Gina Harris's Blog, page 102
April 24, 2018
Seeing and being seen
I am aware that yesterday's post kind of wandered, and may have seemed disorganized. That will continue today.
Going out leading to being seen was a key component there, and that is going to play out in a different way today.
I went to see The Shape of Water a while back, and it led to two specific instances of being seen, though I am not sure that either of them means anything.
When I was in line to get my ticket, a man was walking toward me. He may have been homeless, but he also reminded me of someone who is frequently on my mind, though who absolutely was not in town right then. I was getting my wallet out and had cash in my hand, and I looked up and we made eye contact, and I think I nodded, I may have said "hi", and he returned the greeting and told me to enjoy the movie.
If he was in fact homeless, that could have been a very bitter thing - get your money and treat yourself while I don't get to do that. It could also have been dangerous, waving cash around after dark on a city sidewalk. But it wasn't any of that; we had good will for each other. It stayed with me, because it feels like there was some significance to it, but I don't know that there was anything else.
After the movie I glanced at the clock in the box office and saw that I was running about half an hour later than I thought I would be, which mattered because when my sister was going to show up at the train station was based on my guess. That bothered me, but there was nothing I could do about it so I just kept walking to catch the train.
At this point I should mention that the last movie I'd seen was Coco. It was excellent, but the aging parent with the fading memory slew me, and I was a wreck after seeing it. I decided after Coco that I just have an open wound, and I have to live with that. At the MAX platform after The Shape of Water I thought - ironically - that at least I was composed after seeing this movie. Then everything hit me.
This weight descended on me that my mother has dementia and I can't fix it and it makes things like getting to movies hard and I don't know at what rate it will get harder or how hard it will get before it is over, and the only way it ends is death - which is not comforting - and until then there are all of these money problems which I am not solving, that even the things that I thought would help aren't, that actually I am the loser who hasn't even been able to afford a phone payment so that even if I can't drive or maintain a car I could at least call the person who is coming to get me and give an accurate update of when I should be there instead of having them wait for half an hour because I got it wrong. Suddenly, I was crying again.
At this moment, I made eye contact with another guy waiting for the train. I know he saw me, his eyes acknowledged that he saw that I was crying, and I acknowledged that he saw it, but also turned away after that, because I didn't necessarily want to share it all with him.
It's not that I think he necessarily wanted that either. If he had asked me if I wanted to talk, I don't know that it would have mattered. The more upset I get the harder former words is. But there we were.
So those two incidents stood around the movie like book ends around the experience, and they may not relate to this last one, but maybe they do.
It did not happen in conjunction with a movie. I was getting groceries, and on my way out of the store I noticed a man resting at the blood pressure booth. He was not taking his blood pressure, but there was a chair there, and he needed it, and I couldn't just go past him.
I took out a $5 and said "You look tired," and gave it to him. He laughed a little,"I've been tired for a long time." I gave some kind of well wish. I don't even know. I know I immediately saw the person kind of monitoring the door and felt guilty, like maybe I drew attention to him.
Here's the thing: I know that part of his tiredness was weariness of not mattering and not being seen.
Five dollars is woefully inadequate for his needs, but that was the right amount because I can't afford to throw around twenties (which, realistically, are still inadequate) and ones would be not exactly insulting but still too paltry. Because the actual thing I was trying to give was a reminder that he mattered and he was seen, that will have a hard time standing up against all the other evidences against it. I improved a moment, but there are many moments ahead for both of us.
The other thing is that I could not stop thinking about it but I could not tell anyone about it until my sister confessed that she had sent a get well gift to someone we know who had been in an accident, and it felt stupid doing it because it wasn't someone we are close too, or something that will really help, or actually I don't know why we find so many reasons to be embarrassed about the kind things we do.
I mean, I know there is conditioning to keep your well-doing secret so that you don't get proud over it, and there is a lot of conditioning (especially for women) to only really be aware of your flaws because no one likes conceited people, so I get not blaring out every nice thing you do, but I know it doesn't need to feel so self-conscious.
My life is much harder because of the uncertainty that goes along with my primary issues, so maybe I am extra drawn to things that are concrete right now, but I am certain about this:
Caring about people is good. Seeing needs, and finding ways that you can contribute to those needs, and acting on them is good.
No we can't solve everything and yes we might do some things without the best of motivations - we remain messy, complicated beings.
But that complication becomes simpler when you can see that every other person out there is a person, and that they matter, and should have the means for happiness within reach.
No messes can be cleaned up until we start acting based on that.
Going out leading to being seen was a key component there, and that is going to play out in a different way today.
I went to see The Shape of Water a while back, and it led to two specific instances of being seen, though I am not sure that either of them means anything.
When I was in line to get my ticket, a man was walking toward me. He may have been homeless, but he also reminded me of someone who is frequently on my mind, though who absolutely was not in town right then. I was getting my wallet out and had cash in my hand, and I looked up and we made eye contact, and I think I nodded, I may have said "hi", and he returned the greeting and told me to enjoy the movie.
If he was in fact homeless, that could have been a very bitter thing - get your money and treat yourself while I don't get to do that. It could also have been dangerous, waving cash around after dark on a city sidewalk. But it wasn't any of that; we had good will for each other. It stayed with me, because it feels like there was some significance to it, but I don't know that there was anything else.
After the movie I glanced at the clock in the box office and saw that I was running about half an hour later than I thought I would be, which mattered because when my sister was going to show up at the train station was based on my guess. That bothered me, but there was nothing I could do about it so I just kept walking to catch the train.
At this point I should mention that the last movie I'd seen was Coco. It was excellent, but the aging parent with the fading memory slew me, and I was a wreck after seeing it. I decided after Coco that I just have an open wound, and I have to live with that. At the MAX platform after The Shape of Water I thought - ironically - that at least I was composed after seeing this movie. Then everything hit me.
This weight descended on me that my mother has dementia and I can't fix it and it makes things like getting to movies hard and I don't know at what rate it will get harder or how hard it will get before it is over, and the only way it ends is death - which is not comforting - and until then there are all of these money problems which I am not solving, that even the things that I thought would help aren't, that actually I am the loser who hasn't even been able to afford a phone payment so that even if I can't drive or maintain a car I could at least call the person who is coming to get me and give an accurate update of when I should be there instead of having them wait for half an hour because I got it wrong. Suddenly, I was crying again.
At this moment, I made eye contact with another guy waiting for the train. I know he saw me, his eyes acknowledged that he saw that I was crying, and I acknowledged that he saw it, but also turned away after that, because I didn't necessarily want to share it all with him.
It's not that I think he necessarily wanted that either. If he had asked me if I wanted to talk, I don't know that it would have mattered. The more upset I get the harder former words is. But there we were.
So those two incidents stood around the movie like book ends around the experience, and they may not relate to this last one, but maybe they do.
It did not happen in conjunction with a movie. I was getting groceries, and on my way out of the store I noticed a man resting at the blood pressure booth. He was not taking his blood pressure, but there was a chair there, and he needed it, and I couldn't just go past him.
I took out a $5 and said "You look tired," and gave it to him. He laughed a little,"I've been tired for a long time." I gave some kind of well wish. I don't even know. I know I immediately saw the person kind of monitoring the door and felt guilty, like maybe I drew attention to him.
Here's the thing: I know that part of his tiredness was weariness of not mattering and not being seen.
Five dollars is woefully inadequate for his needs, but that was the right amount because I can't afford to throw around twenties (which, realistically, are still inadequate) and ones would be not exactly insulting but still too paltry. Because the actual thing I was trying to give was a reminder that he mattered and he was seen, that will have a hard time standing up against all the other evidences against it. I improved a moment, but there are many moments ahead for both of us.
The other thing is that I could not stop thinking about it but I could not tell anyone about it until my sister confessed that she had sent a get well gift to someone we know who had been in an accident, and it felt stupid doing it because it wasn't someone we are close too, or something that will really help, or actually I don't know why we find so many reasons to be embarrassed about the kind things we do.
I mean, I know there is conditioning to keep your well-doing secret so that you don't get proud over it, and there is a lot of conditioning (especially for women) to only really be aware of your flaws because no one likes conceited people, so I get not blaring out every nice thing you do, but I know it doesn't need to feel so self-conscious.
My life is much harder because of the uncertainty that goes along with my primary issues, so maybe I am extra drawn to things that are concrete right now, but I am certain about this:
Caring about people is good. Seeing needs, and finding ways that you can contribute to those needs, and acting on them is good.
No we can't solve everything and yes we might do some things without the best of motivations - we remain messy, complicated beings.
But that complication becomes simpler when you can see that every other person out there is a person, and that they matter, and should have the means for happiness within reach.
No messes can be cleaned up until we start acting based on that.
April 23, 2018
All about me
Last week when I wrote that I wasn't going to write, I wrote more than I expected to. I realized that I probably didn't need a break from writing at all quite as much as I needed to pause writing about world issues (even if done in a really personal matter) and catch up with me personally.
Yes, I am still a mess. Yes, I will give more details.
But no, I am not only a mess.
Remember going back that after missing one karaoke night I was afraid to commit to attending another one, because it didn't feel like my life was really under my own control. I accepted the other one anyway.
That was good on multiple levels. I got out of the house, I sang, and I visited with people. One of the visits was especially important.
Generally I kind of dread people asking me for a status update because everything is so complicated and kind of horrible, but again with the "not only", it is not only horrible.
One friend asked, and he asked at the right moment, or in the right way, or somehow it worked out that I could also see the good in the situation. I could say that we were getting by. I could say that there have been good things about this.
That was affirming for me, and then he made it better. He told me to keep being me, and it would work out, and that felt good too.
There are family relationships that have improved throughout this. My faith has been reinforced throughout this. Impossible things have happened.
None of that means any of this is easy, and we are still recovering from the week that made me think maybe I needed to take a few days off of blogging. But we are still all here.
One important reminder through it was that I need to get out of the house.
It is tricky when there are only so many hours in a day. There are the things I need to do for my mother and my family and myself, and that doesn't leave a lot of extra time. I need time by myself to recharge, but I also need time with others. It doesn't all fit in at all, but I have to make an effort sometimes anyway, and make those connections. Those are the times I really feel seen, and remember my value, so it has to be done, even though it's not easy.
It's not like anything else is.
Yes, I am still a mess. Yes, I will give more details.
But no, I am not only a mess.
Remember going back that after missing one karaoke night I was afraid to commit to attending another one, because it didn't feel like my life was really under my own control. I accepted the other one anyway.
That was good on multiple levels. I got out of the house, I sang, and I visited with people. One of the visits was especially important.
Generally I kind of dread people asking me for a status update because everything is so complicated and kind of horrible, but again with the "not only", it is not only horrible.
One friend asked, and he asked at the right moment, or in the right way, or somehow it worked out that I could also see the good in the situation. I could say that we were getting by. I could say that there have been good things about this.
That was affirming for me, and then he made it better. He told me to keep being me, and it would work out, and that felt good too.
There are family relationships that have improved throughout this. My faith has been reinforced throughout this. Impossible things have happened.
None of that means any of this is easy, and we are still recovering from the week that made me think maybe I needed to take a few days off of blogging. But we are still all here.
One important reminder through it was that I need to get out of the house.
It is tricky when there are only so many hours in a day. There are the things I need to do for my mother and my family and myself, and that doesn't leave a lot of extra time. I need time by myself to recharge, but I also need time with others. It doesn't all fit in at all, but I have to make an effort sometimes anyway, and make those connections. Those are the times I really feel seen, and remember my value, so it has to be done, even though it's not easy.
It's not like anything else is.
April 20, 2018
Band Review: Cam Bird
Cam Bird is a Melbourne hard rock band fronted by Cameron Bird, previously a metal artist with an emotional link to Metallica.
I mention that because it was interesting listening to this band - in which he is joined by Bobby Manilla on bass and Tyrone Georgiou on drums - and hearing the influence of Metallica but without the music being metal.
As you can imagine, that metallic infusion into alternative rock also leads to some similarities with grunge, so fans of many 90s bands should enjoy Cam Bird the band. A key difference is that I hear no attempts at irony here. The music is emotional and earnestly trying for connection.
New music is coming out next month, but a good starting place now is probably "Rust" which seems to have resonated with a lot of listeners.
https://cambird.bandcamp.com/
https://www.facebook.com/cambirdmusic/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCL53KLvaRWZ0e2DbSEOcJMA
https://twitter.com/cambirdmusic
April 19, 2018
Band Review: Rebel Panic
When I started listening to Rebel Panic, the first thing I noticed was the sound recording quality. It may have only needed a better mix, but vocals sounded reedy and the whole ensemble sounded far away. Many bands deliberately choose muddy or fuzzy sounds, but this sounded unintentional and amateurish.
Looking into the band more, then there is the picture of what looks like three kids in a shabby living room, except that now everything seems geared toward just the one person. Then I saw the blog post where "drama" caused the other two members to leave, but it doesn't matter because the one who was left was the one who wrote all the songs and worked out the costumes. That still seemed kind of amateurish, and the spelling errors didn't help.
As it is, James Anarchy has another project now, Descending Superstar, so Rebel Panic may not even matter, but they are the band that followed me and ended up on my review list.
From what I can tell, James is not a bad guitarist. If that is him singing he is not even necessarily a bad singer, though he could probably use a little coaching.
However, the claims that the other members didn't really matter, combined with the quick move to something different, and even the name choices where there is no indication that either "Superstar" or "Anarchy" have been earned, all give me a sense of an immaturity that will get in the way of excellence. It's not that the problems are unworkable, but that I doubt the work will happen.
http://rebelpanic.wixsite.com/rebelpanic
https://www.facebook.com/rebelpanic/
https://www.youtube.com/user/RebelPanic
https://twitter.com/RebelPanic
Looking into the band more, then there is the picture of what looks like three kids in a shabby living room, except that now everything seems geared toward just the one person. Then I saw the blog post where "drama" caused the other two members to leave, but it doesn't matter because the one who was left was the one who wrote all the songs and worked out the costumes. That still seemed kind of amateurish, and the spelling errors didn't help.
As it is, James Anarchy has another project now, Descending Superstar, so Rebel Panic may not even matter, but they are the band that followed me and ended up on my review list.
From what I can tell, James is not a bad guitarist. If that is him singing he is not even necessarily a bad singer, though he could probably use a little coaching.
However, the claims that the other members didn't really matter, combined with the quick move to something different, and even the name choices where there is no indication that either "Superstar" or "Anarchy" have been earned, all give me a sense of an immaturity that will get in the way of excellence. It's not that the problems are unworkable, but that I doubt the work will happen.
http://rebelpanic.wixsite.com/rebelpanic
https://www.facebook.com/rebelpanic/
https://www.youtube.com/user/RebelPanic
https://twitter.com/RebelPanic
April 16, 2018
Worn down
I'm taking a blogging break, I think just for three days. (Four if I count yesterday on the Provident Living blog, but I intend to be back with a band review on Thursday.)
Mainly I am just really tired. Last week started with my sisters going on vacation and my brother and mother sick. It was just bad timing. I also spoke in church yesterday and did three sets of taxes, and over the week I cut out 92 angel dolls. Also, I found something out that makes me need to completely re-examine my hopes for generating some kind of income.
I don't deny that I could have paced myself better, or put some things off. As it is, I was afraid that I might be getting sick Friday. I think I am going to be okay, but am still in that zone that kind of feels like being underwater.
Anyway, more later.
Mainly I am just really tired. Last week started with my sisters going on vacation and my brother and mother sick. It was just bad timing. I also spoke in church yesterday and did three sets of taxes, and over the week I cut out 92 angel dolls. Also, I found something out that makes me need to completely re-examine my hopes for generating some kind of income.
I don't deny that I could have paced myself better, or put some things off. As it is, I was afraid that I might be getting sick Friday. I think I am going to be okay, but am still in that zone that kind of feels like being underwater.
Anyway, more later.
April 13, 2018
Concert Review: Senses Fail
I really liked Senses Fail.
I regret that I've only scratched the surface with them on listening, regardless of seeing them live, so this review will not be exhaustive.
I can say that the back-lighting for their show visually reminded me of those highly stylized police chases through the woods that Grimm became so fond of just as their plotting started going downhill. Fortunately, the concert's vibe was neither diminishing quality nor being pursued by a hostile force. Instead it felt very supportive.
Their music can convey a lot of angst, but the visiting between songs was warm-hearted and uplifting. You could feel good about spending time in their company.
I wish I could say something more definitive about the music. It feels logical to say that the newer albums are more mature and deeper, but I am reluctant to say that when some of the older tracks are so deep and emotionally affecting. I was particularly moved by "Yellow Angels".
I believe fans of Saves the Day would enjoy Senses Fail.
http://www.sensesfail.com/
https://www.facebook.com/sensesfail/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCC7ElkFVK3m03gEMfaq6Ung
https://twitter.com/sensesfail
I regret that I've only scratched the surface with them on listening, regardless of seeing them live, so this review will not be exhaustive.
I can say that the back-lighting for their show visually reminded me of those highly stylized police chases through the woods that Grimm became so fond of just as their plotting started going downhill. Fortunately, the concert's vibe was neither diminishing quality nor being pursued by a hostile force. Instead it felt very supportive.
Their music can convey a lot of angst, but the visiting between songs was warm-hearted and uplifting. You could feel good about spending time in their company.
I wish I could say something more definitive about the music. It feels logical to say that the newer albums are more mature and deeper, but I am reluctant to say that when some of the older tracks are so deep and emotionally affecting. I was particularly moved by "Yellow Angels".
I believe fans of Saves the Day would enjoy Senses Fail.
http://www.sensesfail.com/
https://www.facebook.com/sensesfail/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCC7ElkFVK3m03gEMfaq6Ung
https://twitter.com/sensesfail
April 12, 2018
Concert Review: Reggie and the Full Effect
Every time I am reviewing Reggie and the Full Effect it is tempting to just say "So good!". As accurate as that would be, it still isn't very enlightening, so let me try a little harder.
As it is, in retrospect I probably shouldn't have done the album review last month. At the time I wasn't sure if I could make it to the concert. I am still glad that I did an in-depth listening to the album, and glad that I saw the performance from the previous year (April 28th 2017 at Revolution Hall) that I did not review. This review will try and put them all together with the most recent show (March 27th 2018 at the Hawthorne Theater).
For both shows, James Dewees has been backed by members of Pentimento, one of the bands that toured with him in 2014 (that show was on Super Bowl Sunday at Branx).
The Revolution Hall set was practically perfect and everyone sounded great. I did mention that in the album review. What I didn't mention was at the time picking up on this sadness and wondering if it had been there all along and I had missed it, or if it was new. Then I remembered that his mother had died, and it was about at the anniversary of that. That and another death and a divorce all went into 41, which is a beautiful and a sad album.
(I don't think this is the article I remember reading, but it covers some of the same information: https://mediamikes.com/2018/01/reggie-full-effect-frontman-james-dewees-talks-bands-latest-album-41/)
Given all of that going in, I didn't really know what to expect. I definitely didn't expect that they were going to open with "Guerrera". That was explained as a sound check problem where they needed to start with a song where they were all playing the same note, but what you get is a song that rocks pretty hard. Then the "F--- you aliens" refrain was dropped, I had to wonder if the song had been shortened, and if maybe things were getting faster and harder and more punk.
It did feel like there was more of an emphasis on guitar than synth than in previous shows but I can't swear to it. Historically there has always been plenty of strong guitar on Reggie albums.
Mainly, I was just impressed at how it could be so different and still so good. It's the same musicians, so it's not a lineup change that makes the difference. It probably helps that they have been working together for a while now, but they were great a year ago too.
I'm sure it helps that they are all into it. They might have seemed a bit more free this time, but I was also closer to the stage so I may have just noticed different things.
(Regardless, I swear Vincent Caito is the liveliest bass player ever.)
It's not like I don't know that music can be powerful, and that different types of music can stir us in different ways and that there is a wide range of how to be good.
I remain impressed at how many things James Dewees can do well, and that he can then make changes and adjustments and only make them better. I remain impressed at the beauty he can take out of a horrible year.
And all of those words basically come down to "So good!"
http://www.ratfe.net/
https://twitter.com/shitdeweessays
As it is, in retrospect I probably shouldn't have done the album review last month. At the time I wasn't sure if I could make it to the concert. I am still glad that I did an in-depth listening to the album, and glad that I saw the performance from the previous year (April 28th 2017 at Revolution Hall) that I did not review. This review will try and put them all together with the most recent show (March 27th 2018 at the Hawthorne Theater).
For both shows, James Dewees has been backed by members of Pentimento, one of the bands that toured with him in 2014 (that show was on Super Bowl Sunday at Branx).
The Revolution Hall set was practically perfect and everyone sounded great. I did mention that in the album review. What I didn't mention was at the time picking up on this sadness and wondering if it had been there all along and I had missed it, or if it was new. Then I remembered that his mother had died, and it was about at the anniversary of that. That and another death and a divorce all went into 41, which is a beautiful and a sad album.
(I don't think this is the article I remember reading, but it covers some of the same information: https://mediamikes.com/2018/01/reggie-full-effect-frontman-james-dewees-talks-bands-latest-album-41/)
Given all of that going in, I didn't really know what to expect. I definitely didn't expect that they were going to open with "Guerrera". That was explained as a sound check problem where they needed to start with a song where they were all playing the same note, but what you get is a song that rocks pretty hard. Then the "F--- you aliens" refrain was dropped, I had to wonder if the song had been shortened, and if maybe things were getting faster and harder and more punk.
It did feel like there was more of an emphasis on guitar than synth than in previous shows but I can't swear to it. Historically there has always been plenty of strong guitar on Reggie albums.
Mainly, I was just impressed at how it could be so different and still so good. It's the same musicians, so it's not a lineup change that makes the difference. It probably helps that they have been working together for a while now, but they were great a year ago too.
I'm sure it helps that they are all into it. They might have seemed a bit more free this time, but I was also closer to the stage so I may have just noticed different things.
(Regardless, I swear Vincent Caito is the liveliest bass player ever.)
It's not like I don't know that music can be powerful, and that different types of music can stir us in different ways and that there is a wide range of how to be good.
I remain impressed at how many things James Dewees can do well, and that he can then make changes and adjustments and only make them better. I remain impressed at the beauty he can take out of a horrible year.
And all of those words basically come down to "So good!"
http://www.ratfe.net/
https://twitter.com/shitdeweessays
April 11, 2018
Toppling the "great man"
Reading about Larry Nassar, one of the things that helped him get away with it so long was that when questioned he would start using really technical terms and explain why what he was doing was absolutely fine and necessary but people who weren't doctors just didn't understand. Deference to doctors and men and universities and the Olympic dream all helped with that.
Therefore one thing that should be helpful is that there should be guidelines for what to expect during a medical exam and physical therapy. There should be guidelines for what to expect during a psychological counseling session, really. In any environment where there is a trained professional and a vulnerable patient or client, there should be some ways of knowing what might be appropriate - even if unpleasant - but also some ideas for what it looks like when someone is starting to be abusive.
Doing this requires some thinking, because there is room for disagreement and often a professional organization could worry about cornering their members and encouraging lawsuits, but that can be worked out, especially if you have a sincere desire to end abuse, which I hope anyone in a healing practice would want.
It also takes a belief that untrained people can understand enough of the basics to make a reasonable call. I do believe that.
If you think about it, even now the reason so many abusers are successful is not because the victim doesn't know something is wrong, but because they are afraid to speak up, or not believed when they speak up. Making guidelines available then becomes not just a guideline, but also an expression of confidence in people: they can know what is appropriate, and they deserve to be treated appropriately.
There is a "great man" theory of history, largely popularized by Thomas Carlyle. For the record, I lean more toward Herbert Spencer's analysis that it was a hopelessly primitive, childish, and unscientific position, which he largely based on the importance of the social environment.
I believe in the importance of the social environment, but also I think greatness is easier to find.
As famous producers and writers started being named in #metoo, there were lamentations that this was the end of the golden age of television, because here goes everyone with talent!
There were a lot of things wrong with that mindset, up to and including that still, very few people have been fired and no one has been charged. Beyond that, we have over the past year or so seen some really well-done films directed by women, produced by women, written by women, and also many done by men who aren't nearly so famous and whom we can also hope are not nearly as predatory.
All right, I do suspect that Christopher Plummer's nomination for All the Money in the World was somewhat reactionary, but I also do not doubt that he gave a good performance, and that getting rid of Kevin Spacey did not ruin the movie.
With Harvey Weinstein, there were people who did not know about the sexual abuse who still found him abusive and bullying, because that's how he was. That made some people not want to work with him, and some people excuse it because that's just Harvey and he makes money, but is it the only way to make money?
It feels like it became kind of a cult a while back with House and maybe both Sherlock Holmes' series (House was also based on Sherlock Holmes) and I think a bunch of other television shows that I don't remember anymore. There was a rude genius and it was hard to be around him, but he was right and got the job done and isn't that all that matters?
I am not really looking to add another TV show to my schedule, and certainly not another procedural, but if I were going to it would be Instinct because it looks like they are taking the bold move of having the smart guy also be genuinely pleasant and emotionally healthy (still quirky though).
One convenient aspect of being a genius jerk is that it effectively closes the pool to anyone who isn't white or male, because if you are not you can't get away with it quite so easily.
Let us remember, though, that in addition to all of the people who have been chased out of industry and academia and entertainment, there are also people who are there and really good and could do great things, except we are throwing all of our support to the people who do the worst things with their power.
I like entertainment a lot, but it is probably least important there. Look at what is happening to privacy and politics because technology has not been sufficiently critical of what damage they could do. Think of all that has been lost from medical research because of the people who have been held back. If we were building a society that was supportive and collaborative instead of competitive, think how much better things could be.
That's one thing that often gets lost. When we talk about patriarchy and the privilege of white males, white men who do not have that much wealth and power feel offended and close their minds. Taking down those hierarchies will benefit you too. Yes, you will not be able to hold on to at least having some superiority over women and people of color, and there may be an un-examined feeling of a threat there (which you don't examine because it's terrible to want to hang onto it).
What I promise you is that as we achieve equality, your lives will be better too. Feminism is not against men; it is for everyone.
Yes, that world will be a drastic change, and it may be hard for bullies to adapt. Hopefully they will find other things to like, and they will be better people for doing so.
We need to let go of a lot of crap to get there.
Okay, I really think I am done with this round. I can only imagine what kind of horrifying revelations will make me rethink that, but for now, I am moving on.
Therefore one thing that should be helpful is that there should be guidelines for what to expect during a medical exam and physical therapy. There should be guidelines for what to expect during a psychological counseling session, really. In any environment where there is a trained professional and a vulnerable patient or client, there should be some ways of knowing what might be appropriate - even if unpleasant - but also some ideas for what it looks like when someone is starting to be abusive.
Doing this requires some thinking, because there is room for disagreement and often a professional organization could worry about cornering their members and encouraging lawsuits, but that can be worked out, especially if you have a sincere desire to end abuse, which I hope anyone in a healing practice would want.
It also takes a belief that untrained people can understand enough of the basics to make a reasonable call. I do believe that.
If you think about it, even now the reason so many abusers are successful is not because the victim doesn't know something is wrong, but because they are afraid to speak up, or not believed when they speak up. Making guidelines available then becomes not just a guideline, but also an expression of confidence in people: they can know what is appropriate, and they deserve to be treated appropriately.
There is a "great man" theory of history, largely popularized by Thomas Carlyle. For the record, I lean more toward Herbert Spencer's analysis that it was a hopelessly primitive, childish, and unscientific position, which he largely based on the importance of the social environment.
I believe in the importance of the social environment, but also I think greatness is easier to find.
As famous producers and writers started being named in #metoo, there were lamentations that this was the end of the golden age of television, because here goes everyone with talent!
There were a lot of things wrong with that mindset, up to and including that still, very few people have been fired and no one has been charged. Beyond that, we have over the past year or so seen some really well-done films directed by women, produced by women, written by women, and also many done by men who aren't nearly so famous and whom we can also hope are not nearly as predatory.
All right, I do suspect that Christopher Plummer's nomination for All the Money in the World was somewhat reactionary, but I also do not doubt that he gave a good performance, and that getting rid of Kevin Spacey did not ruin the movie.
With Harvey Weinstein, there were people who did not know about the sexual abuse who still found him abusive and bullying, because that's how he was. That made some people not want to work with him, and some people excuse it because that's just Harvey and he makes money, but is it the only way to make money?
It feels like it became kind of a cult a while back with House and maybe both Sherlock Holmes' series (House was also based on Sherlock Holmes) and I think a bunch of other television shows that I don't remember anymore. There was a rude genius and it was hard to be around him, but he was right and got the job done and isn't that all that matters?
I am not really looking to add another TV show to my schedule, and certainly not another procedural, but if I were going to it would be Instinct because it looks like they are taking the bold move of having the smart guy also be genuinely pleasant and emotionally healthy (still quirky though).
One convenient aspect of being a genius jerk is that it effectively closes the pool to anyone who isn't white or male, because if you are not you can't get away with it quite so easily.
Let us remember, though, that in addition to all of the people who have been chased out of industry and academia and entertainment, there are also people who are there and really good and could do great things, except we are throwing all of our support to the people who do the worst things with their power.
I like entertainment a lot, but it is probably least important there. Look at what is happening to privacy and politics because technology has not been sufficiently critical of what damage they could do. Think of all that has been lost from medical research because of the people who have been held back. If we were building a society that was supportive and collaborative instead of competitive, think how much better things could be.
That's one thing that often gets lost. When we talk about patriarchy and the privilege of white males, white men who do not have that much wealth and power feel offended and close their minds. Taking down those hierarchies will benefit you too. Yes, you will not be able to hold on to at least having some superiority over women and people of color, and there may be an un-examined feeling of a threat there (which you don't examine because it's terrible to want to hang onto it).
What I promise you is that as we achieve equality, your lives will be better too. Feminism is not against men; it is for everyone.
Yes, that world will be a drastic change, and it may be hard for bullies to adapt. Hopefully they will find other things to like, and they will be better people for doing so.
We need to let go of a lot of crap to get there.
Okay, I really think I am done with this round. I can only imagine what kind of horrifying revelations will make me rethink that, but for now, I am moving on.
April 10, 2018
So inextricably linked
Currently for the daily songs I am doing weeks of things where there is a category that I have been interested in exploring, but where I don't think there are enough songs for a month. There has been a week of songs by actors, and songs from non-Disney cartoons, and I'll probably wrap it up in about two weeks with a week of country songs.
The tricky one was songs with celebrity cameos, because suddenly all of these songs that came to mind had cameos by people with abuse allegations against them. Hey look! There's Al Franken! And Michael Douglas!
I did use both of theirs, and I left some songs unused that might have been worse, but if we look back we are going to find a lot of things.
Recently I saw it pointed out that David Letterman has a new show, and he got Barack Obama as his first guest, but he also had repeated workplace relationships that led to extortion and a hostile environment for other employees.
https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2018/01/why-does-david-letterman-get-a-pass-despite-past-s.html
That may describe it too well, because some of the hostile workplace issues for the women who were not in relationships make you wonder how consensual the other relationships were; it gets messy. The point is, this came out at a time before #metoo had gained momentum. It's out there, and known, but doesn't seem to matter. Maybe that's because other people did worse, but it's questionable. In the meantime, some people are having to debate getting rid of comfort films that are important to them, and teachers are looking for new books they can feel comfortable assigning, and we are starting to have people apologize for signing petitions in favor of Roman Polanski and working with Woody Allen, but there's a lot of unfamiliar territory.
I have emphasized listening a lot, but there are a few more things we can think about.
I really appreciate Peter Jackson coming forward about the blacklisting that Weinstein did against women who refused his advances:
https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/dec/15/peter-jackson-harvey-weinstein-ashley-judd-mira-sorvino
Granted, it probably didn't look like blacklisting at the time, but probably sincere and helpful advice: "Don't work with them! They're difficult." People who will harass and abuse aren't going to have any compunction about lying. This makes thinking about things that might have been sabotage a good area for reflection. Have you been warned off about anyone? Could there have been ulterior motives?
It may also be helpful to examine humor. Frances McDormand gave an important and practical Oscar acceptance speech. Lots of men found it hard to mention without calling her crazy. A lot of that seems to be based on her not wearing makeup. Is that a good reason to discount someone's words? Part of the whole Tony Robbins thing was explaining how now men can't hire pretty women because of harassment. How possible is it to find that perfect spot between not so pretty that you are a threat to abusive men, but still pretty enough to not be a crazy witch?
People used to call Ann Curry crazy too, and I never thought about it much. Once you hear about the target harassment that she received on the set of Today, that could explain part of it. If you add to it all of the other things that happened with Today but to other people, and listen to the stories that are coming from other newsrooms, well, it's probably really convenient to always be able to call a woman crazy or difficult and not have it questioned.
That leads to my final point today: think about the things we don't talk about. It's rude to talk about money, but that is also very convenient to keep people from examining gender-based wage disparities, and unfair business practices, and many things that support the people who are economically on top.
It's not polite to talk about sex, but that leads to a lot of women never really getting to enjoy sex or to even come near that without being labeled a slut.
It's rude to make a scene, but then the person who is rude and unafraid to be rude gets to slide. That's not to encourage rudeness, but our silence provides tacit acceptance of many things that may be terrible. With enough silence we may not even know what needs to be changed.
Cui bono?
The tricky one was songs with celebrity cameos, because suddenly all of these songs that came to mind had cameos by people with abuse allegations against them. Hey look! There's Al Franken! And Michael Douglas!
I did use both of theirs, and I left some songs unused that might have been worse, but if we look back we are going to find a lot of things.
Recently I saw it pointed out that David Letterman has a new show, and he got Barack Obama as his first guest, but he also had repeated workplace relationships that led to extortion and a hostile environment for other employees.
https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2018/01/why-does-david-letterman-get-a-pass-despite-past-s.html
That may describe it too well, because some of the hostile workplace issues for the women who were not in relationships make you wonder how consensual the other relationships were; it gets messy. The point is, this came out at a time before #metoo had gained momentum. It's out there, and known, but doesn't seem to matter. Maybe that's because other people did worse, but it's questionable. In the meantime, some people are having to debate getting rid of comfort films that are important to them, and teachers are looking for new books they can feel comfortable assigning, and we are starting to have people apologize for signing petitions in favor of Roman Polanski and working with Woody Allen, but there's a lot of unfamiliar territory.
I have emphasized listening a lot, but there are a few more things we can think about.
I really appreciate Peter Jackson coming forward about the blacklisting that Weinstein did against women who refused his advances:
https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/dec/15/peter-jackson-harvey-weinstein-ashley-judd-mira-sorvino
Granted, it probably didn't look like blacklisting at the time, but probably sincere and helpful advice: "Don't work with them! They're difficult." People who will harass and abuse aren't going to have any compunction about lying. This makes thinking about things that might have been sabotage a good area for reflection. Have you been warned off about anyone? Could there have been ulterior motives?
It may also be helpful to examine humor. Frances McDormand gave an important and practical Oscar acceptance speech. Lots of men found it hard to mention without calling her crazy. A lot of that seems to be based on her not wearing makeup. Is that a good reason to discount someone's words? Part of the whole Tony Robbins thing was explaining how now men can't hire pretty women because of harassment. How possible is it to find that perfect spot between not so pretty that you are a threat to abusive men, but still pretty enough to not be a crazy witch?
People used to call Ann Curry crazy too, and I never thought about it much. Once you hear about the target harassment that she received on the set of Today, that could explain part of it. If you add to it all of the other things that happened with Today but to other people, and listen to the stories that are coming from other newsrooms, well, it's probably really convenient to always be able to call a woman crazy or difficult and not have it questioned.
That leads to my final point today: think about the things we don't talk about. It's rude to talk about money, but that is also very convenient to keep people from examining gender-based wage disparities, and unfair business practices, and many things that support the people who are economically on top.
It's not polite to talk about sex, but that leads to a lot of women never really getting to enjoy sex or to even come near that without being labeled a slut.
It's rude to make a scene, but then the person who is rude and unafraid to be rude gets to slide. That's not to encourage rudeness, but our silence provides tacit acceptance of many things that may be terrible. With enough silence we may not even know what needs to be changed.
Cui bono?
April 9, 2018
Finally, Matt Damon
Okay, now it's time for Matt Damon.
Granted, I could go other places for finding men who get tired of listening to women. Very close to home I could find Multnomah County judge Kenneth Walker, who interrupted Dana Parks three times before ending her chance to read her victim impact statement, because he wasn't enjoying listening to it.
http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2018/03/advocates_file_complaints_abou.html
It can be very disturbing to listen to stories of abuse, though the refusal to listen is the sort of thing that perpetuates the abuse, but you know, how can you expect a judge to care about the environment that allows crimes to happen?
Closer to now I could mention Tony Robbins, who criticized #metoo inaccurately, then when corrected used his physical size to intimidate and double down, before offering a terribly insincere apology that seems most likely to be a precursor to allegations against him coming out.
https://www.themarysue.com/tony-robbins-me-too-criticism/
I mean, you could easily argue that the point of #metoo is not for the people coming forward to make themselves important (which it does not do), but to acknowledge that they already are important as people and that abuse against them is not acceptable, and reclaim their voices, which sounds like a very positive thing, unless you aren't actually interested in any shift in power dynamics. I guess Tony Robbins just doesn't read my blog.
But I want to go with Matt Damon here - whom I like (or at least have liked) - because I think he gives us a good springboard into another discussion.
https://www.vox.com/culture/2017/12/20/16797400/why-wont-matt-damon-stop-talking-sexual-harassment
He said many things, like admitting that allegations against someone would not be a reason not to work with them (so much for allegations destroying careers), and saying that he had never heard of Weinstein's abusive behavior but also contradicting it because he had heard about what happened to Gwyneth Paltrow (so maybe he just didn't know of any completed rapes), but that's not what I really want to get into.
I can't really quote it. This is not just because of the profanity but also because it is so poorly said, but the point he was trying to make is that there are many men who don't sexually harass and why aren't we talking about them?
This could easily be dismissed as a pretty typical #notallmen; I don't rape so please give me attention and cookies. Much like the typical #notallmen respondent, he misses some important points.
First of all, if he did know about Gwyneth Paltrow's experience with Harvey Weinstein and did not think of Weinstein as an abuser, then it is quite clear that this group of men who don't do that may either not have as many members or their conduct may not be as good as he thinks. That is worth thinking about.
Beyond that, given his own explanation of the "spectrum" of behavior, could there be types of behavior that contribute to this environment, maybe even without being sexual.
Matt Damon did not sexually harass Effie Brown.
https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2015/09/matt-damon-apology-diversity-project-greenlight-effie-brown
He did shut her down when she tried to raise concerns. They were concerns specific to diversity, and as a Black woman she might have been worth listening to on that subject, but Matt Damon knew better.
Sure, you could think about how if diverse hiring only affects acting, and not writing and behind-the-scenes that this can perpetuate a lot of bad things. I mean, Gone With the Wind had Black cast members and somehow it is still pretty racist.
Beyond that, if the go-to reaction to women mentioning a problem is shutting them down - and that seems like a pretty common reaction - what does that perpetuate?
And I'm guessing that Matt Damon doesn't read my blog either, so any pondering on that will have to be done by other people.
Just allow to once more emphasize the importance of listening.
Also, for more on how you need more than diverse characters, but also diverse voices creating the characters, setting up the characters, and so on, this article is kind of fun:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/women-describing-themselves-the-way-a-male-author-writer-would-twitter_us_5ac524cae4b09ef3b243163f
Granted, I could go other places for finding men who get tired of listening to women. Very close to home I could find Multnomah County judge Kenneth Walker, who interrupted Dana Parks three times before ending her chance to read her victim impact statement, because he wasn't enjoying listening to it.
http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2018/03/advocates_file_complaints_abou.html
It can be very disturbing to listen to stories of abuse, though the refusal to listen is the sort of thing that perpetuates the abuse, but you know, how can you expect a judge to care about the environment that allows crimes to happen?
Closer to now I could mention Tony Robbins, who criticized #metoo inaccurately, then when corrected used his physical size to intimidate and double down, before offering a terribly insincere apology that seems most likely to be a precursor to allegations against him coming out.
https://www.themarysue.com/tony-robbins-me-too-criticism/
I mean, you could easily argue that the point of #metoo is not for the people coming forward to make themselves important (which it does not do), but to acknowledge that they already are important as people and that abuse against them is not acceptable, and reclaim their voices, which sounds like a very positive thing, unless you aren't actually interested in any shift in power dynamics. I guess Tony Robbins just doesn't read my blog.
But I want to go with Matt Damon here - whom I like (or at least have liked) - because I think he gives us a good springboard into another discussion.
https://www.vox.com/culture/2017/12/20/16797400/why-wont-matt-damon-stop-talking-sexual-harassment
He said many things, like admitting that allegations against someone would not be a reason not to work with them (so much for allegations destroying careers), and saying that he had never heard of Weinstein's abusive behavior but also contradicting it because he had heard about what happened to Gwyneth Paltrow (so maybe he just didn't know of any completed rapes), but that's not what I really want to get into.
I can't really quote it. This is not just because of the profanity but also because it is so poorly said, but the point he was trying to make is that there are many men who don't sexually harass and why aren't we talking about them?
This could easily be dismissed as a pretty typical #notallmen; I don't rape so please give me attention and cookies. Much like the typical #notallmen respondent, he misses some important points.
First of all, if he did know about Gwyneth Paltrow's experience with Harvey Weinstein and did not think of Weinstein as an abuser, then it is quite clear that this group of men who don't do that may either not have as many members or their conduct may not be as good as he thinks. That is worth thinking about.
Beyond that, given his own explanation of the "spectrum" of behavior, could there be types of behavior that contribute to this environment, maybe even without being sexual.
Matt Damon did not sexually harass Effie Brown.
https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2015/09/matt-damon-apology-diversity-project-greenlight-effie-brown
He did shut her down when she tried to raise concerns. They were concerns specific to diversity, and as a Black woman she might have been worth listening to on that subject, but Matt Damon knew better.
Sure, you could think about how if diverse hiring only affects acting, and not writing and behind-the-scenes that this can perpetuate a lot of bad things. I mean, Gone With the Wind had Black cast members and somehow it is still pretty racist.
Beyond that, if the go-to reaction to women mentioning a problem is shutting them down - and that seems like a pretty common reaction - what does that perpetuate?
And I'm guessing that Matt Damon doesn't read my blog either, so any pondering on that will have to be done by other people.
Just allow to once more emphasize the importance of listening.
Also, for more on how you need more than diverse characters, but also diverse voices creating the characters, setting up the characters, and so on, this article is kind of fun:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/women-describing-themselves-the-way-a-male-author-writer-would-twitter_us_5ac524cae4b09ef3b243163f
