Regarding Your Application Status

by John Scalzi

There’s a galaxy-spanning federation of planets out there, and we humans of Earth are super excited about it. And we say “Can we join?” And they say, “Well, you can apply.” And this is what happens when we apply.

Genres: Science Fiction, Short Stories, Humor, Fiction

32 pages, ebook

First published May 10, 2018

About the author

John Scalzi, having declared his absolute boredom with biographies, disappeared in a puff of glitter and lilac scent.

(If you want to contact John, using the mail function here is a really bad way to do it. Go to his site and use the contact information you find there.)

Reviews

[Robin (Bridge Four) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a quick and funny little list of reasons why humanities applications to be part of the Intergalactic Federation of Civilizations (IFC). While there is a lot of truth to it, it was also funny and lighthearted as would be excepted from Scalzi

I think one of my favorites was

4. Okay, this point is a little confusing, but one of the committee members says that you have produced far too much plastic, and another says that you’ve not produced nearly enough of it. The gist of it is that you’re doing plastic wrong. Pick which way you want to go with that one and get back to us.

5. You may wish to stop beaming your television shows into space; they’re not putting you in the best light.

So take a few minutes and read something that pokes a little bit of fun at humanity and our inability to get along, make good choices and floss appropriately.

[Diane in Australia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very cute, made me smile, which is a good thing, folks. :)

3 Stars = I liked it!

[Peter Tillman · Rating 4 out of 5]

[Application tabled. Better than "terminated with extreme prejudice".....]

Excerpts:

.... you’re basically all angry and sticky and unpleasant to be around (and even when the Vlendor are done molting they’re still mostly sticky, so take that as you will). Yes, we know about the UN. Come on, dudes. Pull another of our appendages. ....

Have you ever tried not killing the hell out of each other? Maybe give it a spin! You might like it! We know you’re really good at coming up with excuses for why you really just need to kill each other, but I have to be honest: We don’t grade on a curve with this one.

5. You may wish to stop beaming your television shows into space; they’re not putting you in the best light.

7. Your decision to declassify Pluto as a planet is deeply offensive to at least a couple of committee members who hail from ice planets.

9. This line-item is a grab bag of things we want for you to consider, and in no particular order: Be kinder to each other, feed the poor, stop heating up your planet, hydrate, exercise a little more, eat meat a little less, put out Half-Life 3 because we think that story is hilarious ....

Incorporate these findings into your next application, when the IFC opens up for another round of submissions in twelve hundred of your years. Hope you’re still around then! Good luck!

Sincerely,

Klob Munsob,
Admissions Committee Head, IFC

Not to be missed, if you're a Scalzi fan. Story link: https://whatever.scalzi.com/2018/05/1...

[Hélène Louise · Rating 2 out of 5]

Even if the story is very short, the ideas are to few and too repetitive to make it really interesting. Rather moralistic, too, under the - quite repetitive - humor.
A quick and easy read, so no harm done!

[Leather · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read those three pages and become wit's witness!
(and slave to the great octopus)

[Fiona Knight · Rating 4 out of 5]

2. Somewhat related to point one, you folks still spend an unseemly amount of time killing the hell out of each other, which strikes many of our committee members as a really bougie thing to do.

A quick read of the reasons Earth's application to join the Intergalactic Federation of Civilizations was denied; frankly the aliens took it easy on us. John Scalzi's humour always works well in short format and this is no exception. And I, for one, welcome our new cuttlefish overlords!


(More like cuddlefish, look at his little face!)

[Dr. T Loves Books · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a cute short piece by a great author. Well-worth the few minutes it will take to read it on his website (or you can listen to the author read it to you!).

[Kaethe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Available free online

[MTK · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious.

[Haim · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. Even though this is a short story, I expected more from Scalzi, this is nowhere near his best works. The humor is kinda forced, cliche after cliche, etc.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is short little humorous write up Scalzi released on his birthday, that he has been coincidentally reading live for his signings.

It is very amusing, quirky, and although not as hilarious as other short works of his, did make me smile and chuckle throughout.

Short, sweet, and to the point.

It also is a very clear window into Scalzi's moral and political leanings, which if you are a fan of his, already know.

Needless to say, Humanity applies to join a Galactic Federation of sentient beings, and this is their rejection letter.

[Francisco · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ha Ha. This guy is funny. Humanity is even bellow insects in its rating, after an application for belonging to the Federation. Ten different reasons why are exposed in this two pages short-short story. But I must say that I feel a little ashamed for the truth behind those reasons. There was some moment in the past where evolution went mad, and now we have this. Next time maybe will be late. Too late. Nice short reading.

[chvang · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not funny or charming. It's just an Old Man's War list of complaints. That's it. It's not even a "I can't believe this is still a problem 10 years later!" sort of grievances, they're just shallow grumblings against whatever was in vogue to grouse about back in 2018. I would tell him to get off my lawn, but I think its now trendy to be against Kentucky bluegrass lawns.

[B. Zelkovich · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny little story.

[SA · Rating 4 out of 5]

got to hear an early reading of this by John at a book release

[Heavy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Sad to see yet another author that I like come out as an communist

[Ana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short, hilarious and very relatable, considering the status of "humanity" today and, let's be honest, always.
If you can, read and listen to the author narrate this because it's worth it.

[Durval Menezes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short, funny and free! What could on possibly complain about? Great short-short from Scalzi, available for the taking from his website. Recommended!

[Danyel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hilarious concept, funny writing. Humanity applies to join the Intergalactic Federation of Civilizations and our application is tabled.

[Janina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I like his other books but Scalzi tried too hard to be funny and witty here. The best response this elicited from me was a smirk.

[Marco Paganini · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short, funny, entertaining, and free. Also, it comes from John Scalzi. Heck, why not? :)

[Marco · Rating 3 out of 5]

A short-story set in a near future when human has discovered that there is a galaxy-spanning federation of planets out there, and we humans of Earth are super excited about it, and we want to join in! But when we ask "Can we join?", they say "Well, you can apply".... The story is the alien answer to our request. You can probably guess how it goes. It's a cute and fun to read short-story, but it did not strike me as the most original. Yet, it is free, so I cannot complain!