It has been awhile since I first read The Ceremonies by T.E.D. Klein.
I remember adoring this book as a little pumpkin seed; finding it at a small store in cottage country, loving the cover art and consuming the whole novel over a rainy afternoon.
It was an instant favourite.
But over time a lot of your favourite stories lose a little something.
When you're younger, everything you read feels fresh. Much like one of the characters in this novel, you are touched for the very first time. But you can only be touched for the first time, once. When you get older, the same tricks just don't create the same razzle-dazzle effect. You don't get the starry eyes of your youth. A lot of novels just don't have enough magic to crack through your crusty wall of cynicism and reach the juicy empathy berries within.
To my surprise, while re-reading T.E.D. Klein's Ceremonies not only did it reach my juicy empathy berries, it squeezed those berries so hard they became a rich dark wine.
I felt the spirit of Orson Welles hovering around my head on gentle cherubic wings, desperate to do a commercial about the delicious nectar pouring out of my soul.
"Aaaaaaah, the French champagne!"
In other words: The Ceremonies is really good. I think it's even better than I remembered. Maybe (dare I say it), a classic? A masterpiece of modern horror?
Perhaps! You decide.
Actually, no.
This is my book review.
I decide!
So yes, it is a masterpiece. Harold Bloom can shake his fist at me from the afterlife! I'm killing literature, baby! Try and stop me!
The Ceremonies was originally released in the horror novel boom of the 1980s. Written by T.E.D. Klein (one of his few finished works) The Ceremonies joined a legion of putrid paperback princesses that flooded book stores with a tsunami wave of ghosts, bloodbaths and beasties. Many of these books were wretched, others were pretty good, a scant few were buried gems.
The Ceremonies is one such gem.
It's a slow-burn Gothic horror novel set (mostly) in rural America and features an out of shape city slicker renting a renovated chicken coop on a young couple's farm. The couple are deeply in debt, possessing many cats (including a big jerk cat) and they're in the middle of a tough harvest. The couple also belongs to a hardcore, xenophobic, religious community and don't want to see any frisky shenanigans happening on their property. The city guy assures them he's just there to chew bubblegum and read Gothic horror and he's all out of bubblegum. However, dark forces in the universe have other plans, as the romantic interest of the city-fella is drawn to the small community and comes to visit her blushing, dad-bod beau. What's the worst that could happen?
Well, yeah.
Ceremonies features love triangles and awkward romances, sexual fantasies, naked fat guys climbing trees, weird magical trips to Cony Island, the battle between good and evil and fundamentalist weirdos enjoying bread a bit too much. It also has a sweet little old man who wants to set up a pretty librarian with a giant kinky tentacle monster straight out of Urotsukidōji.
Is it actually a ritual to bring about the end of the world? Or is it a fetish?
Only the great lord Cthulhu knows for sure.
What's that? You need more? .
How about a killer grumpy cat possessed by demons? Check.
A mystical religious grandma out to thwart the plans of Satan? Check!
Heaving bosoms
Sexy farmers
Slipped panties
Monster babies
Serial killing
Inappropriate Hymn singing
Demonic library children
Scary flowers
Angry critiques of Bram Stoker's Lair of the White Worm
The horrific origins of Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
Home renovation
Roommate massacres
Weird plant growths
Killer bugs
Forbidden fruit
Hidden bodies
And much more!!!
All this in one novel for the super low price of 19.99? That's cheaper than a meal at most fast food joints.
Has T.E.D. Klein gone mad?!
Probably!
The Ceremonies joins the illustrious tradition of horror classics, where the elder gods from beyond space and time are awakening from their antediluvian slumber. And they are horny! They're hot to trot! Or the octopus equivalent (steaming to squish?) And only one thing is on the sexual menu: human virgins!
That's right kids. Nyarlathotep has got a bad case of the morning wood and only a red-head, virgin, librarian raised by nuns and wearing white silk panties can appease him!
Hey. We've all been there. The heart wants what the heart wants.
I affectionately call this sub-genre: "The monsters are comin' fer our women!" Where horror baddies take the role of the "outsider" coming to poison the protected culture via sexual seduction, or just outright force. A stereotypical fear of most insular communities (especially regressive, Puritan ones) that usually leads to sexual panic.
The difference in The Ceremonies is that the triangle of men looking to get their claws into the poor virginal lass, are all slime-balls. In most of this fiction, the men trying to 'protect their women' are seen as honest, kind and moral to the point of absurdity. Almost Captain America types who only descend into cruelty when something truly awful happens.
In The Ceremonies each of the primary male figures are noticeably flawed, selfish and myopic. The main character is so myopic he can barely see around his own petty desires, even when they clearly endanger him. He is consumed by his wants and that becomes recognisable in his health. He physically embodies his personal failures. Meanwhile the righteous fundamentalist Christian man is wildly insecure and afraid of his attractive wife. And he's lustful towards the virgin and wants to control her. And he's also resentful and paranoid about his mother and eager to please a religious group who encourage physical abuse as a way to iron out differences in a relationship. In comparison to those two it's almost easy to forget the villain is the villain.
Each individual character becomes a mirror image of the other man's ambitions and short-comings. In one particular scene the main protagonist gets close to crossing a line with the virgin and is actually stopped by the antagonist (who wants the girl for himself). In the context of the scene, neither man really cares about the girl or her feelings. They both want to use her at the expense of her emotions. They both view the woman as an object to be won and in either case as a symbolic prize as much as a physical prize. This scene is meant to draw a parallel between the protagonist and the antagonist and soon that connection also links to the religious man. The three primary male characters of the story become a sort of sexual Ouroboros, the serpent swallowing its own tail. Wanting and desiring the woman as a key to bring about their ideal world, and trying to sabotage each other's goals at the same time. Not so much a triangle, as a circle fighting itself. And the entire struggle, the whole game is just pieces of a bigger and more elaborate evil design.
So much of The Ceremonies rests on this point.
This isn't even subtext in the novel, the whole book is about how the worst evils are baked right into the system. They don't come from the media or conspiracies or evil cults. They're just so omnipresent, they exist everywhere in the media and will inevitably spring up in everything. From cynical city intellectuals to religious fanatics. From kid's childish games to ancient rituals. The villain points out in one scene that's it not some ancient, hidden tome or Grimoire that has the spells to bring back the old gods. There's no Necronomicon. The real magic is everywhere. It's in poetry and popular novels and lyrics and board games and art. Not messages spoken backwards in Sumerian.
Just the right story read at the right place at the right time to the right person. And BINGO, everybody's naked and doing interpretive dances for Azathoth.
In the context of a story where a young woman is being targeted by exploitative creeps for their own ends The Ceremonies is clearly using that dynamic as way to confront a sort of inherent corruption. Either the protagonist or his rival the Christian fundamentalist could easily take the role of the villain. And the antagonist sees them both in that light and states it as a fact. Outright. It's not subtext. It's text.
And if that was the only thing about The Ceremonies that was interesting, it'd be an amazing book that's kinda ahead of its time.
But what really stands out about The Ceremonies is that it's one of the best plotted novels I've ever read.
The Ceremonies gets bigger and crazier and more elaborate and detailed as it reaches its final chapters. But it also gets tighter and better scripted.
It's so damn slick.
The author always revolves the events around the characters, not the other way around. Characters where you never expect to see anything but surface-level motivations get depth. Not just through dialog, but through mythos.
The author lets characters be real and sets that reality at the centre of the story. Everything else orbits around it. He lets them be unlikable. Especially the protagonist. It's not just 80s "boys will be boys". This guy can be trash. But T.E.D adds dimension and gravitas to him. So you still care about the protagonist. You got all these conflicting emotions about him, even as the story reaches its conclusion.
The virginal librarian is way more complex than 99% of the stereotype. She's not up on a pedestal, despite every character trying to put her there. You feel her inner conflict over all of her relationships. How she connects to each of the primary male characters and why she feels isolated from them. T.E.D builds a solid bond between the girl and the main villain that is at once warm and comfortable and creepy as hell.
The author gives complex emotions and personality to the typical religious fundamentalist stereotype. He lets you see their motivations and what drives them. He doesn't let them ever be "just dumb rednecks". And it builds a genuine connection between the small insular culture and the audience. You don't like everything about these people (some things you will absolutely hate), but in the finale you're afraid for them. They're not just a crazed mob. You don't want to see them get hurt.
This even applies to the evil cultist trying to bring the world to an end. You can see and appreciate his cunning without justifying it. The villain is the biggest manipulator in the book, but in a way, he's also the most honest because unlike the other characters, he's honest with himself. It's refreshing. It's a delightful bit of writing, because the villain slips from being really upbeat and interesting, where you actually hope he shows up in a chapter, to being unbelievably disgusting. Like raising more red flags than Stalin. And that transition can happen in a smirk.
This focus on the characters is what makes The Ceremonies so damn compelling. It can be full of digressions, but they're always relevant to the overall plot. The mythos is built around the characters so every-time it is expanded, it adds to the characters, instead of distracting you from them. It makes the story feel richer, bigger, instead of making the novel feel like it's spinning its wheels in exposition to fill up pages.
The Ceremonies is a big book full of tons of ideas that works up slowly to a horror apocalypse. But it's never boring.
This book has realistic concepts (long-distance relationships, difficulty paying rent, etc) absurd concepts (cat from hell) and brutally nasty concepts (baby burning). It grounds all these concepts through tight character plotting and brings them together in a way that feels tonally consistent.
Which is nuts.
It's one thing to have a writhing bucket of strange plot elements, it's quite another thing entirely to be able to present those elements in a form that's coherent.
That is serious craftsmanship.
A lot of horror novels are tasty. The Ceremonies is gourmet.
10/10
Also: There's a character who goes from being a figurative dickhead to a literal dickhead.
And that, ladies and gentlemen is what we call literature.
Thank you, good night!