The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year-Old

by Harvey Karp, Paula Spencer

Perfect for expecting parents who want to prepare themselves for the challenging toddler years (which starts around eight months of age), this essential guide, a national bestseller by respected pediatrician and child development expert Dr. Harvey Karp, not only helps reduce tantrums but makes happy kids even happier by boosting patience, cooperation, and self-confidence.

Toddlers can drive you bonkers…so adorable and fun one minute…so stubborn and demanding the next! Yet, as unbelievable as it sounds, there is a way to turn the daily stream of “nos” and “don’ts” into “yeses” and hugs…if you know how to speak your toddler’ s language. In one of the most useful advances in parenting techniques of the past twenty-five years, Dr. Karp reveals that toddlers, with their immature brains and stormy outbursts, should be thought of not as pint-size people but as pintsize…cavemen.

Having noticed that the usual techniques often failed to calm crying toddlers, Dr. Karp discovered that the key to effective communication was to speak to them in their own primitive language. When he did, suddenly he was able to soothe their outbursts almost every time! This amazing success led him to the realization that children between the ages of one and four go through four stages of “evolutionary” growth, each linked to the development of the brain, and each echoing a step in prehistoric humankind’s journey to civilization:

• The “Charming Chimp-Child” (12 to 18 months): Wobbles around on two legs, grabs everything in reach, plays a nonstop game of “monkey see monkey do.”
• The “Knee-High Neanderthal” (18 to 24 months): Strong-willed, fun-loving, messy, with a vocabulary of about thirty words, the favorites being “no” and “mine.”
• The “Clever Caveman” (24 to 36 months):
Just beginning to learn how to share, make friends, take turns, and use the potty.
• The “Versatile Villager” (36 to 48 months): Loves to tell stories, sing songs and dance, while trying hard to behave.

To speak to these children, Dr. Karp has developed two extraordinarily effective techniques:
1) The “fast food” rule—restating what your child has said to make sure you got it right;
2) The four-step rule—using gesture, repetition, simplicity, and tone to help your
irate Stone-Ager be happy again.

Once you’ve mastered “toddler-ese,” you will be ready to apply behavioral techniques specific to each stage of your child’ s development, such as teaching patience and calm, doing time-outs (and time-ins), praise through “gossiping,” and many other strategies. Then all the major challenges of the toddler years—including separation anxiety, sibling rivalry, toilet training, night fears, sleep problems, picky eating, biting and hitting, medicine taking — can be handled in a way that will make your toddler feel understood. The result: fewer tantrums, less yelling, and, best of all, more happy, loving time for you and your child.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Family, Childrens, Reference

303 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

About the author

Dr. Harvey Karp is a nationally renowned pediatrician and child development specialist. He is an Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at the UCLA School of Medicine. Over the past 30 years, he has taught thousands of parents, from working moms to superstars like Madonna, Michelle Pfeiffer and Pierce Brosnan his secrets for making children happy.

Dr. Karp has committed his full-time efforts to writing, lecturing and education. He now travels extensively across America and around the world lecturing the medical community and the public about how to use his innovative discoveries to help parents successfully meet the needs of their young children.

Reviews

[Susanne · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was SO impressed with Dr Karp's first book, "The Happiest Baby on the Block," that I didn't even look at the "Happiest Toddler" before buying it. The five "S's" in "The Happiest Baby" absolutely saved our sanity when Isaac was a newborn. For him, it really was like flipping a switch from cranky to calm.

After reading"Happiest Toddler," I find myself thinking that there are some suggestions I might refer back to at some future date (since the book covers toddler's behavior from one to four years), but nothing that strikes me as brilliant or revolutionary.

The appendix at the end of the book summaries what the previous 292 pages detail: (in my own words)

1. Remember that your toddler is not an adult. He has a lot of learning and growing to do before he is a rational being.
2. Be your toddler's best friend, and explain new things and feelings to him -- because to him, EVERYTHING is new.
3 & 4. Reflect your toddler's feelings and thoughts back to him before telling him what you feel or think. He needs to know that he is understood -- because until now, he has not been able to communicate very clearly. Not only that, use short phrases, appropriate tone, and body language, since these are what HE understands best.
5. Keep in mind what you already know about your toddler: how much and of what can he take before he gets angry or frustrated. Don't push too much too fast.
6. Remember that he is not TRYING to piss you off. He is hypothesis-testing (to borrow a phrase from Dr. John Medina). He needs to know if your rules are the same as they were a minute ago. And another minute ago. And inside as well as outside. You get the picture.
7. Let him know what you like, and why you like it. Let him know you are proud of him.
8. Spend time with your toddler. (Now that's revolutionary!)
9. Use re-direction before punishment.
10. Punishment can look like a brief period of ignoring, or loss of privileges.

[Kelly Madewell · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book made me wish for the rebirth of the pamphlet. You know how Thomas Paine and those folks around the birth of our nation had these big ideas but then put them in a pamphlet? I think that's what Harvey Karp should do. Only, his ideas (in this book, anyway) aren't really that big.

Here's something that bothers me. A writer or somesuch will have a decent idea and sell many, many books (i.e. "The Happiest Baby on the Block," which I enjoyed in DVD form and "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren which I have not read but every mother in America seems to have enjoyed). So they make lots of money. Then a few years pass and they think, "I'm gonna do that again." So they release things like "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" and some book that I saw is on sale at Safeway this week called something like "The Purpose Driven Christmas." If a person is fortunate enough to come up with an idea that resonates with people or helps them, they should bow their heads in humble appreciation of the money that is falling through their doors and then just...fall silent. Sorry, Harvey. I might have given you an extra star if your non-ideas had been published in pamphlet form.

That was meaner than I meant it to be. I just don't have the time to waste on dumb books and it makes me irritable.

[Ani · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book no! Make mad! MAD! MAD!

Book done? Me happy! HAPPY! YAY!

If you don't want to read variances of the two sentences above then I suggest avoiding this book entirely. The author explains that by talking to your child like a caveman in what he calls "Toddler-ese," you'll stifle tantrums asap and have a happier and more cooperative child. That may be true, but halfway through this book I was already banging my head against a wall with all his examples. Perhaps I would have a more respectful child, but I'll have lost all respect for myself in the meanwhile. I'll just keep yelling at my kids to shut up and hoping they'll listen. Just kidding, I know they won't listen.

[Matt Weber · Rating 3 out of 5]

A difficult read, but its very disjointedness accumulates through the chapters to ramify into a very real hallucinatory power. Characters flit through, ghostlike, evanescent, there and gone, so transitory that mere recurrence strikes one like a thunderbolt -- for example, the brothers Aidan and Nate, the source of whose tantrums is never fully anatomized but whose too-brief anguishes ignite the page like black fire. The repetitious, misspelled incantations of thwarted desire sometimes recall Faulkner's Benjy, sometimes Keyes' Charly, sometimes (perhaps most poignantly) McCarthy's nameless Kid; and the image of prehistoric man, slope-browed, iron-thewed, and parched for blood, painting buffalo on the walls of the caves of our children's hearts, will haunt even the most stoic reader long after the last page rustles shut.

[Becca · Rating 4 out of 5]

My 2 year old Rosie was melting down-- it was past naptime, and we were on the 8th activity of the day-- decorating cupcakes--and she DESPERATELY wanted a handful of m&ms. She started screaming, CANDY!!!! CANDY!!!! Auntie Bridget said to me, "have you read The Happiest Toddler on the block?" I told her-- "I've just started it!" I begged Bridget for a demonstration.
She leaned across the table, right into Rosie's face and wailed at a Wagnerian pitch, "You want candy!!!!!! You want candy, huh!!!! Wow, you really want some candy right now!!!!" Rosie was stunned into silence, and then nodded, totally fixed on Bridget. "Well, why don't you sit down and help me out and then I'll let you have a piece."
Rosie sat down, and looked adoringly up at Aunty Bridget, waiting further instructions.
"That's all honey, you can go back to making cupcakes, we'll talk later." And Rosie went back to her playing-- TOTALLY MOLLIFIED. In fact she followed her around adoringly the rest of the day.
We were stunned! It was hilarious and terrifying! 16 year old Brandon cracked-- "wow, I want to sit down and be quiet now too!"
So. It's weird. And apparently very, very effective.

[Hilarie · Rating 5 out of 5]

These days, it seems as though every book written by a doctor has a catchy gimmick designed to grab the interest of the reader. This book was no exception, as on the back cover Dr. Karp lovingly refers to toddlers everywhere as pint-sized cavemen. Since I am currently in the throws of the toddler years, I had to agree with Dr. Karp, as there are days that my little one happily wreaks destruction. Lest you think that Dr. Karp is somehow being insulting, let me assure you that it is very evident that not only does he enjoy toddlers and find them fascinating, but that he respects them as well. The point of all the prehistoric talk is really just a clever way to point out the differences that exist between the thought processes of an adult and a child (ages 1 to 4).

Dr. Karp's premise is that in the first four years of life your child will accomplish huge developmental milestones as their brains grow and develop. He divides the ages into four groups: The Charming Chimp-Child (12 to 18 Months), The Knee-High Neanderthal (18 to 24 Months), The Clever Cave-Kid (24 to 36 Months), and The Versatile Villager (36 to 48 Months). Each of these groupings is actually a pneumonic used to describe the highlights of that particular age grouping, for example Cave-Kid's are:
C= Curiouser and curiouser
A= Attention Increases
V= Very Busy
E= Enjoys Pleasing You
K= Kinder
I= Interested in Order and Comparisons
D= Determined to Communicate

Dr. Karp also enourages adults to speak to toddlers in their own language, or what he refers to as "Toddler-ese." Basically, the idea is that when a child is upset it is pretty pointless to try and talk to them as little adults. He offers basic tips on communicating more effectively with your toddler, and I found that many of these tips were good communication pointers in general.

I took my time reading this book as I was anxious to give his suggestions a try. Many of them actually worked! It was a little embarrasing speaking "Toddler-ese" in public, but Dr. Karp makes a good point that when your child is in the midst of a tantrum, you usually feel that you are the center of attention anyway. Most of all, I really enjoyed reading this book as it was fascinating to think about all the things my little one has already accomplished and all she will continue to accomplish. If you have young children, or spend a lot of time with the 1 to 4 set, then I can't recommend this book highly enough.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have to disagree with most of the reviews of this book. I read this book during a period of severe tantrums from my one year old, and a lot of the strategies suggested in this book really seemed to help. Simply coming to the realization that my toddler was more like a little caveman rather than a little person helped dramatically. Before reading the book, I constantly was asking myself an anyone else near, "why is she acting like this?!?!" Reading this book have me some much needed insight. Also, some things I was doing wrong seemed so silly after reading the explanations. For example, a lot of parents make the mistake of always trying to distract their child when they're upset. This is similar to reacting to friend who is telling you about a bad day like "hey, look at my shoes", not helpful. I got a lot out of this book, and my daughter's tantrums have decreased and are much more manageable now.

[Gail · Rating 5 out of 5]

In authors as in blind dates, arrogance is a major turn-off. But confidence? When bold claims turn out to be accurate, a legend is born. As I began “The Happiest Toddler on the Block,” Harvey Karp’s cocksure declarations left me itching to decry him as nothing more than a charlatan. But Karp is the real deal. While the next edition would benefit from more humility – as well as dropping the infomercial speak (e.g., “Now you’re ready to join the thousands of parents who have eliminated 50 to 90 percent of their young child’s tantrums in less than a week”!) – Karp puts together the best compilation of strategies for dealing with toddlers that I have yet read. Yes, he brazenly points for the center field bleachers; but he makes good. All hail Harvey Karp, the Babe Ruth of parenting writers.

Three primary successes make Karp a heavy hitter in his field: (1) he has a knack for putting words to things successful parents do without much thought; (2) he sets forth clear, achievable best practices while avoiding both absolutes and judgment (e.g., “think of TV like candy: [a] little is okay every so often, but not a steady diet of it”), and (3) he covers almost all the big parenting bases in one reasonably-sized book (combining brain science, disciplinary theory, and practical tips).

“The Happiest Toddler on the Block” presents Karp’s wisdom in four parts. The meat – and biggest value offered – comes in parts two and three wherein Karp describes various tips for preventing and dealing with tantrums by addressing green (desirable), yellow (annoying), and red (totally prohibited) behaviors in constructive and creative ways. If you’re short on time, skip to this middle chunk of the book.

Only if you have the bandwidth to do it, start with part one. The first thirty-five pages constitute a post-introduction introduction, explaining the reasoning behind Karp’s core recommendations: toddlers are different than grown-ups (“[l]ittle kids are a lot like cavemen”) in ways that lead to developmentally normal behaviors that are both undesirable and vanquishable with the right approach (parent as “an ambassador from the 21st century to the ‘uncivilized’ little munchkin” rather than “boss or buddy”). Otherwise, part one is pure fluff (albeit soothing fluff like “[n]o one was meant to parent a toddler . . . without a lot of help”).

Part two contains Karp’s game-winning “connect with respect” approach to calming toddlers: (1) “[w]hoever is most upset talks first; the other person listens, repeats back what they’re told, and only then do they take their turn to talk” (“the Fast-Food Rule”), and (2) speak to an emotional child with “short phrases, repetition, and mirroring a bit of your child’s feelings” (“Toddler-ese”). Karp explains, “Of course your child must respect you, and you’ll have many opportunities to teach her that. But when she’s upset, insisting that she wait for you to talk first will make her feel unloved.” Moreover, because the logical left side of your child’s brain shuts down when she’s upset, “instantly tr[ying] to distract” or otherwise engage her simply won’t work until after you acknowledge her feelings in a way the right brain can process (i.e., through your tone, expression, and gestures).

So you try this whole “ambassador” thing, translating your kid’s behavior into a Toddlerese expression of desire before saying your piece: “Stuey wants ice cream! Ice cream, NOW! Ice cream now, now, now!” (“[Y]ou should try to reflect about one-third of [his] emotional intensity.”) Though you feel like a complete ass doing it, he gives you this look – sort of amazed, a bit suspicious – and stops fussing or otherwise losing it. Then you can “gradually return to a more normal way of talking” and try reasoning with or redirecting your kid (on pages 53 and 154, Karp lists strategies: be physical, whisper, give options, explain your point of view, talk about emotions, grant your child’s wish in fantasy, etc.). Many good parents do this whole dance instinctively; I got about 80 percent of the way there on my own. But hot damn if that remaining 20 percent didn’t change our lives. (Caveat: The effect appears to wear off a little over time; a few months after first introducing it, my son no longer responds to Toddlerese with wonder, instead looking a tad betrayed like, “Let me get this straight: it turns out you always understand exactly what I want and still never give it to me?”).

Like the good doctor that he is, Karp doesn’t just focus on treating a tantrum; part three expands the focus to prevention, providing parents with guidance on how to respond to all aspects of a child’s behavior in a way that minimizes toddler frustration, deprivation, and other wellsprings of tantrums eternal. (I suppose the baseball analogy would be Ruth’s pitching prowess as diminishing the need for offensive strength? A stretch, ReadyMommy, definitely a stretch.)

“The best way to help your toddler behave better is to flash a green light of encouragement every time you see him being good.” Before I became a parent, I never would’ve thought anyone needed to spell out the usefulness of positive reinforcement, but I’ve since witnessed caregivers failing miserably in this arena. Karp doesn’t just tell his readers to reinforce desirable behavior, he shows them how step-by-step:

(1) “Time-ins” (“bits of attention, praise, and play”) can include a game of make believe, compliments (but “[p]raise the action you want to encourage . . . not the child”), reading a book, “gossip” (when you pretend your kid’s not in the room and praise her behavior to a third party, animate or inanimate), and a whole ton of other QT moments. I only identified one novel “time-in,” but it’s worth reading the whole danged book for this trick alone: “hand-checks.” Holy frack, hand-checks. All you do is write a check on the back of your kid’s hand with a pen when they do something praiseworthy. My kids EAT. IT. UP. Hand-checks have replaced the extra bedtime books I used to dole out for particularly impressive behavior, saving me time and providing continuous reinforcement throughout the day (every time my daughter looks at her anointed hand – and seriously, you’d think she’d been raised in Rome and the Pope had kissed it – she gets a nudge in the right direction).

(2) Under the heading of “building confidence,” Karp suggests asking your children for help with tasks, giving them options, playing the boob (i.e., pretending to be clueless about something and letting your kid correct or instruct you), and letting them work through challenges on their own whenever possible.

(3) In order to “teach patience,” Karp discusses “magic breathing” which is essentially his method for getting kids to take deep breaths. In a similarly over-proceduralized manner he introduces “patience-stretching.” (I mean, if you’re not a complete slave to your kid and/or have more than one child, this technique shouldn’t require purposeful effort. There’s no need to feign distraction or pretend to prioritize something else on the verge of giving your kid what they want when it happens naturally multiple times a day. Though I suppose Karp’s endorsement adds value even for naturals by rendering the whole process guilt-free.)

(4) Like most parenting experts, Karp extols the benefits of predictable routines; he also suggests a few specific additions: “special time” (a short nugget of undivided attention doing something your kid finds fun) and “bedtime sweet talk” (a time to reflect on the day; we do it at the dinner table, but it’s the same idea).

(5) Breaking down another parenting favorite, Karp recommends you “plant seeds of kindness” by telling fairy tales or engaging in role play modeling desirable behaviors. (Books are another great source of “side-door” socialization; I highly recommend “Cookies: Bite-Size Life Lessons”).

Straddling those five categories is the recommendation that parents give children “three types of play . . . every day: outside play, creative activity, and reading.” (I find myself relying on this list less as a series of action items and more as authorization to relax; if I’ve taken them outside, done some pretend play, and read to them, I’m good to sit on the couch for a few minutes.)

Wait! There’s more?!?! (Yes, I am now officially making fun of his shtick.) Part three circles back to treating (rather than preventing) misbehavior when Karp addresses “[y]ellow-light behaviors[, those] annoying things kids do, like whining, pestering, and dawdling” as well as totally unacceptable “red-light” behavior. In the hope of retaining the interest of the three readers who are still with me at this point, I won’t summarize the remainder of part three in exhaustive detail (trust me, the yellow and red sections are as densely packed with helpful strategies as the green). But I can’t resist including a few excerpts:

“Here are four tips for effective limit setting: 1. Be reasonable. . . . Remember, toddlers have limited impulse control, so . . . make your home fit for your child, rather than vice versa. 2. Set limits with a KISS (Keep it short and simple!) . . . 3. Be consistent. . . . [Mushy limits often backfire and make kids defy us even more. W]hen you do break your own rules you should clearly state that you’re making a temporary exception. . . . 4. Avoid mixed messages. Speaking too sweetly or smiling while you set a limit confuses kids. . . . If you want your child to know you mean business, crouch down (staying just a bit above your child’s eye level) and give your message with a deep voice and a serious face.”

“You can often avoid power struggles with one simple trick: Tell your child what to do, rather than what not to do.”

“In truth, a bit of defiance is not so bad! Most parents want their kids to learn that being tenacious in their beliefs and skilled in their ability to persuade others is a good thing.” (I’ve repeated this idea like my personal mantra since my daughter turned two in 2011.)

“Reverse psychology doesn’t teach kids to be disobedient. It’s really just another way of playing the boob. Toddlers know it’s a game, that’s why they love it.”

“Giving a fine penalizes your tot by removing a valued privilege or toy.” (“Sometimes the ‘prized possession’ you remove is . . . you. This is using kind ignoring [i.e., "a teensy cold shoulder”] as a fine . . . .”)

“After your child misbehaves, ask for an apology, but don’t insist on one.” (Agreed. Producing kids who apologize and mean it is all about parental modeling, not coercion.)

As for the single most important lesson from part three: treat the cause, not the symptoms. “When your child is acting up . . . [perhaps y]ou’re giving too little play and attention.” (This theory dovetails nicely with Maren Schmidt’s reminder to parents that “human behavior is . . . need-driven.”) In other words, one approach to dealing with yellow- and red-light behavior is “feeding the meter” with time-ins and other green-light strategies. I love Karp’s parking meter analogy and the idea of my undivided attention as a currency in which my kids trade. My impulse is often to say “oh she’s done such a great job entertaining herself, let’s try to push it for another ten minutes” – which isn’t how meters work. If I want more time out of her, I need to buy it by giving her more attention when she’s good, not less. Karp’s “feeding the meter” technique is also helpful because it leads parents to be more deliberate in the way they mete out attention. I’ve always given my kids special time, but I didn’t label it as such. Now I declare my intention to give it to them, and somehow the purposefulness of it makes them appreciate the same amount of focused time much more.

After any high – especially the type that features a massive injection of energy and creativity, like, say, cocaine or parts two and three of “The Happiest Toddler on the Block” – comes a low. And so it is with part four, an almost totally superfluous tutorial on how to use Karp’s basic strategies in specific circumstances (which really ought to be chopped down to a brief FAQ). (It does, however, include one piece of advice that I wish I could tattoo on my forehead when we go to the playground: “You don’t necessarily have to intervene in every slugfest your kids have. Small struggles help kids learn to stand up for themselves and be courageous. Besides sooner or later, you will want your kids to learn to settle their differences on their own. So as long as the fight is a yellow-light situation, not a red-light one (that is, it involves bickering and bellowing, but not bleeding), let the kids struggle a bit before you intervene.” If only my forehead were a skosh bigger.)

Part four isn’t the only bad news. We all know Babe Ruth was not without his flaws – he was no GQ model, for starters. In addition to the infomercial tone and padded parts one and four, Karp leaves a few opportunities untapped and makes one small error.

Let’s start with the room for improvement. First, the flip-side of Karp’s accessible writing is that it’s often plodding and rarely quick-witted; it’s hard to see this as a true opportunity missed considering any change would alienate a big chunk of his audience, but still. Second, though Karp encourages parental modeling in various spots (e.g., “finding reasonable compromises teaches kids to be more fair and flexible”), he doesn’t explicitly emphasize the import of monkey-see-monkey-do in the parenting context as much as I’d like. Third, in pursuit of the elusive one-book-teaches-all recommendation, I wish Karp had (a) done more with emotion-coaching (like teaching empathy a la John Gottman), (b) referenced the concept of consequence-distinction in combating helicopter parenting (from “Parenting with Love & Logic”), and (c) placed more emphasis on the power of giving kids a means of expression – like words or signs – in eliminating frustration (John Medina does a good job with that one).

Then there’s the strikeout. Karp swings and misses when it comes to food because he suggests tit-tit-for-tat routines; offering juice, soda, and ice cream as behavioral rewards or pick-me-ups; and other culinary negotiations (“win-win compromises”). Everything I’ve read suggests that healthy eaters are raised by parents who give their children space to figure out consumption on their own and don’t attach emotions to food whereas both eating disorders and obesity have been linked to power struggles at the childhood dinner table. As one of my daughter’s feeding therapists put it, “Your job as a parent is to decide when and what your child eats; their job is to decide how much.” Since following this laissez faire strategy has produced two exceptionally adventurous and happy eaters in our household, I’m surprised that Karp endorses micromanaging kids’ eating. That said, the book certainly is not about food; yes, Karp fails to hit a homer on this issue, but his batting average still leads the league.

In fact, each one of these critiques just explains why “The Happiest Toddler on the Block” isn’t perfect; none of them takes away from its five-star rating and supremacy over the rest. For me, the golden geese are aggressive Toddlerese, hand-checks, and feeding the meter. I’m sure each reader will come away with her or his own pick of life-altering tricks. That – and the fact that Karp and I agree that “the best way to convert a wild child into a happy tot is not with threats and force, but with respect, encouragement, consistency, and play” – is why he gets the top slot. This book is so packed with sound approaches and useful tips that it wins the parenting advice World Series despite its off-putting swagger and other imperfections. Go Yankees!

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was pleasantly surprised with this book. Not only is it an easy, quick read, but it's also really congruent throughout; everything fits together like a perfect puzzle. It's like you've hired a personal parent trainer who has provided you with a complete "work out" plan, and all the parts work together for the general benefit.

I went into it with the mentality of taking everything as a grain of salt (is that the expression? or is it "with" a grain of salt? neither really makes sense to me). My most general satisfaction with it comes from the fact that I definitely feel like I understand my daughter better, and I understand myself as a parent better. There are specific theories and suggestions that Dr. Karp presents that I found enlightening. I finally feel like it might be possible to discipline my daughter with love and be firm at the same time. I LOVE almost all of his suggestions for encouraging "green-light" behavior; some of my favorites were "time-ins" as a way to cut down on the need for time-outs, "gossip"(letting the tot overhear you telling other people--or her toys--how happy you are about something she did), and "special time" (corny name but great idea: setting aside 10 or so minutes a couple of times a day where your toddler has your undivided attention--no interruptions allowed--where you just play together or do whatever your child wants to do...this is in addition to all other play time and together time during the day). I liked the whole idea of going through "the side door" of your child's mind to encourage good behavior by catching others being good and by letting your child overhear you saying what kind of behavior makes you happy or sad. According to Dr. Karp (and it seems to make sense), children are more likely to believe praise and to conform to expectations if they overhear the information instead of being told it (praise) or being told to do it (living up to behavioral expectations).

At first I was skeptical about the overreaching applications and success of the fast-food rule and Toddler-ese, but then I had an testimonial-worthy experience. Today I was sitting on the couch by Emma. She kept trying to grab my book (this very book) from me, being extremely rough with the pages (the library wouldn't be too happy about it), and I reacted like I normally would: "Emma, no, no. This is Mommy's book. Here, you can have your own book." She just kept screaming and trying to tear the book away from me. So I figured, well, this is as good a time as any to try this stuff out. So I arranged my face and tone of voice to imitate what I hoped was about a third of her emotions and said, "You want Mommy's book! Emma says, 'Book! Book! I want book!' " She kept screaming. So I tried it again, upping my intensity a bit, since apparently I wasn't hitting her "sweet spot." She kept screaming, so I repeated my sympathetic, understanding verbage, and lo and behold, she stopped freaking out and let go of the book, completely calm. She looked up at me, and I could almost hear Dr. Karn's voice: "Now it's your turn to express your parental feelings and give the 'but' statement," so I said, "But sorry, this is Mommy's book. Here you go! Here's a book just for Emma!" She accepted her book and we were on our way. I'm converted. At least for today.

[edge of bubble · Rating 4 out of 5]

My baby is at the beginning of the toddler stage and I'm already at my wits' end. This book actually helped with our communication issues and my expectations. Motherhood is a learned helplessness situation mixed with a heavy dose of Stockholm syndrome. You need to learn to manage it as much as you can and most importantly learn to accept and love it. This book is a good step towards it.

Like most parenting books, it has a lot of parts you'll need to leave untouched and some parts you need to hug yourself to. You are going to need to figure out which is which yourself, since every life is unique to itself.

[Harmony · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I was so surprised to come onto Goodreads today and find that so many people gave the book low or mediocre ratings! I think that it basically comes down to doing what you feel is comfortable and successful. Perhaps the methods that Dr. Karp recommends don't sit well with all parents, or don't work for all children.

I really felt like the book further opened my eyes to how toddlers see the world. Many of things he recommended, I already do with the toddlers I babysit. The new ideas I gained from the book have only increased my skills in communicating with toddlers, working with them as a team instead of fighting for the desired behavior, and ultimately teaching these mighty spirits in little bodies to respect self and me.

This book continually had me chuckling.

[Sally · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think it's important to relate to your kids, to try to understand where they're coming from, to even speak to them on their level, respecting their abilities. But I will not get on the floor and cry in baby-speak just because my 2 year old is doing it! There are better, gentle, more dignified ways.

I was surprised that I didn't like this book (I actually watched the video) as much as The Happiest Baby on the Block because there were some ideas in the baby book that are right-on. Not so with the toddler book, in my opinion.

[Tayebe Ej · Rating 3 out of 5]

خب بالاخره تموم شد.. این کتاب رو از ۹ماهگی حنیف دارم میخونم، بنظرم مدل نوشته شدنش انقدر تکرار و توضیح و مثال داره که همینجوری خرد خرد باید خوندش تا ته‌نشین بشه. نمیگم همه ی تکنیک‌هاش به دردم خورده ولی اونقدری کارامد بوده که به اونایی که با بچه های ۱ تا ۴ ساله سروکار دارن توصیه‌اش کنم

[Gail · Rating 4 out of 5]

2019 REVIEW: Just as Harvey Karp gave me tips and tricks to survive the toddler years with my son, his "Happiest Toddler" book has saved me again as we enter this same age range with our daughter. So much emphasis in parenting books focuses on infancy or childhood, but for me, it's toddlerhood that is the most challenging phase and therefore deserves the most attention. Harvey's methods are (no exaggeration) life-changing (at least, they have been in the Werner house!) and this is a book that I will implore all my parent friends of little kids to read. Here is a great review of why I, too, swear by "Happiest Toddler on the Block"!

2014 REVIEW: I haven't even touched a parenting book since Dean was an infant, but once he hit that 17-month mark, the Toddler Tornado took us by surprise and I found myself grappling for how to handle the sudden meltdowns my son started having on me (much to my chagrin). No surprise that I would turn to Harvey Karp for answers, since his Happiest Baby on the Block book (he of the great "swaddling" fame) saved me as a new mother in those very early days of parenthood! His Toddler answer to his parenting series has been no different, providing me some GREAT solutions (and insight into the toddler mind) that have really helped sooth my frayed nerves during this difficult transition into a new era of parenting. As Harvey says, toddlers are challenging until they're about 4 or so —which means, you know, we've only got about another 2 years to get through this stage (and then it's all smooth sailing right? Right ;) ). SO grateful we have his advice to help us get through them!

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was actually surprised by how much I got out of this book. I never really used Dr. Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block techniques, although that was mainly because our little one was already older when I read it. But I thought I would check this one out, as I needed a little guidance for the toddler years!
Many of Dr. Karp's techniques sound a little ridiculous, and they honestly feel a little ridiculous at first, but I think they work. It's all about respecting your toddler by acknowledging how they feel, but in a way that they will understand. Setting clear limits and enforcing them is also paramount. I have been trying out the "Fast Food Rule" and "Toddler-ese" with my son, and I think they have helped him to feel more understood, and it gets us back on the right track when he starts to get upset about something. I don't use toddler-ese quite the way that Dr. Karp does (I just can't quite make myself talk to him like he's Tarzan), but using shorter phrases and repeating them seems to work.
Overall I think the focus on respect and praising positive behaviors is a really good way to think about the next couple of years. Toddlers aren't deliberately "bad" most of the time - they're just learning about their world, and we need to remember that.

[Cheryl · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is absolutely BIZARRE!!!! I picked it up last week at a bookstore's going-out-of-business sale, and I have mostly just been skimming it. But I had to stop, because it was so strange! The author advocates GROWLING at your child like a dog or a bear to get him to stop misbehavior! He also advocates speaking to your child in "caveman" language when trying to stop misbehavior or tantrums. Here is an example: "Cookie! Cookie! You want cookie! Cry! Cry! Cry! Emma Cry! You want! You want! You want cookie! Noooo! Noooo! Nooo cookie!" And supposedly, your child will just instantaneously stop crying and comply because you are using this bizarre method of commuication with your child that your child will understand because it is at his level. Um, really? Not in my house! I cannot imagine *growling* at my child to discipline him, not can I imagine speaking to my child in such a way. I can think of much better ways to parent my child than treating him in such an undignified, condescending manner. Don't waste your money on this book!

[Lynne · Rating 3 out of 5]

A solid basic parenting book for toddlers, although with a somewhat strange twist about considering your toddler to be a caveman. Most of his points are very good basic parenting advice, but the "toddler-ese" thing is a bit strange. Tried it with some of my patients and some of the parents out-right laughed at me or looked at me like I lost my mind and it didn't really actually help with the kid's distress. Definitely, it doesn't work on Spenser who just looks at me like I'm nuts and with an expression like, "Why aren't you talking to me in normal English like you normally do?" The jury is still out on the "toddler-ese"...

[Kars]

Who am I kidding? I am too busy raising twin toddlers to be reading books about it.

[Stephanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really liked Dr. Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block because it was so straight forward. This book? Not so much. He advocates talking to a child in what I find to be a silly and non-sensical way. If a child has a tantrum about say being hungry, for example, you're supposed to tell her: "You're hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry." I mean, I get that toddlers can't be reasoned with, and I understand his point that toddlers are essentially uncivilized cavemen, but really? I just can't do this toddlerese he suggests. Charlotte understands me. I don't speak in long sentences with her, so I don't need to resort to talking like this. Also, I really didn't like his suggestions about how to praise your child. He suggests you put little check marks on the child's hand whenever he or she does something worthy of praise. Then you're supposed to go through and tell your child ALL the wonderful things he or she did during the day during bedtime. We heaps tons of praise on Charlotte, but I kind of feel like parroting all of that back at the end of the day seems a little too much. I just didn't find anything useful with dealing with tantrums. I'm glad I checked this out from the library and didn't buy it.

One area of good information:

1) One area that I did feel was useful for most was Dr. Karp's suggestion that trying to distract a toddler doesn't help them feel better. They're not babies anymore and toddlers need to work out the issues. Distracting them won't stop them from being unhappy. The problem? Charlotte is a really happy baby, and she gets over things quickly, but sometimes she can't get herself to stop crying. Distraction works in this case! She needs something else to focus on. Her needs have been met, she just needs a little extra help to stop crying. But I can see that this isn't the case for most kids.

[Robert Wechsler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. Very repetitive, but Karp knows how much it takes to get people to try things that don’t feel quite right.

[محمد حمزة · Rating 3 out of 5]

يُستفاد منه.
والأفضل منه كتاب:
How to talk so little kids will listen
(وهو للتعتمل مع الأبناء ما بين 2 و 7)

شوال - 1445
نيسان - 2024

[Eve Lyons · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's tons of good suggestions in here, reading it when my son is only 1 year is a little overwhelming as I don't really know yet what kind of toddler he'll be, but I suspect I will return to it as his toddler years unfold. It's useful as an easy to read, philosophical approach to parenting - it's not about control or making our little "cavemen" into who we want them to be, it's about helping them navigate the world safely and become who they want to be, who they have the potential to be, and who they want to be.

[Özge İnci Göksel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Çocuk doktoru olan ve halen mesleğini icra etmeye devam eden Harvey Karp'ın yıllar süren tecrübe ve gözlemlerini aktardığı ve geliştirdiği kendine has yöntemlerle bezediği bu kitabı, okuduğum çocuk gelişim kitapları arasında en dolu dolu, en bilgi verici en faydalı ve etkileyici olanı oldu. Yalnız her şey muhteşem giderken sona yakın bölümlerden birinde uyku eğitimine dair uygulamalar paylaşması beni şaşırttı ve hayal kırıklığına uğrattı. O bölümler hariç, tekrar tekrar dönüp okuyacağım ve ihtiyaç duyacağım bir başucu kitabı.

[Amber Mangum · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read Happiest baby on the Block before having my son and I believe it helped greatly with the infant stage. So I decided to try out this one to help with my wild child. I highly recommend this book for anyone with toddlers or going to have toddlers. Even if you have an “easy” baby/toddler. Very informative and helps understand your child’s behavior especially when they are learning to communicate.

[Zeynep Tokcan Karabulut · Rating 3 out of 5]

Yardımcı olabilecek güzel fikirler var ancak çocuk psikolojisini olumsuz yönde etkileyecek davranış önerileri de mevcut. Kendi yetiştirme tarzıma uygun olan tavsiyeleri aldım, bazılarını da uygulamamaya karar verdim. Hatta insanları yanlış yönlendirebileceğini düşünüyorum.

[Kelsey McKinney · Rating 2 out of 5]

Two stars because I will try a few of the suggestions. But otherwise, this reads like the author wrote a 5 minute speech for Toastmasters and someone said “hey you should really stretch that out into a book!”

[Filip · Rating 3 out of 5]

I know that all children are different but I don't think the methods presented here (or rather two methods repeated ten times - there's a lot of repetition) would work very well on my child. With some pieces of advice I agree and I've reached them on my own, so if I'd read this book earlier, perhaps I'd have benefited more from it. Not bad and written in a clear way with lots of examples... but I don't think it's for me and my kid.

[Chrisanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

To be fair, my toddler is quite happy. I'm struggling a bit and needed some reminders. This provides them.

It could have been shorter. It has some new ideas. And I don't agree with everything he said. I also think peds are sometimes a bit too high on the pedestal. But worth a quick skim for some of the ideas.

[Anna · Rating 1 out of 5]

Nejhorší z knih o výchově, které jsem četla (tj. asi ze šesti).
Kdyby mě tak jako dítě někdo vychovával (a že některé rady jsou jednoznačně ozvěnou devadesátek), hrozně by mě to rozčilovalo.

Některé rady mi přišly nepoužitelné, jiné vyloženě směšné. Např. na str. 203: “než zasednete k obědu, pochodujte s dítětem třikrát kolem stolu s malým bubínkem”. Možná jsem to nějak nepochopila.

[Philitsa · Rating 2 out of 5]

A lot of this book didn't really resound for me except -- as others have stated -- the FFR. I use that all the time in my personal and professional lives, so it made sense to extend it to my daughter. There has been an improvement in her tantrum recovery time that I'll attribute to that. However, I simply refuse to speak like a caveman to her when she's upset. I just don't buy it. How will dropping pronouns and prepositions make her understand me more? I'm happy to hear from other parents on this, but I just don't see the benefit.

There were two other behaviors that I found myself doing that jumped out at me in the same section that made me say, "Duh... Stop doing that!"

1. Distraction -- My daughter gets PISSED at me if she's upset and I try to distract her out of it. It took this book to help me realize she's not a baby any more and distraction does not make her forget she's unhappy. As a matter of fact, this book astutely points out that a toddler will either get more angry that you don't understand them OR will accept your ignorance and bottle up their feelings. My girl definitely falls into the first camp. So, from now on, I won't try to distract her from her hurt feelings.

2. Rushing to "make it all better" -- Typical scene in my house: My daughter bumps her head, starts to cry, and I tell her that she's fine. She knows she's not fine, I know she's not fine, and yet I say it anyway. The book pointed out that doing so might inadvertently delivers the message that she needs to quickly regain composure and bottle up her feelings; that it's better to wait until she's actually fine or coming out of her angry/hurt state to tell her that she'll be fine. Otherwise, my words hold no water. Point taken, Doctor.

All of these was revealed to me in the first 65 pages. The rest of the book was just OK. No big epiphanies there.