- Hey, Charlie Huston. Can I ask you a question?
- Sure, Kemper.
- First, I’m a big fan. Your new breed of neo-noir writing is a blast to read in both your crime and horror novels.
- Thank you.
- No problem. I gotta admit that I thought the Joe Pitt character was probably one of your weaker creations for a while there, though.
- Why? You didn’t like the idea of a tough guy Vampyre getting caught up in various turf wars between rival clans in New York?
- No, I was good with that. I just have this pet peeve about writers doing supernatural characters. There's always a hero or anti-hero who is supposed to be a bad ass, but it seems like they always spend the majority of their books getting beaten to the point where they can barely function, but somehow prevail in the end. Harry Dresden and Sandman Slim, for example. And Joe Pitt is a poster boy for this. He’s supposed to be the rogue independent vampire that everyone is scared of, yet he seems to spend most of the books getting his ass handed to him, and even his vampire healing hasn’t prevented him from being maimed and half-crippled by now.
- You have a point, and I’m sorry to say that poor old Joe doesn’t fare much better in this book. So I assume you want to ask why I felt the need to inflict such misery on him?
- No, actually, after reading My Dead Body, I’m pleased with how you handled the whole thing. I didn’t realize that there was an arc to the whole story and that this one would be the final culmination of Joe’s saga. The fact that he’s a damaged mess makes sense in that context. Plus, I now realize that Joe wasn’t a miserable asshole just for the sake of being a miserable asshole. He’s a character like John Constantine or Rorschach from Watchmen. He’s the outsider who refuses to compromise no matter what it costs him and others.
- Oh, well I’m glad you feel better about that now, Kemper, but I thought you had a question?
- I do, Charlie Huston. My question is just why in the hell you are incapable of writing dialogue like every other goddamn writer in the known universe?
- Are you referring to the way I don’t use quotation marks or verbs like ‘said’ or ‘asked’?
- Yes, I am. I mean, you do some of the best and most realistic dialogue this side of Elmore Leonard, but this affectation of using a dash and then the dialogue with no clue as to who spoke it… Well, frankly, Charlie Huston, it’s kind of a pain in the ass. And it gets really bad when there are several people in a room talking, and then you have to get cute about letting us know who’s speaking by using the other person’s name. All this could have been avoided if you would just use some freaking quotation marks and a ‘I said’ every once in a while. Everyone else does it.
- Yes, but I’m a groundbreaking writer trying to perfect a new style of noir….
- Save it, Charlie Huston. It’s a cute little gimmick that was mildly amusing in the first book I read by you, but now it’s just a distraction. And it’s too bad because My Dead Body was a terrific book, but I shouldn’t have to create flow charts as I’m reading to try and keep track of who is speaking. I really don’t get it. Were your parents killed by quotation marks and you swore vengeance? Did the word ‘said’ steal a girlfriend from you once? You need to get it over it.
“I’ll think about it,” Charlie Huston said.
“You see how easy that was?” Kemper asked.