Gina Harris's Blog, page 107
February 9, 2018
Band Review: Darell Christopher and the Ingredients
Darell Christopher and the Ingredients is the last of the bands I've been meaning to review from the Smithsonian article by Touré.
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/keeping-blues-alive-180960128/
It was fun to hear an interviewed Christopher mention the article and the featured festival both, as it had been a positive experience for the band.
During the interview Christopher also did some wordplay with "ingredients". Those are the band members, and it is the mixing together that creates the end result. The band has had to deal with one member relocating and another being in and out while attending college, but continue to work on assembling the "right" ingredients. One member's bass skills, or keyboard skills, or the sound of a particular instrument... those things become the key ingredients.
Having the right ingredients can be misunderstood. Instead of knowing that for this particular recipe you need these specific items, it is probably more that these elements we have are wonderful, and then figuring out what special thing can be made. It seems like a very good analogy for blues.
To be fair, they play more than blues, including elements of jazz, gospel, and rhythm & blues. It is nonetheless impossible to ignore the infectious delight when the band plays. Blues may start in sorrow, but it can be turned into joy, and with a good combination Darell Christopher and the Ingredients make that happen.
http://www.darellchristopherband.com/
https://www.facebook.com/DarellChristopherBand/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcEVSPYHJw8VbeRjHg5qCZQ
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/keeping-blues-alive-180960128/
It was fun to hear an interviewed Christopher mention the article and the featured festival both, as it had been a positive experience for the band.
During the interview Christopher also did some wordplay with "ingredients". Those are the band members, and it is the mixing together that creates the end result. The band has had to deal with one member relocating and another being in and out while attending college, but continue to work on assembling the "right" ingredients. One member's bass skills, or keyboard skills, or the sound of a particular instrument... those things become the key ingredients.
Having the right ingredients can be misunderstood. Instead of knowing that for this particular recipe you need these specific items, it is probably more that these elements we have are wonderful, and then figuring out what special thing can be made. It seems like a very good analogy for blues.
To be fair, they play more than blues, including elements of jazz, gospel, and rhythm & blues. It is nonetheless impossible to ignore the infectious delight when the band plays. Blues may start in sorrow, but it can be turned into joy, and with a good combination Darell Christopher and the Ingredients make that happen.
http://www.darellchristopherband.com/
https://www.facebook.com/DarellChristopherBand/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcEVSPYHJw8VbeRjHg5qCZQ
February 8, 2018
Band Review: IAMOMNI
For the purposes of this review, IAMOMNI is a vocalist and MC from Los Angeles.
It is clear from reading more that he does other things and goes other places. His debut album was produced in Los Angeles and Paris, and included contributors from London, Japan, and Australia. There is a very citizen-of-the-world feeling.
I specifically appreciated a greater level of musicality than is often found in hip hop. This is particularly noticeable with the piano on "Animal" (one of many enjoyable collaborations with Tiki Lewis) and the intro on "Power".
Beyond that, I loved that I wasn't constantly distracted by profanity and misogyny. That shouldn't be such a shock, and it definitely shouldn't require the artist being so cosmopolitan, but perhaps it makes sense that in this case that's how it worked out.
Definitely worth checking out.
https://www.iamomni.com/
https://www.facebook.com/IamOmni
https://www.youtube.com/user/iamomnitv
https://iamomni.bandcamp.com/
https://twitter.com/IAMOMNI
It is clear from reading more that he does other things and goes other places. His debut album was produced in Los Angeles and Paris, and included contributors from London, Japan, and Australia. There is a very citizen-of-the-world feeling.
I specifically appreciated a greater level of musicality than is often found in hip hop. This is particularly noticeable with the piano on "Animal" (one of many enjoyable collaborations with Tiki Lewis) and the intro on "Power".
Beyond that, I loved that I wasn't constantly distracted by profanity and misogyny. That shouldn't be such a shock, and it definitely shouldn't require the artist being so cosmopolitan, but perhaps it makes sense that in this case that's how it worked out.
Definitely worth checking out.
https://www.iamomni.com/
https://www.facebook.com/IamOmni
https://www.youtube.com/user/iamomnitv
https://iamomni.bandcamp.com/
https://twitter.com/IAMOMNI
February 7, 2018
NAMH 2017: Other books and media
You might expect this to just be all the books that aren't children's or comic books, but there are two twists.
The first twist is that I had tried a search for recommended children's books - without the lists - and I had found one that was pretty good. I like the list of awards and will be going back to it a lot, but random can work out too.
Corn is Maize: The Gift of the Indians by Aliki
This is really impressive on two levels. First of all, there is a ton of information given, but doled out appropriately enough that young readers and listeners should neither become overwhelmed or bored. That is not easy. In addition, as Aliki depicts different eras, the illustrations change to resemble period-appropriate artwork. It's subtle, and a really nice touch.
The World is One Place: Native American Poets Visit the Middle East, edited by Diane Glancy
My other innovation has been adding books of poetry, but I have had a hard time finding volumes by a single author. I,thought maybe an anthology would be a good start. This one was fascinating. Many of the contributors had been invited to a conference, with everything being canceled because it looked like of the participants was Jewish. In addition to being a stark reminder of the tensions in the Middle East, it ended up being many stranded poets having an opportunity to try something different, and explore and adapt. I enjoyed the poems and appreciated the notes from the individual authors on their processes and inspiration. It gave a fuller picture. While that should not be necessary with poetry, I still kind of like it.
Then there are "normal" books too.
Native Americans in Comic Books: A Critical Study by Michael A. Sheyahshe
Yes, I treated this one in great detail in Monday's post. Nonetheless, it is still a book I read. Also, if you remember the post "Down and Out", this was the book with the price change that caused so much angst. I did finally get it, and it was worth it.
Nobody Cries at Bingo by Dawn Dumont
This was my final bit of homage to the Women of the Four Winds tour. I did not have a way to review Dawn Dumont's comedy, but I could read her book. It was not as much consistent laughter as I thought a book by a stand-up comic might contain, so I feel I should warn that it is not a laugh riot. There is humor, but there is also a lot of hardship, and overcoming of that, too, but it's rough. It was a nice fit this year because I ended up in a lot of Canadian history, and Dumont is Canadian herself, and grew up on reservations there.
Killers of the Flower Moon: The Osage Murders and the Birth of the FBI by David Grann
This book is full of terrible people doing terrible things, but it is fantastically written. That's good. For people who like to believe that the problems with Indian poverty are the results of bad choices by the Indians, they should spend some time on the plundering, scheming, and collusion that happened for the purpose of taking Osage money. They weren't even on a reservation; they bought the land in advance as they realized it would not be long before settlers were going to want their land. They bought the land, got set up on there, and then oil was found. Enter the crooks, liars, and murderers when that wasn't enough. And they weren't poor desperate people either. They were rich respected people who still wanted more. This is an angry-making book.
Separate Beds: A History of Indian Hospitals in Canada, 1920s to 1980s by Maureen K. Lux
First of all, I had not known how brutal some tuberculosis remedies have been historically. As tuberculosis has since come up in some other books that I have been reading for other reasons, it is helpful to know more, but medicine can be really cruel, and it is more likely to be cruel with non-white patients. I chose this book because I saw the "separate" in the title, and since I will soon be reading Medical Apartheid, I thought there might be some correlation. There probably will be, but on its own it is pretty sickening.
Now for that other twist: I found Separate Beds on a list, 150 Acts of Reconciliation for the last 150 days of Canada's 150, referring to the celebration of Canada's 150th Anniversary.
http://activehistory.ca/2017/08/150-acts-of-reconciliation-for-the-last-150-days-of-canadas-150/
It had been tweeted with a suggestion to take the class Indigenous Canada. The course was from the University of Alberta, but available through Coursera. I thought that would be perfect; I would get started on study, and I love online courses, and it just made sense. As I finished that course, Aboriginal Worldviews and Education from University of Toronto was suggested. I took that too.
That is why this year's Native American Heritage Month (which pretty much ran from September through January) was so Canadian. Both classes and two of the books were very Canadian, and there are similarities to our US issues, but there are differences also.
Next week I will write about some of the thoughts I had during that, and how things came together, but there is one thought that came up a lot and that is worth mentioning now.
When we came over they should have just killed us all.
Natives should have slaughtered everyone at Jamestown, and let the Pilgrims starve, and killed anyone trying to settle.
I say that liking being alive and liking living where I do, and knowing that the slaughter would be terrible, and it would just bring more people with more weapons, probably. The Vikings gave up.
I'm just saying there has been a lot of bad. We can move forward from there, but we're going to have to acknowledge past and present bad to get there.
The first twist is that I had tried a search for recommended children's books - without the lists - and I had found one that was pretty good. I like the list of awards and will be going back to it a lot, but random can work out too.
Corn is Maize: The Gift of the Indians by Aliki
This is really impressive on two levels. First of all, there is a ton of information given, but doled out appropriately enough that young readers and listeners should neither become overwhelmed or bored. That is not easy. In addition, as Aliki depicts different eras, the illustrations change to resemble period-appropriate artwork. It's subtle, and a really nice touch.
The World is One Place: Native American Poets Visit the Middle East, edited by Diane Glancy
My other innovation has been adding books of poetry, but I have had a hard time finding volumes by a single author. I,thought maybe an anthology would be a good start. This one was fascinating. Many of the contributors had been invited to a conference, with everything being canceled because it looked like of the participants was Jewish. In addition to being a stark reminder of the tensions in the Middle East, it ended up being many stranded poets having an opportunity to try something different, and explore and adapt. I enjoyed the poems and appreciated the notes from the individual authors on their processes and inspiration. It gave a fuller picture. While that should not be necessary with poetry, I still kind of like it.
Then there are "normal" books too.
Native Americans in Comic Books: A Critical Study by Michael A. Sheyahshe
Yes, I treated this one in great detail in Monday's post. Nonetheless, it is still a book I read. Also, if you remember the post "Down and Out", this was the book with the price change that caused so much angst. I did finally get it, and it was worth it.
Nobody Cries at Bingo by Dawn Dumont
This was my final bit of homage to the Women of the Four Winds tour. I did not have a way to review Dawn Dumont's comedy, but I could read her book. It was not as much consistent laughter as I thought a book by a stand-up comic might contain, so I feel I should warn that it is not a laugh riot. There is humor, but there is also a lot of hardship, and overcoming of that, too, but it's rough. It was a nice fit this year because I ended up in a lot of Canadian history, and Dumont is Canadian herself, and grew up on reservations there.
Killers of the Flower Moon: The Osage Murders and the Birth of the FBI by David Grann
This book is full of terrible people doing terrible things, but it is fantastically written. That's good. For people who like to believe that the problems with Indian poverty are the results of bad choices by the Indians, they should spend some time on the plundering, scheming, and collusion that happened for the purpose of taking Osage money. They weren't even on a reservation; they bought the land in advance as they realized it would not be long before settlers were going to want their land. They bought the land, got set up on there, and then oil was found. Enter the crooks, liars, and murderers when that wasn't enough. And they weren't poor desperate people either. They were rich respected people who still wanted more. This is an angry-making book.
Separate Beds: A History of Indian Hospitals in Canada, 1920s to 1980s by Maureen K. Lux
First of all, I had not known how brutal some tuberculosis remedies have been historically. As tuberculosis has since come up in some other books that I have been reading for other reasons, it is helpful to know more, but medicine can be really cruel, and it is more likely to be cruel with non-white patients. I chose this book because I saw the "separate" in the title, and since I will soon be reading Medical Apartheid, I thought there might be some correlation. There probably will be, but on its own it is pretty sickening.
Now for that other twist: I found Separate Beds on a list, 150 Acts of Reconciliation for the last 150 days of Canada's 150, referring to the celebration of Canada's 150th Anniversary.
http://activehistory.ca/2017/08/150-acts-of-reconciliation-for-the-last-150-days-of-canadas-150/
It had been tweeted with a suggestion to take the class Indigenous Canada. The course was from the University of Alberta, but available through Coursera. I thought that would be perfect; I would get started on study, and I love online courses, and it just made sense. As I finished that course, Aboriginal Worldviews and Education from University of Toronto was suggested. I took that too.
That is why this year's Native American Heritage Month (which pretty much ran from September through January) was so Canadian. Both classes and two of the books were very Canadian, and there are similarities to our US issues, but there are differences also.
Next week I will write about some of the thoughts I had during that, and how things came together, but there is one thought that came up a lot and that is worth mentioning now.
When we came over they should have just killed us all.
Natives should have slaughtered everyone at Jamestown, and let the Pilgrims starve, and killed anyone trying to settle.
I say that liking being alive and liking living where I do, and knowing that the slaughter would be terrible, and it would just bring more people with more weapons, probably. The Vikings gave up.
I'm just saying there has been a lot of bad. We can move forward from there, but we're going to have to acknowledge past and present bad to get there.
February 6, 2018
NAHM 2017: Children's books
My interest in children's books is a fairly recent development, starting with an interest in the art. As I began to have more experience reading to children that interest deepened, because I started to see whole new levels of effectiveness when pitted against the attention span of a two year old.
Once that became a thing, wanting to fold children's books into the special reading months was also an obvious next step, similar to adding in the comic books. Sources could have been more difficult, but I have a sister who teaches kindergarten, and constantly has to take additional classes for job development.
She came back from one with a handout, I believe intended for librarians: "Your Patrons Need Diverse Books: The Care & Keeping of a Diverse Collection", with nine pages of resources for finding diverse books. These are primarily groups, usually with web sites, that give awards to books in various categories.
Awesome.
And somewhat less awesome, because it does not appear to be online anywhere, which I fear will disappoint some readers.
Still, it is a good resource for me, and something that I will slowly work my way through.
They are not all specifically children's books. Actually, I will probably not check out all of them. I support diversity in BDSM and erotica on principle, but they're not really my genres. Still, it's good that someone is paying attention to diversity issues.
I will probably check out the Coretta Scott King Book Awards soon, probably closely followed by the Schneider Family Book Awards and the Asian Pacific American Awards for Literature. For today, I want to focus on four books honored by the American Indian Youth Literature Awards, awarded every two years for the "best writing and illustrations by and about American Indians" in the categories of Picture Book, Middle School, and Young Adult:
http://ailanet.org/activities/american-indian-youth-literature-award/
Beaver Steals Fire: A Salish Coyote Story, by Confederated Salish and Kootenai Tribes. Illustrated by Sam Sandoval.
The author credit was interesting in that the book was written according to a traditional telling. There was someone who wrote it, and who gets credit inside, but the general impression is that story belongs to the people.
The lack of embellishment makes the telling a little stiff, and Frog getting eaten by Snake just happens, without any extra meaning on point in it. However, the story is part of a larger curriculum with other materials on traditional methods of fire management and so can be used really well.
The Christmas Coat: Memories of my Sioux Childhood by Virginia Driving Hawk Sneve. Illustrated by Ellen Beier.
In the waiting rooms of pediatricians there were always stories about being selfless and being rewarded, and I liked them then. Here it hurt me a little. She is rewarded for being willing to give up the coat that she needs, and in a way that makes sense, but I think too many years of giving things up has made me unable to view this through the eyes of a child.
Even if I didn't love the first two stories, the artwork was beautiful, and the stories have value. But I like the next two better.
A Coyote Solstice Tale by Thomas King. Illustrated by Gary Clement.
I love the update of bringing Coyote (and other animals) into the modern era, and having them baffled and intrigued by a mall. Coyote behaves exactly as he should, and there is a lesson and there is humor, and there is some sweetness for all that.
Little You by Richard Van Camp. Illustrated by Julie Flett.
I loved this one so much that I kept going back to it and finding new details.
It is essentially a very simple book, with short rhymes singing the delight of a new child as the pictures show her growing and being adored by her parents. Despite the simplicity of the words, the joy in familial love is so strong that I can imagine children who have aged into more sophisticated reading still enjoying it. It is very well-done.
Beyond that, the book is such a triumph of representation. The family appears to be Native American, with brown skin and black hear and wearing non era-specific contemporary clothing. None of that should be distracting or alienating for non-Indigenous readers, and no one would blink if the family were white.
But it is an Indian girl, and she is adored and beautiful and prioritized, who means the world to her parents, and that is a priceless image. It is easy to forget how many missing and murdered indigenous women there are, and how hard it can be to even get justice pursued. I don't want to be thinking about murder when I am reading a children's book, and I am not exactly, but the background knowledge is there, and seeing this little girl cherished was important to me.
The other books are fine, but Little You is a treasure.
And I only found it because the American Indian Library Association gives awards.
Once that became a thing, wanting to fold children's books into the special reading months was also an obvious next step, similar to adding in the comic books. Sources could have been more difficult, but I have a sister who teaches kindergarten, and constantly has to take additional classes for job development.
She came back from one with a handout, I believe intended for librarians: "Your Patrons Need Diverse Books: The Care & Keeping of a Diverse Collection", with nine pages of resources for finding diverse books. These are primarily groups, usually with web sites, that give awards to books in various categories.
Awesome.
And somewhat less awesome, because it does not appear to be online anywhere, which I fear will disappoint some readers.
Still, it is a good resource for me, and something that I will slowly work my way through.
They are not all specifically children's books. Actually, I will probably not check out all of them. I support diversity in BDSM and erotica on principle, but they're not really my genres. Still, it's good that someone is paying attention to diversity issues.
I will probably check out the Coretta Scott King Book Awards soon, probably closely followed by the Schneider Family Book Awards and the Asian Pacific American Awards for Literature. For today, I want to focus on four books honored by the American Indian Youth Literature Awards, awarded every two years for the "best writing and illustrations by and about American Indians" in the categories of Picture Book, Middle School, and Young Adult:
http://ailanet.org/activities/american-indian-youth-literature-award/
Beaver Steals Fire: A Salish Coyote Story, by Confederated Salish and Kootenai Tribes. Illustrated by Sam Sandoval.
The author credit was interesting in that the book was written according to a traditional telling. There was someone who wrote it, and who gets credit inside, but the general impression is that story belongs to the people.
The lack of embellishment makes the telling a little stiff, and Frog getting eaten by Snake just happens, without any extra meaning on point in it. However, the story is part of a larger curriculum with other materials on traditional methods of fire management and so can be used really well.
The Christmas Coat: Memories of my Sioux Childhood by Virginia Driving Hawk Sneve. Illustrated by Ellen Beier.
In the waiting rooms of pediatricians there were always stories about being selfless and being rewarded, and I liked them then. Here it hurt me a little. She is rewarded for being willing to give up the coat that she needs, and in a way that makes sense, but I think too many years of giving things up has made me unable to view this through the eyes of a child.
Even if I didn't love the first two stories, the artwork was beautiful, and the stories have value. But I like the next two better.
A Coyote Solstice Tale by Thomas King. Illustrated by Gary Clement.
I love the update of bringing Coyote (and other animals) into the modern era, and having them baffled and intrigued by a mall. Coyote behaves exactly as he should, and there is a lesson and there is humor, and there is some sweetness for all that.
Little You by Richard Van Camp. Illustrated by Julie Flett.
I loved this one so much that I kept going back to it and finding new details.
It is essentially a very simple book, with short rhymes singing the delight of a new child as the pictures show her growing and being adored by her parents. Despite the simplicity of the words, the joy in familial love is so strong that I can imagine children who have aged into more sophisticated reading still enjoying it. It is very well-done.
Beyond that, the book is such a triumph of representation. The family appears to be Native American, with brown skin and black hear and wearing non era-specific contemporary clothing. None of that should be distracting or alienating for non-Indigenous readers, and no one would blink if the family were white.
But it is an Indian girl, and she is adored and beautiful and prioritized, who means the world to her parents, and that is a priceless image. It is easy to forget how many missing and murdered indigenous women there are, and how hard it can be to even get justice pursued. I don't want to be thinking about murder when I am reading a children's book, and I am not exactly, but the background knowledge is there, and seeing this little girl cherished was important to me.
The other books are fine, but Little You is a treasure.
And I only found it because the American Indian Library Association gives awards.
February 5, 2018
NAMH 2017: Comic Books
I did finish my Native American Heritage Month before Black History Month, and I started that list, so hey, I am doing pretty well.
However, there were things about the month that were different this time. I am going to go in a different order, some of which is to avoid building too much momentum before I am ready to get to it. There's a lot.
It works well for this because last week I was writing on comic related thoughts, so going over the comic book portion of my Native American Heritage reading today can make for a nice transition.
Last year I held off from reading Michael A. Sheyahshe's Native Americans in Comic Books: A Critical Study. I decided at the time that it would give me too much to read, and I didn't have the time for it then, catching up on all my other comics backlog. This year I believed that reading it would point the way to lots of comics and I was excited to dive into them. That was not exactly how it worked out.
I did find titles that interested me. Many of them were not easily available, though I was able to get a couple of interesting anthologies from our library by searching on author names:
Moonshot: The Indigenous Comics Collection, Volume 1
Graphic Classics, Volume 24: Native American Classics
Sheyahshe was a contributor on Moonshot. Also, reading his book made me view Graphic Classics much more critically.
Nothing was contemporary in Graphics Classics. Based on reading it, Native Americans are relegated strictly to the past.
I would not have thought about that before. It is respectful in many ways, and the subjects are treated sensitively. Offensive speech stereotypes (like "heap" and "ugh") were not used, and different people were allowed to have distinct personalities, so it could have been much worse. There was just no place for imagining that they continue into modern times and belong there.
(Moonshot, in contrast, had two science fiction stories setting Indians into the future and on other planets.)
Perhaps it's time to return to Blue Corn Comics:
http://www.bluecorncomics.com/
I have looked for reading material there before, but there is so much that it is overwhelming, and it is often not clear what the quality of any particular title is. I can find titles there, and I have titles I am interested in from reading Sheyahshe's book, but in addition I need a clearly defined goal.
Reading older literature that honors the history while relegating Indians to the past can have value, but it needs to be done with an awareness of that. Even reading the work with harmful stereotypes could be useful in terms of remembering how mindsets have been.
Every year I try and work within designated months and turn my attention toward groups who contributions are often overlooked. That's been working out for me, and I like that.
I also like comic books, and so incorporating reading comic books along with regular books is also something that seems reasonable.
Do I want those comic books to teach me history? Do I want them to reflect the contemporary culture? Do I want the focus to be on making sure that I am reading work by indigenous creators, and supporting that they get a voice too?
I think I am leaning toward the third one. Some of that is probably remembering how much I hated Scalped, and then how off it felt to find out it was written by a white guy. I mean, what was the point of him writing it?
I have no idea what I am going to find next year when November rolls around again. (I hope I can finally find a copy of Darkness Calls.) Regardless, I know that I have better tools for evaluating what I read now, and I appreciate that.
And, if you get a chance to check out Moonshot, do so. Some of the artwork is absolutely luminous.
For more from Michael Sheyahshe: https://bottr.me/michaelsheyahshe
However, there were things about the month that were different this time. I am going to go in a different order, some of which is to avoid building too much momentum before I am ready to get to it. There's a lot.
It works well for this because last week I was writing on comic related thoughts, so going over the comic book portion of my Native American Heritage reading today can make for a nice transition.
Last year I held off from reading Michael A. Sheyahshe's Native Americans in Comic Books: A Critical Study. I decided at the time that it would give me too much to read, and I didn't have the time for it then, catching up on all my other comics backlog. This year I believed that reading it would point the way to lots of comics and I was excited to dive into them. That was not exactly how it worked out.
I did find titles that interested me. Many of them were not easily available, though I was able to get a couple of interesting anthologies from our library by searching on author names:
Moonshot: The Indigenous Comics Collection, Volume 1
Graphic Classics, Volume 24: Native American Classics
Sheyahshe was a contributor on Moonshot. Also, reading his book made me view Graphic Classics much more critically.
Nothing was contemporary in Graphics Classics. Based on reading it, Native Americans are relegated strictly to the past.
I would not have thought about that before. It is respectful in many ways, and the subjects are treated sensitively. Offensive speech stereotypes (like "heap" and "ugh") were not used, and different people were allowed to have distinct personalities, so it could have been much worse. There was just no place for imagining that they continue into modern times and belong there.
(Moonshot, in contrast, had two science fiction stories setting Indians into the future and on other planets.)
Perhaps it's time to return to Blue Corn Comics:
http://www.bluecorncomics.com/
I have looked for reading material there before, but there is so much that it is overwhelming, and it is often not clear what the quality of any particular title is. I can find titles there, and I have titles I am interested in from reading Sheyahshe's book, but in addition I need a clearly defined goal.
Reading older literature that honors the history while relegating Indians to the past can have value, but it needs to be done with an awareness of that. Even reading the work with harmful stereotypes could be useful in terms of remembering how mindsets have been.
Every year I try and work within designated months and turn my attention toward groups who contributions are often overlooked. That's been working out for me, and I like that.
I also like comic books, and so incorporating reading comic books along with regular books is also something that seems reasonable.
Do I want those comic books to teach me history? Do I want them to reflect the contemporary culture? Do I want the focus to be on making sure that I am reading work by indigenous creators, and supporting that they get a voice too?
I think I am leaning toward the third one. Some of that is probably remembering how much I hated Scalped, and then how off it felt to find out it was written by a white guy. I mean, what was the point of him writing it?
I have no idea what I am going to find next year when November rolls around again. (I hope I can finally find a copy of Darkness Calls.) Regardless, I know that I have better tools for evaluating what I read now, and I appreciate that.
And, if you get a chance to check out Moonshot, do so. Some of the artwork is absolutely luminous.
For more from Michael Sheyahshe: https://bottr.me/michaelsheyahshe
February 2, 2018
Band Review: Esperanza Spalding
Esperanza Spalding is really good at what she does, but also I hate it. I don't feel good about this.
I first became aware of Spalding while look for other versions of "Throw It Away". I was excited to see that she was from Portland and so well-regarded, so that seemed like a good reason to review her.
That was 2015.
I have tried before now, but I keep getting tripped up on how much I hate the music. Specifically, I seem to hate jazz.
Before an Iggy Pop concert (where I hated the opening act), my friend and I started talking about musical mastery and taste, which made it natural for me to mention Spalding. My friend was familiar with her because Prince has spoken so well of her with regard to jazz and her musicianship. That made me feel more like I should be able to listen and appreciate her, but I still can't.
However, the point I had been making in that conversation was about knowing that there were things that I was missing in jazz, and that Esperanza Spalding would probably know. I believe that she is good at it, even if I don't like it.
I still have not learned to appreciate jazz, but I can appreciate that my lack has nothing to do with her abilities.
And lots of people do like jazz.
If you like jazz, you should check her out.
http://www.esperanzaspalding.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_ghFm78RhT2eg6rPIVHRVg
https://twitter.com/EspeSpalding
I first became aware of Spalding while look for other versions of "Throw It Away". I was excited to see that she was from Portland and so well-regarded, so that seemed like a good reason to review her.
That was 2015.
I have tried before now, but I keep getting tripped up on how much I hate the music. Specifically, I seem to hate jazz.
Before an Iggy Pop concert (where I hated the opening act), my friend and I started talking about musical mastery and taste, which made it natural for me to mention Spalding. My friend was familiar with her because Prince has spoken so well of her with regard to jazz and her musicianship. That made me feel more like I should be able to listen and appreciate her, but I still can't.
However, the point I had been making in that conversation was about knowing that there were things that I was missing in jazz, and that Esperanza Spalding would probably know. I believe that she is good at it, even if I don't like it.
I still have not learned to appreciate jazz, but I can appreciate that my lack has nothing to do with her abilities.
And lots of people do like jazz.
If you like jazz, you should check her out.
http://www.esperanzaspalding.com/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_ghFm78RhT2eg6rPIVHRVg
https://twitter.com/EspeSpalding
February 1, 2018
Band Review: E.O.K.
This is really because of Contagious MindzZ. That was the Twitter follow I got.
When I looked closer, it appeared to be a label instead of a band. It's not generally possible or desirable to review all of the bands on a label, especially if technical problems have caused you to be about a month behind on reviews. However, at the Youtube channel it looked like most of the videos were from E.O.K.. Reviewing one band is possible, though I can't help but feel like I should try and get to Po-Yo later.
Beyond that, there isn't a lot to report. I don't see much information about individual performers or the label.
E.O.K. is pretty listenable, lying somewhere between rap and R&B. "No Frauds Too Many Years" and "Good Life Swalla" are reactions, filling out the rap end of the spectrum, but for all that is spoken "Take It Away" reminds me more of Al Green, and it makes me uncomfortable defining E.O.K. as rap.
For all of that, "Goddess" is probably the most interesting track, with unusual choices of effects, including an ill-humored laugh. It is interesting and distinctive, but not my favorite. That is probably "Headphones".
E.O.K. has six tracks available on Spotify, but it looks like the Youtube channel has more options, and it also gives you a chance to give some attention to Po-Yo.
https://www.facebook.com/Contagious-MindzZ-Inc-151238641592392/
https://www.youtube.com/ContagiousMindzZ
https://twitter.com/BoutItMen
When I looked closer, it appeared to be a label instead of a band. It's not generally possible or desirable to review all of the bands on a label, especially if technical problems have caused you to be about a month behind on reviews. However, at the Youtube channel it looked like most of the videos were from E.O.K.. Reviewing one band is possible, though I can't help but feel like I should try and get to Po-Yo later.
Beyond that, there isn't a lot to report. I don't see much information about individual performers or the label.
E.O.K. is pretty listenable, lying somewhere between rap and R&B. "No Frauds Too Many Years" and "Good Life Swalla" are reactions, filling out the rap end of the spectrum, but for all that is spoken "Take It Away" reminds me more of Al Green, and it makes me uncomfortable defining E.O.K. as rap.
For all of that, "Goddess" is probably the most interesting track, with unusual choices of effects, including an ill-humored laugh. It is interesting and distinctive, but not my favorite. That is probably "Headphones".
E.O.K. has six tracks available on Spotify, but it looks like the Youtube channel has more options, and it also gives you a chance to give some attention to Po-Yo.
https://www.facebook.com/Contagious-MindzZ-Inc-151238641592392/
https://www.youtube.com/ContagiousMindzZ
https://twitter.com/BoutItMen
January 31, 2018
The power of kindness
I have been thinking about comic book origins besides The Crow.
I recently got to read a collection of classic The Champions (Marvel), featuring Hercules, Ghost Rider, Iceman, Angel, Black Widow, and some Dark Star, which is why I had been interested in the first place. I'll get to that.
The first arc threw me, because there were Hercules and Hippolyta, and those are DC characters too, with similarities and differences. Okay, these are the Marvel versions, and they aren't quite like their Roman versions either. No surprises there.
(I just saw Thor: Ragnarok so thinking about mythology as reinterpreted by comic books is its own topic.)
The team origins were interesting, in that the intent was to be there for the little guy, instead of fighting all of these epic battles, and then they kept fighting epic battles. I wondered if maybe they were trying to do what Heroes for Hire did, except that the Heroes for Hire arcs I have read have all been pretty epic too. I have seen one scene of four people working out of a small office, and that was in a Spiderman collection, and they were not the only guests in that story.
Doing some research, well, if Champions was not in line with their stated goal, they were even farther from the original vision. Tony Isabella had wanted it to be two superheroes on the road, like the television show Route 66. It ended up being more of a team book, under some pressure, with specific criteria for what types needed to fill out the team.
This was also the first I had read of Ghost Rider, and there was some interesting information there too.
Tony Isabella had introduced a character called The Friend who was basically a hippie Jesus, though not identified by name. Given Ghost Rider's origins and conflict, that was not an unreasonable inclusion, and it was important to Isabella specifically because there was a lot of infernal representation but nothing celestial. An assistant editor got offended and changed it so that the friend was revealed as a demon in disguise.
"To this day, I consider what he did to my story one of the three most arrogant and wrongheaded actions I've ever seen from an editor."
There are some frustrations to working for the big comic houses, but there are for anything.
Something else unexpected was that I associated the series with Bill Mantlo. He worked on several issues, but some of that may have been that a lot of different creators were rotated in, at least partially because the series was always running late. I can't help but wonder if the deadline issues came from the interference and frustrations of the creators. That could make it hard to keep a team going. All of the subs wouldn't necessarily be great for continuity or quality either, but it could be a great place to cut teeth and expand abilities. There are silver linings.
Those are all just kind of interesting things for me, but there is also a story about how I even came to read it.
The book was a gift from Brian. I met Brian through Twitter, but that was because of Murilo, which was only because of Moon and Ba, because of The Umbrella Academy. Nonetheless, I was once able to update a booth location for Murilo, and Brian is a friend, and has given me comics advice.
Brian knew that I wanted the book because of Gin, who is always trying to get people helping each other, but that included having people share their Amazon wish lists around Christmas, because maybe we could give to each other. I think that's why he originally saw that I wanted it, but he remembered because I liked a post of his about Mantlo's birthday.
Beyond that, I had put that specific issue on my wish list because of Steve Morris, who writes about comics and loves Dark Star, and had posted good issues for reading more about her. There were things I could find and things I couldn't. The Champions Classic can be hard to find, but Brian had a copy, and he was willing to give it to me.
Yesterday's post probably needed a conclusion, about how life is messy, and being human is hard. Sometimes we find our balance by shifting too far in every direction and correcting as we can, so sometimes anger is needed, and maybe even hate, or selfishness, even if there are not areas where we should spend too much time hanging out.
We can make that easier for each other. It's easy to worry about all that we can't do, but that's a waste of time because fairly small things, like likes and retweets and taking a moment to look something up can be huge.
It would be easy to miss too, but that it is a great loss. It is so valuable to look and see that there is a person, a potential friend, a human being, a child of God, a sibling of your spirit. Great things start with just being able to see that.
I recently got to read a collection of classic The Champions (Marvel), featuring Hercules, Ghost Rider, Iceman, Angel, Black Widow, and some Dark Star, which is why I had been interested in the first place. I'll get to that.
The first arc threw me, because there were Hercules and Hippolyta, and those are DC characters too, with similarities and differences. Okay, these are the Marvel versions, and they aren't quite like their Roman versions either. No surprises there.
(I just saw Thor: Ragnarok so thinking about mythology as reinterpreted by comic books is its own topic.)
The team origins were interesting, in that the intent was to be there for the little guy, instead of fighting all of these epic battles, and then they kept fighting epic battles. I wondered if maybe they were trying to do what Heroes for Hire did, except that the Heroes for Hire arcs I have read have all been pretty epic too. I have seen one scene of four people working out of a small office, and that was in a Spiderman collection, and they were not the only guests in that story.
Doing some research, well, if Champions was not in line with their stated goal, they were even farther from the original vision. Tony Isabella had wanted it to be two superheroes on the road, like the television show Route 66. It ended up being more of a team book, under some pressure, with specific criteria for what types needed to fill out the team.
This was also the first I had read of Ghost Rider, and there was some interesting information there too.
Tony Isabella had introduced a character called The Friend who was basically a hippie Jesus, though not identified by name. Given Ghost Rider's origins and conflict, that was not an unreasonable inclusion, and it was important to Isabella specifically because there was a lot of infernal representation but nothing celestial. An assistant editor got offended and changed it so that the friend was revealed as a demon in disguise.
"To this day, I consider what he did to my story one of the three most arrogant and wrongheaded actions I've ever seen from an editor."
There are some frustrations to working for the big comic houses, but there are for anything.
Something else unexpected was that I associated the series with Bill Mantlo. He worked on several issues, but some of that may have been that a lot of different creators were rotated in, at least partially because the series was always running late. I can't help but wonder if the deadline issues came from the interference and frustrations of the creators. That could make it hard to keep a team going. All of the subs wouldn't necessarily be great for continuity or quality either, but it could be a great place to cut teeth and expand abilities. There are silver linings.
Those are all just kind of interesting things for me, but there is also a story about how I even came to read it.
The book was a gift from Brian. I met Brian through Twitter, but that was because of Murilo, which was only because of Moon and Ba, because of The Umbrella Academy. Nonetheless, I was once able to update a booth location for Murilo, and Brian is a friend, and has given me comics advice.
Brian knew that I wanted the book because of Gin, who is always trying to get people helping each other, but that included having people share their Amazon wish lists around Christmas, because maybe we could give to each other. I think that's why he originally saw that I wanted it, but he remembered because I liked a post of his about Mantlo's birthday.
Beyond that, I had put that specific issue on my wish list because of Steve Morris, who writes about comics and loves Dark Star, and had posted good issues for reading more about her. There were things I could find and things I couldn't. The Champions Classic can be hard to find, but Brian had a copy, and he was willing to give it to me.
Yesterday's post probably needed a conclusion, about how life is messy, and being human is hard. Sometimes we find our balance by shifting too far in every direction and correcting as we can, so sometimes anger is needed, and maybe even hate, or selfishness, even if there are not areas where we should spend too much time hanging out.
We can make that easier for each other. It's easy to worry about all that we can't do, but that's a waste of time because fairly small things, like likes and retweets and taking a moment to look something up can be huge.
It would be easy to miss too, but that it is a great loss. It is so valuable to look and see that there is a person, a potential friend, a human being, a child of God, a sibling of your spirit. Great things start with just being able to see that.
January 30, 2018
The power of not hate
I hope yesterday didn't sound like I am in favor of hate and anger as long-term strategies. If that wasn't clear enough, let me talk about The Crow for a little bit.
I have not seen the movie (though I have seen some riveting clips set to music). I have been reminded lately of how much it influenced people, with contemporary comic characters and Halloween costumes showing up in my timeline. I also am trying to get around to different important comics, so I went looking for the original Crow comic by James O'Barr. The library didn't have that, but they did have an anthology that looked interesting, so I checked it out.
The Crow: Shattered Lives & Broken Dreams, edited by James O'Barr and Edward E. Kramer.
That title is pretty descriptive, but I thought it would be more comics. Instead it was short stories, poetry, and artwork. Also, some of the contributors were really interesting to me, especially Henry Rollins.
I love his spoken word, where he is charming and funny and sweet, even though he still self-describes as angry and I believe him. I don't really like him so much as a musician, with the undiluted discordant anger. (That is more of an issue with Black Flag than his solo work, but still.) His poetry is somewhere in between, angry, but not so overwhelmingly so that you are pounded away from the message. That seems about right.
The poems were generally pretty good, but those stories were hard. Sometimes in the middle of reading one I would wonder what was wrong with this person, and then I would look up the contributor's bio, and it often made more sense. Regardless, story after story about bloody revenge for rape and murder can wear you down.
That made me start wondering more about the original source material, and the loyalty it inspired in people. A lot of these stories read as fan fiction, and Eric Draven has fans. He has lots of fans.
Digging around a little, I saw that O'Barr himself wrote the comic after his fiancee was killed by a drunk driver. He hoped it would be cathartic, but "It made me more self-destructive, if anything... There is pure anger on each page."
With the anthology, I couldn't help but notice that most often the revenge trips didn't really set things right. It multiplied the total number of deaths, but nothing was fixed or healed. I thought the purpose of coming back was to set things right.
(As it was, I think the best of the stories was "The Blood-Red Sea" by Chet Williams, where the poet Homer chooses to forgo killing his last two murderers and instead to pass on his newest poem to a new listener.)
Things may get set right in the comic and in the movie, and maybe that was part of why it resonated for people. If readers and watchers had reasons to be angry - maybe needed permission to be angry - perhaps it helped with that.
But it didn't help James O'Barr. It won't always help. But I still believe that there should be something that could help him, and I would want that for him.
This feels like a lot of beating around the bush. Let me see if I can find a point.
I often will say that something is worth thinking about or needs to be thought about. I refrain from saying what the conclusion of the thoughts should be. That would often take a value judgment, which I try not to overdo, but also, sometimes you might reject something that you are simply told, but find its truthfulness by following a path that leads to it.
The need to think about things isn't anything new - we attribute "The unexamined life is not worth living" to Socrates - but what should we be examining?
Here is my value judgment: we should be looking for what is true, and what will make us happy.
People can wax very philosophical about truth. I acknowledge that there are things we can't know, and things we shouldn't know yet, but I believe in science and I believe in logic and I believe in the Holy Ghost, and I say that there is a lot we can know and we should live up to that.
People can be very skeptical about happiness, and there are reasons for that. I think about it more now because I am becoming more aware of people who specifically reject it. That's not that they know they have to give up something that stands in the way of their happiness, but that they specifically choose being unhappy because it seems stronger or smarter or something. That tends to increase the misery of others in multiple ways. Don't do that.
Anyway, think about it.
https://www.paypal.me/sultryglebe
I have not seen the movie (though I have seen some riveting clips set to music). I have been reminded lately of how much it influenced people, with contemporary comic characters and Halloween costumes showing up in my timeline. I also am trying to get around to different important comics, so I went looking for the original Crow comic by James O'Barr. The library didn't have that, but they did have an anthology that looked interesting, so I checked it out.
The Crow: Shattered Lives & Broken Dreams, edited by James O'Barr and Edward E. Kramer.
That title is pretty descriptive, but I thought it would be more comics. Instead it was short stories, poetry, and artwork. Also, some of the contributors were really interesting to me, especially Henry Rollins.
I love his spoken word, where he is charming and funny and sweet, even though he still self-describes as angry and I believe him. I don't really like him so much as a musician, with the undiluted discordant anger. (That is more of an issue with Black Flag than his solo work, but still.) His poetry is somewhere in between, angry, but not so overwhelmingly so that you are pounded away from the message. That seems about right.
The poems were generally pretty good, but those stories were hard. Sometimes in the middle of reading one I would wonder what was wrong with this person, and then I would look up the contributor's bio, and it often made more sense. Regardless, story after story about bloody revenge for rape and murder can wear you down.
That made me start wondering more about the original source material, and the loyalty it inspired in people. A lot of these stories read as fan fiction, and Eric Draven has fans. He has lots of fans.
Digging around a little, I saw that O'Barr himself wrote the comic after his fiancee was killed by a drunk driver. He hoped it would be cathartic, but "It made me more self-destructive, if anything... There is pure anger on each page."
With the anthology, I couldn't help but notice that most often the revenge trips didn't really set things right. It multiplied the total number of deaths, but nothing was fixed or healed. I thought the purpose of coming back was to set things right.
(As it was, I think the best of the stories was "The Blood-Red Sea" by Chet Williams, where the poet Homer chooses to forgo killing his last two murderers and instead to pass on his newest poem to a new listener.)
Things may get set right in the comic and in the movie, and maybe that was part of why it resonated for people. If readers and watchers had reasons to be angry - maybe needed permission to be angry - perhaps it helped with that.
But it didn't help James O'Barr. It won't always help. But I still believe that there should be something that could help him, and I would want that for him.
This feels like a lot of beating around the bush. Let me see if I can find a point.
I often will say that something is worth thinking about or needs to be thought about. I refrain from saying what the conclusion of the thoughts should be. That would often take a value judgment, which I try not to overdo, but also, sometimes you might reject something that you are simply told, but find its truthfulness by following a path that leads to it.
The need to think about things isn't anything new - we attribute "The unexamined life is not worth living" to Socrates - but what should we be examining?
Here is my value judgment: we should be looking for what is true, and what will make us happy.
People can wax very philosophical about truth. I acknowledge that there are things we can't know, and things we shouldn't know yet, but I believe in science and I believe in logic and I believe in the Holy Ghost, and I say that there is a lot we can know and we should live up to that.
People can be very skeptical about happiness, and there are reasons for that. I think about it more now because I am becoming more aware of people who specifically reject it. That's not that they know they have to give up something that stands in the way of their happiness, but that they specifically choose being unhappy because it seems stronger or smarter or something. That tends to increase the misery of others in multiple ways. Don't do that.
Anyway, think about it.
https://www.paypal.me/sultryglebe
January 29, 2018
The power of hate
While I think my urgent desires to bake for the neighbors and deliver emergency goods to the homeless may have reflected a subconscious concern about losing my sense of charity, they were subconscious at best.
On a more deliberate level, when I remember to meditate I am more likely to choose to do a loving-kindness meditation. It is kind of the one that works best for me, but also I don't think it hurts to think about different friends, family members, or acquaintances and to think about them being well, and safe, and living with ease.
That may have made it even more surprising when I found myself reveling in thinking "I hate my family!"
I don't, really, and I know that I don't. That's what I told myself the first time the thought came, but it persisted, and it felt exhilarating. So I thought it louder, and louder, multiple times. So later, at the dinner table, and frustrated again, it was very easy to just think "I hate you all".
I know. This is not amiable.
And I don't like that it's not accurate. Precise communication is important to me, because there is so much that gets misunderstood and miscommunicated already, and I like words and understanding, so I don't want to be a part of the problem. I suppose some of it is connotation.
When teenagers scream "I hate you!" to their parents, it is generally understood that this is not a well-thought out statement of belief, but a sloppy expression of anger and strong feelings, not necessarily completely pointed in the right direction. I know that, and I could recognize my thoughts as just general bad feelings exacerbated by the relatives. My general philosophy is that I should be exploring those feelings, but there's no exhilaration there. Frankly, I'm due for some.
It felt good to put it on them. It wasn't even really on them, because it was just thought and not spoken.
It made more sense later, after another exchange of words.
First of all, I sacrifice a lot for my family. It is more obvious now, with the care-taking, but I have put the needs of others before my own for many years. Their have been benefits all along, but especially now - since everyone loves our mother - there should be some acknowledgment and gratitude that what I am doing is good for her, and better for her than various other options would be.
Not only do I not get that, instead getting a lot of blame and resentment, I frequent get this retort when I try and point out that some people have it pretty good "I work."
You work? I never stop working! I put up with so much, not perfectly, no, but so much more than they even try to manage, and they are still critical of me when I am a freaking hero!
I just broke through somewhere. People (not family members) have tried to tell me before how they don't know how I do it, and I am amazing, and all of these things, and I have shrugged them off, because you are supposed to be modest, and I am only trying to do what's best. Except, lot's of people don't try to do what's best, or they fail harder, and yeah, actually I am doing pretty well.
So I think what embracing the hate did was allowed me to be angry with my family for sucking, which is not all they do, but is nonetheless something that they do a lot.
I have written before about always feeling like there was something wrong with me. I'd identified at least part of that as being because my father was never happy with any of us, and that was not us, it was him. Mentally I was at least partly there, but I hadn't realized how much I was still letting everything be my fault for everyone else. It's not.
I won't deny there's some danger here. If I decide everything is everyone else's fault, and everyone else is bad, that way lies psychopathy. That's not really what is needed.
I have been such a good girl for so long trying to do so many good things. There can be good motivations for that, but hoping to earn the kindness of selfish people is a fool's game.
I have been carrying this burden around where it has always felt like my job to fix everything, and knowing that I couldn't never really took the burden off. The intellectual only gets you so far. But the anger, and the hate, seems to have worked. Something is repaired.
It's questionable how much it will lead me to act differently. Certain family obligations are still necessary, at least while Mom is alive, and even after that, there are the pets. And, I don't truly hate them, most of the time.
Ages ago, when I was trying to figure out what I needed, I wanted to be able to see the good in myself. I could look at it, but I couldn't really feel it, because I was hanging on to this false sense of wrong about myself.
That appears to be fixed now, and it may have taken giving into the dark side to get there.
Who knew?
On a more deliberate level, when I remember to meditate I am more likely to choose to do a loving-kindness meditation. It is kind of the one that works best for me, but also I don't think it hurts to think about different friends, family members, or acquaintances and to think about them being well, and safe, and living with ease.
That may have made it even more surprising when I found myself reveling in thinking "I hate my family!"
I don't, really, and I know that I don't. That's what I told myself the first time the thought came, but it persisted, and it felt exhilarating. So I thought it louder, and louder, multiple times. So later, at the dinner table, and frustrated again, it was very easy to just think "I hate you all".
I know. This is not amiable.
And I don't like that it's not accurate. Precise communication is important to me, because there is so much that gets misunderstood and miscommunicated already, and I like words and understanding, so I don't want to be a part of the problem. I suppose some of it is connotation.
When teenagers scream "I hate you!" to their parents, it is generally understood that this is not a well-thought out statement of belief, but a sloppy expression of anger and strong feelings, not necessarily completely pointed in the right direction. I know that, and I could recognize my thoughts as just general bad feelings exacerbated by the relatives. My general philosophy is that I should be exploring those feelings, but there's no exhilaration there. Frankly, I'm due for some.
It felt good to put it on them. It wasn't even really on them, because it was just thought and not spoken.
It made more sense later, after another exchange of words.
First of all, I sacrifice a lot for my family. It is more obvious now, with the care-taking, but I have put the needs of others before my own for many years. Their have been benefits all along, but especially now - since everyone loves our mother - there should be some acknowledgment and gratitude that what I am doing is good for her, and better for her than various other options would be.
Not only do I not get that, instead getting a lot of blame and resentment, I frequent get this retort when I try and point out that some people have it pretty good "I work."
You work? I never stop working! I put up with so much, not perfectly, no, but so much more than they even try to manage, and they are still critical of me when I am a freaking hero!
I just broke through somewhere. People (not family members) have tried to tell me before how they don't know how I do it, and I am amazing, and all of these things, and I have shrugged them off, because you are supposed to be modest, and I am only trying to do what's best. Except, lot's of people don't try to do what's best, or they fail harder, and yeah, actually I am doing pretty well.
So I think what embracing the hate did was allowed me to be angry with my family for sucking, which is not all they do, but is nonetheless something that they do a lot.
I have written before about always feeling like there was something wrong with me. I'd identified at least part of that as being because my father was never happy with any of us, and that was not us, it was him. Mentally I was at least partly there, but I hadn't realized how much I was still letting everything be my fault for everyone else. It's not.
I won't deny there's some danger here. If I decide everything is everyone else's fault, and everyone else is bad, that way lies psychopathy. That's not really what is needed.
I have been such a good girl for so long trying to do so many good things. There can be good motivations for that, but hoping to earn the kindness of selfish people is a fool's game.
I have been carrying this burden around where it has always felt like my job to fix everything, and knowing that I couldn't never really took the burden off. The intellectual only gets you so far. But the anger, and the hate, seems to have worked. Something is repaired.
It's questionable how much it will lead me to act differently. Certain family obligations are still necessary, at least while Mom is alive, and even after that, there are the pets. And, I don't truly hate them, most of the time.
Ages ago, when I was trying to figure out what I needed, I wanted to be able to see the good in myself. I could look at it, but I couldn't really feel it, because I was hanging on to this false sense of wrong about myself.
That appears to be fixed now, and it may have taken giving into the dark side to get there.
Who knew?
