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How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating
The practical handbook for having that difficult conversation you've been avoiding by the authors of the award-winning and bestselling Boundaries. Now with a discussion guide!
320 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 28, 2003
611 people are currently reading
3009 people want to read
About the author
Henry Cloud
207 books2,130 followersDr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 154 reviews
October 7, 2020
How to Have That Difficult Conversation is a great little read for those looking to understand communication.
I was recommended this book and I have to say, it does a good job for what I needed it for. I wanted to read into boundaries and how to have difficult conversations (you know, the title). It was a very helpful book if you're looking for some more background information and to clarify some different techniques to going into potentially not so great conversations.
Personally, I found this book told me a lot about what I already knew. Despite that, it gives some great examples. I liked the application side of this book and how it gave many different options depending on the context of the difficult conversation. I can really appreciate how this book broke it down and made it simple. It's not the ultimate guide to conversations, but it will give you an excellent start.
It does have Bible verses everywhere, so I can already see some people not liking this book. I didn't mind them. I actually found it really interesting to see how the Bible was being referenced and used in a positive light. If you don't like the religious side of things though, it may not be for you. It didn't bother me in the slightest and I actually enjoyed seeing the Bible verses put to a practical and nice use. I had gotten tired of people using Bible verses for not so nice reasons.
Overall, this is a useful guide to help you on your communication journey.
Four out of five stars.
I was recommended this book and I have to say, it does a good job for what I needed it for. I wanted to read into boundaries and how to have difficult conversations (you know, the title). It was a very helpful book if you're looking for some more background information and to clarify some different techniques to going into potentially not so great conversations.
Personally, I found this book told me a lot about what I already knew. Despite that, it gives some great examples. I liked the application side of this book and how it gave many different options depending on the context of the difficult conversation. I can really appreciate how this book broke it down and made it simple. It's not the ultimate guide to conversations, but it will give you an excellent start.
It does have Bible verses everywhere, so I can already see some people not liking this book. I didn't mind them. I actually found it really interesting to see how the Bible was being referenced and used in a positive light. If you don't like the religious side of things though, it may not be for you. It didn't bother me in the slightest and I actually enjoyed seeing the Bible verses put to a practical and nice use. I had gotten tired of people using Bible verses for not so nice reasons.
Overall, this is a useful guide to help you on your communication journey.
Four out of five stars.
May 4, 2018
This isn’t bad, exactly. I think a lot of the material is decent and could help people. But everything about it irritated me.
To start with, it’s a 3-or-so hour audiobook of a 300+ page book. It’s heavily abridged, to the point that it feel like a CliffNotes summary. Worse, the fact that it’s abridged isn’t mentioned anywhere.
It’s also badly written, cliché and clunky, at what felt like a third grade reading level. I struggled to pay attention. Cloud and Townsend start the book by mention that want to bring the Bible and psychological research together, but never once mention any research and are prone to eisegesis when it comes to scripture. There’s some painful gender stereotyping, which I might have hoped a trained psychologist would have the sense to avoid.
But here’s what really frustrated me: the whole book is written as if there’s nothing at stake in these difficult conversations. Despite mentioning serious issues like prescription drug addiction and abusive relationships, the book maintains a maddeningly unreal Kendrick Brothers-Christian-nice attitude towards real issues. It treats alcoholism within marriage as if it were no more serious than two church elders having a minor tiff over what color curtains to buy for the sanctuary. It’s sterile and othering and inauthentic and it pissed me off.
To start with, it’s a 3-or-so hour audiobook of a 300+ page book. It’s heavily abridged, to the point that it feel like a CliffNotes summary. Worse, the fact that it’s abridged isn’t mentioned anywhere.
It’s also badly written, cliché and clunky, at what felt like a third grade reading level. I struggled to pay attention. Cloud and Townsend start the book by mention that want to bring the Bible and psychological research together, but never once mention any research and are prone to eisegesis when it comes to scripture. There’s some painful gender stereotyping, which I might have hoped a trained psychologist would have the sense to avoid.
But here’s what really frustrated me: the whole book is written as if there’s nothing at stake in these difficult conversations. Despite mentioning serious issues like prescription drug addiction and abusive relationships, the book maintains a maddeningly unreal Kendrick Brothers-Christian-nice attitude towards real issues. It treats alcoholism within marriage as if it were no more serious than two church elders having a minor tiff over what color curtains to buy for the sanctuary. It’s sterile and othering and inauthentic and it pissed me off.
August 19, 2024
A book I wish I’d had 3 years ago.
December 21, 2022
This book is a must-read for everybody! Conflict and hard conversations are frequently avoided - and we’re often not taught the skills to have healthy conflict, but this book gives such a well-rounded perspective on how to lovingly having hard conversations with others from a Biblical perspective.
March 9, 2019
Really good book and so needed for me!
In tough conversations, most people fear losing the relationship, being the object of anger, being hurtful to others, being perceived as bad/unkind;
Confrontation works best when it serves love (motivated, driven by love). Love needs protection like a plant.
The extent to which two people in a relationship can bring up and resolve issues is a critical mark of the soundness of the relationship.
What is ignored tends not to be solved.
Healthy confrontations help people grow emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.
Essentials of Good Conversation: Be emotionally present. Be warm, conversational (anti-lecture), Be clear about You and I.
Be clear in your own mind what you want want ahead of time.
Speak from your need/desire.
Be humble. You cannot control the person.
Clarify the problem: its nature, effects, and your desire for change.
Keep the issues and your desires clear, and you won’t attack or diminish the relationship.
Balance grace and truth. Err on the side of grace. Show you care. “Before we get into the topic, I want you to know I really care about you and about us. I want us to be better, and i want us to be on the same team. I hope I can convey that to you even when we talk about the problem.”
People who have long standing patterns of negative behavior and attitudes have also developed character patterns that help maintain those problems. (e.g. defensiveness) They have internal resistance to seeing themselves as being wrong, flawed, or responsible.
Be prepared. Stay on task. Hear them out to a point. Make defensiveness an issue.
Affirm and validate the people you confront so that the y know they are valued.
Be on their side. Real affirmation means genuine care for the person, and your desire for things to get better. Grace before truth. Establish favor, care, and belief in the person before “facing the issue”. (e.g. I value our relationship. I am your friend and with you 100%. I need to share something with you that would make things better for me. (Face issue) So I wanted to talk about it.”) Don’t use a criticism sandwich! In good confrontation, you face it together.
Apologize for your part in the problem. Principle: When confronting, don’t do it if you owe her an apology first. (Informs that you care, are not judgmental, or win, models humility).
What is ignored tends not to be solved.
Use the formula, “When you do A, I feel B.”
Own your part of the feelings. Avoid, “You make me feel” Those are your feelings. I can’t control what you feel.
Affirm and validate the people you confront so that they know they are valued. Be on his/her side. Grace before truth.
Don’t confront someone if you owe that person an apology first.
Avoid “shoulds”. In its purest form, should isn’t a bad thing. But the word can be used to shame or control. The word ‘should’ feels very parental and judgmental to people.
Redemptive conversations: “I don’t want you to feel I’m here just to dump on you or make you feel bad. That’s not my intention at all. I want us to talk about how we can make this better, and i want to know if there’s anything i can do to help you. I’m on your team here.”
Be specific. What do you want?
Forgiveness has to do with the past. Reconciliation with the present. Trust with the future.
Good boundaries also means that you take responsibility for the good things you want to happen.
With defensiveness, remain centered on what you want, empathize, then go back to you desire. State it clearly, plainly, and don’t try to justify it.
Needs that are worth standing up/fighting for: Need for connection, freedom from control, unconditional love, equality and mutuality, physical safety, emotional and mental safety, to express talents and interests, for rest, for pleasure, for healing.
Only to the extent that someone becomes aware of the problem is she able to take responsibility for the problem!
Take a presumed innocent approach.
Find out how unaware is unaware. Some people have little self-awareness, little ability to look at themselves and perceive what they are doing or why they are doing it. Others are self-aware of faults and mistakes and self-critical, shutting people out emotionally, or to be controlling. “I want to make you aware, and this is not all of you” ground in love, and correct without self-hatred. Others may blame situation, other people and need made aware that they have difficulty being aware. You run the risk of finding yourself never able to get into the heart of that person.
Be direct. To make someone aware of a problem, the best approach is always to be loving but direct.
If one doesn’t admit problem, use specific examples (time, dates, descriptions of events, emotional feelings, impressions), and address underlying resistance.
Tell what you see the results of behavior and attitude in their own life. You care about him/her and do not want the problem to hurt his/her quality of life, goals/dreams, health, etc.
Requesting change helps clarify what is expected and gives her a structure for reestablishing any connection between you and her. A request for change is specific and preserves freedom.
Stopping a behavior: Act justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly with God.
When you prepare to confront someone’s behavior, remember it is a good thing for you to do. It is the right thing and helpful. Don’t minimize the problem. Go hard on the issue, and soft on the person.
Know when to confront and when to let go.
Three possible reactions to confrontation: You can be received well. You can face resistance, defensiveness, or opposition. You can face resistance and retaliation.
Choose the right time and place.
They are levels of faults, hurts, and transgressions. Jesus said, there are more important matters of the law, mercy, justice, and faithfulness. Make sure your reaction is the appropriate level.
Distinguish between what you prefer and what’s wrong
“Susan I want to talk to you, and I want you to hear what I have to say in the spirit in which I mean it. Some things have been concerning me about you, and I mention them in the hopes that they will help you. I am doing this for you, not to hurt you.”
There are three things on the table: you, the other person, and the issue. Speak appropriately to each one.
Listen and seek to understand. Follow up with, “What do you think about what I have said, Joe? What’s your perspective?” “What do you think about how I feel?” “I’m wondering how you see things here.”
Speak to the feelings, then return to the issue. Empathize and return.
Request specific change. Make a plan for after the conversation.
Stay in control of yourself. “I am going to be quiet here for a moment, or I need a moment to gather my thoughts.”
Stay in control of the meeting. This is your agenda, you called the meeting, stick to it.
If the person is unwilling to listen, you may have to get away from the issue, and go to greater problem, inability to solve problems or hear feedback.
Clarify and make sure THEY understand and you have an agreement
Take someone with you if needed.(Matt. 18:15-18)
Dealing with issues: Rationalization. Minimization. Blame. Denial. Projection. Multi-tasking Resister.
Dealing with resistance: Stop being surprised that she does not welcome the truth. Show grace and love. They are the most important elements. Without grace and love, it is unlikely that anything redemptive will happen in your conversation. Grace allows truth to be accepted.
Don’t react to reactions.
Things that prevent you from confronting: Beat around the bush and are not as direct as you want to be. You become too angry and argumentative instead of remaining calm and clear. You feel sorry for the person and lighten up. You’re too anxious. You become overwhelmed. You allow yourself to get sidetracked into arguments or justifying what you think/want. You fear the consequences of confrontation (rejection, disapproval, conflict) that it gets in the way of dealing with the problem.
How to get ready: Own your own failure to confront and stop playing the victim. To the extent that you allow someone to do something you resent, you are part of the problem. 2 Own your motives. Bad: desire to punish/revenge, make someone feel bad, alliance against a person, to feel power instead of powerless, desire to control and reverse roles, desire to dump pain/hurt, Good: stop a bad thing happening, end hurt, bring to light your and other’s contributions to problem, restore closeness, achieve intimacy, restores a breach in relationship, to correct wrong in relationship, to help other person see something they would do well to see, to help other person grow, to stop a destructive cycle, pattern, or behavior, to protect others from someone’s behavior, to problem solve when you are at an impasse, to voice your desires/expectations, to confess your wrong and make amends.
Own your fears: rejection, disapproval, retaliation, loss, other’s anger, hurting a person, requiring another to take responsibility, depriving someone, conflict, being mean, seen as “bad guy”, not knowing how to confront, own imperfection, being outmaneuvered, overpowered, or hurt.
Think about reasons why: Has she been hurt in past? Has she ever had anyone model for her what a good relationship looks like? Is she carrying a lot of pain? Have the ways you have responded in the past been part of the problem?
If you’re interrupted says, “Please wait until I’m finished, Then I will listen.”
In tough conversations, most people fear losing the relationship, being the object of anger, being hurtful to others, being perceived as bad/unkind;
Confrontation works best when it serves love (motivated, driven by love). Love needs protection like a plant.
The extent to which two people in a relationship can bring up and resolve issues is a critical mark of the soundness of the relationship.
What is ignored tends not to be solved.
Healthy confrontations help people grow emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.
Essentials of Good Conversation: Be emotionally present. Be warm, conversational (anti-lecture), Be clear about You and I.
Be clear in your own mind what you want want ahead of time.
Speak from your need/desire.
Be humble. You cannot control the person.
Clarify the problem: its nature, effects, and your desire for change.
Keep the issues and your desires clear, and you won’t attack or diminish the relationship.
Balance grace and truth. Err on the side of grace. Show you care. “Before we get into the topic, I want you to know I really care about you and about us. I want us to be better, and i want us to be on the same team. I hope I can convey that to you even when we talk about the problem.”
People who have long standing patterns of negative behavior and attitudes have also developed character patterns that help maintain those problems. (e.g. defensiveness) They have internal resistance to seeing themselves as being wrong, flawed, or responsible.
Be prepared. Stay on task. Hear them out to a point. Make defensiveness an issue.
Affirm and validate the people you confront so that the y know they are valued.
Be on their side. Real affirmation means genuine care for the person, and your desire for things to get better. Grace before truth. Establish favor, care, and belief in the person before “facing the issue”. (e.g. I value our relationship. I am your friend and with you 100%. I need to share something with you that would make things better for me. (Face issue) So I wanted to talk about it.”) Don’t use a criticism sandwich! In good confrontation, you face it together.
Apologize for your part in the problem. Principle: When confronting, don’t do it if you owe her an apology first. (Informs that you care, are not judgmental, or win, models humility).
What is ignored tends not to be solved.
Use the formula, “When you do A, I feel B.”
Own your part of the feelings. Avoid, “You make me feel” Those are your feelings. I can’t control what you feel.
Affirm and validate the people you confront so that they know they are valued. Be on his/her side. Grace before truth.
Don’t confront someone if you owe that person an apology first.
Avoid “shoulds”. In its purest form, should isn’t a bad thing. But the word can be used to shame or control. The word ‘should’ feels very parental and judgmental to people.
Redemptive conversations: “I don’t want you to feel I’m here just to dump on you or make you feel bad. That’s not my intention at all. I want us to talk about how we can make this better, and i want to know if there’s anything i can do to help you. I’m on your team here.”
Be specific. What do you want?
Forgiveness has to do with the past. Reconciliation with the present. Trust with the future.
Good boundaries also means that you take responsibility for the good things you want to happen.
With defensiveness, remain centered on what you want, empathize, then go back to you desire. State it clearly, plainly, and don’t try to justify it.
Needs that are worth standing up/fighting for: Need for connection, freedom from control, unconditional love, equality and mutuality, physical safety, emotional and mental safety, to express talents and interests, for rest, for pleasure, for healing.
Only to the extent that someone becomes aware of the problem is she able to take responsibility for the problem!
Take a presumed innocent approach.
Find out how unaware is unaware. Some people have little self-awareness, little ability to look at themselves and perceive what they are doing or why they are doing it. Others are self-aware of faults and mistakes and self-critical, shutting people out emotionally, or to be controlling. “I want to make you aware, and this is not all of you” ground in love, and correct without self-hatred. Others may blame situation, other people and need made aware that they have difficulty being aware. You run the risk of finding yourself never able to get into the heart of that person.
Be direct. To make someone aware of a problem, the best approach is always to be loving but direct.
If one doesn’t admit problem, use specific examples (time, dates, descriptions of events, emotional feelings, impressions), and address underlying resistance.
Tell what you see the results of behavior and attitude in their own life. You care about him/her and do not want the problem to hurt his/her quality of life, goals/dreams, health, etc.
Requesting change helps clarify what is expected and gives her a structure for reestablishing any connection between you and her. A request for change is specific and preserves freedom.
Stopping a behavior: Act justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly with God.
When you prepare to confront someone’s behavior, remember it is a good thing for you to do. It is the right thing and helpful. Don’t minimize the problem. Go hard on the issue, and soft on the person.
Know when to confront and when to let go.
Three possible reactions to confrontation: You can be received well. You can face resistance, defensiveness, or opposition. You can face resistance and retaliation.
Choose the right time and place.
They are levels of faults, hurts, and transgressions. Jesus said, there are more important matters of the law, mercy, justice, and faithfulness. Make sure your reaction is the appropriate level.
Distinguish between what you prefer and what’s wrong
“Susan I want to talk to you, and I want you to hear what I have to say in the spirit in which I mean it. Some things have been concerning me about you, and I mention them in the hopes that they will help you. I am doing this for you, not to hurt you.”
There are three things on the table: you, the other person, and the issue. Speak appropriately to each one.
Listen and seek to understand. Follow up with, “What do you think about what I have said, Joe? What’s your perspective?” “What do you think about how I feel?” “I’m wondering how you see things here.”
Speak to the feelings, then return to the issue. Empathize and return.
Request specific change. Make a plan for after the conversation.
Stay in control of yourself. “I am going to be quiet here for a moment, or I need a moment to gather my thoughts.”
Stay in control of the meeting. This is your agenda, you called the meeting, stick to it.
If the person is unwilling to listen, you may have to get away from the issue, and go to greater problem, inability to solve problems or hear feedback.
Clarify and make sure THEY understand and you have an agreement
Take someone with you if needed.(Matt. 18:15-18)
Dealing with issues: Rationalization. Minimization. Blame. Denial. Projection. Multi-tasking Resister.
Dealing with resistance: Stop being surprised that she does not welcome the truth. Show grace and love. They are the most important elements. Without grace and love, it is unlikely that anything redemptive will happen in your conversation. Grace allows truth to be accepted.
Don’t react to reactions.
Things that prevent you from confronting: Beat around the bush and are not as direct as you want to be. You become too angry and argumentative instead of remaining calm and clear. You feel sorry for the person and lighten up. You’re too anxious. You become overwhelmed. You allow yourself to get sidetracked into arguments or justifying what you think/want. You fear the consequences of confrontation (rejection, disapproval, conflict) that it gets in the way of dealing with the problem.
How to get ready: Own your own failure to confront and stop playing the victim. To the extent that you allow someone to do something you resent, you are part of the problem. 2 Own your motives. Bad: desire to punish/revenge, make someone feel bad, alliance against a person, to feel power instead of powerless, desire to control and reverse roles, desire to dump pain/hurt, Good: stop a bad thing happening, end hurt, bring to light your and other’s contributions to problem, restore closeness, achieve intimacy, restores a breach in relationship, to correct wrong in relationship, to help other person see something they would do well to see, to help other person grow, to stop a destructive cycle, pattern, or behavior, to protect others from someone’s behavior, to problem solve when you are at an impasse, to voice your desires/expectations, to confess your wrong and make amends.
Own your fears: rejection, disapproval, retaliation, loss, other’s anger, hurting a person, requiring another to take responsibility, depriving someone, conflict, being mean, seen as “bad guy”, not knowing how to confront, own imperfection, being outmaneuvered, overpowered, or hurt.
Think about reasons why: Has she been hurt in past? Has she ever had anyone model for her what a good relationship looks like? Is she carrying a lot of pain? Have the ways you have responded in the past been part of the problem?
If you’re interrupted says, “Please wait until I’m finished, Then I will listen.”
March 31, 2021
I highly recommend this book to a n y o n e. This is one of the most practical books I’ve read in years. Dr. Cloud & Townsend literally give you scripts on how to have tough conversations with everyone from your adult child to your boss or employee.
This is a very empowering book. It has given me permission and equipped me well to advocate for the things I need in all areas of my life. Boundary-setting and maintenance conversations do not hold near as much anxiety as they once did.
The way the book is laid out is approachable and easy to follow. I learned so much and will definitely be going back to this book as a reference whenever I have to have “that” conversation.
This is a very empowering book. It has given me permission and equipped me well to advocate for the things I need in all areas of my life. Boundary-setting and maintenance conversations do not hold near as much anxiety as they once did.
The way the book is laid out is approachable and easy to follow. I learned so much and will definitely be going back to this book as a reference whenever I have to have “that” conversation.
March 7, 2023
“The extent to which two people in a relationship can bring up and resolve issues is a critical marker of the soundness of the relationship.”
Confrontation is necessary for any healthy relationship. And yet, most of us find confrontation so unpleasant we allow relationships to drift, degrade, and even end for want of it. If you're looking for the most tactful, likely-to-be-well-received methods for handling strife, this book just might provide you with a palatable outline.
This is the latest read in my striving toward effective communication, and it didn't disappoint.
Having read (and benefitted) from the books Boundaries and Safe People, I had a decent idea of what to expect from Dr. Cloud. A book on relationships and communication, from a Christian worldview--all conveyed with matter-of-fact and conversational prose that most will find easily accessible.
Note: I was a bit dismayed to note it's rated lower than some of his other books, but the reason for this appears to be a docking of points for the faith-based content. Which... is more than vaguely ridiculous.
The publisher is Zondervon.
The genre is Christian.
It's hardly the fault of the author or his writing that readers with religious prejudices couldn't be bothered to pay attention. :/
The faith aspect isn't forceful, but neither does the author apologize for his lens of perspective.
Much of this book can be summed up with the basic principles of Micah 6:
Do justly
Love mercy
Walk humbly
Just as with the Safe People book, Cloud encourages readers to begin by examining their own motives (and fears) rather than focusing solely on the person they feel the need to confront.
Don’t aim to win the debate – aim to nurture relationship.
Prepare to engage in a conversation rather than a lecture.
Be mindful of your body language, tone, attitude, etc.
Say "I need to talk" not "we need to talk."
Stay humble and give them the benefit of a doubt.
Strive to understand the person you are confronting.
Go hard on the issue, but soft on the person.
Allow them the grace to have feelings about being confronted.
Do NOT hold them responsible for your emotional well-being.
I appreciated the section where the author acknowledges that there are sometimes victim-mentality bullies who will always feel (or claim to feel) persecuted by honest feedback; no matter how it is presented. These people have a disconnect with reality. And they sometimes are backed up/defended by Enablers.
The book does get a bit long-winded at points. While I do appreciate examples, many didn't feel significant enough. But overall this is worthwhile--if only to skim for its problem-solving tools and tactful phraseology.
Confrontation is necessary for any healthy relationship. And yet, most of us find confrontation so unpleasant we allow relationships to drift, degrade, and even end for want of it. If you're looking for the most tactful, likely-to-be-well-received methods for handling strife, this book just might provide you with a palatable outline.
This is the latest read in my striving toward effective communication, and it didn't disappoint.
Having read (and benefitted) from the books Boundaries and Safe People, I had a decent idea of what to expect from Dr. Cloud. A book on relationships and communication, from a Christian worldview--all conveyed with matter-of-fact and conversational prose that most will find easily accessible.
Note: I was a bit dismayed to note it's rated lower than some of his other books, but the reason for this appears to be a docking of points for the faith-based content. Which... is more than vaguely ridiculous.
The publisher is Zondervon.
The genre is Christian.
It's hardly the fault of the author or his writing that readers with religious prejudices couldn't be bothered to pay attention. :/
The faith aspect isn't forceful, but neither does the author apologize for his lens of perspective.
Much of this book can be summed up with the basic principles of Micah 6:
Do justly
Love mercy
Walk humbly
Just as with the Safe People book, Cloud encourages readers to begin by examining their own motives (and fears) rather than focusing solely on the person they feel the need to confront.
Don’t aim to win the debate – aim to nurture relationship.
Prepare to engage in a conversation rather than a lecture.
Be mindful of your body language, tone, attitude, etc.
Say "I need to talk" not "we need to talk."
Stay humble and give them the benefit of a doubt.
Strive to understand the person you are confronting.
Go hard on the issue, but soft on the person.
Allow them the grace to have feelings about being confronted.
Do NOT hold them responsible for your emotional well-being.
I appreciated the section where the author acknowledges that there are sometimes victim-mentality bullies who will always feel (or claim to feel) persecuted by honest feedback; no matter how it is presented. These people have a disconnect with reality. And they sometimes are backed up/defended by Enablers.
The book does get a bit long-winded at points. While I do appreciate examples, many didn't feel significant enough. But overall this is worthwhile--if only to skim for its problem-solving tools and tactful phraseology.
March 26, 2021
Az ilyen könyvekkel az a baj, hogy az ember elolvassa őket, bőszen bólogat, hogy igen, igen, pont így kéne, majd becsukja, és csinálja ugyanúgy a dolgokat, mint addig. :D Na persze sose egy könyv váltja meg a világot (vagy változtatja meg az ember viselkedését), hanem az önismereti út, amin lehet sok-sok könyv, sok-sok önismereti csoport, sok-sok egyéni alkalom. Ilyen értelemben ez egy jó könyv, jól illeszkedhet egy ilyen útba.
Nagyon tömény, és legszívesebben mind a 300 oldalát egy az egyben átültetném a fejembe, lelkembe, hogy mostantól úgy rendezzem a konfliktusos helyzeteimet, ahogyan itt le van írva. Néha kicsit idealistának éreztem, a minta beszélgetései valóságtól elrugaszkodottak, szerintem így nem beszél élő ember. :D De a cél érdekében értem ezt is, nyilván mintát mutat, amit aztán ki-ki ízlése, személyisége szerint használhat.
Ami fura volt, hogy néha nekem az asszertív kommunikációt mintázó mondatai kifejezetten passzív-agresszívnak hatottak. Nos, ez vagy rólam szól, és érdemes lenne valami szakemberrel utána járnom, miért is éreztem így :D, vagy a fordításban torzultak így... vagy. Vagy nem tudom.
Ami még meglepett, az a vallásos felhang. Persze, nem kéne, hiszen Harmat Kiadó, de egyrészt olvastam én már ettől a kiadótól olyan könyvet, amiben ez a vonal kevésbé volt hangsúlyos, másrészt valahogy az első benyomásom alapján nem vártam ezt a kötettől, így váratlanul ért. De nem volt ez baj, vagy zavaró, nyilván azért volt szokatlan, mert amúgy nem ehhez vagyok szokva a pszichológiai szakkönyvektől. De túllendültem a Biblia idézeteken, sőt, ha valamilyen irányba kilengett a mérleg, inkább pozitív volt. Azért továbbra sem hiszem, hogy keresni fogom a vallásos színezettel átitatott pszichológiai műveket, de itt szerintem a szerzőpáros jól egyensúlyozott ebben.
A kötet végén még csoportos feldolgozásra szánt kérdések is szerepelnek, gyakorlatokkal, így válik ez a könyv abszolút gyakorlati szemléletű "kézikönyvvé", amit ajánlok mindenkinek, aki szeretné kicsit könnyebbé tenni a nehéz beszélgetéseit.
(Illetve, ami nagyon fontos üzenet, és nem lehet elégszer elmodani - a magam számára sem - a sikeres emberek - legyen az munka, párkapcsolat, szülőség, akármi - nem kerülik a konfliktusokat, hanem pontosan értik, érzik, hogy fontosak. Csak nem mindegy, hogyan kezeljük őket.)
Nagyon tömény, és legszívesebben mind a 300 oldalát egy az egyben átültetném a fejembe, lelkembe, hogy mostantól úgy rendezzem a konfliktusos helyzeteimet, ahogyan itt le van írva. Néha kicsit idealistának éreztem, a minta beszélgetései valóságtól elrugaszkodottak, szerintem így nem beszél élő ember. :D De a cél érdekében értem ezt is, nyilván mintát mutat, amit aztán ki-ki ízlése, személyisége szerint használhat.
Ami fura volt, hogy néha nekem az asszertív kommunikációt mintázó mondatai kifejezetten passzív-agresszívnak hatottak. Nos, ez vagy rólam szól, és érdemes lenne valami szakemberrel utána járnom, miért is éreztem így :D, vagy a fordításban torzultak így... vagy. Vagy nem tudom.
Ami még meglepett, az a vallásos felhang. Persze, nem kéne, hiszen Harmat Kiadó, de egyrészt olvastam én már ettől a kiadótól olyan könyvet, amiben ez a vonal kevésbé volt hangsúlyos, másrészt valahogy az első benyomásom alapján nem vártam ezt a kötettől, így váratlanul ért. De nem volt ez baj, vagy zavaró, nyilván azért volt szokatlan, mert amúgy nem ehhez vagyok szokva a pszichológiai szakkönyvektől. De túllendültem a Biblia idézeteken, sőt, ha valamilyen irányba kilengett a mérleg, inkább pozitív volt. Azért továbbra sem hiszem, hogy keresni fogom a vallásos színezettel átitatott pszichológiai műveket, de itt szerintem a szerzőpáros jól egyensúlyozott ebben.
A kötet végén még csoportos feldolgozásra szánt kérdések is szerepelnek, gyakorlatokkal, így válik ez a könyv abszolút gyakorlati szemléletű "kézikönyvvé", amit ajánlok mindenkinek, aki szeretné kicsit könnyebbé tenni a nehéz beszélgetéseit.
(Illetve, ami nagyon fontos üzenet, és nem lehet elégszer elmodani - a magam számára sem - a sikeres emberek - legyen az munka, párkapcsolat, szülőség, akármi - nem kerülik a konfliktusokat, hanem pontosan értik, érzik, hogy fontosak. Csak nem mindegy, hogyan kezeljük őket.)
August 26, 2022
Useful tips, just felt a bit estranged with all the religious references. I think the book and advice is pretty solid and could be more welcoming to people of different faits. Instead, it can provoke quite a bit of eye-rolling moments.
June 8, 2016
Ok'ish commonsense advice packaged with disgusting amount of religiuous references to god and jesus that served absolutely no purpose.
November 22, 2023
This was a great, practical guide for anyone who is struggling with the inevitable difficult conversation. The author gave real life examples of situations that require a difficult conversation. And he offers a usable script for when you need to have those conversations.
Lots of takeaways.
- Realize that difficult conversations are meant to benefit relationships
- Check yourself first to identify how you might have contributed to the situation and start the conversation with acknowledging your part
- Focus on the words you’re using. Avoid words that will put someone on the defensive and picture how you would respond to the words you’re using.
“When confronting, do not do it from a deficit balance. In other words, don’t confront someone if you owe her an apology first.”
“I don’t want you to feel I’m here just to dump on you or make you feel bad. That’s not my intention at all. I want us to talk about how we can make this better, and I want to know if there’s anything I can do to help you. I’m on your team here.”
“I don’t want you to think I’m coming at this from a ‘better than you’ place. I don’t like what you did. But I have done the same thing [or similar, or worse, or hurtful things] also. At those times what I needed was, first of all, to know that it was going to be okay, and, second, to feel as if someone wanted to help. I want you to know that this is how I feel. I want to talk about how to make it better and grow past this.”
“Before we get into the topic, I want you to know I really care about you and about us. I want us to be better, and I want us to be on the same team. I hope I can convey that to you even when we talk about the problem.” Don’t assume that she automatically knows these things. In fact, in a confrontation the other person often needs more reassurance of the grace, because the situation may access her own unloved and condemned parts.
The principle here is: Affirm and validate the people you confront so that they know they are valued.
Lots of takeaways.
- Realize that difficult conversations are meant to benefit relationships
- Check yourself first to identify how you might have contributed to the situation and start the conversation with acknowledging your part
- Focus on the words you’re using. Avoid words that will put someone on the defensive and picture how you would respond to the words you’re using.
“When confronting, do not do it from a deficit balance. In other words, don’t confront someone if you owe her an apology first.”
“I don’t want you to feel I’m here just to dump on you or make you feel bad. That’s not my intention at all. I want us to talk about how we can make this better, and I want to know if there’s anything I can do to help you. I’m on your team here.”
“I don’t want you to think I’m coming at this from a ‘better than you’ place. I don’t like what you did. But I have done the same thing [or similar, or worse, or hurtful things] also. At those times what I needed was, first of all, to know that it was going to be okay, and, second, to feel as if someone wanted to help. I want you to know that this is how I feel. I want to talk about how to make it better and grow past this.”
“Before we get into the topic, I want you to know I really care about you and about us. I want us to be better, and I want us to be on the same team. I hope I can convey that to you even when we talk about the problem.” Don’t assume that she automatically knows these things. In fact, in a confrontation the other person often needs more reassurance of the grace, because the situation may access her own unloved and condemned parts.
The principle here is: Affirm and validate the people you confront so that they know they are valued.
October 28, 2017
Successful people confront well. They know that setting healthy boundaries improves relationships and can solve important problems. They have discovered that uncomfortable situations can be avoided or resolved through direct conversation. But most of us don’t know how to have difficult conversations, and we see confrontation as scary or adversarial.
Authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend take the principles from their bestselling book, Boundaries, and apply them to a variety of the most common difficult situations and relationships in order to:
• Show how healthy confrontation can improve relationships
• Present the essentials of a good boundary-setting conversation
• Provide tips on preparing for the conversation
• Show how to tell people what you want, stop bad behavior, and deal with counterattack
• Give actual examples of conversations to have with your spouse, your date, your kids, your coworker, your parents, and more!
Full of practical tips and how-tos, this book will help you make your relationships better, deepen your intimacy with people you care for, and cultivate more love, understanding, and respect between you and others.
**
June 20, 2016
This hovered between a 1 1/2 and a two. On the one hand, it had some interesting points about setting boundaries for yourself rather than others. IE, letting someone know that for your own safety you will not tolerate certain of their behaviors. Your boundary is making the decision to terminate the relationship if the behavior doesn't change.
However, I felt like I was in kindergarten as the author's encouraged emotional discussions over factual ones. Telling someone how you feel about their drinking, for example, seems far less helpful than utilizing actual intervention practices. They also seemed to rely on the same techniques for addressing someone who is habitually late and someone who is habitually hateful. The conversations again centered around how that made the person feel, over actual consequences. IE - does their lateness cause you to miss events or is this an issue of your own (they are two minutes later than planned and you prize punctuality?)
Some good tips are offered about how to mentally prepare for a confrontation but overall a bit disappointing.
However, I felt like I was in kindergarten as the author's encouraged emotional discussions over factual ones. Telling someone how you feel about their drinking, for example, seems far less helpful than utilizing actual intervention practices. They also seemed to rely on the same techniques for addressing someone who is habitually late and someone who is habitually hateful. The conversations again centered around how that made the person feel, over actual consequences. IE - does their lateness cause you to miss events or is this an issue of your own (they are two minutes later than planned and you prize punctuality?)
Some good tips are offered about how to mentally prepare for a confrontation but overall a bit disappointing.
October 3, 2018
This advice IS given from a Christian perspective, and the bible is quoted on numerous occasions, as other reviewers mention. This initially made me hesitant to read this but, I must say, I am glad I did. For once, I felt the bible references actually supported what was being discussed in a non-fantastical way. (NOTE: I am not Christian. I respect all world views, but I don't think all moral issues should be viewed through only one lens.) All that to say, don't let this be the only reason you don't read this book. I think everyone can agree "treat people as you wish to be treated" is sound advice, regardless of who originally said it.
The advice in this book is very actionable and, if setting boundaries and confronting someone constructively in conversation is something you struggle with, extremely useful. If you are hesitant, I might suggest listening to the audiobook, which is heavily condensed to just the essential information.
The advice in this book is very actionable and, if setting boundaries and confronting someone constructively in conversation is something you struggle with, extremely useful. If you are hesitant, I might suggest listening to the audiobook, which is heavily condensed to just the essential information.
January 3, 2021
I didn't realize going in this was a book rooted so deeply in theology. I found that to be disappointing as I read. A lot of the advice and the occasional bits of psychology seem pretty good, but the authors repeatedly either try to connect them back to the Christian Bible or use the Bible as the basis for why to do something. This weakens the better ideas, and anything grounded in science or reality, in the book. As a result, I found myself tuning out large chunks and won't really have any valuable takeaways from the book. In addition, I found the book's scope to be very narrow. I wasn't looking for relationship confrontation advice, but that's essentially all it provided, with only occasional nods to other types of interpersonal communication.
February 28, 2011
Not a bad book, however, the references to religion is considerably over the top and often unnecessary. Otherwise, it is a good book that teaches you how to have a difficult and challenging conversation by understanding your own motives and intentions, preparing for emotional and negative reactions, and how to maintain the direction of the conversatoin.
I found after reading this book, my confidence in myself has increased as well as my vocabulary for expressing my wants and feelings in an articulate way that promotes understanding rather than defensiveness
I found after reading this book, my confidence in myself has increased as well as my vocabulary for expressing my wants and feelings in an articulate way that promotes understanding rather than defensiveness
December 25, 2018
The book had some nice tips but it is christian based as it had a lot of bible verses. not to say that it is not applicable to non christians, I actually loved the idea, and hoped that there might be similar books with Qur'an verses.
February 26, 2016
Too religious, what about advise for non-believers in fantasy?
March 7, 2024
Looks short, but every sentence is packed with note worthy things, making it a longer read than you may think. I definitely recommend for any person, in any stage of life.
December 19, 2024
Let's start with what is good. I appreciate that the authors give examples from their own lives in which they were in the wrong. I began reading this directly after a book where the author's arrogance dripped from every page, so this kind of humility was refreshing.
Other reviewers have mentioned Cloud & Townsend's propensity towards eisegesis... I knew from a couple other books of theirs that is the case, but it bothered me more in this one. Not everything needs an out of context verse to back it up.
Another thing that bothered me was how stilted the sample conversations sounded. Sometimes they were painful to read.
I realize the book is titled "Boundaries Face to Face", but often there's real value in having boundary conversations in writing. This is ESPECIALLY true when anxiety sufferers must confront people. The confronter will not get derailed when it's in writing. There's a record both parties can refer back to. The value of this isn't even addressed in the book.
The most concerning thing about this book is that none of these tactics work when you are dealing with an abusive person, a narcissist person, or an addict. In fact, some of the suggestions are quite DANGEROUS in those situations.
Other reviewers have mentioned Cloud & Townsend's propensity towards eisegesis... I knew from a couple other books of theirs that is the case, but it bothered me more in this one. Not everything needs an out of context verse to back it up.
Another thing that bothered me was how stilted the sample conversations sounded. Sometimes they were painful to read.
I realize the book is titled "Boundaries Face to Face", but often there's real value in having boundary conversations in writing. This is ESPECIALLY true when anxiety sufferers must confront people. The confronter will not get derailed when it's in writing. There's a record both parties can refer back to. The value of this isn't even addressed in the book.
The most concerning thing about this book is that none of these tactics work when you are dealing with an abusive person, a narcissist person, or an addict. In fact, some of the suggestions are quite DANGEROUS in those situations.
May 21, 2021
Difficult conversation with difficult people is easy when I speak truth. Then they can't reply back. If they are with a crowd or gather a crowd even then truth/being self wins. They do not listen. They don't talk to us they talk AT us. Still this book is a must read and a must reread to let go that fear of facing a person who is emotionally available.
August 9, 2025
Listening to this audiobook felt like watching a Bob Ross video 😆
July 12, 2016
I did not expect there to be so many references to God and the bible in here. Not referencing psychology, but referencing the bible weakened the book overall in my opinion. However, if you are looking for a bible based guide on how to get along with someone, you'll probably like it better.
One of the other things that bothered me was that it seems like most of the time when the authors discuss negative and hurtful people they say she. This isn't 100% but it felt like way more than half. I listened to the audiobook, so the written book might approach the subject differently. This would have been a great place to use the non-gender pronoun they.
One of the other things that bothered me was that it seems like most of the time when the authors discuss negative and hurtful people they say she. This isn't 100% but it felt like way more than half. I listened to the audiobook, so the written book might approach the subject differently. This would have been a great place to use the non-gender pronoun they.
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September 4, 2007the authors offer reasons and tips for confronting people who you need to have that difficult conversation with. their reasoning and principles are extremely sound and valuable. the tips about how to defuse the common ways people try to sidetrack these types of conversations were especially helpful. this is a message i definately needed to hear and to put into practice. if you have trouble confronting people in a loving yet firm manner--and who doesn't--then it's definately worth your while to read this book.
April 10, 2008
I have to say this is just a super book to read. I learned so so much about how to handle conflict, and talk with people. This book definitely will equip you for any confrontations and how to make that a more healthy aspect of your life rather than something that just makes your life (or other people's lives) worse.
I borrowed the book, so I took notes. And I still go back to read those notes when I feel like I want to talk to someone about a sensitive issue.
This book will definitely equip you.
I borrowed the book, so I took notes. And I still go back to read those notes when I feel like I want to talk to someone about a sensitive issue.
This book will definitely equip you.
February 11, 2015
All in all I found How To Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding... helpful and well organized. What I found annoying was the regular infusion of short, out of context biblical quotes. The content of the material covered was not particularly 'Christian', so was this just to make the book more sellable to a 'Christian' audience, or to make the prospect of confrontation more acceptable for a 'Christian'? The book can stand on its own merit. It does not need the support of scripture for validation which could make the book off putting for non-Christians.
October 12, 2018
I wish the synopsis had included how they insert biblical verses and principles to prove their points. I'm a non-believer and that tactic didn't make much sense.
I also wish the author would have addressed finding out that you're married to (or related to) a sociopath and might need to make the decision to cut ties to preserve your emotional well-being. I know I need to be more assertive (I'm half Finnish, so already very direct), but it's helpful to have instruction on realizing that your person will never see reason and in that case, it's okay to leave.
I also wish the author would have addressed finding out that you're married to (or related to) a sociopath and might need to make the decision to cut ties to preserve your emotional well-being. I know I need to be more assertive (I'm half Finnish, so already very direct), but it's helpful to have instruction on realizing that your person will never see reason and in that case, it's okay to leave.
June 17, 2020
Sometimes politics eked out in the examples or dialogue of the book that may make it more difficult to resolve to recommend this title to everyone. Some will be onboard, others will be offended. I listened to this on audio and the author often repeated, "master this section before moving on," and then well it was audio so we moved on.
There were some techniques and suggestions, though, that I think I took away in terms of conversational strategies and, really, when to walk away.
There were some techniques and suggestions, though, that I think I took away in terms of conversational strategies and, really, when to walk away.
November 23, 2024
I would say that this book has a lot of good advice. It’s a bit simplified and it makes it seem like doing the work will be easier than you expect if you follow the steps, I would say no because most people are deep in denial. But keep working on yourself. I wonder how the author would feel about people distancing themselves from people that do not respect your boundaries, dismiss feelings, and you have continual difficulties in these difficult conversations.
December 19, 2016
Great tips on productive conversations. I learned some common sense tips that I plan to incorporate in my personal and professional relationships. My only criticism was the religious references throughout the book. I respect the author's faith, but I felt the biblical quotes distracted rather than enhanced the purpose of the book.
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