Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School

by Michelle Icard

The fourteen essential conversations to have with your tween and early teenager to prepare them for the emotional, physical, and social challenges ahead, including scripts and advice to keep the communication going and stay connected during this critical developmental window.

Trying to convince a middle schooler to listen to you can be exasperating. Indeed, it can feel like the best option is not to talk! But keeping kids safe--and prepared for all the times when you can't be the angel on their shoulder--is about having the right conversations at the right time. From a brain growth and emotional readiness perspective, there is no better time for this than their tween years, right up to when they enter high school.

Distilling Michelle Icard's decades of experience working with families, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen focuses on big, thorny topics such as friendship, sexuality, impulsivity, and technology, as well as unexpected conversations about creativity, hygiene, money, privilege, and contributing to the family. Icard outlines a simple, memorable, and family-tested formula for the best approach to these essential talks, the BRIEF Model: Begin peacefully, Relate to your child, Interview to collect information, Echo what you're hearing, and give Feedback. With wit and compassion, she also helps you get over the most common hurdles in talking to tweens, including:

- What phrases invite connection and which irritate kids or scare them off
- The best places, times, and situations in which to initiate talks
- How to keep kids interested, open, and engaged in conversation
- How to exit these chats in a way that keeps kids wanting more

Like a Rosetta Stone for your tween's confounding language, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen is an essential communication guide to helping your child through the emotional, physical, and social challenges ahead and, ultimately, toward teenage success.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Self Help, Family, Psychology, Education

320 pages, Hardcover

Published February 23, 2021

Reviews

[H (trying to keep up with GR friends) Balikov · Rating 4 out of 5]

While we may disagree with Icard on which talks are essential and when to have them, most of us agree that certain serious conversations need to occur if we are to be able to share important information and provide the opportunity to talk in the future when “things” happen.


Here are Icard’s fourteen:
Talking About Your Parent-Child Relationship
Talking About Independence
Talking About Changing Friendships
Talking About Creativity
Talking About Taking Care of Yourself
Talking About Fairness
Talking About Technology
Talking About Criticism
Talking About Hard Work
Talking About Money
Talking About Sexuality
Talking About Reputations
Talking About Impulsivity
Talking About Helping Others

Her methodology varies slightly from talk to talk but it is consistent:
Begin peacefully
Relate to your kid
Interview to collect data
Echo what you hear
Provide feedback that shows that you are listening, contains empathy and rapport before you try to influence.

This book is a useful read that many will choose to “pull down from the shelf” when a particular topic emerges. Even where I found that I intended to go in a slightly different direction, the author’s point of view was helpful.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

The biggest take-away I learned from this book is that as kids grow older, parents become less of a manager (telling kids what to do) and more of an assistant manager (talking tween/teen through choices and decisions). The parent's job is to listen and help the child make decisions that are best for their health and happiness. There is less telling your tween/teen what to do and more talking through their decisions.

Very helpful and practical book that encourages open and honest communication between parent and child.

[Erika · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good news: your tween is not a sociopathic ingrate who wants nothing to do with you! They just have a lot going on! This book Is essential reading for any parent of tweens (ages 10-14). Seriously. It normalizes all of your fears and teaches how to sustain and cultivate a relationship with your kid through the toughest years of development. Reading this book gave me hope that we will get through this and the skills to make it happen. All topics are covered including technology, sex, empathy, money, hard work, dealing with criticism and more. I found the "conversation crashers" especially helpful (and, yes, even this licensed therapist has crashed conversations with my tweens.) Highly recommend. And godspeed.

[Laura Frunza · Rating 5 out of 5]

14 conversații până la 14 ani de Michelle Icard este o lectură obligatorie pentru părinții de copii de gimnaziu.

Eu, deși o am în casă de ceva timp, am reușit abia acum s-o citesc, când fiica mea cea mare a sărit pragul de 14 ani. Dar am avut atât de multe momente „aha” încât pot spune cu mâna pe suflet că e valoroasă la orice vârstă a copilului care încă mai locuiește cu tine (până și inclusiv la liceu).

Cartea abordează multe subiecte pe care ar trebui să le discutăm cu copiii noștri și nu doar atât, ci prezintă și unghiul potrivit din care putem aborda un subiect care, surpriză, s-ar putea să nu fie mereu cel pe care îl considerăm noi corect.

Eu chiar am luat cartea, i-am arătat-o fiicei mele și i-am spus: uite, am citit asta aici și aș vrea să discutăm despre acest subiect. Deocamdată am făcut asta de două ori (am discutat despre conflicte și despre conceptul de „cel mai bun prieten”), dar cu siguranță voi mai aduce în discuție cartea și cu alte ocazii (și i-am însemnat și niște pasaje pe care vreau să le citească ea).

Cele paisprezece conversații sunt despre:

Cum să vorbești despre relația voastră părinte-copil
Cum să vorbești despre independență
Cum să vorbești despre prieteniile schimbătoare
Cum să vorbești despre creativitate
Cum să vorbești despre a avea grijă de tine
Cum să vorbești despre corectitudine
Cum să vorbești despre tehnologie
Cum să vorbești despre critică
Cum să vorbești despre munca asiduă
Cum să vorbești despre bani
Despre sexualitate
Cum să vorbești despre reputații
Cum să vorbești despre impulsivitate
Cum să vorbești despre a-i ajuta pe alții

[Christine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had a lot of information that was terrific and great for parents. I had a problem with the fictional conversations. I found them very staged and unnatural, as my kids would say cringeworthy. I can't imagine talking to them in that manner. Plus I found it ironic that the Feedback part was usually very long and not so BRIEF! I found the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen Listen So Kids Will Talk does a much better job of how to talk with children and teens.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7...

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a fantastic tool for getting through the middle school years. It really got me thinking, and I will continue to use it as a reference. This is one to purchase, not borrow.

[Arlie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yeah this is pretty good. Acknowledges systemic and racial injustices in child rearing. Acknowledges gender and sexuality. Doesn't really touch on disability or neurodivergence. Has a couple cringe instances of copaganda and using the word "tribe" appropriatively (tho she changes to "village" toward the end of the book). The lessons and insights felt mostly correct, but I'll approach them more cautiously given those red flags.

I took extensive notes and am already applying lessons to talking with my kid.

Thank you for recording an audiobook.


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Notes from each chapter

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1. Parent child relationship, and how to use the BRIEF model of interaction. B begin peaceably. R relate to kid. I interview for data. E echo what you heard. F offer feedback.

2. Independence and how to become your kid's assistant manager. How can I support you in safe unsupervised exploration?

3. Changing friendships and how to encourage boundaries, dignity, choice and exploration, and to avoid burning bridges.

4. Creativity including supporting their small business attempts and fails, asking building questions then stepping back. Creative social media feels good while passive social media can have a negative effect.

5. Taking care of yourself includes hygiene, nutrition, self care, sleep, mental health, risky substances, suicide and self harm. Parent job is to help solve problems. Bring up topics briefly and often.

6. Fairness, equality, and equity are subjective and personal feelings very important to adolescents. Kid might have different understanding of fairness than you. Don't give equal, give tools needed to succeed. Active listening, clear definitions expectations, curiosity, defining what growth looks like, team mentality.


7. Technology changes so take adaptive approach. Set limits but don't take away phone. Ask kid to research & report on new apps. Teach you and decide together if it's safe. Ok to say yes, let's try it but agree to stop if it impacts life negatively.

8. Criticism and feedback are hard. Ask how kid wants to deal with it, don't fix it yourself, shame, exhaust, expect perfection. Focus feedback on strengths. What are you best at, what strengths could help here, what worked before? Constructive not destructive. Don't interview for pain like a frenemy.

9. Hard work feels subjective and separate from results. Find kid's motivation: internal/external and positive/negative.

Hyperfocus and perfectionism burnout from prolonged stress can lower immunity, increase substance use, emotional isolation, cynicism. Let kid stop.

Winning vs growing season. The seed you plant today is not the fruit you eat today. Some people born on 3rd base think they hit a triple.

Parallel work, celebrate small wins, chunk work, milestones, count getting up not falling, praise attitude, take breaks, share good and bad.

Worth is not dependent on success.

10. Money is unfair and a huge systemic intergenerational barrier. Don't be an asshole. Brand loyalty can signal belonging when kids feel awkward in bodies.

Establish purchasing wait periods. $5 = 5 mins, $100 = 1 week. Regret. Marketing strategies. Emotions. How will you feel after you spend this money? Cravings: Why do you want to spend this? When, how long do spending cravings last?

11. Sexuality is important to bring up briefly and often not all at once. Consent, power, health and safety, happiness, fulfilment. Parents should be more specific and collaborative (listen) in safety talks.

Pornography exposure around age 11, and active searching by age 14. Some good books to get for the kid are: For Goodness Sex; Sexploitation; Queer; Girls and Sex; Respect.

Practice saying no when caught off guard. 9/10 kids lie instead of saying no.

Don't body shame. Sexy dress can catch eye of crush, but also eye of creep. Not your fault or responsibility but be aware and prepared. You look grown up, maybe so grown up you'll get reactions from adults that might make you uncomfortable. Let's talk and you decide what to do.

Be specific, provide collaborative guidance, no shame, establish guidelines for physical, emotional, and time/attention. Labels are ok and can change. Be supportive, not dismissive or judgmental.

12. Reputation includes discussion of systemic racism where white kids can rebel in ways that are unsafe for Black and brown kids. Find ways to have good rule breaking.

How to have present self do favor for future self when kids are egocentric and present centric.

Kids lie to protect friends, avoid consequences, keep privacy. Avoid putting kid in position to lie.

If world got too big, make it smaller with clear path for growth and to earn back trust and privileges (including meaningful difficult conversations). Be patient non judgmental listener

Reputation management: gossip, do you have all the info? Only talk with trusted family friends. Is mental physical health at risk? Mistakes are opportunity to apologize: explain mistake, acknowledge who you hurt and how, explain what you'd do differently, accept consequences.

Nudes are going to come up. 2018 journal of association of pediatrics reported 14.8% if kids sent and 27.4% received nudes.

Prep what to say if you or friend is asked. Practice saying no if caught off guard. Curious is okay, curious isn't ready. Revenge, social consequences, delete if someone sends. Support victim / target.

13. Impulsivity can be mitigated by encouraging critical thinking without shame, and thinking about how kid makes decisions. Which situations benefit from restraint and forethought, and which benefit from bravery and spontaneity? Kids do better when they understand what drives behaviour.

Was mistake because you wanted it or because you didn't stop to think? Differentiate between sensation seeking and impulsivity. Find safe adventure.

This is the chapter with copaganda. Kinda weird and off base to use cops as an example of growing from impulsivity.

14. Helping others is difficult when adolescents are egocentric and reasonably afraid of bullies focusing on them. Upstander vs bystander. At minimum, smile and talk with target / victim. Others may join if you speak up.

The book ends with a heads up about kids pulling away around the holidays, reiterating the need to make plans collaboratively, and to make use of your "village" in child rearing. Expect mistakes and teach your kid to say "oh well" and move forward.

There is a Facebook group that doesn't seem very active despite having many members.

[Corinne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this ended up being 3.75 stars? It started off very strong for me but then I found some of the examples or even some of the parenting principles the author espouses bumped up against mine or didn't feel relevant, but it came together again and I think that this is a book where you need to take what works for you and leave the rest behind and there is plenty to take away here and I have been using some of the prompts and principles already so that's a win for sure.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars with extra credit for making me feel like things will be okay. ;)

I think I read this a few years too late, as my daughter is months away from 14 and nearing the end of her middle school years. Yet, it did help me find some relief in knowing that some of her behaviors and the way she interacts are developmentally normal, to be expected, and can even be a good sign that she is maturing as she should.

The conversation examples all felt clunky and awkward, and I don’t think a real life conversation with my daughter (or many teen/tweens for that matter) would play out the way they did in the book.

On the other hand, the “conversation crashers” are terrific and useful. I plan to skim back over those before returning the book to the library.

[Travis Bow · Rating 2 out of 5]

I started out excited about this book - it seemed to have some solid practical advice for talking to tweens and staying connected as they start to pull away and enter adolescence. The BRIEF model (Begin peaceably, Relate, Interview for data, Echo what you heard, offer Feedback) is a useful way to remember to empathize and understand first. Some of the early chapters had some solid nuggets (practical strategies for tolerating and getting to know your kids' friends or encouraging creativity, good hygiene, and independent exploration).

Things started to get sketchy around the technology section, which had some good advice on how to talk about technology use, but a pretty strong stance that phones and social media are fine for 11-14 year olds and that they should be able to use them as much as they want as long as their other duties are met. I think this is a bad idea; I have a hard enough time self-regulating phone and social media use as an adult, and don't think 11-14 is a good time to throw that into the mix for kids.

Chapters on teaching your kid to deal with criticism and feedback was decent (don't "fix" it for your kid or tell them anyone who criticizes them is stupid; teach them how to deal with and learn from it instead).

Things really started to diverge around the money, sexuality, reputation, lying, helping others, etc. You would think that these sections would involve ethics or morality, but the author avoids ever saying something is right or wrong, instead framing everything in terms of what might be useful or non-useful for your kid. For example:

Don't tell your kid that pornography is forbidden or wrong or even that it exploits others, just focus on how it could potentially impact their future enjoyment of sex.

Don't tell them that lying is wrong or even punish them for lies, just explain that it makes it harder for you to trust them when you find out about a lie and could affect their future reputation if word gets out.

Don't encourage them to stand up for others unless doing so is risk-free.

Don't forbid your 11-14 year old from sexy dressing, just have a chat with them explaining that it could bring attention from adults that they may not enjoy, then let them dress how they want.

This perspective - that your job is to protect your kid from physical or emotional danger, but not to help them form a moral compass or learn to be selfless and loving - is so far from my worldview as a Christian that it's hard to take seriously and eroded my trust in what were probably some good and useful bits of advice sprinkled throughout.

[Union County Library · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a must read for any parent with a 10 to 14 year old. The statistics are alarming and as parents we need to be on the top of our game. Yes, our teens are egocentric and present centric only right now. Their prefrontal cortex is the manager and it is not even IN the building until age 25. Tweens and teens read facial expressions with only 50% accuracy until age 25. The average age a child looks for pornography is 14. There is so much more but the BRIEF method (discussed in the summary) along with learning to step back as manager as a parent are the big takeaways. Our tweens and teens need assistant managers and our help in walking through and living with their choices and decisions. The BRIEF method helps us get through those conversations in the best way possible. This book had so much information and really made me think about messages we send as parents intended or otherwise. The chapter on reputation was a favorite of mine and her descriptions were spot on. Parents friends with children in this age group, you need this book!

Another book that guides conversations with your child is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber Adele and Elaine Mazlish.

- Reviewed by Kimberly B. (UCL Volunteer)

[Erin Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love Michelle Icard. She really brings a common-sense approach to all things teen.

[Sarah McMane · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was great. Good reminders about important conversations. It was validating in many ways, but also helpful in giving me ideas about how and when to talk about certain issues. I told my kids I was reading it, and they were both like, “Tell us! What conversations do we need to have?” I said, “Well, I’m not sure we’ve discussed porn,” and my son said, “Great! Let’s talk above porn!” 😂 This led to an interesting discussion about sending nude pictures, and I was horrified to learn that they know 6th graders (!!) who’ve done this, but happy to hear they think that’s outrageous and would never consider sending or asking for them. So, like I said, good reminders of what parents need to talk about with their kids. The author has a good easy style and a sense of humor, so that’s also a plus.

[Ana Porumbaceanu · Rating 5 out of 5]

O carte excelenta pentru parintii de adolescenti care nu au curaj sa vorbeasca cu ei sau nu reusesc sa-i aduca intr-o discutie.
Cartea abunda de exemple concrete - cum sa incepi, ce sa spui, cum sa spui, cum sa setezi asteptari concrete si cu respect fata de adolescentul tau.

O recomand cu mare drag, e pretioasa in bibiloteca oricarui parinte.

[Crizzle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Too bad this is from the library - a lot of highlight-worthy stuff!

[Lelena Graham · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s a solid book. Great advice but seems to common sense to me. I was hoping to gain something but honestly I’ve had all these conversations with my teen without this book.

[Jocelyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

My take aways:

Let’s think creatively and find a solution.

They may not have one friend who is all things to them. Having different friends who feel different needs can be good.

Food, the best thing you can do is teach self regulation

It’s all about balance with technology

Money, teach gratitude, how marketing works, the emotions of spending

Teach permission before touching someone’s things, hands to yourself

Increase freedom

Guard kids private mistakes

If they overthink things to the point of missing out on opportunities, encourage a little flexibility and even impulsivity

Build pro social behavior : helping, sharing and comforting

And my favorite: Empathy ties closely with grit. Great, the ability to trust yourself to get through challenges, as learned by tuning into your inner voice. That voice is nurtured through parental empathy.

[Kelsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this. Practical, relevant, and immediately implementable. I don’t usually remember what acronyms mean but BRIEF makes sense, was well explained, and I have already started using it. A resource I will keep close at hand as I head into the teenage years. I’ve already recommended this book several times. Bottom line: if you have a tween or teen read this book.

[C.M. Savage · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to a library audiobook. This is one I’m going to buy a paperback of, though, so I can go back and reference certain parts.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Libby Kindle. I can’t say this any louder: IF YOU HAVE A RISING 6th GRADER, READ THIS BOOK! And if you already have a middle schooler, read this book now. I bookmarked something in every chapter. And I like that she addresses screen time and social media.

[Jamie Gillespie · Rating 4 out of 5]

The biggest takeaways for myself out of this book was hearing the different ways to respond to certain situations as a parent, which will hopefully help you and your teen have better conversations instead of arguments. Wishful thinking but here’s to hoping!

[Katie T. · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my top parenting books. A must read for parents of kids at any age. IMO, the earlier, the better. Lots of great topics and questions to keep in mind as your kids grow and learn.

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took me a long time to read this one (nonfiction isn't usually my jam, so it's not necessarily a reflection on the specific book itself). There wasn't anything too revelationary in it, but I liked the acronym used throughout - BRIEF (Begin peacefully, Relate, Interview for data, Echo what you heard, offer Feedback) - as a way to structure any conversation. Some of the scripts of sample conversations were obviously imaginary scripts... I feel like a lot of them were how things would go in a perfect world with a very agreeable child. There were a few parts where Icard acknowledged that the conversation YOU have might not sound like this... But there wasn't a ton of discussion of what to do if your tween is really difficult. I guess the whole point is to have conversations and relate to them and be peaceful so that you don't HAVE to deal with difficult, combative conversations. Lay the foundation to avoid problems later. Dealing with difficult behaviors would be a whole different book. It was interesting to read her thoughts on becoming more of a sounding board/coach than a manager as your kid gets older... Obviously that makes sense; they have to develop independence at some point. But my son is only 10, so I feel like we're not quite ready to have the kinds of conversations where I'm gently guiding him pretty hands-off yet... But maybe this will remind me to put more ownership in his hands as we move through the next few years.

Highlights

"the adolescent brain begins to prune away information it deems unnecessary, starting around the age of eleven. It decides what to trim based on what it is and is not using. This means you’ve got to start practicing ways to have balanced, thoughtful, rational conversations early and often so that skill gets cemented in your child’s brain."

"It would be fantastic if your child would respond to their new environment with a sense of caution, a healthy dose of critical analysis, the right balance of curiosity and skepticism, and a clearheaded sense of self. Alas, growing up is the process of developing these skills. Without the opportunity to practice, kids won’t ever learn how. Your child’s brain, at around age eleven, begins to make the fundamental changes it needs to become an adult brain, but it takes a good ten to fourteen years thereafter to solidify these changes. Patience is key for both of you. During this time, the prefrontal cortex—responsible for critical thinking, problem solving, reading facial expressions, and analyzing risk, among other things—takes a break."

"you are an extra set of eyes and ears and a pair of helping hands, but that your child needs to practice increased responsibility and decision making, in order to become a great manager. You will do your best to inform their decision making, values, and character, but ultimately you’re…just an assistant."

"adults use their prefrontal cortex to read facial expressions, whereas teens use their amygdala, the part of the brain that houses emotions and helps decide how to respond to them: for instance, by triggering fight, flight, or freeze responses to fear. The shift to using the prefrontal cortex to interpret facial expressions doesn’t happen until the early to midtwenties."

"Pretend you are a celebrity on a late-night talk show who has been so overly Botoxed you can’t move your forehead at all. You will feel like a robot. A Stepford Parent. If you do, you’re doing it right. [...] You may feel it’s unkind to convey a lack of emotion, but your tween will see this as freeing—you’re not judging them at all. The more you practice Botox brow, the more your tween will open up to you, knowing that you provide a safe, neutral zone for talking things out."

"Appear disinterested. You may remember when your child was little that the moment you sat down with a hot cup of coffee, picked up a book, or started chatting with a friend…your kid needed a snack. Middle schoolers are similarly drawn to you when you are least available. For this reason, I suggest appearing less interested when you want to talk more."

"For example, if your tween snaps at you for not packing the right kind of sandwich in their lunch, you might say something like, “Hmm, I’m not even sure how to respond to that. I’ll get back to you in a few hours once I’ve had time to think.” The idea that you would not snap back, and that you would go off to consider your next move, should frighten your kid right out of their selfish stupor."

"Parents often say their best conversations happen in the car, at least before cell phones and headphones took over this space. In fact, if you haven’t already established your phone rules, you might consider making the car a phone-free zone to encourage better talks. Whether riding in the car, playing video games, biking, or cooking together, kids tend to open up when they multitask. [...] Boys especially seem to respond better when they are busy with an activity, so put something in their hands or get moving when you feel like talking."

"Tweens like to drag some conversations out simply for the thrill of the debate. At around age eleven, your child’s brain makes a shift from thinking only in concrete ways, to beginning to entertain hypotheticals. This makes middle schoolers natural debaters, albeit pretty awful ones. When your child disagrees with you, they tend to either a) reach an illogical conclusion first and then cram a bunch of ill-fitting evidence in later to support their decision, or b) go on the attack in an attempt to make you defend your position."

"When it comes to your immediate safety, I’m still in charge. I have to make sure you don’t make any mistakes that could put you in permanent danger. But when it comes to figuring other things out, from friends to schoolwork and all the stuff in between, I’m like your support staff…your assistant manager. I know that sometimes you’ll make choices that will make you proud, and sometimes you’ll make choices that will leave you with regret. That’s normal. This isn’t about making perfect choices all the time. It’s about you learning to make the choices that you feel best about and I’m here to help you think through it all. Just keep me posted so I can help in whatever way you need."

"In early adolescence, your relationship with your child should mature and will benefit from you making space for conversations that are simple and carefree, not always teachable moments. A good path toward mutual respect is prioritizing pleasant conversations."

"Giving kids more independence in their tween years keeps them safer than clamping down ever could. Tweens need practice to learn what’s safe and how to cope with new people, places, and situations. [...] Adolescents seek independence in two ways: by isolating themselves from their family, and/or by exploring their community without supervision."

"Tweens need limits. They shouldn’t feel arbitrary to your child, because that feeling can lead to unsafe rebellion. When it’s time to say no, give your child reasons why and, more important, concrete ways your kid can show you they are ready for more responsibility and freedom."

"Your kid doesn’t need to be friends with (or friendly to) everyone, but everyone deserves to be treated with dignity. If you’re not familiar with author Rosalind Wiseman’s work with teens through her Cultures of Dignity website, check out her distinction between dignity and respect. Wiseman teaches teens that respect is earned (and let’s face it—not all kids earn respect from each other), but that dignity is inherent to being human."

"Be careful not to set your child up for failure by expecting their friendships, or the friends themselves, to be perfect. Instead, discuss the value in connecting with different people to meet different needs. Best Friend doesn’t have to be an exclusive title at the top of the pyramid. It can be an inner-circle level of friendship reached by those who’ve put in the time and built the trust to be there."

"When someone controls who their partner is friends with, it’s a red flag for power abuse in a relationship. You don’t want your future teen to think this is normal because they heard it from you first. Instead of banning a person, you can restrict certain activities with someone."

"It’s time for your child to develop their emotional vocabulary and you can support this by asking your child how certain people, or certain interactions, make them feel. This is a great starter step to them identifying what to look for in a friend, as you can begin to recognize patterns like “I notice you seem happiest with friends who are introverted/extroverted/creative/curious/well-mannered/spontaneous. Does that seem true to you?”"

"Only 1 percent of friendships formed in seventh grade last until twelfth grade. Remind tweens that learning how to talk with new people and being open to new experiences will benefit them more down the road than finding a soul mate at age twelve. [...] Help kids see that they may not have one friend who is all things to them. Having different friends who fill different needs can be just as satisfying."

"Between ages twelve and sixteen boys gain fifty to sixty pounds on average. Between the ages of ten and fourteen girls gain forty to fifty pounds on average."

"It’s key to remind your tween that the online world is actually real and the same rules apply to both. Writing a personal statement is a nice way to ground yourself. Have family members list five to ten things they want people to believe about them. For example, I might write: I want people to believe I am creative, kind, funny, trustworthy, and fair. This list becomes a guide for how I interact online. Before I post a comment, or ignore when someone is being teased online, I ask myself: does what I’m doing now online show people what I want them to believe about me?"

"Stay on top of all your schoolwork. If you don’t have anything that’s due, I’d like to see you reading for thirty minutes minimum at home. Move your body. That’s easy on days you have practice. But when you don’t, you should get forty-five minutes of activity any way you want—walk the dog, ride your bike, play outside, anything. Help around the house. We count on your contribution, so every day do something to help out. We can talk more about how this could look. Spend time with friends in real life. I know you are with friends on your phone, but there is no substitution for hanging out face-to-face. I am happy to make that happen in some way, on the weekends. Kids can come here or I can drive you somewhere. Tech-free time. I’m not a phone hater, but certain times are so much nicer without them and this rule applies to me, too! No phones at the table, during car rides, and during special family activities makes it so much easier to enjoy each other. Plus, no phone thirty minutes before bedtime so you can wind down. If you can check off all these things, then you’re living a balanced life, and I see no reason to put a time limit on the phone use. If not, we will need to be stricter about how you use the phone. I’ll use balance as the scale to measure your success."

"Constructive criticism is intended to help you improve. Destructive criticism is intended to make you feel bad."

"In other words, and these aren’t my words, but this is an aphorism I’ve come to love: “Don’t accept criticism from someone you wouldn’t ever go to for advice.”"

"You’ve probably noticed you are most successful when you enjoy a task and also experience a high level of proficiency at that task. I know I learn the most about the stuff I love the most. Conversely, when you feel like you’re already not good at something, you’re slower to pick up tips and tricks for improvement, even when they are carefully explained. When you talk with a child about their strengths, new neurons and connections bloom in abundance. When you focus your feedback on what went wrong, the brain processes that criticism as a threat and shuts down new growth. Put simply, focusing on weakness causes learning to freeze."

"If you’re not sure how to respond, imagine this is your coworker confiding in you. They need an opportunity to complain to you about their boss, and for you to listen as long as it takes to get it off their chest. Usually, they don’t even want advice. Never do they want you to call their boss to fix it."

"They’re starting to build those three things they need to become adults: an adult body, an adult brain, and an adult identity. It’s not the kind of hard work that parents get excited about, but it still is seriously hard work. I’m extra empathetic to the effort this takes, and maybe a little preachy about extending kids this age more mercy, patience, and recognition for the kind of hard work they’re doing that we can’t see."

"success and happiness are not limited resources. There is more than enough to go around, and neither bitterness nor resentment will help expand yours."

"The saying “Some people are born on third base thinking they hit a triple” is a relatable way to talk with kids about how the luck and fortune of the circumstances you inherit at birth impact you throughout life."

"Explain to your tween the four types of motivation (internal positive, internal negative, external positive, and external negative) so they can come to a better understanding of what motivates them now, and how they’d like to be inspired in the future."

"Wanting something is its own form of entertainment, and it creates a sense of urgency, but you are in control of your money. Don’t let your excitement make you think you have to act quickly. Take your time. Take a deep breath and wait awhile before you decide to spend the money you worked hard for."

"Retrain impulsiveness by asking your child their opinion on reasonable wait periods before spending, with suggested longer times for bigger amounts. Kids benefit from a high-level understanding of how marketing and advertising work. Tracking expenses, even as early as middle school, can show how multiple trips to the food court can add up. As your tween learns more about financial responsibility, make sure they understand the nuances of other people’s situations and their right to make choices for themselves without judgment."

"In terms of building a reputation, think of it like starting a bank account. Your Reputation Savings Account starts with a zero balance. When you do something that adds to your good reputation, it’s like putting money in the bank. When you do something that subtracts from your good reputation, it’s like withdrawing money from the bank. People will look at the balance of your savings account to make decisions about you in the future."

"“When people think of you, what three things do you hope come to mind?” Explain that you’re not looking for adjectives like funny or athletic to describe what they can do, but traits that describe who they are on a deeper level. Whatever traits they pick—reliable, trustworthy, generous, loyal, kind, open-minded—those will be a touchstone for them throughout their life. Once they know the kind of person they want to be, they can use those words as a benchmark to help respond to the hard situations that are peppered throughout early adolescence."

"Knowing why kids lie can help you determine how to have conversations about honesty. Sometimes, kids lie to protect a friend or to spare someone’s feelings. Sometimes, it’s because a parent’s rules feel arbitrary or unfair. Sometimes, it’s an impulse toward protecting themselves from consequences. Often, it’s just because kids are aging into a deeper, and normal, need for privacy and don’t want to reveal everything to their parents. If you can get to the root of why your child lies, you can have more productive and analytical conversations, rather than repeatedly professing “You should never, ever lie.”"

"In general, my philosophy is that kids should be given the opportunity to take risks and learn from them, until or unless they do something that becomes dangerous to their long-term well-being."

"You’re not saying it’s wrong to be interested, just that too many things can and will go wrong. Incidentally, people are always curious about things before they’re ready for them. I may be curious about outer space, but I’m not competent to go there!"

"Your whole life, you’re going to come across people who cause problems for you. The best thing you can do is pause before you act out of anger. If you do this, you give yourself time to think of the best response, not the first response. If you start practicing now, you’ll thank yourself when you’re great at it in high school."

"Impulsivity during adolescence is a result of one of two things: the inability to delay gratification (which gets increasingly better over time), or the drive to try new things (which peaks at around age sixteen for girls, and nineteen for boys). Tweens and teens should be given the opportunity to experience new situations independently. The surge of dopamine that comes from “sensation seeking” actually helps the teen brain develop and become capable of handling more complicated experiences."

"Kids can be prosocial when they feel confident, safe, and secure themselves, and most early adolescents don’t feel this way. As you continue to support your child, you’ll strengthen their ability to think outside of themselves. Developing compassion for others starts with self-kindness."

"Kids need to learn grit, but they also need to hear from us that they can stop something when they realize it doesn’t feel safe or right."

"People generally need three types of help: 1. Instrumental need: assisting someone with an action they can’t do on their own. This might look like holding open the door for someone when their arms are full. 2. Unmet material desire need: realizing that not everyone has the same resources and trying to rectify the distribution. This could mean making sure each person has gotten a slice of pizza before piling your plate full. 3. Emotional distress need: recognizing when someone is experiencing distressing emotions and attempting to soothe them. This might look like sitting next to your child when they’re stressing out over a project and offering encouragement. In response to these three categories of need, Dunfield has identified that the three ways to be prosocial are helping, sharing, and comforting."

[Susan Griggs · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is perfect for me because I am a parent of a 13-year-old. Basically, I had nine months to take Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School by Michelle Icard off my wish list and onto my reading list. So, I am the perfect candidate.

First, I liked this book because it was practical. Lots of good nuggets came out of this one, like, why, when I endlessly nag my teenager she needs to manage her self-care, does she still come downstairs with hair a mess, unbrushed teeth and a field of acne on her face? Or why does my teenager go upstairs to her room and stay up there for hours?

Thankfully, my daughter is easy to parent, so most of the advice that tackles the important and difficult conversations deals with the typical unresponsive and challenging preteens and teenagers. Even so, I was able to practice the conversation examples Icard provided throughout the book and try them out in real life. Funny, Icard was right. I got no response or an “Ugh, really?” from my perfect child. So I guess she knows what she’s writing about.

In the beginning, Ikard explains her methodology and then walks you through each topic using the same formula for each chapter. Her system makes it easy for the reader to get in the groove and get right to the point. In fact, this is what I liked most about the book. She was consistent, so I didn’t have to catch up with each chapter. Instead, I could understand her methodology and get right to what I needed to know.

The book’s theme is understanding that kids at fourteen go through a lot, both physically and psychologically. The parents’ job is listening and understanding, even when their logic isn’t quite 100%. Parents need to understand that we are transitioning from running the family to handing it off to our teenagers to take on the responsibilities.

And don’t worry if you are already past 14; the advice is still useful.

For more information about Michelle Icard, visit her website at: https://michelleicard.com/.

[Bryan Tanner · Rating 3 out of 5]

REVIEW:
3 Stars. I’d go to a weeknight presentation by Icard at the city library. Her schpeel is fun, easy to follow, confident, and science-based. However, it seemed a little too practiced. She seemed a little too in control. In my experience, conversations with tweens rarely follow a model. But maybe that's just because I haven't mastered Icard's BRIEF model yet...Good thing my only child isn't even a year old yet—I have 13 more years to practice!

SUMMARY:
Here are my standout recollections:

- Establish your own "racquetball" boundaries: dignity, honesty, …I forget. But cool metaphor—anything goes inside those 4 walls.

- Parents, think of yourselves as your kids’ Assistant manager when their amygdala (emotion) takes over for the 10 years their pre-frontal correct goes on break.

- Establish a "botox brow" - kids apparently have a tough time reading facial cues. Any micro gesture will throw them off. By keeping a straight face they are more likely to not get thrown off emotionally and stay engaged in the conversation.

- Be a communication yogi. Children's needs/reactions differ from month to month. Stay flexible.

- Teach both right and wrong (guardrails on BOTH sides). Teaching what is wrong comes naturally when demonstrating behavior, but not always when teaching verbally.

- Unrealistic middle-school friendships are stereotyped in YA TV shows and books just like love is taught in Hallmark movies.

- The B.R.I.E.F. model:

B – Begin peacefully – casual, low-stakes, scheduled talks
R – Relate – sympathize, demonstrate your belief that the child is rational and well-intentioned.
I – Interview – ask pertinent, neutral questions. The goal is NOT to try to “catch” the child in lies or exaggerations.
E – Echo – summarize what “it sounds like” the child is feeling or requesting or struggling with.
F – Feedback – if it isn’t a life or death situation, ask if they even want feedback. If they do, then point out where they went wrong and what they might do next time to avoid it. If punishment is called for, keep it proportionate and relevant.

[Kif Corcoran · Rating 5 out of 5]

The last self-help book I read about advice on raising teens was good, but I found myself feeling frustrated by the unrealistic conversations between parents and teen where the mother says the perfect thing to turn her angst-filled, narcissistic daughter into a well-balanced global citizen. This book didn’t feel that way. The author weaves in good-natured humor in the midst of her advice. She offers several examples of ways to approach difficult topics and recognized that different approaches work for different kids. I felt comforted that many of the teen stages we are experiencing are a normal part of adolescence. I really appreciated the “conversation crashers” in each chapter because it’s just as important to learn what NOT to say to this tricky age group.

[Monica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great examples of conversations to have, while they seem canned, or made for tv, the repetition is good for your brain to help retain, and they are just outlines to have your own conversations with your own kids. At the end she reminds you, maybe you just got through the first step. Great. Another time try the next step. No magic, work - the Conversation Crashers were good for me and the end chapter synopsis great for my partner to read since he wasn't going to read entire book.
As many books, glean what you can to apply to your life. Learning about kids cocooning in their rooms resonated with us.

[Brooke Shackelford · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very informative. My kiddos aren’t this age yet, but it prepared my brain for the conversations in the coming years. Honestly, the dialogues the author shares about how to chat with your kids are great to remind parents and teachers effective ways of communicating with any kids, regardless of their age. Open dialogue and teaching/coaching is much more effective than just laying down the law. I appreciated this book.

[Silvana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sunt câteva cărți pe care le-aș recomanda ca lectură obligatorie oricărui părinte. Asta e prima dintre ele care e despre copiii noștri mai mari. Pe lângă propunerile de scenarii și conversații, ce mi-a plăcut e că oferă o cheie pentru înțelegerea (pre)adolescenților. Fie că vrei să aplici propunerile ei, fie că nu, simplul fapt de a înțelege cum gândesc și simt acești copii mari și minunați și cum îi putem ține aproape este de neprețuit. I simply loved it!

[Way-Way Pee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had planned to read this book last year when it first came out in hopes that I would finish it before my daughter turned 14 (per the title of the book) but that didn’t happen, so I set the goal to finish it before she started high school next month. 🎯. DONE! I also just lucked out that July happens to be Purposeful Parenting Month, so I marked my #theconscientiousreader prompt off my list, too!

I found this book informative, engaging, and easy to understand. I also found myself saying to myself, “oops, didn’t do that right”, “hm, so I shouldn’t be doing that”, and “aw, man, so that’s bad, huh?” 😆 It’s a book I’m going to want to keep handy in the car to listen to a chapter again occasionally to keep the BRIEF skills sharpened.

I also liked that the author requests clearly that you at least read Part I in order (the first couple of chapters) and then feel free to treat it as a choose-your-own-parenting-adventure sort of book. I listened sequentially this first time, but now that I have a digital and hard-copy, I can jump around and re-read the topics I need the most at the time.

I always appreciate additional tools 🛠 in my parenting toolbox 🧰, and this was a good one to add, especially since I still have another upcoming kiddo who is not yet fourteen.

For those not familiar with the author, she also runs a great Facebook group called “Less Stressed Middle School Parents” that is informative and supportive.