Blonde Bombshell

by Tom Holt

A heart-warming tale of Armageddon from one of the funniest, most original voices in comic fiction today...

The third planet out from the star was blue, with green splodges. Dirt.

Oh, the bomb thought. And then its courage, determination and nobility-of-spirit subroutines cut in, overriding everything else, adrenalizing its command functions and bypassing its cyberphrenetic nodes. Here goes, said the bomb to itself. Calibrate navigational pod. Engage primary thrusters. Ready auxiliary drive. It knew, in that moment, that its own doom was near; because it was giving itself orders, and it wasn’t putting in any ‘the’s. That was what you did, apparently, when the moment came. You could also turn on a flashing red beacon and a siren, but mercifully these were optional.

Oh #//+! thought the bomb, and surged on towards Dirt like an avenging angel.

Genres: Science Fiction, Fiction, Humor, Fantasy, Comedy, Science Fiction Fantasy, Audiobook

Kindle Edition

First published June 18, 2010

About the author

Tom Holt (Thomas Charles Louis Holt) is a British novelist.
He was born in London, the son of novelist Hazel Holt, and was educated at Westminster School, Wadham College, Oxford, and The College of Law, London.
Holt's works include mythopoeic novels which parody or take as their theme various aspects of mythology, history or literature and develop them in new and often humorous ways. He has also produced a number of "straight" historical novels writing as Thomas Holt and fantasy novels writing as K.J. Parker.

Reviews

[Sammie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tom Holt is totally crazy. He's also a genius. I've ready many of his books, and I've never been disappointed.

For three quarters of this book it seems like this story is going nowhere. No answers are forthcoming and you just get more and more confused. But Tom Holt's talent lies in tying up all those loose ends into something that just makes total sense, and this story is a particularly good showcase for that talent. I loved the ending, it was just so neat and complete. I found myself grinning like an idiot throughout the last few pages.

Loved it.

[Alan · Rating 3 out of 5]

It begins with Tom Holt's trademarked absurdity: a dog and his man, playing fetch in a park. The man, of course, is the one doing the fetching...

Aahhh... picking up a Tom Holt book is like slipping into a warm bath: it's extremely comfortable, and you know just what to expect (at least, you do if you're slipping into your own warm bath—and if you're in the habit of slipping into strangers' baths, you should probably reconsider your life choices, you know). I've read quite a few of Holt's books over the years, and Blonde Bombshell is no exception.

This novel should probably have been called Blond Bombshell, though—the bombshell in question is named Mark, and he's two metres tall, with rugged good looks and a winning smile, a perfect specimen of manhood. Too bad he isn't human. Mark is, literally, a bomb's shell—a more-or-less autonomous probe, that is, constructed and sent to Earth (which he can't stop calling "Dirt") by a sentient explosive device that was dispatched by the highly-advanced (and very vindictive) Ostar in order to... well, to destroy our planet.

Don't worry—Mark's got a very good reason to want to blow us up. Apparently, humans have been broadcasting the most disruptive... music, if you can call it that... without the slightest regard for the pernicious effects such noises have on Mark's creators.

Oh, well. Dirt was a nice planet while it lasted. I rather liked the place myself. And all hope may not be lost, despite the Ostars' superior technology; Dirt's humans are unquestionably primitive but they do have some unexpected resources, including (but not limited to) dead octopi (?!?)...


Blonde Bombshell was endorsed by Christopher Moore, but it actually made me think of a diffent Christopher altogether—Christopher Anvil's classic from the 1950s, Pandora's Planet, in which aliens encounter humans who turn out to be a bit too clever for them. This sequence made me laugh out loud:

"Intruder alert," the computer whimpered sadly, and a very soft alarm weebled gently, like a serenade sung to the moon by baby mice. "Activate defence systems. Defence systems activated. Defence systems compromised, viral infection, systems 99 per cent inoperative due to viral infection, ah well, do the best you can, ends." A panel opened in the side of the console and a small jack-in-the-box bounced out on the end of a long, thin spring, said "Boo!" and collapsed to the floor. The probe stared at it for a moment, then shrugged. "Computer."
"Go away."
—pp.242-243

As usual with Holt's work, everything eventually comes together, albeit just barely. Which is what we want to happen. He excels at giving us what we want. I can't say that I have read, or will ever read, a great Tom Holt novel... but I can say that I've enjoyed every one I've ever encountered—and that, my fellow humans, is accomplishment enough.

[Mark Rayner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Any time someone writes humorous SF, comparisons with Douglas Adams are inevitable, but I think it's unfair to measure Tom Holt's Blonde Bombshell with this in mind.

It's an original story, with lots of laughs, and some fun observations about human nature and bad computer software.

On a purely SF level it doesn't really make any sense -- the Ostars are essentially dogs, yet they have seats, buttons, and other human technologies, which surely wouldn't be comfortable for canine asses and paws as whatever they would create in terms of tools. (I'm imagining some kind technology that runs on dog pee and sniffing.) But that's kind of a quibble, because really the fun of the book is in the human interactions. This is where the Douglas Adams comparison really goes off the rails, because I think Holt's characters are a bit more believable than most of those penned by Adams.

And yes, it doesn't have the same verbal glee with the pun as Adam's work, but there are some great lines, and a few laugh-out loud moments, so it's worth your time. That is, if you like goofy books about sentient planet-busting bombs, and advanced, eight-limbed computer technology.

[Andy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think that the main point with Blonde Bombshell was to make the reader laugh. I didn't laugh as much as I would have liked, but there were some moments where I thought to myself,"That's pretty funny.". That is the extent of this novel. There isn't too much else to say. The book follows the life of a bomb that is sent to destroy Earth by a race of beings called the Ostars. The is seen and heard as a probe that looks human and goes by the name Mark Twain. The best part of the novel is how Mark Twain and another Ostar bomb (the one sent before Twain, but I don't want to reveal too much in case a reading is in order) talk and refer to cultural relevance when discussing specific Earth concepts. The history of the Ostar is pretty funny as well, but not all that surprising and I felt myself wanting more information and time spent on Ostar. I believe that there is more to that story than Holt is letting on. BB was an enjoyable red, but a little over-hyped (if only in my own head).

[✘✘ Sarah ✘✘ (former Nefarious Breeder of Murderous Crustaceans) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is Tom Holt at his best! I don't think I've enjoyed reading one of his book this much since the J. W. Wells & Co. series ended.

I just loved the wacky characters and Holt's inventiveness and quirky story-telling. The plot doesn't seem to make any sense and feels like it's getting nowhere for a good part of the book but then everything comes together and all the loose ends tie up nicely. A very fun read!

[Jonathan K (Max Outlier) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not my favorite Holt book but one filled with surprises. Humorous science fiction isn't everyone's cup of tea and I find Tom's outlandish ideas often get compromised by other elements. Regardless I love his creativity and wacky mind and continue to explore his other titles.

[Melissa McShane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Earth is about to be destroyed by a (literally) smart bomb sent by the Ostarians, a race of creatures descended from dogs rather than primates. The reason: Earth's music turns Ostarian brains to pudding, both literally and figuratively. When the first bomb vanishes, they send a second bomb, which creates a humanoid probe so it can investigate the situation. The probe goes native, even though it's clueless about human social norms and cultural references. Much hilarity ensues.

I like Tom Holt's books, but this one didn't click with me, probably because I never got into it for more than five minutes before someone needed something and I had to put it down. Most of the humor comes from the aliens' difficulty in understanding human behavior, but Holt doesn't overuse this to the point of being cliche'd (that is not an apostrophe, it is an accent mark). The B plot involves two brothers who were sent from Ostar to keep Earth from being destroyed, and I liked them best--they seem like brothers, and their physical transformations are very funny. They use their link with their spaceship to create human bodies for themselves, but because their ship is parked in the lee of the moon, every full moon they lose the connection and revert to dog form. You know. Not-werewolves. The second bomb-ship keeps trying to create these humanoid probes that keep going rogue, and its increasing frustration was funny. So, overall, a good book that I just didn't warm to.

[Melanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another book written by a British man brought up on Doctor Who. Okay, I don't know that for sure, but I defy anyone to watch some Tom Baker Doctor Who episodes and then tell me that you think that Tom Holt did not watch Doctor Who as a small child.

Anyway...I did like the book, but it was hard to get into at first. I don't have a lot of patience with books that have too much going on, too many main characters. But this one was decent, and I'm glad I stuck with it even though it was a little predictable. It made me laugh aloud at some times, and those books are rare.

[Zivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Holt is a strange writer, on one hand for most of the book nothing seems to hold water, on the other hand at the end things make perfect sense.

However, Holt is about effect not about accuracy. If the Aliens are Dogs and their pets are Humans, the humans will act like dogs catching sticks with their mouths and the Dog world wouldn't have any mention of devices, furniture, fittings or anything else suited to dog anatomy.

But I forgive all of this because Holt makes me laugh and thats why I read him.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

As the cover says: "A comedy of intergalactic proportions." I would call it a fun romp exploring AI and what makes us truly human, and how to avoid the apocalypse to boot. Love this author, he's like a combination of Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett. This is the 3rd book I've read by him this year and I'm going to read more very soon.

[John Wiswell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Blonde Bombshell is an absurdist Science Fiction Comedy about how the earth is going to be blown up by and advanced alien race of dogs. Our crime? Our music is just too good and it’s bothering the rest of the galaxy. But en route, the sentient bomb enters probe status and begins to experience earth culture as a human, while humans begin to experience less earth-culture items, like flying escape-dogs and werewolf strike teams. I was entirely won over in fewer than five chapters.

When you do absurdist comedy, and do so while being British, and do so while writing Science Fiction, you get compared to Douglas Adams. When it’s about a cosmic bureaucracy blowing up earth, I like to think you’re courting the comparison. Usually these comparisons are a shame since Adams was about as good as humanly possible at this stuff, and no one else measures up because they don’t do it the same way. Yet this novel is actually reasonable in a blow-for-blow with Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Holt presents a Science Fiction novel about absurd clash between modern humans and bizarre alien species, with umpteen jokes about super-advancement, culture and Citizens of A not understand B about Citizens of C. Holt just so happens to do this about as well as anyone since Adams. Consider this excerpt from when an alien robot takes a human form and has to dress itself for the first time:

“For a bipedal species to design a leg covering that required the user to take one foot off the ground, thereby abandoning all possibility of keeping balance, seemed extraordinary, while the idea of fastening the garment with the metallic inter-linking device was, given the position and vulnerability of the Dirter male sexual organ, frankly terrifying.”

That’s pants for you. Blonde Bombshell has a lot of tangential hits like this, which were Adams’s greatest strength. His second greatest strength? Rattling conversations about impossible things, which Holt also employs enough to raise the national GDP. You put up with the traditional SciFi culture clash humor, and overlook how a being could casually use phrases like “off the shelf” without understanding consumer culture, because there’s a lot here that’s so plain weird no one else was going to write it. A unicorn programmed for global annihilation, or two werewolves discussing office politics, or half a chapter devoted to the psychology of sentient bombs (they look down on lesser machines programmed to believe in afterlives; they know all you need is to have done your work well).

If I may bother you with one last Adams comparison, it’s this: most writers inspired by Adams fall short because Adams seemed to have covered everything, from politics and religion to local politics and car polish. Holt has found about 400 pages of fresh material. It’s not merely topical stuff, like Lucy, a character who often seems to parody Steve Jobs, but autograph culture, mutually assured destruction, shapeshifting, and a species of being that exists solely in syntax. There is literally a literal creature, gone sentient during a message board flame war who now hides out in the recesses of human conversation. That passage, much as that on bomb afterlives and the probes disguising themselves as Jedi to seem inconspicuous on earth, shows that unbridled and anarchic sense of humor can still work in Science Fiction. Blonde Bombshell is an unexpected wedgie of delight.

[Alger Smythe-Hopkins · Rating 2 out of 5]

A cute little goof of a novel, and amusing. An easy recommendation for fans of Christopher Moore to whom it is pretty clear the author owes a stylistic debt, and an entirely over the top blurb claiming that Holt is the next Douglas Adams. The premise is that a couple of super smart bombs arrive to destroy humanity, and instead fall in love, first with humanity then each other. There isn't much here in the plot that is remarkable since it fits rather too neatly into the gonzo sci-fi conventions, but there are a thousand moments of cute, and a dozen moments of chuckle. One certain flaw is the characters, who we get to hear in a rotating and occasionally confusing omniscient third-person narration. These characters are two-dimensional at best, utterly defined by their roles in the story, which would be okay if they were not stock characters from an old-timey farce. We have the woman too wise for the men surrounding her, the oaf of a charming guy whom she pursues, the majic drunk, the bumbling twins, and the obvious villain with a petty grudge.
Everything is too lightly sketched to be involving, and the tidy clockwork of the plot ticks out without surprises, and bits of the plot are discarded as we move from point A to point B since it's pretty clear Holt ran out of ideas about how to make things like the alien's susceptibility to music funny. Holt even throws in some obvious cultural allusions as in-joke fan service via an artificial intelligence that tries to go incognito using its knowledge of Star Wars as a guide to creating a 'hero'.
There is a lot to like in this book, it's inventive at times. Mostly though it goes for the cheap laugh rather than a thoughtful one (a character named Mark Twain (since twain means two), a planet called [D]o[g]star, and some very dumb business about octupii) and never really gets momentum.

PS: I am going to just throw this block quote in here, since one other reader thought this was an excellent example of Holt's comedic style, and I don't disagree.

"Intruder alert," the computer whimpered sadly, and a very soft alarm weebled gently, like a serenade sung to the moon by baby mice. "Activate defence systems. Defence systems activated. Defence systems compromised, viral infection, systems 99 per cent inoperative due to viral infection, ah well, do the best you can, ends." A panel opened in the side of the console and a small jack-in-the-box bounced out on the end of a long, thin spring, said "Boo!" and collapsed to the floor. The probe stared at it for a moment, then shrugged. "Computer."
"Go away."
—pp.242-243

Douglas Adams that ain't, not by a mile.

[Jay Batson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yeah, I do enjoy an unusual pleasure: Humorous Sci-Fi.

If you're a fan of HHGTTG, or Mercury Falls, the Murderbot Diaries, or even the total beach-read Sherlock Mars, you'll like the Blonde Bombshell.

In the Bombshell, the blonde has taken over the world commercially, but has a surprising secret that she's been trying to forget. Literally. The guy is trying to save the world, but isn't sure he ought to. The Bombshell is ... well, there are several - real, and metaphorical, all trying to figure out how to blow things up, but encountering obstacles. Throw in a few dogs - man's best friend, of course (or, not?) - an alcoholic scientific genius saddled with inability to cope (who brings Marvin the Paranoid Android back to mind), dirt, a couple of bumbling secret agents and of course a budding love (???) interest among the ostensible heroes, and you've got all the ingredients for mischief, humor, and world-ending or world-saving story.

For me, this is the kind of book I don't want to put down because sometimes you just need an escape. Tom Holt is now an author I'm likely to return to regularly over the next few books. I enjoy his wit, and levity. I'll read one more right away, because I'm not done with levity. Seriousness is being read in parallel, and I need something to lighten the conversation.

Five stars because of the second reason in my 5-star rating rules.

[Hannah F · Rating 3 out of 5]

I t wasn't bad
BUT ...

Is way too long. I've noticed that with a coupke other of his books I've tried

Because of this they tends to drag in places, or I get bored and quit reading them.

With this one,I had to skim read during the boring pages of constant tech babble.

If he had shorten all the long books by 1 /4 they would be quicker livelier and funnier. (noticed earlier book are shorter )

I did guess why she dudnt have memories before thst year right away too .


But again ijiot book reviewers need to QUIT comparing him and every other "light " sci ci writer to Douglas Adam's! No bloody way in hell is this as funny nor does it flow like Adam's work. NOR does any other writer (many much worse than holt )
.End of rant

[Carl · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fun and interesting sci-fi. Never a dull moment. Full of creative and witty one-liners. An overall fun comdy og intergalactic humour.

A must read.

"Bastards stole my dog", he muttered through a mouthful of cheesecake.
Quite. And now they'd shot him and put him in a box, and it seemed more than likely that they were the ones looting all the money, too. Well, he hasn't in the least surprised. People who'd steal a kid's dog, were clearly capable of anything.

[Deb · Rating 4 out of 5]

A boy and his dog

That’s what this story is about. Boy has dog, boy loses dog, boy finds dog, and boy loses dog again. It’s just that way with the addition of intergalactic tensions and threats of blowing up two planets. Takes some getting used to because the octopus gets in the way.

[Stefan Grieve · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is gloriously fun and sometimes silly, surprisingly romantic with a intermittently verbose writing style and is full of good, inventive ideas as well as plenty laugh out louds moments. I enjoyed this a lot.
At first I thought it was somewhat amusing but as I continued to read it got funnier and funnier. A treat.

[Matthew · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a tough one for me. I really wanted to like this book and I appreciate this sort of humor but it just never clicked for me. I pushed through just to see if it might redeem itself but in the end I just felt “meh” about it. Absurdities piled on top of silliness only takes me so far. Will I read another book by the author? Doubtful.

[Serena Wong · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed this *a lot* more than I expected (the title of the book put me off, I guess the old saying holds about judging a book by its cover)! Heartily recommend it to those who enjoy humor with their sci-fi. Loved it.

[Rpaul Tho · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book redeemed Tom Holt for me after that disastrous one I read previous to this one (When It’s a Jar). This book had the comedy and sharp wit and crazy unbelievable storylines that I come to expect from him writing. I enjoyed this one immensely.

[Brian Wheeler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bombs and Dogs and Drunks and Unicorns

Zany. That's what this book was. Dogs are people, bombs are people, people are dogs, octopuses are computers and words are people too. It all makes sense in the end, except for the stuff that doesn't.

[Diana L. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my favorite Tom Holt book. I tell people about it compulsively, like I’m trying to sell them Jesus or an extended car warranty. It is just that good. It is smart and funny, and like the best humor, tells us much about ourselves.

[BRT · Rating 3 out of 5]

This wasn't as much sheer lunacy as his book Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Sausages but more of a sustained bizarrely possible lunacy. Along the way some thoughts are brought up on our cultural oddities, how we make pets out of canines, and our tendency to want to blow things up.

[Lemony Bean · Rating 4 out of 5]

Decent read, a bit muddled in places. It’s a Tom Holt novel. You know what you’re getting with him - rather out there fantasy and a whole dose of nonsense.

There’s sentient dogs, sentient bombs, shapeshifters spies, octopuses being used as computers….

It’s worth a read.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took me a long time to get through this book because I kept getting distracted by other books. It was entertaining but not nearly as funny as I thought it was going to be from the description.

[Clive Keyte · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great humour and a couple of really clever twists.

[Vladi Bar On · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is funny and clever. Light reading, was a pleasure to read

[Tristan Yi · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fully fleshed-out, doggone bold sci-fi comedy that delivers on all enjoyment fronts! Holt is clever, sensitive, and smart as hell. A good time.

[Paul · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is my fourth Holt book and so far my least favorite. His madcap plotting is fully intact, but I’d like a little less preaching in my escapism, thank you very much.

[Cybercrone · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very strange, and very funny. Definitely a good read.