A super short kindle single. Some highlights (with spoilers):
I instantly realize that I'm not dealing with Dr. House here. But he's a nice kid, and it was thoughtful of him to skip Model U.N. to see me. He orders a CAT scan, which I submit to, and for the next couple of hours a parade of other doctors comes into my room to talk to Olivia and me. Disturbingly, each new doctor is higher on the medical hierarchy at the hospital than the last, until I'm pretty sure that the next person who comes in to see me will be Hippocrates, - location 42
She and I met two years before, at a party thrown by a mutual friend. The party had a gimmick: everyone was supposed to bring a book and leave with a book that someone else brought. Olivia brought The Things They Carried; I brought the novelization of Snakes on a Plane. When the party was over, my book was the only one that nobody bothered to take. - location 73
Over the next few weeks, we went to dinner; we played bocce in a bar; we went to the much-hyped Lizards and Snakes exhibit at the Natural History Museum; and we went to a rooftop party in Brooklyn where a bunch of us noticed a woman in a neighboring building doing housework naked. (Since this was Brooklyn, we weren't being creepy voyeurs — we were making an ironic comment about creepy voyeurism.) - location 79
The procedure takes about ten minutes, and it works. My colon now untwisted — by hand, the artisanal way - location 94
My anesthesiologist explains that, in addition to the general anesthesia, I will have an epidural stuck into the base of my spine to block off any feeling in my abdominal region: "This is because there are cases of people who, despite being unconscious for their surgery, still felt the pain of being operated on." "Really? But if they were asleep, how do they know they felt pain?" "Because they experience memories of chronic pain for the rest of their lives." Oh. - location 139
Dr. Wu is a very pleasant Chinese gentleman of few words. He speaks perfect English but he's chosen to speak it in a very abbreviated, clipped fashion, sort of like Confucius on Twitter. Everything is like four characters and he's out. - location 150
At the emergency room we head straight for the Triage Unit. The intake nurse on duty says, "Can you rate your pain from one through ten?" And I'm like, "Ten, motherfucker!" Which turns out to be the correct answer, by the way, for future reference. - location 182
He explains what they've done to me: they've sewn up the leak in my colon and wrapped it up so that it is absolutely airtight. But they don't want to take any chances this time, so they're going to give the colon a few months to heal, and in order to do that, they have diverted my digestive tract "somewhere else." And I'm like, um, what does that mean? Here's what it means: They have taken a part of my small intestine and pulled it outside of my body and it is now emptying into something called an ileostomy, which is a fancy medical name for "plastic bag of shit." That's what's there, right now, hanging from the outside of my belly. Dr. Wu has literally torn me a new asshole and it's in the front, where assholes do not belong. - location 223