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No Matter Our Wreckage
A ground-breaking, uncompromising and unflinching memoir about grooming, intergenerational trauma, grief and love.
My mother knew I was abused as a child. She had read letters sent from my abuser to me… But she never spoke to me about them, or what they described. And she never intervened to stop the abuse… Now she is dying and the past is rising to the surface like a bruise.
When Gemma Carey was twelve years old, a man twice her age would sneak into her bedroom on a weekly basis and sexually assault her. When Gemma was seventeen, she took the perpetrator to court without anyone else knowing and had him placed on the child sex offenders register. When she was thirty-three, her mother died of cancer. For twenty years, her mother had known about this man. But why had she not acted to protect her daughter? Could the genesis of this betrayal be found in her own family history?
No Matter Our Wreckage is the story of past and present colliding. It seeks to capture the complexity of forces which lead to abuse; to understand the intertwined narratives of mothers and daughters and how trauma becomes encoded in our DNA through generations. It explores grooming and the intricacies of consent, and how as a society we have not yet figured out how to deal with these types of crimes or the people who commit them.
No Matter Our Wreckage is a powerful, poetic and unflinching memoir about what it means not to matter, and how an extraordinary woman refused to listen to the stories she was being told about herself - by her history, by her abuser, by her mother, by society. It is only by speaking out that Gemma Carey learns she can break free from her past and reclaim her life, her self and her future.
My mother knew I was abused as a child. She had read letters sent from my abuser to me… But she never spoke to me about them, or what they described. And she never intervened to stop the abuse… Now she is dying and the past is rising to the surface like a bruise.
When Gemma Carey was twelve years old, a man twice her age would sneak into her bedroom on a weekly basis and sexually assault her. When Gemma was seventeen, she took the perpetrator to court without anyone else knowing and had him placed on the child sex offenders register. When she was thirty-three, her mother died of cancer. For twenty years, her mother had known about this man. But why had she not acted to protect her daughter? Could the genesis of this betrayal be found in her own family history?
No Matter Our Wreckage is the story of past and present colliding. It seeks to capture the complexity of forces which lead to abuse; to understand the intertwined narratives of mothers and daughters and how trauma becomes encoded in our DNA through generations. It explores grooming and the intricacies of consent, and how as a society we have not yet figured out how to deal with these types of crimes or the people who commit them.
No Matter Our Wreckage is a powerful, poetic and unflinching memoir about what it means not to matter, and how an extraordinary woman refused to listen to the stories she was being told about herself - by her history, by her abuser, by her mother, by society. It is only by speaking out that Gemma Carey learns she can break free from her past and reclaim her life, her self and her future.
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Published September 1, 2020
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 42 reviews
January 4, 2021
I've wrestled over how to write this review in a way that acknowledges what the author has gone through while addressing significant issues. CSA is horrific and has no definitive end point. Even when the victim and perpetrator are worlds apart, the effects of abuse live on, and this is evident in Carey's memoir. I am genuinely sorry that the author has lived through (and continues to live through) this experience. The main reason I bought the book and wanted to endorse it, was because of the line of argument it purports to pursue, which is (according to the author) under theorised or discussed: that neglect of children within the context of family creates the conditions for outside abuse to enter the child's world and flourish. The author constructs a narrative in which it was therefore up to her to, independently, confront her abuser, take him to court, and go on to find success as an academic - she stresses on multiple occasions how her individual strength of character and tenacity allowed for these things to occur. Nonetheless, what seriously overshadowed the author's exploration of family dynamics as a basis for abuse, was the emphasis placed on "individual strength of will and character." There is an insidious way in which those in positions of structural power can tap into discourses of meritocracy to 'overlook their privileges', and conceptualise their successes in terms of individual virtues. While I don't want to minimise the horror of taking an abuser to court, the author's failure to acknowledge the tremendous 'leg up' that her many privileges enabled her, which made an act like this and everything else that followed it possible, runs the serious risk of blaming other victims of abuse for their failure to be as successful or brave. The author had money, networks, property, private education ... Blindness to her privileges stood in the way of a more nuanced exploration, making the book, ultimately, an exercise in self-indulgence. I found it hard to finish.
September 16, 2020
It’s hard to rate a book like this, it’s certainly not for enjoyment but this book is hard to put down. In part 1 the author details her grooming and abuse, and that her mother was aware of it but did nothing. Twenty years later her mother is dying of cancer, but silence about the past continues. The second part is mostly about grief and also research into her mother’s past to try and find answers. It’s about trauma and silence within families and survival.
November 10, 2020
What drew me to No Matter Our Wreckage, among the spate of trauma memoirs being written by Australian women, was that this was a story of online grooming - something I am very interested in, as I see it increasingly often in my work. Carey somewhat delivers on this front, but the real guts of the book focuses on in the impact of silence and intergenerational trauma - which I encounter too, of course.
The first section of the book focuses on Carey's experience of online grooming, abuse and ultimately taking her abuser to court. Carey advises she wrote this section while her mother was dying and it shows: there's a rushed, chaotic energy which made me uneasy.
Carey addresses the reader directly throughout the book, to set boundaries and challenge reader's expectations of information. She has also written a separate article about her strong belief that the reader is only owed what information she is willing to share. I generally agree with this school of thought because it's so easy to slide into trauma porn territory, making abuse a spectacle rather than a very real lived experience. I wasn't left wanting any more detail around Carey's abuse, but I did wish she had shared more detail around her family dynamic, particularly her relationship with her mother when she was an adolescent. The second section of the memoir focuses on her relationship with her mother and exploring why she didn't intervene, despite being cognisant of the abuse, and also why Carey never confronts her about this. Having heard only the negative parts, such as how alienated from her family Carey was, how vehemently she blames her mother for not protecting her and how difficult she was as a person, it's hard to reconcile Carey's immense involvement with her mother's illness later in life.
I can't help but feel if this book was written after some more time (and therapy) it would be a deeper, more nuanced story, without necessarily revealing the information Carey chooses to keep private.
The first section of the book focuses on Carey's experience of online grooming, abuse and ultimately taking her abuser to court. Carey advises she wrote this section while her mother was dying and it shows: there's a rushed, chaotic energy which made me uneasy.
Carey addresses the reader directly throughout the book, to set boundaries and challenge reader's expectations of information. She has also written a separate article about her strong belief that the reader is only owed what information she is willing to share. I generally agree with this school of thought because it's so easy to slide into trauma porn territory, making abuse a spectacle rather than a very real lived experience. I wasn't left wanting any more detail around Carey's abuse, but I did wish she had shared more detail around her family dynamic, particularly her relationship with her mother when she was an adolescent. The second section of the memoir focuses on her relationship with her mother and exploring why she didn't intervene, despite being cognisant of the abuse, and also why Carey never confronts her about this. Having heard only the negative parts, such as how alienated from her family Carey was, how vehemently she blames her mother for not protecting her and how difficult she was as a person, it's hard to reconcile Carey's immense involvement with her mother's illness later in life.
I can't help but feel if this book was written after some more time (and therapy) it would be a deeper, more nuanced story, without necessarily revealing the information Carey chooses to keep private.
June 30, 2021
(3.5 stars)
"Now she is dying, and the past is rising to the surface like a bruise." Nothing like a death in a family to stir up unresolved trauma. Professor Gemma Carey starts off No Matter Our Wreckage with the bare bones of her experiences of child sexual abuse, where she was groomed by a man she met in an internet chat room and was sexually assaulted by him between the ages of 12 and 14. The first part of her book is the best description of grooming I've read, very factual, very clear, particularly on difficult ideas like "the dual presence of fear and pleasure" with the understanding that the child victim has no control over either; and the way that grooming gradually weaves "sexual ideas into an otherwise normal conversation until they become the normal conversation."
The precondition for Carey's exposure to this abuser was being "abandoned within 'family'". Carey holds a lot of very understandable anger about that: "It's very hard to explain how you can be 'family'; nested in a middle-class life with the opportunities and privileges it affords, but be alone." This reminded me very much of hounding my own mother for an acknowledgement that my childhood wasn't rosy, and her saying: "you had every advantage - a roof over your head, holidays overseas etc". Yet I also felt: "Alone, within 'family'."
The second part of the book is about the death of Carey's mother, which is actually both the death of the mother she had, and the death of the mother she never had. It's also about how hard it is to do the right thing by a dying parent who wasn't a particularly good parent: "No matter the wreckage, I did my duty." In this part of the book, Carey's words might provide solace for those who are both sad and relieved when one of their parents dies.
The impeding death of her mother stirs up Carey's need to find out why her mother failed to act when she learned about the child sexual abuse. If you're hoping for a nice tidy answer, this isn't the book for you. Just as most victims rarely get at the truth of why the people implicated in their trauma behaved as they did, No Matter Our Wreckage gives a realistic account of the way you often have to settle on a story that you can live with, constructed from fragments of information. For Carey, it's that her mother was abused too, so confronting the abuse of her daughter may have been too great an ask. "Like the Möbius strip, history repeating in so many unfortunate ways." Knowing what we know about intergenerational trauma, Carey's hypothesis might well be the case. It's certainly true that accepting this possible narrative allows Carey to construct a future with new foundations: "I had built a new relationship with my mother, after her death."
No Matter Our Wreckage is an introspective look at the tendrils that extend from grooming and child sexual abuse through the victim's/survivor's adult life and relationships, and the particular spanner that the death of a parent in an already fractured 'family' throws into that complex mess. I liked the first half of the book on grooming much better than the second part on grief.
"Now she is dying, and the past is rising to the surface like a bruise." Nothing like a death in a family to stir up unresolved trauma. Professor Gemma Carey starts off No Matter Our Wreckage with the bare bones of her experiences of child sexual abuse, where she was groomed by a man she met in an internet chat room and was sexually assaulted by him between the ages of 12 and 14. The first part of her book is the best description of grooming I've read, very factual, very clear, particularly on difficult ideas like "the dual presence of fear and pleasure" with the understanding that the child victim has no control over either; and the way that grooming gradually weaves "sexual ideas into an otherwise normal conversation until they become the normal conversation."
The precondition for Carey's exposure to this abuser was being "abandoned within 'family'". Carey holds a lot of very understandable anger about that: "It's very hard to explain how you can be 'family'; nested in a middle-class life with the opportunities and privileges it affords, but be alone." This reminded me very much of hounding my own mother for an acknowledgement that my childhood wasn't rosy, and her saying: "you had every advantage - a roof over your head, holidays overseas etc". Yet I also felt: "Alone, within 'family'."
The second part of the book is about the death of Carey's mother, which is actually both the death of the mother she had, and the death of the mother she never had. It's also about how hard it is to do the right thing by a dying parent who wasn't a particularly good parent: "No matter the wreckage, I did my duty." In this part of the book, Carey's words might provide solace for those who are both sad and relieved when one of their parents dies.
The impeding death of her mother stirs up Carey's need to find out why her mother failed to act when she learned about the child sexual abuse. If you're hoping for a nice tidy answer, this isn't the book for you. Just as most victims rarely get at the truth of why the people implicated in their trauma behaved as they did, No Matter Our Wreckage gives a realistic account of the way you often have to settle on a story that you can live with, constructed from fragments of information. For Carey, it's that her mother was abused too, so confronting the abuse of her daughter may have been too great an ask. "Like the Möbius strip, history repeating in so many unfortunate ways." Knowing what we know about intergenerational trauma, Carey's hypothesis might well be the case. It's certainly true that accepting this possible narrative allows Carey to construct a future with new foundations: "I had built a new relationship with my mother, after her death."
No Matter Our Wreckage is an introspective look at the tendrils that extend from grooming and child sexual abuse through the victim's/survivor's adult life and relationships, and the particular spanner that the death of a parent in an already fractured 'family' throws into that complex mess. I liked the first half of the book on grooming much better than the second part on grief.
August 31, 2020
“The message of that time was clear: women are responsible for the things that men do, and never more so than if they express sexual desire”
From the moment I started this book I couldn’t put it down. It was heartbreaking traumatic, powerful and consumed with grief.
🚨 Trigger warning for grooming, sexual abuse, depression and grief.
Gemma was groomed and emotionally and sexually abused as a child. Her mother found letters written to Gemma from her abuser and she chose never to mention what happened or get her daughter help. Her mother is now dying and the past comes to the surface again.
This book was so heartbreaking to read in the beginning. I was so angry with the situation and how oblivious Gemma’s family were to what was really happening. Over the 2 years she was abused she knew something wasn’t right and years later decided to see a psychologist and then pressed charges on the man.
Why didn’t Her mother protect her? Fast forward to life and now her mother is dying we see the effects the abuse has had on her life. Her family show no love or compassion. Nursing her mother takes a toll on them all and when her mother is thanking people who have helped her she completely ignores her daughter who moved in and lost her marriage to help.
Once her mother passes grief hits them all at different times and in different ways. Trauma runs deep in their DNA, Gemma uncovers stories about her mothers life and the shame associated with abuse. Gemma is an extraordinary woman, so brave and refused to let society ruin her. By breaking the cycle Gemma reclaims her life and the future she deserved, Happiness.
I would like to thank Gemma Carey for writing this courageous book.
From the moment I started this book I couldn’t put it down. It was heartbreaking traumatic, powerful and consumed with grief.
🚨 Trigger warning for grooming, sexual abuse, depression and grief.
Gemma was groomed and emotionally and sexually abused as a child. Her mother found letters written to Gemma from her abuser and she chose never to mention what happened or get her daughter help. Her mother is now dying and the past comes to the surface again.
This book was so heartbreaking to read in the beginning. I was so angry with the situation and how oblivious Gemma’s family were to what was really happening. Over the 2 years she was abused she knew something wasn’t right and years later decided to see a psychologist and then pressed charges on the man.
Why didn’t Her mother protect her? Fast forward to life and now her mother is dying we see the effects the abuse has had on her life. Her family show no love or compassion. Nursing her mother takes a toll on them all and when her mother is thanking people who have helped her she completely ignores her daughter who moved in and lost her marriage to help.
Once her mother passes grief hits them all at different times and in different ways. Trauma runs deep in their DNA, Gemma uncovers stories about her mothers life and the shame associated with abuse. Gemma is an extraordinary woman, so brave and refused to let society ruin her. By breaking the cycle Gemma reclaims her life and the future she deserved, Happiness.
I would like to thank Gemma Carey for writing this courageous book.
September 4, 2020
CW: child abuse, grooming, cancer, death
I have been following Gemma on social media for a few years now - I greatly admire her writing on grief and miscarriage in the media. This book covered what I didn’t know about Gemma - the abuse she endured as a child, that her mother knew this was happening and didn’t stop it, and also the complex relationship she has with her family.
It’s an angry, brave confronting and contemplative book - Gemma has experienced many betrayals and traumas from her mother, father and the man who abused her. She is resilient and stoic and this book deeply reflects on the cause and effect of her cumulative traumas. As Gemma writes, it’s important to speak out and write about traumas that have happened to us.
It was interesting to read some of the research behind abuse, and also about intergemerational trauma. Gemma found out a lot about her mother after her death - her mother had a traumatic upbringing as well. She does a really good job of articulating just how complicated grief is, and that that you can be angry at someone and still want the best for them.
Gemma’s family is fractured. I wonder about the impacts of writing so much about family members who are still alive. I wish her peace and healing.
Gemma is a wonderful writer and I look forward to reading her future work.
I listened to the audiobook. The narrator was great, but I would have loved to hear Gemma read the book herself. It was a quick, unputdownable read.
Note: this review has been edited after I was contacted by the author.
I have been following Gemma on social media for a few years now - I greatly admire her writing on grief and miscarriage in the media. This book covered what I didn’t know about Gemma - the abuse she endured as a child, that her mother knew this was happening and didn’t stop it, and also the complex relationship she has with her family.
It’s an angry, brave confronting and contemplative book - Gemma has experienced many betrayals and traumas from her mother, father and the man who abused her. She is resilient and stoic and this book deeply reflects on the cause and effect of her cumulative traumas. As Gemma writes, it’s important to speak out and write about traumas that have happened to us.
It was interesting to read some of the research behind abuse, and also about intergemerational trauma. Gemma found out a lot about her mother after her death - her mother had a traumatic upbringing as well. She does a really good job of articulating just how complicated grief is, and that that you can be angry at someone and still want the best for them.
Gemma’s family is fractured. I wonder about the impacts of writing so much about family members who are still alive. I wish her peace and healing.
Gemma is a wonderful writer and I look forward to reading her future work.
I listened to the audiobook. The narrator was great, but I would have loved to hear Gemma read the book herself. It was a quick, unputdownable read.
Note: this review has been edited after I was contacted by the author.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 19, 2021
It’s hard to critique something when it is autobiographical and deals with the subject matter it does, but I disliked it. The mother was bad, the father was bad, the husband was bad, basically everybody was bad on some sort of arbitrary binary. I ended up feeling really uneasy by some of the characterisations, and at times, I thought it read as overly snarky (particularly towards other people’s suffering outside of her own).
October 27, 2020
When Gemma Carey was 12, a man twice her age would sneak into her bedroom on a weekly basis and sexually assault her. When Gemma was 17, she took the perpetrator to court without anyone else knowing and had him placed on the child sex offenders register. When she was 33 her mother died of cancer. For 20 years, her mother had known about this man. But why had she not acted to protect her daughter? Could the genesis of this betrayal be found in her own family history?
No Matter Our Wreckage is an incredibly moving & candid memoir, but I think what my favourite thing about it is I went in thinking it was going to be mainly focused on the sexual assault Gemma suffered, but it was less about the explicit details & more about the aftermath & her struggle to find answers to some pretty huge questions. Gemma is trying to find out why her mother never stopped her abuse, while dealing with her mother’s cancer diagnosis, a marriage breakdown, & then the aftermath of her mother’s death, & it was so eye opening watching her trying to navigate the complexities of this situation while also trying to protect herself.
If you have a complex relationship with your parents, I couldn’t recommend this more if you want to understand more about intergenerational trauma & how things they may have suffered may influence how they treat you at times. There were times when it genuinely felt like reading a counselling session in the best way possible, & I am so grateful that Gemma doesn’t try & paint anyone in a disingenuous way - she is open with the shitty things her mum does, her dad does, her husband does, but she is also honest about her own behavior & mistakes she makes along the way.
I couldn’t put this book down in the end & particularly loved the second half, & if you are a fan of Know My Name or Eggshell Skull, I would really recommend this as I feel like it has a different & unique view of sexual assault. It is raw, resilient & an incredible debut from Gemma Carey that will stay with you long after you close the pages.
No Matter Our Wreckage is an incredibly moving & candid memoir, but I think what my favourite thing about it is I went in thinking it was going to be mainly focused on the sexual assault Gemma suffered, but it was less about the explicit details & more about the aftermath & her struggle to find answers to some pretty huge questions. Gemma is trying to find out why her mother never stopped her abuse, while dealing with her mother’s cancer diagnosis, a marriage breakdown, & then the aftermath of her mother’s death, & it was so eye opening watching her trying to navigate the complexities of this situation while also trying to protect herself.
If you have a complex relationship with your parents, I couldn’t recommend this more if you want to understand more about intergenerational trauma & how things they may have suffered may influence how they treat you at times. There were times when it genuinely felt like reading a counselling session in the best way possible, & I am so grateful that Gemma doesn’t try & paint anyone in a disingenuous way - she is open with the shitty things her mum does, her dad does, her husband does, but she is also honest about her own behavior & mistakes she makes along the way.
I couldn’t put this book down in the end & particularly loved the second half, & if you are a fan of Know My Name or Eggshell Skull, I would really recommend this as I feel like it has a different & unique view of sexual assault. It is raw, resilient & an incredible debut from Gemma Carey that will stay with you long after you close the pages.
September 26, 2020
This is a memoir, so not surprisingly it gets very intense at times, given the sensitive subject matter.
On more than a few occasions I had to stop and take a walk or put it down for the day, such is the reach of the author’s emotive pen.
This is not a book for enjoyment, though it is an important book.
It is raw and honest, and heartfelt.
*It contains many triggers, so read the blurb and approach with caution if you feel vulnerable.
This is the author’s story and all credit to her for having the courage, not only to write about her experiences, but to confront what are clearly some long buried demons.
This book is about grief, and grieving in all of its many and varied guises.
How it changes us. It is the thief that sneaks up when you least expect it, and wreaks havoc on the nervous system, on your very being, on life as you know it. It can be responsible for so much sudden... and sustained, chaos in your life.
It ruins and it rebuilds, and it hurts, and it hurts, and it hurts.
It is almost always cathartic.
When you learn that the death of a loved one is imminent, then your grieving can start long before, and endure long after that event, especially if it involves a lengthy illness.
This in itself can cause the sufferer so much more pain through the complications of other people’s perceptions and expectations of your experience.
Not all grief is about loss through the death of someone, though often it is the death of someone which is the prelude to the breakdown (or death) of so much more.
Grief is such a personal experience, unique to everyone, even shared grief is a unique experience for each of its sufferers, and nobody can ever know the extent of another’s grief...nor advise on its term of tenure.
Anything might trigger grief to revisit, you might think you are finally over it and moving on...then boom!
Because growth and change are not necessarily the same, and if growth and change are what is needed, then grief is your guest... because it always has its say.
This book is very moving on so many levels, and very personal, yet I believe there is much to be learned from delving into those depths, with an honest open mind and heart.
Many thanks to the Author and A&U for my copy to read and review.
November 1, 2020
This book was riveting. I read it one night. Literally could not go to sleep and put it down. The memoir is about being groomed as a young person, but where it really shines is in its exploration about how sexual predators know how to find vulnerable children to manipulate. I very much connected with Gemma's journey in attempting to deal with her trauma, and find a way to heal the hurt of betrayal from her parents. This read in part as a detective novel as Gemma attempts to make sense of her mother's actions in not stopping the abuse, and the effects of inter-generational trauma on families. This is a book that is going to stay with me for life.
August 29, 2021
Absolutely stunning. Read in one sitting, I could not escape the pull of Carey's writing which did not read at all like a memoir, rather a peverse blend of fiction and autobiography. The moments where Carey bluntly reminds the audience that these events did indeed unfold, left me speechless at times. The unflinching discussion of intergenerational trauma and familial abandonment were so unlike anything I had read before and I am so grateful that Carey was brave enough to lay her trauma bare for the audience to take what they needed and move forward in healing. I cannot recommend more highly.
September 14, 2022
It can be impossible to review some books because between their pages we find bits of ourselves and a review has no room for that. So - in general, this is a potentially valuable work for those struggling to find themselves as beings seperate from certain family events and individuals. It is a distinctly personal work, and will speak, I believe, to many. I learnt two things from it, one was something valuable about how time is different for those who have experienced trauma too young; and the second how healing involves accepting the feeling of always being a misfit and how to deal with that.
March 10, 2021
This book hurt my heart. Honest and thoughtful. Challenging and makes you think about trauma and how we process it. It lingered with me when I finished it.
October 8, 2020
Brutally honest and raw - I couldn’t put this down. I thought it was brilliant. I do believe that the author made many assumptions about her mother, but it’s her way of processing her experiences and so be it!
February 2, 2021
I devoured the first part, drawn in to the psychological exploration of a childhood trauma that the author had thought done with but raised its head again as the person who might give her the answers is dying from cancer. I railed against the second part and took much longer to finish this shorter section. I found the author’s didactic demands of her father hard to forgive, and so I struggled with the latter part of this worthy and entrancing memoir. All in all I recommend it.
January 12, 2021
I’m not sure what to say about this book. I understand that the writer didn’t want to describe her abuse in great detail but it seems that in trying to avoid that, she left out lots of pertinent information. It seemed like it was a very broad overview, and in fact it’s probably more a story of her mother. And she was incredibly vague about that as well. She imagines a story about her mother’s own abuse as a child but does not give any facts or evidence so I am confused as to where that story comes in. That is one thing I particularly dislike in memoirs - where the writer imagines what may have happened without giving any facts or evidence. I just find it a really annoying tic but that’s just a personal thing. An interesting read with much to think on nevertheless.
October 1, 2022
This book was, despite the subject matter, very readable. I wondered though whether anyone had any thoughts about Carey talking about withholding details from the audience about her abuse and abuser and not telling other people’s stories (which is a very valid stance to take and thoughtfully written about, and something I have thought about a lot as someone who reads about trauma a bit and who worries about books that function as something akin to ‘trauma porn’) but then going on to describe in detail the sexual acts preferred by her now dead mother and writing an entirely fictional account of her mother being sexually abused by a relative, that includes details of how her mother could have been raped using that sex act? It was a seeming contradiction that made me intensely uncomfortable.
February 27, 2022
My feelings are too complicated for a rating right now, but at this very moment I wish I had not read this book
December 23, 2020
What I love about Gemma Carey’s writing is the beautiful, devastating way that she makes the personal political and this memoir does not disappoint. She explicitly avoids gratuitous details of sexual abuse, using a fragmented, non-linear structure to draw the reader into the experience of living with trauma. Reading this book felt like going on a journey of deepening understanding with the author, as she adds layers of discovery about herself and the people in her life. In some ways this is a telling of a “new” phenomenon on online grooming, but Carey clearly situates this within the broader context of violence against women and girls and the social and cultural structures that enable it. I appreciate the way Carey tenderly, generously, but uncompromisingly questions the dichotomy of victim/perpetrator in excavating the relationship between herself and her mother and the reality of intergenerational trauma. Despite its heaviness, this is one of those “couldn’t put it down” books.
April 23, 2021
I've met the author a couple of times and we follow each other on twitter. I bought this memoire on Kindle recently and once I started, I couldn’t stop. I usually write notes on my blog about every book I read but this one made me double-check. It was only yesterday when talking to my students about developing a professional online presence and I mentioned how Gemma Carey had gone against the academic grain with her book that I realised how courageous she is in publishing this story. While it was far less courageous, B.F. Skinner took a similar approach decades ago and was admonished for writing a novel (Walden Two), despite its own type of brilliance.
I think the book is very courageous and has challenged my thinking on multiple levels. I don’t know where to go from here, but I suppose that is the importance of the book. After days of reflection, I am still at a loss as to “where to from here?” But I hope my perplexity honours the work sufficiently for now.
I think the book is very courageous and has challenged my thinking on multiple levels. I don’t know where to go from here, but I suppose that is the importance of the book. After days of reflection, I am still at a loss as to “where to from here?” But I hope my perplexity honours the work sufficiently for now.
December 18, 2020
I bought this book based on an interview I read; I was in the middle of writing my memoir and, although my sources of trauma were a little different to Gemma's, her messages spoke to me. On reading the book, I found that, although our stories are different in a narrative sense, in the impact, results and underpinning reasons they were pretty much identical. Gemma provides new insights into old problems which I have found most helpful in dealing with the ongoing issue of abuse and trauma.
The book is written in two parts, the first telling the story of abuse, and the second exploring the reasons behind how it was allowed to happen, which I found fascinating. Despite the heavy material, it was an easy read and Gemma has mastered the art in uncluttering the message. A praiseworthy book that I know will help others to find a pathway to some kind of resolution.
The book is written in two parts, the first telling the story of abuse, and the second exploring the reasons behind how it was allowed to happen, which I found fascinating. Despite the heavy material, it was an easy read and Gemma has mastered the art in uncluttering the message. A praiseworthy book that I know will help others to find a pathway to some kind of resolution.
March 13, 2024
.....📚 𝑩𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝑹𝒆𝒗𝒊𝒆𝒘 📚.....
No Matter Our Wreckage is the raw memoir by Gemma Carey that delves into her experience of being groomed as a 12 year old child by a man more than twice her age, and the further trauma caused by the knowledge her mother had known about it and had not acted to protect her daughter.
When Gemma was 33, her mother died after a year long battle with cancer. For 20 years her mother had known about the abuse her daughter experienced, yet Gemma never spoke to her mother about why she didn't stop the abuse and looks to family dynamics and her mothers history for answers. The authors blame of her mother for her silence and inaction is palpable and so raw that at times it was hard to read. This book focuses not just on the authors personal trauma but also on intergenerational trauma and the impact of silence in cases of grooming and abuse.
No Matter Our Wreckage is the raw memoir by Gemma Carey that delves into her experience of being groomed as a 12 year old child by a man more than twice her age, and the further trauma caused by the knowledge her mother had known about it and had not acted to protect her daughter.
When Gemma was 33, her mother died after a year long battle with cancer. For 20 years her mother had known about the abuse her daughter experienced, yet Gemma never spoke to her mother about why she didn't stop the abuse and looks to family dynamics and her mothers history for answers. The authors blame of her mother for her silence and inaction is palpable and so raw that at times it was hard to read. This book focuses not just on the authors personal trauma but also on intergenerational trauma and the impact of silence in cases of grooming and abuse.
November 9, 2020
- thanks to @allenandunwin for this #gifted copy!
Certain stories arrive in our lives with such impact that it would be impossible to ever forget about them; Gemma's story is one of them. But before I dive into this soul-touching memoir, I must say thank you first. Thank you, Gemma, from the bottom of my heart, for your bravery in sharing your story. Thank you, Allen and Unwin, for being so kind and generous and sending me a copy of this book. I will be forever grateful.
Reading this memoir was as challenging as it was rewarding. It was difficult to read certain passages -sometimes whole chapters- where the author delves into her personal experience with abuse: psychological, physical and emotional abuse by the hands of a man, and psychological and emotional abuse by her family, especially her mother. I cannot imagine the emotional effort of putting such a life story into words, trying to make the world understand what happened and why it happened, even when there are no answers.
The first half of this memoir explores grooming and the sexual abuse of a minor. It is raw, distressing and infuriating, to say the least. The second part explores the author's exhausting and toxic relationship with her mother, grief, loss, guilt and forgiveness. I appreciated the honesty in every single word, but especially when the author talks about forgiveness. We live in a world where we are always prompted to forgive and let go, so I was relieved to read the thoughts of another woman who does not think about forgiveness in such an unrealistic way.
Gemma's memoir is not for entertainment, even though it was utterly gripping, and I read it in one sitting because I could not put it away once I had started. Reading her story made me angry, frustrated and sad, but mostly contemplative and reflective - it is doubtlessly food for thought.
Overall, No Matter Our Wreckage is a book I encourage everyone to read. Although emotionally challenging and intense, Gemma does an extraordinary work at exploring nerve-wracking matters such as abuse and grief, through straight-forward and brilliant writing. Personal, moving and imperative: please read it.
Certain stories arrive in our lives with such impact that it would be impossible to ever forget about them; Gemma's story is one of them. But before I dive into this soul-touching memoir, I must say thank you first. Thank you, Gemma, from the bottom of my heart, for your bravery in sharing your story. Thank you, Allen and Unwin, for being so kind and generous and sending me a copy of this book. I will be forever grateful.
Reading this memoir was as challenging as it was rewarding. It was difficult to read certain passages -sometimes whole chapters- where the author delves into her personal experience with abuse: psychological, physical and emotional abuse by the hands of a man, and psychological and emotional abuse by her family, especially her mother. I cannot imagine the emotional effort of putting such a life story into words, trying to make the world understand what happened and why it happened, even when there are no answers.
The first half of this memoir explores grooming and the sexual abuse of a minor. It is raw, distressing and infuriating, to say the least. The second part explores the author's exhausting and toxic relationship with her mother, grief, loss, guilt and forgiveness. I appreciated the honesty in every single word, but especially when the author talks about forgiveness. We live in a world where we are always prompted to forgive and let go, so I was relieved to read the thoughts of another woman who does not think about forgiveness in such an unrealistic way.
Gemma's memoir is not for entertainment, even though it was utterly gripping, and I read it in one sitting because I could not put it away once I had started. Reading her story made me angry, frustrated and sad, but mostly contemplative and reflective - it is doubtlessly food for thought.
Overall, No Matter Our Wreckage is a book I encourage everyone to read. Although emotionally challenging and intense, Gemma does an extraordinary work at exploring nerve-wracking matters such as abuse and grief, through straight-forward and brilliant writing. Personal, moving and imperative: please read it.
October 10, 2020
It is very hard to write a review about a book like this, a memoir which is so raw and thought provoking. I found myself not wanting to put it down.
The way Gemma tells her story and her attempt to learn about her emotions and behaviour through research and quotes from authors really resonated with me. Wanting to know the answers and how to get through difficult times but also learning that emotions are valid and you are having them for a reason.
I look forward to reading more of Gemma’s work
The way Gemma tells her story and her attempt to learn about her emotions and behaviour through research and quotes from authors really resonated with me. Wanting to know the answers and how to get through difficult times but also learning that emotions are valid and you are having them for a reason.
I look forward to reading more of Gemma’s work
December 24, 2023
Some moments of such sharp, achingly relatable and devastating emotional acuity and complexity, especially in her trying to understand her mother and her failure to protect her young daughter from immense harm. I commend the author so much for the thoughtfulness and depth that so much of this book contains. But I do think, as a piece of writing, it could’ve become much stronger from at least another layer of editing and cutting down, since so much of it feels repetitive and more diaristic near the end.
March 12, 2025
I genuinely admire Gemma’s courage in writing about her terrible experience. It’s easy for people to overlook the complexities of each situation and to judge, blame, and express opinions without full understanding. As an educated and mature woman, the author chose not to settle for those easy judgments. Instead, she delved into her past and sought out any information she could find, no matter how fragmentary, to gain understanding, form her own judgments, and come to terms with herself. I would rate her work four and a half stars.
October 4, 2025
I would give a 2.5 star.
I felt the book started out strongly but deteriorated. The book was at its strongest talking about her childhood experience but deteriorated as she explored her adult relationships with family members. A literary device of making up a story about her mother being abused did not fit well with a book based on valuing a truthful and real narrative nor respecting the privacy of other people’s stories. Additionally as the book unfolded I found the narrator voice to be increasingly unappealing and this interfered with my connection with the narrator and her story.
I felt the book started out strongly but deteriorated. The book was at its strongest talking about her childhood experience but deteriorated as she explored her adult relationships with family members. A literary device of making up a story about her mother being abused did not fit well with a book based on valuing a truthful and real narrative nor respecting the privacy of other people’s stories. Additionally as the book unfolded I found the narrator voice to be increasingly unappealing and this interfered with my connection with the narrator and her story.
November 1, 2020
A beautifully written biography of a woman, who at age 12, was sexually molested by a man twice her age. She later learns that he mother knew it was happening but failed to intervene. She learns that her mother was probably assaulted as well in her youth, and her family swept it under the rug. The mother later develops an agressive form of breast cancer that impacts, in major ways on the family. This story is poignant, complex and thoroughly deserving of a prominent place on any bookshelf.
September 3, 2020
Could not more strongly recommend this book. It’s a beautifully evocative story of trauma, grief, resilience and finding one’s value in the face of it all. Essential reading for those wanting to understand the experience of trauma.
October 10, 2020
“I do not have the right to do others damage because I want the truth”
This hits home, the context of this statement makes sense and is heart breaking all at once
From finding family when you feel alone, to being alone to being your own family
This hits home, the context of this statement makes sense and is heart breaking all at once
From finding family when you feel alone, to being alone to being your own family
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