Rivalitatea dintre frați

by Adele Faber

Descoperiți calea către liniște și armonie în familie:
- cum și când să interveniți în certurile copiilor
- cum să încurajați cooperarea între frați

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Childrens, Audiobook, Family

194 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1972

About the author

Adele Faber graduated from Queens College with a B.A. in theater and drama, earned her master's degree in education from New York University, and taught in the New York City high schools for eight years before joining the faculty of the New School for Social Research in New York and Family Life Institute of C.W. Post College of Long Island University. She is the mother of three children.

Reviews

[Tamara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

I am going to record my notes, so I have a place to keep them.
- When siblings complaining, just try and repeat back what they are saying (helps them understand and validate feelings)
- If younger child gets pushed down accidentally, say, "Oh know you didn't want that to happen, you were having so much fun together (reminds of good relationship)
- Write signs on kids to remind the older sibling. (ex. "When I scream, it means I'm not having fun.)
- Main rule for fighting is STAY OUT OF IT. But if you have to intervene:
1) Acknowledge anger for each side
2) Then listen to them further explain why they are angry
3)Appreciate their both sides
4) Express faith in their ability to work it out (a "fair" solition)
5) Walk away

- Treat kids unigquly, not equally.
:( I love you the same/ :) I love you because you are you
:( Give equal amounts of food/ :) Do you want a little or a lot
:( Make sure time is equal/ :) "I know I am spending a lot of time with your sister because it is important to her. When I am done, I want to hear what is important to you."

- When kids name calling or hitting:
- “You sound mad, but I expect you to confront your brother without using names, or hitting.
- Rather than hitting him, go his this pillow, or show me on this dall, or draw a picture.
- Insisting on good feelings between children leads to bad feelings. Allowing bad feelings between children lead to good feelings.

[Francisco Herrero · Rating 4 out of 5]

An easy to read book that is filled with valuable practical advice from workshops. Sometimes it sounds as if the prescriptions are too obvious and easy. However they are hard to implement consistently and correct previous behavioral habits.

Can't talk about the implementation yet but the book is easy too read, illustrated with fun cartoons and is consistently praised by parents.

As an only child who now has a son and a daughter I found it interesting to understand more about siblings relationships and how to try to be a good parent for both.

The book is written to be followed like a parenting workshop.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS NEED TO HAVE THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT EACH OTHER ACKNOWLEDGED
Child: I’m gonna kill him! He took my new skates.
With words that identify the feeling “You sound furious!”
or With wishes “You wish he’d ask before using your things.”
or With symbolic or creative activity “How would you feel about making a ‘Private Property’ sign and hanging it on your closet door?”

CHILDREN NEED TO HAVE THEIR HURTFUL ACTIONS STOPPED
“Hold it! People are not for hurting!”

AND SHOWN HOW TO DISCHARGE ANGRY FEELINGS ACCEPTABLY
“Tell him with words how angry you are. Tell him, ‘I don’t want my skates used without my permission!’”


RESIST THE URGE TO COMPARE
Instead of comparing one child unfavorably to another, (“Why can’t you hang up your clothes like your brother?”) speak to the child only about the behavior that displeases you.
Describe what you see “I see a brand new jacket on the floor.”
or Describe what you feel “That bothers me.”
or Describe what needs to be done “This jacket belongs in the closet.”
Instead of comparing one child favorably to another. (“You’re so much neater than your brother”) speak only about the behavior that pleases you. Describe what you see “I see you hung up your jacket.”
or Describe what you feel “I appreciate that. I like seeing our hallway looking neat.”


CHILDREN DON’T NEED TO BE TREATED EQUALLY. THEY NEED TO BE TREATED UNIQUELY.
Instead of giving equal amounts “Here, now you have just as many grapes as your sister.” Give according to individual need “Do you want a few grapes, or a big bunch?”
Instead of showing equal love “I love you the same as your sister.” Show the child he or she is loved uniquely “You are the only ‘you’ in the whole wide world. No one could ever take your place.”
Instead of giving equal time “After I’ve spent ten minutes with your sister, I’ll spend ten minutes with you.” Give time according to need “I know I’m spending a lot of time going over your sister’s composition. It’s important to her. As soon as I’m finished, I want to hear what’s important to you.”


LET NO ONE LOCK A CHILD INTO A ROLE
Not his parents Instead of: Johnny, did you hide your brother’s ball? Why are you always so mean? Parent: Your brother wants his ball back.
Not the child himself Johnny: I know I’m mean. Parent: You’re also capable of being kind.
Not his brothers or sisters Sister: Johnny, you’re mean! Daddy, he won’t lend me his scotch tape. Parent: Try asking him differently. You may be surprised at how generous he can be.
If Johnny Attacks his Brother, Attend to the Brother Without Attacking Johnny Parent: That must hurt. Let me rub it. Johnny needs to learn how to express his feelings with words, not fists!


CHILDREN WITH PROBLEMS DO NOT NEED TO BE VIEWED AS PROBLEM CHILDREN.
They do need: Acceptance of their frustration: “This isn’t easy. It can be frustrating.”
Appreciation for what they have accomplished, however imperfect: “You got a lot closer that time.”
Help in focusing on solutions: “This is tough. What do you do in a case like this?”


HOW TO HANDLE THE FIGHTING

Level I: Normal Bickering.
1. Ignore it. Think about your next vacation.
2. Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.

Level II: Situation Heating up. Adult Intervention Might Be Helpful
1. Acknowledge their anger. “You two sound mad at each other!”
2. Reflect each child’s point of view. “So Sara, you want to keep on holding the puppy, because he’s just settled down in your arms. And you Billy, feel you’re entitled to a turn too.”
3. Describe the problem with respect. “That’s a tough one: Two children and only one puppy.”
4. Express confidence in the children’s ability to find their own solution. “I have confidence that you two can work out a solution that’s fair to each of you . . . and fair to the puppy.”
5. Leave the room.

Level III: Situation Possibly Dangerous.
1. Inquire: “Is this a play fight or a real fight?” (Play fights are permitted. Real fights are not.)
2. Let the children know: “Play fighting by mutual consent only.” (If it’s not fun for both, it’s got to stop.)
3. Respect your feelings: “You may be playing, but it’s too rough for me. You need to find another activity.”

Level IV: Situation Definitely Dangerous! Adult Intervention Necessary.
1. Describe what you see. “I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other.”
2. Separate the children. “It’s not safe to be together. We must have a cooling-off period. Quick, you to your room, and you to yours!”

WHEN THE CHILDREN CAN’T WORK OUT A PROBLEM BY THEMSELVES
1. Call a meeting of the antagonists. Explain the purpose and the ground rules.
2. Write down each child’s feelings and concerns, and read them aloud.
3. Allow time for rebuttal.
4. Invite everyone to come up with solutions. Write down all ideas without evaluating.
5. Decide upon the solutions you all can live with.
6. Follow-up.

A Quick Reminder . . . HOW TO GIVE SUPPORT TO THE CHILD WHO ASKS FOR IT WITHOUT TAKING SIDES
Jimmy: Daddy, I can’t finish my map for school. Make her give me the crayons! Amy: No. I have to color my flower.
1. State each child’s case. “Let me get this straight. Jimmy, you need the crayons to finish your homework. And Amy, you want to finish coloring.”
2. State the value or rule. “Homework assignments get top priority.”
3. Leave the doorway open for the possibility of negotiation. “But Jimmy, if you want to work something out with your sister, that’s up to you.”
4. Leave.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Eh, it was okay. I know I said I liked it, but it's really because it did what it promised to do - gave me a few things to try in my home to help my children get along better with each other. Not trying to treat kids equally, spending quality time with each, helping them problems solve... good information, crappy format and perspective.

The writing was literally painful for two reasons. First, the "discussion" format got old after about page 3, and second I take serious issue with the analogy of my having more than one child as analogous to my husband taking more than one wife. I know those gripes basically cover the entire backbone of the book, but here's my thing: I refuse to belive kids are just innately at each other's throats and that life is just that hard for them because they have a sibling. I'm sorry, but I don't feel guilty for having four children and I'd prefer a perspective that helps kids feel grateful to be part of a wonderful family instead of one that has parents trying to figure out how to compensate for the sorrow that is another child.

[Vonette · Rating 3 out of 5]

There is some helpful info here, and it reads quickly. But the writing style got on my nerves after about 3 chapters! It's written in a pseudo-narrative format including dialogue, told from the point of view of the leader of a group of parents who are learning how to help their children get along. The dialogue sounds canned and repetitive. The note at the beginning makes it clear that the whole narrative is fictionalized -- based on true experiences of real parents but after awhile it all starts to feel canned.

Though I found the book helpful in many ways, it is clearly a product of its 1980's origins. The idea that negative emotions can be effectively dealt with by "taking out your anger on a pillow" for example. It's a bit simplistic. Still, there is good advice mixed in there. This book could offer some help to any parent who has more than one child.

[Ricki · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't feel that there was much new material here that wasn't already in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Some of it kinda felt like a no-brainer.

There is also one definite problem. I was reading an older copy and maybe this is fixed in newer editions, but this book advises the reader to ask their child to show their aggression to a surrogate object (such as by punching a doll in lieu of a sibling). Supposedly, this enables the parent to show the child that they accept the child's feelings, but not their actions of violence toward a real person. However, psychology studies have proved by now that letting out anger by venting or punching a pillow does not actually diminish or dissipate aggression and anger, but rather strengthens those feelings and draws them out longer. Therefore, on this topic, the book is completely wrong. Instead, we need to teach our kids calming-down skills.

[Wendy Yu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Format, the cartoons (even a poem at the end!) are sooooooooo cheesy, but I can handle a retro vibe if the advice is good. The horror stories are (I hope!) too dramatic where siblings hate each other, themselves and their parents. It made me very scared to have two kids, but, oh well, too late!

1. Acknowledge negative feelings, don't dismiss them (e.g. "Bobby said I'm a moron" DON'T RESPOND WITH "oh, just ignore him" say "a comment like that could make you mad!"). Identify the feeling or talk about wishes ("you wish he'd ask you before playing with your toys") or with creativity (let's make a private property sign)

2. Resist the urge to make comparisons, good or bad -- just address the behavior directly (e.g. DON'T "why can't you hang up your clothes like your brother"). Simply describe what you see (jackets are on the floor) or describe what you feel (I don't like that) or describe what needs to be done (this jacket belongs in the closet)

3. Children don't need to be treated equally, they need to be treated uniquely. (e.g. DON'T "I love you the same" say "You're the only "you" in the whole world." DON'T "here are the same number of grapes" say "do you want a few or a lot?")

4. Don't give attention to the aggressor -- even negative attention is appealing. Attend to the injured party instead, the aggressor will feel left out.

5. Don't view children in roles (the organized one, the musical one, the smart one, the athletic one). View each child with a growth mindset.

6. Fighting: (a) minor = ignore it. (b) heated = 1. acknowledge anger; 2. reflect each child's POV; 3. describe the problem with respect; 4. express confidence in each child's ability to find solution; 5. leave. (c) dangerous = remind them that play fighting is by consent only or separate them for a cooling off period

7. If they can't work out a solution for fighting, call a meeting and write down their feelings and concerns, brainstorm ideas and decide on solution (e.g. mediation tactics)

8. How to not take sides: state each child's case, state the value or rule, leave the doorway open for negotiation, leave. (e.g. "let me see, Jimmy needs the crayon for homework, Amy wants to finish coloring. Homework gets priority. But Jimmy if you want to work something out with Amy, that's up to you.")

Random unorganized epilogue advice:
1. if kids are running around and they crash and cry. Remind them "oh no! you didn't want that to happen. you two were having so much fun" the reminder of the positive will speed up recovery time
2. praise good behavior through overhearing audible conversation b/w parents "hey [spouse], did you know that Danny taught Sam how to use a chair today?"
3. "I hear crying. Do you need help or can you work it out?"
4. Instead of playing "who can get dressed faster" set up "you guys are a team -- how fast can you guys get dressed"
5. most things are for sharing but some things are by permission only (e.g. things on a special shelf)
6. talk about how isn't it funny that "the best toys are the ones that someone else is using" then every time she wants to grab something, wink at each other and recite that line like it's an inside joke
7. make sure each child gets alone time with you several days a week. don't talk about the other child during that time.
8. don't have to do everything as a family all the time. e.g. just take one to the zoo, or split up at the zoo and meet for lunch.

[Lewis Manalo · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book probably isn't 100% useless, but it's pretty damn near. It takes for granted that our children have no minds of their own, and that as parents we are almost entirely responsible for who our kids grow up to be.

- The early chapters use a ridiculous polygamy metaphor to try to illustrate how children feel about siblings, depicting jealousy as the only emotion two people loved by the same person could feel for one another.

- The book offers nothing other than anecdotal evidence for the solutions and attitudes that it offers, and even most of the anecdotes aren't conclusive.

- The book fails to address the fact that people outside of the home will also interact with siblings. You don't have to be a parent to compare siblings or to favor one over the other.

Worst of all, in assuming that our children are a direct result of how we treat them the book relieves kids of any kind of responsibility for their behavior. Kids will act in ridiculous ways whether they have siblings or not, and owning up to the consequences of their actions is part of growing up.

[Amina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I gave myself a full year’s worthy break from any self help book.

I suppose this year, I’ll dribble a little introspective, 'better myself' books here and there.

This book had some wonderful tidbits. The main question is how long can I implement them before losing my cool.

I’ve already tried a few like not fully inserting myself to solve argument—it’s tough but the redirection is key.

Also, not comparing and inadvertently contrasting their strengths and weaknesses (the book tells me) is important.

I’m giving myself imaginary trophies every time I use one of the new skills.

4/5 stars

[Raheleh · Rating 4 out of 5]

کتاب خوب و مفیدیه، راهکارهای خوبی هم ارائه میده

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

September 28, 2011

At the rate we're going, some of us won't make it out alive. It could be me. It could be one of the girls. Or both of them! Or all three of us! Desperate times. Hoping for a miracle here.

October 4, 2011

I don't know how many stars to give this book, because I haven't fully put it to the test yet. Four for now. I've tried a few little changes and they've actually helped tremendously!!! But I'm trying to not get too excited. I'll come back and update in a month or so. This is the kind of book I have to read through once, then go back and go chapter by chapter, adding changes a little at a time. At this point, I'm impressed and I can absolutely see how a few changes will make a huge difference.

Favorite sections of the book:
- Siblings in Roles. Chapter 5.
- Chapter 6. Especially pages 143-144 which summarize the four levels of fighting (bickering, heating up, possibly dangerous, definitely dangerous!) and what to do in each level.
- The cartoon dad in super short shorts on pages 132-133! Awesome.

[Behzad · Rating 4 out of 5]

کتاب خیلی کاربردی که نه فقط برای صلح برقرار کردن بین برادرها و خواهرها، بلکه برای هرکسی که فرزند داره، میتونه مفید باشه.
کتاب شرح یه سری جلسۀ گروهیه با حضور والدین که با مدیریت نویسندۀ کتاب و با هدف درمان مشکلات مربوط به فرزندپروری - با تمرکز بر مشکلات
و خواهرها و برادرها - برگزار میشه. والدین از شرح مشکلات فرزندانشون میرسن به یادآوری کودکی های خودشون و میبینیم که چقدر والد بودن کار سختیه و چقدر کودک موجود حساسیه و چقدر کوچکترین اعمال و اشارات و رفتارها، میتونه تأثیرهای عمیق و پر رنگی بر زندگی کودک بگذاره.
اگه بخوام خیلی خیلی خیلی چکیده کنم، حرف کلی کتاب اینه:

احساس کودک رو - از طریق بیان اون حس در قالب کلمات - به رسمیت بشناسید و اونو انکار نکنید.
تا جای ممکن در تنشهای بین کودکان خودتون رو دخیل نکنید و اجازه بدید که اونها خودشون به راه حل برسن.
در موارد جدی و بحرانی دخالت حداقلی کنید و با ارائۀ راه حل پیشنهادی، سعی کنید تنش رو رفع کنید.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I know everyone seems to love this book, but it's absolutely unreadable! The writing style is a dialogue between a parent educator and a parenting group, all composites of substantial research by the author. I got extremely frustrated digging through the conversation for nuggets of helpful info.

In summary, resist comparing your children to each other, resist outright judgments (opting instead for statements of observation in each case), and try not to artificially cast your children into "roles." Helpful enough info, but difficult to extract (unless you skip to the worlds most ridiculous and obvious comic strips of how not to treat your kids!)

[Shaila · Rating 5 out of 5]

A few weeks ago, I felt really desperate about my kids’ sibling relationships. There were serious problems! I read this book, and was able to immediately apply what I was learning, and I’m already seeing improvement. I feel that my mediation and approach to conflict is more effective now. I appreciated the real world anecdotes, the reasonable wisdom, and the reflection on adult sibling relationships. There were a lot of points I simply had not considered previously. I bought a copy after I listened to it, because I need these tips available to me, and I’m hoping my husband will read it too.

[Hannah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maybe it's because I was an only child. Maybe it's because having worked at a preschool that utilized conscious thought about how you phrase things when talking to children and helping them solve disputes. Maybe it's because I'm already of the mind to acknowledge feelings but not allow for bullying. Maybe it's because I've taken a rather in-depth course on conflict resolution. Maybe it's because only one of my children has been born yet and I'm just naive. Regardless, I found myself only skimming through this book and not really able to figure out why everyone always seems to rave about it. *headscratch*

[Kaytee Cobb · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is absolutely going on my shelves. I wanted to highlight the whole thing, except I listened to it as an audiobook. The examples, the classroom sessions, they are so useful. I love that it's not JUST Faber and Mazlish's experience as parents, but those of their students as well. And I love that the updated edition includes additional information and letters received after the release of the book. This is a MUST for any parent that has more than one child. And I almost want to give it as a new baby gift to anyone having their second child. Because it's that good.

[Amy Balaich · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m not at the phase of sibling conflicts yet since Emmett is so young, but I found the ideas in this book to be super practical and helpful. I want to buy this book and mark certain parts to pull out when I need a script for difficult situations.

[Raynur · Rating 5 out of 5]

Советую данную книгу все у кого есть более 1 ребёнка. А также тем, кто сам брат / братишка или сестра / сестренка. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

Прослушал аудио. Купил книгу, чтобы ещё раз прочитать с женой. 😋

[Paulina Balsevičienė · Rating 4 out of 5]

Visi vaikai daugiau ar mažiau pykstasi, manau tai neišvengiama.
Knygoje daug kalbama apie tai, kaip išmokyti vaikus reikšti negatyvius jausmus, niekam nekenkiant.
Pirmiausia žalą daro mūsų įprotis lyginti vaikus. Tiek elgiantis blogai, tiek norint pagirti. Net knygos autorė pripažįsta, kad be galo sunku atsikratyti šio įpročio, bet pabandyti verta.
Kaip noras lyginti, taip ir noras duoti abiems po lygiai, gali skatinti vaikų konkurenciją. Autorė teigia, kad vaikus vertinti, jiems duoti ir juos mylėti reikia individualiai. Lygu, gali būti mažiau. Keista, bet tikros suaugusių vaikų istorijos įtikina.

Ši knyga, kaip ir kitos autorės knygos, labai patiko. Jei būčiau ją skaičiusi pirmiausia, manau ir įvertinimas būtų didesnis. Nors ir pateikta daug naudingos informacijos, situacijos ne tokios įtikinančios ir pasirodė kiek per lengvai išsprendžiamos.

[Canan]

Ufukta belirmeye başlayan kardeş çatışmaları için okumaya başladım kitabı. Ancak kendi kardeş ilişkilerime de ışık tuttu.
Değerlendirmeyi uygulamanın ne kadar etkili olacağına göre ilerleyen zamanlarda yapacağım:)

[Veronika Pizano · Rating 4 out of 5]

Oproti ostatnym kniham tychto autoriek je toto v podstate taky vycuc, ale dolezite je, ze tie techniky funguju. Uz len nezabudat ich uplatnovat, ked decka idu svoje.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another great book by Faber and Mazlish, I decided to read this after reading their other book a few years ago (How to Talk so Kids will Listen...). Now my girls are 9 and 7 years old, and although they get along nicely occasionally, there are plenty of (daily, hourly) fights, bickering, arguing over things, screaming at each other, etc. So I've been eager for a little helpful wisdom regarding sibling issues and the best way to handle it. Just like their other book, it is full of very practical tips, and the similar type of cartoon-like strips showing examples of what not to do, and what to do instead. ("Instead of this....try this")

Again they structure the book as telling you about a parenting class they're teaching, and they use the people in the class to offer discussion and examples of challenges and how to handle them. What was really interesting was how they talk about how deep sibling issues go, and how so many of us are still affected by them today. Many parents in the book gave examples of how their parents always treated their siblings different than them, or how they fought with their brother or sister so much - to the point that as an adult when they looked back, they still have very strong feelings about those years. Of course this makes a lot of sense, as the family we grew up in makes a huge difference in our lives. But it's really interesting now as a parent of children myself to look back and see how I feel when I think about myself as a kid dealing with sibling challenges. It helps to put yourself in that position and remember what it felt like.

But the main focus of the book is how to take practical steps to help your kids learn to deal with each other, and how to adjust your own parenting behaviors so that you're not making the problem worse. Some were things I already knew I shouldn't do, but have a hard time putting into practice (not comparing your kids to each other all the time, for example). But other things were examples of things we do that we think are helpful, but really might be the opposite (always praising one child for only one trait, such as "you're the smart one", "you're the creative one", etc). It gives a lot of food for thought, and I have a feeling I will want to look through it again in the future.

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book almost made me cry (and I don't cry easily for books). Just reading/hearing the words coming out of parents mouths from the examples in the book, from parents around me, and from myself and then seeing the contrast described in the book was an indescribable experience for me.

I would wager that the vast majority of us have specific issues, big or small, because of the labeling whether implied or said outloud, from our parents. It is amazing how much trauma this causes. This is something that I was spared from, in a way, because my mother was very intentional about not comparing me with my brother. However, she also didn't know how to encourage us to be ourselves and the things she/they didn't say makes a huge difference.

It's one thing to avoid comparing, it's great in fact! However it's a completely different thing to pro-actively say things to encourage children to be who they are and to be the best at that as they can be. Many parents don't know how to do this and this book lays out fundamentals that I can try to model to the best of my ability.

[Melanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 / 5 stars, rounded up to 4.

Does it work? I don't know... perhaps if my flying monkeys had read it, the strategies would be more effective, but I'm trying to implement them so we'll see....

It reinforces all the things one learns at parenting courses about making sure your child is heard, and has their feelings acknowledged. I skipped over the last section of adults telling stories about their own childhood, and how damaged they became by their parents less-than-spectacular parenting 'cause I don't need to relive all that stuff either!

It's a little condescending at times, and the strategy of simply ignoring the bickering could force me to become an alcoholic by the time my three daughters are all teenagers, but if nothing else, I at least feel like my family's actually pretty normal, and we're doing ok.

Except for the wine consumption. Hubby's away the next couple of weekends so i may be back to edit this...wish me luck.

[Andrea Thorpe · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really easy read and I got a lot out of it. I think the biggest challenge for me is to stay out of my boys fights and not create a triangle. This book helped cure me of that. This topic is a work in progress! It reminded me that sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up. And, that not taking sides brings them closer together, because they don't feel that mom is giving one of them preferential treatment. This book is filled with anecdotal evidence and stories from people that are parenting through the scars left with them since their own childhoods. It was a very interesting read.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is a solid book with good information but I think way too long for what it is trying to say. I got the idea of how to work toward siblings without rivalry after about 10 pages but the book is 240 pages. Much of the book is examples and discussions from their workshop. That may be helpful but when I pick up a book to help me (any self help book), I'm excited about the information- what to do and how to change. I wouldn't be offended if the book was less than 100 pages. The shorter it is, the faster I can get started on the new ways and steps to a better me/home.

[Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this pretty soon after our second son was born. Nine years later looking at the other reviews, I realize how much of this book I incorporated into our parenting. Our two sons have a really good relationship and a lot of it can be attributed to reading this book.

Best pieces of advice: don't get sucked into their arguments! And let each child know how much he/she is loved individually.

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Again, a classic for a reason. We're doing ok on this front so far but I bought copy so we can reference it easily in the future. I...kind of think a lot of my mom's anxieties about the relationship between my sister and me would've been much improved if she'd read and tried the ideas in this book. The format of simplifying the storytelling by combining their family experiences as though it were one and going through one particular parenting class group was fine, to my surprise. There's a lot of the parents themselves reflecting on their own difficult sibling relationships which really helps drive the points home, I think.

Favorite parts:
* There's a difference between sending a child away from you and instructing her to hit her doll, and inviting a child to express her feelings through the use of her doll as you watch. A more helpful statement would be, "I can't let you hurt the baby, but you can show me what you're feeling with your doll." The key words are "show me." As the child shakes her finger at the doll, or pummels it, the parent can give words to what the child is trying to express. (p32)
* Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings (p50)
* To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely--for one's own special self--is to be loved as much as we need to be loved. (p71)
* Kids need a lot of experience having good times together so that when the conflicts and fights come--as they must--they both have the memory of a positive relationship they want to get back to (p204)
* Sibling relationships are fluid, changing, constantly in process. At different periods of their lives, bothers and sisters draw apart or come together. There is now ay that we as parents can mandate a fixed, close, loving relationship between our children. However, what we can do, with skills and goodwill, is remove the usual obstacles to sibling harmony, so that when our children are ready to reach out to one another, the road is clear. (p240)

Goal:
* over the years I had helped them build the bridges to span the separate islands of their identities. If they ever need to reach each other, they have many ways of getting there (p12)

On feelings:
* Instead of dismissing negative feelings about a sibling, acknowledge the feelings and put them into words (p25)
* Give children in fantasy what they don't have in reality.
* Help children channel their hostile feelings into symbolic or creative outlets.
* Stop hurtful behavior. Show how angry feelings can be discharged safely. Refrain from attacking the attacker.

Competition:
* Whenever I was tempted to compare one child to another, I would say to myself, 'STOP! DON'T!' Whatever you want to tell this child can be said directly, without any reference to his brother. The key word is describe. Describe what you see. Or describe what you like. Or describe what you don't like. Or describe what needs to be done. The important thing is to stick with the issue of this one child's behavior. Nothing his brother is or isn't doing has anything to do with him. (p55)
* what can you do when one child tells you about something special she did and all the others are standing there listening? That's a tough one. We don't want to shortchange the child who is excited about her accomplishment. Yet we do want to be sensitive to the feelings of the others. You'll never go wrong if you describe what you think the child might be feeling ('You must be so proud of yourself!') or what the child has accomplished ('A lot of practice and perseverance went into winning that medal'). The trick is not to add, 'I'm so thrilled, I can't wait to tell Dad and all the neighbors.' The passion and excitement you feel about a child's achievement should be saved for a moment when just the two of you are together. It's too much for the other siblings to have to listen to. (p59)
* if they want to show each other their report cards, that's their business. What's important is that they know that Mom and Dad see them as separate individuals and are not interested in comparing their grades. (p60)

Equal is less:
* when they bellyache that you're not fair or that you 'gave her more' or 'love him better.' You can tell yourself that even though they seem to want everything the same, they don't really. (p71)
* Children don't need to be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely. Instead of giving equal amounts, give according to individual need. Instead of showing equal love, show the child he or she is loved uniquely. Instead of giving equal time, give according to need. (p81)
* She never even asked me how I felt about her sisters. She just wanted to know how much I valued her. (p88)

Siblings in roles:
* No child should be allowed to corner the market on any area of human endeavor. We want to make ti clear to each of our children that the joys of scholarship, dance, drama, poetry, sport, are for everyone and not reserved for those who have a special aptitude. (p98)
* Don't give your attention to the aggressor, attend to the injured party instead (p101)

When kids fight:
* My loud, forceful description of what I saw them about to do stunned them and stopped them. My strong conviction that no hurting would be allowed in our home overrode their rage at each other. And in the end I saw that they were grateful to have a parent who cared enough about them to protect them from each other. (p141)
* purpose of settling their argument or making a judgment, but to open the blocked channels of communication so that they can go back to dealing with each other (p142)
* How to handle the fighting (p144)
Level 1: Normal Bickering
1. Ignore it.
2. Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.
Level 2: Situation heating up, adult intervention might be helpful
1. Acknowledge their anger.
2. Reflect each child's point of view.
3. Describe the problem with respect.
4. Express confidence in the children's ability to find their own solution.
5. Leave the room.
Level 3: Situation possibly dangerous
1. Inquire: Is this a play fight or a real fight?
2. Let the children know: Play fighting by mutual consent only (has to be fun for both)
3. Respect your feelings: You may be playing, but it's too rough for me. You need to find another activity.
Level 4: Situation definitely dangerous! adult intervention necessary
1. Describe what you see.
2. Separate the children.
* When the children can't work out a problem by themselves (p158)
1. Call a meeting of the antagonists. Explain the purpose and the ground rules.
2. Write down each child's feelings and concerns, and read them aloud.
3. Allow time for rebuttal.
4. Invite everyone to come up with solutions. Write down all ideas without evaluating.
5. Decide upon the solutions you all can live with.
6. Follow-up.
* encouraging sharing without forcing it (p160)
1. By putting the children in charge of the sharing (Kids, what's the best way to share it?)
2. By pointing out the advantages of sharing.
3. By allowing time for inner process (Lucy will let you know when she's ready to share.)
4. By showing appreciation for sharing when it occurs spontaneously.
5. By modeling sharing yourself.

Afterword:
* The only way to break the deadlock is to take the object away from them. The trick is not to do it punitively "Okay that's it! Now neither one of you gets it," but rather by pointing them to the task that needs to be done. I say, "I'll just put this on the shelf here for safekeeping while you two work out a plan for how to share it without fighting. As soon as you're ready, let me know and I'll take it down." (p201)
* You didn't want that to happen. You two were having so much fun together. That seems to help both boys recoup much faster and remind them of their good relationship. (p205)
* I hear crying. Do you need help or can you work it out yourselves?'
* (when spending 1:1 time with one child, keep your focus on that child. Refrain from bringing up the other child) The parent means no harm. She might even feel she's encouraging the children to be thoughtful of each other. But more likely Mary will think, "Even when Debbie isn't here, she takes Mom away from me." (p232)

[books.bintulu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Instant after-read thoughts:

- bickering is better than not talking at all (too much screen, minding own business)
- this book is first published in 1987. 36 years later it is still relevant
- lots of stories/ examples you can grasp
- whatever it is you still need God. Tawakkal dont forget that

[Chelsea Simmons · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book and the stories in it. This book gave me great strategies and how to communicate better with my kids during their problems and how they can communicate better with each other.

[Ari · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting ideas. Will have to try some of them out.