خروج از مه: رهایی از سردرگمی ناشی از رابطه با نارسیست‌ها (خودشیفته‌ها) و رسیدن به شفافیت

by Dana Morningstar, حامد حکیمی (Translator)

نويسنده در اين كتاب واژه‌ی مه را، علاوه بر معناى اصلى‌اش، به عنوان سرواژه‌اى براى سه كلمه ترس، احساس‌وظيفه، و احساس‌گناه به كار برده است. به عقيده‌ى او، افرادى كه دیگران را بازى مى‌دهند از جمله نارسيست‌ها (خودشيفته‌ها) معمولاً از اين سه مورد استفاده مى‌كنند تا دیگران را كنترل كنند. وقتى نارسيست‌ها از اين هيجانات ما سوءاستفاده مى‌كنند، مه سردرگمی در ما ايجاد مى‌شود و به سختى مى‌توانيم بفهميم چه‌ اتفاقى دارد مى‌افتد و مشكل از چه‌كسى است و مهم‌تر از همه چه‌كارى بايد بكنيم تا از اين مه خارج شويم. ترس، احساس ‌وظيفه و احساس‌ گناه از اصلى‌ترين دلايلى است كه باعث مى‌شود ما براى مدت‌هاى طولانى در روابط سوء استفاده‌گیرانه گیر بيفتيم. اين كتاب شما را يارى مى‌كند تا ازمه سردرگمی بيرون آیید و به شفافيتى كه به دنبال آن هستيد برسيد.
در واقع، هرگونه رابطه با كسانى كه در سطح هيجانى از دیگران سوء استفاده مى‌كنند، یک نوع بازى است و تقريباً مثل همه بازى‌هاى دیگر، فرد نيازى به راهبردهاى پیشرفته براى برنده شدن ندارد، بلكه فقط بايد مفاهيم پایه‌اى را به‌خوبی درک كند.
چاپ ۱۴۰۴

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Relationships, Abuse, Counselling

312 pages, Paperback

First published November 21, 2017

Reviews

[Noelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very helpful book when you're wondering what to DO with all the knowledge you've gained in the 'research' phase of recovery. Her method is to compare/contrast what happens in an abusive relationship with a healthy relationship.. for example, "Sincere communication vs. insincere communication." Like most books on the subject, she puts the toxic relationship in the context of a romantic relationship, but does also refer to parent/child dynamics at times.

I found this book to be the most practical out of all that I have read on the subject so far. She spends a fair amount of time explaining what a normal, healthy relationship is like, which is invaluable for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families. Highly recommend.

[Antigone · Rating 2 out of 5]

Dana Morningstar refers to herself as a domestic violence educator. She's produced a blog, a podcast, a support group, and a couple of books that deal primarily with narcissistic abuse. She is, in essence, a layperson in the field; an activist rising from the pain of her own experience to focus on assisting others. Out of the Fog is her second work and is self-published.

There are several problems here; issues that are frequently encountered in the transition from cyberspace to hard-copy publication. Chief among those issues would be the need of an editor. There's far more forgiveness in blogging for poor sentence structure, faulty punctuation, disorganized presentation, repetitiveness and the like than there will ever be from a reader who's had to shell out his or her hard-earned cash for a record of your contentions. As much as we may roll our eyes at the boomer-archaicness of this, there's a bar to meet in book publishing, a standard that's been set by the industry over the course of an (un)virtual millennium, and one the reading public takes quite for granted. An editor will help you clear that bar. An editor, for example, would have pointed out the many times in this work the word "not" went missing. Do not do this, without the word "not" can be quite the critical slip. For example.

Another sorely felt absence was the author's own history of abuse. Credibility is an important factor in any authoritative work. An academic, a clinician, a professional of any kind will be providing their credentials to the potential reader of their book. What the layperson has that operates as a satisfactory set of bona fides is the grist of their experience. That grist must be presented and, in the more effective efforts, used as a foundation for the guidance an author is attempting to provide. Ms. Morningstar talks a lot about the importance of transparency. There was certainly a need for it here.

Last and perhaps just a sensitivity of mine came in the matter of tone. There was a stridency running throughout this text that I found sincerely off-putting. Sometimes it felt like a lecture, sometimes actual badgering. And that's a problem. When an author is aiming at a readership that has been wounded, that may be floundering, that is clearly reaching out in a literary manner for a patch of helpful ground, I think you have to be careful there. I think you have to be kind. I think you have to be measured, and safe, and strong in that literary alliance. I think you may be the very first person that reader has tried to trust for awhile, and I think you have to make allowances for that. Again, perhaps a personal quibble but a quibble nonetheless.

That Dana Morningstar is committed to helping people who have been severely abused, I have no doubt. This is one serious activist. Someday, possibly, a serious writer too. Just not quite yet.

[Heather Jacobsen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very useful information, especially if you are still in the midst of a narcissistic relationship and are still trying to understand it. I would have liked to have seen more of a section on practical steps one can take to heal after narcissistic abuse.

[Tabitha Leathers Coffey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Where all the other books, articles, and forums I've tried have lacked, this one NAILS it. It's given me so much to learn from and work on personally, and I couldn't recommend it enough for anyone coming from a place of abuse still trying to grasp what's actually healthy in all aspects of life. It gives background information in regards to abuse and disorders (be it workplace, family, romantic), personal solutions and responses for handling it and moving past it, along with learning the signs to step away beforehand, but most importantly, it gives you the confidence to no longer allow it or make excuses for it in a rational way with examples. The lightbulb goes off and you're able to start identifying and making changes in all aspects.
Dana Morningstar gets it, but she not only explains it and breaks things down; she offers encouragement, options, and solutions that can work for whatever situation we may find ourselves in, along with the red flags within ourselves and others we need to cue in on and set boundaries for. I see this as a manual anyone can benefit from when it comes to ourselves and the people around us.

[Melanie white · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author has such knowledge about this topic she was like a fly on my wall for almost two of the worst years of my life!

The author is right on it. It's as if she was the fly on the room for a year and a half. I know I am not alone I currently have 3 best frienda going through this as well.
After 4 months he wanted me to .I've on with him. After 2 months ago agreed and Dr. Jekyll became a Mr. Hyde he was so mean with his belittling I thought where is the person I was in love with? Why now is he so critical of my every move? I left after 4 months. A free woman! But she's so right it so hard to let go because we are still waiting for the that first person we meet. He was seriously abused as a boy. He could write a book. But at 56 I am smart enough to get my head out of the sand and move forward. Unfortunately I still here his angry voice on my head critizing and bullying me.
I really want to thank the author for writing this book. How grateful I feel now. More empowered to move forward and carry on with or without a man!

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are in any relationship that persists out of fear, obligation, and guilt (that’s where the FOG comes in), this book is for you. You don’t need the other person diagnosed as an official “narcissist," because that diagnosis almost never happens anyway. If a person in your life is totally self-absorbed, grudge-holding, thin-skinned, responsibility-avoidant, and is manipulative and controlling, that’s enough for you to need this book. The DSM-5 has a definition that causes many clinicians to miss narcissism, because not all narcissists are as obvious as, say, the Orange Menace. Many narcissists are the covert or vulnerable type, characterized by a need to be seen as vulnerable or fragile, constantly complaining, anxious, and envious. Coverts will often describe themselves as “introverts” and “highly sensitive people,” and while there’s a Venn overlap, these are not the same things.

This book is very focused on intimate-partner abuse but is still useful to people dealing with non-intimate-partner abuse, because all narcissist abuse shares some aspects. I’m highlighting some concepts that were especially relevant to me as someone who’s dealt with a non-intimate-partner narcissist.

Thought holes: a pothole of the mind. Thought holes are unintended bad advice from others that can derail our progress. Well-intended bad advice “encourages people to put themselves in situations or relationships that are a threat to their safety and/or sanity.” This bad advice can come from anyone: a therapist, a friend, a lawyer, a priest. With practice and research, it becomes easier to identify well-intentioned bad advice and ignore it.

What’s healthy vs. What’s “normal": The book is organized in an extremely helpful way as sets of simple dichotomies like this: what a normalized narcissistic concept is vs. what a healthy concept is. People coming out of narcissistic abuse are like people leaving a cult. They can’t see which way is up. They have warped ideas of what’s okay, stemming from both the narcissist’s abuse and from problematic cultural messages that support the narcissist. Morningstar reminds you that what's "normal" isn't always what is healthy, and she lays out what’s healthy in stark, easy-to-understand terms. All the dichotomies in the book have on one side a “healthy” concept, contrasted with the problematic one. Very grounding—really, for everyone.

It’s a problem vs. It could be worse. This is a thought hole. Just because it could be worse doesn’t mean it isn’t a problem. It’s absurd to say otherwise, but it’s one of our society’s favorite go-tos. “At least he didn’t hit you.” “At least you were fed and sheltered; lots of kids are homeless.” People will say these things to you, and you will say them to yourself. But if someone’s behavior is a problem, then it’s a problem even if it could be worse. If you’re still alive it could literally always be worse: that part is irrelevant. Are you supposed to wait until you’re dead to stick up for yourself?

Caring vs. Caretaking: Caring is about empowering others to troubleshoot their own problems, includes healthy boundaries, and allows people to suffer natural consequences of their actions without rescuing them. Caretaking is rescuing people and enabling bad behavior. It entails being stuck, not moving forward. Establishing healthy boundaries and deal breakers is critical, but difficult, for abuse survivors. When you care for someone, you have boundaries. When you caretake, you don’t.

Don’t hold out hope for a diagnosis: Narcissists are unlikely ever to be formally diagnosed, for several reasons: they don’t seek treatment because obviously they aren’t the problem, everyone else is. When they do seek treatment, therapists are unlikely to see personality disorders and abuse stemming from them because they rarely trained in these disorders. Instead they are trained to see everything as “an interpersonal problem” and to focus you on “what YOU can change to improve the relationship.” Finally, and this one is more my suspicion than what she says in the book, therapists aren’t going to piss off their clients by giving them a diagnosis that is basically, “You’re an irredeemable jerk.” (Some personality disorders are a little easier to own and work on than NPD.) So, since you will almost certainly never have the satisfaction of seeing you abuser formally diagnosed, let that hope go. Yes, it would be extremely validating, but you don’t need it to move forward.

You don’t have to justify why you are ending a relationship. Being treated poorly is reason enough to leave. If time spent with someone almost always makes you feel worse than before, that’s a signal that this person is toxic and you don’t need to fix them or keep them in your life. You don’t have to explain that to anyone or get permission.

A parent vs. a predator: Anyone who is fertile can have a child. A true parent nurtures and loves a child. “Just because a person has a child doesn’t make them a parent; it’s their parenting of that child that makes them a parent.” If you weren’t parented properly, then that person hasn't earned the benefits that go with the label “parent.” Many people use, abuse, and exploit their own children, and those children keep “holding onto hope that this predator can become the parent they always wanted or needed.” It’s incredibly painful to realize this will never happen, but the sooner you grok it, the sooner you can let that lead balloon go. You don’t owe adults anything merely based on their relation to you.

Fleas: Many people who’ve survived a relationship with a narcissist catch “fleas” of problematic behavior. The difference between a narcissist and someone who has picked up fleas is that the latter can recognize the behavior, take responsibility for it, and work to change it.

Acceptance vs. Allowance. Acceptance means you recognize that this is how the person behaves: this is who they were, are, and will always be. It’s an attitude, not an action. Allowance is an action: it means that you allow a person to stay in your life even though their behavior is disruptive, destructive, disempowering, destabilizing, exhausting, upsetting, and crazy-making.

Reacting vs. Responding: Reacting is the gut-level, instant reflex. Responding is thought-out. With time you can practice letting the reflexive reaction come and go, before consciously creating a thoughtful, calm response. (This is slightly different than what she said, but is my mindfulness spin on things.)

Healthy communication vs. Hoovering: Hoovering is designed to pull a person back into the abuser’s orbit though “saying all the right things, begging, pleading, texting and emailing multiple times, promising change, offering to do therapy, or messages that are designed to provoke or instill fear, such as ‘I’m going to kill myself tonight, I hope you’re happy.’” To that “fear” campaign, I would add any campaign that hits on the “obligation and guilt” factors of the FOG. Healthy communication isn’t crazy-making. People in healthy relationships don’t force you to stay in contact with them out of fear, obligation, or guilt.

Nobody is perfect vs. Tolerating abusive behavior. This is similar to “it could be worse.” It’s thought-hole that well-intentioned people may say to get a target to keep an abusive person in their lives. Like “it could be worse" and other thought holes, nobody has to say it. It's a cultural meme, a constant minimizer floating in the air. “Abusive behavior isn’t a mistake, and it’s not an anger issue, it’s intentional behavior that’s driven by power and control.” If you are walking on eggshells and “continually try to read the abuser’s mind and anticipate their mood,” this is a big problem. If someone tries to convince you to put up with a pattern of abusive behavior by telling you, “nobody is perfect,” you are being manipulated. If a relationship leaves you feeling depleted, worn down, depressed, or anxious, then it’s not about someone being imperfect: it’s about abusive behavior.

The right therapist vs. The wrong therapist. There are bad therapists out there, and well-meaning but mediocre ones, and ones that are excellent for some problems but not for yours. Personality disorders are weirdly overlooked in the therapy world. Very few therapists specialize in them, much less specialize in helping someone recover from narcissistic abuse. Do some research into NPD and abuse recovery, and search for therapists who list "narcissist-abuse recovery" as a specialty. Yes: it is a specialty that exists. Furthermore, and this is just me speaking, not summarizing the book: If a therapist doesn't know even as much as you can get from a few hours of research on narcissism, keep looking. In the meantime, find the YouTube channels of Dr. Todd Grande, Dr. Les Carter, and Dr. Ramani Durvasula. And read more books and/or listen to more podcasts on surviving NPD abuse.

Rehashing is OK: “What a person needs most when they are fresh out of a narcissistically abusive relationship is to feel validated, safe, believed, listened to, and empowered to keep finding their voice in all this.” A therapist who will do this is helpful. A therapist (or friend, or anyone) who wants you to “move on” and even worse, encourages you to “fix your relationship,” is not the right person for this situation. The “rehash” phase can go on for months or even years. Be patient with yourself.

Forgetting vs. Forgiving: “The concept of ‘forgetting’ is a popular among dysfunctional families, especially when there is abuse involved. … It often gets twisted into being a part of forgiveness, which in turn is twisted to mean reconciliation.” Life in a dysfunctional family “is all about being forced to walk on eggshells and avoiding elephants in the room.” Balance means developing healthy boundaries to keep yourself safe and sane, and realizing others may not be OK with you doing this. It can mean walking away from the flying monkeys, too. In fact, you don’t have to forgive or forget anything, certainly not for anyone else's convenience. But over time, you can process what happened and learn to put the abuse in its place so you’re able to move on. For me, "moving on" is about reclaiming my time and energies for something else. The narcissist in my life has already taken far too much from me—I want my thoughts back.

A few more quotes from the book on forgiveness:

“It is not being forgiving to allow a person who is dangerous and destructive (especially if they aren’t sincerely remorseful) to remain an active part of your life; that is being foolish, and will only set you up for further hurt and heartache.”

“You can forgive and forget a single instance of bad behavior if it is properly acknowledged—but if a pattern forms, then the apologies begin to sound hollow, and you question the person’s intent or ability to change behavior. … If they don’t have accountability, remorse, and if the issue keeps happening, and we keep forgiving them when all they offer up is more empty words, then this isn’t forgiveness, it’s us being in denial.”

Fairness vs. Growth: Accept that "fairness" isn't a thing. You may never get an apology, an acknowledgment, or see justice. The other people the narcissist is manipulating may never see things the way you do, may reject your framing of the situation, and you have to let that go: you can’t get what you want from the abuser, and you can’t make other people see the light until they’re ready—but you can still move on. And you can turn the unfairness of what happened to you into an opportunity for growth. There is a thing called post-traumatic growth (PTG): “With great pain can come great transformation.” This doesn’t happen for everyone but with effort, a survivor can turn their experience into clarity and self-actualization.

Editing/edition note: I'm reading other reviews now that note editing errors, including spelling, grammar, and repetition. There are paragraphs repeated verbatim in the book, which is an editing error, but which didn't bother me because I can use the repetition. I listened to and read the book both, often listening to a section and then re-reading it immediately after, as if for an exam, so I was already doing repetition. I do recommend the audiobook as she's a good narrator and somehow I absorbed the information better when I heard it. (Not always true of audio vs visual.) The other benefit of an audiobook is there are no spelling errors. :)

[Candace · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great resource when you are coming out of Fear. Obligation. Guilt. She explains what is a healthy relationship and how it works, which seems basic, but so important for those that grew up in or married into these relationships. "Poop in your Soup" is a great way to describe not allowing abuse in a relationship. If there was a little poop in your soup, you wouldnt eat it, its toxic. Then, dont allow any amount of abuse/self-doubt in your relationship. Also, liked PTG - Power Through Growth. Your voice/confidence/dreams get buried trying to "prove" yourself to a narcissist. There is so much power in allowing those things to bloom again.

[Richard · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good book and thought-provoking. I have an issue though - being a man, having had 2 narcissistic parents - 40% of those unfaithful are women, men suffer the same problems! Children of narcissists often seek narcissists (there are male children too). In listening to the book it seems as thought the author was writing for women. Women abusers often use "triangulation" their fathers , brothers, exes, and even sons to bully the "target" . Women too, are abusive (flirting, being unfaithful, violent behavior, making excuses for drinking and staying "Out") and women can "fake" the reality (love-bombing, manipulate, stay friends with men who they know are interested in them). Women will more likely "minimize" their targets (including leveraging women friends) - their careers, masculinity, goad them in public.

I know men can be much more abusive and dangerous- but often differently.

The premises and examples are very valid but the examples are one-way and should have been more fully researched from the other side.

[Books Books Reading · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommend everyone who has even the tiniest inkling they may have hung out with someone narcissistic at any point read this!!! Super helpful and validating!

Weird amount of typos tho

[Carrie · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, let me say that this book could use some additional editing and some proofreading. The missing words and some of the sentence structure make this somewhat difficult to read. However, the content and the messages are spot on. Anyone who has grown up with or been in a relationship with a narcissist or manipulative/abusive person would benefit from these balanced perspectives. The FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) is real and finding your way clear of it takes time and effort and learning to trust your instincts and yourself.

I like the inclusion of quotes from those who have emerged and found their path. One of my favorites is this: “At first I was so focused on trying to sort out whether a person was a narcissist or if they were just a normal person who lies and manipulates. Now my focus is on how I feel around people. I no longer tolerate confusing or crazy-making relationships or friendships. If anything starts to feel “off” or if I start questioning or doubting myself wondering if I can trust them or if I’m making a big deal out of nothing, I distance myself from that person. I don’t feel unsettled or unnerved around normal people with good intentions.”

And I found this quote particularly meaningful, “You get to choose who and want (sic) you want in this next chapter in your life, and you can get rid of all kinds of limiting beliefs about who you are and what you are capable of. This takes work, but it can be done, and it starts with making small, empowering decisions about who and what you let into (or keep) in your life on a regular basis.”

[Rachel Meyers · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is one I find extremely helpful and worth reading more than once to wipe the eyes of the heart to see better. Highly recommend.

[Lanre Dahunsi · Rating 4 out of 5]

The “FOG” is an acronym for fear, obligation, and guilt, and was coined by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier in their book Emotional Blackmail to describe the emotions most commonly used by emotional manipulators to gain and keep control over others and over certain situations. When these emotions are being exploited, a “fog” of confusion sets in, and the person in the fog has a hard time sorting out what’s really going on and who has the issue—and, most importantly, what they need to do to get out (and stay out) of this fog.

FOG is an acronym that stands for “Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.” These three emotions are often at the core of manipulation and are often how narcissists, sociopaths, and other types of emotional manipulators go about controlling their targets.

Well-Intended Bad Advice

For many targets of emotional manipulators, the emotions of fear, obligation, and guilt are only part of the fog of confusion. And emotional manipulators are only some of the people that are FOG-inducing. The FOG can also come in the form of well-intended bad advice about commitment, family, and friendship from pretty much every- one: friends, family, therapists, culture, religious leaders and texts, and society as a whole.

The FOG is one of the main reasons that people stay “stuck” in abusive relationships for so long, why they continue to get involved with abusive people, why they feel that they are the problem, and why they tend to feel that the abuse is somehow their fault.

This type of bad advice is not only prevalent, but it’s oftenpassed off as good advice and is just as insidious and destructive as abuse itself.

When a person is being manipulated they have a hard time figuring out who has the problem, what is normal, what is problematic, and if their wants, needs, and feelings are valid. The disastrous effects of being lost in the FOG are confusion, crazymaking, people-pleasing, and erosion of boundaries. What makes this well-intended bad advice so damaging is that, on the surface, it seems like good advice–especially if it’s coming from people who seem to have our best interests in mind, such as friends, family, church members, support group members, or a therapist.


The well-intended bad advice that comes from other people include: “Who are you to judge?”, “No one is perfect.”, “You need to forgive them.”, “She’s your mother, you need to have a relationship with her…she’s not getting any younger you know.”, “Family is forever”, “It could be worst, stop complaining.”, “Commitment is forever.”

Thought Holes

A thought hole is to our thinking what a pothole is to our vehicle, Meaning, if we hit one, it can cause a lot of damage, leaving us stranded along the road to health and healing and stuck in an emotional fog. What makes a thought hole so hard to see is that they are everywhere, and the worst ones tend to be hidden in the thickest emotional fog out there. Because they are so hard to see, we often don’t realize we’ve hit one until we are much further down the road—and worse, we don’t know how to stop hitting them if we don’t realize they are what’s causing us so much damage. We all go through life hitting these “thought holes” until we experience enough pain from the damage that we realize what we’re doing isn’t working and that we need to do something different.

The Wakeup call

Our spheres of influence shape our thinking, feelings, and actions. They shape our morals and values, feelings and actions about ourselves and about others, and the way we interact with the world. Because we all are our own baseline for what’s normal, and because it’s human nature to befriend and be around other people who are similar to us, it often takes a tremendous amount of pain for us to have a wake-up call that perhaps our thinking and actions, or the advice that we’ve been taking from those closest to us is all a big part of the problem. It’s like the saying goes, “the last thing the fish notices is the water” and it often takes a person decades to realize they’ve been swimming in a sea of dysfunction and dysfunctional thinking.

Deal Breaker

If a person’s behavior is problematic for you then that’s worthy of being a deal breaker. It doesn’t matter if everyone else is telling you it’s not a personality disorder or is somehow workable or even normal—if it’s a problem for you then it’s a problem. It’s sort of like trying to determine what kind and how much poison is in the water you are drinking when the reality is poison is poison, and any amount that you are ingesting is going to be harmful to you.

A Partner vs. A Target A Partner

A partner is someone who is ready, willing, and able to work together as a team towards some sort of shared goal. Some examples of shared goals might be: to be happily married, to raise children into healthy, responsible adults, or to have a certain degree of financial stability. When two people with a true team mentality come together as far as dating, marriage, friendship, or in a work environment, they create a partnership.

A Target

To be a target means to be someone who has been selected to be on the receiving end of some sort of attack, whether that at- tack is to be abused, used, exploited, or neglected in some way. Narcissists often form dynamics with people whom they have targeted as a source of “supply.”

Abuse is about Control and Power

Most people tend to think that anger issues, poor coping methods, ineffective communication, addiction, or stress are at the core of abusive behavior. While many of these behaviors and issues go hand-in-hand with abusive behavior, they are not the root cause of it. The core of abusive behavior is the desire to get and keep power and control over others and over situations—and this need for power and control comes out in seven main ways: verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, spiritual, and/or physical. When abuse is present, it is very rare that it’s only one type of abuse.

Rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength.

Normal vs Abuse Relationship

The most important difference between a normal relationship and an abusive relationship is that an abusive relationship is a one-sided relationship where one person has all (or the majority) of the power and control and is focused on what they want—especially when the other partner isn’t looking—and feels entitled and justified in treating others, their partner, and their relationship however they want. And generally, the other one is either scared to leave, focused on keeping the relationship together at all costs, or is forever trying to figure out how to “fix” their partner’s behavior.

Normal Problematic Behavior vs. Normalizing Problematic Behavior

“Normal” problematic behavior in a relationship depends on what the person is used to experiencing. It may include abuse, addiction, adultery, or to being lied to, manipulated, deceived by a partner, belittled, degraded, yelled at, or to feel ignored or ground down—or to be treated in any other ways that show a lack of respect or regard for your feelings. While these things might be “normal” they for sure aren’t healthy—which is why I’m not a fan of having “normal” be a measurement of what’s workable.

Normalizing problematic behavior

Normalizing problematic behavior is what we do when they try to justify and minimize (normalize) problematic behavior (generally some form of abuse, addiction, adultery) and try to convince ourselves that what our partner is doing is somehow justifiable and workable. The first sign of problematic behavior is always confusion. We are confused not only because we are being manipulated, but because on some level we know what we are experiencing is a problem, but we don’t want to believe it.

it’s a mistake to expect loyalty from someone who won’t even give you honesty.

Cognitive dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is the mental distress we feel when we have two conflicting thoughts about the same topic at the same time. The reason this is distressing is because we all need our thoughts to line up with our actions. If they don’t, then we are acting in a way that doesn’t make sense. So in order to ease that mental distress, one of two things needs to happen: we either need to change our thoughts to match our actions, or change our actions to match our thoughts. This mental distress starts off as a feeling of confusion, and over time it progresses to feelings of mental anguish, anxiety, depression, anger, and rage.

[Jordan · Rating 5 out of 5]

So far, this is the best book I’ve read on recovery after toxic or dysfunctional relationships, and I’ve read a handful! I felt so validated and empowered by the wisdom in here and I’m sure I will revisit my notes again and again.

“…Companionship, relationships, and friendships are an enjoyable and rewarding part of life, but only if they are with people who actually treat us with dignity and respect. Anything less, and we feel drained, exhausted, perpetually “confused,” anxious, depressed, nervous, distrusting, and overall unhappy. The great irony in this is that if we are holding onto relationships that don’t nourish us because we think crumbs are better than nothing, we will continually find ourselves with a string of failed relationships and friendships, because these dynamics were forged from a place of fear and scarcity and not from a place of self-love and abundance.” (p. 314) AMENNNNN

[Saff · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book provided so much clarity and validation. The concepts were easy to digest, well explained, and backed up with practical real-life examples. If you feel like you've been gaslit, or your brain is in a fog and you're confused out of your mind trying to validate your experience or even just make sense of it, this is a great book.

[Ntombezinhle Nzama · Rating 4 out of 5]

In life we go through experiences that leave you shattered, confused and distrusting of your own judgements. I love how in his Book Dana shows the difference between healthy behaviors and the dysfunctional. It Just helps one pinpoint what you went through and gives insights of other people's experiences which is also really helpful

[Sydney Deitrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

so easy to read! i learned so much from this book and genuinely found clarity. also was about to understand some things about myself and learn how to improve myself in the process. worth the read to all audiences!

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an important book for me. Very educational and really gave me some language around my experience.

Keep moving in the direction of what is empowering

I realize that, at its core, good advice is advice that encourages and empowers a person to do what they need to do in order stay safe and sane. Well-intended bad advice is advice that encourages people to put themselves or continue to put themselves in relationships that are a threat to their safety or sanity. What is safe and sane for one person is different than it is for another.

A great way to tell if a situation falls within normal behavior versus normalizing problematic behavior is to imagine telling the healthiest most well-adjusted person exactly what is going on and then imagine their response. If it would sound problematic to them, then odds are it’s a problem, and you are trying to normalize it. Another test of what you are experiencing is to imagine what advice would give someone you care deeply for such as a younger, sibling or a good friend if they were in the same situation.

Brutal honesty can be a form of abuse.

I keep trying to convert ___ into someone who treats me well. Who respects my opinion. Who respects my autonomy. And I keep thinking that if only I can prove my worth, he will grant me the support.
I keep trying to get him to understand that what he says and does to me is hurtful. And if only I can say it differently, he will understand, and things will change.

You don’t like or respect him or the way he handle situations.
You’d be upset if you found out your child, or friend was dating someone like them
You feel like you’ve give and you give, and it is never enough
You want the dynamic to stop. You want the abuse to stop, but you feel like they’re your soulmate and that you can work this out.
You can’t tell if this relationship is a fairytale or a nightmare
It’s really important that the people in your inner circle have your best interest in mind
One of an abuser’s greatest tools in their tool kit is their charm
Narcissists are often wildly flirtatious
You are never exploited in a healthy relationship
If you were to act in the same way they act, they would be mad as hell
An enemy doesn’t have your best interest in mind. Enemies create chaos and undermine you in whatever way they want to in order to get their needs met.
If someone has an agenda or is abusive or cruel, they are an enemy
Frenemies are the most dangerous, because they will damage you while acting like they have your best interest in mind
True respect is a deep state of admiration and appreciation
Abusive people will often times tell their targets that they treat them abusively because the target isn’t worthy of being treated respectfully because the target hasn’t earned it
An abuser turns things around so that when you say you want better treatment, they say you aren’t accepting them for who they are

Honestly, it doesn’t matter whether the person has a diagnosable personality disorder. In the end, if their behavior is problematic for you, it is a problem.

Do you learn quickly through their rage or their silent treatment you have no right to call them out on anything

Any request you make for them to change is the start of World War III. And in the end, you end up thinking that you are really the one that has to change.

But the abuse doesn’t stop when you “do better.” Because you are not the one causing their abuse, you also cannot stop their abuse, no matter how good or perfect you are. And while all of this is going on, your boundaries have been washed away without your even knowing it.

You get so caught up in self reflection: am I being ungenerous? Am I being selfish? Am I asking them to change?

You end up having to do a lot of mental gymnastics to keep up with the other person

their assertions are made with incredible confidence and bravado. You lose track of what you were even

If someone says to you, “when you yelled at me, it made me feel…”. How do you respond? Are you a perpetrator?

It’s not OK to give me orders

There are relationships and than there are “Manipulationships”

Do not confuse this for love. Love is not abusive. Love does not leave the recipient of that love feeling emotionally devastated and ground down.

Feeling of perpetual confusion, having ongoing mental anguish, and living with someone with a Dr., Jekyll Mr. Hyde personality, feeling like you’re in an emotional meat grinder.

Gaslighting, manipulating the children and the therapist, threats of self harm, rage, verbal abuse. Claiming to have some sort of illness, claiming my mom would disown me if she knew of my behavior.

Amy: I just remember how often I had to recover when I had an interaction with my husband. It felt like I was constantly having to recover from HIM

Once a person shows their true colors, believe what you see. don’t try to justify it, don’t try to fix it, just run.

Having an excuse, no matter what it is, including traumatic childhood are not valid reasons for hurting other people. If a person has unresolved individual issues that are negatively impacting you or your relationship it’s a mistake to give them a free pass to continue to hurt you because of their past. It can be easy to get caught up in the guilt and obligation and to think that we are somehow responsible for healing someone else, and true healing doesn’t work this way. Only they can do the work of healing their own wounds, so please don’t lose sight of the larger picture and try to justify dealbreaker behavior and turn it into workable behavior because you feel guilty or because you want to hold onto the fantasy

Omg, I, Amy, have had a double standard! Expecting myself to behave in a certain way, while allowing a completely different level of behavior from David

So while you can love the abusive person in your life, it can’t be at the expense of loving yourself enough to keep yourself safe and sane

Having sincere communication with an abusive person will only serve to set you up to be used, abused, and exploited

It’s common to have guilt for not having open and honest communication with an abusive person. Targets often feel that they are doing something wrong by not responding to the abusive person‘s text messages. Please know that stopping sincere your communication with an abusive person is not problematic, it’s healthy. And it’s time you go into protection mode.

Look at their behavior. Would you ever treat them or anyone else like that?

Power and control, masked as persistence and commitment

They use charm and intensity

It is like a child who wants a toy and will try everything to get it

The abusers past behavior is not the problem. The fact that the abuser is an abuser is the problem.

An abuser often encourages the couple to get a fresh start. This moves the person being abused away from their support system.

Narcissists often use inappropriate guilt on their targets

A great way to tell if you are experiencing inappropriate guilt is to ask yourself if you are feeling bad about holding boundaries or otherwise acting in a way that you need to to protect your safety or sanity

Even though the abuser justifies their behavior to themselves, on some level, they know it is not appropriate. That is why they don’t act that way in front of other people. I had this exact situation with David , where he was over the moon complementary of me to other people, even though he was so critical to me to my face. Wow.

If a target confronts them about their behavior, or often times, confronts them at all, they are greeted by a barrage of abuse.

It is an exercise in frustration and crazy making to be rational with a person who is rationalizing their behavior to this extent. If a person continues to rationalize their behavior, then they don’t see a problem with it and they will continue to have that behavior.

It’s a whole other level of abuse because the manipulator tries to change the targets perception. This is the core of gaslighting, which is basically doing something problematic and then denying it and blaming the target for not seeing the situation correctly. When someone is constantly told that the problem is them, they start to believe it

Twisting their verbal knives into old wounds they know you have

just continuously ask yourself if you find it acceptable to act the way they are acting. Secondly, how would they react if you did what they did to you?

Manipulators can dish it, but they can’t take it

Love is based on honesty and trust, and involves a person being treated with dignity and respect. Love is the feeling of safety and security. Love is knowing where you stand and knowing that the other person is on the same team as you.

Make a list of why you left and all the horrible things that they did. This way when nostalgia hits, you can remind yourself how this person has two sides.

You can’t people please your way into being treated well by an abusive person. All this does is make you more of a target.

Visualize having two different buckets: your self-worth bucket, and your hurt feelings bucket. Just because something hurts your feelings does not mean you should allow it to affect your self-worth.

This is your life, it is not a democracy.

While there may be two sides to every story, not every side is equally valid or even honest.

Abusive behavior is behavior that is disempowering defining, demeaning, devaluing, degrading, destructive, dangerous, or deadly towards another person. At the core of all abusive behavior is one persons need. To gain, and keep power and control over their target and over the situation.

Reactive abuse is abuse that is in response to being abused. One difference is that a reactive abuser typically is no longer abusive once they are away from their abuser. The only good thing about someone becoming reactively abusive is that it is usually a sign they have hit their emotional rock-bottom, and is their first step to getting out of the abusive relationship. They start to realize that they simply can’t be around this abusive person because it is causing such dramatic and radical changes in their own behavior

I had to leave because I didn’t like the person I was becoming

Going through so much together, versus being put through so much by them

One day you will shake your head and how you ever could have confused being treated this abusively with love. And when this does happen, try to be compassionate with yourself for not seeing their manipulations for what they were. Normal decent people don’t even have their radar set to skin for these kinds of people or these kinds of manipulations.

David had a different way of isolating me. He just needed me so much that it encouraged me to cut out everything else in my life so that I could tend to him and hopefully appease him.

I realize now that none of how I was treated or what I felt was love. Love makes a person feel comfortable confident, safe and relaxed. I felt the exact opposite in that relationship. I loved him like an addict loves heroin. That is not love, that is an addiction.

Hoovering is a term named after a Hoover vacuum. And it is used to describe any attempt made by a narcissist is designed to re-open communication with their target. The intention of a Hoover is usually to suck the target fully back into the manipulation shop, provoke a response from the target which is a form of supply because it makes a narcissist, feel smug and superior to upset them, or to suck the target back into their pipeline. Hoovering can be as simple as them texting hi. It can also be the abuser looking for sympathy.

It is really difficult to have harmless communication with an abusive person. You may have to go through a third-party communication app. Don’t let his reaction to this sway you away from doing it. Or allow him telling you that you are the one being difficult and that you are the one causing expenses.

Abuse is like poop in your soup. No amount is okay.

You don’t owe a toxic person one more second of your time.

It can be hard to tell the difference between sincerity and intensity

The sympathy of good and decent people is often prayed upon by emotional manipulators, because it is such a great way to hook people in. Good and decent people will often think that other people in the world are like them and so they tend to take people at face value. And if someone is reaching out to them, or has some sort of sad story as an excuse to justify their behavior many people will gloss over the problematic behavior because they feel sorry for this person. If a person feels pity when a situation more appropriately calls for anger or fear this can lead to them having skewed thinking or actions that put them in danger where, instead of distancing themselves from problematic people they get physically or emotionally closer. Emotional manipulators know this, and they are relying on it. And their level of manipulation can be brought to jaw-dropping levels when this happens.

If you are letting your guard down around person who has a pattern of hurtful and harmful behavior because you feel guilty sad concerned, obligated, please know we’re being manipulated.

Research Stockholm syndrome

A psychological defense mechanism to help prevent themselves from collapsing emotionally. If they could convince themselves that their captors were normal, decent people, and it made them feel like they had a chance of surviving the situation. The dynamics of a hostage situation, including Stockholm syndrome are very similar to the dynamics of an abusive relationship. The partner of an abusive person often feels a desperate clinging to the relationship. This is in part because an abusive person is rarely abusive all the time and it confuses the partner into thinking that the relationship can work out and that things really aren’t that bad. People hold onto crumbs of kindness that show that not only is the captor not that bad, but they’re actually a decent and lovely person. Look

When someone is married to an abusive person, they have a lot of reasons not to walk away. So they need to believe that they can change the situation by changing their own behavior.

The adapted golden rule:
Do unto yourself as you would do on to others. Treat yourself, as well as you would treat others.

They are so full of themselves, that they don’t have room to think about other people. They are so focused on their own wants and needs that they aren’t available to think about others.

Erring on the side of caution is being realistic. Remember, if you have been around productive situations for a long time, you often won’t recognize the signs. So, ask yourself how you would advise a dear friend or your child in the situation. Or ask yourself how the healthiest person you know would handle the situation. Err on the side of caution.

Problematic behavior always starts with confusion, and we don’t know if the problem is us or the problem is them.

When someone gets out of an abusive relationship, especially one that had covert abuse, the person has a hard time understanding why they are so nervous or angry or terrified this is especially true if there is nothing, they can concretely point to and say this is how they abused me. And because they can’t explain why a certain something, especially, if it seems benign to others, makes them come unglued — it makes them doubt themselves. You feel this way because an abusive relationship is a confusing relationship, and that confusion doesn’t end when the relationship ends.

It doesn’t matter whether the other person fits a label, whether they are a narcissist or psychopath, or whatever. It matters how you feel around them. Start judging whether you should be in a relationship with someone by the way that you feel around them. Wow.

[Maria Pairitz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this is a must read for anyone. While it is specifically about narcissists, it is an enlightening look into setting boundaries and what healthy relationships look like.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

The writing is mediocre and the editor did a less than stellar job (typos, grammatical errors, and quite a bit of repetition), but don’t let that prevent you from reading this book. It’s not about the writing/editing but the ideas, and even after years of extensive bibliotherapy and eight months working weekly with a very gifted trauma therapist I still found myself having one epiphany after another. That being said, most of the abusers in my life have been family members, and I felt that this book focused more on intimate partner abuse, so some of the examples were less relevant to me. I wish there had been a little more balance in that respect, but I still found the book invaluable (and if you are experiencing domestic violence or are a survivor, please read this book!).

Some of the most important takeaways for me personally were:

*Fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG): “[Describes] the emotions most commonly used by emotional manipulators to gain and keep control over others and certain situations. When these emotions are being exploited, a ‘fog’ of confusion sets in and the person in the fog has a hard time sorting out what’s really going on and who has the issue.”
*Diagnoses don’t matter (i.e. it doesn’t matter if someone is or is not clinically defined as a “narcissist,” “sociopath,” etc.); if a relationship is problematic for you, then it is a problem.
*When we are confused by what we are experiencing, it is probably because it is a problem.
*You never have to justify why you are ending a relationship; if it is harmful to you, then you can simply leave.
*If you are unsure if what you are experiencing is a problem (i.e. if you are confused), ask yourself if you or the healthiest person you know would ever would ever do/say what was done/said to you (if the answer is ‘no’ then it’s a problem).
*“Friendship is a state of mutual trust and support between two people. If that’s not there, then it’s not a friendship, and if you are the one who continues to give trust and support when they don’t do the same, you will forever experience hurt and heartache by the imbalance.”
*Establishing healthy boundaries and deal breakers can be difficult for trauma survivors, and it will take a lot of time and practice, but it is essential to healing and moving forward.
*Wanting justice or wanting your abuser to suffer is normal (and so is having intense anger toward them), and you have to lean into these feelings and work through them, but you also have to accept that you may never get justice.
*“Rehashing and feeling (or being) emotionally stuck is a sign of emotional trauma that needs to be processed and healed, and is, to a degree, a very normal part of healing. Some estimates are that it takes around 18-24 months for this phase to calm down.”
*Post traumatic growth (PTG): “With great pain can come great transformation.” While you didn’t sign up for the pain, you now have the opportunity to grow and make the life you want for yourself.

[Sue Cartwright · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you ever find yourself in the situation where you have been abused, think you are being abused or know someone who might be going through this particular type of trauma, this book should be your first point of call.

To begin with, it's important to know that there are many different types of abuse, and when it comes to the less obvious ones, such as emotional or financial abuse, it can be particularly hard to pin down.

The often subtle and creeping nature of being deliberately deceived by someone else results in a vulnerable person being in a constant state of uncertainty and denial, sometimes for a long period of time. Being manipulated is confusing, difficult to recognise and hard to believe, especially if it's coming from someone close to you or a member of your family. It's hard for anyone to believe a person could be capable of doing such a thing which makes an abused person feel even more isolated, frightened and alone.

This is what many psychopaths or sociopaths delight in doing to those they think are weak or have something they want, or what many narcissists very often can't help doing to someone they see as a threat. There's a subtle difference between the two, and Dana explains this so well in her life-saving book. She explains the circumstances that lead to abuse, the different types of abusers and abuse, how easy it is to be manipulated and trapped in a vicious cycle of love, punishment and control, how to come to terms with the resulting feelings of denial, hurt and shame, and how to overcome the trauma when you believe there is no hope left.

Whatever the situation, there is always hope, and understanding the situation is the first step. From there, and with Dana's help, you can start the healing process to finally move on and live the life you truly deserve.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book doesn't quite fit into the genre of self-help, and can actually seem a bit clinical and cold if you're someone actually trying to heal from an abusive relationship of some sort. i'd most likely recommend it to people who aren't familiar with narcissistic abuse, or narcissistic personality disorder, and who want to be—particularly those trying to support a loved one who's experienced narcissistic abuse and not really having a clue where half of the coping mechanisms come from or why on earth your friend/family member/significant other has some seemingly inane triggers for conflict and miscommunication. for someone who understands narcissistic abuse and has already begun to heal from it, this is a bit more like reading a checklist of things you already know. it's worth a read through any time you're doubting your truth, though.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

A solid info dump of what you should out look for in abusive relationships and abusive people, both romantically and platonically. I like the anecdotical perspectives at the end of each topic to help bring the point home and clarify each part. I was recommending it to people before I even finished and I'll continue recommending it to people because it is such a great jump into letting people know how they're being hurt and how that's not okay.

If I could give half stars, I'd give this book a 4.5 due to the spelling errors and the lack of some sort of index to direct people to the different topics covered, but overall I'm so glad to have read this book!

[Anne Riddick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very enlightening helped me to realise some people are actors and do not care the destruction they cause to people they pretend to care about. It truly is all about them. I needed this book to help me to understand where I have been so I can be set free from all the lies and manipulation of the abuser.

I would recommend this book. It helps to explain what has happened to you so you can be better informed and empowered to have compassion for your own journey back from confusion heartache and guilt.

[Eleanor · Rating 3 out of 5]

Worth reading. But a bit repetitive

[Margot Note]

"If they have a pattern of being hurtful or harmful to you, or the dynamic is one-sided, you might as well let go of it, because there's nothing there anyhow" (110).

"If you want to change your life, the fastest way to do so is to examine the people, places, and things in your external environment, and then to examine the standards you have in those areas" (163).

"If the only way a child knows how to effectively navigate their relationships is to put up with being mistreated and to replace their anger with being more compassionate and understanding, then this thinking will (and has) set them up for poor/no boundaries, not having a clear idea of what deal breakers are (to them everything is workable), a hard time with effectively being in tune with their emotions, expressing anger or sadness, or being able to speak their mind.

As an adult they will most likely find themselves in a series of one-sided friendships and relationships where they lack healthy boundaries, have careers where they can usually put those people-pleasing skills to work (such as caregiving/nursing, social work, or being a therapist). They often don't have a clear sense of deal-breaker behavior, because they were never taught or allowed to walk away from harmful or hurtful situations; they were only taught to endure them" (276-7).

"Cutting off contact with problematic or abusive people is not being selfish; it is self-protection, which is a form of self-love" (302).

"Loving yourself means having healthy boundaries, making your self-care a priority, and treating yourself (and expecting to be treated), with dignity, respect, and value...and to be okay with walking away (or distancing yourself) from others who treat you with anything less" (315).

[Geoff · Rating 4 out of 5]

A doctor suggested I read this book to help better understand a Narcissist I am dealing with. The individual in question is affecting me through someone close to me and I will admit it has provided some trying times. Not knowing much about Narcissism, having never encountered it in this sort of situation, I felt this would be a good start to understand what I am dealing with. Unfortunately I do not have enough time to physically read this book so I purchased it as an Audible.

This book is good if you are someone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist in that it provides examples of how they work, what they can do and how they go about doing it. It also provides decent advice on how you might handle the personal trauma you might experience after having realized what it was you were with. In my case it helped a bit, much of the information I was already aware of and, by the end of the book, I was left with a feeling that there could be a little bit more in depth information provided. Overall, though I would give it a 4.25 rating.

As an Audible book, it was read by the author and she has a wonderful voice and read the content excellently and kept you engaged.

If you need a good primer in to how a Narcissist can and will impact you directly I recommend this work. If, like me, you need something more informative on how to deal with someone who is impacting you through someone else this book is still good as a base but you will need to look elsewhere.

[Christi Winkelman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book I wish someone had recommended to me. It would have helped me learn what an unhealthy or problematic relationship looks like.

If you have a healthy and beautiful relationship, fantastic! Read this if you ever wonder why people stay in bad relationships or why it’s difficult to get out of an abusive (physical/mental) relationship.

Understanding what problematic behavior in a relationship really means is something that took the better part of my life and one that I am adamant in making sure those around me understand: (1) If you are intent on loving people in hope that they would one day return love, read this so you understand why that is problematic. (2) while an intense interest is all consuming and gives you a high, love bombing or rushing into intimacy during the love is blind stage is immature and manipulative. If you question the love bomber, problematic behavior emerges which intentionally devalues you or the relationship. (3) Taking care of yourself first isn’t selfish, it’s part of setting boundaries and it’s self-love. (4) You cannot fix or help someone who does not want it, and it’s not your problem.

While I did find The Divorce Survival Guide- Kate Anthony insightful at at critical time, I think that in addition to this book I would have loved to follow this with something that spends time on breaking out of the rumination phase(during and after), healing from the ptsd aftermath, or enjoying/redefining life after divorce.

[Kunal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and abuse can be so different to the wirings of a normal brain that one can momentarily loose their very moorings. The book helps make you see the abuse patterns the way they are.

It also validates and reconfirms your virtues. For the ones undergoing the abuse, reality can become fuzzy. And that's where a lot of the abuse is sustained. Out of fear, hope and confusion. That's also where a lot of the psychology gets mixed with adage or (good sounding) advise.

I wish a kid version of this was taught in senior school. If one could get some idea on where to put the cap on patience and forgiveness amidst the narcissistic abuse that is deceptive, manipulative and (hence) socially invisible, one would do much better even if they let go of trignometry or igneous rocks or even Wordsworth.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be required reading for all. I have found that escaping from a narcissist can be an isolating experience. You feel traumatized but are largely brushed off because there is no physical evidence of the abuse. Often while working through the experience - understanding what happened and putting names to the behavior - people will make you feel like you're the one with the problem because you can't seem to let it go, when the truth is that finally being able to identify the crazy-making behavior you were subjected to can bring such relief. Being able to verbalize what was done to you and /knowing/ that you're not crazy or imagining things or exaggerating feels like being able to breathe again.

[Claudine Tocci · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great advice

I just got out of a relationship that was confusing and I felt crazy. I had seen and ignored red flags because “nobody’s perfect”. What I didn’t do is honor my needs. But when I realized I needed to get out of the relationship, I was worried because I knew my boyfriend would alternate between harassing and love bombing me. I put on my armor and did it anyway. This book helped me see that I wasn’t crazy, it helped me define my needs and my deal breakers. Read this book if you feel confused in your relationship or if you know something is wrong but can’t quite define it. I found it tremendously helpful!