There will be serious spoilers here so you’ve been warned.
Total rubbish. A mishmash of Maori and Greek mythology. Mostly a waste of time, sad to say. Lots of disjointed bits adding up to very little.
The story is about Elllie (Eleanor) who makes reference far too often that she is too big and clunky and chunky and has no friends except one super-attractive boy named Kevin. It turns out that Kevin chose her for a friend because he has no sexual attraction toward her. He shares with her that he’s asexual.
Now I’m confused because doesn’t being asexual mean that he doesn’t find anyone sexually attractive? So then wouldn’t he be able to hang out with any girl because he isn’t attracted to any of them? Why the big deal about Kevin being asexual? What was the point of this?
Why this was a plot point didn’t make any sense to me, particularly when his sexual attraction to a supernatural being is what moves the plot along in the first half of the book. Ellie, at the request of the enigmatic hot-boy, Mark, has been asked to keep an eye on Kevin, to keep him away from the otherworldly scarily gorgeous Reka.
Are you still with me?
There are mentions to the Eyeslasher murders, a series of murders in which the victims eyes are cut out.
Mark warns Ellie not to be out alone after dark. Woooooooo. Scary. What does he know? Ellie and Mark have some kind of odd connection that he can’t explain to her whereupon she proceeds to BEAT THE INFORMATION OUT OF HIM. (She’s a black belt in tae kwon do.) At this point Ellie isn’t a character I can support or feel any connection. She decides she will beat him up. Yes, he has done some questionable things, but physical violence??? No. Just no.
Let's flip that around for just a moment. Would it be okay if he beat her up to get something he wanted from her? Would we think oh, he's a black belt beating up someone who isn't hitting back, carry on? Or would it bring on a feeling of outrage?
In the midst of the beating, Ellie has the realization that Mark is, in reality, physically unable to say the words to explain things to her. She then tramples off to the library to research on what he can’t tell her. Of course since he can’t tell her, how does she have a starting place to research? Ellie has a few light bulb moments ending in her discovery that Reka is a Maori fairy or patupaiarehe. Once she figures it out then Mark can tell her what Reka is up to. Mark is her son by Kevin’s great uncle who was believed to have disappeared when he, the ujncle, was nineteen. Reka is now after Kevin so she can mate with him to make more of her own kind. It seems that Kevin, a Maori boy, has unknown magic as does Ellie.
Ellie, Mark and another friend, Iris, manage to stop Reka from sexing it up with Kevin, who is oblivious to everything and even though the book has been, up to now, about saving Kevin, he pretty much leaves the story at this point.
Ellis is attracted to Mark and when he’s feeling sad, she launches herself at his lips, only to blame him for this later and say he was trying to use her, to make her fall in love with him because it’s something that would save him.
After the saving of Kevin, Mark tells Ellie about the patupaiarehe, sort of. Then, after a battle with some of them, Mark’s mother, Reka, shows up and tells them that the patupaiarehe have plans to kill off the North Island which is actually a big fish, causing a huge earthquake that will sink the island, killing everyone which will make the gigantic Guardian of the Dead (this is where the title finally makes a bit of sense) so overworked and so tired that she will sleep through one of the patupaiarehe climbing into her tooth-lined vajajay to give them immortality. The Eyeslasher isn’t a serial killer, but all the patupaiarehe (not Mark or Reka, though) who are killing anyone with magic and stealing that magic by taking their eyes.
Ellie and Mark go off to save the North Island (after Reka lends Mark her eyes), calling on all the magical people they can. There is a war council while they all plan what they’re going to do and, of course, none of it works out as they plan. Mark is killed and… yes, I said Mark is killed. Ellie, with the help of a magic mask that loves her, goes to the Underworld to stop a patupaiarehe form getting into the Guardian’s huge toothy crotch and Ellie, of course, makes this whole Underworld trip naked. I have no idea why, but yep, naked. She comes across the spirit of dead Mark (who it seems it not naked) and tells him to follow her out of the Underworld in an attempt to save him. She ends up on the rooftop of her parent’s house naked and Mark is a sea monster. But this makes Ellie happy since Mark is finally bigger than she is and stronger too. Really? The boy she loves is a sea monster and this makes her happy? How self-involved can she possibly be?
Ellie has self-image problems. In almost every chapter we’re reminded that she is huge, really, really, incredibly huge. She is envious of all the little pretty girls with nice complexions. Her self-loathing is almost non-stop, but then Mark says something negative about himself (prior to becoming a sea monster) and this is what she thinks :”Self-hatred was a big turn-off.” So she can’t accept that he has issues, but she’s full up of her big self with them. Wow, way to be inconsistent and judgmental.
She can’t seem to decide whether she’s a bad-ass or not. At different times, she thinks she’s capable of taking care of herself and then she’ll say she’s not any kind of fighter, although she had no problem beating on Mark. Just saying.
The magic mask was never explained. I kept waiting to learn about it. Ellie knows it’s ancient and extremely powerful because she can feel it and it loves her. It could make everyone love her. What the heck is this thing? Who knows?
Conveniently missing parents. Ellie’s parents are off touring the world after her mother recovered from a serious illness. Why? What did this have to do with anything? Ellie thinks of how much she cares about her mother when Mark’s father dies or when he talks about his mother, but really, why was this in the book? After almost losing her mother and giving up her friends and activities to help out, her parent’s repay her care and sacrifice by sending her off to a boarding school and taking off for a year. Who does this? After almost dying, the first thing her mother thinks is “I think I’ll leave my child whose given up so much for me for a year!!!” I’m mad at these people who don’t even appear in the story. Surely something like they are simply having a weekend away would have covered for why their house is empty so Ellie can use it for the war council.
The mythology goes from Maori to Greek to Ellie’s own personal mythology or that’s what I understood, but I could be wrong. The mix of myths made it all a bit confusing.
Also, from the first of the book I wondered what the heck this author has against Christchurch, New Zealand. She describes it as dirty, dingy and smelly. I’ve never heard that about it and I’m not from Chch, but I found it kind of an insulting attitude.Perhaps this is common for New Zealanders, much like some Americans make fun of New Jersey or Cleveland? I don't know.
There was both too much going on in the book and not enough. So much is still unexplained by the book’s end that I have an odd feeling that this isn’t the last of this story. I won’t read any more of it.
One last thing: Why does every YA book now try to re-create the Twilight story? Here we have:
Ellie = Bella = unattractive (in her eyes) new girl at new school, doesn't fit in
Mark = Edward = mysterious boy with red hair who is hot, hot, hot
Kevin = Jacob = big muscular native boy who will only ever be a friend
*Note: I know nothing of Maori mythology, belief or customs so if in my ignorance I've said something offensive about those beliefs, I apologize as that was not my intent. I don't know what is actual belief and what is created by the author. I can't believe this book was nominated for and/or won awards. I really can't.