Kevin DeYoung's Blog, page 172

The Gift of Friendship and the Godliness of Good Friends (Part 4)

Question Three: Are You a Faithful Friend

Yesterday, I gave three characteristics of a foul friend. Today I conclude the four part series with three characteristics of faithful friend.

First, a faithful friend is there in times of trouble. "Do not forsake your friend and your father's friend, and do not go to your brother's house in the day of a calamity. Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away" (Prov. 27:10). Given how important family is in the Old Testament, it is surprising that Proverbs would say don't go to your brother's house. The thought seems to be, "Don't overlook your friends. They will be there for you every bit as much as your family will." Contacts are good. Networking can be valuable. Having a plethora of acquaintances and well-wishers is nice. Racking up friends on Facebook is fine. But real friendship is proven in adversity (Prov. 17:17).

Fake friends go away when you're in trouble. Faithful friends get better when times get harder. "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Prov. 18:24). The next time you are in the midst of suffering and ask God, "What possible reason can there be for this trial?" consider one thing he may be up to is making your friendships sweeter and stronger.

Second, a faithful friend knows how to handle conflict. He doesn't hold grudges. He doesn't keep an open file in his brain marked "ways you've hurt me." Keeping a long, detailed record of wrongs is like building friendships with a revolver under your coat. It's no way to make friends, or keep them. "Be not a witness against your neighbor without cause, and do not deceive with your lips. Do not say, 'I will do to him as he has done to me; I will pay the man back for what he has done'" (Prov. 24:28-29). Faithful friends never seek revenge. They are eager to overlook faults and quick to forgive. "The soul of the wicked desires evil; his neighbor finds no mercy in his eyes" (Prov. 21:10).

Part of handling conflict well is being slow to speak of your friends' faults to others. "Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends" (Prov. 17:9). Good friends speak to someone, not around him. It's amazing how many people we will talk when we have a personal conflict, but we avoid talking to the person with whom we have the conflict. It's like driving in a round-about and never getting off ("Big Ben…Parliament"). Proverbs is right: "Argue your case with your neighbor himself, and do not reveal another's secret, lest he who hears you brings shame upon you, and your ill repute have no end" (Prov. 25:9-10).

Third, faithful friends make each other better. "A man of violence entices his neighbor and leads him in a way that is not good" (Prov. 16:29). This is not the way of a good friend. We've probably all had those friends that make us feel nobler and purer, and those friends that make you feel a little dirty and out of sorts. Bad company corrupts good character (1 Cor. 15:33). Your strongest relationships should be with those who lead you to Christ, not with those who draw you away. This is especially true when you are young or when you are outnumbered. Your deepest friendships should be gospel friendships.

Faithful friends help each other with their words. "Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel" (Prov. 27:9). The writer mentions two precious things in this proverb, oil and perfume, but neither are as precious as a wise friend. Go to your friends with your toughest predicaments and darkest secrets. Talk to them about sex and money and all the things we keep hidden. Get their advice before buying a house or taking a new job or getting married. The best friends combine their IQ's and get smarter as a result.

We all know the proverb: "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another" (Prov. 27:17). It's a great word picture. Ask yourself: am I sponge that never hurts anyone, but never helps much either? Am I a sword that cuts to the quick but also destroys? Or am I a stone, the kind of friend upon which others can be sharpened, made better and more mature? Faithful friends make better stones than sponges or swords.

Jesus Is a Friend

Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't end this series by point us to the One to whom all Scripture points. "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). That means the greatest friend is the one who laid down the most for his friends. No question who this is.

To be sure, Jesus is more than a friend, but not less. He is the Divine Friend better than any other. He is never a fake friend, but always seeks our best. Neither is he a foul friend. He is slow to anger instead of quick to criticize. He is thoughtful and tender instead of annoying. He's always trustworthy and never lets us down. Best of all, Jesus is a faithful friend. He not only sympathizes and comforts you in trouble, he delivers you from your greatest trouble, which is sin. Not only does he speak the truth and handle conflict, he made peace through his blood when were at enmity with him.  And he doesn't just make us better, he makes us new. What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear. What a privilege to carry everything to him in prayer.

Glory of God: The Price of Purity

1 Corinthians 6:12-20

…for you were bought with a price.  So glorify God in your body. (v. 20)

Christians are not dualists. Dualism teaches that physical stuff is bad and spiritual stuff is good, but as Christians we believe in the resurrection of the body and the creation of a good physical world. The body is good. Food is good. Even sex is good.

But sex must be in the right context–marriage between one man and one woman. Sexual sin is serious because our bodies are not our own. We belong to Christ, have been redeemed by Christ, and have Christ dwelling in us by the Holy Spirit. Paul's logic is graphic and compelling. (1) Sex is an act of bodily oneness. (2) Our bodies are members of Christ. (3) Therefore, how can we think of joining Christ's body with a prostitute? (vs. 16-17)

As Christians we are not opposed to sexual immorality because we are self-righteous prudes, but because we believe our bodies belong to Jesus. Would Jesus' body commit adultery? Would his body look at pornography? Would his body dress suggestively to attract attention? Would his body live in promiscuity? Would his body enter a same-sex relationship? Jesus is not pleased when his body, the church, acts in ways his body, his flesh, would never act. Conversely, God gets great glory when we flee from sexual immorality.

The Gift of Friendship and the Godliness of Good Friends (Part 3)

Question 2: Are You a Foul Friend?

Let me suggest three traits.



First, a foul friend is quick to criticize. In my opinion, there are two kinds of people that have the hardest time making friends. One is the person wants to have friends so badly she can't understand what it means to be a friend. These people are socially unaware. They don't ask questions. They see the relationship as a one way street. Everything about them screams "I'm an empty vessel ready for you to pour your love and affirmation and curiosity into me."

The other type that has a hard time making friends is the super critical person. These people have an opinion on everything and must verbalize that opinion to everyone (probably bloggers!). More than just offering their opinion, they rain down a relentless barrage of negativity. "Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent" (Prov. 11:12).

A few weeks ago I was riding in a car with an older Christian man I'd never met before. I was struck by the bridle he put on his tongue. He would ask me a question and when he saw that we might not completely agree, he'd simply say, "I see you've thought about that. I don't need to say anything more." He asked good questions and kept his thoughts to himself sharing them would have served no constructive purpose. Bad friends share every thought, however critical, as a means of self-expression. They don't think what their words are doing or whether they are necessary in this situation.

Consequently, the foul friend gets into conflict that could have been avoided. "Do not plan evil against your neighbor, who dwells trustingly beside you. Do not contend with a man for no reason, when he has done you no harm" (Prov. 3:29-30). It's all too easy to ruin friendships because we had a bad day. It's just as easy to get into a senseless argument because of our own jealousy, insensitivity, or hypersensitivity. Foul friends are quick to criticize.

Second, a foul friend is annoying. We're not talking personality or temperament. Some people rub us the wrong way. Fine. But other people are just plain rude. Rude, annoying people aren't aware of, or don't care about, social customs and cultural norms. This may seem like an innocent quirk, but the Bible calls it sin (1 Cor. 13:5).

Proverbs gives two concrete examples of annoyingness in action.

1) Being obnoxious. "Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing" (Prov. 27:14). Got it? Don't be the life of the party when you wake up. (Kids, this applies to you too.)

2) Not knowing your place. "Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor's house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you" (Prov. 25:17). If you're the sort of friend who comes over unannounced, never says please or thank you, always expects people to wait on you, and has no recognition of your role as a guest, then you're not the sort of friend people are looking for.

Third, a foul friend can't be trusted. This may mean you're a blatant liar (Prov. 23:10-11; 25:18). But duplicity can be more subtle. "Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. Do not say to your neighbor, 'Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give'–when you have it with you" (Prov. 3:27-28). Foul friends don't keep their end of the bargain. They don't return favors. They don't give back what they borrow. They are slow to help and quick to look for ways to avoid being put upon. You can't trust them to keep their word.

Along the same lines, they are careless with their words. "Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, 'I am only joking'" (Prov. 26:18-19). Words hurt after you launch them, no matter what you say your intention was. So be careful. If you don't care about the effect of your words, people won't trust you. And if you can't be trusted you won't be a very good friend.

The Gift of Friendship and the Godliness of Good Friends (Part 2)

Question 1: Are You a Fake Friend?

There is one defining characteristic of the phony friend in Proverbs: he uses people. The fake friend makes friends with people who can give him things. He establishes relationships solely for personal gain. In Proverbs this means money.

"Wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friend" (19:4).
"The poor is disliked by his neighbor, but the rich has many friends" (14:20).
"Many seek the favor of a generous man, and everyone is a friend to a man who gives gifts. All a poor man's brothers hate him; how much more do his friends go far from him! He pursues them with words, but does not have them" (19:6-7).

It's hard to tell if Proverbs is making a moral judgment on those who cozy up to the rich. Certainly, part of the point is simply to show the privilege of the rich versus the poor. But I think we are meant to see the recognize the fickleness of these friends. Faithful friends are hard to find (Prov. 20:6). Fake friends come in abundance, and they come for your stuff.

Fake friends use people. Money is the example in Proverbs, but there are other ways to use people. Some people get close to pastors or politicians or athletes because they want access, power, or popularity. Others may be so accustomed to soliciting favors for business or school or church affairs that they can no longer tell when their personal charm is genuine and when it's an act. None of us are immune to the dangers of friendship fakery. It's possible to plug a book, or speak at a conference, or rave about a blog, or feign chumminess with a Christian mover-and-shaker and all the while wonder if you are doing this to receive the same treatment.

A few years ago I read a book about Billy Graham and the presidents. What struck me most was how these powerful men welcomed Graham into their lives because he seemed like the only person who didn't want anything from them. History shows they often wanted something from Graham, but he gave them the gift of friendship without manipulation. He was no fake friend.

If I ever get into the business of writing fortune cookies, this will be one of my first ones: "Beware the friend who passes out back-scratchers. He does not have your best interest at heart."

Kings of Judah: Jehoram, The Tale of Wasted Life

2 Chronicles 21:4-20

He departed with no one's regret… (v. 20b)

What will it say on your tombstone? Groucho Marx's says politely: "Excuse me, I can't stand up." Mel Blanc, the voice of Porky Pig, has "That's all folks" on his grave. And then there's Jeremiah Johnson whose tombstone says ruefully, "I told you I was sick." These epitaph's are playful. Jehoram's is pathetic.

Jehoram was a terrible king, rebuked by the prophet in a letter (vv.12-15). To paraphrase: "Dear Jehoram. You are lousy king. You are a disobedient, prostituting, murderous villain. Too bad you killed your brothers, they were much better than you. Therefore, the Lord is going to punish you, your people, and your family, and everything you own. P.S. You will have dysentery for the rest of your life. Yours truly, Elijah."

Jehoram's life is a tragic example of the deceitfulness of sin. He went his own way and everything he touched turned to clay, unraveling the accomplishments of his fathers.

When he died there was no fire in his honor and no burial in the tomb of the kings, only this biting epitaph: "He passed away, to no one's regret" (v. 20). Jehoram had position, privilege, power, and prestige and he squandered it all. He is the prodigal son that never came home. May his story never be your own.

The Gift of Friendship and the Godliness of Good Friends (Part 1)

We talk a lot about relationships in the church. There are scores of marriage seminars, retreats, and conferences. There are video series and books for newlyweds and engaged couples. Most every church offers marital counseling and most every pastor preaches somewhat regularly on marriage. And the same is true for parenting. There are dozens of books on raising children. There are Sunday school classes, blog sites, and ministries that focus on the parenting relationship. All this is good.

But have you ever noticed we seldom study friendship? It is the most important-least talked about relationship in the church.

Think about your greatest joys in life. They probably center around your friends–the fun times hanging out, the great conversations, the laughter, the sharing, the pleasure of "clicking" (not cliquing!) with someone else or a group of people.

And now think of the most painful times in life. No doubt, sickness and tragedy are on the list. And yet, oftentimes these difficulties are made sweeter by the support of friends and family. But when friendship goes bad–when things get awkward or you feel like you are on the outside looking in–no amount of health and prosperity can fill the gap. Almost anything bad can be wonderful with friends, and almost anything good can be terrible without them.

The worst summer of my life was the summer I spent holed up in a cabin in the mountains of Colorado working on a national government textbook. For three months I worked 10 hours a day studying political science with a classmate and our college professor. We had no electricity (we charged our laptop batteries in town every day) and no indoor plumbing (we used an outhouse). But that wasn't the main problem. I got used to the rustic lifestyle. The problem was the absence of friends. I was surrounded by amazing natural beauty, engaged in work that I liked fairly well, and allowed time every night and every weekend to read, run, or explore. But I was miserable because I felt all alone.

It's surprising we don't talk more about friendship in the church. Depending on how you define friendship, the Bible may have more to say about the friend relationship than it does about marriage and parenting. Further, I bet church "satisfaction" is largely based on two things. If you find happy churchgoers I wager you'll find these two items present, and where church members are unhappy, I can almost guarantee these two things are missing: quality teaching and quality relationships. No doubt, there are many other important aspects of church life. But for most folks these are the two that matter most. People want a church that teaches them well (which includes sermons, songs, classes, and Bible studies) and a church where they can make friends.

I don't know if making friends is harder than ever. In some ways, with travel and technology, it is easier than it used to be. But there are still a number of factors that mitigate against genuine friendship.

We are extremely mobile, moving from place to place, rarely settling down in one spot for a long time.
We are consumed by family life, pouring almost all our spare time into our children and what's left over into our spouse.
We are deceived by email and Facebook, imagining we have hundreds of spectacular relationships when actually we have lots of well-wishers and acquaintances and few flesh and blood friends.
We are entranced by one-way relationships, expending emotional energy as we bond with our favorite sitcom actor, sports star, or American Idol contestant.

Friendship is wonderful, and we all want it. But friends can be hard to come by. This is nothing new. A true friend has always been one of God's most sought after gifts. "Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find?" (Proverbs 20:6). Thankfully, the book of Proverbs says a lot about friendship. It won't help you find friends, at least not directly. But Proverbs will help you be a better friend. And the best friends usually have the best friends.

In particular, Proverbs invites us to ask three questions relative to friendship: Are you fake? Are you foul? Or are you faithful? We'll look at these three questions over the next three days. Be a friend and read along.

Liberty Will Reign in America

Tragically, the title of this post hasn't always been true for all people in this country. And still today liberty is denied millions of unborn Americans. But these realities–sad reminders of the fallen natures of all peoples and the imperfections of every nation–should not deter Americans from celebrating their country's independence and giving thanks to God for his special mercies to this special land. May God bless America.

I highly recommend the John Adams miniseries. You should also read the biography of John Adams by David McCullough. And 1776, by the same author, is just as excellent.

A Race for the Ages

This is fun.

HT: JT

June Book Briefs

Ah, summer sabbatical–more time to breathe and more time to read.

[image error]1. Perspectives on the Sabbath: Four Views, edited by Christopher John Donato (B&H Academic, 2011). A great overview of four major positions on the Sabbath: the seventh-day view (Skip MacCarty), the Christian Sabbath view (Joseph Pipa), the Lutheran view (Charles Arand), and the Fulfillment view (Craig Blomberg). The tone is charitable and all four contributions are thoughtful and articulate. On the downside, at 420 pages the book was too long. The Lutheran view was not much different than the Fulfillment view, except that Arand made his argument from Luther and the Lutheran confessions. I would have liked to see the book at least 100 pages shorter. The responses could have been edited and the final remarks (surrenjoinders) went much too long (20 pages in some cases). This made for a lot repetition. But still a very useful book.

2. D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Romans: Exposition of Chapter 6, The New Man (Banner of Truth, 1972). Lloyd-Jones was a great preacher and this volume retains the feel and form of his sermons, a series of expositions he gave on Friday nights to a packed house in London. I found MLJ particularly insightful on union with Christ and the theology of the old man/new man (which he sees as a position changed more than a nature replaced). You don't have to agree with every exegetical point or imitate his methodical preaching pace to find the Doctor invariably worth reading. This book is a good reference, an example of good preaching, and a means for spiritual growth.

3. John Owen, Communion With the Triune God, edited by Kelly Kapic and Justin Taylor (Crossway, 2007 [1657]). I tried reading this a couple years ago in the Banner of Truth edition. This new version by Crossway is much improved. The type is easy to read, archaic spellings have been updated, Latin phrases have been translated, paragraphs have been broken up, and headings added. Best of all, there is a 33-page outline at the beginning of the book which summarizes Owen's complex argument and will help the reader stay on track. This is a well-deserved classic, but not for the faint of heart. I skimmed parts and slowed down over the most interesting sections (which meant the stuff on sanctification for me). Kelly Kapic's introduction is also superb.

4. Walter Marshall, The Gospel Mystery of Sanctification: Growing in Holiness by Living in Union with Christ (Wipf and Stock, 2005 [1692]). Marshall wrote to combat the error that says even though we have been justified by a righteousness produced totally by Christ, we must be sanctified by a holiness totally produced by ourselves. This is certainly an error and Marshall writes forcefully (and repetitively) against it. His emphasis on union with Christ and faith in the process of sanctification is admirable. But at times it almost sounded like holiness would come automatically once we really believed enough. The irony is that in wanting to ground our assurance in nothing but faith, you can end up wondering whether you really have good enough faith to be saved.

5. James Andrew Miller and Tom Shales, Those Guys Have all the Fun: Inside the World of ESPN (Little, Brown and Company, 2011). I confess I had a hard time putting this big book down (over 750 pages!). I use the word "confess" on purpose, because I'm still not sure I should have read the whole thing. There were gratuitous profanities on every page and stories of sexual sin in every chapter. The sins were not described in a lurid way, but neither was their any real redemption for most of the persons involved. This is a coarse book about coarse people. Which is a shame, because the story of ESPN–the personalities, the risks, the triumphs, the failures, the sporting moments–is fascinating all by itself.

I grew up watching Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann do their thing (better than anyone before or since) on SportsCenter. I've logged hundreds of hours in front of ESPN so almost everything here was relentlessly interesting. But the book felt like a cheap way to make a buck. It read like a bunch of adults prompted to tattle on each other (which is saying something because most of these folks seem to assume that everyone on the planet gets smashed, sleeps around, and drops f-bombs every other sentence).

To make matter worse, the book isn't actually a book. It's a collection of transcribed interviews with very minimal explanation in between. There's little effort to put the story of ESPN into a cohesive narrative, little effort to sort through what is true in everyone's opinions, little to do more than let the famous people from ESPN tell stories. The worst page turner I've ever read.

Glory of God: Dust to Dust

John 21:15-19

This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God. (v. 19a)

Jesus expected Peter to glorify him, not only in living, but in dying. The Bible never says we should like pain. Jesus didn't like pain. If we liked it, it wouldn't be pain. But God sends us pain, and ultimately death, that we might more fully glorify him. We are to be like those martyrs in Revelation who "did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death" (12:11, NIV). When we value God more than living, and faithfulness and suffering more than compromise and ease, we show God to be supremely worthy of our affections and our allegiance. This brings him great glory.

Don't think the presence of suffering in your life means God is absent. Among other things, he is giving you an opportunity to honor him. I think of a dear man in our church with Multiple Sclerosis. He considers his disease a blessing because it has brought him so much closer to God.  I consider this man a sweet fragrance to the goodness of the gospel because he loves God more than his own health.

The joyful life is not always easy, but it always self-forgetful. Happiness is not thinking good thoughts about ourselves. It's thinking about ourselves less and God more. Behold, dying, we yet live.