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How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane: And Other Lessons in Parenting from a Highly Questionable Source
Looking for the perfect book to help you survive childbirth and parenting with your sanity intact?
Look elsewhere.
For Johanna Stein (writer/comedian/forward/slash/abuser and occasionally neurotic/immature/way-too-candid mom), parenting is an extreme sport. Her stories from the trenches may not always be shared experiences -- Have you ever wondered if your baby's "soft spot" is like a delete key? Trained your preschooler for a zombie invasion? Accused a nearly nude stranger of being pregnant? Made sweet, bimonthly love to your spouse while your toddler serenaded you through the adjoining wall? Attempted to calm your screaming baby on an airplane with a hand puppet, only to have it lead to one of the most disgusting experiences of your life? -- but they will always make you laugh.
So, no, this book won't teach you how to deal with nipple blisters or Oedipal complexes. But if you want to learn why you should never attempt to play a practical joke in the hospital delivery room, then you're in the right place.
Look elsewhere.
For Johanna Stein (writer/comedian/forward/slash/abuser and occasionally neurotic/immature/way-too-candid mom), parenting is an extreme sport. Her stories from the trenches may not always be shared experiences -- Have you ever wondered if your baby's "soft spot" is like a delete key? Trained your preschooler for a zombie invasion? Accused a nearly nude stranger of being pregnant? Made sweet, bimonthly love to your spouse while your toddler serenaded you through the adjoining wall? Attempted to calm your screaming baby on an airplane with a hand puppet, only to have it lead to one of the most disgusting experiences of your life? -- but they will always make you laugh.
So, no, this book won't teach you how to deal with nipple blisters or Oedipal complexes. But if you want to learn why you should never attempt to play a practical joke in the hospital delivery room, then you're in the right place.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published April 29, 2014
12 people are currently reading
784 people want to read
About the author
Johanna Stein
9 books13 followersJohanna Stein is a writer/director/comedian/forward/slash/abuser whose work has been seen in The NY Times, The Huffington Post, Parents Magazine, CBS, PBS, Comedy Central, The Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, The Oxygen Network, VH-1 and all over the Worldwide Internets where her comedy shorts, PSA's, and Yahoo! web series "Life of Mom" have been seen millions of times (and no, not all of those were her mom).
She lives in Los Angeles with her husband, their daughter, and a dog who once ate a couch.
She lives in Los Angeles with her husband, their daughter, and a dog who once ate a couch.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 70 reviews
April 21, 2014
This might be my favorite book about parenting... ever.
Now, don't be confused by this title. This is in no way, shape, or form a book about parenting advice. It is a collection of humerous moments from the author's dating and baby birthing/rearing history. And this book is freaking hilarious.
I think whether or not you will enjoy this book will depend on the type of parent you are. I am the exact same type of parent at the author, therefore, I loved the crap out of this book. I was nodding and laughing and saying thing like, "THIS! Exactly THIS!" to my husband, who just "um huh"-ed like he had a clue what I was rambling about.
I practically highlighted the entire book. I kid you not. I would love to put some of my favorite quotes here but I had so many that it borders on obscene. I'm hard pressed to pick just one so I just throw a random one out there for everyone.
The baby had a bad latch, which led to my breasts being engorged, which led to my milk supply drying up, which led to my sitting in a small windowless office while a grown woman named Binky milked me.
That's right. I was milked by a Binky.
Binky grabbed my nipple and pinched it hard- I realize this sounds like porn for Teletubbies but it was as sexy as back acne, (i.e., not at all). She grabbed my nipple and jammed it about twelve inches into the baby's mouth. At that moment, the moment of my first proper latch, it became clear that my baby was part piranha. I'm not sure how I managed to conceive a child with the genes of a carnivorous freshwater fish from South America, but it seemed the only way to explain the excruciating pain.
I stamped my foot on the floor repeatedly, mostly to keep myself from punching my baby in the face. (Truth is I would never punch my baby. I may, however, wait until she's fifteen years old and give her one retroactively. I'm fairly certain she'll deserve it by then anyway.)
I mean, if you find that funny (I DID- I've beeeeen there) then you will love this book. It was excellent and I'll now buy anything this author writes.
**Copy provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review**
Now, don't be confused by this title. This is in no way, shape, or form a book about parenting advice. It is a collection of humerous moments from the author's dating and baby birthing/rearing history. And this book is freaking hilarious.
I think whether or not you will enjoy this book will depend on the type of parent you are. I am the exact same type of parent at the author, therefore, I loved the crap out of this book. I was nodding and laughing and saying thing like, "THIS! Exactly THIS!" to my husband, who just "um huh"-ed like he had a clue what I was rambling about.
I practically highlighted the entire book. I kid you not. I would love to put some of my favorite quotes here but I had so many that it borders on obscene. I'm hard pressed to pick just one so I just throw a random one out there for everyone.
The baby had a bad latch, which led to my breasts being engorged, which led to my milk supply drying up, which led to my sitting in a small windowless office while a grown woman named Binky milked me.
That's right. I was milked by a Binky.
Binky grabbed my nipple and pinched it hard- I realize this sounds like porn for Teletubbies but it was as sexy as back acne, (i.e., not at all). She grabbed my nipple and jammed it about twelve inches into the baby's mouth. At that moment, the moment of my first proper latch, it became clear that my baby was part piranha. I'm not sure how I managed to conceive a child with the genes of a carnivorous freshwater fish from South America, but it seemed the only way to explain the excruciating pain.
I stamped my foot on the floor repeatedly, mostly to keep myself from punching my baby in the face. (Truth is I would never punch my baby. I may, however, wait until she's fifteen years old and give her one retroactively. I'm fairly certain she'll deserve it by then anyway.)
I mean, if you find that funny (I DID- I've beeeeen there) then you will love this book. It was excellent and I'll now buy anything this author writes.
**Copy provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review**
May 7, 2015
UPDATE (10/06/2014): Upgrading my rating from 4/5 to 5/5 now that formatting issues on the ebook edition have been fixed. Thank you Johanna for the speedy fix and the opportunity to read this book in its intended format.
Original review:
“Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.”
― Ray Romano
How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane is a comic memoir comprised of a series of short stories centering around the authors experiences as a first time mom. Reading this late into the night trying not to wake anyone with my laughing, I can easily say that this is the funniest book that I have read all year. The author has a perfect balance of sincerity and hilari..osity. I really want to be this girls friend.
The only thing that I didn't like about this book was the constant notes. The writing is already pretty rambled (which I have no problem with), but with the constant notes after every paragraph it made it confusing to read. I would be finishing one page and see a huge paragraphed note about something I read on the last page and it just made for a bit of a disjointed reading experience.
However I was reading this on my kindle, which only shows one small page at a time so perhaps reading a hard copy of this would have better results in regards to the notes.
Overall though I really loved this book and would definitely recommend. I think this would make a cute and memorable baby shower gift. 4/5
Note: I received this book for free in exchange for an honest review.
Original review:
“Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.”
― Ray Romano
How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane is a comic memoir comprised of a series of short stories centering around the authors experiences as a first time mom. Reading this late into the night trying not to wake anyone with my laughing, I can easily say that this is the funniest book that I have read all year. The author has a perfect balance of sincerity and hilari..osity. I really want to be this girls friend.
The only thing that I didn't like about this book was the constant notes. The writing is already pretty rambled (which I have no problem with), but with the constant notes after every paragraph it made it confusing to read. I would be finishing one page and see a huge paragraphed note about something I read on the last page and it just made for a bit of a disjointed reading experience.
However I was reading this on my kindle, which only shows one small page at a time so perhaps reading a hard copy of this would have better results in regards to the notes.
Overall though I really loved this book and would definitely recommend. I think this would make a cute and memorable baby shower gift. 4/5
Note: I received this book for free in exchange for an honest review.
January 31, 2020
This is a humor book, not a parenting book. Totally made me laugh out loud and made my husband mad how many things I read out loud to him. Definitely a book to read if you need a good laugh.
I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy of this book, all opinions are my own.
I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy of this book, all opinions are my own.
April 22, 2014
Thanks to Heather K. for bringing this book to my attention.
Parenting is a tough job. No matter what advice you get, what manuals you refer to, nothing prepares you for taking on the responsibility of that new life. How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane: And Other Lessons in Parenting from a Highly Questionable Source is a fresh, hilarious take on things that only parents can laugh at. Parts of this book made me laugh so hard I nearly peed my pants. Other parts brought back some blurry memories of sleepless nights. In fact, my husband and I barely remember our thirties because we were that tired.
You see, I had that kid - you know, the kid on the plane that wouldn't shut up. In fact, he cried for an entire 5 hour flight. Complete strangers walked up to us offering all sorts of things. On the return flight, passengers asked NOT to be seated near us.
This book is full of things that parents can certainly relate to: Operation For-the Love-of-God-Go-to-Sleep, Fight the Pink (yah, right - what are the chances?), your toddler walking in at the wrong time, etc.
How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane would make a fantastic gift to expectant parents everywhere, especially if you're smug enough to have "been there, done that, got the spit up on the t-shirt type of parent. It's a quick read, takes a humorous look at parenting, and hey - you need a sense of humor to be a parent.
Thank you to NetGalley and Perseus Book Group De Capo Press for a review copy of this book.
Parenting is a tough job. No matter what advice you get, what manuals you refer to, nothing prepares you for taking on the responsibility of that new life. How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane: And Other Lessons in Parenting from a Highly Questionable Source is a fresh, hilarious take on things that only parents can laugh at. Parts of this book made me laugh so hard I nearly peed my pants. Other parts brought back some blurry memories of sleepless nights. In fact, my husband and I barely remember our thirties because we were that tired.
You see, I had that kid - you know, the kid on the plane that wouldn't shut up. In fact, he cried for an entire 5 hour flight. Complete strangers walked up to us offering all sorts of things. On the return flight, passengers asked NOT to be seated near us.
This book is full of things that parents can certainly relate to: Operation For-the Love-of-God-Go-to-Sleep, Fight the Pink (yah, right - what are the chances?), your toddler walking in at the wrong time, etc.
How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane would make a fantastic gift to expectant parents everywhere, especially if you're smug enough to have "been there, done that, got the spit up on the t-shirt type of parent. It's a quick read, takes a humorous look at parenting, and hey - you need a sense of humor to be a parent.
Thank you to NetGalley and Perseus Book Group De Capo Press for a review copy of this book.
January 27, 2019
Disclaimer: I received a free digital copy of this book from NetGalley. My review was not required to be positive. All thoughts and opinions are entirely my own. This review will also appear on Amazon, my blog Mediatron (under construction), and NetGalley.
Have you seen the picture that's been circulating recently of the 19 pound newborn? Aside from the liberal conspiracy theorist in my head who informs me that this is some elaborate experiment by Hobby Lobby to find an effective form of birth control they won't have to include in their healthcare plan, it got me to thinking that I probably need to start mentally preparing myself for motherhood, even if it seems really far off. I've had my fair share of experience caring for children and have even had days where I wanted to rip my own ovaries out because of it. This book confirms the difficult yet rewarding reality of parenting - humor and mutual suffering help ease the pain of a long day explaining that I appreciate your love of abstract art but no, you may not decorate the walls with your poop (a conversation I'm sure at least one parent has had before).
Johanna Stein is not afraid to share the most mortifying, humiliating, and just plain weird stories of pregnancy and parenting with her readers. The honesty and wit are what make the already original stories even more intriguing. Her storytelling skills are beyond belief - she transforms waking a sleeping newborn into an atmospheric horror story, a visit to a children's salon into a hypnotizing spiritual experience, and a playdate in the park becomes a captivating moral about parenting styles. Stein discusses the ways in which parenting changes us - and the ways in which it doesn't.
How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane is an anti-parenting-manual, as Stein reluctantly comes to the conclusion that educated parenting philosophies don't hold up when confronted with a real, live baby - parenting is mostly about taking the path of least resistance and crossing your fingers that you don't screw up bad enough to turn your kid into a serial killer. Want to raise your child as genderless with no barbies, princesses, or pink? Have fun prying that blinking tiara from your adamant child's delighted fingers. Unsure of how to teach your children about privacy (after being asked why you're wrestling for the zillionth time?) It doesn't really matter, your little demon will find a way to ruin it anyway. The controversial issues of sleep-training and pacifier use become a little less complicated when you've been awake with a screaming baby for three straight days. Stein will make you laugh/cry/cringe as you realize that the hopes/dreams/fears you have for your child are often going to turn into gray hairs/sleepless nights/entire bottles of wine as you face a daily battle with the persistent/obnoxious/sickeningly-adorable spawn of Satan (aka you).
Have you seen the picture that's been circulating recently of the 19 pound newborn? Aside from the liberal conspiracy theorist in my head who informs me that this is some elaborate experiment by Hobby Lobby to find an effective form of birth control they won't have to include in their healthcare plan, it got me to thinking that I probably need to start mentally preparing myself for motherhood, even if it seems really far off. I've had my fair share of experience caring for children and have even had days where I wanted to rip my own ovaries out because of it. This book confirms the difficult yet rewarding reality of parenting - humor and mutual suffering help ease the pain of a long day explaining that I appreciate your love of abstract art but no, you may not decorate the walls with your poop (a conversation I'm sure at least one parent has had before).
Johanna Stein is not afraid to share the most mortifying, humiliating, and just plain weird stories of pregnancy and parenting with her readers. The honesty and wit are what make the already original stories even more intriguing. Her storytelling skills are beyond belief - she transforms waking a sleeping newborn into an atmospheric horror story, a visit to a children's salon into a hypnotizing spiritual experience, and a playdate in the park becomes a captivating moral about parenting styles. Stein discusses the ways in which parenting changes us - and the ways in which it doesn't.
How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane is an anti-parenting-manual, as Stein reluctantly comes to the conclusion that educated parenting philosophies don't hold up when confronted with a real, live baby - parenting is mostly about taking the path of least resistance and crossing your fingers that you don't screw up bad enough to turn your kid into a serial killer. Want to raise your child as genderless with no barbies, princesses, or pink? Have fun prying that blinking tiara from your adamant child's delighted fingers. Unsure of how to teach your children about privacy (after being asked why you're wrestling for the zillionth time?) It doesn't really matter, your little demon will find a way to ruin it anyway. The controversial issues of sleep-training and pacifier use become a little less complicated when you've been awake with a screaming baby for three straight days. Stein will make you laugh/cry/cringe as you realize that the hopes/dreams/fears you have for your child are often going to turn into gray hairs/sleepless nights/entire bottles of wine as you face a daily battle with the persistent/obnoxious/sickeningly-adorable spawn of Satan (aka you).
September 20, 2019
I chuckled my way through this one !
August 27, 2016
This is the most hilarious thing I have read in a long time! If you are a parent (really, of any vintage), and especially if you are a mother, you can't really miss here. Favorite passages brought back oh, so many memories. The childbirth segments brought back exactly four memories, and the Pitocin drip made me wince with what the trendy folk are calling "muscle memory". And thank you to Net Galley for the free read!
Who in the world, besides this woman, would think to save her placenta to use in a practical joke?
Other great favorites had to do with the Binky Fairy and of course, of course the airline puppet.
The only thing that kept this from earning my fifth star--which indicates, as far as I am concerned, that it is among the best of its genre--were the footnotes. On an e-reader, footnotes pop up in the middle of the text or wherever, and slightly lighter colored print didn't work for me. It's jarring. Use the best material in those footnotes in the text, and just cut the rest of them. The book can stand on its own without them.
For the reader, my advice is to get this one on actual paper. It will be funnier if you don't have to decode it. And there is no doubt whatsoever: Stein is searingly funny!
Who in the world, besides this woman, would think to save her placenta to use in a practical joke?
Other great favorites had to do with the Binky Fairy and of course, of course the airline puppet.
The only thing that kept this from earning my fifth star--which indicates, as far as I am concerned, that it is among the best of its genre--were the footnotes. On an e-reader, footnotes pop up in the middle of the text or wherever, and slightly lighter colored print didn't work for me. It's jarring. Use the best material in those footnotes in the text, and just cut the rest of them. The book can stand on its own without them.
For the reader, my advice is to get this one on actual paper. It will be funnier if you don't have to decode it. And there is no doubt whatsoever: Stein is searingly funny!
March 31, 2014
How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane is a hysterical book of essays by Johanna Stein. She tells relatable and humorous stories of trying to raise a child, as well as the changes a marriage goes through when your first have a child. From the perils of entering The American Girl Store, taking a child on a plane, to explaining “privacy” to a 4 year old who keeps walking in on you and your husband , Stein will having your sides hurting from so much laughing. The author is so down to earth, and the humor is so consistent that whether you are a parent or not only you will fly though this book but will be eagerly awaiting her next book (Note from Reviewer to Author: Please write another book!) .
5/5 Stars
5/5 Stars
February 13, 2021
This book is hilarious and really resonated with me. I loved the chapter about Christmas. Lets face it, Chanukah just cannot compete with Christmas (no child gets excited about oil almost running out). So many laugh out loud lines. Brilliant.
December 18, 2020
The last time I saw Johanna Stein I was standing on a dimly lit stage in the bowels of Hollywood wearing a g string. It was her idea. Many years have passed and now that she has become a mother she is still as wicked. This parenting book has lots of Eeeew! humor. It also contains NO SECRETS. I enjoyed every single footnote. My favorite being, "*Names and details have been changed to protect the innocent, the douche-baggy, and that one guy who still lives in the blue house at 78 Atlantic Ave." There are a lot of punchy punchlines, original mottos and 2 Appendixes. Most of all though there are a lot of tears-- in a I'm watching my kid leave me and go into the fake kitchen on his first day of kindergarten way.
April 9, 2014
Review Edit
After writing my review here, on Goodreads, and on Booklikes as well as sending out to NetGalley letting them know about the crappy ARC, I got a response from not only the author herself but from NetGalley.
I was sent a new copy, and was excited when I didn't have to play find the other half of the paragraph!! How Not To Calm a Child On A Plane was much more enjoyable the second time around with all the proper edits in place.
After much consideration, I have given this book the extra star that it deserves. My only issue was with the editing, and since that has been resolved I don't see why I should punish a book that has the ability to make me fear my own daughter and silently laugh while simultaneously clapping my hands like a seal.
This is officially my go to book for every baby shower that I have to power through, and definitely a re-read every time my own daughter does something sketchy!
Thank You Johanna Stein for making me laugh even when I want to surrender and join the dark side of crying with the baby!
Original Review
How Not To Calm A Child On A Plane was one of the funniest books I have read in a long time. There were times when I was laughing so hard that I was crying, and also times where I was laughing so hard that my boyfriend was shaking his head (he’s apparently use to it) and times where I woke up my child.
Johanna Stein gives a completely unfiltered perspective on raising her daughter. It was absolutely refreshing, if you have a child then you already know how some mothers completely sugar coat EVERYTHING. From pregnancy to delivery and onward.
Ms. Stein showed me what I have to look forward to, and I can say with all honesty that I am slightly terrified of my own daughter.
Thanks for that…
The only complaint I have, which has nothing to do with the writing, is the editing. It was horrific, I really hope that my ARC doesn’t resemble the finished copy.
If you have a chance, Google How Not To Calm A Child On A Plane… there’s a video.
I leave you with this quote, taken from the plane chapter.
“People file past us, with varying looks of pity and horror but mostly relief that they’re not sitting next to the kid who’s screaming like a mongoose that’s been stabbed with a rusty steak knife.”
This ARC was provided by Perseus Books Group, Da Capo Press via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
After writing my review here, on Goodreads, and on Booklikes as well as sending out to NetGalley letting them know about the crappy ARC, I got a response from not only the author herself but from NetGalley.
I was sent a new copy, and was excited when I didn't have to play find the other half of the paragraph!! How Not To Calm a Child On A Plane was much more enjoyable the second time around with all the proper edits in place.
After much consideration, I have given this book the extra star that it deserves. My only issue was with the editing, and since that has been resolved I don't see why I should punish a book that has the ability to make me fear my own daughter and silently laugh while simultaneously clapping my hands like a seal.
This is officially my go to book for every baby shower that I have to power through, and definitely a re-read every time my own daughter does something sketchy!
Thank You Johanna Stein for making me laugh even when I want to surrender and join the dark side of crying with the baby!
Original Review
How Not To Calm A Child On A Plane was one of the funniest books I have read in a long time. There were times when I was laughing so hard that I was crying, and also times where I was laughing so hard that my boyfriend was shaking his head (he’s apparently use to it) and times where I woke up my child.
Johanna Stein gives a completely unfiltered perspective on raising her daughter. It was absolutely refreshing, if you have a child then you already know how some mothers completely sugar coat EVERYTHING. From pregnancy to delivery and onward.
Ms. Stein showed me what I have to look forward to, and I can say with all honesty that I am slightly terrified of my own daughter.
Thanks for that…
The only complaint I have, which has nothing to do with the writing, is the editing. It was horrific, I really hope that my ARC doesn’t resemble the finished copy.
If you have a chance, Google How Not To Calm A Child On A Plane… there’s a video.
I leave you with this quote, taken from the plane chapter.
“People file past us, with varying looks of pity and horror but mostly relief that they’re not sitting next to the kid who’s screaming like a mongoose that’s been stabbed with a rusty steak knife.”
This ARC was provided by Perseus Books Group, Da Capo Press via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
March 30, 2014
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The beginning of this book I found hilarious, but by the end of the book the story had lost much of its charm.
The beginning of this book starts out incredibly strong, with the author describing her pre-birth classes and the actual birth process. There were numerous times throughout the first few chapters that I found myself laughing out loud and having to share the funny snippet I had just read with anyone even remotely close to me. The book sort of went downhill after the first couple of chapters, the author talked more about lessons of marriage/with her husband than about parenting experiences. I found myself wondering a few times during the latter section of the book, what exactly the information had to do with "Other Lessons in Parenting". That being said, I still found myself laughing out loud during a couple scenes/sections in the second part of the book.
I thought that the information in this book was extremely amusing and that this book would definitely be a great book to give to new/old mothers. While the information in this book isn't entirely helpful, it's still amusing and is guaranteed to put a smile on any mothers (or non-mothers) face.
I thought the writing in this book was witty and refreshing to read. The author writes in a very conversational style, almost as if she's speaking and telling her story to the reader. Normally I'm not a fan of that style of writing, but it worked exceptionally well and flowed very smoothly in this book. The only problem that I had with the writing style were the constant footnotes. I didn't think they added any necessary information to the story and found that, in fact, they extremely interrupt the flow of the book.
I would recommend this book to parents and non-parents alike. This book is a quick, easy read that is great for a chuckle (or full blown laughter).
I received this book for review purposes via NetGalley.
The beginning of this book I found hilarious, but by the end of the book the story had lost much of its charm.
The beginning of this book starts out incredibly strong, with the author describing her pre-birth classes and the actual birth process. There were numerous times throughout the first few chapters that I found myself laughing out loud and having to share the funny snippet I had just read with anyone even remotely close to me. The book sort of went downhill after the first couple of chapters, the author talked more about lessons of marriage/with her husband than about parenting experiences. I found myself wondering a few times during the latter section of the book, what exactly the information had to do with "Other Lessons in Parenting". That being said, I still found myself laughing out loud during a couple scenes/sections in the second part of the book.
I thought that the information in this book was extremely amusing and that this book would definitely be a great book to give to new/old mothers. While the information in this book isn't entirely helpful, it's still amusing and is guaranteed to put a smile on any mothers (or non-mothers) face.
I thought the writing in this book was witty and refreshing to read. The author writes in a very conversational style, almost as if she's speaking and telling her story to the reader. Normally I'm not a fan of that style of writing, but it worked exceptionally well and flowed very smoothly in this book. The only problem that I had with the writing style were the constant footnotes. I didn't think they added any necessary information to the story and found that, in fact, they extremely interrupt the flow of the book.
I would recommend this book to parents and non-parents alike. This book is a quick, easy read that is great for a chuckle (or full blown laughter).
I received this book for review purposes via NetGalley.
March 31, 2014
This is one of those books which you'll either love, or find just okay and wonder what all the fuss is about. Most of the dichotomy can be put down to the narrative voice, which will resonate with you in either a harmonious or incredibly annoying way, but it also comes down to this: do you want to read another book wallowing in the "I'm a bad mommy" role?
It doesn't get into any actual *parenting* till about a quarter of the way in, and that first section went well past TMI and strayed into the "and now I don't care" area. It's littered with humorous, explanative footnotes, but the drawback of an ARC is that text and footnotes sometimes get jumbled, and it was hard enough to follow her train of thought - with all its rabbit trails - anyway. Obviously that won't matter to someone reading the finished product, but it did affect my enjoyment a lot, so I feel it's only fair to mention that.
There were some very funny moments, a couple of which almost brought me to laughter, but I felt some were forced, as if she were *trying* to be funny but trying too hard; many were just too far past funny for me to even smile at. (Also, the so-called "gentler" sleep training she used? CIO.)
Warning: there is bad language, so if that bothers you, think about giving this a miss. It also isn't chronological and jumps around till you're not sure whether this is the same child or same dog that was mentioned earlier, which was yet another annoyance to me. In short, this really wasn't the book for me.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
It doesn't get into any actual *parenting* till about a quarter of the way in, and that first section went well past TMI and strayed into the "and now I don't care" area. It's littered with humorous, explanative footnotes, but the drawback of an ARC is that text and footnotes sometimes get jumbled, and it was hard enough to follow her train of thought - with all its rabbit trails - anyway. Obviously that won't matter to someone reading the finished product, but it did affect my enjoyment a lot, so I feel it's only fair to mention that.
There were some very funny moments, a couple of which almost brought me to laughter, but I felt some were forced, as if she were *trying* to be funny but trying too hard; many were just too far past funny for me to even smile at. (Also, the so-called "gentler" sleep training she used? CIO.)
Warning: there is bad language, so if that bothers you, think about giving this a miss. It also isn't chronological and jumps around till you're not sure whether this is the same child or same dog that was mentioned earlier, which was yet another annoyance to me. In short, this really wasn't the book for me.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
April 2, 2014
"I'm on chapter one and I'm akready madly in love with this book. You know when you first start a novel and immediately connect with the author's voice and you're so excited to go forward because you know its going to rock? That's where I am right now."
That was a text I sent my fellow baby having fantastic friend Angela shortly after starting this novel and I have to say, I wasn't wrong. I've read piles of humorous parenting books over the past few years as becoming a parent guarantees you a lot fewer party invitations, but this is easily one of the best. Its a collection of short vignettes all told in heartwarming/sarcastic/hilarious glory. My only complaint is it seemed to have lightened up on the humor in the end, perhaps they should consider reshuffling the stories. Still, I will be happily adding this to things I will be buying for new mom babyshowers, the wisdom held within is a lot more useful than the majority of their registry.
I received a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
That was a text I sent my fellow baby having fantastic friend Angela shortly after starting this novel and I have to say, I wasn't wrong. I've read piles of humorous parenting books over the past few years as becoming a parent guarantees you a lot fewer party invitations, but this is easily one of the best. Its a collection of short vignettes all told in heartwarming/sarcastic/hilarious glory. My only complaint is it seemed to have lightened up on the humor in the end, perhaps they should consider reshuffling the stories. Still, I will be happily adding this to things I will be buying for new mom babyshowers, the wisdom held within is a lot more useful than the majority of their registry.
I received a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
July 29, 2014
I received this book as a Goodreads First Read winner.
How Not to Calm a Child on A Plane is the funniest books I have had the enjoyment of reading. Johanna Stein tells a great story of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. This is not your everyday "Mommy" book. She is real. Life is not perfect. Mommies lose their minds a little and things do get pretty funny. Her story was funny, relatable, and the a great pick me up for when you think you might not be the perfect parent.
This book made me laugh so hard I cried-in the middle of McDonald's with everyone looking at me like I was a crazy person. I didn't want to put it down. I was so tickled by the book I wanted to read the whole thing out loud to my husband. I recommend this book for anyone who has kids, or is thinking about it. I give this book "5 out of 5" stars. It is a must read!!
How Not to Calm a Child on A Plane is the funniest books I have had the enjoyment of reading. Johanna Stein tells a great story of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. This is not your everyday "Mommy" book. She is real. Life is not perfect. Mommies lose their minds a little and things do get pretty funny. Her story was funny, relatable, and the a great pick me up for when you think you might not be the perfect parent.
This book made me laugh so hard I cried-in the middle of McDonald's with everyone looking at me like I was a crazy person. I didn't want to put it down. I was so tickled by the book I wanted to read the whole thing out loud to my husband. I recommend this book for anyone who has kids, or is thinking about it. I give this book "5 out of 5" stars. It is a must read!!
January 10, 2015
Hilarious take on the trials and tribulations of having a baby, raising a girl, maintaining a marriage and keeping your sanity! This is a laugh out loud I've-been-there collection of thoughts. Especially enjoyed the footnotes and the chapter explaining the many life lessons learned by dating the wrong men.
March 22, 2019
A roller coaster of emotions!
Absolutely love love love this book! I totally relate to every inch of this person’s personality and parenting tactics. Would recommend to any of my new mom friends. The five stars are to show how amazed I am by this mother’s open character, and shameless bravery, as she moved forward into parenthood.
Absolutely love love love this book! I totally relate to every inch of this person’s personality and parenting tactics. Would recommend to any of my new mom friends. The five stars are to show how amazed I am by this mother’s open character, and shameless bravery, as she moved forward into parenthood.
June 13, 2017
4 stars for hilarity and an extra star for the Winnipeg references. The Palomino Club still exists.
July 20, 2015
This book had me laughing out loud! At times over the top, Johanna's self-deprecating sense of humor and stories really spoke to me. I am adding this to my list of favorite memoirs!
August 13, 2018
Some nice light reading to counteract all of the parenting books I’ve been reading (that are telling me all the things I’m doing wrong!)
October 16, 2018
I love parenting humor books, and this one is laugh out loud funny! Definitely worth the read.
August 23, 2019
Spot on and absolutely hilarious, a perfect look into the realities of parenting!
November 9, 2024
This book had its moments that were funny for sure. However, I felt like much of the writing was meant to be laugh-out-loud funny and just fell flat for me. There were definitely a few lines that were so outrageous you couldn't help but laugh, and it was most certainly a fast read. I just didn't enjoy this nearly as much as I thought I would.
December 28, 2024
For total whiplash, read it like I did, directly after finishing Louise Erdrich's The Blue Jay's Dance, A Memoir of Early Motherhood. What can I say? How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane had compelling cover art, and I judged the book to be worth reading.
February 10, 2020
Some parts are pretty funny but a lot of it felt like TMI :P
July 4, 2020
Made me laugh out loud, but does have a lot of trashy.
May 18, 2021
Hilarious
April 20, 2022
Definitely laughed out loud
April 28, 2014
How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane by Johanna Stein is a highly recommended and hilarious look at parenting young children.
Through 25 chapters and two appendices Stein will have you rolling with laughter and occasionally groaning with disgust in How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane. This is a look at having that first child and then parenting through the first few years. I firmly believe that you need to have had a child before reading this book. At that point you are going to fully appreciate most of the humor which is geared especially toward parents of young children.
For example:
"They call the first three months of a baby’s life 'the fourth trimester.' I call it the apocalypse. There is so much sleeplessness and tears and vomit and random bodily fluids projecting themselves skyward—it’s the third circle of hell, and it smells like the inside of a Lollapalooza porta-potty." Location 176
"Look, I understand that it’s 'illegal' to duct tape a pacifier to a baby’s face. Fine. But we can’t even glue it to her hand? Since when are we living in a fascist state?!" Location 1769
"You just don’t realize the absolute power of your baby’s cry until you willfully ignore it. Nature knew what it was doing when it picked that particular combination of sounds (pathetic, indignant, and loud) that tug at something deep within me, somewhere between my cervix and my spleen." Location 759
There are other humorous comments that everyone can appreciate. "Who am I to judge? If somebody filmed all of my questionable life moments and then edited them together, the resulting movie would be about three hours shorter than my actual life span." Location 946
I loved the chapter "Operation Fight the Pink" where Stein decrees that her daughter will not be defined by the color pink, never be allowed to dress like a Disney princess, and will be exposed to gender neutral activities. I especially loved:
"4. My child will be a survivor—I don’t just mean metaphorically; she must be able to handle herself in an apocalypse (zombie or otherwise). This means that when fully grown, she must be strong enough to carry me (anywhere between 130–200 pounds; I will do my best to keep it on the low end, but you know . . . metabolism) and demonstrate a basic understanding of electricity, chemistry, several martial arts, weapons handling, and some emergency medical training. She must also know how to use a chain saw." Location 1187
The conclusion is that despite her best attempts her daughter is a Barbie-playing, jewelry-loving pretty pink princess so she has to abandon the Operation Fight the Pink campaign.
Another great chapter was the list of "29 Things I Have Lost since Becoming a Parent," (Location 1413) which includes things like:
2. Bladder control when I sneeze, laugh, do jumping jacks, or stand up from a seated position.
6. The ability to stay awake in a movie theater. Or while watching a TV show after six o’clock. Or while reading an e-mail. Or right now . . .
13. Patience for the sound of adults whining, after twenty seconds.
22. My belief that children can be “molded” into anything other than who they intrinsically are.
23. An argument with another new mom—a close friend—over the use of baby leashes.
24. My friendship with that mom.
27. The illusion that anything in life is guaranteed.
How about Ways in Which My Preschooler Has Insulted Me:
Location 2217
Mommy, your tummy looks like a bagel
Don't sing anymore, mommy. It makes my ears hurt.
Mommy, are you going to make yourself pretty today, or are you going to look like you always do?
You have a lot of hairs on your face. Is that a mustache or a beard?
Which one is oldest: Grandma, Grandpa, or you?
I enjoyed this book, but with a note of caution: it does contain some colorful language and some adult situations are discussed.
Disclosure: My Kindle edition was courtesy of Da Capo Press via Netgalley for review purposes.
Through 25 chapters and two appendices Stein will have you rolling with laughter and occasionally groaning with disgust in How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane. This is a look at having that first child and then parenting through the first few years. I firmly believe that you need to have had a child before reading this book. At that point you are going to fully appreciate most of the humor which is geared especially toward parents of young children.
For example:
"They call the first three months of a baby’s life 'the fourth trimester.' I call it the apocalypse. There is so much sleeplessness and tears and vomit and random bodily fluids projecting themselves skyward—it’s the third circle of hell, and it smells like the inside of a Lollapalooza porta-potty." Location 176
"Look, I understand that it’s 'illegal' to duct tape a pacifier to a baby’s face. Fine. But we can’t even glue it to her hand? Since when are we living in a fascist state?!" Location 1769
"You just don’t realize the absolute power of your baby’s cry until you willfully ignore it. Nature knew what it was doing when it picked that particular combination of sounds (pathetic, indignant, and loud) that tug at something deep within me, somewhere between my cervix and my spleen." Location 759
There are other humorous comments that everyone can appreciate. "Who am I to judge? If somebody filmed all of my questionable life moments and then edited them together, the resulting movie would be about three hours shorter than my actual life span." Location 946
I loved the chapter "Operation Fight the Pink" where Stein decrees that her daughter will not be defined by the color pink, never be allowed to dress like a Disney princess, and will be exposed to gender neutral activities. I especially loved:
"4. My child will be a survivor—I don’t just mean metaphorically; she must be able to handle herself in an apocalypse (zombie or otherwise). This means that when fully grown, she must be strong enough to carry me (anywhere between 130–200 pounds; I will do my best to keep it on the low end, but you know . . . metabolism) and demonstrate a basic understanding of electricity, chemistry, several martial arts, weapons handling, and some emergency medical training. She must also know how to use a chain saw." Location 1187
The conclusion is that despite her best attempts her daughter is a Barbie-playing, jewelry-loving pretty pink princess so she has to abandon the Operation Fight the Pink campaign.
Another great chapter was the list of "29 Things I Have Lost since Becoming a Parent," (Location 1413) which includes things like:
2. Bladder control when I sneeze, laugh, do jumping jacks, or stand up from a seated position.
6. The ability to stay awake in a movie theater. Or while watching a TV show after six o’clock. Or while reading an e-mail. Or right now . . .
13. Patience for the sound of adults whining, after twenty seconds.
22. My belief that children can be “molded” into anything other than who they intrinsically are.
23. An argument with another new mom—a close friend—over the use of baby leashes.
24. My friendship with that mom.
27. The illusion that anything in life is guaranteed.
How about Ways in Which My Preschooler Has Insulted Me:
Location 2217
Mommy, your tummy looks like a bagel
Don't sing anymore, mommy. It makes my ears hurt.
Mommy, are you going to make yourself pretty today, or are you going to look like you always do?
You have a lot of hairs on your face. Is that a mustache or a beard?
Which one is oldest: Grandma, Grandpa, or you?
I enjoyed this book, but with a note of caution: it does contain some colorful language and some adult situations are discussed.
Disclosure: My Kindle edition was courtesy of Da Capo Press via Netgalley for review purposes.
May 9, 2014
Has your child ever said to you, “Mommy, your tummy looks like a bagel”?
I don’t think I have ever laughed so often and hard at any book I have ever read. I would absolutely want to be friends with this woman, because I think she would make my parenting adventure just a little bit less uptight. As a mother of small children, I could relate on a personal level to something in every chapter; and even the situations that I could not imagine myself in, Johanna Stein brilliantly crafted the events into a completely hilarious anecdote for the objective reader.
How to Not Calm a Child on a Plane is the extremely honest (sometimes shockingly so) selective memoir of her first six years of parenthood: pregnancy through to her daughter starting Kindergarten. Much of the book concentrates on the transition from wife to parenthood and Ms. Stein provides relatability to every parent in their efforts to raise their own children without too profoundly messing them up. She effectively captures her innermost thoughts and feelings, showing us that as hard as we try we can not be perfect; so we may as well have fun with the process.
The language in this book is so vulnerable, yet humorous. Shocking, yet relieving. People want to hear this stuff, but nobody wants to talk about it; at least not in such a way where we could potentially be uncovered as the sole parent who has ever felt a certain emotion, be it initial disappointment in your baby’s gender, or the urge to laugh when your child takes a fall.
Among other experiences, we get the full birth story, how she chose to dispose of her placenta, and details of her personal (all too common) struggle with breastfeeding. We hear of her mission to rid her four year old of the pacifier; Stein confesses as she experiments with different strategies to wean “the kid” off of “the binky, ” saying, “it made me feel desperate and dirty, like some girl popping holes in condoms on prom night.“ We are also reminded that we aren’t the only one who has ever freaked out at an uncooperative stroller; she writes, “he watched me cuss out, kick and cry at a stroller that wouldn’t fold properly.”
Perhaps my favourite parts of this book are the lists that are scattered throughout the chapters, Such as “Twenty Nine Things I Have Lost Since Becoming a Parent.” And my personal favourite, which had me struggling to breathe while tears of hilarity streamed down my shaking face, was “Ways In Which My Preschooler Has Insulted Me.”
When I first saw the cover of this book, I hoped it would be a humorous parenting memoir. How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane completely surpassed my hopeful expectations, delivering a thoroughly unique, frank, and completely gut-bustingly funny experience that won’t be soon be forgotten..
I received an advanced copy of this book through Net Galley for review purposes.
Find other reviews and bookish things at www.bookmusings.com
I don’t think I have ever laughed so often and hard at any book I have ever read. I would absolutely want to be friends with this woman, because I think she would make my parenting adventure just a little bit less uptight. As a mother of small children, I could relate on a personal level to something in every chapter; and even the situations that I could not imagine myself in, Johanna Stein brilliantly crafted the events into a completely hilarious anecdote for the objective reader.
How to Not Calm a Child on a Plane is the extremely honest (sometimes shockingly so) selective memoir of her first six years of parenthood: pregnancy through to her daughter starting Kindergarten. Much of the book concentrates on the transition from wife to parenthood and Ms. Stein provides relatability to every parent in their efforts to raise their own children without too profoundly messing them up. She effectively captures her innermost thoughts and feelings, showing us that as hard as we try we can not be perfect; so we may as well have fun with the process.
The language in this book is so vulnerable, yet humorous. Shocking, yet relieving. People want to hear this stuff, but nobody wants to talk about it; at least not in such a way where we could potentially be uncovered as the sole parent who has ever felt a certain emotion, be it initial disappointment in your baby’s gender, or the urge to laugh when your child takes a fall.
Among other experiences, we get the full birth story, how she chose to dispose of her placenta, and details of her personal (all too common) struggle with breastfeeding. We hear of her mission to rid her four year old of the pacifier; Stein confesses as she experiments with different strategies to wean “the kid” off of “the binky, ” saying, “it made me feel desperate and dirty, like some girl popping holes in condoms on prom night.“ We are also reminded that we aren’t the only one who has ever freaked out at an uncooperative stroller; she writes, “he watched me cuss out, kick and cry at a stroller that wouldn’t fold properly.”
Perhaps my favourite parts of this book are the lists that are scattered throughout the chapters, Such as “Twenty Nine Things I Have Lost Since Becoming a Parent.” And my personal favourite, which had me struggling to breathe while tears of hilarity streamed down my shaking face, was “Ways In Which My Preschooler Has Insulted Me.”
When I first saw the cover of this book, I hoped it would be a humorous parenting memoir. How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane completely surpassed my hopeful expectations, delivering a thoroughly unique, frank, and completely gut-bustingly funny experience that won’t be soon be forgotten..
I received an advanced copy of this book through Net Galley for review purposes.
Find other reviews and bookish things at www.bookmusings.com
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