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Getting to Yes with Yourself: And Other Worthy Opponents
William Ury, coauthor of the international bestseller Getting to Yes, returns with another groundbreaking book, this time asking: how can we expect to get to yes with others if we haven't first gotten to yes with ourselves?
Renowned negotiation expert William Ury has taught tens of thousands of people from all walks of life--managers, lawyers, factory workers, coal miners, schoolteachers, diplomats, and government officials--how to become better negotiators. Over the years, Ury has discovered that the greatest obstacle to successful agreements and satisfying relationships is not the other side, as difficult as they can be. The biggest obstacle is actually our own selves--our natural tendency to react in ways that do not serve our true interests.
But this obstacle can also become our biggest opportunity, Ury argues. If we learn to understand and influence ourselves first, we lay the groundwork for understanding and influencing others. In this prequel to Getting to Yes, Ury offers a seven-step method to help you reach agreement with yourself first, dramatically improving your ability to negotiate with others.
Practical and effective, Getting to Yes with Yourself helps readers reach good agreements with others, develop healthy relationships, make their businesses more productive, and live far more satisfying lives.
Renowned negotiation expert William Ury has taught tens of thousands of people from all walks of life--managers, lawyers, factory workers, coal miners, schoolteachers, diplomats, and government officials--how to become better negotiators. Over the years, Ury has discovered that the greatest obstacle to successful agreements and satisfying relationships is not the other side, as difficult as they can be. The biggest obstacle is actually our own selves--our natural tendency to react in ways that do not serve our true interests.
But this obstacle can also become our biggest opportunity, Ury argues. If we learn to understand and influence ourselves first, we lay the groundwork for understanding and influencing others. In this prequel to Getting to Yes, Ury offers a seven-step method to help you reach agreement with yourself first, dramatically improving your ability to negotiate with others.
Practical and effective, Getting to Yes with Yourself helps readers reach good agreements with others, develop healthy relationships, make their businesses more productive, and live far more satisfying lives.
208 pages, Hardcover
First published January 13, 2015
About the author
William Ury
35 books229 followersWilliam L. Ury co-founded Harvard's Program on Negotiation where he currently directs the Global Negotiation Initiative. He is the author of
The Power of a Positive No How to Say No Still Get to Yes
(2007) and co-author (with Roger Fisher) of
Getting to Yes Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In
, a five-million-copy bestseller translated into over twenty languages. "No other book in the field comes close to its impact on the way practitioners, teachers, researchers, and the public approach negotiation," comments the National Institute on Dispute Resolution. Ury is also author of the award-winning
Getting Past No Negotiating with Difficult People and Getting To Peace
(released in paperback under the title The Third Side).
Over the last 30 years, Ury has served as a negotiation adviser and mediator in conflicts ranging from corporate mergers to wildcat strikes in a Kentucky coal mine to ethnic wars in the Middle East, the Balkans, and the former Soviet Union. With former president Jimmy Carter, he co-founded the International Negotiation Network, a non-governmental body seeking to end civil wars around the world. During the 1980s, he helped the US and Soviet governments create nuclear crisis centers designed to avert an accidental nuclear war. In that capacity, he served as a consultant to the Crisis Management Center at the White House. Most recently, Ury has served as a third party in helping to end a civil war in Aceh, Indonesia, and helping to prevent one in Venezuela.
Ury has taught negotiation to tens of thousands of corporate executives, labor leaders, diplomats and military officers around the world. He helps organizations try to reach mutually profitable agreements with customers, suppliers, unions, and joint-venture partners.
Ury is also co-founder of the e-Parliament, which offers the 25,000 members of congress and parliament around the world an Internet-based forum in which they can learn from one another other about legislative solutions that work and together tackle global problems such as climate change, energy efficiency, and terrorism. His most recent project is the Abraham Path Initiative, which seeks to address the growing chasm between the world of Islam and the West by creating a permanent path of tourism and pilgrimage in the Middle East that retraces the footsteps of Abraham, the unifying figure of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam.
Ury is the recipient of the Whitney North Seymour Award from the American Arbitration Association and the Distinguished Service Medal from the Russian Parliament. His work has been widely featured in the media from The New York Times to the Financial Times and from ABC to the BBC.
Trained as a social anthropologist, with a B.A. from Yale and a Ph.D. from Harvard, Ury has carried out his research on negotiation not only in the boardroom and at the bargaining table but also among the Bushmen of the Kalahari and the clan warriors of New Guinea.
Over the last 30 years, Ury has served as a negotiation adviser and mediator in conflicts ranging from corporate mergers to wildcat strikes in a Kentucky coal mine to ethnic wars in the Middle East, the Balkans, and the former Soviet Union. With former president Jimmy Carter, he co-founded the International Negotiation Network, a non-governmental body seeking to end civil wars around the world. During the 1980s, he helped the US and Soviet governments create nuclear crisis centers designed to avert an accidental nuclear war. In that capacity, he served as a consultant to the Crisis Management Center at the White House. Most recently, Ury has served as a third party in helping to end a civil war in Aceh, Indonesia, and helping to prevent one in Venezuela.
Ury has taught negotiation to tens of thousands of corporate executives, labor leaders, diplomats and military officers around the world. He helps organizations try to reach mutually profitable agreements with customers, suppliers, unions, and joint-venture partners.
Ury is also co-founder of the e-Parliament, which offers the 25,000 members of congress and parliament around the world an Internet-based forum in which they can learn from one another other about legislative solutions that work and together tackle global problems such as climate change, energy efficiency, and terrorism. His most recent project is the Abraham Path Initiative, which seeks to address the growing chasm between the world of Islam and the West by creating a permanent path of tourism and pilgrimage in the Middle East that retraces the footsteps of Abraham, the unifying figure of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam.
Ury is the recipient of the Whitney North Seymour Award from the American Arbitration Association and the Distinguished Service Medal from the Russian Parliament. His work has been widely featured in the media from The New York Times to the Financial Times and from ABC to the BBC.
Trained as a social anthropologist, with a B.A. from Yale and a Ph.D. from Harvard, Ury has carried out his research on negotiation not only in the boardroom and at the bargaining table but also among the Bushmen of the Kalahari and the clan warriors of New Guinea.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 173 reviews
January 7, 2016
Well written book by Dr. Ury for understanding how to better negotiate with others by getting yourself on your own team. After reading "Getting To Yes" I felt this book added more anecdotal evidence on how to better employ those methods (on a supplementary basis). In a nutshell, I felt this was a quick and engaging read.
NOTES:
- Be present
- Put yourself in their shoes
- Develop your inner BATNA
- Role-play and understand how things are going from the other person's perspective
- What is your deepest need? What are you really fighting for?
- Learn to spend more time on the balcony, learn to distance yourself from the emotional reactions. You are not your emotions
- Say Yes to your needs
- Think about the other persons needs
- The best way to listen to others is to genuinely respect them and understand their frame of reference/content behind the message
- Respond to the other party (when fired up) by including them versus excluding them from a conversation
NOTES:
- Be present
- Put yourself in their shoes
- Develop your inner BATNA
- Role-play and understand how things are going from the other person's perspective
- What is your deepest need? What are you really fighting for?
- Learn to spend more time on the balcony, learn to distance yourself from the emotional reactions. You are not your emotions
- Say Yes to your needs
- Think about the other persons needs
- The best way to listen to others is to genuinely respect them and understand their frame of reference/content behind the message
- Respond to the other party (when fired up) by including them versus excluding them from a conversation
November 10, 2018
If you want to know what this book is about, go to the last chapter. It provides all you need to know.
While the book is about getting to yes with oneself before one can get yes to others, the book feels less of a 'negotiation' and more of a 'self-help' book. The book would have been more helpful if it provided concrete examples on how we can change from a no-deal to a deal with oneself.
While the book is about getting to yes with oneself before one can get yes to others, the book feels less of a 'negotiation' and more of a 'self-help' book. The book would have been more helpful if it provided concrete examples on how we can change from a no-deal to a deal with oneself.
January 27, 2023
mocno meh if im being honest:/
August 14, 2017
Similar to other self-help books, this book takes the first-person approach to show that the author, even though he is a master at negotiating in times of war and hostage, is just a "regular guy"--and like a regular guy and the regular guys he gives as examples, uses the techniques he suggests on a daily basis for overcoming self-defeating behaviors. Except he's not a regular guy and, like the quotes that pepper the book, the techniques are reductionist and verge on dangerous myth (happiness is a choice no matter what your life situation!). Another problem is, for example, the study cited, which is a perfect example of correlation not equaling causation:
First of all, maybe the people who give away more to charity can do so because they make more money, which allows them to live a certain lifestyle and make certain choices, which makes them happier. Secondly, the myth that if you do something good someone will do something good for you is as unfounded as the myth that hard work is guaranteed to get you somewhere in life.
While some of the techniques can be used as guides and a supplement to other techniques for self-development, the ideas in this book are oversimplified.
Another study showed that people who give away more money to charity tend to be happier and end up, on average, earning more. The research suggests that giving works in part because it increases the probability that someone else will do something good for you.
First of all, maybe the people who give away more to charity can do so because they make more money, which allows them to live a certain lifestyle and make certain choices, which makes them happier. Secondly, the myth that if you do something good someone will do something good for you is as unfounded as the myth that hard work is guaranteed to get you somewhere in life.
While some of the techniques can be used as guides and a supplement to other techniques for self-development, the ideas in this book are oversimplified.
December 6, 2015
Great book that keeps people owning their own issues while finding overlapping wins in their agreements with others.
December 7, 2022
Nice, palatable self-help. Ury carries professional experiences that are noteworthy, and there are many examples of inspiring resolutions. Some of it can feel cheesy or stereotypical. The framework is pretty cool. This is best read at a slow pace, maybe a chapter a week. It deserves some digesting, some putting-into-practice. For it all kinda sounds like common sense. But Ury’s background speaks a great deal and it’s clear that some tender living care went into composing this book on compromise and contentment. I’d recommend it—
April 2, 2019
Such an awesome book! It took me a while to finish this book because of how busy I was, but I am so glad that I was able to finish it!
It is way more important to get to yes with yourself than with others, I think. I highlighted so many paragraphs, it is ridiculous! 🤣🤣🤣
Definitely recommending!
It is way more important to get to yes with yourself than with others, I think. I highlighted so many paragraphs, it is ridiculous! 🤣🤣🤣
Definitely recommending!
Read
April 3, 2019I bought this book because of a negotiations class I was taking. I found it simple but informative. I remembered and was actually able to apply the lessons in real life to negotiate a better outcome.
May 23, 2020
Must read for anyone and everyone looking to uncover and understand the six simple yet very effective steps to negotiating yourself and others to a pleasant Yes. Start by resisting the tendency to being impulsive and seeing things differently.
February 22, 2019
Love this book!
January 16, 2022
Look in the mirror every day and see the person who most stands in your way.
December 21, 2017
I don't know if I can rave enough about this book. It is clear-headed, insightful, wise and practical. It is life advice of the highest order.
A long time ago I'd read the book's precursor, Getting to Yes, and was so impressed. I still often think of the acronym, BATNA, (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) it gave and use it in many life situations I encounter. Getting to Yes with Yourself and Other Worthy Opponents builds on this and brings in priceless more practical wisdom.
For starters, the author, William Ury, is a very bright guy. He is not playing around like so many popularizers of the self-help movement, slapping their own title on somebody else's hard-won insights. Ury has his own insights, and they've come from long years of experience. He knows what works. (And don't we all know how vast the distance is between somebody who kind of knows their stuff and somebody who knows their stuff? Imagine a doctor who says, "I think that mole will be all right.")
The book is not a collection of quotations by any means, but the quotations Ury cites are brilliant in reinforcing his points.
There is so much wisdom in this book I felt my resentments and fears just falling off of me as I read. I'm going to buy it for friends and family and I'll be re-reading it time and time again.
I can certainly relate to this:
True enough, right? But this book is about much more than just getting what you want for yourself. It's like Ury says, a way to go beyond "win-win" to "win-win-win." Winning for yourself, winning for the guy on the other side and winning for the world.
A long time ago I'd read the book's precursor, Getting to Yes, and was so impressed. I still often think of the acronym, BATNA, (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) it gave and use it in many life situations I encounter. Getting to Yes with Yourself and Other Worthy Opponents builds on this and brings in priceless more practical wisdom.
For starters, the author, William Ury, is a very bright guy. He is not playing around like so many popularizers of the self-help movement, slapping their own title on somebody else's hard-won insights. Ury has his own insights, and they've come from long years of experience. He knows what works. (And don't we all know how vast the distance is between somebody who kind of knows their stuff and somebody who knows their stuff? Imagine a doctor who says, "I think that mole will be all right.")
The book is not a collection of quotations by any means, but the quotations Ury cites are brilliant in reinforcing his points.
Einstein: "Is the universe a friendly place?"
Ury: "Einstein reasoned that, if we see the universe as basically hostile, we will naturally treat others as enemies."
Longfellow: "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."
Ury: "It was yet another confirmation for me of the wisdom of setting prejudgment aside and, instead, putting myself in the place of another person with dreams, loves, and grief."
Edwin Markham: "He drew a circle that shut me out/ Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout/But love and I had the wit to win/We drew a circle that took him in!"
Ury: That from the chapter titled Respect Them Even If
There is so much wisdom in this book I felt my resentments and fears just falling off of me as I read. I'm going to buy it for friends and family and I'll be re-reading it time and time again.
I can certainly relate to this:
In the morning when I look at myself in the mirror, I like to remind myself that I am seeing the person who is probably going to give me the most trouble that day, the opponent who will be the biggest obstacle to me getting what I truly want.
True enough, right? But this book is about much more than just getting what you want for yourself. It's like Ury says, a way to go beyond "win-win" to "win-win-win." Winning for yourself, winning for the guy on the other side and winning for the world.
October 11, 2015
Simple to read and understand for those who wish to develop personal self-awareness and growth. The 6 steps are easy to follow and apply. However, most of such books focus on giving and by giving more, you will receive more. Summarizing the 6 steps: 1) Put yourself in your shoes, from self-judgment to self-understanding; 2) Develop your inner Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement, from blame to self-responsibility; 3) Re-frame your picture, from unfriendly to friendly; 4) Stay in the zone, from resistance to acceptance; 5) Respect them even if, from exclusion to inclusion; 6) Give and receive, from win-lose to win-win-win. The main message after reading the book is to create an inner satisfaction, thus improving our well-being and having peace of mind and heart. Negotiating with self is not easy but if we can negotiate effectively, our life will definitely be much better and healthier. This book is recommended for those who wish to understand more about self and to embrace the 3 wins: win-win-win - a win within, a win with others, and a win for the whole that will lead to winning the game of life.
October 24, 2019
(The English review is placed beneath Russian one)
Мне кажется, это попытка написать свою собственную книгу по философии. Так как автор известен больше всего книгами по переговорам, то тут возможно ещё и попытка предложить некий философский фундамент под свою основную теорию связную с ведением переговоров. В любом случаи, эта книга отдалённо напоминает Карнеги, а также те многочисленные книги по популярной психологии в который море воды, очевидных вещей и здравого смысла.
Автор взял проверенную тему, о которой можно исписать сотни листов, но так ничего существенного не написав. Вот то же самое и тут. Более того, в самом начале автор вообще меня несказанно удивил, когда описывая ��ервую тему – что на самом деле тебе нужно – автор приводит историю, в которой он беседует с человеком, который борется за освобождение своей страны. И вот в этой истории автор как бы хочет показать, как прекрасно действует его метод, суть которого заключается в том, что люди часто на самом деле и не знаю, что они на самом деле хотят. Автор пишет, что на самом деле цель этого человека не вооружённая борьба за освобождение, а принятие участия в судьбе страны, в управлении государством, а для этого на самом деле намного эффективней не продолжать военные действия, а войти в правовое русло, создав партию, которая как раз сможет принимать участие в управлении государством, влиять на направление движения. В общем, что-то типа этого. Мысль, конечно, верная. Одна��о автор почему-то забывает, что главная проблема всех бунтовщиков и революционеров в том, что их как раз никто и не хочет слушать и тем более делиться с ними властью. Никто не собирался в Англии, на пороге войны за независимость, давать американским колониям право голоса. Как говорится, за них уже всё решили. Странно, что автор (который родом из этих мятежных колоний, что избрали совсем иной путь, нежели тот, что предлагает автор) в свою очередь предлагает читателю именно такие советы, а не те, что применили США в 1763-1789.
Вообще, книга переполнена разными драматическими историями, которые часто можно встретить в определённой литературе. Не знаю почему, но американцы любят всовывать различные трагические истории из собственной жизни. Возможно, это как-то должно повлиять на читателя в сторону большего принятия книги, что ли, такая попытка «поговорить по душам». Если честно, все эти сердечные истории мне всегда и везде казались лишними. А тут автор их использует явно в качестве составной части книги. Поэтому в целом, книга не о переговорах. Это скорее спиритическая, духовная литература о самосовершенствовании (духовном), осознанности и медитации (не знаю, пишет ли автор что-то про медитацию, но в первой половине книги, на которую меня только и хватило - её нет, но определённо она вошла идеально бы). А это в свою очередь, определённо не моя категория.
I think it's an attempt to write your own philosophy book. Since the author is best known for his books on negotiation, there may also be an attempt to offer some philosophical basis for his main theory related to negotiation. In any case, this book is remotely reminiscent of Carnegie, as well as those numerous books on popular psychology in which there are many empty words, obvious things and common sense.
The author has taken a well-established theme about which hundreds of pages can be written, but without writing anything significant. Moreover, in the beginning the author surprised me completely when describing the first topic - what you really need. The author gives a story in which he talks to a man who is fighting for the freedom of his country. And in this story, the author seems to want to show how well his method works, the essence of which is that people often actually do not know what they really want. The author writes that the real purpose of this man is not an armed struggle for freedom, but to take part in the destiny of the country, in the governing of the state, and for this purpose it is much more effective not to continue the warfare, but to enter into the legal track, creating a party that will be able to take part in the governing of the state, to influence the direction of movement. In general, something like that. Of course, the idea is correct. However, the author for some reason forgets that the main problem of all rebels and revolutionaries is that nobody wants to listen to them and even more so share power with them. For example, no one in England was going to give American colonies the right to vote in the English parliament. As they say, others decided for them. It is strange that the author (who was born in these rebellious colonies, which chose a completely different way than the one offered by the author), in turn, offers the reader such advice, and not those used by the U.S. in 1763-1789.
In general, the book is full of tragic stories, which can often be found in certain literature. I don't know why, but Americans like to add various tragic stories from their own lives. Perhaps this should somehow affect the reader towards a greater acceptance of the book, or something like that, an attempt "to have a heart-to-heart". To be honest, all these heartfelt stories have always seemed superfluous to me, everywhere. And here the author uses them as a vital part of the book. Therefore, in general, the book is not about negotiations. It's more like a spiritual literature about self-improvement (spiritual), awareness, and meditation (I don't know if the author writes something about meditation in the second half of the book, but in the first half of the book it's not there). And this, in turn, is definitely not my category.
Мне кажется, это попытка написать свою собственную книгу по философии. Так как автор известен больше всего книгами по переговорам, то тут возможно ещё и попытка предложить некий философский фундамент под свою основную теорию связную с ведением переговоров. В любом случаи, эта книга отдалённо напоминает Карнеги, а также те многочисленные книги по популярной психологии в который море воды, очевидных вещей и здравого смысла.
Автор взял проверенную тему, о которой можно исписать сотни листов, но так ничего существенного не написав. Вот то же самое и тут. Более того, в самом начале автор вообще меня несказанно удивил, когда описывая ��ервую тему – что на самом деле тебе нужно – автор приводит историю, в которой он беседует с человеком, который борется за освобождение своей страны. И вот в этой истории автор как бы хочет показать, как прекрасно действует его метод, суть которого заключается в том, что люди часто на самом деле и не знаю, что они на самом деле хотят. Автор пишет, что на самом деле цель этого человека не вооружённая борьба за освобождение, а принятие участия в судьбе страны, в управлении государством, а для этого на самом деле намного эффективней не продолжать военные действия, а войти в правовое русло, создав партию, которая как раз сможет принимать участие в управлении государством, влиять на направление движения. В общем, что-то типа этого. Мысль, конечно, верная. Одна��о автор почему-то забывает, что главная проблема всех бунтовщиков и революционеров в том, что их как раз никто и не хочет слушать и тем более делиться с ними властью. Никто не собирался в Англии, на пороге войны за независимость, давать американским колониям право голоса. Как говорится, за них уже всё решили. Странно, что автор (который родом из этих мятежных колоний, что избрали совсем иной путь, нежели тот, что предлагает автор) в свою очередь предлагает читателю именно такие советы, а не те, что применили США в 1763-1789.
Вообще, книга переполнена разными драматическими историями, которые часто можно встретить в определённой литературе. Не знаю почему, но американцы любят всовывать различные трагические истории из собственной жизни. Возможно, это как-то должно повлиять на читателя в сторону большего принятия книги, что ли, такая попытка «поговорить по душам». Если честно, все эти сердечные истории мне всегда и везде казались лишними. А тут автор их использует явно в качестве составной части книги. Поэтому в целом, книга не о переговорах. Это скорее спиритическая, духовная литература о самосовершенствовании (духовном), осознанности и медитации (не знаю, пишет ли автор что-то про медитацию, но в первой половине книги, на которую меня только и хватило - её нет, но определённо она вошла идеально бы). А это в свою очередь, определённо не моя категория.
I think it's an attempt to write your own philosophy book. Since the author is best known for his books on negotiation, there may also be an attempt to offer some philosophical basis for his main theory related to negotiation. In any case, this book is remotely reminiscent of Carnegie, as well as those numerous books on popular psychology in which there are many empty words, obvious things and common sense.
The author has taken a well-established theme about which hundreds of pages can be written, but without writing anything significant. Moreover, in the beginning the author surprised me completely when describing the first topic - what you really need. The author gives a story in which he talks to a man who is fighting for the freedom of his country. And in this story, the author seems to want to show how well his method works, the essence of which is that people often actually do not know what they really want. The author writes that the real purpose of this man is not an armed struggle for freedom, but to take part in the destiny of the country, in the governing of the state, and for this purpose it is much more effective not to continue the warfare, but to enter into the legal track, creating a party that will be able to take part in the governing of the state, to influence the direction of movement. In general, something like that. Of course, the idea is correct. However, the author for some reason forgets that the main problem of all rebels and revolutionaries is that nobody wants to listen to them and even more so share power with them. For example, no one in England was going to give American colonies the right to vote in the English parliament. As they say, others decided for them. It is strange that the author (who was born in these rebellious colonies, which chose a completely different way than the one offered by the author), in turn, offers the reader such advice, and not those used by the U.S. in 1763-1789.
In general, the book is full of tragic stories, which can often be found in certain literature. I don't know why, but Americans like to add various tragic stories from their own lives. Perhaps this should somehow affect the reader towards a greater acceptance of the book, or something like that, an attempt "to have a heart-to-heart". To be honest, all these heartfelt stories have always seemed superfluous to me, everywhere. And here the author uses them as a vital part of the book. Therefore, in general, the book is not about negotiations. It's more like a spiritual literature about self-improvement (spiritual), awareness, and meditation (I don't know if the author writes something about meditation in the second half of the book, but in the first half of the book it's not there). And this, in turn, is definitely not my category.
October 3, 2015
As a great fan of the Harvard Negotiation Project, this book by one of it's founders is not to be missed. As Ury states it is in fact the prequel to 'Getting to Yes' (one of the best books on negotiation). Before you enter a negotiation, you have to negotiate with yourself; you have to make up your mind on what's really important to yourself. The book contains a lot of examples of real life situations and difficult negotiations and therefore gives great insight in the process behind it. Very well recommended.
May 19, 2021
A primeira grande vitória na negociação é obter o sim com você mesmo.
Não é mera retórica, é a realidade, pois muitas vezes nós lutamos arduamente contra nossos próprios interesses. O livro exemplifica vários casos e entre eles o conflito entre Abílio Diniz e os sócios francesas que felizmente foi resolvido ao melhor estilo ganha-ganha-ganha, mas existem infinitos exemplos da vida real como, por exemplo, a incapacidade de perdoar ante o sentimento de injustiça ou pelo medo de julgamento social, mesmo que essa seja a melhor saída para o sucesso dos nossos projetos de futuro.
O autor cita o "Complexo de Jonas" para definir a relutância contra a mentalidade ganha-ganha, pois na cultura de escassez que vivemos somos levados a crer que para ganhar alguém tem que perder, somos dominados por mesquinhez e uma noção de injustiça descontextualizada. A realidade é que nem sempre é preciso alguém perder para o outro ganhar e um exemplo é o de Jonas que cumpriria o seu propósito como profeta atendendo ao seu chamado de pregar na capital do império Assírio e os ninivitas também ganhariam a salvação e misericórdia de Deus após a pregação de Jonas.
A lógica litigiosa está arraigada, mas nem sempre é verdadeira e o autor discorre detalhadamente sobre seis passos para obter o sim consigo mesmo, para que não sejamos nós mesmos obstáculos para a obtenção da vida que desejamos. Veja a seguir a transcrição que consta da página 96 do livro:
1. Coloque-se no seu lugar. Você consegue perceber a intromissão do censor interior no
seu trabalho – e apenas observar os próprios pensamentos e sentimentos, sem julgálos? Para que necessidades básicas apontam os seus sentimentos? Do que você
realmente precisa?
2. Desenvolva sua Batna interior. Você está culpando alguém ou algo por não satisfazer
os seus interesses? Que benefícios isso lhe oferece – e quais são os custos? É capaz de se
comprometer a cuidar de suas necessidades mais profundas, não importa o que
aconteça?
3. Reenquadre seu panorama. Você acha que a vida, de alguma maneira, é sua inimiga?
Como construiria sua felicidade hoje? Se a vida é difícil, você poderia, ainda assim,
dizer sim a ela, da maneira como é?
4. Mantenha-se no presente. Você cultiva ressentimentos do passado ou tem ansiedade
quanto ao futuro? O que seria necessário para você relaxar e aceitar a vida como ela é?
O que poderia fazer para se manter no presente, ou em estado de fluxo, uma condição
psicológica de alta performance e de grande satisfação?
5. Respeite os outros. Você está sentindo algum antagonismo em relação a alguém?
Qual é a sensação de estar no lugar dessas pessoas? Mesmo que não lhe demonstrem
respeito, você poderia ainda assim respeitá-las?
6. Saiba dar e receber. Você sente medo da escassez em qualquer situação que esteja
enfrentando hoje? De que precisará para mudar o jogo de tomar para doar, de ganha-perde para ganha-ganha-ganha?
Leiam! Eu super recomendo e vou ler os outros livros desse autor porque ele é simplesmente maravilhoso.
Não é mera retórica, é a realidade, pois muitas vezes nós lutamos arduamente contra nossos próprios interesses. O livro exemplifica vários casos e entre eles o conflito entre Abílio Diniz e os sócios francesas que felizmente foi resolvido ao melhor estilo ganha-ganha-ganha, mas existem infinitos exemplos da vida real como, por exemplo, a incapacidade de perdoar ante o sentimento de injustiça ou pelo medo de julgamento social, mesmo que essa seja a melhor saída para o sucesso dos nossos projetos de futuro.
O autor cita o "Complexo de Jonas" para definir a relutância contra a mentalidade ganha-ganha, pois na cultura de escassez que vivemos somos levados a crer que para ganhar alguém tem que perder, somos dominados por mesquinhez e uma noção de injustiça descontextualizada. A realidade é que nem sempre é preciso alguém perder para o outro ganhar e um exemplo é o de Jonas que cumpriria o seu propósito como profeta atendendo ao seu chamado de pregar na capital do império Assírio e os ninivitas também ganhariam a salvação e misericórdia de Deus após a pregação de Jonas.
A lógica litigiosa está arraigada, mas nem sempre é verdadeira e o autor discorre detalhadamente sobre seis passos para obter o sim consigo mesmo, para que não sejamos nós mesmos obstáculos para a obtenção da vida que desejamos. Veja a seguir a transcrição que consta da página 96 do livro:
1. Coloque-se no seu lugar. Você consegue perceber a intromissão do censor interior no
seu trabalho – e apenas observar os próprios pensamentos e sentimentos, sem julgálos? Para que necessidades básicas apontam os seus sentimentos? Do que você
realmente precisa?
2. Desenvolva sua Batna interior. Você está culpando alguém ou algo por não satisfazer
os seus interesses? Que benefícios isso lhe oferece – e quais são os custos? É capaz de se
comprometer a cuidar de suas necessidades mais profundas, não importa o que
aconteça?
3. Reenquadre seu panorama. Você acha que a vida, de alguma maneira, é sua inimiga?
Como construiria sua felicidade hoje? Se a vida é difícil, você poderia, ainda assim,
dizer sim a ela, da maneira como é?
4. Mantenha-se no presente. Você cultiva ressentimentos do passado ou tem ansiedade
quanto ao futuro? O que seria necessário para você relaxar e aceitar a vida como ela é?
O que poderia fazer para se manter no presente, ou em estado de fluxo, uma condição
psicológica de alta performance e de grande satisfação?
5. Respeite os outros. Você está sentindo algum antagonismo em relação a alguém?
Qual é a sensação de estar no lugar dessas pessoas? Mesmo que não lhe demonstrem
respeito, você poderia ainda assim respeitá-las?
6. Saiba dar e receber. Você sente medo da escassez em qualquer situação que esteja
enfrentando hoje? De que precisará para mudar o jogo de tomar para doar, de ganha-perde para ganha-ganha-ganha?
Leiam! Eu super recomendo e vou ler os outros livros desse autor porque ele é simplesmente maravilhoso.
September 21, 2020
People will find the self help book that helps them the way they need to be helped. I picked up this book hoping to find a way to strengthen my preternaturally weak self-discipline. I didn't find any such help but found reasons that possibly prevent me from building self discipline.
Chapters 1 & 2 have insights as to how to become more self aware such as finding out one's needs versus detailing one's wants. For example, I want a raise is massively different from I need to be recognized for my work in my industry. This was very helpful.
Chapter 3 talks about building gratitude and acceptance of life. Chapters 4 talks about building trust. Chapters 5&6 discuss how to apply the stuff learned in earlier chapters to our interactions with others. I was already familiar with the stuff discussed in these chapters but they were a good refresher.
I liked the examples and quotes the author uses to prove his points but he does seem to dwell on successes of each point. A few examples on how to deal with a setback while using one of the principles would have been better at showing how all the principles are interconnected.
As for self discipline, learning how to find out my true needs gave me guidance as to how to develop routines. Otherwise, the book was a refresher on stuff I already knew
Chapters 1 & 2 have insights as to how to become more self aware such as finding out one's needs versus detailing one's wants. For example, I want a raise is massively different from I need to be recognized for my work in my industry. This was very helpful.
Chapter 3 talks about building gratitude and acceptance of life. Chapters 4 talks about building trust. Chapters 5&6 discuss how to apply the stuff learned in earlier chapters to our interactions with others. I was already familiar with the stuff discussed in these chapters but they were a good refresher.
I liked the examples and quotes the author uses to prove his points but he does seem to dwell on successes of each point. A few examples on how to deal with a setback while using one of the principles would have been better at showing how all the principles are interconnected.
As for self discipline, learning how to find out my true needs gave me guidance as to how to develop routines. Otherwise, the book was a refresher on stuff I already knew
October 13, 2021
We are the greatest obstacle to get what we really want in life.
Make a commitment to yourself to take care of your needs. Keep asking yourself WHY as many times as necessary to identify your deepest needs.
Self-judgement is saying NO to yourself. Self-acceptance is the greatest gift you can give yourself.
The less dependent we feel on others to satisfy our needs for happiness, the more mature and truly satisfying our relationship with others are likely to be.
Respect people even if they personally attack you. Give and receive.
Accept yourself just as you are. Observing without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence. Develop empathy, not just sympathy. Gratitude is key.
Stay truly present in conversations. Wait for openings before giving advice to people.
Accept the experiences life is giving you. Let go of resentment and regret. Reframe your stories and give a positive meaning even to the most difficult life events.
We cannot truly respect others without truly respecting ourselves.
Make a commitment to yourself to take care of your needs. Keep asking yourself WHY as many times as necessary to identify your deepest needs.
Self-judgement is saying NO to yourself. Self-acceptance is the greatest gift you can give yourself.
The less dependent we feel on others to satisfy our needs for happiness, the more mature and truly satisfying our relationship with others are likely to be.
Respect people even if they personally attack you. Give and receive.
Accept yourself just as you are. Observing without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence. Develop empathy, not just sympathy. Gratitude is key.
Stay truly present in conversations. Wait for openings before giving advice to people.
Accept the experiences life is giving you. Let go of resentment and regret. Reframe your stories and give a positive meaning even to the most difficult life events.
We cannot truly respect others without truly respecting ourselves.
June 17, 2019
This author I was exposed to while doing grad school level work, it was required reading to read his bestseller, "Getting to Yes" but this book the author states [and I agree] should have been written and read first. This book will help you get to the bottom of what you really want, by aligning within yourself the Yes to Yourself, toward Life, and toward Your Neighbor. The author as always posited a more optimistic tone, backed up by the circumstantial evidence of his own experiences and peppered with results in experimentation from the social science. Overall, it is a good book and gives clear instructions to help you get to the bottom of things in your life toward any problem you maybe having.
May 2, 2020
Uma virada de chave importante pra mim na hora que precisava dela. Muito transformador relembrar que a saúde das nossas relações, inicia com a saúde com nós mesmos. O quanto operar em um modelo de negação e resistência com o que acontece na vida, fortalece uma mentalidade de desconfiança, consequentemente escassez e defensiva projetando no exterior a responsabilidade e culpa pelas nossas necessidades não atendidas. Esse livro, me fez relembrar e revisitar a forma como me responsabilizo pelas minhas necessidades e me sensibilizar da importância de lembrar sempre que no fim dá tudo certo e a vida está ao meu lado. O caminho para que a vida, eu e os outros deixem de serem inimigos para aliados mesmo nas situações mais difíceis. Que presente esse livro.
May 22, 2020
Amazing book!
I’ve attempted to read “self-help” books in the past, many of them very informative, yet not having completed one of them in its entirety. This is my official FIRST one that I’ve read completely. It was that good. I’m going to now revisit the others because I see how they can assist what I’ve learned from this book. The material is simple, yet new and fresh, and immediately accessible for everyday application. The examples used range from extreme to common, but all of them visually drive the points home with great practicality. I loved it and have already recommended it to people who I know will benefit from it as much as I have. Read it! You will not be disappointed.
I’ve attempted to read “self-help” books in the past, many of them very informative, yet not having completed one of them in its entirety. This is my official FIRST one that I’ve read completely. It was that good. I’m going to now revisit the others because I see how they can assist what I’ve learned from this book. The material is simple, yet new and fresh, and immediately accessible for everyday application. The examples used range from extreme to common, but all of them visually drive the points home with great practicality. I loved it and have already recommended it to people who I know will benefit from it as much as I have. Read it! You will not be disappointed.
June 24, 2021
"When we react, we give away our power to influence the other person constructively and to change the situation for the better."
By William Ury (Getting to Yes with Yourself)
This book falls under the genre of mindfulness and compassion. The one thing which distinguishes it from other books in the same genre is it's practically. Techniques such as Respect even if you rejected and many more , forms the base for all high stakes negotiations.
The one thing that could be improved is to avoid saying same thing multiple times.
I won't say it is next best book after "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnigie. But it is a gem in it's own rights.
Read it! And most importantly use the principles in your daily life!
By William Ury (Getting to Yes with Yourself)
This book falls under the genre of mindfulness and compassion. The one thing which distinguishes it from other books in the same genre is it's practically. Techniques such as Respect even if you rejected and many more , forms the base for all high stakes negotiations.
The one thing that could be improved is to avoid saying same thing multiple times.
I won't say it is next best book after "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnigie. But it is a gem in it's own rights.
Read it! And most importantly use the principles in your daily life!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 5, 2018
Another piece to the puzzle
Just as “Getting to Yes” is a thorough, well written book on negotiation, this book covers the step before. I was one of those who intellectually understood the logic of getting to yes with others but in real life it always fell back to win-lose.
By reading this book however I now realize that of course it didn’t work! I had spent most of my life avoiding my own needs, seeing only scarcity. The steps outlined are simple but not easy, building upon each other. They have helped me radical improve my own life which in turn fuels my desire to help others.
And that is the source of true happiness. Excellent book, worth the read!
Just as “Getting to Yes” is a thorough, well written book on negotiation, this book covers the step before. I was one of those who intellectually understood the logic of getting to yes with others but in real life it always fell back to win-lose.
By reading this book however I now realize that of course it didn’t work! I had spent most of my life avoiding my own needs, seeing only scarcity. The steps outlined are simple but not easy, building upon each other. They have helped me radical improve my own life which in turn fuels my desire to help others.
And that is the source of true happiness. Excellent book, worth the read!
March 25, 2019
"Getting to Yes" is one of the standards in business negotiation—emphasizing the value and process of negotiating in good faith towards a winning situation for all parties. In this book, Ury dives into the complexities of understanding ourselves, the first partner in a negotiation. Through case studies and experiences, he demonstrates how many conflict negotiations are founded in bad faith towards ourselves—becoming our own worst enemies, and undermining opportunities for a successful outcome. Here, Ury shows how to apply his negotiation tactics to ourselves—a win within—so that we can go on to win with others. Recommended, although at times a bit self-helpy.
November 3, 2017
A common theme among disparate authors seems to be a perspective shift from personal to communal through increased conscientiousness and selflessness. This can seem counterproductive in a business sense, but apparently it pays off in more than happiness, as if happiness were not all we really seek. The entire “Getting to Yes” series demonstrated treating others with dignity and respect often yields more for everyone than impersonal, positions based negotiation. This book gets at why we want what we want, and perhaps how our goals or approaches sometimes get in the way of true happiness.
January 9, 2018
A book on how to negotiate a “Yes” with yourself.
Pros: -quick read
- easy to understand “system” for getting a “yes” in negotiations with yourself and others
- the system works if you use it regularly
Cons: - The system could have been explained just as easily in a much shorter online article.
Final taught on the book: I would recommend borrowing it from a library or friend. It does what it says it will...teach you how to “get a a yes with yourself and other worthy opponents.
Pros: -quick read
- easy to understand “system” for getting a “yes” in negotiations with yourself and others
- the system works if you use it regularly
Cons: - The system could have been explained just as easily in a much shorter online article.
Final taught on the book: I would recommend borrowing it from a library or friend. It does what it says it will...teach you how to “get a a yes with yourself and other worthy opponents.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 1, 2019
Great insight to be successful one must start within
Of all challenges in life the largest opponent in any challenge is one's own thoughts and opinions. Mr. Ury does a great job of baselineing oneself on the topic headon. With tips on how to be more objective that is directly reflected in one's other actions/interactions in life. A great read that personally will return to again to help remind myself of the steps and activities needed to achieve personal satisfaction/gratification in life.
Of all challenges in life the largest opponent in any challenge is one's own thoughts and opinions. Mr. Ury does a great job of baselineing oneself on the topic headon. With tips on how to be more objective that is directly reflected in one's other actions/interactions in life. A great read that personally will return to again to help remind myself of the steps and activities needed to achieve personal satisfaction/gratification in life.
July 2, 2019
This book is enlightening in a sense that it recognized the ‘invincible’ party in the negotiation table: self.
Once you know the existence of self, you could take care of it. Just like how you take care other people: by being understanding, listening, and cooperating.
I am very helped by the BATNA explained in this book. How we should have alternative vision should the negotiation failed. In short, you would have a better edge in negotiation if you don’t really depend on it.
The writer shared a lot about his own personal experiences as well as his client’s.
A good book to read.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 29, 2021
The basic premise of this book is to help us understand how we need to stop ourselves from being/ becoming the biggest roadblock in our lives. How we need to learn to negotiate with ourselves first and be in that zone where we can best negotiate with others to walk away with the best deal which would be a win for us, win for others and a win for the overall good of this world. Overall an excellent read and a new way to look at how we think of ourselves in the context of how we interact with others in this world.
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