Patrick Stuart's Blog, page 61

Another Shit 10th Canto - FQ Book 2 Canto 10

Have you read Geoffery of Monmouths History of the Kings of Britian? Well Spenser has, and he's going to precis the whole goddamn motherfucking book over one of the longest and most draningly turgid Cantos yet.

It's kind of amazing, after the 10th Canto of Book One, I didn't think it could get that bad again, and here we are, back with a second 10th Canto, and it's worse.

The opening line at least isn't bad;

"Who now shall give unto me words and sound.
Equall unto this haughtie enterprise?"

So its not a direct appeal to the muse but a more 'how to I even write something so amazing and important? Then we go into more pathetic courtier crawling to Elizabeth (apparently there's no evidence she ever even read the whole thing), then we go right into Monmouth.

If you haven't already read Monmouth then this will be less shit, if you have then its essentially Monmouth-in-rhyme, with most of it being a very, very, veeeeeery long list of almost-certainly imaginary people fucking each other over.

Its like someone reading out a Lexicanium article.

Some fun fragments;

Britain before humans is essentially the Chaos Wastes;

"But farre in land a savage nation dwelt,
Of hideous Giants, and halfe beastly men,
That never tasted grace, nor goodness felt,
But like wild beasts lurking in loathsome den,
And flying fast as Roebucke through the fen,
All naked without shame, or care of cold,
By hunting and by spoiling lived then;
Of stature huge, and eke of courage bold,
That sonnes of men amazd their sternnesse to behold."

Apparently these were born of Diocletians fifty daughters, who came here by chance and;

"Where companing with feends and filthy Sprights,
Through vaine illusion of their lust unclene,
They brought forth Giants and such dreadful wights,
As farre exceeded men in their immeasured mights."

Then Brutus the Trojan arrives with his guys and starts fighting the Giants and stuff, and throwing them about and things end up being named after dead Giants or the guys that killed them. And that does sound like a cool RPG setting actually.



Theres a slight proto-feminist gloss due to is being aimed at Elizabeth.

Verse 18 has Guendolene, the betrayed daughter of a king fighting her pervy husband, capturing him and ruling the country till her son comes of age.


We then get the whole King Lear story in much more detail than anything else and with Cordelia, again, avenging injustice and ruling, apparently, alone;

""He to Cordelia him selfe addrest,
Who with entire affection him receav'd,
As for her Syre and king her semmed best;
And after all an army strong she leav'd,
To war on those, which him had of his realm bereav'd.

So to his crowne she him restor'd againe,
I which he dyde, made ripe for death by eld,
And after wild, is should to her remaine:
Who peaceably the same long time did weld:
And all mens harts in dew obedience held:
Till that her sisters children, woxen strong
Through proud ambition, against her rebeld,
And overcommen kept in prison long,
Till wearie of that wreched life, her selfe she hong."



Verse 42 has a lady law-maker;

"A woman worthy of immortal prayse,
Which for this Realme found many goodly layes,
And wholesome Statues to her husband brought;
Her many deemd to have been on of the Fayes,
As was Aegerie that Numa tought;
Those yet of her be Mertian lawes both nam'd & thought."


Bouducia gets a pair of verses, then;

"And yet though overcome in haplesse fight,
She triumphed on death, in enemies despight."


Then blah, blah, blah, Romans etc.

It gets interesting at the end where we zoom back to Arthur reading all this in the old mans room. Because for him, this is the story of his family, which he doesn't know yet, so this is a Telenovella moment.

Then we get some not-that-good stuff from Arthur about the importance of patriotism;

"How brutish it is not to understand,
How much to her we owe, that all us gave,
That gave unto us all, what ever good we have."

Yes, very nice.

.................................


But, what about Guyons book about the history of Elves. Are we going to get another 70 verses just on that? Because I would read that shit.

Walter Crane"But Guyon all this while his booke did read,
Ne yet has ended: for it was a great
And ample volume, that doth far excead
My leasure, so long leaves here to repeat:"

So in this case we just get a summary.

It turns out that Elves were made by Prometheus;

"A man of many partes from beasts derived
And then stole fire from heaven to animate
His worke,"

ELVES ARE FRANKENSEINTS!

So the first Elf, called Elfe, goes wandering and in the gardens of Adonis, finds;

"A goodly creature, whom he deemd in mind
To be no earthly wight, but either Spright,
Or angell, th'authour of all woman kind;
Therefore a Fay he her according hight,
Of whom all Fayryes spring, and fetch their liniage right."

So fay are Frankenstein/Ghost (possibly angel) hybrids. Clearly they are from a 90's RPG.

The fresh race of Elves conquers the whole world, including America, builds a city called Celopolis, surrounded by a golden wall.

Then comes;

"His sonne was Elfinell, who overcame
The wicked Gobbelines in bloudy field:"

So there was an epic world-wide Elf-Goblin war.

A place called Panthea built "all of Christall".

A guy called Elfinor;

"..who was in Magik skild;
He built by art upon the glassy See
A bridge of bras, whose sound heavens thunder seem'd to bee."

Eventually we get Oberon, who, dying;

"... left the fairest Tanaquill,
Fairer and nobler liveth none this howre,
Ne like in grace, ne like in learned skill;
Therefore they Glorian call that glorious flowre,
Long mayst thou Glorian live, in glory and great powre."

And that's where the Faerie Queene comes from.

Book Two Canto Ten

Boring Fucking Bullshit - FQ Book 2 Canto 9

We open with Guyon and Arthur talking about the Faerie Queene (title call-out). Guyon goes on and on and on and on about how amazing she is. Arthur wants to meet and serve her.

Its often boring when two lawful good characters converse.

But we do at least get;


"And now faire Phoebus gan decline in hastHis weary wagon to the Westerne vale,"
They see a castle and approach the gate, asking for entry so they can stay the night. But look out, becasue this Canto's about to get (briefly) interesting;

"Fly, fly, good knights, (said he) fly fast away
If that your lives ye love, as meete ye should;
Fly fast, and save your selves from neare decay,
Here may ye not have entraunce, though we would:
We would and would again if that we could;
But thousand enemies about us rave,
And with long siege us in this castle hould:
Seven years this wize they us besieged have,
And many good knights slaine, that have us sought to save."

And look out because thes motherfuckers are right here and they are awesome chaos-cultist looking dudes!

"Thus as he spoke, loe with outragious cry
A thousand villains round about them swarmd
Out of the rockes and caves adjoyning nye,
Vile caytive wretches, ragged, rude, deformed,
All threatning death, all in strange manner armd,
Some with unwieldy clubs, some with long speares,
Some rusty knives, some staves in fire warmd.
Sterne was their looke, like wild amazed steares,
Staring with hollow eyes, and stiff upstanding heares."

So the Knights fight a thousand guys, which they can do as they are pretty high-level and also because they seem to be made of magic shadows;

"Hewing and slashing at their idle shades;
For though they beies seeme, yet substance from them fades."


They ask entry again and are denied, but the lady of the castle lets them in. This is Alma - a standard Spenserian virginal blonde who's name means 'nourishing'.

The castle is apparently meant to be an allegory for the human body. From the notes; "this episode has often been criticized".

No shit, its another 'Goldilocks' castle in which everything is 'just right, and therefore dull. Its a rhapsody in architecture, like the bit in Mammons realm, but where that was goth as fuck and had demons, this is like the Disney-castle version of that; long, detailed, boring and wierd, and its weirdness only rarely breaches the oozing swell of its detailed boringness. Its like a mid-american protestant bourgeois Disney dream of mediumness.

A handfull of good points;

"Not built of bricke, ne yet of stone and lime,
But of thing like that that AEgyptian slime,
Whereof king Nine whilome built Babel towre;"

Yes, its made of Egyptian Slime.

It has creepy sacred patriarchal geometaries;

"The frame thereof seemed partly circulare,
And part triangulare, o work divine;
Those two the first and last proportions are,
The one imperfect, mortall, foemeinine;
Th'other immortall, perfect, masculine,
And twixt them both a quadrate was the base,
Proportioned equally by seven and nine;
None was the circle set in heavens place,
All which compacted made a goodly Diyapase."

Whatever. I think thats all we need to hear of that part.

...........................

Eventually Arthur and Guyon meet some girls;

"And eke emongst them litle Cupid playd
His wanton sports, being returned late
From his fierce warres, and having from him laid
His cruell bow, wherewith he thousands hath dismayd."

Yes, in this castle, Cupid is disarmed, which tells you everything you need to know about how fucking dull it is. Wait, it gets even more boring;

"Diverse delights they found them selves to please;
Some song in sweet consort, some laughed for joy,
Some plaid with strawes, some idly sat at ease;
But other some could not abide to toy,
All pleasaunce was to them griefe and annoy:
This fround, that faund, the third for shame did blush,
Another seemed anvious or coy,
Another in her teeth did gnaw a rush:
But at these strangers presence every one did blush."

It's impossible for me to tell if Spenser is taking the piss out of himself with this part.

Arthur meets Prays-desire who essentially kind of give him shit about not getting any further with his quest. Guyon meets Shamefastenesse, who is literally made of embarrassment and won't even look at him.

............................

There is one good bit at the end, Alma has three advisers, one can see the future, one the present and one the past. All so classically standard, but the descriptions are very good;

"His chamber was dispainted all within,
With sundry colours, in the which were writ
Infinite shapes of things dispersed thin;
Some such as in the wrold were never yit,
Ne can devized be of mortall wit;
Some daily seene, and knowen by their names,
Such as in idle fantasies do flit:
Infernall Hags, Centaurs, feendes, Hippodames,
Apes, Lions, AEgles, Owles, fooles, lovers, children, Dames.

And all the chamber filled was with flyes,
Which buzzed all about and made such sound,
That they encombred all mens ears and eyes,
Like many swarms of Bees assembled round,
After their hives with honny do about:
All those were idle thoughts and fantasies,
Devices, dreames, opinions unsound,
Shewes, visions, sooth-says, and prophesies;
And all the fained is, as leasings, tales, and lies.

Emongst them all sate he, which wonned there,
That hight Phantastes by his nature trew;
A man of years yet fresh, as mote appere,
Of swarth complexion and of crabbed hew,
That him full of melancholy did shew;
Bent hollow beetle broes, sharpe staring eyes,
That mad or foolish seemd: with ill disposed skyes,
When oblique Saturne sate in the house of agonyes."

Thats the first guy, there's also a now-guy who sits in a room;

"...... whose wals
Were painted faire with memorable gestes,
Of famous Wisards, and with picturals
Of Magistrates, of courst, of tribunals,
Of commen wealths of states, of pollicy,
Of lawes, of judgements, and of decretals;
All artes, all science, all Philosophy,
And all that in the world was aye thought wittily."

And then the old guy who thinks about the past, and its in this old library-room that Arthur and Guyon each find a book relevant to themselves.

Arthur finds Briton moniments "That of this lands first conquest did devize", and Guyon finds Antiquitie of Faerie lond, "Th'off-spring of Elves and Faries there he fond,".

"Wherat they burning both with fervant fire,
Their countries auncestry to understand,"

They sit down and read - what they read I think makes up the next Canto, which has 77 verses, making it the longest yet.

Book Two Canto Nine
Podcast Linke

Wyde was the wound - FQ Book 2 Canto 8

Its a Baggins.

Our Hero spends most of this Canto knocked out while people fight over his body. Despite that sounding like the worst idea for a Canto ever, this one is almost entirely a giant raw-as fuck fight scene, at which Spenser is exceptionally good.

It also makes almost no practical sense in any way but I feel that anyone who cared about gave up on this some time ago.

....................


We start with an usually militant and visionary opening statement. This is the first time we have ever started a Canto with a question;

"And is there care in heaven?"

Answer from Spenser - YES BECAUSE VIOLENT ANGELS ARE EVERYWHERE FIGHTING FOR US.

"How oft do they with golden pineons cleave
The flitting skyes, like flying Pursuivant,
Against foule feends to aide us millitant?
They for us fight, they watch and dewly ward,
And their bright Squadrons round about us plant,
And all for love, and nothing for reward:"

And this explains and excuses one of a series of (logically) ridiculous  and (literal in one case (deux es machina) that allows for one thing: ACTION SCENE.

The Blacke Palmer has somehow crossed the Idle Lake and is wandering when he hears a voice calling. He follows it to find Guyon passed out and finds and actual literal motherfucking angel;

"Beside his head there sate a faire young man,
Of wonderous beautie, and of freshest yeares,
Whose tender bud to blossome new began,
And flourish faire above his equall peares;
His snowy front curled with golden heares,
Like _Phoebus_ face adornd with sunny rayes,
Decked with diverse plumes, like painted Jayes,
Were fixed at his backe, to cut his ayerie wayes."

I know its not a full appearance, but its the first mention we've had in a while;



The Angel tells the Palmer that Guyon is going to be OK, that the Angel will be watching out for him and to look after the guy and then BLAM;

"So having said, eftsoones he gan display
His painted nimble wings, and vanisht quite away."

The Palmer seeing his left empty place,
And his slow eyes beguiled of their sight,
Woxe sore affraid, and standing still a space,
Gaz'd after him, as fowle escapt by flight;"

................................

But look out because team bad-guy is on the scene.;

"Two Payim knights, all armed as bright as skie,"

Pyrochles, Cymochles, Archimago and Atin have also got back together (somehow) and have lost none of their hatred for Guyon or absolute hypocritical dickishness;

"......... Thou dotard vile,
That with thy bruteness, shendst thy comley age,
Abandone soone, I read, the cative spoil
Of that same outcast carkasse,"

Now we have a long debate on whether its reasonable to chop up and rob the body of your dead/sleeping foe, with the Palmer being, unsurprisingly, against;

"Ville is the vengance on the ashes cold,
And envy base to bark at sleeping fame,
........
But leave these relicks of his living might,
To deck his herse, and trap his tomb-blacke steed."

Pyrochles replies;

"What herse or steed (said he) should he have dight*,
But be entombed in the raven or the kite?"

*dight - prepared.

(Also I got this bit wrong in the reading so my apologies.)

They are about to despoil Guyon when whom should arrive?


...................................


PRINCE ARTHUR GUEST APPEARANCE.

Pyrochles and Cymochles prepare to fight, Pyrochles has no sword, but Archimago does;

"The metall first he mixt with Medaewart,
That no enchauntment from his dint might save;
Then in flames of Aetna wrought apart,
And seven times dipped in the bitter wave
Of hellish Styx, which hidden vertue to it gave."

So this poison-infused, volcano-forged, hell-river-dipped blade is super magic, BUT, it is Arthurs own sword;

"Wherefore Morddure it rightfully is hight.
In vaine therefore, Pyrochles, should I lend
The same to thee, against his lord to fight,
For sure it would deceive thy labour, and thy might."

Pyrochles is like 'whatever, nerd,' grabs Morddure and Guyons shield and is off.

(By this point I think we just have to accept that Guyons sheild is going to re-grow between Cantos.)

Arthur asks what is going on and tries to calm things down with customary Arthurian tact;

"Palmer (said he) no knight so rude, I weene,
As to doen outrage to a sleeping ghost:
Ne was there ever noble courage seene,
That in advantage would his pussiance bost:
Honour is least, where oddes appeareth most.
May be, that better reason will asswage,
The rash revengers heat. Words well dispost
Have secret powre, t'appease inflamed rage:
If not, leave unto me thy knights last patronage."

This is Pyrochles he's talking about, so, like fuck will reason work;

"Pyrochles gan reply the second time,
And to him said, Now felon sure I read,
How that thou art partaker of his crime:
Therefore by Termagaunt thou shalt be dead."

So a battle is on!

Eugene DelacroixThis is not that fight but I couldn't find an illustration of it.

Pyrochles swings on Arthur, misses;

"The faithfull steele such treason no'uld endure,
But swarving from the marke, his Lords life did assure."


Arthur attacks with his spear;

"But ere the point arrived, where it ought,
That seven-fold shield, which he from Guyon brought
He cast betweene to ward the biter stound:
Though all those foldes the steelehead passage wrought
And through his shoulder pierst; wherwith to ground
He groveling fell, all gored in his gushing wound."


Cymochles sees this and freaks out;

"And fowly said, By Mahoune, cursed thief,
That direfull stroke thou dearly shalt aby."


And hits Arthur do hard on his crest he knocks him from his horse;

"Now was the Prince in daungerous distresse,
Wanting his sword, when he on foot should fight:"


Together they wail on Arthur;

"With hideous strokes, and importable powre,
That forced him his ground to traverse wide,
And wisely watch to ward that deadly stowre:"


Arthur strikes back;

"At proud Cymochles, whiles his shield was wyde,
That through his thigh the mortall steele did gryde:"


Pyrochles sees this and begins to weep and says;

"Catyive, cursse on thy cruell hond,
That twise hath sped; yet shall it not thee keepe"


He strikes again but Morddure still won't hit Arthur. However, Cymochles does manage to;

"... upon his troncheon smyte,
Which hewing quite a sunder, further way
It made, and on his hacqueston did lyte,
The which dividing with importune sway,
Is siezed in his right side, and there the dint did stay.

Wyde was the wound, and a large lukewarm flood,
Red as the Rose, thence gushed grievously;"


Arthurs in trouble, wounded and with no point to his spear, but Spenser is about to invent a Hollywood cliche;

"Whom when the Palmer saw in such distresse,
Sir, Guyons sword he lightly to him raught,
And said; faire Son, great God thy right hand blesse,
To use that sword so wisely as it ought."


Arthur comes back so hard his ferocity requires two new animal metaphors;

"Then like a Lion, which hath long time saught
His robbed whelpes, and at the last them fond
Emongst the shepheard swaynes, then wexeth wood and yond."

....

As salvage Bull, whom two fierce mastive bayt,
When rancour doth with rage him once engore,
Forgets with warie ward them to await,
But with his dreadful hornes them drives afore,
Or flings aloft, or treads down in the flore,
Breathing out wrath, and bellowing distaine,
That all the forrest quakes to heare him rore:"


But Arthur can't really hit Pyrochles much as he is warded by Guyons shield, painted with the Fairy Queen, the girl Arthur is into.


Cymochles sees they are maybe losing, freaks out and;

"Resolv'd to put away that loathly blame,
Or dye with honour and sesert of fame;"


He strikes Arthur so far it parts mail, bites flesh and makes him reel, but Arthur responds;

"He stroke so hugely with his borrowd blade,
That it empierst the Pagans burganet,
And cleaving the hard steele, did deep invade
Into his head, and cruell passage made
Quite through his braine."


Cymochles dies, and immediately goes straight to Hell (which is conveniently nearby if you remember the last Canto), presumably for all of those Nymphs he boned.


Pyrochles sees his brother die, he takes it about as well as you would expect;

"Traytour what hast thou doen? hoe ever may
Thy cursed hand so cruelly have swayd
Against that knight: Harrow and well away
After so wicked deed why liv'st thou longer day?"


Pyrochles Hulks out and uses his once-per-encounter attack. Arthur calmly endures this.


Pyrochles finally realises that Morddure won't hit Arthur full-on, throws down his blade and goes full WWE with a flying tackle;

"Thinking to overthrow and downe him tred;"


This does not work out the way he'd hoped, he ends up disarmed, on his back, with Arthurs blade at his throat. Pyrochles;

"Did not once move, nor upward cast his eye,
For vile distain and rancour, which did gnaw
His heart in twaine with sad melancholy,
As one that loathed life, and yet despised to dye."

Arthur offers him mercy. Pyrochles is having none of it;

"Foole (said the Pagan) I thy gift defye,
But use thy fortune, as it doth befall,
And say, that I not overcome do dye,
But in despight of life, for death to call."

For a moment it looks like we are going to get dumb, sleepy, stupidly-merciful Arthur.

NOPE.

"His shining Helmet he gan soone unlace,
And left his headlesse body  bleeding all the place."


..............................


The fight, over. Guyon wakes up;

"And sword saw not, he wexed wondrous woe:
But when the Palmer, whom he long ygoe
Had lost, he by him spide, right glad he grew,
And said, Deare sir, whom wandring to and fro
I long have lackt, I joy thy face to vew;
Firme is thy faith whom danger ever fro me drew."

And the rest is mere lyrical logistics.


Book Two, Canto Eight

CAVES! - FQ Book 2 Canto 7

This is a long, un-dramatic Canto with some fun poetry and cool scenes. A good one if you like caves or deep places.

Guyon meets Mammon, who takes him into the earth to offer him money. Guyon says no thanks. mammon offers again. Guyon keeps saying no. Eventually Mammon brings him back.

Its un-dramatic becasue at no point is Guyons temperance challenged in any meaningful way. Even though his Palmer isn't there, the moral threat is obvious, direct, never changes and is easy to resist in exactly the same way every time. There are no wierd mysteries here and no Renaissance moral-mazes.

.............

So; Guyon is seperated  from his 'Blacke Palmer' and goes forth into the wilderness.

Then, sitting in secret shade, he finds a strange dude;

"His face with smoke was tand, and eyes were bleard,
His head and beard with sout were ill bedight,
His cole-blacke hands did seeme to have beene seard
In smithes fire-spitting forge, and nayles like clawes appeared.

His yron cote all overgrowne with rust,
Was underneath enveloped all with gold,
Whose glistring glosse darkned with filthy dust,
Well it appeared, to have beene of old
A worke of rich entayle, and curious mould,
Woven with antickes and wild Imagery:
And in his lap a masse of coyne he told,
And turned upsidedown, to feed his eye
And coverous desire with his huge treasury."

This is;

"God of the world and worldlings I me call,
Great Mammon greatest god below the skye,"

And the first thing he does on seeing Guyon is to start tipping allhis many treasures;

"Into the hollow earth, them there to hide."

Then he calms down, realises who he's talking to and begins to make the customary offer;

"Wherefore if me thou deine to serve and sew,
At thy command lo all these mountains bee;"

There is no chance of this happening, Guyon prefers;

"Faire shields, gay steeds, bright armes be my delight:"

Then they argue about the corrupting and interlocking nature of money and power. Then about the simplicity and purity of antique times. The invention of mining;

"Then gan a curded hand the quiet wombe
Of his great Grandmother with steele to wound,
And the hid treasures in her sacred tombe,
With sacrilidge to dig."

Then Mammon leads Guyon into the earth;

"A darkesome way which no man could descry,
That deepe descended through the hollow ground,
And was with dread and horrour compassed round."

And there we have magnificent horrors personified, but I will leave that to the verse.

We see the doors to 'Richnesse', guarded by self-consuming care, and the door to Sleep, both very near the door to Hell. Guyon enters and is followed contiously by a monster;

"Ab ugly feend, more fowle than dismall day,
The which with monsterous stalke behind him stept,
And ever as he went, dew watch upon him kept.

Well hoped he, ere long that hardy guest,
If ever covetous hand, or lustfull eye,
Or lips he layed on thing, that liked him best,
Or ever sleepe his eye-strings did untye,
Should be his pray. And therefore still on hye
He over him did hild his cruell clawes,
Threatening with greedy gripe to do him dye
And rend in peeces with his ravenous pawes,
If ever he transgrest the fatall Stygian lawes."

Really, if you are tyring to bribe someone, the monster is mistake.

We see a cave with treasures. Guyon says no. Mammon tries another tactic and takes him to the Hieronomous Bosh room

"Therein an hundred raunges weren pight,
And hundred fornaces all burning bright;
By evert fornace many feends did bide,
Deformed creatures, horrible in sight,
And every feend his busy pains applied,
To melt the golden metall, ready to be tried."

Guyon gives no fucks,

They visit a golden golem;

"A sturdy villien, striding stiff and bold,
As if that highest God defie he would;
In his right hand and yron club he held,
But he mimself was all of golden mould,
Yet had both life and sense, and well could wield
That cursd weapon, when his cruell foes he queld.

Disdayne he called was, and did disdaine
To be so cald, and who so did him call:
Sterne was his looke, and full of stomacke vaine,
His portuance terrible, and stature tall,
Far passing th'height of men terrestriall;
Like an huge Gyant of the Titans race;
That made him scorne all creatures great and small,
And with his pride all others powre deface:
More fit amongst blacke fiendes, then men to have his place."

The halls of Ambition (who is a hot dame);

"Some though to raise themselves to high degree,
By riches and unrighteous reward,
Some by close shouldring, some by flateree;
Other through friends, others for base regard;
And all by wrong ways for themselves prepared.
Those that were up themselves, kept other low,
Those that were low themselves, held others hard,
Ne suffred them to rise of greater grow,
But every one did strive his fellow downe to throw."

Then the Garden of Prosperina;

"..Into a gardin goodly garnished
With hearbs and fruits, whose kinds mote not be red:
Not such, as earth out of her fruitful woomb
Throwes forth to men, sweet and well savoured,
But direful deadly blacke both leafe and bloom,
Fit to adorne the dead, and decke the drery toombe.

There mournfull Cypresse grew in greatest store,
And trees of bitter Gall and Hebren sad,
Dead sleeping Poppy, and black Hellebore,
Cold Coloquintida and Tetra mad,
Mortal Samnitis, and Cicuta bad,
Which with th' unjust Atheniens made to dy
Wise Socrates, who thereof quaffing glad
Pourd out his life, and last Philosophy
To the faire Critas his dearest Belamy."

Mournfull Cypress Black Hellebore Bitter Gall sleeping poppy Cicuta
Which I would like to visit, except a rive of dammned souls goes right outside and you can hear the screaming continualy.

Then a loooot a greek metaphors.

Guyon says no, no, no thank you, nein, neit, non, nah, and NO. Eventually Mammon has to take him back to the surface. Since Guyon has been without food and drink for three days, he passes out. And that's Canto Seven.

Book Two Canto Seven
Thine Faire Podcaste

haberieons dismaiyled - FQ Book 2 Canto 6

This is a very strange Canto, it has elements of the 'mirror to knighthood' where we see chivalric values reversed, but the context seems to turn them almost into farce. Or not? I'm not sure. It seems either somewhat silly or more morally complex than this poem usually is.

..........

Cymochles is looking for Guyon to take revenge for the presumed death of his brother. He and Atin come upon a wide river, and see;

"A litle Gondelay, bedecked trim
With boughs and arbours woven cunningly,
That like a little forest seemed outwardly.

And therein sat a Ladie fresh and fair,
Making sweet solace to her self alone;
Sometimes she sung, as loud a lark in air,
Sometimes she laughed, that nigh her breath was gone,
Yet was there not with her else any one,
That might to her move cause of merriment:
Matter of mirth enough, though there were none
She could devise, and thousand ways invent,
To feed her foolish humour, and vain jolliment."

Another beautifully-drawn, and very strange Spencerian character. This jolly Uber driver rides around in a magic boat;

"More swift, then swallow shears the liquid sky,"

which is a fucking great line. The boat steers itself and the Lady will take only knights, one at a time, and no-one else. Cymochles gets in (she won't let Atin get on) and she rambles to him;

"Her light behaviour, and loose dalliance,
Gave wonderous great contentment to the knight,
That of his way, he had no souvenaunce,
But to weak wench did yield his martial might.
So easy was to quench his flamed mind
With one sweet drop of sensual delight,
So easy is,t'appease the story wind
Of malice in the calm of pleasant womankind."

This is Phoedra, a servant of Acrasia and she leads Cymochles across this inland sea called the Idle Lake to an island, where there is a bower, with all the birds and streams and whatever, but no Damizels this time, and there she lulls him to sleep.

Ok at this stage I have no idea if this is good or bad, lesson or farce.

Then Phoedra gets back in her boat, which takes her to Guyon, who is also trying to cross the same river/lake, from the other side.

She lets Guyon on (but not the 'Blacke Palmer') and does exactly the same thing to him.

Guyon is a bit more "wise and wary of her will", and does not get sung to sleep.

At the same time Cymochles wakes up in shock and shame for forgetting about his (presumed dead) brother, storms off and runs right into Guyon and Phoedra;

"And therewithall he fiercely at him flew,
And with importune outrage him assailed;
Who soon prepared to field, his sword forth drew,
And him with equal alue countervailed:
Their mighty strokes their haberieons dismaiyled,
And naked made each others manly spalles;
The mortal steel despiteously entailed
Deep in their flesh, quite through the yron walls,
That a large purple stream adown their garments falles."

Not only that but Cymochles takes another chunk out of Guyons shield;

"..thereof nigh one quater sheared away;"

Ok, a quarter of whatever it originally was before Pyrochles took his chunk out of it, or a quarter of what was left? How much shield does this guy even have? How is he surviving the massive blood loss? Who's repairing his armour and mail because fuck all of that should be left? Is the Palmer also a blacksmith? Is that where he got the 'yron chains' to bind Furor? What time is it? What the fuck is going on?

Phoedra pulls a classic 'throwing herself between two knights move and appeals for them to do battle in a more sexy way? I mean;

"Such cruell game my scarmoges disarmes:
Another warre, and other weapons I
Doe love, where love does give his sweet alarmes,
Without bloudshed, and where the enemy
Does yeild unto his foe a pleasant victory."

Ok is this an invitation to a threesome or am I having a breakdown?

Phoedra calms down Cymochles and decides to get rid of Guyon as he is;

"A foe of folly and immodest toy,"

So takes him to the opposite bank, where he finds Atin still waiting for his knight. Who went to kill Guyon.

He rails at Guyon for a bit, but Guyon being Guyon, he just leaves, and that's the last we see of him this Canto.


........................

This is a three-act Canto though, and more crazy shit is to come. Atin sees;

"An armed knight, that towards him fast ran,
He ran on foot, as if in lucklesse warre
His forlorne steed from him the victour wan;
He seemed breathlesse, hartlesse, faint and wan,"

This guy leaps right in the river, and then;

"The waves about, and all his armour swept,
That all the bloud and filth away was washt,
Yet still he bet the water, and the billowes dasht."

Looking closer, Atin finds his thought-dead master Pyrochles. Pyrochles is burning up inside;

"I burne, I burne, I burne, then loud he cryde,
O how I burne with implacable fire,
Yet nought can quench mine inly flaming syde,
Nor sea of loquor cold, nor lake of mire,
Nothing but death can do me to respire."

Pryrocles has been wounded with the fire given to Furor in the last Canto, fire from the rivers of hell that is now consuming him inwardly and which nothing can prevent.

Atin dives into the river to save him but;

"The waves thereof so slow and sluggish were,
Engrost with mud, which did them foul agrise,
That ever weightie thing they did upbear,
Ne ought mote ever inke down to the bottom there."

So now they are sinking and drowning and burning in a big goddamn pile, when who should happen by?

"Lo, to that shore one in an auncient gowne,
Whose hoarie locks great garvity did crown,
Holding in hand a goodly sword,
By fortune came, led with a troublous sowne:

.........


Him Atin spying, knew right well of yore,
And loudly cald, Helpe helpe, o Archimage:"


HE'S BACK PEOPLE. DARK DEEDS DONE RIGHT.
Archimago searches the wounds and uses balms, herbs and 'mighty spels' and heals Pyrocles.


Another 'bad guy episode' where none of the main heroic characters are around but we see that all of these 'baddies' from different 'episodes' all have interrelationships with each other, even when the heroes aren't around, and will help each other sometimes, even when it has nothing to do with dicking a hero about.

I really like these but as we go on I continually find them fucking bizzare becasue EVERY character is a literalised metaphor/allegory whatever for a very particular value, sin, quality, emotion or way of being.

With the legendary entities, where Spenser can say, 'oh, they are the grandsons of Night' or whatever, it almost makes sense. But with the non-legenarady ones which he not only did not not adapt but clearly made up, why do they have this bad-guy ecology behind the scenes?

Is it some even-more-elaborate allegory that Renaissance courtiers would get and be like 'Ah yes, of course Archimago will assist Pyrochles with Furor, that makes perfect sense."

Or is it Spenser being, essentially a nerd, and getting carried away with either his poetry or his world-building or both?

Or is it something else?

Book Two Canto 6
Podcast Linke

Fast & Furious - FQ Book 2 Canto 5

Pyrochles, true to his name and nature, doesn't fuck about;

"Approaching nigh, he never stayed to greet,
Nor chaffar words, proud courage to provoke,
But prickt so fierce, that underneath his feet
The smouldering dust did round about him smoke,
Both horse and man nigh able for to choke;"

And then just straight up charges Guyon. Guyon strikes but his blow glances off Pyrochles shield and CHOPS THE FUCKING HORSES HEAD OFF.

(Honestly, for a poem which has been multiply illustrated since its creation, there is a *lot* of really fucking violent action-movie shit and super-pervy stuff that no-one seems to have done. You could easily do an entirely-valid X-Rated modern illustrated version.)

Pyrochles goes down but comes right back up cursing Guyon for his dishonour and immediately cuts through the upper parts of Guyons shield, leaving an open gash in his helmet.

Guyon hurls 'high his yorn braced arm' and cuts down through Pyrochles shoulder plate;

"Yet there the steele stayed not, but inly bate
Deepe in his flesh, and opened wide a red floodgate."

Pyrochles is still the guy called Pyrochles so;

"Remembered he, nor cared for his safeguard,
But rudely raged, and like a cruel Tiger fared.

He hewed and lashed, and foined, and thundered blows,
And every way did seek into his life,
No plate, no mail could ward so mighty throwes,
But yielded passage to his cruell knife.
But Guyon, in the heat of all his strife,
Was wary wise, and closely did await
Avauntage, whilest his foe did rage most rife;
Sometimes a thwart, sometimes he strooke him straight,
And falsed oft his blows, t'illude him with such bait."

He were have a genre-classic 'hot vs cold' battle, like that other great piece of myth-making,


Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.

Eventually, Pyrochles is worn down and falls to a knee, then Guyon;

"That straight on ground he made him full low to lie;
Then on his breast his victor foot he thrust."

You know what this is a good time for? A lecture about Temperance;

"Fly, O Pyrochles, fly the dreadful war,
That in thy self they lesser parts do move,
Outragerous anger, and woe-working jarre,
Direful impatience, and heart-murdering love;
Those, those thy foes, those warriors far remove,
Which thee to endlesse bale captive lead."

Pyrochles tells Guyon that the only reason he was attacking was because Guyon had chained up an old woman and asks him to free Occasion and her son.

"Thereat Sir Guyon smilde,"

He lets Pyrochles free the pair. Things do not go well. Occasion starts shit again. Furor grows so powerful from the anger that he becomes unstoppable, he picks up Pyrochles, batters him and drags him through the dirt. Pyrochles calls for help;

"Helpe, o Sir Guyon, helpe most noble knight,
To rid a wreched man from hands of hellish wight."

Guyon is about to help when his Palmer stops him;

"He that his sorrow sought through wilfulness,
And his foe fettered would release again,
Deserves to taste his follies fruit, repented pain."

Harsh.

.................................


Now the mid-Canto scene-shift. Atin the squire of Pyrochles, thinks he died in the first exchange and runs straight off to Cymochles, his brother, who is a servant of Acrasia.

We find him in extremely pervy circumstances;

"In dainty delices, and lavish joys,
Having his warlike weapons cast behind,
And flowes in pleasures, and vain pleasing toys,
Mingled amongst loose Ladies, and lasciuious boyes."

Which I think is the first reference to homosexualtiy in the poem.

In this bower, even the plants are slutty;

"With nature, did an Arber green dispred,
Framed of wanton Yvie, flowering fair,
Through which the fragrant Eglantine did spread
His pricking arms, entrailed with roses red,"

We have a trickling stream, singing birds, and there;

"In secret shadow from the sunny ray,
On a sweet bed of lillies softly laid,
Amids a flock of Damzels fresh and gay,"

Is Cymochles. And yes we get a lot on the Damizels;

"Every of which did looslely dissaray
Her upperparts of meet abilitments,
And showed them naked, decked with many ornaments."

And every of them strove, with most delight,
Him to aggrate, and greatest pleasures show;
Some framed fair looks, glancing like evening lights
Others sweet words, dropping like honey dew;
Some bathed kissed, and did soft embrew
The sugred liquor through his melting lips:
One boasts her beauty, and does yield to view
Her dainty limbs above her tender hips;
Another her out boasts, and all for trial strips."

Cymochles is pretending to be asleep and perving on the girls;

"So, he them decieves, decieved in his deciet,
made drunk with drugs of dear voluptuous reciept."

Soon Atin arrives to ruin everything and Cymochles is off on a mission of revenge.

Book Two Canto Five
Podcast Linke

Burnt do I burne - FQ Book 3 Canto 4

Guyon encounters a more strange figures;

"A mad man, or that feigned mad to bee,
Drew by the hair along upon the ground,
A handsome stripling with great crueltee,
Whom sore he bett, and gor'd with many a wound,
That cheeks with teares, and sides with bloud did all abound.

And him behind, a wicked Hag did stalke,
In ragged robes, and filthy disaray,

........

And ever as she went, her tongue did walke
In foule reproch, and termes of vile despight,
Provoking him by her outrageous talke,
To heape more vengance on that wretched wight;"

So the hag tortures the mandman and the madman tortures the knight.

Guyon decides to break up this extremely intemperate scene. First he pushes back the Hag and wrestles with the madman, Furor, another character who reminds me of myself;

"And sure he was a man of mickle might,
He had governance, it well to guide:
But when he frantick fit inflamd his spright,
His force was vaine, and strooke more often wide,
Then at the aymed marke, which he had eide:
And ofte himselfe he chaunst to hurt unwares,
Whilst reason blent through passion, nought descried,
But as a blindfold Bull at randon fares,
And where he hits, nought knowes, & whom he hurts, nought cares."

They wrestle it up a bit, it looks like the madman is going to win, but then he

"Overthrew himself unwares, and lower lay.

And being downe the villain sore did beat,
And bruze with clownish fists his manly face:"

The Hag Occasion calls on the madman to murder, Guyon starts to lose his shit and draws his sword to "maintaine he part".

Luckily he has his Palmer with him who stops him and, again, surprisingly late in the scene, delivers information that maybe would have been more useful before things kicked off.

"He is not such a foe,
As steele can wound, or strength can overthroe."

The madman is called Furor and his mother, the Hag named Occasion. If you want to tame Furor, you must first bind Occasion.

So Guyon does this, grabs the Hag by the forelock (the back of her head is bald and she can't be grabbed once she is past, you have to stop Occasion before she arrives), fastens an "yron lock" around her tongue and then binds her hands to a stake.

Furor runs away at this, Guyon chases himm grabs him and;

"With hundred yron chaines he did him bind,
And hundred knots that did him sore constraine:
Yet his great yron teeth he still did grind,
And grimly gnash, threatning revenge in vaine:
His burning eyen, whom bloudie strakes did staine,
Stared full wide, and threw forth sparkes of fire,
And more for ranck despight, then forgreat paine,
Shakt his long lockes, coloured like copper-wire,
And bit his tawny beard to shew his raging ire."

Walter Crane I think)(Can yron teeth bite through yron chains?)
Guyon then hears the story of the captured Knight. Its a lot less interesting than the monster stuff. Standard Shakespeare plot. Raised with squire a brother. Really into a girl. Squire betrays & tricks him; gets slutty handmaid to dress up as the girl, squire dresses as another dude, arranges to be seen by the Knight. Knight goes crazy with jealousy, kills the girl he's into. handmaid confesses, knight kills Squire with poison, then chases Handmaid to kill her.

"Till this mad man, whom your victorious might
Hath now fast bound, me met in middle space,
As I her, so he me pursued apace,"

Then the Palmer delivers another speech about contolling your emotions, of which I quite liked this unusual, and dark, verse;

"Wrath, jealousy, grief, love do thus expel:
Wrath is a fire, and jealosy a weede,
Grief is a flood, and love a monster fell;
The fire of sparks, the weed of little seed,
The flood of drops, the Monster filth did breed:
But sparks, seeds, drops, and filth do thus delay;
The sparks soon quench, the springing seed outweed
The drops dry up, and filth wipe clean away:
So shall wrath, jealousy, grief, love die and decay."


.........................

Then we come into the traditional second part of the Canto in which a new badass is introduced. In fact this is only the introduction to the introduced of the badass. You can always tell when a high level boss is appearing in the Faerie Queene as they have a kind of announcer to tell you they will be turning up and to be scared of them, as Despair had his frightened Knight, so this bad guy has;

"A varlet running towards hastily,
...
His countenaunce was bold, and bashed not
For Guyons lookes, but scornefull eyglaunce at him shot."

Behind his back he bore a brasen sheild,
On which was drawen faire, in colours fit,
A flaming fire in midst of bloody field,
And round about the wreath this word was writ,
Burnt do I burne. Right well beseemed it,
To b the sheild of some redoubted knight;
And in his hand two darts exceeding flit,
And deadly sharpe he held, whose heads were dight
In poyson and in bloud, of malice and despight."

This guy, Atin warns Guyon that his master, a super Knight, is coming here and that Guyon better GTFO already. This is Pyrochles, brother of Cymochles, sons of old Acrates and Despight, Acreates who was son of Phlegeton and Jarre, Phlegeton who was son of Herebus and Night, Herebus who was son of Aeternitie.

So, let me count, four generations descended from Eternity?

(I know we had some of Nights family in the previous Canto, has anyone ever done the heavenly/unheavenly family trees for the supernatural characters in the Faerie Queene? That sounds like it would be very useful for RPG-ers. It would actually be a fucking crazy setting to visit if it was all broken down into geography.

Also I know I said I would keep a count of weird qualities to form into charts but I'm sorry I just don't have the time.)

Anyway, this guy Pyrochles likes to start shit and he's coming here to look for Occasion so she can help him with that.

Guyon - Oh I've got Occasion tied up right here..

Atin - Motherfucker what do you think you are doing tying up old women?

Guyon - Well... its complicated..

Atin - Throws deadly dart & runs off.

Guyon - Blocks.

Get ready for a fight next Canto I guess.

Book Two Canto Four
Podcast Link
Pyrochles - as it sounds, essentially 'Firey Guy'

Cymochles - 'One who constantly fluctuates'

Acrates - 'without control' seems the male version of _acrasia_, maybe from a parralel comic book universe?

Phlegeton - a river in hell.

Jar - 'discord'.

Heberus - probably the Greek god.

His Kestrell Kind - FQ Book 2 Canto 3

You can hear me almost laughing through much of this one so if you are only listening to or reading a few of these then this is one of the fun ones.

The opening solar metaphors are back! It's not Phoebus this time but we do at least get purple beams and "Titan playing on the eastern streams".

Redcrosse gives the boody-handed Baby to Medina and asks her to raise it in "vertuous lore", "gentle noriture" and TOTAL VENGANCE. So no problem there. The baby is to be called "Ruddymane".

We then get a reminder of Guyons horse being stolen, meaning "his Palmer now shall foot no more alone", then its a flashback to the actual theft.


Enter one of my favourite characters so far; Braggadochio, a name so long I consistently mispronounce it. Who is Braggadochio?

"One that to bounty never cast his mind,
Nor thought of honour ever did assay
His baser breast, but in his kestrel kind
A pleasing vein of glory vain did find,
To which his flowing tongue, and troublous spright
Gave him great aid, and made him more inclined:"

Braggadochio finds the horse and spear, steals them both and "ran away full light".

Braggadochio dreams of glory and status, he comes directly upon an old man sitting on the bank and immediately threatens him with total destruction, for no reason.

"The seely man seeing him ride so rancke,
And aim at him, fell flat to ground for fear,
And crying Mercy loud, his piteous hands gan rear.

Thereat the Scarecrow wexed wonderous proud,
Through fortune of his first adventure fair,
And with big thundering voice reviled him loud;
Vile Cative, vassall of dread and despair,
Unworthy of the commune breathed air,
Why livest thou, dead dog, a longer day?
And doest theyself my captive yeild for ay;
Great favour I thee grant, for answer thus to stay."

This old man immediately crawls shamelessly to Braggadochio and "cleeped him to his liege, to hild of him in fee."

BUT

"when he felt the folly of his Lord,
In his own kind he gan himself unfold:
For he was wily witted and grown old
In cunning sleights and practick knavery."

The old man is Trompart, and together with Braggadochio they make the most perfect anti-chivalric mirror pair yet conceived in the book. Shameless total cowards and glorious liars. But it gets better, because who is the first person they run into?



Archimago's back! The Knight-hating super-wizard and original Archmage sees the pair and, thinking Braggadochio a real knight, decides to inveigle them into an anti-Guyon scheme.

His lies meet with absolute approval from Braggadochio;

"Old man, great sure shall be thy meed,
If where those knights for fear of due vengance
Do lurk, thou cert to me areed,
That I may wreak on them their hainous hateful deed."

Archimago is thrilled by this but says Braggadochio will need a sword to fight them, he only has a spear. Why?

"...  Once I did swear,
When with one sword seven knights I brought to end,
Thenceforth in battel never sword to bear,
But it were that, which noblest knight on earth doth wear."

Braggadochio is just too hardcore to have a sword, unless it is the best sword.

Archimago buys this totally and tells them he will return tomorrow carrying the sword of Prince Arthur himself. He then magically flies away on the north wind.

Realising that they have been bullshitting with an actual, verifiable wizard, Trompet and Braggadochio compulsively run away in terror and hide in a forest under a bush.


From this edition ,by W Kent.
Why were you under the bush?
"From my mothers womb this grace I have,Me given by eternal destiny,That earthly thing may not my courage braveDismay with fear, or cause on foot to fly,But either hellish feinds, or powers on high:Which was the cause, when earst that horn I heard,Weening it had been thunder in the sky,I hid my self from it, as one affeared;But when I other knew, my self I boldly reared."

Then we enter part two of the Canto, which feels like Spenser writing his own, slightly creepy, Spenser fanfic that gets him banned from Spensercon.

Its about Braggadochio and Trompet encountering a super-sexy (and super-chaste) Goddess-seeming women hunting in the forest.

She gets a verse for her skin, a verse for her eyes, a verse for her forehead, a verse for her eyelids, a verse on her general clothing style, a verse on her 'buskins' and shoes, a verse on her legs generally, a verse on her weapons (including a breakdown on exactly what is going on with her boobs

"Her daintie paps; which like young fruit in May
Now little gan to swell, and being tide,
Through her thin weed their places only signified.")

and a verse on her general legendary beauty. (There are enough precise details here that you could probably cosplay as her if you wanted to.)

I'm guessing this is the Faerie Queene herself in 'disguise' or another insanely high status character we have yet to meet.

Trompet and Braggadochio are initially terrified of her, but they are shallow enough to pull themselves together;

"As fearful fowle, that long in secret cave
For dread of soaring hawk her self hath hid
....
Proudly to prune, and set aright on every side,
So shakes off shame, nor thinks how erst she did hide."

They remark on how hot she is and how she should be taking pleasures in court. She gives them a very protestant speech about honour being found through hard work, danger and sweat.

"And with her wondrous beauty ravished quite,
Gan burn in filthy lust, and leaping light,
Through in his bastard arms her to embrace."

So thats another rape attempt, thanks Edmund. She exits at speeed. Trompet and Braggadochio are somewhat put out by this.

"Nor cared he greatly for her presence vain,
But turning said to Trompart, what foul blot
Is this to knight, that Ladie should again
Depart to woods untouched & leave so proud distain?"


Book Two Canto Three
Podcast Link

not so good of deeds as great of name - FQ Book 2 Canto 2

From Giallo to Sitcom today in a thankfully brief Canto.

Guyon delivers to the Baby a classically medieval speech about how terrible life is and then sets down to wash his little bloodstained hands in the spring.

(There is also this line;

"(So love does loath distainfull nicitee)"

Which is maybe the third reference to how those of true noble feeling are not afraid to get their hands dirty doing stuff, which is interesting. Its turning out to be a minor obsession with Spenser and is always delivered in this semi-authorial aside.)

Anyway, the blood WILL NOT WASH OFF..

"The which him into great amaz'ment drove,
And into diverse doubt his wavering wonder clove."

Which is the most delightful description of confusion I have ever read.

Guyon freaks out a little at this and wonders if its divine vengeance or just super-poison in the blood but his Palmer calms him with some exposition, which apparently he knew all along;


Most spring are magic one way or another.This spring used to be a Nymph. (2nd of those in the poem)Its magic is relatid to how it became a stream. (like the last one)This Nymph was out hunting and ended up running away from a horny rapist. (jesus fucking christ Spenser again?, this is like an Alan Moore comic)She appealed for divine help to keep her chastity, got turned into a rock and this stream is her rape avoidance tears which are so chaste they will not "with any filth be dyde" so that's why they won't wash off blood.
So they move on and it looks like Sir Guyons horse has been stolen. They carry the baby on foot. Knight, Palmer, Bloodstained Baby, this is how you know you are in a Chivalric romance.

............................

Part Two is a castle divided amongst three sisters who are all in conflict with each other.

Really its the eldest and youngest against each other and against the middle one as this is a Goldilocks Castle, everything comes in threes and the two on the end are crazy bitches and the one in the middle is just right.

Guyon meeds with the middle sister Medina, and they get on very well, it seems like maybe a very temperate romance might possibly be on the cards, eventually.

But the other sisters each have a knight that's into them. The youngest is into Sans-Joy, who you will remember as the attempted rapist of Una in the last canto and who apparently survived his combat with Satyrine.

The other is, amazing;

"He that made love unto the eldest Dame,
Was hight Sir Huddibras, an hardy man;
Yet not so good of deeds as great of name,
Which he by many rash adventures wan,
Since errant armes to sew he first becan;
More huge in strength, then wise in workes he was,
And reason with foole-hardize over-ran;
Sterne melancholy did his courage pas,
And was for terror more, all armed in shining brass."

These two hear about Sir Guyon arriving, both come out to challenge him, but on the way they run into each other and start fighting.

"The noyse thereof calth forth that stranger knight,
To weet, what dreadful thing was there in hand;"

Guyon being Guyon, the first thing he does is to try to seperate them and calm them down, because you know, Temperance.

"But they him spying, both with greedy force
Annonce upon him ran, and him beset
With strokes of mortal steel without remorse,"

Sir Guyon fights them off and pushes them both back. They start fighting each other again. He tries to stop them, They fight him.

"So boldly he him bears, and rutheth forth
Between them both, by conduct of his blade
Wondrous great prowesse and heroic worth
he shewd that day, and rare ensample made,
When two so mighty warriors he dismayed:
Attonce he wards and strikes, he takes and pays,
Now forced to yield, now forcing to invade,
Before, behind, and round about him lays:
So double was his pains, so double was his praise.

Strange sort of fight, three valliant knights to see
Three combats join in one, and to darraine
A triple war with triple emnitee,"

Eventually Medina comes out with her chest bare (2nd time for this in the Poem) and persuades them all to calm down with a speech about self control and and just cause which is pretty much the death of knight errantry.

We finish with a meal with Erissa_=, the eldest;

"Such entertainment base, ne ought would eat,
Ne ought would speak, but evermore did seem
As discontent for want of mirth or meat;"

A woman after my own heart. And the youngest sister;

"But young Perissa was of other mind,
Full of disport, still laughing, loosely light,
And quite contrary to her sisters kind;
No measure in her mood, no rule of right,
But poured out in pleasure and delight;
In wine and meats she flowed about the bank,
An in excess exceeded her own might;
In sumptuous tire she joined her self to prancke,
But of her love too lavish (litle have she thancke.)"

Guyon tells his story - he comes from the Fairy Queen and has the order of Maidenhead, and has been sent to take down Acrasia.

Then we get a lunar metaphor (Guyon seems to get these rather than Solar ones. We will see if that goes on) and everyone goes to sleep.

Book Two Canto Two
As a Podcast

TEMPERATE TO THE MAX!!! - The Legend of Sir Guyon FQ Book 2 Canto 1

How the hell do you tell a story where the main character is Mister Reasonable?

Add sex, drugs, dead girls and blood-smeared babies.

Think this is Walter Crane
We start this Canto with Archimagos escape from prison, his finding of Duessa (she's living in caves and wearing moss) and their scheme to, yet again, dick Redcrosse around;

"And forth he fares full of malicious mind,"

BUT - things do not go the customary way for Archimago, as we shall see.

Firstly - Redcrosse is now slightly less stupid;

"By now so wise and wary was the knight
By triall of his former harmes and cares,
That he descride, and shonned still his slight:
The fish that once was caught, new bait will hardly bite."

After his experience with Spensers killer Dming Redcrosse has presumably either graduated to the safety of storygames or is just murdering every suspiciously innocent old man he meets.

So, Archimago (also, I recently found out that Wikipedia thiks this is the first use of 'Archmage'. Spenser probably meant it to mean 'First Image' or something like it, and its probably/possibly a metaphor for the Catholic church. So that's where 'Archmage' comes from) Archimago can't fool Redcrosse any more but he can find some other mark.

Enter Guyon.

There is nothing physically interesting or remarkable about Guyon so far, except that he travels with an Aged Palmer who finds his way slowly on foot, with a staff;

"And ever with slow pace the knight did lead,
Who taught his trampling steed with equal steps to tread."

Not sure of the ArtistOh Archimago
We then get a classic Archimago/Duessa scene where they try to get Guyon to attack Redcrosse.

Which almost works. But at the last minute Guyon decides he can't strike the image of the cross on Redcross's shield, and Redcrosse recognises Guyon and can't strike the image of Mary on his shield. So they stop and calm down.

Then they shake hands, agree to be friends and go their seperate ways.

TEMPERANCE BITCHES.

That takes us to the middle of a Canto.

This reminds me a lot of the introduction of a new superhero in a fresh book or as a side-story in someone elses book. There's almost always a scene where they encounter an older or alrady-popular hero whos possibly a bit like them, then they either fight, or deal with some problem together. The new hero approaches the problem in a way which is clearly a bit different to the old hero, but also wins thier approval.

This does a lot of stuff in serial story terms. It links the new hero to the old one, they are part of the same universe. It makes it ok for fans of the old one to like the new one, because they have been OK'd by the classic, and it marks them out in an individual way as being a 'bit different'.

Anyway, that's the middle of the Canto. Now we start Sir Guyons first real adventure.


...................................



Sir Guyon (and his Palmer) hear a cry from the woods.

The cry is two verses long and its a woman crying for death and saying she's leaving her baby behind.

Guyon "from his tall steed, he rust into the thicke," and finds;


A hot girl, suicided with a knife to the heart.She's gushing loads of blood.There's a baby.The baby is playing with the blood.There's also a dead knight.He's smiling.
I do like it when things turn Giallo.

There is a good verse about the overpowering strength of Guyons heroic emotions;

"At last his mighty ghost gan deep to grone,
As Lyon grudging in his great distain,
Mournes inwardly, and makes himself moan:"

Guyon tries to stop the bleeding;

"What direfull chance, armd with revenging fate,
Or cursed hand hath plaid this cruell part,
Thus fowle to hasten your untimely date;
Speak, O deare Lady speake: help never comes too late."

But it actually is too late as the Lady only has time to tell her sad story before dying;

She was totally into this knight here (Sir Mortdant).He left her to go off seeking adventure.But "Me he left enwombed of this child,"He "come, where vile Acrissa does wonne," (Acrissa - greek for 'Without Control' according to the Penguin edition notes.Acrissa is a hot sexy enchantress who floats about in a mgic island called 'The Bowre of Bliss' where she pervs up Knights with "Words and weeds of wonderous might".The Lady gets her knight back, after wandering pregnant through the world.They are leaving when Acrissa curses him, as soon as he drinks he dies.Thus, the Lady gets Despair and stabs herself.

She then dies. Guyon has a conversation with his Palmer about burying them both, which I didn't entirely parse.



Guyon cuts part of everyones hair, mixes it with the womans blood and throws it into the grave and we end with a classic super-oath of vengance and justice, 'the dead knights sword out of his sheath he drew'.

It's Sir Guyon verses Acrissa, and he's going to take her the fuck down, in the most temperate way possible!

End Canto.

Book Two Opening
Book Two Canto One
As a Podcast



Some favourite references this canto; Archimago still as his "sutil engines" and "well filed tongue". No Phoebus mentions so far.

Things we know about Sir Guyon;

Hangs out with a black-clad Palmer (who is definitely not Archimago*)
Has Mary on his shield
His first actions are to not fight Redcrosse and to try to heal someone.


*You never know...