David’s answer to “Hi folks, If you have questions or thoughts about The Assertiveness Workbook, please let me know. I…” > Likes and Comments

One option is Matthew McKay's book Self-Esteem. Another is my book How to be Miserable, which really only focuses on it for a bit, or the new one, How to be Miserable in Your Twenties, which does a bit more.

The most important principle about self-esteem is, I believe, that it doesn't exist. No one with "great self-esteem" is really doing anything. No positive affirmations, no puffing themselves up, no self-reciting their accomplishments.

What exists is the opposite: Self-loathing and self-criticism. The person with "low self-esteem" is actually high in self-sabotaging and self-criticism, rehearsing negative interpretations of events (they hated me there, I'm probably going to screw this up, etc).

To some extent I believe that focussing on self-esteem has actually done more harm than good, because it has deflected the focus from the true active process, which is its opposite. We have also imposed self-esteem as a pre-requisite for action: In order to apply for a job, I need good self-esteem. In fact, both self-esteem and self-confidence are natural CONSEQUENCES of action, not prerequisites to them. With clients I encourage the mantra "Act first, feel it later."

Hope you like Kahneman's book. I worked in their lab (Kahneman and Treisman) in the UBC days. Both were brilliant.