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114 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1885

After a few pages of rambling reference to real personages and events connected with the Spring-Heeled Jack phenomenon, we move on to the story proper and are introduced to our hero, the pseudonymous Jack Dacre. Following the death of five of his relatives in a mere half a page of narrative, all accidental drowning whilst at sea, he is washed up on shore as heir to his family’s ancestral estates in Sussex. His survival is down to a sailor, one Ned Chump, who has “taken very great interest in our hero on the voyage home.” and accordingly ties him to a hen coop in order to facilitate his survival during a shipwreck. Then they proceed to make their way from Kent to Dacre Hall, which they achieve without difficulty despite an almost complete lack of funds because “Shipwrecked mariners are always well treated in England,” What means they use to convince the various credulous people they meet on their journey that they are deserving of this special treatment goes unrecorded.
Having arrived at the aforementioned hall Jack naturally finds a distant cousin, one Michael Dacre, scheming to keep hold of the property. So desperate and evil is he, that by page 10 he has already contracted to have Jack killed by the local ruffian and poacher, Black Ralph. Fortunately Jack escapes from the would-be murderer by diving from a bell tower into a moat, a flight which he executes and has recovered from within half-a dozen lines. Jack shows the same frenetic speed in his recovery from is various tribulations, stating by page 13
"it was a terrible blow to me when my father and my mother went down in the Hydaspes--but Time, the great Healer, has softened that blow so that I should hardly feel it now, were it not for the doubts that my cousin here has cast upon my identity."
Left to make his own way in the world, Jack immediately demonstrates the upper class disinclination to labour of any sort, stating:
"… I do not see how I can do anything in the way of working for a living, if I am ever to hope to prove my title to the Dacre baronetcy and estates."
“To him [Jack] pillage and robbery seemed to be the right of the well-born.
He had seen so much of this sort of thing amongst his father's friends and acquaintances that his moral sense was entirely warped.”
Following this conversation between Jack and Ned, it is immediately a fortnight later and the boots are completed at Southampton, a city apparently at the forefront of magic boot production. Directly after this is mentioned the two men suddenly relocate to Dorking, where apparently the Dacre family holds lands. This enables Jack to justify his new career, since he is of course only taking what belongs to him by rights, a matter of great importance to him since “the terms robbery and thief are quite … repugnant” to him. The author continues throughout to vacillate in this manner between condemning Jack’s morals and justifying his actions, regularly to the extent of having the character himself contradict his own words of but a few paragraphs earlier. This adds little to the reader’s enjoyment of the text unless it is taken as reflecting the self-justifying psychopathy of the ruling-classes, in which case it’s the best thing about the text.
Jack’s first adventure leads to him freeing a beautiful young girl whose uncle keeps her chained in an attic and deprived of her inheritance. He achieves this by jumping at the uncle, causing the man to immediately and rather prematurely run mad. He is then able to directly make a full assessment of the legal situation of both parties, and act accordingly to resolve the situation. None of this prevents him from stealing all the money he can find on the premises, even though technically it belongs to the imprisoned girl rather than the wicked uncle. Heroism only extends so far when there are bills to pay.
There follows yet another pointless relocation, and yet more robbery, this time of the more deserving figures of Michael Dacre and Alfred Morgan. This is at least relevant if not interesting. Following this Jack accosts the two villains once again, smashing through the window of their room at an inn in order to force them to strip. Luckily for him none of the guests or staff at the inn have the wit to catch him during these proceedings, even though he remains throughout close enough to his victims to reappear after they have raised the alarm, taunting them by somersaulting about and balancing on a pump. For some reason these antics strike terror into the hearts of both witnesses.
After this there is a brief distraction, when Jack takes a detour from the plot in order to save the life of another beautiful young girl, of a better social standing than that formerly mentioned, in order that he has someone to marry at the conclusion of the tale. Her life is in danger from, in a blindingly original stroke, an evil stepmother. Luckily the plot, which has gone completely unnoticed by both the girl herself and her father Sir Charles Grahame, is instantly discovered and foiled by our plucky hero.
Having disposed of this random murder plot using the medium of tight trousers, a silly mask and some jumping, Jack proceeds rapidly toward the conclusion of the tale. After a brief detour to harass a highwayman for no particular reason, thereby coming within an inch of being shot in the brain due to the pursuit of childish high jinks, our intrepid hero pays a visit to the bed-chamber of Mr Morgan. After jumping through a diamond-paned window and head-butting the unfortunate occupant of the room to the ground through sheer clumsiness, Jack proceeds to steal some secret papers, previously unmentioned, whose existence will without doubt prove his claim to the Dacre lands. Morgan promptly hangs himself, thereby removing himself conveniently from the narrative.
In a conclusion of incredible stupidity, the papers includes a contract stating that Jack is indeed the legitimate Dacre heir, signed by Michael Dacre presumably in a moment of intense self-loathing and depression. Having completely undermined his own evil plans for no apparent reason, Michael leaves the country and the narrative with equal haste. Jack marries his one true love, and he and his trusty friend Ned settle down to a life of happiness. Meanwhile the true-love’s wicked stepmother is disposed of:
Sir Charles informed our hero that Lady Graham had consented, to avoid scandal, to become the inmate of a private lunatic asylum for not less than two years; if she behaved herself during that time Sir Charles intended to take steps for her liberation, and to provide her with an income which would enable her to live in comparative obscurity abroad.
All members of the nobility having been restored to their birthright, the story concludes. At no point in its 50 pages did it entertain, relate to any known facts of the case, or indeed make any sense. However I feel it deserves two stars in consideration of two facts: first, it is short; second, elements of the tale, whether intentionally or otherwise, function excellently as a satire of aristocratic arrogance and self-entitlement. However as a recounting of or tribute to the urban legend of Spring-Heeled Jack, this story fails on all counts.