said if a boy teases you it means he likes you; that didn't seem like it could be right."
I know girls with that issue. Maybe that's more than one issue, but I know girls with the rest of it too. Anyway, the book is out. Please buy my book:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B016CIBNJK
I don't consider Morgan, Claudia, or Joanna fat, but they are all vulnerable to having their weight shamed. That is not just a physical thing. All three are isolated and have some emotional scars because of other things that have happened. With a different confidence level they might have ended up making friends with social power, or even wielding social power themselves.
It's not only physical, but the physical is there too. Fat has a stigma. You may have noticed I didn't specify which singer had the stomach, even though I was saying it wasn't a big deal. It feels like an insult that I even noticed.  I think this makes us not really see it clearly - almost like a fat derangement. I'm going to try and write about that tomorrow.
For now, one more article that may have influenced me:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/kayetoal/that-knife-of-recognition#.icBL3n2wD8

This section: Overall arc

Back to the big paper, there were some words that did not really belong in any of the columns, but they had an order of their own.
Don't cry - Shame - Fat - Can't be loved - Can't trust/Dad/Driving
This takes the basic events and wounds and puts them in order, with an assumption that they built upon each other, so that it is probably important to heal them in order.
Honestly I am not sure that they are in exactly the correct order. The different events that pounded into me that no one wants to hear about my problems did happen very young, but are they the reason for the underlying sense of shame, or was it there because of something else and then clicked in with the crying? You suck and that's why no one wants to listen to your problems.
I mean, I do know that I was ashamed of being fat, but looking back I sense that the shame was already there. I do know that the last crying-related incident (which was my brother offering me the candy bar to placate me) was about the same time I was learning that I was fat, which seems unfortunate.
With the slashes it is probably obvious that the messiest one is the driving thing. I do think it became a lot harder for me to trust then, but at the same time I can't swear that I was particularly trusting before, and my relationship with my father had problems before. Still, along with trust and issues relating to men that are almost certainly related to my father, driving is an actual problem.
Obviously I should have been taking better notes when I was growing up. Regardless, we're here now, and maybe it's because of the foundational relationship that I felt impressed by when looking at chakras, or maybe it's because I still have such a physiological reaction against driving, it feels like I need to address the earlier wounds before I can address the later one. Or maybe I will just need to work through the panic. That is also a possibility.
The good thing is that I feel like I have made a lot of progress on the shame thing. I believe I am better about knowing that I have a right to be here, and that I do good. I normally think that, and then I may have a bad moment with my family and it is amazing how low I can sink emotionally, except I still seem to have a better understanding that these types of conflicts are not necessarily a reflection on the worth of any of the participants. That's an improvement.
I still don't really love crying in front of other people. I think one problem with that is that I am so different from the rest of my family. The things that upset me, and the way I deal with them, are different, and so it's harder to feel like I am "normal" - as loaded a word as that is.
I do express myself a lot via the blog, which might be helpful, but it does tend to be more intellectual than emotional expression, and it is also out there for people to choose to read or not, which is not quite the same as opening yourself up to another person and having them accept that.
Dealing with my body size does directly relate to various things in the columns, so if that is the area that really needs to be addressed now, then the points I have mapped out are probably on track. I think the next two posts are going to address where my mind is about my body more.
With believing I can be loved, I am not sure what will be needed there. For example, I have adjusted my thinking now, where I can look at specific things and see cases where I believe there was a mutual attraction or caring. That is probably progress, but since even assuming that I am right, it was not important enough for them to act on it, does that make it less powerful? Also, do I actually need to have a non-platonic relationship to really be healed there, or is just knowing that I am capable enough? That is assuming that I am capable, which I have not really established. Some of the things that are coming up will address that too a little, though I might need to be done dealing with my body before I can get there.
Then after all of that we can see if some of the driving fears have faded away, or if it is still going to be really difficult. I am not opposed to doing something difficult if that is the case. It just feels like it needs to come last.
So those are the areas I will be keeping in the back of my mind while I am working on the problems, wants, to do list, and remembering books.

Band Review: Call Tracy

Call Tracy is a pop punk band from Prague.
I enjoyed listening to them. There were times when I thought they could be amped up more, especially for their earlier music, but I have listened to their July release, Golden Cage, a few times now, and I am pretty happy with it.
"Hard to Find" was the track that made the strongest impression on me, due to the way the vocals are used. They tinge the music with regret and nostalgia when the instruments would otherwise feel more aggressive.
The band has just returned from a tour playing several dates in Italy, Germany, Austria, and Switzerland, which they referred to as their first tour. This seems like an important milestone. For a band that has already produced solid work in the recording studio, being able to perform well live should open an exciting new phase for them.
Definitely worth checking out. Fans of Blink-182 may especially like.
https://www.facebook.com/calltracypoppunk/timeline?
http://calltracy.bandcamp.com/
http://calltracy.bigcartel.com/
https://twitter.com/CallTracypopunk

Band Review: Caleb Ryan

I have only been able to find one song by Caleb Ryan.
Initially I thought there were more, but if you follow the link from "Dreams" on iTunes to the profile, the rest of the songs are a different Caleb Ryan, whose sound is more acoustic and country. The "Dreams" Caleb Ryan, possibly better referred to as Caleb Freeken, creates electronic music and is from Utah instead of Texas.
It was odd to find the level of presence established with only one song, but it looks like Ryan started with streaming video games and creating other Youtube content, where the music is a more recent development.
So there is not a lot to review yet. I think "Dreams" sounds pretty good. If he can put out more songs of a similar quality he should do okay, especially by appealing to his existing fan base.
https://www.facebook.com/calebfreeken?_rdr=p
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLPgFSAchZBHDrk3vhmUdrw
https://itunes.apple.com/album/id955989612
https://twitter.com/Calebfreeken

This next section: To Do

Finally, here is the column of things that I feel like I need to do. Not all of them came in conjunction with specific things in the Problems and Wants columns. Some of them are even already done, which is comforting. There is still quite a bit to do.
I actually wrote about the whole paper that the columns came from in early June. I probably didn't dig deeply enough then, but maybe I needed to have the shallow look at it before I could get here.http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/06/things-to-do.html
To Do:
Make a Vision BoardThis seems like it should heavily incorporate the Wants, and it is something that I feel like I need to do, but I have a hard time picturing it. Part of it is that I am so verbal that when I am conceptualizing what I want, it is all words, but it feels important to come up with a visual representation as well.
Meet physical needsThis comes from the realization that when I am disconnected from my body I don't take care of it. It means letting myself have adequate sleep and proper nutrition, but also getting my shoulders looked at. It means not just listening to my body, but answering it affirmatively.
Moderate ChangesI have written about this before specifically in regards to making sure to get at least one serving of whole grains plus three different fruits or vegetables. I do better when I remember to do this, and it is also helpful if I make a point of eating every three hours, alternating meals and snacks. That takes a lot of planning, and I don't always manage it, but it helps and I want my physical needs met, so...http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/04/moderate-changes.html
Write a fat heroineI think I actually expressed the importance of this best after I drew my first comic and wrote about that. I didn't think specifically about someone who looks like me as much then, but I did see how you feel differently about a character, even when it's you, and how important things can come from that. http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/05/badly-drawn-girl-my-first-comic.html
I don't know when I will have time to do this specifically, but there are some changes that have already taken place that I think need to be treated separately. I think I will get there Tuesday.
Look at chakrasI did this one! And I am not a chakra expert, but the image it gave me, of building up from a firm foundation, has been important.
Month of reading screenplaysI did this one too! And it was a good experience where I learned a lot. I still have not written any screenplays since then. I started one, but I realized that the premise was too ridiculous for the serious tone. I haven't decided whether to be more or less ridiculous yet.
Create comics for other worksOkay, one of the options you have on Amazon Studios is to add storyboards, and because drawing and comics are important to me, I would like to add a drawn segment for each screenplay there. I would like to draw the near drowning segment in Family Ghosts also; maybe I could post it on Deviant Art or something. I don't know when I will get to this, but I am sure my drawing ability will make it frustrating. I will do it anyway.
Work on family historyI am on a pretty good flow for this. It is something where this current cycle will last for a few months, and then start another multi-month cycle, so this will go on for years, but I am pursuing it in a sustainable manner, which is what was needed.
Complete contacting singlesThis is something I have been working on for a few months, for making contact with all of the single adults in the ward. The people left have missing or wrong phone numbers, or they never answer, and so I am kind of stalled, but I think I know what to do next.
Throwback Thursdays and year of selfiesI am getting pretty close to the end of the throwbacks, and there have been some good insights here, some of which have had their own blog posts. I do have more clarity on the selfies, where I think they will need to be daily and not merely weekly, and starting on the Friday after the last throwback would make sense, except my camera just broke. Of course, people usually do selfies with phones anyway. Regardless, I do need to do a year of daily selfies, and technical issues may delay the start. That is for getting comfortable with my appearance.http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/05/no-more-good-pictures.htmlhttp://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-most-hated-photo.html
Transcribe mission journalsThere were some really hard times on my mission, some of them specifically pertaining to relationships with others, and with depression, and I think there will be something in going over them.
Bridgestone course, other driving classesThis would be to get comfortable with driving. In the other blog post I mention stunt driving courses and maybe going on a racetrack, but I don't know how available those would be, or how expensive they would be. This would be a course for getting used to different road conditions and knowing how to respond, and it seems practical.
Costumes and dress upI still don't know what this will mean. I have written about having given up on costumes because I don't like drawing attention to myself visually, but then does fighting that mean embracing those fears and freely being hideous? Does it mean trying to look good? Should I try a cosplay? Because I just missed ComicCon? Maybe it will be all of the above.http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/11/halloween-costumes.html
Reading listI have not spent enough time digesting the very long reading list. I have written out a column of the book titles next to my three columns, and I will start going over them again. I don't know that each book will get its own post, but I at least need to think about each book individually and see if I have more to say.http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2014/09/a-very-long-reading-list.html

This next section: Wants

Many of the wants came directly from the Problems section; if this is a problem, I want it fixed. Some of them are also things that I would just like to have. Maybe I have had them before, and liked them, and maybe sometimes they are things that I have never had but would like to try.
Wants:
Be connected to bodyI think I covered this enough yesterday.
See good in myselfThis is intended as a counter to the shame, in that if there is always this feeling that there is something wrong with me, then it could be helpful to remember what is right with me. It may not work. I remember being in a really bad place once and I did write out a whole page of things that were good about me, and I'm not sure it made much difference. Still, it could help.
TravelI love doing this so much, and I just can't afford it in this current state. I am so grateful that my sister did pay for me to go to Pennsylvania, but she can't keep doing that.
Have flying dreamsRemembering that this used to be a common thing and now it never happens, I feel - possibly mistakenly - that having that dream again would be a meaningful indicator of healing. It would mean I have gotten something back.
Be financially secureRight now it is not just that I don't have money for fun things; I am in constant dread on how I am going to pay for necessities. That may very well be the worst thing about my life right now.
Be able to giveThat being said, I am always seeing things where I want to be able to help. I have damaged myself sometimes by helping, and I am past that now, where I will really only give the money if I have it, but it's depressing not to have it.
Not have loneliness be a problemI am not sure whether this means not being lonely because I have companionship, or reconciling myself to a certain amount of solitude, but I want to be free from the pain of it.
Know my worthThis kind of goes with the shame, but also with the loneliness. I am always worried that I annoy people, and I frequently can't share the things that I want to share with anyone who is interested. Even if that is not intended as personal rejection, it feels like it, so add that to perpetual singleness and it can feel like I am this unwanted oddball. What I want is to at least have perspective on that, especially if it's them and not me, but even if it is me.
Be able to trustI can see really valid issues for not trusting, but I suspect that I am too untrusting. It isn't even always personal. I worry about whether enough people will bring food to a potluck, so will try and bring multiple things. A lot of my overfunctioning comes from there. I want to be better about that, even if all it means is deciding that sometimes it's not important what everyone else does.
Be okay with my appearancePreviously this would always have been losing weight, whether there was a specific number in mind or not. I would still love to be thinner, but I think it is more important to accept myself as I am. I don't think I can make any further progress until I do. The fat has always been a large factor in the shame.
Feel cherishedI am not officially saying that I want to be in a romantic relationship, but this would be something that I would have previously expected to get from that type of relationship. I don't know what those possibilities are; I just know that it's something that I want. I'm sure it is more fundamental that I value myself, but if I am honest about my desires then I want to be treasured by someone else. Maybe I have to treasure myself first. If I fully understood everything I wouldn't be writing about it.

This next section: Problems

I mentioned previously taking notes on a big sheet of paper. It helped, but it was also pretty disorganized, jotting things down as they occurred to me. I went through again and broke them down into three rough categories: problems, wants, and to do.
These are the things that I am going to be focusing on for this next round of self analysis and (I hope) progress. Nothing should be too  unfamiliar, but when I spread out writings so much, it is helpful sometimes to have an outline. This week the posts will be going over the three columns.
There is one other thing segment that ended up being written across the top, but I think I will get to that next Monday.
After that, going forward there will probably be many blog posts about these things, and there will be journal sessions that may not be replicated on the blog, and other experiences, but this is what I am looking at.
So many of them have already been at least partially covered that I am going to include links unless there is something new that I already know is new (as opposed to things that I have not figured out yet, but will). These posts will act as handy references while I am going through this.
Problems:
Disconnected from BodyI had actually made some progress here, and then slid back a bit. It is not automatic yet, so requires consistent effort.http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/01/getting-back-in-touch-with-my-body.html
Ashamed to cry, have negative emotionshttp://sporkful.blogspot.com/2014/12/a-week-of-sad-things.html
Ashamed in generalThis comes up in pieces in lots of places, but I'm not sure I have ever really delved into this persistent feeling that something about me is bad. That might be something I have to do.
FatThis one is kind of outdated. Well, this is a topic that will come up again.http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2008/01/sporky-pig.html
I don't believe I can be lovedhttp://sporkful.blogspot.com/2008/02/sporkphelia.htmlhttp://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/05/badly-drawn-girl-my-first-comic.html
Trouble trustingI'm not sure that I have any posts that are really clear on this. It comes up in fragments in other places.
Can't drivehttp://sporkful.blogspot.com/2008/01/sporkfuls-secret-shame.htmlhttp://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/09/things-i-am-not-working-on-driving.html
Worried about Momhttp://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/06/the-loneliest-part.html
Bad feelings about Dadhttp://sporkful.blogspot.com/2012/06/in-which-i-blame-my-father.htmlhttp://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/04/it-was-not-just-guitar.html
Nothing left for mehttp://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/04/something-left-for-me.html
Shoulders acheI did mention this a little in the previous post about the mattress. I did get a massage, but it focused on my neck, which had some issues left over from a soft tissue injury. I think it is less likely that it is fasciitis now and maybe shoulder impingement, but I need to ask my doctor about it. I am scared it will be expensive, because even when it's just co-pays, those can add up. But I have to do something. It really hurts. I don't know if any of it is emotional, but one time when I was thinking of my responsibilities, and worrying, it suddenly came to me "No wonder my shoulders ache!"
Feel burdenedhttp://sporkful.blogspot.com/2015/04/irony-and-grace.html

Band Review SNCKPCK

Snckpck does record songs, but it is probably better not to think of him as a band.
Landing on the home page the first thing you see is merch. Even once you start looking at albums, there is a definite theme in the graphics shown. I want to say the main product is cuteness, though that is kind of an oversimplification.
There are a lot of animals and bright colors and positivity. They are not always cute, but generally in that area. Tracks also feature animals a lot, and "beautiful" and "I love you" get used frequently. There is an intention of good-hearted innocence, often veering into silly and babyish, but I am sure it is sincere.
In many cases lyrics are more spoken than sung, and while there are some instrumental tracks that sound pretty good, the musical quality in general can be kind of grating. Occasional visits for a boost probably works better than extended listening.
If this is what interests you there is a lot of material out there, and it is all freely available.
http://snckpck.com/
http://snckpck.bandcamp.com/
https://twitter.com/SNCKPCK