Common Courtesy: In Which Miss Manners Solves the Problem That Baffled Mr. Jefferson

by Judith Martin

In this short book, adapted from her John M. Olin Distinguished Lecture at Harvard University, Miss Manners (a.k.a. Judith Martin) discusses the issue of American etiquette, using historical and contemporary examples to hone in on a solution for a code of behavior that is both democratic and functional.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Humor, Reference, How To, Cultural, Womens

70 pages, Hardcover

First published October 1, 1985

About the author

Judith Martin (née Perlman), better known by the pen name Miss Manners, is an American journalist, author, and etiquette authority.

Since 1978 she has written an advice column, which is distributed three times a week by United Features Syndicate and carried in more than 200 newspapers worldwide. In the column, she answers etiquette questions contributed by her readers and writes short essays on problems of manners, or clarifies the essential qualities of politeness.

Reviews

[booklady · Rating 4 out of 5]

In the greater scheme of things, manners don’t seem very important and yet—who cannot recall a time when someone’s failure to observe them has made all the difference in the world. There is no such thing as COMMON courtesy. Not now and perhaps not ever. This booklady was raised to believe good manners were minimum acceptable behavior, but (sadly) that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore.

Maybe that explains my enjoyment of Miss Manners. Her daily column may well be the only thing I miss about not reading the daily newspaper. On a whim I picked up this skinny tome and found myself drawn back to happy memories of those tongue-in-cheek clever answers to social bores or spineless pitiful me’s.

In Common Courtesy, Judith Martin attempts to define a courtesy for people living in a democratic society, a task begun by our nation’s 3rd president but never successfully resolved by him. Although I don’t believe my dear Miss Manners has succeeded here either, she provided me with a great deal of mirth, a number of memorable quotes, and a few insights into areas I wasn’t even expecting.

One concerns the area of insults. She observes that we live in an age when, ‘it has never been easier to insult people inadvertently. A gentleman opens a door for a lady, because his mother taught him that ladies appreciate such courtesies, but this one turns around and spits in his eye because he has insulted her womanhood. A young lady offers her seat in a crowded bus to an elderly, frail gentleman, and he gives her a filthy look because she has insulted his manhood. Mind you these are just people trying to be nice. The only problem is they are operating on different systems of etiquette. Curiously it has never been harder to insult people intentionally. If you say, “You are horrible and I hate you,” people reply, “oh, you’re feeling hostile; I’ll wait until you feel better.” Nonculpability, the idea that explaining justifies any violation, is perhaps essential in a world of flying insults, where the all-purpose psychiatric excuse, “I’m depressed,” is considered to absolve one of any obligation or responsibility.’

Another was the total blurring of social obligations to the point that no one knows what they are anymore. ‘A mockery has been made of traditional American openness, so that everyone is considered open, all the time, to all social advances. ... With telephone and beeper, people subject themselves to everyone at all times, and it is the person who refuses to be on call, rather than the importunate caller, who is considered rude.’

Common Courtesy is not the best book I’ve read all year, but I appreciated that it allowed me to laugh, and to realize I didn’t have a psychological problem after all. I had been reading a popular book in the self-help, psychology genre which I will not name, a fine book if somewhat technical and I noticed it was tending to increase my stress rather than solve my dilemma (with a woman of acquaintance). In trying to figure out which of the numerous types I was when I acted one way or another and what category I fell into if I reacted another way and how many different disorders I was suffering from, I started discovering things I hadn't thought to worry about my mental health, which is why I tend to avoid reading psychology books, but that's another story...

Thanks to picking up this volume by Miss Manners and her no nonsense approach to life, I realized I’ve been dealing with a case of a rude overbearing person. My acquaintance is the one with the problem—not me, unless I continue to allow it. I love you Miss Manners!

[Ed Erwin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Delightful! I hadn't known "Miss Manners ®" was so wise and so witty. Adapted from a speech, this reads like a cross between a TED talk and comedy routine. This short book can be read in a single sitting, but was so fun I read it thrice!

Why do we need rules of etiquette in a country where everyone is "created equal"? Thomas Jefferson, when president, adopted a policy called "Pell Mell Etiquette" which refused to recognize any differences of rank or privilege. Sure everyone was equal, but they were all offended.

While many rules from Europe were based on reinforcing class distinctions, when classes are abolished, we do still need rules to avoid disaster. "The rationale that etiquette should be eschewed because it fosters inequality does not ring true in a society that openly admits to a feverish interest in the comparative status-conveying qualities of sneakers."

While she insists that with daily practice it is possible to learn to use more than one fork, that isn't the sort of etiquette she is most concerned with. She deals more with how to adapt to changing societal norms. She emphasizes that "common sense" is not enough; otherwise norms wouldn't vary so much across countries and times. Rather it is a constant negotiation aiming towards "common courtesy". In 1985 issues included changing norms for use of "Mrs.", "Miss" and "Ms.", gradual relaxation of rules of hierarchy in the office, and business people wanting to be treated like your friend, of which she says: "Never trust your luggage to an airline that has promised to be your friend, because the other side of that means that the business will not be held accountable any more than a friend would." and "Privacy, or the ability to select one's friends on the mere grounds of personal preference, also comes to be considered rude. If everyone is a friend, one of them can't be excluded from the conversation just because he happens to be driving the taxi that the others have hired."

I'm tempted to quote almost the entire book, but will stick to 2 more.

On tipping: "One has to be an etiquette scholar indeed to remember that Americans did not accept tips until this century: We earned our wages and scorned condescending handouts. Whatever happened to that? one wonders as the dissatisfied taxi driver slams the door on one's finger?"

On "making it":

A person who can afford it has an interior decorator to arrange his house, as he has a psychoanalyst to arrange his feelings. There is a professional expert for every aspect of life. No one who has enough money needs to worry about spending it in ways of which merchants might disapprove.

So the job of judging today's placements on the social scale has been turned over to middlemen who make money from it. Whenever you see a popular article about "making it," notice that the ultimate sign of success is invariably explained as recognition and approval from headwaiters. If the owner of a restaurant interrupts your dinner to greet you, life can hold no further glory. The expensive restaurant, with its mysterious allocations of good and bad tables, whatever that may mean, is apparently the temple of judgment, along with a place on Fifth Avenue called Trumpery Tower. Or something.

[Alison · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love Judith Martin. People familiar with her etiquette books (I've read three) will recognize her argument in this pamphlet: that new forms of standardized and egalitarian manners are necessary for the realization of democracy. In particular, she contends that the 19thC separation of the domestic and business realms by gender and class, and the late 20thC confusion/conflation of those realms, produced and were produced by standards of behavior that aggravated systemic inequalities (e.g., in the 20thC, "business entertaining" in social clubs that violate equal access laws; women's having to work full-time jobs while doing the majority of the housework and childcare; preferential restaurant seating). She makes a number of proposals for how people should treat each other that, she hopes, will contribute to social equality, personal dignity, and the pursuit of happiness. And she's funny.

[Cheryl · Rating 1 out of 5]

I used to think Martin was at least a little bit witty. In this book, at least, she is just acting the twit. Moreover, she never gets around to 'solving the problem.' Instead she shares such gems as:

"Americans did not accept tips until this century: We earned our wages and scorned condescending handouts. Whatever happened to that?"

... apparently not realizing that those who earn tips are those who are not earning a living wage, and

"[Apparently today] All you need is a good heart, and the rest will take care of itself. You don't ever have to write thank you notes."

... which is nonsense, as writing thank you notes is not a manner of etiquette or of manners, but indeed of courtesy and, yes, having a good heart, showing appreciation.

The use of the word 'courtesy' in the title offends me. The inaccurate assumptions and notions of history, social science, & human nature taken to illogical sniffs & snits frustrate me.

Not recommended.

[Shannon · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting and often funny, but a lot of the content I disagreed with.

[Kelsey Dangelo-Worth · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little thesis on the definition of and necessity for etiquette and manners and what that looks like in a modern world and a democratic and liberated world. For those of us who wish that society and human relations had a guidebook and clear rules, Judith Martin (Miss Manners) has always been a godsend on how to treat people with respect and while also treating yourself with respect. This is brilliant. Grade: A

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

As this book is a series of lecturers given by the author, Judith Martin, at Harvard University, I chose to read it that way this time around. This book is small but worth reading slowly taking time to reflect between chapters/lectures.
I enjoyed how she grappled with the concept of manners, and the concept of equality.

[Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ultimately, it's essentially as if a witty socialite at a very elegant soirée began describing what is wrong with American etiquette today, and how Thomas Jefferson, despite his monumental contributions to the nation, was not at all good at implementing his ideals of egalitarian etiquette.

I found this randomly in my local university's library, and was delighted—despite it being from the 1980's—at how relevant and hilarious it was to our current day dilemma of how the personal and professional are melding into one realm (at least in America, which is the focus of Judith Martin's elegant screed), and how it is, in the view of her, to everyone's benefit to separate. By doing s0, we may formulate identities in private which allow at the very least some semblance of equality, regardless of rank or income.

[Dogsandbooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

This pamphlet has been sitting on my shelf since it was published. I have been too horrified by the fact that my mother gave it to me to read it--she always used etiquette as a weapon and I think really had no idea of Miss Manners ideas. Etiquette as a weapon is very very far from anything Miss Manners would approve of.

Anyway, finally read it. Very illuminating--and not just for being a period piece of a very different time--but for pointing out the trends that we now see writ large. Trying to bring respect and consideration to a place of universalism.

Very very interested in seeing a more contemporary take on the ills of our age.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everything that Miss Manners writes is golden, and this slim volume is no exception. Literally laugh-out-loud funny, her analysis of American etiquette within a historical and contemporary context also illuminates many social issues that are still tripping us up today. If we could all just listen to Miss M., we would be better off as a culture.

[Rico · Rating 5 out of 5]

Agree or disagree with the conclusion, the question of how to have a common set of manners in a democratic society is a profound one, and very interesting. She presents a view of manners that seems very sensible and even flexible without the need to be rule bound. Even though this was written some 35 years ago, there doesn't seem to be any loss of relevance and maybe even has gained some.

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eminently quotable; does indeed solve said problem.

[Shirley Erstad · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting. A short book, as it was a lecture given for a graduation speech, I think. A little hard to read (not sure if it was just very formal writing or what).

[Jmsinessex]

I thought this would be priggish and trivial. Instead it was thoughtful, provocative and worthy of rereading.

[Bill Lively · Rating 5 out of 5]

A delightful boon on the manners and etiquette, or lack thereof in our society.

[VA Houser · Rating 4 out of 5]

Relevant

[Sana · Rating 3 out of 5]

this woman called me a bum for 3 whole chapters

[Christian Schwoerke · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this slim volume about contemporary American manners based on a series of lectures delivered at Harvard, Judith Martin claims to “solve the problem that baffled Mr. Jefferson.” The problem Jefferson (and other founding fathers) faced was the enunciation of a set of etiquette guidelines that properly reflected a country whose people were all created equal. What Jefferson proposed and had to shortly thereafter scrap was an etiquette that ignored social rank, status, title, etc. and which placed all individuals on the same plane, which apparently gave offense to nearly everyone.

The problem in America, Martin asserts, is that there is no longer a distinction between manners (the social premises of a people) and etiquette (rules of behavior derived from those social premises). Additionally there is the problem of confusing manners with morals, that from a Rousseauian premise: that good naturally arises out of individuals whose behavior is least tainted by civilization. In consequence, since manners and etiquette are nothing if not civilized, natural behavior—ie, no etiquette and no manners—is preferable. This dovetails with pop psychological assertions about the virtues of instant intimacy, that truth should flow immediately between individuals. Martin points out that intimacy, authenticity, and naturalness are in direct conflict with the purpose of etiquette, which is to define and retain common, well-observed boundaries of privacy that can be smoothly negotiated.

A chief difficulty in defining such boundaries is that class (of the sort that formerly, rigidly defined English culture) is taboo in the United States, so Americans make of money a way to distinguish one’s worth. The withering of family and civic activities (religious, philanthropic, cultural) compounds the problem, so that everything devolves to business relations. Martin notes that as social connections whither and people become more alone, the chief source of friendly intercourse is their bank (or some other commercial enterprise), which uses the trappings of friendliness to conduct its business. A social model for business also blurs the relationship of customer and business.

The question Martin poses is this: “How can the equality of all citizens be represented symbolically in the decidedly unequal world of business, where some people are bosses and others are their employees?” Her answer: “Only in the private realm, where each citizen can exercise autonomy and choice, is full equality possible.” Because the private realm has all but been swallowed up by the commercial world, there must be an effort made to re-establish the private realm, in which absolute standards such as job titles and money would be excluded and personal qualities, instead, would make some individuals obviously superior to others. This dual system of manners would generate two separate etiquettes.

Judith Martin was writing in 1985, but the permeability of the two spheres of one’s life—business and personal—are today no less intertwined, and Miss Manners in her daily column continues to help people sort out the etiquette involved when friends or colleagues use inappropriate manners, whether demanding at work personal information, or friends asking for money as gifts for hosting a dinner. Many, many droll examples of the inappropriate application of business etiquette to the personal realm and personal etiquette to commercial realm are cited, and they are so humorously evocative they inspire reflection on matters that can easily distract from her simple thesis. Suffice it to say, Miss Manners has imposed a moral lesson in a very entertaining fashion, wryly and wittily.

[D.w. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Miss Manners may understand etiquette and the American society, but writing on a topic that strives to keep our attention alludes her. While reading others on the craft of writing including nonfiction, it is clear that Miss Martin has a great failing, for I felt the need to take three naps while reading this short 70 page work.

So full of her philosophy with a brief smattering of the history, the entirety of the work goes round about the issue without ever saying outright what is Common Courtesy.

What Miss Martin has come up with, if I can read between the lines, since she only leaves us this mechanism to understand her, is that you say Potato and I say PoTahToe.

And that is what America has evolved into and that it may not be alright, but it is. The opening of the book takes great care to say that manners evolve across the globe and that truly they know little of national boundaries, but become instinctive. I can see that thought in reality, but if one is the arbiter of manners, one should be able to define if for us all and then push us towards what that courtesy should be. This book does not. In the end it becomes a waste of my time, especially when nine out of ten words were her hyperbole of thought.

[Michael Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Why does this nation suffer from an epidemic of rudeness? How can we keep our professional lives from destroying our private lives? How can good manners be squared with the ideals of American life? The Kennedy School of Government at Harvard invited Judith Martin (i.e., Miss Manners) to come and deliver its John M. Olin Distinguished Lecture on these questions, and she responded with this marvelous little book, filled with the sort of good sense (and good humor) that always makes her work eminently readable. The only other scholar ever invited to talk at Harvard on the question of deportment, by the way, was Cotton Mather -- eminent company indeed!

If you think Miss Manners is only interested in which fork to use with the fish course, you obviously haven’t been keeping up. She’s actually a very skilled practical anthropologist and sociologist, with a lively interest in what sets our theoretically classless American culture apart from the rest of the world. And she has maintained for years that “proper” -- which is to say “common sense” -- etiquette is the very linchpin of a democratic, egalitarian society. A nicely written and very thought-provoking book.

[Leesa · Rating 4 out of 5]

the subtitle says it all: "In Which Miss Manners Solves The Problem That Baffled Mr. Jefferson"

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was interesting, but I couldn't/didn't want to get through it.

[Roger Burk · Rating 4 out of 5]

Charming, acerbic, and witty observations on the state of manners as of 30 years ago. Things haven't gotten better.