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Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible!
A hilarious re-imagining of the heroes of the Old Testament for a modern world-and the neurotic, demanding reader.In the beginning...there was humor.Sure, it's the foundation for much of Western morality and the cornerstone of world literature. But let's face the Bible always needed punching up. Plus, it raised quite a few questions that a modern world refuses to ignore any wouldn't it be boring to live inside a whale? How did Joseph explain Mary's pregnancy to the guys at work? Who exactly was the megalomaniacal foreman who oversaw the construction of the Tower of Babel? And honestly, what was Cain's problem?In Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bible!, Jonathan Goldstein re-imagines and recasts the greatest heroes of the Bible with depth, wit, and snappy dialogue. This is the Bible populated by angry loners, hypochondriacs, and reluctant prophets who fear for their sanity, for readers of Sarah Vowell and the books of David Sedaris. Basically, a Bible that readers can finally, genuinely relate to.Jonathan Goldstein's new book, I'll Seize the Day Tomorrow, will be available May 2013.
260 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 7, 2003
122 people are currently reading
1741 people want to read
About the author
Jonathan Goldstein
26 books135 followersRadio Work
Many of Goldstein's pieces have been featured on the PRI radio show This American Life where he is a contributing editor. From 2000 to 2002 he was also a producer of the show.
Currently, Goldstein hosts a show on CBC Radio One called WireTap, a program featuring stories told over the phone. He was also the host of the CBC summer radio program Road Dot Trip in 2000 and has contributed to shows like Dispatches and Outfront.
Written work
In 2001, Goldstein's debut novel, Lenny Bruce Is Dead, was published by Coach House Books. Goldstein also co-authored Schmelvis: In Search of Elvis Presley's Jewish Roots with Max Wallace, an account of a Hasidic Elvis impersonator and Rabbi's quest to trace the Jewish roots of Elvis Presley. His latest book, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bible! was published in April 2009 by Riverhead. Goldstein has also been published in The New York Times Magazine, Saturday Night, The New York Times, The Walrus, GQ, the Journey Prize Anthology and the National Post. He has also self-produced a number of small publications, most notably carwash the size of a peach.
Many of Goldstein's pieces have been featured on the PRI radio show This American Life where he is a contributing editor. From 2000 to 2002 he was also a producer of the show.
Currently, Goldstein hosts a show on CBC Radio One called WireTap, a program featuring stories told over the phone. He was also the host of the CBC summer radio program Road Dot Trip in 2000 and has contributed to shows like Dispatches and Outfront.
Written work
In 2001, Goldstein's debut novel, Lenny Bruce Is Dead, was published by Coach House Books. Goldstein also co-authored Schmelvis: In Search of Elvis Presley's Jewish Roots with Max Wallace, an account of a Hasidic Elvis impersonator and Rabbi's quest to trace the Jewish roots of Elvis Presley. His latest book, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bible! was published in April 2009 by Riverhead. Goldstein has also been published in The New York Times Magazine, Saturday Night, The New York Times, The Walrus, GQ, the Journey Prize Anthology and the National Post. He has also self-produced a number of small publications, most notably carwash the size of a peach.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 254 reviews
July 26, 2011
Short review.
The Bible is a source for many things. Irrational thought, bigotry, hope and solace, etc., It is also a rich ground for fictional re-workings. It's like the authors of that silly book wanted to leave it open ended enough to ensure a healthy amount of 'fan-fiction' would get written to fill in all of the gaps. Many interesting works have been done that use the rough outlines of stories contained in the pages of that dusty old book to flesh out the vague and weak narratives or to spin the tales for a whole host of various reasons. Let's make Jesus and existential hero, how about we make the story Jacob into that of a class-warrior, etc., fill in what you want about any story and someone has probably tried their hand in re-working it.
Usually I'm all for reworkings of the Bible, the great thing about the silly book is all the important parts left out and in the hands of an imaginative writer lots can be done with the material. What did Cain and Abel talk about in the field? What about the majority of the years in the life of Jesus. Theologians can put a wholesome, orthodox or moral spin to something like Lot telling all of the men of the city that they can ass rape his daughters but there is still a giant, 'huh?' that anyone not set on just nodding along to the reading of the week is going to ask.
This collection of short stories based on some of the more famous scenes of the Old Testament aims at kvetching humor. At times the style works pretty well, but as the book goes on the stories start to feel a little tired. It's not that the same joke is made up over and over again, but it starts to feel like a few of the early stories were pretty inspired and at some point the author thought, I need to get a couple of hundred pages of these stories if I'm going to make this into a book and by the end the stories were feeling as tired as the tenth or twelfth visit to Camp Crystal Lake, or because this is a comedy book and not a horror novel, sort of like the Police Academy movies once all the original cast was gone except for the man who made the funny sounds with his mouth.
Many of these stories would have been a lot stronger if they had been shaved down quite a bit, but I think that is the problem with humorous writing, sometimes what starts off as a funny joke just isn't made for being more than a short piece. For another movie example, many a funny Saturday Night Live became very unfunny when the funny three minute premise was turned into a ninety minute snooze-fest that needed to have a ridiculous plot attached to what is essentially a funny catch-phrase or one-liner.
This book is better than most SNL movies, but by the end I was feeling sort of like I was trapped in the last twenty minutes of a very uninspired SNL episode.
The Bible is a source for many things. Irrational thought, bigotry, hope and solace, etc., It is also a rich ground for fictional re-workings. It's like the authors of that silly book wanted to leave it open ended enough to ensure a healthy amount of 'fan-fiction' would get written to fill in all of the gaps. Many interesting works have been done that use the rough outlines of stories contained in the pages of that dusty old book to flesh out the vague and weak narratives or to spin the tales for a whole host of various reasons. Let's make Jesus and existential hero, how about we make the story Jacob into that of a class-warrior, etc., fill in what you want about any story and someone has probably tried their hand in re-working it.
Usually I'm all for reworkings of the Bible, the great thing about the silly book is all the important parts left out and in the hands of an imaginative writer lots can be done with the material. What did Cain and Abel talk about in the field? What about the majority of the years in the life of Jesus. Theologians can put a wholesome, orthodox or moral spin to something like Lot telling all of the men of the city that they can ass rape his daughters but there is still a giant, 'huh?' that anyone not set on just nodding along to the reading of the week is going to ask.
This collection of short stories based on some of the more famous scenes of the Old Testament aims at kvetching humor. At times the style works pretty well, but as the book goes on the stories start to feel a little tired. It's not that the same joke is made up over and over again, but it starts to feel like a few of the early stories were pretty inspired and at some point the author thought, I need to get a couple of hundred pages of these stories if I'm going to make this into a book and by the end the stories were feeling as tired as the tenth or twelfth visit to Camp Crystal Lake, or because this is a comedy book and not a horror novel, sort of like the Police Academy movies once all the original cast was gone except for the man who made the funny sounds with his mouth.
Many of these stories would have been a lot stronger if they had been shaved down quite a bit, but I think that is the problem with humorous writing, sometimes what starts off as a funny joke just isn't made for being more than a short piece. For another movie example, many a funny Saturday Night Live became very unfunny when the funny three minute premise was turned into a ninety minute snooze-fest that needed to have a ridiculous plot attached to what is essentially a funny catch-phrase or one-liner.
This book is better than most SNL movies, but by the end I was feeling sort of like I was trapped in the last twenty minutes of a very uninspired SNL episode.
February 21, 2011
- The book wins at poignant details: it's sweet and sad and funny – I like the first story, which is really snarky about his family, but in a loving way that really discreetly brings out some of what amazes him about his father, while pretending to deride. Sneaky filial affection!
- This is also one of those books that manage not to make anyone unlikeable, even when two characters are pitted against one another
- Perhaps too many stories revolve around awkward, always failing heroes who end up being loved for their awkwardness by sweet but somewhat nondescript women, and a few too many parents and siblings concerned about the social integration of their dear but worrisome failure child/sibling?
- In the Canadian tradition, some very unsexy sex is had
- Kay: You will be interested to know that there is a discussion on the relationship between fart jokes and theology
- Apparently unicorns never fare well when biblical stories are adapted?
- These stories are a big point of contention in my family (poingnant and funny/pathetic and mean). You will like them if you like this:
“There was a certain pang that Cain started to feel. It was in his stomach. He felt the pang grow sharpest when he looked upon shis brother. He could hardly speak with him without having to hunch over in pain. Since the world was still new, and no one had yet felt this way, Cain did not know that it was jealousy he was feeling. Instead, he decided that his stomach no longer wanted to be his stomach. It wanted ot escape his rib cage; it wanted to be Abel’s stomach. There was no shame in this. Being Abel meant being happy. Being Cain meah being wretched. Being Cain had brought him nothing. (...) When he heard his father call out for Abel and he saw his borther go forth, it made him feel like he was nothing. He couldn’t even say that he felt like Cain anymore. One could not feel like Cain because it had no flavor. Cain was the absence of flavor. Cain was like saliva or a Wednesday.”
- This is also one of those books that manage not to make anyone unlikeable, even when two characters are pitted against one another
- Perhaps too many stories revolve around awkward, always failing heroes who end up being loved for their awkwardness by sweet but somewhat nondescript women, and a few too many parents and siblings concerned about the social integration of their dear but worrisome failure child/sibling?
- In the Canadian tradition, some very unsexy sex is had
- Kay: You will be interested to know that there is a discussion on the relationship between fart jokes and theology
- Apparently unicorns never fare well when biblical stories are adapted?
- These stories are a big point of contention in my family (poingnant and funny/pathetic and mean). You will like them if you like this:
“There was a certain pang that Cain started to feel. It was in his stomach. He felt the pang grow sharpest when he looked upon shis brother. He could hardly speak with him without having to hunch over in pain. Since the world was still new, and no one had yet felt this way, Cain did not know that it was jealousy he was feeling. Instead, he decided that his stomach no longer wanted to be his stomach. It wanted ot escape his rib cage; it wanted to be Abel’s stomach. There was no shame in this. Being Abel meant being happy. Being Cain meah being wretched. Being Cain had brought him nothing. (...) When he heard his father call out for Abel and he saw his borther go forth, it made him feel like he was nothing. He couldn’t even say that he felt like Cain anymore. One could not feel like Cain because it had no flavor. Cain was the absence of flavor. Cain was like saliva or a Wednesday.”
January 10, 2013
While Goldstein is able to breathe considerable life and personality into many well-known biblical characters, I feel that his creativity and ambition generally runs short. Yes, the stories are funny most of the time, but the comedic effect relies on what are more caricature than character. That said, these caricatures do provide the reader with plenty of moments to reflect upon weighty matters of familial love, godly devotion/insanity, etc, but that reflection often comes from undermining what we thought were the points of these stories, not because he has really done anything new or surprising. I realize that this is his point, but making every character obsessive, selfish, and/or completely stupid gets a bit old after a while. Perhaps I have just been spoiled after reading Rebecca Kanner's debut novel, The Sinners and the Sea, which reimagines the story of Noah's ark by creating deeply flawed and completely human characters while also spinning the story in a new direction that I was left amazed at its creativity and just how believable and true it felt. This is what I want out of a tale reimagined--everything seen through fresh, intelligent eyes, everything challenged. Another problem I had with Goldstein was the mixture of time appropriate and modern humor that often just felt lazy. Many times he relied upon modern comedic tropes/cliches which were not translated into the ancient setting. Plus, the final story about Joseph, the husband of the Virgin Mary, was simply the worst of the book and a horrible decision to leave off on. I see how he tried to wrap up the collection by starting with Adam and Eve and finishing at the start of the New Testament, but the story itself is terribly boring, not creative at all, and has the most flaccid comedy of the entire book.
July 24, 2016
This book was hilarious.
It is not for those who cannot laugh at religion or enjoy some twists on old tales. For them it may border on offensive, although I wasn't offended not once, not ever.
The author kind of "re-wrote" the Old Testament.
His stories were easier and way more fun to read, and he applied a lot of modern psychology to explain the motives of the characters from Bible stories; I loved it.
The prologue introduces us to the author as a Jewish child learning religious stories from his family at Sunday dinners. His father tells him that unicorns were killed as an "added penalty" because of Adam and Eve's sin. God made Adam and Eve personally strangle each unicorn on earth to death, which was rough at first, "but they got used to it, making small talk as they strangled...it actually brought them closer and helped their marriage."
So it's no wonder that this guy grew up with some warped views of some of the world's oldest stories.
He covers the following in this book:
Most of Genesis - Creation, Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Noah and the Ark, The Tower of Babel, Jacob and Esau
Then we have The Golden Calf story from Exodus, some Samson and Delilah, a good bit of King David, Jonah and the whale and we end with poor Joseph and his troubles with co-workers who mock him for having a pregnant wife he never slept with.
The thing I loved most about this book is the underlying message that these stories could have been told any way, by any one, and we could take any message from them. I think he just wants you to THINK FOR YOURSELF.
And I love that he never makes the characters do things that are the opposite of what their story in the Bible entails, he merely humanizes everyone and their actions.
So here are some of my favorite quotes from this book:
The snake in Eden decides that he and Eve have a future together, because Adam is such an oaf. The problem is, "the snake had no idea wat he looked like. He was hairless, bucktoothed, four inches tall, and he spoke with a lisp."
That is the best description of a snake I ever heard.
Adam, in his later years, " 'Where's Grandpa's belly button?' they all asked. He stared at the children - they were all his children - and as they slid their little hands across his blank stomach, he wondered what it was like to be a kid."
" 'Am I my brother's keeper?' asked Cain. God did not answer. He just gave him a look."
Noah, after a day of gathering animals to repopulate the world to his wife, "You should try to catch a hummingbird! That you should try!"
"Mibzar believed, the flood was largely due to Noah's incompetence as a public speaker...God killed your grandpa...don't let him kill your kids."
Some stuff I never thought about:
"Were the fish allowed to live [through the flood:] because they were more pious than everyone else?"
"It is my imagining that on the day He drowned the whole world, He could not be feeling very good about himself...All I'm saying is who knows what goes through This Guy's head? He's whimsical!"
I love the thoughts about what Abraham may have said to Isaac on the walk home after God stopped his sacrifice at the very last second; the scene where Jacob fights the angel and can't stop himself from occasionally laughing at the absurdity of the situation; the idea of trying to get rid of an entire stock of golden calves after Moses says God doesn't want anyone worshipping false idols. "Slap a beard on...[him and:] we'll call him Mooses. A beautiful tribute!"
I just love this book. I'd love a totally redone Bible in his words. I will be looking for anything else this guy writes.
It is not for those who cannot laugh at religion or enjoy some twists on old tales. For them it may border on offensive, although I wasn't offended not once, not ever.
The author kind of "re-wrote" the Old Testament.
His stories were easier and way more fun to read, and he applied a lot of modern psychology to explain the motives of the characters from Bible stories; I loved it.
The prologue introduces us to the author as a Jewish child learning religious stories from his family at Sunday dinners. His father tells him that unicorns were killed as an "added penalty" because of Adam and Eve's sin. God made Adam and Eve personally strangle each unicorn on earth to death, which was rough at first, "but they got used to it, making small talk as they strangled...it actually brought them closer and helped their marriage."
So it's no wonder that this guy grew up with some warped views of some of the world's oldest stories.
He covers the following in this book:
Most of Genesis - Creation, Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Noah and the Ark, The Tower of Babel, Jacob and Esau
Then we have The Golden Calf story from Exodus, some Samson and Delilah, a good bit of King David, Jonah and the whale and we end with poor Joseph and his troubles with co-workers who mock him for having a pregnant wife he never slept with.
The thing I loved most about this book is the underlying message that these stories could have been told any way, by any one, and we could take any message from them. I think he just wants you to THINK FOR YOURSELF.
And I love that he never makes the characters do things that are the opposite of what their story in the Bible entails, he merely humanizes everyone and their actions.
So here are some of my favorite quotes from this book:
The snake in Eden decides that he and Eve have a future together, because Adam is such an oaf. The problem is, "the snake had no idea wat he looked like. He was hairless, bucktoothed, four inches tall, and he spoke with a lisp."
That is the best description of a snake I ever heard.
Adam, in his later years, " 'Where's Grandpa's belly button?' they all asked. He stared at the children - they were all his children - and as they slid their little hands across his blank stomach, he wondered what it was like to be a kid."
" 'Am I my brother's keeper?' asked Cain. God did not answer. He just gave him a look."
Noah, after a day of gathering animals to repopulate the world to his wife, "You should try to catch a hummingbird! That you should try!"
"Mibzar believed, the flood was largely due to Noah's incompetence as a public speaker...God killed your grandpa...don't let him kill your kids."
Some stuff I never thought about:
"Were the fish allowed to live [through the flood:] because they were more pious than everyone else?"
"It is my imagining that on the day He drowned the whole world, He could not be feeling very good about himself...All I'm saying is who knows what goes through This Guy's head? He's whimsical!"
I love the thoughts about what Abraham may have said to Isaac on the walk home after God stopped his sacrifice at the very last second; the scene where Jacob fights the angel and can't stop himself from occasionally laughing at the absurdity of the situation; the idea of trying to get rid of an entire stock of golden calves after Moses says God doesn't want anyone worshipping false idols. "Slap a beard on...[him and:] we'll call him Mooses. A beautiful tribute!"
I just love this book. I'd love a totally redone Bible in his words. I will be looking for anything else this guy writes.
May 15, 2009
Wow, did this book make me angry. It started off with a really dull prologue that I did not find very funny. Then came a retelling of Adam and Eve that was kind of cute. Cute, not terrible funny, though. I picked this book up and was curious about a humorous take on the bible. Then I read David Sedaris's review on the back. I like David Sedaris. David Sedaris is funny. Jonathon Goldstein is not. I spen so much time forcing myself to continue through each of these stories that were just ridiculous. I would have perhaps appreciated them if they had been a little smarter. Here, we are reading a looooong short story of David and Goliath, the main premise being that all he wants is people to think he is funny. This drives his life. Unfortunately, since it is a ridiculous motivation for a character and does not make and untouchable character seem human and relatable, but moronic and pointless, it makes it all just a waste of time.
I admit I am by no means terribly familiar with the bible, but even the famous stories that everyone knows were frustrating. The retelling of Mary and Joseph was clever. Of course, it was three or four pages long. So, if anyone is interested in taking this awful book off my hands, I might just be willing to pay the shipping to get it out of my house
I admit I am by no means terribly familiar with the bible, but even the famous stories that everyone knows were frustrating. The retelling of Mary and Joseph was clever. Of course, it was three or four pages long. So, if anyone is interested in taking this awful book off my hands, I might just be willing to pay the shipping to get it out of my house
September 6, 2021
Fun, playful, a bit silly. Not particularly useful except to see how folks in the Jewish tradition are so great at constantly making Bible stories personal and applicable.
November 22, 2012
My 23 year old son turned me on to "Wiretap," the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) radio humor program of the author, Jonathan Goldstein (if that is your real name, Jonny).
On Goldstein's radio program, fantasy is blended with reality in such a fashion as to make you question everything you hear.
In the book, "Ladies & Gentlemen: The Bible," Goldstein offers his midrashim, or stories about stories in the Jewish Bible, from the viewpoint of the modern-day hipster.
They are refreshing in their novel take on familiar tales and sensitive in the way Goldstein showcases his personality on the radio.
Further, they are believable because of their adherence to the Torah text.
The only disappointment is that there is little or no material which has not been aired on the CBC. But this drawback is not sufficient to dock him a single star.
Well done, Jonathan, and write on!
On Goldstein's radio program, fantasy is blended with reality in such a fashion as to make you question everything you hear.
In the book, "Ladies & Gentlemen: The Bible," Goldstein offers his midrashim, or stories about stories in the Jewish Bible, from the viewpoint of the modern-day hipster.
They are refreshing in their novel take on familiar tales and sensitive in the way Goldstein showcases his personality on the radio.
Further, they are believable because of their adherence to the Torah text.
The only disappointment is that there is little or no material which has not been aired on the CBC. But this drawback is not sufficient to dock him a single star.
Well done, Jonathan, and write on!
August 1, 2010
I love Bible stories. I have a vague memory of our family doctor's office, and how I would enjoy going there because there was a Children's Bible—or it might have just been the Old Testament—and I loved reading the story of Genesis from it. Of course, I was a child back then, and as my religious tendencies have gone from agnostic to atheistic, one might expect my enthusiasm for the Bible to dim. Quite the contrary, in fact. Regardless of one's religion, the Bible is one of the most important works in Western literature. Allusions to it permeate our high and pop culture; even my name, "Benjamin," is Biblical.
It is the privilege of any great book to be parodied. Such parodies are essential, because they help ensure we take the source material seriously but not too seriously. Whether you are intimately familiar with the details of these stories or you find the Bible boring, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! is a retelling both humourous and faithful to the source material.
The best stories in this book are "Adam and Eve", "Cain and Abel", "Jacob and Esau", and "Jonah and the Fish". Some of the other stories, such as "The Golden Calf" do not measure up in terms of humour or quality; others, like "King David", drag on longer than need be. I was surprised by the inconsistency in quality among these stories, because the first two are so good. That might be my childhood bias returning, however: I have a penchant for Genesis and retellings of the explusion from Eden. It is an iconic story, and there are just so many ways to re-interpret the Garden of Eden, the snake, Adam and Eve's relationship, and the Tree of Knowledge. In Goldstein's version, I love the dynamic between Eve and the snake, as well as his explanation of Adam and Eve's relationship:
Goldstein somehow injects contemporary sterotypes into ancient stories and make it all seem timeless. He goes the usual route of Biblical parodies, mocking the wrathfulness of the Old Testament God. In addition to that, however, his stories contain perspectives necessarily absent from the source material yet nonetheless relevant to the topic. For example, the ending to "Adam and Eve" is poignant and thoughtful:
On a dramatic level, the expulsion from Eden is tragic, but Goldstein reminds us that there is a personal tragedy too. The Bible does not mention that Adam lacks a belly button (and God, being omnipotent, very well could have given Adam one, had He chosen). Maybe Adam did not have a belly button, since he was never in utero; and certainly he never had a childhood. Of all the differences accorded him in being the first human being, this is probably the saddest.
Similarly, the ending to "Cain and Abel" is one of the darkest parts of the entire collection. Cain has murdered his brother Abel, sure that God would intervene at the last moment. As punishment, he wanders the Earth, and we get a glimpse at how extreme longevity can be as much curse as blessing:
Far from being humorous, much of Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! is serious and even dark. Bible stories prove to be a perfect subject for showcasing Goldstein's ability to fuse levity and tragedy, black comedy that is not so much macabre as it is tragic. From the Bible, Goldstein appropriates names and events and turns them into real characters and stories. For the most part, he does it well. For every few moments of poetic triumph, unfortunately, there is also a moment of low comedy. (I had never before heard the phrase "psychosomatic anal welts" and never want to hear it again.) Several of the stories in this book have been broadcast, sometimes abridged, on Goldstein's CBC radio show, WireTap. You can hear the episodes for free from the website, and I urge you to give them a try. Not only is WireTap a great show, but there's something about Goldstein's voice that makes the stories even better than they are on paper.
It is the privilege of any great book to be parodied. Such parodies are essential, because they help ensure we take the source material seriously but not too seriously. Whether you are intimately familiar with the details of these stories or you find the Bible boring, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! is a retelling both humourous and faithful to the source material.
The best stories in this book are "Adam and Eve", "Cain and Abel", "Jacob and Esau", and "Jonah and the Fish". Some of the other stories, such as "The Golden Calf" do not measure up in terms of humour or quality; others, like "King David", drag on longer than need be. I was surprised by the inconsistency in quality among these stories, because the first two are so good. That might be my childhood bias returning, however: I have a penchant for Genesis and retellings of the explusion from Eden. It is an iconic story, and there are just so many ways to re-interpret the Garden of Eden, the snake, Adam and Eve's relationship, and the Tree of Knowledge. In Goldstein's version, I love the dynamic between Eve and the snake, as well as his explanation of Adam and Eve's relationship:
Since the Garden of Eden was the very first village, and since every village needs a mayor as well as a village idiot, it broke down in this way: Eve: mayor; Adam: village idiot.
Sometimes, when Adam would start to speak, Eve would get all hopeful that he was about to impart something important and smart, but he would only say stuff like: "Little things are really great because you can put them in your hand as well as in our mouth."
Goldstein somehow injects contemporary sterotypes into ancient stories and make it all seem timeless. He goes the usual route of Biblical parodies, mocking the wrathfulness of the Old Testament God. In addition to that, however, his stories contain perspectives necessarily absent from the source material yet nonetheless relevant to the topic. For example, the ending to "Adam and Eve" is poignant and thoughtful:
The children would swarm into the house like a carpet of ants. The youngest ones would head straight for Adam, lifting his shirt to examine his belly for the umpteenth time. They smoothed their hands across his flesh and marveled.
"Where's Grandpa's belly button?" they all asked. He stared at the children—they were all his children—and as they slid their little hands across his blank stomach, he wondered what it was like to be a kid.
On a dramatic level, the expulsion from Eden is tragic, but Goldstein reminds us that there is a personal tragedy too. The Bible does not mention that Adam lacks a belly button (and God, being omnipotent, very well could have given Adam one, had He chosen). Maybe Adam did not have a belly button, since he was never in utero; and certainly he never had a childhood. Of all the differences accorded him in being the first human being, this is probably the saddest.
Similarly, the ending to "Cain and Abel" is one of the darkest parts of the entire collection. Cain has murdered his brother Abel, sure that God would intervene at the last moment. As punishment, he wanders the Earth, and we get a glimpse at how extreme longevity can be as much curse as blessing:
He began to doubt everything. He even began to wonder whether he had ever actually heard God's voice, whether the mark on his forehead was the mark of God and not just another liver spot. Was this a part of his punishment, he wondered, to be left so uncertain of whether God really was, or whether God was only something inside his own head?
Far from being humorous, much of Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! is serious and even dark. Bible stories prove to be a perfect subject for showcasing Goldstein's ability to fuse levity and tragedy, black comedy that is not so much macabre as it is tragic. From the Bible, Goldstein appropriates names and events and turns them into real characters and stories. For the most part, he does it well. For every few moments of poetic triumph, unfortunately, there is also a moment of low comedy. (I had never before heard the phrase "psychosomatic anal welts" and never want to hear it again.) Several of the stories in this book have been broadcast, sometimes abridged, on Goldstein's CBC radio show, WireTap. You can hear the episodes for free from the website, and I urge you to give them a try. Not only is WireTap a great show, but there's something about Goldstein's voice that makes the stories even better than they are on paper.
April 3, 2018
I enjoyed the modern twist from the classic. I've followed the author on podcast for many years, and to read his words on paper still feels different.
October 30, 2025
The funniest of the biblical fiction reads, to date.
July 14, 2009
I had such high expectations for this book - perhaps that was the problem (my bad, I guess). Still, the edition I read includes promotional blurbs from David Sedaris and Sarah Vowell, so, what could go wrong? Well, other than the fact that I was bored silly reading it and raced through it just to get get to the finish line, not much. The jacket also says that the author has appeard on "This American Life" (again, what could go wrong?). Admittedly, his *voice* isn't coming to me in my head, unlike those of Mr. Sedaris and Ms. Vowell, so if he's yet another insightful literary comic with a distinct voice that's currently escaping me in his case, then perhaps these tales, when read by the author, are much more amusing than just a dry reading (reading Mr. Sedaris's work can have the same flat effect).
In short, the author re-imagines a number of the more well known stories from the Bible, putting a modern jargon / psychological insight spin on them (Cain just wanted to be noticed by God and happy with life; David wanted to be a comic). The book did make me want to pull out my copy of "Don't Know Much About the Bible" to look a few items up - well, maybe even the actual Bible - so that was a good thing.
Clever idea, this book; IMO, needs work.
In short, the author re-imagines a number of the more well known stories from the Bible, putting a modern jargon / psychological insight spin on them (Cain just wanted to be noticed by God and happy with life; David wanted to be a comic). The book did make me want to pull out my copy of "Don't Know Much About the Bible" to look a few items up - well, maybe even the actual Bible - so that was a good thing.
Clever idea, this book; IMO, needs work.
May 30, 2011
After hearing a presenter read a selection from Jonathan Goldstein at TIP (in Saskatoon) (you can listen to the original here), I knew that I had to check out one of his books. "Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible!" did not disappoint. It was, by turns, whimsical, heartfelt, irreverent, and poignant in its retellings of various Old Testament tales (with my favourite being his sympathetic portrayal of Cain). While he occasionally fell victim to a small degree of stylistic predictability, an issue that I often see in humorous writing (with Arthur Black, Stuart McLean, and even Douglas Adams being more frequent offenders), I was still engaged throughout.
I'm definitely planning to check out more of his work in the future.
I'm definitely planning to check out more of his work in the future.
October 24, 2010
the book is short, and the stories were sometimes clever, but ultimately i didn't find it funny, and it was supposed to be hilarious. i don't mind that these are re-telling of familiar bible stories, but i suppose the story that reveals david as a frustrated comic who has trouble making anybody laugh reflects my own feelings on the book. again, since this is an npr guy, i would've perhaps found the stories funnier if they had been read aloud to me.
July 3, 2015
Some stories were better than others, some funnier than others, but a diverting read nonetheless
July 20, 2022
Een van mijn favoriete podcast-hosts heeft een boek geschreven over mijn favoriete boek. Je zou verwachten dat het óf een teleurstelling (1 ster) óf een succes zou zijn (4 of 5 sterren). In plaats daarvan toch een middelmaat.
Het boek herschrijft/beschrijft een paar van de meest bekende verhalen uit het oude testament en heeft daarin een paar leuke, grappige, originele vondsten (Noach als ultieme bad guy die zich tijdens het bouwen van de ark al zit te verheugen op het aankomende oordeel, een familiebedrijf in gouden kalveren en hun argwaan jegens Mozes, een Goliath waar en passant over wordt opgemerkt dat “hij wel altijd veel goed deed voor gehandicapte Filistijnze kinderen”, of de broer van Jonas die ineenkrimpt van schaamte elke keer als z’n broertje tegenover een vrouw begint over hoe het was om in een vis te zitten). Genoeg voor een paar glimlachjes. Echter zijn de verhalen veeeeeel te lang, en het aantal glimlachjes daarvoor te weinig. Ipv de 9 verhalen die het nu zijn, was ik enthousiaster geweest over 2 keer zoveel, en dan de helft korter. Ook de vrouwen in het boek (Eva, Delila en Batseba) bestaan gewoon drie keer uit precies hetzelfde personage. De Bijbel loopt niet over van de vrouwen, maar daar is in meer diversiteit in karakters te vinden dan in dit boek. Als laatste ben ik misschien als Nederlander immuun geworden voor veel van de satire in het boek. Als ik op de achterflap “gewaagd en ambitieus” lees, dan kan ik me haast niet voorstellen dat het over dit boek gaat. Maar wellicht dat dat in de Canadese/Amerikaanse cultuur anders is.
Drie sterren omdat het tóch dealt met het mooiste boek ooit, om de glimlachjes, en omdat Jonathan Goldstein de maker is van Heavyweight en hij dus het voordeel van de twijfel krijgt.
Het boek herschrijft/beschrijft een paar van de meest bekende verhalen uit het oude testament en heeft daarin een paar leuke, grappige, originele vondsten (Noach als ultieme bad guy die zich tijdens het bouwen van de ark al zit te verheugen op het aankomende oordeel, een familiebedrijf in gouden kalveren en hun argwaan jegens Mozes, een Goliath waar en passant over wordt opgemerkt dat “hij wel altijd veel goed deed voor gehandicapte Filistijnze kinderen”, of de broer van Jonas die ineenkrimpt van schaamte elke keer als z’n broertje tegenover een vrouw begint over hoe het was om in een vis te zitten). Genoeg voor een paar glimlachjes. Echter zijn de verhalen veeeeeel te lang, en het aantal glimlachjes daarvoor te weinig. Ipv de 9 verhalen die het nu zijn, was ik enthousiaster geweest over 2 keer zoveel, en dan de helft korter. Ook de vrouwen in het boek (Eva, Delila en Batseba) bestaan gewoon drie keer uit precies hetzelfde personage. De Bijbel loopt niet over van de vrouwen, maar daar is in meer diversiteit in karakters te vinden dan in dit boek. Als laatste ben ik misschien als Nederlander immuun geworden voor veel van de satire in het boek. Als ik op de achterflap “gewaagd en ambitieus” lees, dan kan ik me haast niet voorstellen dat het over dit boek gaat. Maar wellicht dat dat in de Canadese/Amerikaanse cultuur anders is.
Drie sterren omdat het tóch dealt met het mooiste boek ooit, om de glimlachjes, en omdat Jonathan Goldstein de maker is van Heavyweight en hij dus het voordeel van de twijfel krijgt.
March 30, 2024
One star
I don’t think I’ve ever said this before… if you see this book pass it by. With the exception of the first and last story, this book, meant to be funny riffs on some of our Biblical heroes, is full of the kind of sexual innuendo and gross bathroom humor middle school boys seem to get a kick out of. I kept reading, thinking there was surely going to be some socially redeeming value, but there’s not. It’s just stupid and silly. I would have expected more from the author of Lenny Bruce is Dead.
The first story is a very colorful and humorous recollection, perhaps of his own Jewish family, of restaurant meals on Sabbath, with all relatives in attendance. Good story, nothing offensive. The last story is a humorous riff on what Joseph might have told the guys at work about Mary and her baby. Very funny, yet respectful. In between, however, are off color and ridiculous stories.
One in particular, may describe the overall tone of this worthless book. It is the story of David, and is by far the longest story in the collection. The premise is that David would really rather be a good stand up comedian than a good king. But, no matter who he practices on, even Bathsheba, he falls flat. And he has no idea why.
And THAT seems to be the author’s problem as well. Goldstein May think he is funny, but he’s snot.
October 10, 2025
This was such a fun book. I first heard about it on NPR where the author (I think) read the first chapter - a re-telling of the Adam and Eve story that would interest modern readers. As I am a PK (Preacher's Kid) or as we like to be known TO (Theologian's Offspring), I appreciate re-structuring of biblical stories (from the NIV of the bible to the Last Temptation of Christ - there are spiritual lessons in them all).
This book takes some rather dusty, dry stories and make them more real, crucial and - let us not forget - so very entertaining.
From Eve's insistent boredom with a dull and not very bright man to Noah's distrust of his kids to help him with the ark, to David tying his hand at standup comedy (he thought him killing a giant would be hilarious) to Jonah finally finding someone to love because of his fascinating story about being inside a fish (despite his more accomplished brother telling him to shut up about that) - these tales are fun, hilarious and enjoyable yet still provide interesting insights into the spiritual lessons behind the original (whether that was Goldstein's intention or not is unclear).
This is a great read and I will recommend to all of my (liberal) clergy pals...
This book takes some rather dusty, dry stories and make them more real, crucial and - let us not forget - so very entertaining.
From Eve's insistent boredom with a dull and not very bright man to Noah's distrust of his kids to help him with the ark, to David tying his hand at standup comedy (he thought him killing a giant would be hilarious) to Jonah finally finding someone to love because of his fascinating story about being inside a fish (despite his more accomplished brother telling him to shut up about that) - these tales are fun, hilarious and enjoyable yet still provide interesting insights into the spiritual lessons behind the original (whether that was Goldstein's intention or not is unclear).
This is a great read and I will recommend to all of my (liberal) clergy pals...
January 9, 2022
3.5 stars
Quotes:
- We shrug our shoulders and say, ‘why not?’ and it is that shoulder-shrugging spirit that’s helped us survive.
- A person’s job on Earth is to make the best sense of things that he can. Not to give up and live like an animal, but not to get too hung up on the details.
- He came to understand what jealousy was and he saw it everywhere. The grass was jealous of the trees, the trees were jealous of the butterflies, the butterflies were jealous of the birds.
- There is no sadder word than “ family,” thought Jacob. For Esau, Jacob’s heart was always just about to break.
- She held on to her love as though holding on to it was a mark of character, as though love was gold that you had to be thrifty with.
- It was like there was always the risk of her wandering off, his heart in her teeth.
- “Any schmuck can yank a crocodile’s tail off,” said Jason, “but to make the people love you—that’s a gift.”
- David wanted to please the Lord, and he believed a hardy chuckle would do Him good.
- It is only through the godly gift of humor that man endures the horror. What other faculty allows you to turn pain into triumph? Tears of sadness into tears of laughing too hard?
Quotes:
- We shrug our shoulders and say, ‘why not?’ and it is that shoulder-shrugging spirit that’s helped us survive.
- A person’s job on Earth is to make the best sense of things that he can. Not to give up and live like an animal, but not to get too hung up on the details.
- He came to understand what jealousy was and he saw it everywhere. The grass was jealous of the trees, the trees were jealous of the butterflies, the butterflies were jealous of the birds.
- There is no sadder word than “ family,” thought Jacob. For Esau, Jacob’s heart was always just about to break.
- She held on to her love as though holding on to it was a mark of character, as though love was gold that you had to be thrifty with.
- It was like there was always the risk of her wandering off, his heart in her teeth.
- “Any schmuck can yank a crocodile’s tail off,” said Jason, “but to make the people love you—that’s a gift.”
- David wanted to please the Lord, and he believed a hardy chuckle would do Him good.
- It is only through the godly gift of humor that man endures the horror. What other faculty allows you to turn pain into triumph? Tears of sadness into tears of laughing too hard?
September 23, 2025
Jonathan Goldstein is my friend Zoe's favorite humorist. She discovered him through NPR, and when she learned that I was unfamiliar with him she was very excited to have a book to recommend to me rather than the other way around.
Written humor is a hard sell for me, and it is hard for me to understand why. Perhaps I'm just a miserable bastard. That said, I did find Goldstein's modern retellings of biblical stories to be amusing in a milquetoast NPR manner. Cracking wise about the bible is an evergreen endeavor, so I did find myself on familiar ground throughout the book. This gag is similar to a Mel Brooks routine, or that riff reminds me of a Sam Kinison bit, etc.
What saved the book for me is that almost every story has a poignant moment or two that would really stick with me. Adam wondering what it would have been like to have been a child, or Isaac's lifelong PTSD after Abraham tried to sacrifice him. It's these observations that really elevate the work from a collection of mild and familiar gags.
Written humor is a hard sell for me, and it is hard for me to understand why. Perhaps I'm just a miserable bastard. That said, I did find Goldstein's modern retellings of biblical stories to be amusing in a milquetoast NPR manner. Cracking wise about the bible is an evergreen endeavor, so I did find myself on familiar ground throughout the book. This gag is similar to a Mel Brooks routine, or that riff reminds me of a Sam Kinison bit, etc.
What saved the book for me is that almost every story has a poignant moment or two that would really stick with me. Adam wondering what it would have been like to have been a child, or Isaac's lifelong PTSD after Abraham tried to sacrifice him. It's these observations that really elevate the work from a collection of mild and familiar gags.
July 6, 2018
This book wasn't good. I think it was trying to be funny, but the "jokes" fell flat. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It vacillated between utterly boring and offensive - in a totally-not-related-to-religion way. I was most offended by Jonah's chapter - the premise was completely distasteful, disturbing and disgusting. I picked this book up after hearing an excerpt from the Adam and Eve chapter on NPR, that chapter was definitely the best and most redeeming chapter in the book. I also thought the Joseph and Mary chapter was turning out ok, until it ended suddenly with no resolution. I'd say skip this book - I wish I had!
September 24, 2019
This book is hilarious. The first story in the collection was featured on my favorite podcast This American Life. I made a mental note to buy the book, but at least a year went by before I got around to it. The timing was perfect. I needed something lighthearted and Jonathan Goldstein delivered. I am not religious and I don't believe the majority of bible stories, so there was no worry at all about being offended. This collection is a funny take on stories that were ingrained in me as a child, but seem absolutely ridiculous in adult life. I can't select a favorite story. They all are worth the read. I definitely recommend this collection.
November 5, 2021
Jonathan Goldstein probably has a spot on my personal Mount Podmore so I'm already coming to this expecting that I will love it. I've listened to all of Wiretap and had heard some of the Bible retellings contained within in the past. It's a fun collection of expanding Bible stories with lots of irreverence and clearly from the perspective of someone intimately familiar with the source material and the Jewish culture that has developed around these stories. The charm does wane towards the end and some of the stories aren't quite clever enough to justify the length but in the end it's an enjoyable collection for those with some interest in some of the Old Testament stories.
May 8, 2018
Easy and amusing read. Maybe it would have resonated with me more if I had more of an affinity to biblical stories. I find learning about them interesting, but the way in which this book presents its retellings seems to focus more on imbuing a culturally specific humour than finding a poignant commentary (then again, it's possible that I don't know the stories, nor the style of telling well enough to properly appreciate it). I'm glad I read it, an interesting tone on some famously dry subject matter... I just wish it had somehow done something a bit more.
October 26, 2018
I picked up this book from the library because I heard the Adam and Eve retelling read on This American Life and loved it. Goldstein also retells accounts of Cain and Abel, Noah, Babel, Jacob, Moses, Samson, David, Jonah, and the parents of Jesus. The humor is uneven, but all the attempts are good. David as a wannabe comedian, bested by his son. Noah as a grumpy old man. Too often Goldstein resorts to the stereotype of man as dumb clod, but overall, playful and enjoyable
October 31, 2018
Starts out promising and becomes tedious rather quickly. The problem is that there’s essentially one joke here - what if we took the bible and made everyone in it act like modern day schmucks? If Goldstein would have fully committed to all-out silliness this concept may have worked but instead it just becomes tamer and tamer until you’re left with a simple retreat of some bible stories. Why even bother?
February 25, 2025
Hough family book club pick - Taylor.
Top three stories:
#3 Adam and Eve - first heard on This American Life and it’s quite silly and wonderful.
#2 Joseph of Nazareth - heartwarmingly sarcastic - I rooted for this Joe more than any other character in the book - sweet ending
#1 Cain and Abel - the post murder lethargy lasting centuries where Cain loses his desire to change (gains an acceptance of) the world as it is - poignant
Goldstein sure was thinking about penises a lot when he wrote this book.
Top three stories:
#3 Adam and Eve - first heard on This American Life and it’s quite silly and wonderful.
#2 Joseph of Nazareth - heartwarmingly sarcastic - I rooted for this Joe more than any other character in the book - sweet ending
#1 Cain and Abel - the post murder lethargy lasting centuries where Cain loses his desire to change (gains an acceptance of) the world as it is - poignant
Goldstein sure was thinking about penises a lot when he wrote this book.
October 30, 2018
I admire midrash (stories that shed light on tales from the Bible) that is fresh and insightful. With a few exceptions, I did not gain much fresh insight. I am also a big fan of humor, but my funny bone was not in sync with this author’s. I kept thinking I was in the midst of a stand up act where the timing and delivery just did not work for me.
October 29, 2019
I don't know how to categorize this. Gentle humor? It is clever. The stories aren't so much retellings as tellings with small alterations and additions to highlight the most troubling parts of the story. I hear the Adam and Eva story on This American Life, and found it quietly insightful and funny, and sad, too.
December 22, 2019
Hilarious. Irreverent without being blasphemous. Foul but sweet. It may seem that Goldstein is making light of the world's most cherished scripture, but really he's looking at the Bible through the lens of humanity's confusion and frustrations. I came away thinking how we have one foot on this crumbly Earth, and one foot in heaven, and our mysterious God loves us on both sides.
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