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Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
In this groundbreaking book -- the first popular book on narcissism in more than a decade -- clinical social worker and psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss shows you how to cope with controlling, egotistical people who are incapable of the fundamental give-and-take that sustains healthy relationships. Exploring how individuals come to have this shortcoming, why you get drawn into their perilous orbit, and what you can do to break free, Hotchkiss describes the "Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" and their origins. You will learn to recognize these hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism -- Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation, Bad Boundaries -- and to understand the roles that parenting and culture play in their creation. Whether the narcissist in question is a coworker, spouse, parent, or child, Why Is It Always About You? provides abundant practical advice for anyone struggling to break narcissism's insidious spread to the next generation, and for anyone who encounters narcissists in everyday life.
242 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2002
411 people are currently reading
4238 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 231 reviews
November 27, 2020
Five stars for the actual content about narcissism. As someone who grew up with a narcissistic mother and has encountered narcissistic people in academia, reading the beginning and middle sections of this book felt so comforting. I appreciate Sandy Hotchkiss for putting into words the dynamics I observed in these narcissistic folks: the complete lack of empathy disguised in abundant charisma, the narcissist’s internal world of shame and how they project that onto people, and the blatant disregard of boundaries because the narcissist only views the world as serving to benefit them. Hotchkiss describes how narcissism may present in parents, coworkers, romantic partners, and children, and I imagine others who have dealt with narcissists may feel relieved to know they are not alone and that these people’s harmful behaviors can be identified and addressed.
In addition to Hotchkiss’s general description of narcissists, I like how she traced the roots of narcissism to children’s early attachment with parents. It felt fascinating and sad to see how parents or caregivers who are not attuned with their child or who do not set healthy boundaries can contribute to the development of narcissism. Hotchkiss provide specific vignettes throughout her book that help illustrate her points, which makes the psychological and interpersonal phenomena she describes more tangible. I also loved how she gives targeted, implementable action strategies to handle narcissistic people, including establishing firm boundaries, distancing oneself from the narcissist, intentionally cultivating reciprocal relationships, and more.
The only reason I deduct two stars is because Hotchkiss’s discussion of sociocultural risk factors for narcissism felt pretty icky and off base. For example, she states that millennials’ ability to speak up to their elders is symbolic of narcissism. She then states that people who push back against gun manufacturing and tobacco companies are projecting their need to be powerful against authority figures. Not gonna lie, when I read those parts I was like what the heck are you talking about?? Like, I recognize that perhaps there’s some truth in the notion that people who speak up more about social injustices may be more rebellious in general, and at the same time it feels really misguided to falsely equate narcissistic tendencies with people who use their voices to protest gun violence, racism and sexism and other oppressions, and tobacco. She also ignores how actually oppressive forces, like toxic masculinity and the power differentials created by white supremacy and capitalism, may contribute to narcissistic tendencies.
Basically, I would recommend this book to those who want to learn more about narcissism or to feel validated about the narcissistic people they’ve encountered in their own lives. Please take the societal level analysis with less than a grain of salt.
In addition to Hotchkiss’s general description of narcissists, I like how she traced the roots of narcissism to children’s early attachment with parents. It felt fascinating and sad to see how parents or caregivers who are not attuned with their child or who do not set healthy boundaries can contribute to the development of narcissism. Hotchkiss provide specific vignettes throughout her book that help illustrate her points, which makes the psychological and interpersonal phenomena she describes more tangible. I also loved how she gives targeted, implementable action strategies to handle narcissistic people, including establishing firm boundaries, distancing oneself from the narcissist, intentionally cultivating reciprocal relationships, and more.
The only reason I deduct two stars is because Hotchkiss’s discussion of sociocultural risk factors for narcissism felt pretty icky and off base. For example, she states that millennials’ ability to speak up to their elders is symbolic of narcissism. She then states that people who push back against gun manufacturing and tobacco companies are projecting their need to be powerful against authority figures. Not gonna lie, when I read those parts I was like what the heck are you talking about?? Like, I recognize that perhaps there’s some truth in the notion that people who speak up more about social injustices may be more rebellious in general, and at the same time it feels really misguided to falsely equate narcissistic tendencies with people who use their voices to protest gun violence, racism and sexism and other oppressions, and tobacco. She also ignores how actually oppressive forces, like toxic masculinity and the power differentials created by white supremacy and capitalism, may contribute to narcissistic tendencies.
Basically, I would recommend this book to those who want to learn more about narcissism or to feel validated about the narcissistic people they’ve encountered in their own lives. Please take the societal level analysis with less than a grain of salt.
June 22, 2007
The subject matter of this book is very important. Once you come to understand what defines a narcissistic human being you will realize you may have had a boss, coworker, friend, lover or family member that portrays many narcissistic character traits. Nacissists often come off as outgoing and charismatic, however do not be fooled by the web that they weave.
For me, this book helped me to find some understanding and acceptance that I WILL NOT be able to understand why these people act the way they do. Narcissism develops early in childhood and is often the by product of a narcissistic parent. The root of one's behavior is based on the idea that the person is so insecure they constantly need people around them to boost them up. This occurs by creating grandiousity (they boost you up, so you in turn boost them up)or by putting others down. You are merely an extension of a narcissists world and the moment you try to set boundaries and have an individual identity, you are no longer of use to the narcissist, and they cut you off. This is where they often portray their lack of underlying moral values. They are so concerned about their own world that they simply cannot have compassion for yours!
For me, this book helped me to find some understanding and acceptance that I WILL NOT be able to understand why these people act the way they do. Narcissism develops early in childhood and is often the by product of a narcissistic parent. The root of one's behavior is based on the idea that the person is so insecure they constantly need people around them to boost them up. This occurs by creating grandiousity (they boost you up, so you in turn boost them up)or by putting others down. You are merely an extension of a narcissists world and the moment you try to set boundaries and have an individual identity, you are no longer of use to the narcissist, and they cut you off. This is where they often portray their lack of underlying moral values. They are so concerned about their own world that they simply cannot have compassion for yours!
August 15, 2023
A very significant book that will help you identify and know how to deal with the dangerous, selfish, egotistical and toxic narcissists in your life. I read this book many years ago decided to read it again. Most people don't even know how to recognise narcissists or know that the issues in the dynamics of the relationship is not really about them but the narcissist. That's the trick you see, the narcissist makes YOU believe it's your issues, your wrong perceptions, it's crazy making behavior that can make you doubt yourself and systematically break you down.
An easy to read book and really a book that everyone can get something out of because narcissists are everywhere, it could be your spouse, your coworker, your boss, a friend, what's important is learning to recognise it early on and know how to set boundaries or disentangle yourself from the situation. Highly recommend book.
Thanks so much for reading my review of this book. Join me as a friend or follower and feel free to browse my shelves for your next great book! I love to connect with other readers.
An easy to read book and really a book that everyone can get something out of because narcissists are everywhere, it could be your spouse, your coworker, your boss, a friend, what's important is learning to recognise it early on and know how to set boundaries or disentangle yourself from the situation. Highly recommend book.
Thanks so much for reading my review of this book. Join me as a friend or follower and feel free to browse my shelves for your next great book! I love to connect with other readers.
March 26, 2010
"To do the job well, parents and caregivers need to have a realistic sense both of themselves and of the child, to be able to control their own aggressive impulses, and, most of all, to not use the child to meet their own needs" (47).
Strategies:
1. Know Yourself
2. Embrace Reality
3. Set Boundaries
4. Cultivate Reciprocal Relationships
"The issue is not whether someone is good or bad but whether you can deal with that person's particular shortcomings" (72).
"The tendency is to recreate the dramas of our earlier life in an effort to write new endings, but if we approach these reparative relationships without awareness or a firm grasp on reality, and with an inability to set limits, we are likely to have the same outcomes as before" (82).
"What kids need. . . is someone who recognizes their unique capabilities and offers encouragement and opportunities from the sidelines while they master real skills. This is quite different from wanting something specific from a child in the absence of any particular inclination or ability. It requires a kind of empathetic attunement to a particular child and his or her native abilities and personal dreams" (94).
"Anything you do to alter your mood that keeps you from addressing underlying problems could be hurting you--or someone you love--more than helping" (118).
"In order to change the way you dance with someone, you may have to sit out a few sets" (119).
[Healthy people:] "admire each other's real attributes and can tolerate their loved one's shortcomings without becoming ashamed or enraged" (122).
"Learn to master the art of non-combative firmness and bland indifference" (170).
"If we cannot tolerate our children's pain, we risk creating an unreal world of indulgence and anxious overcontrol. Not only does the child come to believe in entitlement to that unreal world, but he or she also misses opportunities to master distress" (189).
"While it is undoubtedly true that children are better off with happy parents than with unhappy ones, what is best for children is when parents find happiness in being parents" (190)--response to myth "what is good for me is good for my child."
Strategies:
1. Know Yourself
2. Embrace Reality
3. Set Boundaries
4. Cultivate Reciprocal Relationships
"The issue is not whether someone is good or bad but whether you can deal with that person's particular shortcomings" (72).
"The tendency is to recreate the dramas of our earlier life in an effort to write new endings, but if we approach these reparative relationships without awareness or a firm grasp on reality, and with an inability to set limits, we are likely to have the same outcomes as before" (82).
"What kids need. . . is someone who recognizes their unique capabilities and offers encouragement and opportunities from the sidelines while they master real skills. This is quite different from wanting something specific from a child in the absence of any particular inclination or ability. It requires a kind of empathetic attunement to a particular child and his or her native abilities and personal dreams" (94).
"Anything you do to alter your mood that keeps you from addressing underlying problems could be hurting you--or someone you love--more than helping" (118).
"In order to change the way you dance with someone, you may have to sit out a few sets" (119).
[Healthy people:] "admire each other's real attributes and can tolerate their loved one's shortcomings without becoming ashamed or enraged" (122).
"Learn to master the art of non-combative firmness and bland indifference" (170).
"If we cannot tolerate our children's pain, we risk creating an unreal world of indulgence and anxious overcontrol. Not only does the child come to believe in entitlement to that unreal world, but he or she also misses opportunities to master distress" (189).
"While it is undoubtedly true that children are better off with happy parents than with unhappy ones, what is best for children is when parents find happiness in being parents" (190)--response to myth "what is good for me is good for my child."
April 8, 2020
This was a super interesting and insightful read! Hotchkiss breaks down narcissism in very digestible, easy-to-understand terms. Narcissism is much more complex than what we typically think of- it's not just being an obnoxious egomaniac. There's manipulation involved, envy, a bypassing of shame, and so many other traits. This is a great read for anyone who's dealt with a narcissist in their life. It also looks at early childhood development to see why narcissists become narcissists, which I found fascinating. I'd definitely recommend this book!
One downside is that it was published in 2002 and now feels pretty dated. I also felt like some of the chapters were so short that they made things overly simplistic. There were also some topics I wish she'd dived deeper on. Oh well, still a great resource!
One downside is that it was published in 2002 and now feels pretty dated. I also felt like some of the chapters were so short that they made things overly simplistic. There were also some topics I wish she'd dived deeper on. Oh well, still a great resource!
January 2, 2021
I read several chapters in the beginning then skimmed much of the rest.
I am fairly new to understanding Narcissists and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Having multiple family members with this behaviors, I have unknowingly partnered with others in both personal, professional and intimate relationships and much toxicity. I've spent 18 months educating myself so that I can avoid this behavior pattern.
I highly recommend this for those wishing to understanding these behaviors so that you won't be hoovered...I wished I had found this years ago. It was a good source of information and an excellent introduction for those who don't want to be further exposed to this abuse. Please if you suspect that you are interacting with a Narc, check it out!
I am fairly new to understanding Narcissists and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Having multiple family members with this behaviors, I have unknowingly partnered with others in both personal, professional and intimate relationships and much toxicity. I've spent 18 months educating myself so that I can avoid this behavior pattern.
I highly recommend this for those wishing to understanding these behaviors so that you won't be hoovered...I wished I had found this years ago. It was a good source of information and an excellent introduction for those who don't want to be further exposed to this abuse. Please if you suspect that you are interacting with a Narc, check it out!
March 1, 2017
I re-read this book after my first read over a decade ago. At that time, it helped my recovery from a narcissistic relationship in my marriage. It helped me find sanity from behaviors I did not understand. My second read made me realize how far I have traveled on my healing journey. It also reminded me of strategies for survival with unhealthy relationships. Because there are so many narcissistic people in the world, it is a helpful and empowering read to deal with harmful relationships.
March 13, 2011
All in all, a good read. The title of the Introduction is, "They Are Everywhere!" and narcissists are! In fact we have come to live in a narcistic culture, which means that in some ways narcissiam has come to be regarded as the norm. . . God forbid! The book is divided into five parts; The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, Where Does Narcissim Come From?, Defending Your Self: Survival Strategies for a Narcissictic World, "Special People": The Narcissists in Your Life and Only You Can Prevent Narcissism.
Hotchkiss explains that there is healthy narcissism and unhealthy narcissism, teaches how to tell the difference, how we came to be a narcissistic culture, how to protect yourself against unhealthy narcissists, especially those that are in your life on a daily basis; parent, spouse, child, boss, lover, friend. Finally, she talks to us about how we can prevent the continued reign of narcissism in our families and society.
Be ready to accept your own part in allowing narcissists any role in your life. The book has a lot to say about people being responsible for their own well-being.
This is my favorite quote from the book: "In addition to love, all children need these things, from birth to emancipation: consistency, structure, good boundaries, empathic attunement, and SOMEONE TO BE AN ADULT. They need to know who is in their family and who is not, what place or places they can call home, where and when they are supposed to eat and sleep, what are the rules of conduct of the household and to whom they apply (roles and responsibilites), what belongs to them and what does not. They need to be taught what their own persosnal boundaries are, who can violate them, and under what circumstances. They need to understand also that others have personal boundaries that need to be respected. They need to know whom they can depend on to meet each of their needs: who will comfort them when they are hurt or sick or frightened, who will protect them when they are in danger, who will provide them with the necessities of life, who will teach them what they need to know to become more self-reliant. The sum total of thes "knowings" constitute the boundaries of their lives.
As parents, it is our job to set these structures in place and to maintain or alter them over time."
If people read no more than this of the book, they will have serious food for thought about how to raise healthy, well-adjusted children who will become healthy well-adjust citizens.
Hotchkiss explains that there is healthy narcissism and unhealthy narcissism, teaches how to tell the difference, how we came to be a narcissistic culture, how to protect yourself against unhealthy narcissists, especially those that are in your life on a daily basis; parent, spouse, child, boss, lover, friend. Finally, she talks to us about how we can prevent the continued reign of narcissism in our families and society.
Be ready to accept your own part in allowing narcissists any role in your life. The book has a lot to say about people being responsible for their own well-being.
This is my favorite quote from the book: "In addition to love, all children need these things, from birth to emancipation: consistency, structure, good boundaries, empathic attunement, and SOMEONE TO BE AN ADULT. They need to know who is in their family and who is not, what place or places they can call home, where and when they are supposed to eat and sleep, what are the rules of conduct of the household and to whom they apply (roles and responsibilites), what belongs to them and what does not. They need to be taught what their own persosnal boundaries are, who can violate them, and under what circumstances. They need to understand also that others have personal boundaries that need to be respected. They need to know whom they can depend on to meet each of their needs: who will comfort them when they are hurt or sick or frightened, who will protect them when they are in danger, who will provide them with the necessities of life, who will teach them what they need to know to become more self-reliant. The sum total of thes "knowings" constitute the boundaries of their lives.
As parents, it is our job to set these structures in place and to maintain or alter them over time."
If people read no more than this of the book, they will have serious food for thought about how to raise healthy, well-adjusted children who will become healthy well-adjust citizens.
April 19, 2013
This is a book I would recommend to everyone. The book is broken up into four parts. Part 1 is the Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism and a very good description of each behavior. Part 2 is devoted to the explanation of where Narcissism can come from. Part 3 is tips on how to defend yourself from each of the "sins" and ways to avoid being caught in the narcissist's web. Part 4 (and probably the most useful part) is the "Special People" section where Hotchkiss gives countless examples of narcissism in all forms, from the narcissistic child, to the narcissistic boss, loved one, family member and far beyond. Additionally, in this section Hotchkiss offers strategies from Part 3 that have been tailored to fit that specific subset of people.
The layout of this book and the progression of the information is set in a way that it repeats itself a bit but in ratchets up the learning curve with each repetition so it is not annoying or just beating the same information to death for 100+ pages. As a mental health professional I found a lot of this information to be informative despite my pre-existing body of knowledge on the subject. I feel that this is a book that can be given to anyone to help them recognize or begin to combat the narcissist already in someone's life and/or to protect one's self from being pulled in by these rather irresistible people. If you feel like you may have a narcissist on your hands, this is a MUST read!
The layout of this book and the progression of the information is set in a way that it repeats itself a bit but in ratchets up the learning curve with each repetition so it is not annoying or just beating the same information to death for 100+ pages. As a mental health professional I found a lot of this information to be informative despite my pre-existing body of knowledge on the subject. I feel that this is a book that can be given to anyone to help them recognize or begin to combat the narcissist already in someone's life and/or to protect one's self from being pulled in by these rather irresistible people. If you feel like you may have a narcissist on your hands, this is a MUST read!
February 22, 2009
Found this book to be written more like an upper level textbook for someone already well versed in sociology and psychology. The foreword indicated this was in lay person's terms. I didn't find that to be necessarily true. This book was very short (197 trade paperback pages of info, the rest was index stuff) and each chapter was equally short--sometimes too short. Felt that many chapters left more questions than answers.
The author divided the book into 5 parts:
Part I: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
- Shamelessness is throughout the entire book and seems to be key.
- Magical Thinking
- Arrogance
- Envy
- Entitlement
- Exploitation
- Bad Boundaries
-- Interesting examples for trying to establish boundaries with friends or family that exhibit narcissistic behavior. Most will prove to create hard feelings and alienation, which the author indicates in-- several places--may be the only alternative.
There's an example of a mom who threw a fit because her daughter didn't want her bridesmaid dresses in the color her mom did. The daughter rarely stood up to this overbearing, controlling and manipulative mother and this caused her mother to stop talking to her.
So, do you lay down and roll over to allow people to control every aspect of your life, or do you stand up and say, "back off" then they stop communicating altogether?
Part II: Where does Narcissism come from?
- Childhood
-- Bad parenting
-- Several places the author gives parenting "advice" on how not to create (toddlers) or contributing to (teenagers) narcissistic behavior. I had to laugh at some of the examples given for "communicating properly" with a toddler and felt the author did not have children to have written such nonsense.
-- Surviving a narcissistic parent is also mentioned, but no true "survival method" is explained. Just ability to identify and try various methods to cope (boundaries, etc and ultimately exile).
Part III: Defending Yourself...
- Most unhelpful, imo. Basically, this section (book) helped identify and categorize narcissistic individuals, but I failed to see the point in categorizing something that ultimately can't be changed. The author points out that rarely does someone exhibit full blown personality disorder on this, but many have a tendency for this or that.
However, the author points out at the end of the book that most narcissistic people will not change because they will not acknowledge they have a problem. You can't change what you don't acknowledge.
Part IV: Only you can prevent Narcissism
- The last section on becoming better parents annoyed the heck out of me.
Throughout this book the author presents a checklist of sorts for behavior(s), yet offers no information on the outcome of exhibiting those tendencies nor ways to correct.
I was very frustrated with this book and didn't care for the parental advice.
The author divided the book into 5 parts:
Part I: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
- Shamelessness is throughout the entire book and seems to be key.
- Magical Thinking
- Arrogance
- Envy
- Entitlement
- Exploitation
- Bad Boundaries
-- Interesting examples for trying to establish boundaries with friends or family that exhibit narcissistic behavior. Most will prove to create hard feelings and alienation, which the author indicates in-- several places--may be the only alternative.
There's an example of a mom who threw a fit because her daughter didn't want her bridesmaid dresses in the color her mom did. The daughter rarely stood up to this overbearing, controlling and manipulative mother and this caused her mother to stop talking to her.
So, do you lay down and roll over to allow people to control every aspect of your life, or do you stand up and say, "back off" then they stop communicating altogether?
Part II: Where does Narcissism come from?
- Childhood
-- Bad parenting
-- Several places the author gives parenting "advice" on how not to create (toddlers) or contributing to (teenagers) narcissistic behavior. I had to laugh at some of the examples given for "communicating properly" with a toddler and felt the author did not have children to have written such nonsense.
-- Surviving a narcissistic parent is also mentioned, but no true "survival method" is explained. Just ability to identify and try various methods to cope (boundaries, etc and ultimately exile).
Part III: Defending Yourself...
- Most unhelpful, imo. Basically, this section (book) helped identify and categorize narcissistic individuals, but I failed to see the point in categorizing something that ultimately can't be changed. The author points out that rarely does someone exhibit full blown personality disorder on this, but many have a tendency for this or that.
However, the author points out at the end of the book that most narcissistic people will not change because they will not acknowledge they have a problem. You can't change what you don't acknowledge.
Part IV: Only you can prevent Narcissism
- The last section on becoming better parents annoyed the heck out of me.
Throughout this book the author presents a checklist of sorts for behavior(s), yet offers no information on the outcome of exhibiting those tendencies nor ways to correct.
I was very frustrated with this book and didn't care for the parental advice.
August 13, 2017
I had high hopes but was really disappointed with this book. I have the misfortune of having at least one narcissist in the extended family, and not in a situation where ties can be feasibly severed. I was hoping for ways to make sure that my spouse and I are on the same page when dealing with this person, or how to protect ourselves from allowing them to undermine our relationship or harming our reputation in the eyes of those who encounter the narcissist more frequently than they encounter us. This book did not fit the bill. It described the narcissist, described the author's opinion of how narcissists come to be, and gave guidance in how to prevent our children from becoming overly narcissistic.
This book is written from a psychoanalytic/Freudian perspective, where unresolved conflict with your mother figure is what makes you be narcissistic or have narcissistic tendencies. It's also very wordy and full of phrases that convey no meaning or are too colloquial for even a pop psych book. It almost felt like reading a blog at times. In a couple of places, the author seemed to confuse narcissistic tendencies with sociopathic tendencies, even though there's some overlap. She posits that narcissism runs in families (a narcissistic mother will have children who are either also narcissistic or are easily victimized by narcissists) and that narcissists are drawn to each other in love connections.
I ended up skimming the last few chapters looking for useful tips, but there weren't any. Her best takeaway from the book, one that she beats like a dead horse, is to establish and enforce personal boundaries with the narcissist. If you're already in a situation with a narcissist, she doesn't give much guidance as how to gracefully but effectively disentangle yourself.
This book is written from a psychoanalytic/Freudian perspective, where unresolved conflict with your mother figure is what makes you be narcissistic or have narcissistic tendencies. It's also very wordy and full of phrases that convey no meaning or are too colloquial for even a pop psych book. It almost felt like reading a blog at times. In a couple of places, the author seemed to confuse narcissistic tendencies with sociopathic tendencies, even though there's some overlap. She posits that narcissism runs in families (a narcissistic mother will have children who are either also narcissistic or are easily victimized by narcissists) and that narcissists are drawn to each other in love connections.
I ended up skimming the last few chapters looking for useful tips, but there weren't any. Her best takeaway from the book, one that she beats like a dead horse, is to establish and enforce personal boundaries with the narcissist. If you're already in a situation with a narcissist, she doesn't give much guidance as how to gracefully but effectively disentangle yourself.
March 29, 2024
I’ve had to read this a bit at a time because the examples given were too close to home—startling and I’m still digesting the info.
Awed that people i knew and know now may fit too closely. I cant help but believe the percepts apply to some horrific examples of people ruining the population and the planet(politicians, presidents, foreign rulers, religulous demagogues, etc)
Although the author doesn’t come to such conclusions so far (haven’t finished it yet) you can’t help but put things together this way IMO.
Stereotypes get in the way of understanding as we slot square people into round categories. We all are guilty of taking shortcuts to thinking carefully rather than consider what’s going on behind anyone else’s eyes. We classify way too quickly and rarely consider what happened to create such dysfunctional people.
Does anyone want to interact with narcissistic personalities but where do you draw the line between Either /Or. Probably is it a continuum. Even so. Wow. It’s a book that those having ANY close association with children (especially teachers and family) will benefit greatly by reading if only to prevent it from happening in a child’s early years. And it’s so easy to see how even a few caring thinking kindnesses (or even one!) by a few people could have changed a lifetime of wasted lives filled with suffering. Not just the narcissist but the people surviving being hurt by them. Or not surviving!
The author might have gone too far in conclusions in a couple areas. Maybe not!
Are we willing to change our opinions and interpret preconceptions differently? i need more time to digest the big truths found in this book.
A discussion group should sponsor this subject. It’s that important.
Awed that people i knew and know now may fit too closely. I cant help but believe the percepts apply to some horrific examples of people ruining the population and the planet(politicians, presidents, foreign rulers, religulous demagogues, etc)
Although the author doesn’t come to such conclusions so far (haven’t finished it yet) you can’t help but put things together this way IMO.
Stereotypes get in the way of understanding as we slot square people into round categories. We all are guilty of taking shortcuts to thinking carefully rather than consider what’s going on behind anyone else’s eyes. We classify way too quickly and rarely consider what happened to create such dysfunctional people.
Does anyone want to interact with narcissistic personalities but where do you draw the line between Either /Or. Probably is it a continuum. Even so. Wow. It’s a book that those having ANY close association with children (especially teachers and family) will benefit greatly by reading if only to prevent it from happening in a child’s early years. And it’s so easy to see how even a few caring thinking kindnesses (or even one!) by a few people could have changed a lifetime of wasted lives filled with suffering. Not just the narcissist but the people surviving being hurt by them. Or not surviving!
The author might have gone too far in conclusions in a couple areas. Maybe not!
Are we willing to change our opinions and interpret preconceptions differently? i need more time to digest the big truths found in this book.
A discussion group should sponsor this subject. It’s that important.
October 15, 2012
I found the book to be written responsibly more to the layman's understanding with some simplification of the clinical knowledge of how the disorder is developed. This is useful because the writer places emphasis where it should be placed on the failure of proper structure,guidance,and nurturing during the developmental phase of a child and adolescent's life. Because of the pragmatic and direct approach it would allow the reader insight as to which rungs of the ladder are missing,why,and some awareness towards repair. Books of this nature are far superior to authors who vent frustrations about dealing with personality disorders because it offers some direction of recourse to both the PDI and those associated with PDI's. This book offered one of the better advisements for adult children of parents with NPD and the moral challenges they face as caretakers. Relationship dysfunctions as a result of maladaptive attachment in infancy is well explained in the chapter about love interest. Overall the book covered some important aspects.
December 14, 2010
I read this a number of years ago when interacting with a coworker who could be quite charming and funny. However, over time, I realized that she was also controlling and self-absorbed to the point of often negating me and my life. When I saw this book, I was finally able to put a name to her behavior. While I don't think that most people have full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there are, unfortunately, an awful lot of people with narcissistic behaviors, and this book is helpful in recognizing the behavior for what it is. The solution seems to be to limit or totally avoid contact with these toxic people. This is a book that many people could benefit from reading for self-reflection or in deciding how to handle these difficult relationships.
October 30, 2014
Very well written with a balance between understanding and having compassion for someone with narcissistic tendencies and practical, straight forward advice on how to continue a relationship.
Here are my notes:
More typically, the shamelessness of the Narcissit comes across as cool indifference or even amorality. We sense that these people are emotionally shallow, and we may think of them as thick-skinned, sure of themselves, and aloof. Then , all of the sudden, they may surprise us by reacting to some minor incident or social slight. When shaming sneaks past the barriers, these “shameless” ones are unmasked for what they really are- supremely shame-sensitive. That is when you will see a flash of hurt, usually followed by rage and blame. When the stink of shame has penetrated their walls, they fumigate with a vengeance. Pg. 6
The need to avoid shame at all costs creates a continuing dilemma for the Narcissist, as life has a way of regularly doling out humbling experiences that cannot be taken in stride. There is always someone who is better, brighter, more beautiful, more successful, more anything you can think of. The fact that no one is perfect is of little comfort to Narcissists, however, because they see themselves as the exception to this natural law. Their challenge is to find a way to stay pumped up inside in order to hold these hard realities at bay. The methods they typically employ involve a considerable amount of distortion and illusion, what psychologists call “magical thinking.” Pg. 7
They dont really "see" anyone else, except when a person can do something for them. . . but you will see a child like Narcissism by the way they relate to the people around them. There will be inevitable violations of boundaries. More than vanity, arrogance, self-absorption . . .this is your biggest clue to another person's narcissism. Ignore it at your own risk.
You may want to avoid the toxic environments in which Narcissist thrive and instead seek those in which differences between people are recognized and accepted, healthy boundaries are maintained and expectations are clear and realistic.
We all view life through lens of experiences but the Narcissist has something more, not just a lens but a prism that refracts and distorts incoming messages to avoid the intolerable feeling of shame. This means you are never in control of how these people perceive you or when you will be assaulted with some defensive maneuver that deflects their shame, prevents deflation or re inflates them after a narcissistic injury.
People who tolerate boundary violations are generally those who like the Narcissist, have not formed a strong sense of separate self, usually because they have been trained to accept intrusions while growing up . . .others from such backgrounds are very sensitized to those intrusions and erect rigid boundaries to protect themselves.
These are people who have difficulty trusting and allowing intimacy in close relationships. They develop an anxious, apprehensive attitude towards others, as if they expect to be violated in some way. Sometimes, however, their lack of experience with healthy boundaries makes them confused or unsure when an intrusion is occurring. (pg. 29)
If you have a parent, spouse or other significant person in your life who is an addictive or compulsive narcissist, chances are you have developed your own compulsions or addictions for dealing with the stress of this relationship. . . maybe you crave chocolate, potato chips or ice cream and have trouble controlling your weight.
Maybe you immerse yourself in the practice of your religion in order to convert the pain and emptiness of your life into something with transcendent meaning. Maybe you have to buy a new pair of shoes for every social occasion. Maybe you can't stop collecting toys, furniture, car, art or whatever you do for a hobby. Maybe you read, sew or clean compulsively to distract yourself.
You don't have to be an alcoholic or drug addict to have a problem with compulsion. Anything you do to alter your mood that keeps you from addressing underlying problems could be hurting you or someone you love.
What do you do to make bad feelings go away? Could you stop any of these behaviors if you knew they were hurting your child, spouse or best friend? What if the one being hurt was you? pg. 117-118
To become compulsive about our compulsions is to invite more shame into our lives. . . it is about establishing balance. When you stop altering your moods, you have to face the feelings that you have avoided. How well you work through those feelings will have everything to do with whether you will be able to live a life free of addictions and compulsions. That is reality. pg. 118
Guidelines for Survival
Be aware of your feelings in the company of someone who repeatedly evokes shame, discomfort, anger . . . these feelings can be excellent indicators that you are in the presence of a Narcissist. Once you have recognized whom you are dealing with, you will be in a better position to defend yourself.
When you have uncomfortable or intense feelings in the presence of a Narcissist, ask yourself what buttons of yours are being pushed. Why do you respond the way you do?
Think about how your feelings help the narcissist manage shame in some way. Try not to personalize what is happening. Although it couldnt feel more personal, it really is not. You are just a means to an end.
You need to find a way to detach from the feelings the Narcissist evokes in you. Sometimes it helps to think of this person as being 2 years old on the inside.
When deflecting the shame projected by the Narcissist, resist the urge to retaliate. The Narcissist has a lot at stake in keeping unconscious processes unconscious. Dont try to challenge or enlighten this person either. . . if you try to tamper with this, you may escalate the situation to your own detriment or discomfort.
It needs to be enough for you to know that you have to put the projections back where they belong in your own mind, regardless of how the Narcissist sees the situation.
Learn to accept that if a narcissist lies, cheats, disrespects or hurts others, betrays confidences, take advantage or shows lack of compassion, sooner or later you can expect to be on the receiving end of that same behavior.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking that something special about your relationship will spare you.
Don't go into a relationship with a Narcissist thinking you are going to change that person, or they will change their feelings because of you. Although people do sometimes change as a result of experiences in relationships, this requires something that the Narcissists lack, the capacity to respond to compassion with compassion.
When setting boundaries, be prepared for changes in the relationship other than the ones you are requesting. The Narcissist must find some way to cope with the face that you are taking control of your own life, as this very well may upset his internal equilibrium. There may be testing of you in other aspects of the relationship to see how far you are willing to go to create separateness and "be your own person."
There may be distancing from you and redirection of control elsewhere. There may be manipulation, coercion, or efforts to seduce you into rescinding the boundaries and restoring the power this person had over you. . .Take it slowly, think about what you are feeling and what is happening, and plan your responses carefully. Try not to fall into old traps.
Do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and know that you have a right to do this. Then whatever you decide to do, do it as non defensively as you can.
Find a way to distance yourself from the emotional "hooks." For example, view criticism as "help" and respond as if the person is offering help. Even though you know it isn't help, your ability to respond this way meets her need to feel important but you are in control. Putting a stop not to her behavior but to your experience of it. pg. 169
You can try to ask them to refrain from certain behavior while in your presence, but this may not work. What is valuable about asserting yourself in this way, is not so much your effectiveness in getting them to change as the experience of standing up for yourself even if your wishes are ignored. Calming tell what you are prepared to do if you are not respected. pg.170
If you are able to make peace with your narcissist, to give without feeling taken advantage of, to love even though you may receive little in return, to accept what never was and can never be, you will be free to search elsewhere for the reciprocity you deserve. pg. 171
Here are my notes:
More typically, the shamelessness of the Narcissit comes across as cool indifference or even amorality. We sense that these people are emotionally shallow, and we may think of them as thick-skinned, sure of themselves, and aloof. Then , all of the sudden, they may surprise us by reacting to some minor incident or social slight. When shaming sneaks past the barriers, these “shameless” ones are unmasked for what they really are- supremely shame-sensitive. That is when you will see a flash of hurt, usually followed by rage and blame. When the stink of shame has penetrated their walls, they fumigate with a vengeance. Pg. 6
The need to avoid shame at all costs creates a continuing dilemma for the Narcissist, as life has a way of regularly doling out humbling experiences that cannot be taken in stride. There is always someone who is better, brighter, more beautiful, more successful, more anything you can think of. The fact that no one is perfect is of little comfort to Narcissists, however, because they see themselves as the exception to this natural law. Their challenge is to find a way to stay pumped up inside in order to hold these hard realities at bay. The methods they typically employ involve a considerable amount of distortion and illusion, what psychologists call “magical thinking.” Pg. 7
They dont really "see" anyone else, except when a person can do something for them. . . but you will see a child like Narcissism by the way they relate to the people around them. There will be inevitable violations of boundaries. More than vanity, arrogance, self-absorption . . .this is your biggest clue to another person's narcissism. Ignore it at your own risk.
You may want to avoid the toxic environments in which Narcissist thrive and instead seek those in which differences between people are recognized and accepted, healthy boundaries are maintained and expectations are clear and realistic.
We all view life through lens of experiences but the Narcissist has something more, not just a lens but a prism that refracts and distorts incoming messages to avoid the intolerable feeling of shame. This means you are never in control of how these people perceive you or when you will be assaulted with some defensive maneuver that deflects their shame, prevents deflation or re inflates them after a narcissistic injury.
People who tolerate boundary violations are generally those who like the Narcissist, have not formed a strong sense of separate self, usually because they have been trained to accept intrusions while growing up . . .others from such backgrounds are very sensitized to those intrusions and erect rigid boundaries to protect themselves.
These are people who have difficulty trusting and allowing intimacy in close relationships. They develop an anxious, apprehensive attitude towards others, as if they expect to be violated in some way. Sometimes, however, their lack of experience with healthy boundaries makes them confused or unsure when an intrusion is occurring. (pg. 29)
If you have a parent, spouse or other significant person in your life who is an addictive or compulsive narcissist, chances are you have developed your own compulsions or addictions for dealing with the stress of this relationship. . . maybe you crave chocolate, potato chips or ice cream and have trouble controlling your weight.
Maybe you immerse yourself in the practice of your religion in order to convert the pain and emptiness of your life into something with transcendent meaning. Maybe you have to buy a new pair of shoes for every social occasion. Maybe you can't stop collecting toys, furniture, car, art or whatever you do for a hobby. Maybe you read, sew or clean compulsively to distract yourself.
You don't have to be an alcoholic or drug addict to have a problem with compulsion. Anything you do to alter your mood that keeps you from addressing underlying problems could be hurting you or someone you love.
What do you do to make bad feelings go away? Could you stop any of these behaviors if you knew they were hurting your child, spouse or best friend? What if the one being hurt was you? pg. 117-118
To become compulsive about our compulsions is to invite more shame into our lives. . . it is about establishing balance. When you stop altering your moods, you have to face the feelings that you have avoided. How well you work through those feelings will have everything to do with whether you will be able to live a life free of addictions and compulsions. That is reality. pg. 118
Guidelines for Survival
Be aware of your feelings in the company of someone who repeatedly evokes shame, discomfort, anger . . . these feelings can be excellent indicators that you are in the presence of a Narcissist. Once you have recognized whom you are dealing with, you will be in a better position to defend yourself.
When you have uncomfortable or intense feelings in the presence of a Narcissist, ask yourself what buttons of yours are being pushed. Why do you respond the way you do?
Think about how your feelings help the narcissist manage shame in some way. Try not to personalize what is happening. Although it couldnt feel more personal, it really is not. You are just a means to an end.
You need to find a way to detach from the feelings the Narcissist evokes in you. Sometimes it helps to think of this person as being 2 years old on the inside.
When deflecting the shame projected by the Narcissist, resist the urge to retaliate. The Narcissist has a lot at stake in keeping unconscious processes unconscious. Dont try to challenge or enlighten this person either. . . if you try to tamper with this, you may escalate the situation to your own detriment or discomfort.
It needs to be enough for you to know that you have to put the projections back where they belong in your own mind, regardless of how the Narcissist sees the situation.
Learn to accept that if a narcissist lies, cheats, disrespects or hurts others, betrays confidences, take advantage or shows lack of compassion, sooner or later you can expect to be on the receiving end of that same behavior.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking that something special about your relationship will spare you.
Don't go into a relationship with a Narcissist thinking you are going to change that person, or they will change their feelings because of you. Although people do sometimes change as a result of experiences in relationships, this requires something that the Narcissists lack, the capacity to respond to compassion with compassion.
When setting boundaries, be prepared for changes in the relationship other than the ones you are requesting. The Narcissist must find some way to cope with the face that you are taking control of your own life, as this very well may upset his internal equilibrium. There may be testing of you in other aspects of the relationship to see how far you are willing to go to create separateness and "be your own person."
There may be distancing from you and redirection of control elsewhere. There may be manipulation, coercion, or efforts to seduce you into rescinding the boundaries and restoring the power this person had over you. . .Take it slowly, think about what you are feeling and what is happening, and plan your responses carefully. Try not to fall into old traps.
Do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and know that you have a right to do this. Then whatever you decide to do, do it as non defensively as you can.
Find a way to distance yourself from the emotional "hooks." For example, view criticism as "help" and respond as if the person is offering help. Even though you know it isn't help, your ability to respond this way meets her need to feel important but you are in control. Putting a stop not to her behavior but to your experience of it. pg. 169
You can try to ask them to refrain from certain behavior while in your presence, but this may not work. What is valuable about asserting yourself in this way, is not so much your effectiveness in getting them to change as the experience of standing up for yourself even if your wishes are ignored. Calming tell what you are prepared to do if you are not respected. pg.170
If you are able to make peace with your narcissist, to give without feeling taken advantage of, to love even though you may receive little in return, to accept what never was and can never be, you will be free to search elsewhere for the reciprocity you deserve. pg. 171
May 25, 2020
Skimmed over parts that were less relevant to me, but found the rest of the book very detailed and informative.
September 5, 2017
Eye opening, often disheartening, frequently confronting but ultimately encouraging. The book identifies behaviors and gives strategies for working/living with and around people who behave with maladaptive narcissistic tendencies - both the obvious, aggressive types and the quieter, more insidious ones. Author noted that we all behave or have a tendency toward such behaviors from time to time - no one is perfect. It was enlightening to see and acknowledge my own forms of unhealthy coping mechanism. I believe all my relationships, including the one with myself, will benefit from what I learned here.
June 30, 2012
I have a hard time with those who relate everything to Freudian views of childhood. Too much of that here.
Also, too much on how someone becomes Narcissistic and not much on anything else. I must confess I ended up skimming after I hit Freud that second time.
Also, too much on how someone becomes Narcissistic and not much on anything else. I must confess I ended up skimming after I hit Freud that second time.
August 28, 2016
I did not find it especially groundbreaking. The insights into how people come to have this personality disorder is interesting. However, the advice given on how to deal with them amount to:
1. Placate them and don't tick them off.
2. Get them out of your life.
It is common sense really.
1. Placate them and don't tick them off.
2. Get them out of your life.
It is common sense really.
December 7, 2014
I found a squashed bug in this book.
How appropriate.
How appropriate.
December 20, 2022
Shoutout to all of those capable of writing on the topic of Narcissism!
I read this book in part to learn more about the subject, in general, as well as for my own therapy post-narcissistic relationship.
I had to borrow this twice to get through it, because it's not a fun read or a light read. There were times that I didn't think I could actually finish, but I'm glad I did.
This title does a wonderful job of reinforcing effective steps for dealing with narcissists and confronting narcissism, in addition to pointing out the 7 deadly sins. "Knowing yourself, embracing reality, setting boundaries, and cultivating reciprocal relationships" are healthy coping mechanism to have in life, in general. Mastering these skills in the case of dealing with narcissists is ABSOLUTELY necessary for maintaining your own sanity and sense of self and self-worth when dealing with narcs and they can even end up saving your life.
Each time I thought I might not be able to get through the content in this book, I wound up learning something new and useful. I say that again, because narcs are extremely difficult people and dealing with them can seem like endless webs that leave one feeling drained, confused, gaslit, helpless - nothing good. It's worse because many times it's the most caring and giving people who have to deal with them. I cringe reading about the hoops you have to try and jump through just to make it through a narc encounter.
At any rate, I learned that I am a "Psuedomature child" or "one who seems to have skipped right over childhood. . ." one who ". . .essentially raised herself while trying to meet nearly impossible parental demands." As a result, I am - unfortunately - "emotionally fragile, preoccupied with needing to be the best, hate asking for help," and currently working my hardest not to continue my life as an emotional wreck. I've also learned tips for working for narcs and I honestly felt really good reading the last chapter on parenting even though I don't have any children.
I would absolutely recommend this title to anyone interested in learning more on the subject, as well as those who might be aware of their relationship with a narcissist(s), in their lives.
I read this book in part to learn more about the subject, in general, as well as for my own therapy post-narcissistic relationship.
I had to borrow this twice to get through it, because it's not a fun read or a light read. There were times that I didn't think I could actually finish, but I'm glad I did.
This title does a wonderful job of reinforcing effective steps for dealing with narcissists and confronting narcissism, in addition to pointing out the 7 deadly sins. "Knowing yourself, embracing reality, setting boundaries, and cultivating reciprocal relationships" are healthy coping mechanism to have in life, in general. Mastering these skills in the case of dealing with narcissists is ABSOLUTELY necessary for maintaining your own sanity and sense of self and self-worth when dealing with narcs and they can even end up saving your life.
Each time I thought I might not be able to get through the content in this book, I wound up learning something new and useful. I say that again, because narcs are extremely difficult people and dealing with them can seem like endless webs that leave one feeling drained, confused, gaslit, helpless - nothing good. It's worse because many times it's the most caring and giving people who have to deal with them. I cringe reading about the hoops you have to try and jump through just to make it through a narc encounter.
At any rate, I learned that I am a "Psuedomature child" or "one who seems to have skipped right over childhood. . ." one who ". . .essentially raised herself while trying to meet nearly impossible parental demands." As a result, I am - unfortunately - "emotionally fragile, preoccupied with needing to be the best, hate asking for help," and currently working my hardest not to continue my life as an emotional wreck. I've also learned tips for working for narcs and I honestly felt really good reading the last chapter on parenting even though I don't have any children.
I would absolutely recommend this title to anyone interested in learning more on the subject, as well as those who might be aware of their relationship with a narcissist(s), in their lives.
December 23, 2021
Segundo libro que leo sobre el narcisismo después de El narcisismo: La enfermedad de nuestro tiempo de Alexander Lower y me ha gustado más.
Una persona narcisista sería resumiendo, aquella que vive a través de una imagen irreal de sí misma, que oculta y no deja aflorar su verdadero ser, sentimientos y formas de comportarse. Y para eso utiliza un montón de estrategias, que suelen ser incompatibles con tener relaciones sanas con otras personas. Lo que da un poco de yuyu, en según qué casos.
Me agrada el libro porque propone maneras para identificar comportamientos y estrategias para poder enfrentarlos en situaciones diversas, con la familia, en el trabajo, pareja. Bastante útil en esa parte aunque casi que el consejo es: corre sin mirar atrás. XDDDD
A nivel social, coincide esta autora con Lower, en que vivimos en una sociedad que enaltece los valores narcisistas, falta de autoridad, mi-me-yo-conmigo por encima de todo -incluso de la realidad-, vivir en lo que parece, no en lo que es, relativismo moral, cultura low-cost, bombardeo de representaciones vacías... cosas, que vuelven a dar un yu-yu que te mueres.
Así que eso, recomiendo su lectura para aprender a identificarlos; y si tienes estima a tu vida salir corriendo en dirección opuesta si te encuentras con alguien así.
Suerte.
Chis-pum!
PD: Probablemente todas tengamos un rasgo aquí y allí, así que ánimo!!
Una persona narcisista sería resumiendo, aquella que vive a través de una imagen irreal de sí misma, que oculta y no deja aflorar su verdadero ser, sentimientos y formas de comportarse. Y para eso utiliza un montón de estrategias, que suelen ser incompatibles con tener relaciones sanas con otras personas. Lo que da un poco de yuyu, en según qué casos.
Me agrada el libro porque propone maneras para identificar comportamientos y estrategias para poder enfrentarlos en situaciones diversas, con la familia, en el trabajo, pareja. Bastante útil en esa parte aunque casi que el consejo es: corre sin mirar atrás. XDDDD
A nivel social, coincide esta autora con Lower, en que vivimos en una sociedad que enaltece los valores narcisistas, falta de autoridad, mi-me-yo-conmigo por encima de todo -incluso de la realidad-, vivir en lo que parece, no en lo que es, relativismo moral, cultura low-cost, bombardeo de representaciones vacías... cosas, que vuelven a dar un yu-yu que te mueres.
Así que eso, recomiendo su lectura para aprender a identificarlos; y si tienes estima a tu vida salir corriendo en dirección opuesta si te encuentras con alguien así.
Suerte.
Chis-pum!
PD: Probablemente todas tengamos un rasgo aquí y allí, así que ánimo!!
November 25, 2023
I read this to try and understand my ex daughter in law and how she treats her children, her ex husband (my son) me, and everyone around her who doesn’t treat her like the world revolves around her. I am glad they are divorced, but fear her influence on my grandchildren. One is already clearly a control freak.
Thankfully my son has more custody.
I will never be able to understand her, but I continue to hope she gets help.
Thankfully my son has more custody.
I will never be able to understand her, but I continue to hope she gets help.
August 9, 2023
I listened to this as an audiobook. While the tone of the narration wasn’t the most engaging, the content is well structured and well presented for someone new to this area of study. The book presented findings and research with relevant examples with clear tactics and strategies for combatting narcissism and narcissists in daily life from love to work to family. Straightforward and practical, I would recommend this book for anyone interested in an overview on narcissism and how it impacts the world we live in.
July 14, 2015
Three plus family members are reading this book in hopes of gathering some insight into the behaviors of another family member. I don't know what I was expecting, but "Why Is It Always About You?", seems weak and not particularly helpful. I'm sure Sandy Hotchkiss wrote with good intentions, yet I found no bibliography to support her theories that she presents as fact; specifically, that the primary caregiver, in most cases 'Mother' is to blame for raising a narcissist due to 'Mother's' inconsistent parenting and because mom is a narcissist herself. Poor mom, she's been blamed for everything.
Besides the absence of references to her sources of information, I found the book ambiguous as to healthy narcissism, unhealthy narcissism and plain ol' narcissism. She does a pretty good job of describing the behaviors of a narcissist. But, again theory is passed off as fact as to why.
This book is definitely for a layperson and very much over simplifies the possible roots of narcissism as well as the best possible ways to deal with the narcissist in your life.
Good Luck.
Besides the absence of references to her sources of information, I found the book ambiguous as to healthy narcissism, unhealthy narcissism and plain ol' narcissism. She does a pretty good job of describing the behaviors of a narcissist. But, again theory is passed off as fact as to why.
This book is definitely for a layperson and very much over simplifies the possible roots of narcissism as well as the best possible ways to deal with the narcissist in your life.
Good Luck.
September 21, 2013
This book opens reasonably well in terms of how to recognise narcissistic traits, and that was useful. Part 2 will have you examining your own behaviour for the same traits, particularly if you are reading because you have a narcissistic parent or child you're trying to understand. Be prepared, it may upset and worry you, so ensure you have someone to talk to. Part 3's survival strategies are ok as far as they go but would have benefited from more practical techniques for use "in the moment", and for when you can't simply cut that person out of your life. The final two sections are weakest, unfortunately, and contain a number of personal hobbyhorses and opinions rather than evidence.
For me it's a springboard book - now I understand the traits better and can identify some of the reasons they develop, but I'm still at a loss as to how to protect myself and others whilst rooting out the influences from my own behaviour. I will continue to look for something more practical.
For me it's a springboard book - now I understand the traits better and can identify some of the reasons they develop, but I'm still at a loss as to how to protect myself and others whilst rooting out the influences from my own behaviour. I will continue to look for something more practical.
February 25, 2014
Irvin D. Yalom’un okuduğum 2 kitabından aldığım lezzeti alamasam da bu kitabı okuyarak zaman kaybettiğimi düşünmüyorum. Örnek hikayeleri hem sayıca hem de nitelik olarak çok güçlü bulmadım. Kitabı çok daha iyi anlayabilmek için, öncesinde, en azından psikolojiye giriş anlamında genel çerçeveli bir kitap okumakta fayda var. Ne de olsa pek çok alanda olduğu gibi psikolojide de kullanılan kavramların içinin boşaltılarak ya da kasten çarpıtılarak bizlere sunulması gibi bir tehlike ile karşı karşıyayız. Bu tehlikelere maruz kalan kişiler olarak kitaptaki bazı terimleri anlamakta zorluk çekebiliriz.İnsan okuyunca, dünyamızın duygusal anlamda da ne kadar kirlendiğini, çöplüğe döndüğünü çok iyi anlıyor. Kitabın özellikle “İş yerindeki Narsistler : Gücün Kötüye Kullanımı”, “Narsistik Toplum” ve “Daha İyi Ebeveynler Olmak” başlıklı bölümleri bu gerçeği görmemizi çok iyi sağlıyor. Aynada kendisini bir arslan olarak gören kediyi fotoğraflayan kapak da oldukça yakışmış bu kitaba bence.
November 11, 2013
A good introduction to narcissism. I liked the parts about how to raise healthy children and examples of what not to do.
The author gives the advice to re-label intrusive words or actions of the narcissist as helpful or caring. I guess I could see how this would work if you 1. Came from a healthy family &have good self esteem 2. Understand that the narcissist is not actually helpful or caring 3. Need a way to cope with keeping this narcissist in your life. But really the take home message is narcissists can't change because they do not believe anything is wrong with them. If you stay in their life and try to fool yourself that they care then you are only hurting yourself.
The author gives the advice to re-label intrusive words or actions of the narcissist as helpful or caring. I guess I could see how this would work if you 1. Came from a healthy family &have good self esteem 2. Understand that the narcissist is not actually helpful or caring 3. Need a way to cope with keeping this narcissist in your life. But really the take home message is narcissists can't change because they do not believe anything is wrong with them. If you stay in their life and try to fool yourself that they care then you are only hurting yourself.
March 18, 2017
In an era where it's pretty safe to say we're all on the narcissism spectrum, I think this is a must-read. You get the succinct rundown of seven character flaws seen in extreme narcissists, and ones that will resonate with even the more selfless individuals. Who among us has never been, at one time
--shameless
--guilty of magical thinking
--arrogant
--envious
--entitled
--exploitative
--prone to bad boundaries?
Good anecdotes to illustrate the tendencies, and also some strategies to handle the narcissists in your life. They are not always so easy to spot. They come in many forms, and you may be deep in a relationship with one before you realize it. A helpful guide.
--shameless
--guilty of magical thinking
--arrogant
--envious
--entitled
--exploitative
--prone to bad boundaries?
Good anecdotes to illustrate the tendencies, and also some strategies to handle the narcissists in your life. They are not always so easy to spot. They come in many forms, and you may be deep in a relationship with one before you realize it. A helpful guide.
August 30, 2017
Dit boek was een eye opener: het vertelt hoe narcisme ontstaat, waarom mensen op narcisten vallen, hoe het je kapot maakt en leegtrekt en vooral: hoe dit te voorkomen en/of ermee om te gaan allerlei relationele situaties bijv ouder/kind, werkvloer, enz. Goed te lezen voor iedereen die er iets van wil weten, ook om je eigen narcistische trekjes te ontdekken en te weten wat gezond is en wat niet. Leerzaam!
How to deal with narcissim:
1. Know yourself
2. Embrace reality
3. Set boundaries
4. Cultivate reciprocal relationships
How to deal with narcissim:
1. Know yourself
2. Embrace reality
3. Set boundaries
4. Cultivate reciprocal relationships
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