Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog: The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman

The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman #1

by Lisa Scottoline

A hilarious collection of stories from the life of the New York Times bestselling author of Look Again

At last, together in one collection, are Lisa Scottoline’s wildly popular Philadelphia Inquirer columns. In her column, Lisa lets her hair down, roots and all, to show the humorous side of life from a woman’s perspective. The Sunday column debuted in 2007 and on the day it started, Lisa wrote, “I write novels, so I usually have 100,000 words to tell a story. In a column there’s only 700 words. I can barely say hello in 700 words. I’m Italian.” The column gained momentum and popularity. Word of mouth spread, and readers demanded a collection. Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog is that collection. Seventy vignettes. Vintage Scottoline.

In this collection, you’ll laugh about:

• Being caught braless in the emergency room

• Betty and Veronica’s Life Lessons for Girls

• A man’s most important body part

• Interrupting as an art form

• A religion men and women can worship

• Real estate ads as porn

• Spanx are public enemy number one

• And so much more about life, love, family, pets, and the pursuit of jeans that actually fit!

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Memoir, Audiobook, Essays, Short Stories, Biography

Audible Audio

First published November 18, 2009

About the author

Lisa Scottoline is a #1 bestselling and Edgar award-winning author of 33 novels. Her books are book-club favorites, and Lisa and her daughter Francesca Serritella have hosted an annual Big Book Club Party for over a thousand readers at her Pennsylvania farm, for the past twelve years. Lisa has served as President of Mystery Writers of America, and her reviews of fiction and non-fiction have appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Philadelphia Inquirer. She also writes a weekly column with her daughter for the Philadelphia Inquirer entitled Chick Wit, a witty take on life from a woman’s perspective, which have been collected in a bestselling series of humorous memoirs. Lisa graduated magna cum laude in three years from the University of Pennsylvania, with a B.A. in English, and cum laude from the University of Pennsylvania Law School, where she taught Justice and Fiction. Lisa has over 30 million copies of her books in print and is published in over 35 countries. She lives in the Philadelphia area with an array of disobedient pets and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Reviews

[Melody · Rating 1 out of 5]

I picked this up on the strength of the title. I'll give any book that makes me laugh out loud in the library a shot. I should have read the flap copy, because this is almost the perfect storm of nonfiction I hate- let me count the ways.

The author writes (1)"chick-lit" that is (2)massively popular. This (3)collection of (4)newspaper columns features several (5)guest columns written by the author's daughter. The essays are (6)cute, (7)upbeat, and (8)warmly nonjudgmental. They feature (9)Spanx, (10)old dogs, the (11)hilarious indignities of being a middle-aged (12)suburban American (13)consumer. The coup de grace is the author's (14)awesome relationship with her (15)perfect mother. I think every bit of the writing herein is genuine, and I suspect I'm in the curmudgeonly minority at whom it is not aimed. I think that Scottoline is probably a lovely person in real life. I think she'd be the kind of friend she writes about- the kind who would always have your back, would always cheer you on, and would bring you casseroles when your mom died and bottles of wine when your husband left.

But I hated this book.

[Carole (Carole's Random Life) · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 Stars!

I have enjoyed Lisa Scottoline's writing for quite some time. I would have to say that I became a pretty big fan of hers when I went to an author event at my local library when she was touring for Look Again. I couldn't believe how much fun I had listening to her. She was funny and she threw snack cakes at the audience which is always a plus. I went home that night with a huge grin on my face, a snack cake to devour later on, and a brand new tote bag that she gave me for buying several of her novels. I don't really know what I waited until now to read this book since I know how funny she can be.



Just a couple of weeks ago, Lisa made a return visit to my town to promote her new book Every Fifteen Minutes. This event was just as much fun as the first. There weren't any snack cakes this time...but there was wine and cheese so I don't think any missed the snack cakes. I spent some time talking to other fans at the event and learned that Lisa actually narrates the audiobooks for her humorous books. I had just finished an audiobook so I downloaded this book and started listening right away.

This is a compilation of articles, some of which I think I may have read before when they were originally published in a newspaper column. Some of the stories were laugh out loud funny. Some made me chuckle just a little bit. One story actually made me cry which is crazy. I hardly ever cry and especially not on my way to work over an audiobook. I was really very impressed that this book was able to bring out so much emotion. I am amazed by how much I could relate to Lisa Scottoline and in many ways her story felt like some of my own.

I liked the fact that this book was really 90 different stories. Yes, there were 90 chapters in my audiobook and each chapter was a completely different story. You learned a lot about many of the people in the book and the stories did build upon that knowledge but any of the stories could be listened to independently without any problem. This was a perfect set up for me because I work just a few miles from my house so I could listen to a couple of stories in the car on the way to work and not worry about stopping in the middle of a chapter. I even listened to it when my family was in the car and felt no embarrassment. My daughter was embarrassed but I had no problems and I even caught my husband and daughter laughing a couple of times.

The narration was perfect. I wish that she would narrate all of her books because she is a fabulous narrator. Her daughter even authored and narrated a few of the chapters and it was nice to hear her perspective. Generally, I have found that authors can be the best narrators because they know how they envisioned the story be told. This book is really Lisa Scottoline's life told through stories and I can't think of anyone else I would have wanted as a narrator.

I would recommend this book to others. I know that my mother will love this book and I plan to help her get it on her kindle the next time I see her. I will definitely be reading more from Lisa Scottoline in the future.

[Madison Warner Fairbanks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Humorous short essay format about family life, getting older, single life and remembering when.
A lot of the humor will only resonate with readers over 40 though it’s lively regardless.

[Nancy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This light, humorous book about "lessons learned" reminded me NOT to make snap judgements. This is totally the kind of book I would pass over in bookstores and consider myself too thoughtful a person to ever consider reading. (Translation: too much of a literary snob to want to be seen reading this kind of book).

BUT, a dear friend pressed it in my hand, saying what a treat it was, so "whatcha going to do"? I gave it a whirl and after 20 pages decided that it was just too cute and too fluffy that I just would set it aside and tell a polite little lie about how much I enjoyed reading it. So, why 286 pages later am I writing about this book?

. . . I did finish it;
. . . I did enjoy it;
. . . it was worth reading;
And it reminded me what a gift it is to see the humor in everything we do. I am not familiar with Lisa Scottoline's popular novels. But she is clearly a woman who has her priorities in fine shape. She is a loyal friend; she adores her family; she respects her work; she makes her house a home; and her pets rule. It doesn't hurt to have those values reenforced and that was a welcome gift from my friend. Why not pass it on?

[♥ Sandi ❣ · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 stars

Written for women. by an all telling woman, these small one and two page vignettes are very relatable. Scottoline uses her own family as examples. A favorite of mine was "Family Fun" where she gave her Top Ten Tips to having family fun - #1 You Can't Chloroform Your Mother... Her mother Mary, her daughter Francesca and her brother Frank are often mentioned as is her menagerie of dogs.

With Lisa Scottoline a hit-and-miss author for me, I found that I did enjoy this book. It is a compilation of her weekly articles from her Philadelphia Inquirer column. Written as vignettes on her own life, some are very funny, some are worth a smile and a knowing nod, some are typical everyday life and one or two are sad.

[Guylou (Two Dogs and a Book) · Rating 4 out of 5]

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📚 Hello Book Friends! WHY MY THIRD HUSBAND WILL BE A DOG by Lisa Scottoline is one of the most entertaining books I have ever read. Ms. Scottoline’s sense of humour is enchanting and witty. I love how she speaks about day-to-day events and make them extraordinary. This book is full of laughter. I truly enjoyed this book and recommend it to anyone who needs some cheering up during these unsettling times.

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[Sally Sullivan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is Hysterical. I had forgotten how great it feels to truly laugh out loud. So far the funniest chapter by far is "Everything Old is Nude Again" The first line reads ..."Something dangerous is going on in the world of women's underwear, and I want to nip it in the butt. Sorry. I am referring of course to Spanx." You will cry and probably identify gladly or ...sadly.

But it is not all funny, for the tempo rises and falls like a gentle ocean, one minute you're laughing right out loud and then when you read the chapter "I Miss My Father (and I do) you will cry. I have just found this author and have started to read her fiction...but this one I had borrowed from the library, which I am doing lately. But this one I had to buy!! and so will you. Great great fun!!

[Author Annabelle Leigha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very Cute!!! I was giggling so much that my cubemate had to check on me. Although I was sad when she talked about her sick furbabies! It made me think of mine and I may or may not have teared up. Otherwise a great easy read!

[Paul Pessolano · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lisa Scottoline is best known for her 15 mystery novels. "Why My Third Husband Will Be A Dog" is humor at its best. The book is a compilation of articles that she did for the Philadelphia Inquirer. They are short stories, 2 to 3 pages long, that gives the reader a look into her life.

Lisa has been married twice and she "makes no bones" in telling us how bad these marriages were, she calls her husbands "Thing One" and "Thing Two". She has a daughter that is going off to college and is the apple of her eye, even though they have to get through some rough times. Her brother is gay and found early acceptance into the family. Her mother, all 4 foot 11 inches of her, is as ornery and lovable as a mother can be.

She has opened her house to several dogs, several cats, a pony, and chickens that fill a hen house.

This book is full of the lighter side of life that includes all the people and pets listed above, except Thing One and Thing Two.

Although the book will mostly appeal to women (and young ladies), I believe that men will find it enjoyable. Men may well see the side of a woman they have never seen before.

One of the great lines in the book concerns men is, "It's only natural for a man to wonder what a woman's chest looks like. Men have testosterone for a reason, and if they don't use it looking at our chests, they'll be causing wars and football playoffs".

Regarding her marriages she writes, "I have never been in an accident, if you don't count my two marriages".

This book is a fun, easy, and fast read that can be put down and picked up without losing a beat. Very enjoyable and just what the doctor ordered foe a pick me up that can last for days.

[Carolw · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is filled with hilarious and heartfelt stories. If you can get past some of the outdated references, i.e. Brad and Angelina are still married, then I think it will make you feel really good about your life and understand that laughter is the best medicine.

[Ali · Rating 5 out of 5]

Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog gives us a slice of life from the sometimes sentimental, often hilarious, definitely extraordinary life of author Lisa Scottoline. Ms. Scottoline is ingenious and full of life as you'll be able to tell from listening to her recount some of her weekly Chick Wit column in the Philadelphia Inquirer and additional stories on life, love, family and pets from her outlook, which can be a comical one to say the least.


I'm not the only one who thinks of chloroforming her own mother, or so I learned from Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog. This audio book had be cracking up at some of the shenanigans Ms. Scottoline comes up with. Listening to Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog was like listening to a friend chatting away over a cup of coffee at the kitchen table. There are many moments of laughter as you learn that her favorite type of pornography is the real estate ads, thongs are the most expensive sling-shots, and interrupting is a sign of enthusiasm. There were also somber moments as she talks about her father, her daughter graduating college, and watching her dog fall ill.


This audio book was made better by having been read by Ms. Scottoline herself, along with a guest appearance from her daughter, Francesca Serritella, because only she could have known the exact tone the story needed to be read in. Women and men alike will find something to laugh and smile about in this riotous romp. I'd definitely recommend both the audio and print versions of Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog... but, if you're able to, definitely get the audio version ;) It will definitely lighten your day and make you see the comical side of things.


*~*~*~*~*

Side note... I always feel that when I write a review, it should sound... I don't know, kind of professional or something, lol. (um, trust me, I'm not saying my reviews are professional, not by a long shot) Sometimes I want to add silly things :)

I do want to say, I got to listen to this audio book on a recent trip to Laredo, TX. Usually, I'm knocked out during road trips... nothing can help it, lol. This time, though, I couldn't help but want to stay awake through each story being told.
See, I can't read during road trips as I get car sick. A tragedy, I know *sigh*. And, unless I'm doing a road trip, I don't really have the attention span to listen to an audio boo--... look, squirrel! lol

My friend, Alberto, was driving (thank the Heavens, lol), so he had to listen to the audio book, too... whether he liked it or not. Luckily, he did like it :) Hmm... I hope it wasn't because he related some of Ms. Scottoline's antics to me *hmph* lol.

Anyway, I do highly recommend this audio book if you're in the mood for something light and fun. I've already put in my order for My Next Isn't Empty, It Just Has More Closet Space audio book by Lisa Scottoline... now to find somewhere to drive to, lol... hmm, Louisiana, here I come!

[Toni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes, I finally finished this book and absolutely hated finishing it. I just loved Lisa Scottoline’s sense of humor. I picked this book up due to the title. I had to control myself and not laugh too load when I was in the bookstore and saw it on the shelf. That would not be the only laugh that this book would give me. The chapters are short and sweet. This book was great to take along while waiting at the doctors office or if I just needed a good laugh. Yes, it took me months and months to read but after breezing through half the book. I started worrying about finishing the book and I did not like that thought. So I designated this book to only taking to doctors appointments. The only reason I finally finished it was I wanted my mom to read it. When I first showed her the book, I told her that I bought it long before knowing her second marriage was ending and that it was just a coincidence. I would recommend all women read this book but it will only be funny if you have been married for several years or you have been divorced at least once. This was a great book. Light hearted and what a sense of humor Lisa has. I am looking forward to reading her novels that are on the more serious side of things.

[Terri · Rating 1 out of 5]

Lisa Scottoline has a great storytelling voice for this. That's where the great part ends.

Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog began as columns for the Philadelphia Inquirer and should have remained columns for a newspaper. Together the stories get boring and well, not very funny. I think that was the point of the book, humor, and it is not humorous in that laugh out loud, relating to the tale sort of way.

It was a bit like listening to a bad joke in the midst of others and trying to pretend that you find it humorous and then further to fake a laugh. It is more whiny and tedious than funny.

Scottoline tries to connect with everyone: the twice divorced, the happily married, the 'who cares about my looks,' the 'I care about my appearance,' and in trying to be all things to all people the humor is lost.

[Ashley · Rating 2 out of 5]

A collection of Scottoline's newspaper column called "Chick Wit". I'm feeling distinctly "meh" about this one. Her style is witty and unapologetic, but the cheesy endings to the columns started become annoying after like the 5th one. Did I mention there are 70-ish articles in this book? It reminded me David Caruso on CSI: Miami. You know how he does that cheesy one-liner to open the show while looking over his sunglasses like he's the coolest guy ever? That? Well, that was what the endings to all of these felt like. Did I mention there are 70 of them?

It was cute enough, I suppose, and Scottoline did have some funny bits and sage advice scattered throughout, but overall I just wasn't impressed. Meh.

[Karen Fisher · Rating 2 out of 5]

I find grammatical errors distracting & this book contained an unusually large amount of them. It seems like a self published book instead of the work of an experienced author. Puzzling, but not enough to read more of her work. Lisa needs a new editor.

[Jeanette (Ms. Feisty) · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a collection of very short (3 pages or so) pieces from Scottoline's "Chick Wit" column for The Philadelphia Inquirer. Fun to have around and pick up when you have a few minutes to read here and there. She covers everything from shopping for undies to losing her father to cancer.

As with any such collection, my appreciation of these little pieces was uneven. The unevenness was even more pronounced for me with this book because Lisa Scottoline and I have some things so strongly in common and yet in some ways we are opposites. A few of the pieces seemed utterly frivolous to me because I'm not a mainstream American woman. I just can't relate to the girly-girl stuff, although I do enjoy reading it for the understanding I gain about other women. (There really are people who care about applying liquid eyeliner!)

Lisa Scottoline is a 50-something, twice-divorced novelist who has given up on marriage and now reserves her devotion for her dogs instead of men. She writes, "Whoever says you can't buy love has never had a pet." How true. Many of the funniest and most touching pieces are about her various dogs (including 3 golden retrievers), as well as her pony.
She has a Welsh corgi named Ruby who is on Prozac. No lie!
"Ruby's not a bad dog, she's just territorial, and her territory is the Northern Hemisphere."

The latest addition to her menagerie is Little Tony the Anatomically Incorrect Puppy, whose mother accidentally chewed off his foreskin!
"Every time he pees, it looks like a sprinkler went off."
After paying for three operations to reconstruct his equipment, she took Tony along on tour to help "pimp" her books with his cuteness. "It's the least he can do, after I bought him a foreskin. Those babies ain't cheap."

I also liked the pieces about her family, The Flying Scottolines, and especially about her 83-year-old mom, "Mother Mary."
"My mother taught me that I can perish at any moment, especially if I stand near a toaster during a thunderstorm."

[Shan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't think "hilarious" should be used to describe this book, as shown in its GoodReads description. I think the word "humdrum" would be much more suiting.

Frankly, I didn't find Scottoline to be a very good writer. The whole time I was listening to this book, I kept thinking how she could make each chapter more funny, OR how IIIIII could make each chapter more funny. But most of all, how Erma Bombeck could rip this book to shreds.

And each chapter wasn't meant to be funny, which made this book all the more annoying. The whole parts written by Scottoline's daughter were very obviously written with a heavy influence from her mom.

I made it about halfway through before throwing in the towel.

[Mom · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a collection of the author's newspaper columns. Some are more entertaining than others. I enjoy this author's sense of humor but when you are reading collections such as this, the catch phrases can wear on you. I would recommend this book to anyone who enjoys finding humor in everyday life, but I would caution you to read it slowly, maybe one or two columns a day so you don't tire of the repetitive topics.

[Diana Long · Rating 5 out of 5]

205. I really enjoyed this read and was highly entertained. A collection of this and that dealing with life from the authors column she writes for the Philadelphia Inquirer. Her sense of humor reminds me of the books written by Erma Bombeck. Need something different and humorous to read this book is excellent.

[Sheila · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a humorous story of what it is like to be a twice divorced single mother of a certain age. Who knew that Lisa Scottoline could be so funny. Usually she writes such serious mystery/crime novels. I enjoyed it and gave it ★★★★'s.

[Octavia Cade · Rating 2 out of 5]

This collection consists of seventy-odd very short essays, which were originally published (according to the blurb on the back) as Sunday columns in the newspaper. They're breezy, informal pieces about dogs and family and friends. I think the best description of them is chatty - considering how short these essays are, they do jump about, sometimes in unconvincing ways, much as conversations do. They're all very mildly funny, and I can already tell that by the time I've woken up tomorrow morning, I'll have forgotten every single one of them.

[Tracy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very funny, and nice to have a little insight into an author whose books I have read so many of. Not divorced, but totally related to everything ;)
My corgi barks at everything he thinks he should be controlling also, and answers to "Kitty kitty" and both the cats names, because we didn't really want those cats anyway, we wanted the dog, right?

[Peggy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could relate to so many of Lisa's stories. I am older than she is but feel the same pain (of aging). It was fun to laugh out loud so many times (even in places one should be quiet, like a doctor's waiting room). Aha, that is one great thing about aging--less worry about what people think about you.

[Chloë [at the cottage] · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF @ 25%. My time is more valuable than finishing this drivel.

It’s very dated (late 00’s), filled with internalized misogyny, fatphobia, boomer-Karen musings that I do not care to read about; living through that time was bad enough 😅

[Jody Walsh · Rating 3 out of 5]

What a fun, easy and quick read. It was interesting to get to know this author a little better, reading about her family, her struggles, her angst, and her successes. It makes her characters seem more believable understanding a little better her persona life. This is a collection of her articles that appear in the Philadelphia Enquirer. It was also fun to read about places close to home.

[Evie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fun book! Nothing earth-shattering, but reminds readers to slow down to seek the little things in life. Plenty of laugh-out-loud, relatable moments for any woman older than 40 (and reasons to laugh at us if you're younger)!

[Tamara Domino · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author narrates these funny short stories! Light and easy!

[Karen Brooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a collection of columns that Lisa Scottoline, a novelist, wrote for the Philadelphia Inquirer and, as the title indicates, they are humorous, reflective, self-deprecating and frankly, really heart-warming. They might not be everyone's cup of tea, but this rich glimpse into a thrice-married writer, with one daughter, a feisty aging mother, a gay brother and loads of dogs, is delightful.

From braless emergency room moments, to her mother insisting on wearing a lab coat, to her daughter's graduation (her daughter also has a voice in a couple of the columns: ie. she writes them, and they're lovely too), to a road trip for book signings and many other things in-between, Scottoline shares them all. I laughed out loud, cried, empathised, and appreciated her frankness. I would often read columns to my partner who enjoyed hearing them.

I don't normally seek out these kinds of books - a collection of previously published works, but I make an exception for this one. It's great to read chronologically or to do dip in and out. Described as chick-wit, I think it has a broader appeal than that for what it covers is what effects us all, relationships, family, work, tradespeople, decisions, pets... admittedly, all these are coloured with Scottoline's specific slant, but once you understand where she's coming from, she's hard to put down.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book of essays about what it's like to be an ordinary woman living in the world today (originally published as columns in the Philadelphia Inquirer). I laughed out loud so many times. I also had several moments when I thought to myself, "Wait, someone else feels the same way that I do about X"? (especially about Dead Whoppers in my movie candy, or about how the reason women interrupt each other all the time is because we're so excited about what the other person is saying, we just can't hold it in...) I can't wait to re-read this one and will also pass it on to all my friends. Give it a try - I don't think you will be sorry. (Scottoline also writes great thrillers -- about a year ago my friend Phyllis recommended "Look Again" to me and since then I've been a big fan.)

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read Lisa Scottoline's mysteries for years, and am always anxious for her next one to come out. So, when I heard that she had published this book, which is not a novel, I was intrigued. I finally got it from the library and was so excited- and, I am happy to say, this book did not only not diappoint me, but exceeded my expectations.
This collection of "Chick Wit" columns allow us a peak inside Scottoline's life. I must say, I felt that I knew her family, and recognized them (or parts of them) from her fictional characters.
I laughed, I cried, and when I was done, I Googled "Chick Wit" and found where the Philadelphia Inquirier publishes it online. So, best of all, I can continue reading on a weekly basis.