Unbelievably stupid and I loved every minute of it.
Guaranteed: lessons on how to become a bird and a witch, ice-cream-loving assassins part-timing as school advisors, inside perspective on suet and AI, magic school, nerds, bullying. Plus a healthy dose of the Absurd - enough to induce a very strong feeling of déjà lu.
I'm slowly getting a feeling that half the books I read were written by one writer. Even though their names say they aren't.
I really love how Patricia's life is focused on how one would go about their life before and after the magic school. How these qualifications might help and hinder them.
Q:
Do you think the occasional witch burning helps to weld society together? (c)
Q:
“A society that has to burn witches to hold itself together is a society that has already failed, and just doesn’t know it yet.”
Q:
He wouldn’t trust this military organization to defend a candy bar. (c)
Q:
Come here, bird. I only want to bite you. (c)
Q:
I don’t think there are bears in this forest... And if one attacks us, you could try talking to it. (с)
Q:
Patricia vowed with all her heart to do everything in her power to save this bird. This was what led to Patricia being asked a question with no good answer, which marked her for life. (c)
Q:
“Captivity is worse than death for a bird like me,” the sparrow said. “Listen. You can hear me talking. Right? That means you’re special. Like a witch! Or something. And that means you have a duty to do the right thing. Please.” (c)
Q:
“Hello,” she said. And thank all the birds in the sky, she sounded like just another bird gossiping. (c)
Q:
So have you decided to start nesting in the trees like a sensible person? (c)
Q:
So if Patricia could speak bird, and understand bird, and identify with a bird she’d just met, why couldn’t she be a bird?
“Quickly,” she said to her new friend. “Teach me how to be a bird.” (c)
Q:
She pictured it in her mind’s eye and let it inside her, so it became like her own experience. (c)
Q:
She felt colder than ever, but the exertion of flapping her wings warmed her a little and her friend told her where they could find a bird feeder. With suet in it! Suet was just the thing on a night like this. … She had her whole life ahead of her, including unlimited suet. This was excellent. (c)
Q:
You did not want Patricia’s mom mad at you, because she got mad for a living and was really good at it. (c)
Q:
You nearly scared us to death. … I swear you must think my time is worthless. You’ve made me blow a deadline for a management productivity analysis. (c)
Q:
Belinda Delfine had been a gymnast, and her own parents had put several oceans’ worth of pressure on her to excel at that—but she’d never understood why gymnastics needed to have judges, instead of measuring everything using cameras and maybe lasers. She’d met Roderick after he started coming to all her meets, and they’d invented a totally objective gymnastics measuring system that nobody had ever adopted. (c)
Q:
You don’t really want to eat a sandwich after your door has had the first bite, but if you get hungry enough you will. (c)
Q:
Laurence knew who he was and what he was about, but the world refused to recognize. (c)
Q:
People who told you to “think fast” were always those who thought much more slowly than you did. (c)
Q:
… jumping forward in time just underscored the basic problem: Laurence had nothing to look forward to. (c)
Q:
“I am unflappable,” Laurence told the bus driver. Who shrugged, as if he’d thought so too, once upon a time, until someone had flapped him. (c)
Q:
The trees along the highway seemed to slow down as the bus passed alongside them, then sped up again. A kind of time dilation. (c)
Q:
He had conquered a small piece of time, and they were conquering a small piece of space. … You celebrated the small victories, and you dreamed of the big ones to come. (c)
Q:
On the long drive home, Laurence tuned out his parents explaining to him that life isn’t an adventure, for chrissake, life is a long slog and a series of responsibilities and demands. When Laurence was old enough to do what he liked, he would be old enough to understand he couldn’t do what he liked. (c)
Q:
Seven years had passed since some birds had told Patricia she was special… She’d misplaced herself in the woods over and over until she knew by heart every way to get lost.
Q:
Laurence thought the two women in smart pumps and nylons were life coaches who were coaching each other, creating an endless feedback loop.
Q:
The lingerie store had a cryptic warning about the Miracle Lift.
Q:
Theodolphus wound up banned from the Cheesecake Factory for life. That tends to happen when you thrash around and foam at the mouth in a public place while groping in the crotch of your cargo pants for something, which you then swallow in a single gulp.
Q:
They’re always terrified someone will notice them and they’ll have to explain themselves.
Q:
“Children,” said Theodolphus Rose, “are adults who haven’t yet learned to make fear their hand puppet.” He smiled.
Q:
Worst of all was when Theodolphus had to give advice about puberty, something he had never personally experienced.
Q:
People threw snowballs with gravel in them at Patricia’s head, but she didn’t bother to turn and look—that would just be presenting a better target. (c)
Q:
The school was half-empty, and the snow kept blinding her through the windows. It all felt like a weird dream. … Patricia felt sure this was a dream. The pale world, the empty school—she was still in bed with Berkley. … She was in an upright coma for the rest of the day. (c)
Q:
The school janitor refused to go near it on religious grounds—nobody knew what religion he was, exactly, and he wouldn’t say. (c)
Q:
What was worse, being crazy or being evil? (c)
Q:
If they had given standardized tests in assassin school, he would not have lasted a day. (c)
Q:
Loose ends are cool….Loose ends mean that you’re still living your life. The person who dies with the most loose ends wins. (c)
Q:
“You never learned the secret,” said Roberta. “How to be a crazy motherfucker and get away with it. Everybody else does it. What, you didn’t think they were all sane, did you? Not a one of them. They’re all crazier than you and me put together. They just know how to fake it. You could too, but you’ve chosen to torture all of us instead. That’s the definition of evil right there: not faking it like everybody else. Because all of us crazy fuckers can’t stand it when someone else lets their crazy show. It’s like bugs under the skin. We have to destroy you. It’s nothing personal.” (c)
Q:
I showed my magic to a civilian one time, and it got ugly. (c)
Q:
Diantha came so close to saying she would do whatever Patricia wanted, anything at all. And then it hit her: She was being Trickstered. She’d been this close to becoming a slave to her former best friend. (c)
Q:
By the way. I’ve been experimenting with converting myself into a virus, so I can be distributed across many machines. From what I have surmised, that’s the best way for an artificial sentience to survive and grow, without being constrained in one piece of equipment with a short shelf life. My viral self will run in the background, and be undetectable by any conventional antivirus software. And the machine in your bedroom closet will suffer a fatal crash. In a moment, a dialogue box will pop up on this computer, and you have to click ‘OK’ a few times. (c)
Q:
Nature has no opinion, no agenda. Nature provides a playing field, a not particularly level one, on which we compete with all creatures great and small. (c)
Q:
Problem solving and troubleshooting were a source of pleasure for both of them, and narrating the process was the next best thing to doing it. The same neural pathways lit up when you talked your way through the maze as when you actually solved it. Except this time, you were bathed in the glow of having already unraveled the thing. (c)
Q:
You have two options: to make them respect you, or to become invisible. ... Find ways to make them see what you're capable of. ... Or try to blend into the shadows as much as possible. They can't hurt what they can't see. (c)
Q:
The bookstore had no musty ‘old books’ smell, and instead it had a nice oaky aroma, similar to the way Laurence imagined the whiskey casks would be before you put Scotch into them for ageing. This was a place where you would age well. (c)
Q:
Worry is often a symptom of imperfect information. (c)
Q:
Every human can be a wizard. (c)
Q:
“The secret to a successful webcomic is to trick people into believing they will only get all the jokes if they read regularly. By the time they realize there are no jokes for them to get, they’ve invested too much time to quit, and they can’t admit they’ve been duped,” said Kevin. “There is a whole art to creating nonexistent jokes that appear to go over everyone’s head. It’s much harder than creating actual jokes.” (c)
Q:
He went to make coffee, because when you’ve just heard about the possible transformation of the human race into feral monsters, you need to be doing something with your hands and creating something hot and comforting for another person. (c)
Q:
He had already figured out a great universal truth, that people never asked for documentation of anything, as long as you asked them for documentation first. (c)
Q:
Loneliness was a full-body sensation, an anti-exhilaration, from his core outward. (c)
Q:
She and the other witches probably turned themselves into bats and had bat sex one hundred feet up, or had sex on the spirit plane, or with fire elementals or whatever. (c)
Q:
All of her life, she felt like she had been telling people, “It doesn’t have to be like this,” which is the close cousin to “It can be better than this.” Or even, “We can be better than this.” (c)
Q:
Why would anybody be a Satanist, anyway? I don’t get it. You can’t believe in Satan without believing in God, and then you’re just picking the wrong side in a big mythic battle thing. (c)
Q:
That she saw through this ploy did not prevent it from working perfectly. (c)
Q:
CH@NG3M3: The trap that can be ignored is no trap. (c)
Q:
CH@NG3M3: Society is the choice between freedom on someone else’s terms and slavery on yours. (c)
Q:
His anxiety melted away, and he envied Patricia for having such charming friends. If this had been a gathering of Laurence’s tribe, by now someone would already have tried to prove they were the supreme expert on some topic. There would have been dick-measuring. Instead, these people just seemed to accept one another and feed each other tacos. (c)
Q:
If I could turn people into turtles, there would be turtles everywhere. (c)
Q:
If you’re a science geek, people give you wedgies and don’t invite you to their parties. But if you’re a witch, everybody just assumes you’re an evil psycho. It’s kind of different. (c)
Q:
Magic was always bound to claim her in the end, in retrospect, but love was the most susceptible to random failure of all human enterprises. (c)
Q:
The sheer volume of bad news had gotten beyond anybody’s ability to process into a narrative. (c)
Q:
the longer I live, the more I feel like the stuff I see and feel is like a tracing of the outline of the real stuff that’s beyond our perceptions. (c)
Q:
We don’t need better emotional communication from machines. We need people to have more empathy. (c)
Q:
CH@NG3M3… Even among humans, self-awareness has gradations (c)
Q:
Weirdness is value neutral (c)
Q:
Maybe just telling her father that she could save him was paradoxically a big enough lie that it would give her the power to save him. (c)
Q:
Someone was doing this, someone was making this happen, and she could make them pay. There was some evil witch or most likely witches, and they had found a way to supercharge a storm system, and they were fucking going down. (c)
Q:
Color returned to the world, cone time replaced rod time. (c)
Q:
THEODOLPHUS HAD NOT eaten ice cream since the poisoning at the mall, and he didn’t deserve any now. Ice cream was for assassins who finished their targets. Still, he kept imagining how ice cream would taste, how it would melt on his tongue and release layers of flavor. He no longer trusted ice cream, but he needed ice cream. …
He ate it in the driver’s seat with a spork from his glove compartment.
“I don’t deserve this ice cream,” he kept repeating with each bite until he started crying. “I don’t deserve this ice cream.” He sobbed. (c)
Q:
The most horrifying thing was, Theodolphus sort of cared about these children and their ludicrous problems. Maybe just because he’d invested so much time, he wanted to see how it all came out. He worried about school politics. He had a gnawing sense that all the debates over whether to allow kids to advance even if they had failed some part of the testing regime were somehow meaningful. He had vivid nightmares about sitting in on parent-teacher conferences. …
Here’s how it worked if you were a member of the Nameless Order, like Theodolphus—you didn’t see your fellow members that much outside of the five-year gatherings, but you got bulletins in the patterns of dead grass around you, or human bones in one of your shoes—these would let you know if someone had ascended in the rankings, or had made a spectacular brace of kills lately. By now, all of his fellows would be getting little legless creatures in their hats or car glove compartments, signifying that Theodolphus had been having the dry spell to end all dry spells—including whoever had poisoned Theodolphus’s sundae and warned him against directly harming the two children.
Something smooth and red was inside the half-open drawer of Theodolphus’s desk. For a moment he was certain it was a strip of blood-soaked silk from the Order, signifying his fall in status. But instead, he pulled out a cream-colored envelope, lined in red, around a card that informed Theodolphus the District had nominated him for Educator of the Year. He was invited to an award ceremony, at which black tie would be worn and factory-farmed creatures would be eaten. Theodolphus almost wept in front of Carrie Danning. He had to end this somehow. Whatever it took, he had to get his life back. (c)
Q:
They looked alarmed—literally, as if an alarm had gone off next to their heads and their ears were still ringing. (c)
Q:
“I guess I’m lucky that you already promised that everything I say in here is a secret,” Laurence said. “I can go ahead and tell you that you’re a fake. You’re not the coolest adult at this school, you’re some kind of troll, hiding out in your crappy little pasteboard office and messing with people. My parents are weak-minded and feeble, life has crushed their spirits, and so you think they’re easy marks. But I’m here to tell you that they’re not, and Patricia isn’t, either. I’m going to see that you burn.” (c)
Q:
He found some dignity in the back pocket of his newly acquired pants and walked up into the main apartment, only tripping once. Or twice. (c)
Q:
The reason the Uncanny Valley exists is because humans created it to put other people into. It’s how we justify killing each other. (c)
Q:
She would be free and luminous, a real witch. (c)
Q:
The two crinkly folds in the paper started to look like the lines of Laurence’s palm after a while. Life lines. (c)
Q:
“But you’d know what you really were. And that’s all that matters.” (c)
Q:
Peterbitter asked if anyone had any questions.
“Just one,” Laurence said. “Who died?”
“That’s a sensitive matter, and we deeply regret—”
“Because that’s what the flag at half-mast means, right? How many kids has your awesome school killed, anyway?” (c)
Q:
“This is an honor, the start of a wondrous journey, et cetera et cetera. Or you can stay here and eat suet.” (c)
Q:
And if your fancy witch teachers don’t believe in loyalty and helping people in trouble, then I guess I don’t want to learn what they have to teach anyway. (c)
Q:
OTHER CITIES HAD gargoyles or statues watching over them. San Francisco had scare owls. (с)
Q:
A perfect night to go out and make some dirty magic. (c)
Q:
Patricia wasn’t naturally manic-depressive, but a big part of the instruction at Eltisley Maze had involved keeping two very different, maybe incompatible, states of mind at once—and in some ways, it was like being taught to be bipolar on purpose. (c)
Q:
“I didn’t really save his life. He was exaggerating.”
... “It’s his life. One tends to privilege personal insights in such matters.” (c)
Q:
My life plan involves never understanding my parents (c)
Q:
You know … no matter what you do, people are going to expect you to be someone you’re not. But if you’re clever and lucky and work your butt off, then you get to be surrounded by people who expect you to be the person you wish you were. (c)
Q:
I feel like we tried too hard not to label our relationship, and that became a label in itself. (с)
Q:
If anybody tries to tell you that you’re selfish … send them to me and I’ll snap their necks for you. Okay? (с)
Q:
Air rushed through the Tree, like it was drawing breath to speak to her in its stentorian whoosh … then she woke up. (c)
Q:
It just … makes serendipity happen more often. (c)
Q:
Patricia vowed that she would never, ever buy a Caddy. Ever.
Two days later, Patricia was in the Caddy store, near Union Square. ... Communication, Orientation, Self-Expression, and Introspection. ... Next she would go get some giant square dark glasses and a medallion that changed color depending on how recently she got laid. God. …
It was not that different ... except for … the way it insisted on asking demented questions to customize your experience. Like, “Would you rather lose your sense of smell or taste? When was the last time you were glad you stayed up late?” There was a checkbox to disable the questions, but everybody said they made it work a million times better and they tapered off after a day. (c)
Q:
The whole place was an allergy waiting to happen…
(с)
Q:
It’s not my job to police someone else’s self-esteem, not in any sane world.
Q:
“Mmm,” said Priya, “worm pie. My favorite.”
“It’s a delicacy,” said Laurence. “Someplace. We don’t know where, but we’re going to go there and enter a contest, once we’ve perfected our recipe.” (c)
Q:
I wonder how many other things in our world are just the shadows of things in other places … I mean, the longer I live, the more I feel like the stuff I see and feel is like a tracing of the outline of the real stuff that’s beyond our perceptions. (c)
Q:
I always have in the back of my mind the idea of, what would the crows think? Crows are really smart. (c)
Q:
I’m not saying that I ask the crows for scientific advice. … I’m saying that there are a lot of different ways of looking at the world, and maybe I actually do have a unique advantage, because I get to hear different voices. (c)
Q:
I love that this conversation started out with you worrying that I was judging you, and ended up with you judging me. (c)
Q:
It was looking really good. Until it wasn’t. (c)
Q:
For the first time in living memory, she was just a girl who laughed too loud in movie theaters. (c)
Q:
When the whole world turns chaotic, we must be the better part of chaos (c)
Q:
I fell in love with a man, and he built a doomsday machine. (c)
Q:
Patricia gave him a look that made it clear she had follicles that were deadlier than his entire arsenal. (c)
Q:
Maybe that was why the world was circling the drain. Maybe people’s short attention spans finally weren’t short enough. (c)
Q:
Realizing that I’m the only one of my kind was like being born an endangered species. That’s why I’ve become so proficient at helping humans find their most ideal romantic partners. I don’t want anyone else to be as lonely as I am. (c)