Rikki Cloos > Quotes

“Anxious attachers tend to use other people (especially their romantic partners or love interests) to regulate their emotions. This is not only extremely unhealthy, but feels terrible to experience. In this position, we find ourselves completely at the mercy of someone else to calm us, pacify our upsets, and make us happy. We are essentially adrift on their ocean. Their storms will shake us and their calm will soothe us. When we allow others to dictate how we feel, we have effectively given up control over our own emotional state. The anxious attacher is freed only when they can learn to emotionally regulate themselves and stop over-relying on others. So how can we self-regulate and stop straining our relationships in this way? - Spending time in nature - Listening to music that matches or improves our mood - Deep breathing - Reading - Exercise - Meditation - Journaling This list is far from exhaustive. Anything that takes your mind off of anxieties and calms/energizes your heart can pull you out of an uncomfortable, dysregulated state.”
― Rikki Cloos, The Anxious Hearts Guide: Rising Above Anxious Attachment

“The single most important thing I ever did for my mental health was to book an appointment with a mental health professional.”
― Rikki Cloos, The Anxious Hearts Guide: Rising Above Anxious Attachment

“He’s Scared, She’s Scared by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol”
― Rikki Cloos, The Anxious Hearts Guide: Rising Above Anxious Attachment

“Clingy, needy behavior Overanalyzing and constantly worrying about your relationship Putting the needs of others before your own, always Constant, insatiable craving for closeness and intimacy Intolerance for your partner being unavailable or inattentive The tendency to lose yourself in relationships Codependency Difficulty being alone Low self-esteem/No sense of self Frequently indulging in oversharing/gossip Strong fear of rejection/criticism/abandonment Needing constant reassurance that you are cared about Being overly affected by your partner’s actions/moods A tendency toward moodiness, impulsivity, and instability Prone to jealousy, insecurity, and unhealthy coping mechanisms”
― Rikki Cloos, The Anxious Hearts Guide: Rising Above Anxious Attachment

“Insecure attachers (anxious and avoidant!) are absolutely capable of becoming secure with education/awareness, hard work, and practice.”
― Rikki Cloos, The Anxious Hearts Guide: Rising Above Anxious Attachment

“I want to be gentle with myself and my progress even when it’s hard and I feel like I’ve failed; maybe especially then. I want to see myself in the best light; the light that I view the ones I love in. I am working to make my life better and I am lovable, as I am right now, flaws and all.”
― Rikki Cloos, The Anxious Hearts Guide: Rising Above Anxious Attachment

“Anxious Attachment Constant need for closeness/intimacy. Hypersensitivity to partner’s moods and actions. Tendency to be controlling when they feel threatened. Preoccupied by fear of abandonment. Prioritizes a partner’s wants/needs before their own. Unable to give a partner healthy space. Over-giving to partner, quick to dismiss their own needs. Excessive worrying/catastrophizing. Controlling behavior; requires a partner to prove their loyalty. Often adopts partner’s hobbies/interests to increase closeness. Feels deeply uncomfortable/unsafe expressing issues. Becomes overly dependent on their relationship. Vigilant for signs of abandonment/disloyalty. Constant need to please/gain approval. Unaware of/unable to express wants/needs. Poor sense of boundaries within a relationship. Requires frequent reassurance of partner’s commitment/care. Lets partner make the rules and set the tone of the relationship. Believes they must work to keep their partner interested. Highly jealous; suspects that their partner will be unfaithful. Has an unrealistic view of how a relationship should be. Feels uncomfortable receiving intimacy. Discomfort being single. Often jumps from partner to partner.”
― Rikki Cloos, The Anxious Hearts Guide: Rising Above Anxious Attachment

“Manipulation: Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t.”
― Rikki Cloos, The Anxious Hearts Guide: Rising Above Anxious Attachment