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You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation
Deborah Tannen's #1 New York Times bestseller You Just Don’t Understand revolutionized communication between women and men. Now, in her most provocative and engaging book to date, she takes on what is potentially the most fraught and passionate connection of women’s the mother-daughter relationship.
It was Tannen who first showed us that men and women speak different languages. Mothers and daughters speak the same language–but still often misunderstand each other, as they struggle to find the right balance between closeness and independence. Both mothers and daughters want to be seen for who they are, but tend to see the other as falling short of who she should be. Each overestimates the other’s power and underestimates her own.
Why do daughters complain that their mothers always criticize, while mothers feel hurt that their daughters shut them out? Why do mothers and daughters critique each other on the Big Three–hair, clothes, and weight–while longing for approval and understanding? And why do they scrutinize each other for reflections of themselves?
Deborah Tannen answers these and many other questions as she explains why a remark that would be harmless coming from anyone else can cause an explosion when it comes from your mother or your daughter. She examines every aspect of this complex dynamic, from the dark side that can shadow a woman throughout her life, to the new technologies like e-mail and instant messaging that are transforming mother-daughter communication. Most important, she helps mothers and daughters understand each other, the key to improving their relationship.
With groundbreaking insights, pitch-perfect dialogues, and deeply moving memories of her own mother, Tannen untangles the knots daughters and mothers can get tied up in. Readers will appreciate Tannen’s humor as they see themselves on every page and come away with real hope for breaking down barriers and opening new lines of communication. Eye-opening and heartfelt, You’re Wearing That? illuminates and enriches one of the most important relationships in our lives.
“Tannen analyzes and decodes scores of conversations between moms and daughters. These exchanges are so real they can make you squirm as you relive the last fraught conversation you had with your own mother or daughter. But Tannen doesn't just point out the pitfalls of the mother-daughter relationship, she also provides guidance for changing the conversations (or the way that we feel about the conversations) before they degenerate into what Tannen calls a mutually aggravating spiral, a "self-perpetuating cycle of escalating responses that become provocations." – The San Francisco Chronicle
It was Tannen who first showed us that men and women speak different languages. Mothers and daughters speak the same language–but still often misunderstand each other, as they struggle to find the right balance between closeness and independence. Both mothers and daughters want to be seen for who they are, but tend to see the other as falling short of who she should be. Each overestimates the other’s power and underestimates her own.
Why do daughters complain that their mothers always criticize, while mothers feel hurt that their daughters shut them out? Why do mothers and daughters critique each other on the Big Three–hair, clothes, and weight–while longing for approval and understanding? And why do they scrutinize each other for reflections of themselves?
Deborah Tannen answers these and many other questions as she explains why a remark that would be harmless coming from anyone else can cause an explosion when it comes from your mother or your daughter. She examines every aspect of this complex dynamic, from the dark side that can shadow a woman throughout her life, to the new technologies like e-mail and instant messaging that are transforming mother-daughter communication. Most important, she helps mothers and daughters understand each other, the key to improving their relationship.
With groundbreaking insights, pitch-perfect dialogues, and deeply moving memories of her own mother, Tannen untangles the knots daughters and mothers can get tied up in. Readers will appreciate Tannen’s humor as they see themselves on every page and come away with real hope for breaking down barriers and opening new lines of communication. Eye-opening and heartfelt, You’re Wearing That? illuminates and enriches one of the most important relationships in our lives.
“Tannen analyzes and decodes scores of conversations between moms and daughters. These exchanges are so real they can make you squirm as you relive the last fraught conversation you had with your own mother or daughter. But Tannen doesn't just point out the pitfalls of the mother-daughter relationship, she also provides guidance for changing the conversations (or the way that we feel about the conversations) before they degenerate into what Tannen calls a mutually aggravating spiral, a "self-perpetuating cycle of escalating responses that become provocations." – The San Francisco Chronicle
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 24, 2005
195 people are currently reading
2163 people want to read
About the author
Deborah Tannen
59 books329 followersDeborah Tannen is best known as the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on The New York Times Best Seller list for nearly four years years, including eight months as No. 1, and has been translated into 29 languages. It was also on best seller lists in Brazil, Canada, England, Germany, Holland, and Hong Kong. This is the book that brought gender differences in communication style to the forefront of public awareness. Her book Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work , a New York Times Business Best Seller, does for the workplace what the earlier book did for women and men talking at home. She has also made a training video, Talking 9 to 5. Her book, The Argument Culture, received the Common Ground Book Award. Her book, I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults, received a Books for a Better Life Award. Her latest book, You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, was recently published in paperback by Ballantine; it spent ten weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List after its initial publication in 2006.
Deborah Tannen is a frequent guest on television and radio news and information shows. In connection with You're Wearing THAT? she appeared on 20/20, Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Rachael Ray Talk Show, the CBS Early Show, and on NPR's Morning Edition and the Diane Rehm show. The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, 48 Hours, CBS News, ABC World News Tonight, Oprah, CNN, Larry King, Hardball, Nightline, and NPR are among the major television and radio shows on which Dr. Tannen has appeared in connection with previous books. She has been featured in and written for most major newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, USA Today, People, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.
Dr. Tannen has lectured all over the world. Her audiences have included corporations such as Corning, Chevron, Motorola, Rolm (Siemens), McKinsey and Co., and Delta, as well as the Board of Trustees of The Wharton School and a gathering of United States senators and their spouses. Combining the results of years of research and observation with videotaped real-life footage of office interaction, Dr. Tannen gives her audiences a new framework for understanding what happens in conversations both in the workplace and at home.
In addition to her linguistic research and writing, Dr. Tannen has published poetry, short stories, and personal essays. Her first play, "An Act of Devotion," is included in The Best American Short Plays: 1993-1994. It was produced, together with her play "Sisters," by Horizons Theatre in Arlington, Virginia in 1995.
Deborah Tannen is on the linguistics department faculty at Georgetown University, where she is one of only two in the College of Arts and Sciences who hold the distinguished rank of University Professor. She has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University, and was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, following a term in residence at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey. She has published twenty-one books and over 100 articles and is the recipient of five honorary doctorates. Dr. Tannen is a member of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation Board and the Board of Horizons Theatre.
Deborah Tannen is a frequent guest on television and radio news and information shows. In connection with You're Wearing THAT? she appeared on 20/20, Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Rachael Ray Talk Show, the CBS Early Show, and on NPR's Morning Edition and the Diane Rehm show. The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, 48 Hours, CBS News, ABC World News Tonight, Oprah, CNN, Larry King, Hardball, Nightline, and NPR are among the major television and radio shows on which Dr. Tannen has appeared in connection with previous books. She has been featured in and written for most major newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, USA Today, People, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.
Dr. Tannen has lectured all over the world. Her audiences have included corporations such as Corning, Chevron, Motorola, Rolm (Siemens), McKinsey and Co., and Delta, as well as the Board of Trustees of The Wharton School and a gathering of United States senators and their spouses. Combining the results of years of research and observation with videotaped real-life footage of office interaction, Dr. Tannen gives her audiences a new framework for understanding what happens in conversations both in the workplace and at home.
In addition to her linguistic research and writing, Dr. Tannen has published poetry, short stories, and personal essays. Her first play, "An Act of Devotion," is included in The Best American Short Plays: 1993-1994. It was produced, together with her play "Sisters," by Horizons Theatre in Arlington, Virginia in 1995.
Deborah Tannen is on the linguistics department faculty at Georgetown University, where she is one of only two in the College of Arts and Sciences who hold the distinguished rank of University Professor. She has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University, and was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, following a term in residence at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey. She has published twenty-one books and over 100 articles and is the recipient of five honorary doctorates. Dr. Tannen is a member of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation Board and the Board of Horizons Theatre.
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May 5, 2023
" أنتِ لم تفهميني...لم تفهميني أبداً..."
هذه الجملة الشائعة التي تراها تنطلق من البنت في محاولة منها لتنبيه أمها بأن ثمة عائق في التواصل بينهما ، ولطالما كانت تلك الجملة صادمة للأم في كل مرة تتلقاها من ابنتها غير أن كليهما لم يتوصل إلى سبيل للتفهم والقبول...
ترى هل نحن البنات من نقوم بإغواء أمهاتنا للوقوع في فخ التماس النصيحة وطلب المساعدة لننفجر غضباً بعد ذلك للإحساس بالتحكم بنا وفقد الثقة بالنفس والتقليل من شأن قدرتنا على إتخاذ القرارات الصائبة ؟!!...
يستحيل الجزم بإجابة قاطعة عن أشد العلاقات فرادة وقوة في التأثير علينا وتشكيل جوهر شخصياتنا بل وإثارة عواطفنا على المدى البعيد....
هذا الكتاب يتناول تحليلاً لعلاقة الأمهات ببناتهن المراهقات والراشدات وذلك بتقديم عرضاً مُفصلاً للعديد من الحوارات والتي تضمنت نساء من مختلف الاعمار والأجناس ولقد ساعد تخصص الكاتبة في العلوم اللغوية تقديم عدداً من الاقتراحات والتى لا أعدها حلولاً لتحسين التواصل بين الأمهات وبناتهن...
أتدري أين تكمن مأساة اللاتفاهم في التواصل أن ثمة رسائل خفية ينطوي عليها الكلام المباشر تصل للابنة وتلك التي تشعل فتيل الغضب والإحباط عندما تتأذى من تلك الرسائل المؤلمة ولقد تنبهت بأن الأمر مبني على تخمين توقعي بغض النظر عن افتراض النوايا الطيبة...، فالأم تحاول المساعدة وتقديم الاهتمام والحماية ولكن لم تستطع أن تقدم ذلك دون أن تمرر التلميحات الخفية للإنتقاد...
وإذا ما تساءلنا بشأن غضب الابنة فليس إلا إنها ترى بأن أمهاتنا يرين انعكاساً لأنفسهن من خلالنا يصطدم مع أمانينا أن يرانا الآخرون كأنفسنا وبالرغم من ذلك تود الابنة أن تكون أمها فخورة بها وترضى عنها رضا كاملاً ومن هنا تتسع المسافة بينهما إثر خطوات للأمام من طرف وتراجع للخلف من طرف آخر إلى أن يجدا أنفسهما سوياً على حافة الهاوية..
صراع دائم من تاريخ طويل من الحوارات المشحونة متغيرة المسارات من اللطف إلى التوتر ، من الدعم إلى الإنتقاد ، من التشجيع إلى فقد الثقة ...دائرة مغلقة تعيد نفسها مراراً وتكراراً...
العلاقة معقدة ومتشابكة لأنها قائمة على اللغة بما فيها من التباس ومراوغة ، التطرق لمواضع تؤذي يستحيل تجنبها ، سيطرة شعور الرغبة في الاحتواء والخوف من الاستبعاد طاغٍ على المرأة أكانت أماً أو ابنة ، تعابير الوجة ولغة الجسد تمرر من الرسائل ما يكفي لتصاعد الجدال بينهما...وليس هناك أشد من خيبة الأمل في قريب حبيب...
دور الأمومة ليس سهلاً فهو تناوب ما بين شعور بالهدوء والغيظ ، العطاء الحنون والغضب الثائر ، ما بين الايمان بأن الآخرين في حاجة لمساعدتها على الدوام وبين متى ينبغي عليها التوقف والانتظار ، لكن الابنة لا تأبى لذلك ، فهى لا ترغب إلا في الحصول على أم تتفهم وجهة نظرها وتعترف بعالمها...
وبالرغم من إنني لست ممن يؤيد وسائل التواصل التقنية الحديثة لتعزيز رباط الألفة والمودة بين الأم وابنتها ولكن يبدو إنها مجدية لتعزيز العلاقة وتحسينها خاصة عندما تحتم المسافات البعيدة مثل هذا التواصل...
حسناً...اتفقنا مٌسبقاً بأن ليست هنالك حلولاً حاسمة أو قواعد ثابتة تنطبق على الأمهات والبنات جميعهن ، ولكن ثمة اقتراحات يمكن الأخذ بها لتحقيق التفاهم والقبول وتبادل الثقة والاهتمام....
إذ يتطلب الأمر تغيير مسار الحوار وطريقة التأثر بالكلمات ، التواصل الجسدي بعناق وتغيير نغمة الحوار كفيلة بكسر دائرة الجدال...
أحياناً طرح سؤال " ماذا تعنين بهذا " هو المنقذ بالتوصل لاجابة صريحة مباشرة أياً يكن المغزى من وراءها
لفت نظر الأم لتأثير كلماتها المؤلمة حتى وان لن تتوقف عن الانتقاد مراراً ، على الابنة التوقف عن استعادة الحوارات القديمة وتحاول ان تشارك أمها بقصص نجاحاتها أكثر من قصص فشلها ، المزاح والفكاهة يقلل من التوتر وحدة الكلمات وينعطف بها بعيداً ولو قليلاً...
ولتعلم بأن كل هذا من بين ان يخمد فتيل ويشتعل فهو بالنهاية لا يمس الحب الفطري الذي يُلتمس من لمحات خاطفة كأن تخبر الأم ابنتها بأن نبرة صوتها متغيرة وثمة ما يقلقها بشأنها ، أو عندما ترتمي الابنة في حضن أمها خائفة تلتمس الأمان...
نحن نتعلق بأمهاتنا في حياتهن وبعد فقدهن لأن ما يجمعنا بهن ليست علاقة عابرة بل بها نحن على ما نحن عليه....
وأخيراً لا تحاولن الهروب من أمهاتكن بينما أنتن في الحقيقة تحاولن إيجادهن.....
هذه الجملة الشائعة التي تراها تنطلق من البنت في محاولة منها لتنبيه أمها بأن ثمة عائق في التواصل بينهما ، ولطالما كانت تلك الجملة صادمة للأم في كل مرة تتلقاها من ابنتها غير أن كليهما لم يتوصل إلى سبيل للتفهم والقبول...
ترى هل نحن البنات من نقوم بإغواء أمهاتنا للوقوع في فخ التماس النصيحة وطلب المساعدة لننفجر غضباً بعد ذلك للإحساس بالتحكم بنا وفقد الثقة بالنفس والتقليل من شأن قدرتنا على إتخاذ القرارات الصائبة ؟!!...
يستحيل الجزم بإجابة قاطعة عن أشد العلاقات فرادة وقوة في التأثير علينا وتشكيل جوهر شخصياتنا بل وإثارة عواطفنا على المدى البعيد....
هذا الكتاب يتناول تحليلاً لعلاقة الأمهات ببناتهن المراهقات والراشدات وذلك بتقديم عرضاً مُفصلاً للعديد من الحوارات والتي تضمنت نساء من مختلف الاعمار والأجناس ولقد ساعد تخصص الكاتبة في العلوم اللغوية تقديم عدداً من الاقتراحات والتى لا أعدها حلولاً لتحسين التواصل بين الأمهات وبناتهن...
أتدري أين تكمن مأساة اللاتفاهم في التواصل أن ثمة رسائل خفية ينطوي عليها الكلام المباشر تصل للابنة وتلك التي تشعل فتيل الغضب والإحباط عندما تتأذى من تلك الرسائل المؤلمة ولقد تنبهت بأن الأمر مبني على تخمين توقعي بغض النظر عن افتراض النوايا الطيبة...، فالأم تحاول المساعدة وتقديم الاهتمام والحماية ولكن لم تستطع أن تقدم ذلك دون أن تمرر التلميحات الخفية للإنتقاد...
وإذا ما تساءلنا بشأن غضب الابنة فليس إلا إنها ترى بأن أمهاتنا يرين انعكاساً لأنفسهن من خلالنا يصطدم مع أمانينا أن يرانا الآخرون كأنفسنا وبالرغم من ذلك تود الابنة أن تكون أمها فخورة بها وترضى عنها رضا كاملاً ومن هنا تتسع المسافة بينهما إثر خطوات للأمام من طرف وتراجع للخلف من طرف آخر إلى أن يجدا أنفسهما سوياً على حافة الهاوية..
صراع دائم من تاريخ طويل من الحوارات المشحونة متغيرة المسارات من اللطف إلى التوتر ، من الدعم إلى الإنتقاد ، من التشجيع إلى فقد الثقة ...دائرة مغلقة تعيد نفسها مراراً وتكراراً...
العلاقة معقدة ومتشابكة لأنها قائمة على اللغة بما فيها من التباس ومراوغة ، التطرق لمواضع تؤذي يستحيل تجنبها ، سيطرة شعور الرغبة في الاحتواء والخوف من الاستبعاد طاغٍ على المرأة أكانت أماً أو ابنة ، تعابير الوجة ولغة الجسد تمرر من الرسائل ما يكفي لتصاعد الجدال بينهما...وليس هناك أشد من خيبة الأمل في قريب حبيب...
دور الأمومة ليس سهلاً فهو تناوب ما بين شعور بالهدوء والغيظ ، العطاء الحنون والغضب الثائر ، ما بين الايمان بأن الآخرين في حاجة لمساعدتها على الدوام وبين متى ينبغي عليها التوقف والانتظار ، لكن الابنة لا تأبى لذلك ، فهى لا ترغب إلا في الحصول على أم تتفهم وجهة نظرها وتعترف بعالمها...
وبالرغم من إنني لست ممن يؤيد وسائل التواصل التقنية الحديثة لتعزيز رباط الألفة والمودة بين الأم وابنتها ولكن يبدو إنها مجدية لتعزيز العلاقة وتحسينها خاصة عندما تحتم المسافات البعيدة مثل هذا التواصل...
حسناً...اتفقنا مٌسبقاً بأن ليست هنالك حلولاً حاسمة أو قواعد ثابتة تنطبق على الأمهات والبنات جميعهن ، ولكن ثمة اقتراحات يمكن الأخذ بها لتحقيق التفاهم والقبول وتبادل الثقة والاهتمام....
إذ يتطلب الأمر تغيير مسار الحوار وطريقة التأثر بالكلمات ، التواصل الجسدي بعناق وتغيير نغمة الحوار كفيلة بكسر دائرة الجدال...
أحياناً طرح سؤال " ماذا تعنين بهذا " هو المنقذ بالتوصل لاجابة صريحة مباشرة أياً يكن المغزى من وراءها
لفت نظر الأم لتأثير كلماتها المؤلمة حتى وان لن تتوقف عن الانتقاد مراراً ، على الابنة التوقف عن استعادة الحوارات القديمة وتحاول ان تشارك أمها بقصص نجاحاتها أكثر من قصص فشلها ، المزاح والفكاهة يقلل من التوتر وحدة الكلمات وينعطف بها بعيداً ولو قليلاً...
ولتعلم بأن كل هذا من بين ان يخمد فتيل ويشتعل فهو بالنهاية لا يمس الحب الفطري الذي يُلتمس من لمحات خاطفة كأن تخبر الأم ابنتها بأن نبرة صوتها متغيرة وثمة ما يقلقها بشأنها ، أو عندما ترتمي الابنة في حضن أمها خائفة تلتمس الأمان...
نحن نتعلق بأمهاتنا في حياتهن وبعد فقدهن لأن ما يجمعنا بهن ليست علاقة عابرة بل بها نحن على ما نحن عليه....
وأخيراً لا تحاولن الهروب من أمهاتكن بينما أنتن في الحقيقة تحاولن إيجادهن.....
December 11, 2023
يعطي السؤال الوارد بالعنوان إضافة لملابس الطفلة على الغلاف فكرة خادعة بأنه عن العلاقة بين البنات الصغيرات وأمهاتهن إلا أن الكتاب موضوعه هو العلاقة بين الأمهات وبناتهن الراشدات
تلك العلاقة التي قد تكون سببًا للسكينة والراحة أو مصدرًا للألم
من بين كل العلاقات داخل العائلة تظل العلاقة بين الأمهات والبنات مشحونة، معقدة، مليئة بالمشاعر والانفعالات
هي علاقة بين اثنين يتشابهان في الكثير ومن هذا التشابه تستمد كل منهما دعمًا وقوة، وفي نفس الوقت رغبة ملحة في التفرد، وخوفًا من سجن هذا التشابه..
للكلام في حياة النساء دور وقوة حضور يفوق غيره من العلاقات
لهذا خرجت الكاتبة من نطاق عملها الأكاديمي بكتاب يمكن لأمها(التي توفيت أثناء كتابته) وأمهات كثيرات الشعور بالألفة تجاه قراءته ومتابعة القصص الواردة به.
في كثير من القصص رأيت نفسي وأمي خلف السطور تسامحت وتفهمت عندما فهمت ما يحيط بعلاقاتنا كأم وابنتها الكبرى التي تشبهها حد الغضب..
يأتي الكتاب كحوار لفهم العلاقة بين الأمهات والبنات من خلال قصص عايشتها الكاتبة في حياتها وعائلتها، أو من خلال تسجيلات مع طلابها ضمن مشروعاتهم الدراسية..
وتحلل الكاتبة تلك الحوارات من وجهة نظر الأم والبنت، وتفصّل العقبات التي تواجهها الأم من المجتمع والعائلة والعمل والضغط والتقييم المجتمعي الذي تتعرض له في وظيفتها كأم، وقلقها المضاعف تجاه إصابة أطفالها بمكروه وخوفها الذي يضاعفه الخبراء الذين يبدلون كلامهم سنة وراء سنة حول ما الذي يصلح للطفل من طعام وشراب ونوم وعلى الأم التنفيذ خوفًا من الاتهام بالتقصير في حق طفلها..
وذكرت الكاتبة بعض الحلول لتحسين جودة التواصل بين الأمهات والبنات وهناك فصلا كاملا عن التأثير الإيجابي لوسائل المراسلة الحديثة في تذليل عقبات التواصل مع الأمهات عندما يكون من الصعب إظهار مشاعرنا وجها لوجه، وكانت قراءة قصص المراسلات في هذا الفصل تجربة ممتعة، كتاب عن التقبل والحوار والتفهم وعن تعظيم قيمة العلاقات الإنسانية.. رائع، بسيط، وأنصح به بكل تأكيد.
Wed, 3 May, 2023 📚 ❤️
تلك العلاقة التي قد تكون سببًا للسكينة والراحة أو مصدرًا للألم
من بين كل العلاقات داخل العائلة تظل العلاقة بين الأمهات والبنات مشحونة، معقدة، مليئة بالمشاعر والانفعالات
هي علاقة بين اثنين يتشابهان في الكثير ومن هذا التشابه تستمد كل منهما دعمًا وقوة، وفي نفس الوقت رغبة ملحة في التفرد، وخوفًا من سجن هذا التشابه..
للكلام في حياة النساء دور وقوة حضور يفوق غيره من العلاقات
لهذا خرجت الكاتبة من نطاق عملها الأكاديمي بكتاب يمكن لأمها(التي توفيت أثناء كتابته) وأمهات كثيرات الشعور بالألفة تجاه قراءته ومتابعة القصص الواردة به.
في كثير من القصص رأيت نفسي وأمي خلف السطور تسامحت وتفهمت عندما فهمت ما يحيط بعلاقاتنا كأم وابنتها الكبرى التي تشبهها حد الغضب..
يأتي الكتاب كحوار لفهم العلاقة بين الأمهات والبنات من خلال قصص عايشتها الكاتبة في حياتها وعائلتها، أو من خلال تسجيلات مع طلابها ضمن مشروعاتهم الدراسية..
وتحلل الكاتبة تلك الحوارات من وجهة نظر الأم والبنت، وتفصّل العقبات التي تواجهها الأم من المجتمع والعائلة والعمل والضغط والتقييم المجتمعي الذي تتعرض له في وظيفتها كأم، وقلقها المضاعف تجاه إصابة أطفالها بمكروه وخوفها الذي يضاعفه الخبراء الذين يبدلون كلامهم سنة وراء سنة حول ما الذي يصلح للطفل من طعام وشراب ونوم وعلى الأم التنفيذ خوفًا من الاتهام بالتقصير في حق طفلها..
وذكرت الكاتبة بعض الحلول لتحسين جودة التواصل بين الأمهات والبنات وهناك فصلا كاملا عن التأثير الإيجابي لوسائل المراسلة الحديثة في تذليل عقبات التواصل مع الأمهات عندما يكون من الصعب إظهار مشاعرنا وجها لوجه، وكانت قراءة قصص المراسلات في هذا الفصل تجربة ممتعة، كتاب عن التقبل والحوار والتفهم وعن تعظيم قيمة العلاقات الإنسانية.. رائع، بسيط، وأنصح به بكل تأكيد.
Wed, 3 May, 2023 📚 ❤️
March 26, 2010
I made it to page 119 of this book. I went in wanting to learn some techniques to break through the rut of typical mother-daughter quarreling patterns, instead I found a rehashing of why they happen. And a not particularly insightful one. It's not that the things Tannen is describing aren't true, they are just kind of obvious. There's a huge chapter explaining the concept that mothers and daughters tend to compare themselves to each other. WOW.
And sometimes Tannen's explanations of the reasoning behind the extreme reactions of daughters to mothers and vice versa are less than satisfactory. At the very beginning she has an example of a mother telling her daughter that she likes her daughter's hair combed back. The daughter responds that she is wearing it down today. Her mother says "I just think it looks better the other way." Tannen goes on to say that there is a metamessage of criticism in the mother's response. I say, what's meta about it? That is plain criticism.
Maybe I'm biased as a daughter, but I would have liked to see some discussion of how to approach the way that mothers use criticism AS caring and expect daughters to accept that and maybe offer ways to get past it. Instead she simply describes the behavior over and over.
And sometimes Tannen's explanations of the reasoning behind the extreme reactions of daughters to mothers and vice versa are less than satisfactory. At the very beginning she has an example of a mother telling her daughter that she likes her daughter's hair combed back. The daughter responds that she is wearing it down today. Her mother says "I just think it looks better the other way." Tannen goes on to say that there is a metamessage of criticism in the mother's response. I say, what's meta about it? That is plain criticism.
Maybe I'm biased as a daughter, but I would have liked to see some discussion of how to approach the way that mothers use criticism AS caring and expect daughters to accept that and maybe offer ways to get past it. Instead she simply describes the behavior over and over.
May 19, 2008
I don't know if I should count this as read or not. I listened to about 2/3 of it, but when it was due at the library I didn't care to finish so turned it in. It had some great insights into adult mother/daughter relationships, but I guess I was looking for something more applicable to my daughters and me now.
Read
July 30, 2011Many people often tell me that I need to change the way I interact with my mother. Yet very rarely am I given solid advice from people who understand psychologically or otherwise what a struggle this is and how to even begin to change. A relationship with a mother and daughter is already unique not to mention the added dynamics that life throws in. This book was a tool for me; a stepping stone in reframing the way I interpret comments and behaviours thereby affecting the way I respond to them. Already I am aware of the metamessages in my conversations with my mom and this has had a positive impact on our relationship. I recommend this book to all daughters who cant seem to understand their mothers and to women with daughters of their own. Since I've had the book, three co-workers, who are also mothers have began reading and the inevitable 'workplace book war' ensued, as well as various discussions on individual mother-daughter relationships. Admittedly, this type of writing is not my favourite but it has changed my life if not completely, significantly enough to write such a review.
February 17, 2009
This is a really insightful book about relationships between mothers and daughters. It helps to understand the relationships between mothers and daughters when we know that we see each other as reflections of ourselves. I had to laugh when I read the chapters where mothers and daughters expressed their conflict over hairstyles and clothing. It seems for some mother/daughter pairs this doesn't end at the end of the daughter's teenage years. Another aspect of the relationship dynamic is that the mothering role is of such deep and intense importance to both women that it is a source of deep emotional insecurity and need for reassurance. Mothering is a task that can never been done perfectly, yet it such a critical aspect of family life and society. Women cannot help but feel inadequate to the task, yet they deeply seek affirmation that they are doing well enough.
A couple of important things I gleaned from this book is that the reason these relationships are so intense is twofold-- because they are both important and intimate. The other important message of this book is to recognize the relationship between connection and control in mother-daughter relationships. Mothers come from a place of protection and love, and daughters tend to see that as controlling. Daughters reach out for connection and a mother's solicited advice sounds like she doesn't trust her daughter or think she can handle her own problems. These dynamics lead to problems and conflicts, yet the same dynamics also lead to reconciliation and reaching out in love. What both mothers and daughters are seeking is love, intimacy, connection, and to be seen for who she really is. The best way to improve communication is use humor, and to recognize the real message behind the words and respond to that in a loving way.
A couple of important things I gleaned from this book is that the reason these relationships are so intense is twofold-- because they are both important and intimate. The other important message of this book is to recognize the relationship between connection and control in mother-daughter relationships. Mothers come from a place of protection and love, and daughters tend to see that as controlling. Daughters reach out for connection and a mother's solicited advice sounds like she doesn't trust her daughter or think she can handle her own problems. These dynamics lead to problems and conflicts, yet the same dynamics also lead to reconciliation and reaching out in love. What both mothers and daughters are seeking is love, intimacy, connection, and to be seen for who she really is. The best way to improve communication is use humor, and to recognize the real message behind the words and respond to that in a loving way.
September 5, 2011
هذا الكتاب ربما اشعرني بأنني انانية و انا اقرأه , ربما لأني كنت افكر بعلاقتي _ الصعبة _ بابنتي , شأني شأن كثير من الامهات , و قليلا ما كنت أفكر بوالدتي , ربما لأن والدتي كانت أرق علينا من النسمة , و قليلا جدا ما كانت هناك خلافات مابيننا
العلاقة مع البنات اجدها كأم أصعب بكثير من العلاقة مع الأولاد , علاقة تشوبها عواطف جياشة من الطرفين , نبدو فيها كأطراف المغناطيس التي تتنافر فقط لآنها تتشابه و هذا الكتاب يتحدث بالظبط عن هذه النقطة الجوهرية فيم يخص علاقة الامهات بالبنات .
كتاب أكثر من ممتع , و أكثر من مفيد , جعلني ابتسم , و أتذكر الكثير من المواقف التي مرت ,, و بالمناسبه الكتاب ليس موجه الى النساء فقط , بل هو موجه الى كل رجل و امرأة , يمكنك معه أيها الرجل أن تدخل عالم النساء اللاتي يزين حياتك لتفهمهن أكثر , أو على الأقل لتفهمهن قليلا .
تقول المؤلفة :
( لا تحتاج الأمهات و البنات إلى أن يشعرن بالمرض حتى يتكلمن و يتواصلن مع بعضهن , في حال كان التواصل من مسافة بعيدة أو من خلال اللقاء الشخصي أو من خلال مكالمة هاتفية و من خلال كلام النساء معي عن أكثر ما يقدرونه في العلاقة مع أمهاتهن فإن كثيرا منهن ذكرن الحوارات الدائمة التي تدور حول أصغر التفاصيل في الحياة اليومية ... )
أظنها _ تفاصيلنا الصغيرة و الكثيرة _أحد أسباب شهرتنا نحن النساء ب( الثرثرة ) علّ معشر الرجال لا يدركون أننا عندما نثرثر في تفاصيل قد لا تبدو مهمة فإننا فقط نبحث عن ارتباط .. هذا سر من أسرار النساء المكشوفة من زمن طويل .. و لكن ؟؟؟
كتاب رائع و أنصح بقراءته بلا شك
العلاقة مع البنات اجدها كأم أصعب بكثير من العلاقة مع الأولاد , علاقة تشوبها عواطف جياشة من الطرفين , نبدو فيها كأطراف المغناطيس التي تتنافر فقط لآنها تتشابه و هذا الكتاب يتحدث بالظبط عن هذه النقطة الجوهرية فيم يخص علاقة الامهات بالبنات .
كتاب أكثر من ممتع , و أكثر من مفيد , جعلني ابتسم , و أتذكر الكثير من المواقف التي مرت ,, و بالمناسبه الكتاب ليس موجه الى النساء فقط , بل هو موجه الى كل رجل و امرأة , يمكنك معه أيها الرجل أن تدخل عالم النساء اللاتي يزين حياتك لتفهمهن أكثر , أو على الأقل لتفهمهن قليلا .
تقول المؤلفة :
( لا تحتاج الأمهات و البنات إلى أن يشعرن بالمرض حتى يتكلمن و يتواصلن مع بعضهن , في حال كان التواصل من مسافة بعيدة أو من خلال اللقاء الشخصي أو من خلال مكالمة هاتفية و من خلال كلام النساء معي عن أكثر ما يقدرونه في العلاقة مع أمهاتهن فإن كثيرا منهن ذكرن الحوارات الدائمة التي تدور حول أصغر التفاصيل في الحياة اليومية ... )
أظنها _ تفاصيلنا الصغيرة و الكثيرة _أحد أسباب شهرتنا نحن النساء ب( الثرثرة ) علّ معشر الرجال لا يدركون أننا عندما نثرثر في تفاصيل قد لا تبدو مهمة فإننا فقط نبحث عن ارتباط .. هذا سر من أسرار النساء المكشوفة من زمن طويل .. و لكن ؟؟؟
كتاب رائع و أنصح بقراءته بلا شك
November 22, 2020
مش قادرة أكمله للأسف
October 18, 2025
Took me forever to read but I feel like a learned a lot. It made me sad and scared and also happy and clearheaded. Love you mom! 👩🏼♥️
Read
November 1, 2021Tannen flawlessly connects linguistic patterns inherent to mother-daughter interaction and somehow neutralizes language that is usually loaded and emotional. This book was eye-opening.
March 6, 2015
One point take away: Stop being judgmental on how your daughter, or any child, looks. Focus on the most important thing: the relationship.
When mother's communication is focused on how daughter looks via clothes, hair or weight (the Big Three that cuts across all cultures) then the conversation has little hope to get where is needs to be: on where the daughter is emotionally and spiritually.
This continues on to the next generation. When a (grand)mother is judging how her granddaughter looks or the actions she is taking, the mother of the granddaughter feels criticized for the way she is raising her girl.
In my opinion, this can only lead to isolation and loneliness in the later or aged years as daughters and granddaughters don't feel they can share their inner self.
Furthermore, how you react to your daughter when she "scrapes her knee" is how she expects to be treated by other adults, especially a spouse, later in life. When a little girl scrapes her knee then overly soft soothing talk can be appropriate. When she is an adolescent, it's not, and other adults may not give it. Continuing to do so puts her at a disadvantage to expect it and wonder why its not coming - contributing to feelings of unfulfilled expectations.
When mother's communication is focused on how daughter looks via clothes, hair or weight (the Big Three that cuts across all cultures) then the conversation has little hope to get where is needs to be: on where the daughter is emotionally and spiritually.
This continues on to the next generation. When a (grand)mother is judging how her granddaughter looks or the actions she is taking, the mother of the granddaughter feels criticized for the way she is raising her girl.
In my opinion, this can only lead to isolation and loneliness in the later or aged years as daughters and granddaughters don't feel they can share their inner self.
Furthermore, how you react to your daughter when she "scrapes her knee" is how she expects to be treated by other adults, especially a spouse, later in life. When a little girl scrapes her knee then overly soft soothing talk can be appropriate. When she is an adolescent, it's not, and other adults may not give it. Continuing to do so puts her at a disadvantage to expect it and wonder why its not coming - contributing to feelings of unfulfilled expectations.
December 21, 2014
I read this in an afternoon. It's very similar to her other books in that it simply documents several collected examples of conversations, categorizes them, and then offers some light linguistic explanation of what's happening in each category. While not the most enlightening read, especially in linguistics, it's good for pointing out some of the verbal pitfalls that inevitably happen between mothers and (especially teen or adult) daughters. The main message for moms seems to be: just hold your tongue, because whatever you say is likely to be all wrong.
June 2, 2022
Pretty interesting book, though it was mostly just stories of conversations between mothers and daughters. I didn’t really learn anything new or find any ways to improve my relationship with my own mother. Still, kind of a fun read.
Read
August 23, 2010Wonderful study on mother/daughter relationships and communication
February 3, 2024
Overall, it’s an interesting book that looks at the patterns of language between mothers & daughters. Book is somewhat outdated (there’s a chapter referring to the new method of instant messaging). The book is a big collection of anecdotes that can fall completely flat if you grew up with a mother who was narcissistic, emotionally neglectful, or otherwise trauma-inducing. There’s one chapter about how mothers can purposefully be harmful but even that felt like it fell well short. I felt like I had to muscle through this book and though I found it interesting, I wouldn’t recommend it.
November 18, 2025
I loved this book and disagree with previous assertions that it didn’t address how daughters and mothers can change the conversations, as I feel it does just that. It’s very dense, but so well written and beautifully composed.
April 5, 2025
Well that was a TRIP. So much fascinating food for thought as both a daughter and a mother. I suspect I will need to go back through my highlights and remind myself of some key truths more than once.
Unfortunately the chapter on "modern" communication covered email and AOL Instant Messenger 😂 so it was hopelessly out of date...but still on the whole a worthwhile read.
Unfortunately the chapter on "modern" communication covered email and AOL Instant Messenger 😂 so it was hopelessly out of date...but still on the whole a worthwhile read.
February 21, 2014
Вероятно всяка жена може да напише собствена книга за отношенията с майка си. А по-късно – и за отношенията с дъщеря си. Моята я е написала Дебора Танен. Почти през цялото време, докато четях, имах чувството, че ме е разпитвала подробно – за това, как се разбирам (по-често не се разбирам) с моята майка. Успя да покрие всички проблемни точки, че и няколко в допълнение. За тези допълнителните наистина съм благодарна, че не съм ги преживяла. Видях, че нашите отношения не са нито най-лоши, нито единсвено проблемни, а това си е голяма утеха.
И така – какъв е основният проблем на майките и дъщерите? Според Танен проблемите са няколко, което е добре – така и решенията могат да са различни. На първо място е естеството на връзката между майките и дъщерите – хем са твърде близки, хем не са един човек. Дъщерите растат, развиват характер и самостоятелност, искат да започнат свой живот, отделен от родителя. Само че това никак не е лесно и в един момент се оказва, че имаме нужда от майките си. Но не за да решават проблемите ни, както са правили, когато са били малки, а да ги подкрепят, да им вдъхнат сила, за да се справят сами. Дъщерите, искат да бъдат виждани, разбирани, чувани, приемани и одобрявани. Искат да получат всичко това от човека, който им е най-близък – от майките си. Само че най-често става така, че вместо подкрепа, получават съвети, а от там – косвена критика. Кой би искал това?
От тук следва и вторият голям проблем – разликата в гледните точки. Там, където майката вижда грижа за детето си, дъщерята вижда опит за намеса, а в по-голяма част от случаите – неодобрение и критика. Според Танен трите основни точки, по които майките не одобряват и критикуват дъщерите си са косата, дрехите, теглото. Колко познато…. Колко пъти съм чувала „Сега така облечена ли ще излезеш?”, „Защо не си пуснеш дълга коса – много ще ти отива?”, „Пак не яде нищо – затова си толкова слаба!”? Отговорът също е типичен – тросване, следвано от наранените чувства на двете страни, сърдене, болка, вина, разкаяние. Е, следващият път просто ще променя гледната си точка, няма да виждам критиката, а грижата. Няма да си пусна дълга коса, нито ще се преоблека, но няма и да се ядосам.
Ето един цитат, който ме впечатли много, поради това, че аз самата съм изричала подобни думи 100 пъти (поне за ��олкова си спомням):
“Ïn deciding what kind of mothers they want to be, many women compare themselves to their own mothers and try to be different.‘’
Няма да съм като майка ми….
Но да се върна на книгата. Изградена е на базата на примери от живота на различни жени, случки от всекидневието, разговори – основната част на изледването на авторката. На базата на тях Дебора Танен разсъждава, прави изводи и предлага възможните гледни точки, а от там и решения на проблемите с комуникацията. Но основният похват е майките и дъщерите да се опитат да се поставят на мястото на другата, да видят ситуацията с нейните очи. Да променят начина на разговор, ако всеки път зациклят в едни и същи болезнени теми. Да променят начина на реакция към привидното неодобрение и критика, да се въздържат от съвети. Веднъж разлъсали порочния кръг на лошата комуникация, отношенията им могат да вървят към подобряване.
И така – какъв е основният проблем на майките и дъщерите? Според Танен проблемите са няколко, което е добре – така и решенията могат да са различни. На първо място е естеството на връзката между майките и дъщерите – хем са твърде близки, хем не са един човек. Дъщерите растат, развиват характер и самостоятелност, искат да започнат свой живот, отделен от родителя. Само че това никак не е лесно и в един момент се оказва, че имаме нужда от майките си. Но не за да решават проблемите ни, както са правили, когато са били малки, а да ги подкрепят, да им вдъхнат сила, за да се справят сами. Дъщерите, искат да бъдат виждани, разбирани, чувани, приемани и одобрявани. Искат да получат всичко това от човека, който им е най-близък – от майките си. Само че най-често става така, че вместо подкрепа, получават съвети, а от там – косвена критика. Кой би искал това?
От тук следва и вторият голям проблем – разликата в гледните точки. Там, където майката вижда грижа за детето си, дъщерята вижда опит за намеса, а в по-голяма част от случаите – неодобрение и критика. Според Танен трите основни точки, по които майките не одобряват и критикуват дъщерите си са косата, дрехите, теглото. Колко познато…. Колко пъти съм чувала „Сега така облечена ли ще излезеш?”, „Защо не си пуснеш дълга коса – много ще ти отива?”, „Пак не яде нищо – затова си толкова слаба!”? Отговорът също е типичен – тросване, следвано от наранените чувства на двете страни, сърдене, болка, вина, разкаяние. Е, следващият път просто ще променя гледната си точка, няма да виждам критиката, а грижата. Няма да си пусна дълга коса, нито ще се преоблека, но няма и да се ядосам.
Ето един цитат, който ме впечатли много, поради това, че аз самата съм изричала подобни думи 100 пъти (поне за ��олкова си спомням):
“Ïn deciding what kind of mothers they want to be, many women compare themselves to their own mothers and try to be different.‘’
Няма да съм като майка ми….
Но да се върна на книгата. Изградена е на базата на примери от живота на различни жени, случки от всекидневието, разговори – основната част на изледването на авторката. На базата на тях Дебора Танен разсъждава, прави изводи и предлага възможните гледни точки, а от там и решения на проблемите с комуникацията. Но основният похват е майките и дъщерите да се опитат да се поставят на мястото на другата, да видят ситуацията с нейните очи. Да променят начина на разговор, ако всеки път зациклят в едни и същи болезнени теми. Да променят начина на реакция към привидното неодобрение и критика, да се въздържат от съвети. Веднъж разлъсали порочния кръг на лошата комуникация, отношенията им могат да вървят към подобряване.
July 25, 2020
“Spent my life trying to escape my mother, now the rest of my life trying to find her.”
This book really spoke to my heart and to the psychological pain points I had with my own mother. It’s too late to remedy my relationship with my own mom as I mourn her recent passing and expectations unfulfilled. I think I can help stop perpetuating cycle with my own tochter. Learning more about meta-messages and Complementary schism o genesis was a revelation to me. And also looking at the how different personal relationships that a person can have depending on at what stage of life they meet you and point of view.
Another important facet of this book was looking at how mothers are more scrutinized, verbally judged and how women are treated differently by each other and societal standards.
Resentment when mothers focus on daughters appearance rather than what daughters feel is more important.
Big 3 criticism
1. HAIR
2. Clothes
3. Weight
4. Parenting
Hair-what others notice but bever express but mothers feel obligated and entitled to criticize hair.
Why hair??
Something so intimate about combing hair
An expression of how close we are
Full circle - combing old mothers long thin hair
Girls intimacy as friends playing with hair
Grooming among primates to reflect and reinforce alliances
Women are overwhelming judged by appearance
Value is judged by how she mothers
Widespread tendency to blame the mother
Motherhood criticism cuts deepest
Focus on what she does, not how she looks
Preoccupation with appearance makes her feel disappointed that she’s not focusing on characteristics she feels are more important.
————/———//————————
———-//————————————
Mother of all relationships
Deepest love and deepest anger and hate
Face to face with reflections of ourselves
Forces fundamental questions about ourselves
Understanding required
The others point of view
Daunting struggles for control
Cycles of misunderstandings
Minimize rapport of hurt
Complex
Uniquely intense
Source of great comfort and great pain
Rejection
Disapproval
Push and pull
Central Conundrum
Double meaning of connection and control
Closeness always carries with it the need to consider how your actions will affect the other person. Word or action interpretation
Bonds or bondage
Message-literal meaning
Meta message- implications of those words
How it’s said or the fact that it’s said at all.
Crying literal meaning
Meta message of caring
Intimacy has fled
Not getting details right
Mom doesn’t know day to day specifics after she moved out.
Caring
Seeking sympathy from mom because no one else will every care on that level on things that don’t matter.
Personal intimate conversations
React or respond wrong
Meta message turns compliments to criticism
Returning hurt for hurt
Focusing on your own emotional experience rather than your daughters
Deep down mother may be right.
Respond with anger out of proportion because mothers opinion weighs so heavy
Hurtful generalizations
Great expectations unfulfilled
Connection
Perceived obligations
Daughter mother emotional transfer and absorption
My problems become her problems
History of hurts
Seeking subtle revenge
Talk such a huge role
Understanding conversations is key
Understood and approved of
Caring and criticizing
Sounds like a compliment but implied something else
Why are you so sensitive?
Avoid topics that hurt raise barriers on important topics. Criticism of offspring.
Mothers bite their tongues and refrain advice
Role reversal when mothers age and don’t take safety advice.
The ironic
“You can’t make me...”
House critics
Cleaning
Decorating styles
Norms of peer group differ generational
Habitual indirectness
She doesn’t want your advice, she wants your blessing
Don’t give grown daughters advice
When is it best to keep silent or speak up
Women
Verbal
Behavior of young girls:
Exchange secrets to negotiate alliances
If you don’t like another girl you freeze them out
If you are friends you share stories and know what’s going on in each other’s life
Inclusion vs exclusion
Mother daughter relationship feelings of inclusion or being left out
Family
A fortress against a hostile world. Refuge and comfort
Daddy’s girl
Mommy’s boy
Favoritisms
Imperfect love
Culture attitudes towards women
Expectations a mother will always drop everything to be there
Mothers-always interruptible and always available
Assuming a mother will always be available
Taking her for granted
Indirectness seen as underhanded and manipulative
Men’s style more direct
Women’s style of sharing stories and dads not
Cherish closeness or seek distance adjustments at different stages
Girls
Emphasize sameness to bond and connect
Leap frogging generations
Reflecting the world she grew up in
Belittle or not sane values in tour realm of work because of generational differences
Leads to disappointment
Moms give Attention to appearance
**Minimize accomplishment to bring back down to sameness of each other
Deflation because of envy
Her inappropriateness and awkward reactions we lived in completely Different realms
The closer we are to a person the more likely we are to compare ourselves. Way to avoid is Minimize the difference is to minimize others accomplishments.
-deflate when you envy
-dismissive response
Physical connection-treasure or recoil
The power shift of withdrawal of self or grandchildren
Never acknowledged perspectives
Complementary schism o genesis
Trigger
Mothers are more likely to be judged and verbally scrutinized. They are less likely to react angrily as a man and therefore an easy target inside or outside of the home.
Mother on a pedestal
Long way to fall
Competitive mothering
The ultimate female olympics
Job you can’t be fired from
Life long
Always changing
Empty nest - demoted to part time and then emeritus status
Dark side of mothers
Romanticism or demonize
Fear of witches is fear of women’s power either as a mother or as a sexual desired women
Keep your distance or be devoured
Mutual monsters of the teen years
Love is for your growth and your pruning
Children are for their mother’s pruning
Becoming a mother is a hostage to fortune
Competitive rivals
Envy?
Mourn the loss of the mother you always wanted
How much connection is right?
Negligence or too intertwined
Parallel truth -if mothers don’t “see” their daughters, neither do daughter see their mothers.
People are not fixed in time.
We change and we remain the same.
Regard as fixed. Immutable
Will not let daughter change.
See as she use to be instead of now.
React differently
They respond differently
There in lies the power
Reframe
Reframing in she is caring for you
This book really spoke to my heart and to the psychological pain points I had with my own mother. It’s too late to remedy my relationship with my own mom as I mourn her recent passing and expectations unfulfilled. I think I can help stop perpetuating cycle with my own tochter. Learning more about meta-messages and Complementary schism o genesis was a revelation to me. And also looking at the how different personal relationships that a person can have depending on at what stage of life they meet you and point of view.
Another important facet of this book was looking at how mothers are more scrutinized, verbally judged and how women are treated differently by each other and societal standards.
Resentment when mothers focus on daughters appearance rather than what daughters feel is more important.
Big 3 criticism
1. HAIR
2. Clothes
3. Weight
4. Parenting
Hair-what others notice but bever express but mothers feel obligated and entitled to criticize hair.
Why hair??
Something so intimate about combing hair
An expression of how close we are
Full circle - combing old mothers long thin hair
Girls intimacy as friends playing with hair
Grooming among primates to reflect and reinforce alliances
Women are overwhelming judged by appearance
Value is judged by how she mothers
Widespread tendency to blame the mother
Motherhood criticism cuts deepest
Focus on what she does, not how she looks
Preoccupation with appearance makes her feel disappointed that she’s not focusing on characteristics she feels are more important.
————/———//————————
———-//————————————
Mother of all relationships
Deepest love and deepest anger and hate
Face to face with reflections of ourselves
Forces fundamental questions about ourselves
Understanding required
The others point of view
Daunting struggles for control
Cycles of misunderstandings
Minimize rapport of hurt
Complex
Uniquely intense
Source of great comfort and great pain
Rejection
Disapproval
Push and pull
Central Conundrum
Double meaning of connection and control
Closeness always carries with it the need to consider how your actions will affect the other person. Word or action interpretation
Bonds or bondage
Message-literal meaning
Meta message- implications of those words
How it’s said or the fact that it’s said at all.
Crying literal meaning
Meta message of caring
Intimacy has fled
Not getting details right
Mom doesn’t know day to day specifics after she moved out.
Caring
Seeking sympathy from mom because no one else will every care on that level on things that don’t matter.
Personal intimate conversations
React or respond wrong
Meta message turns compliments to criticism
Returning hurt for hurt
Focusing on your own emotional experience rather than your daughters
Deep down mother may be right.
Respond with anger out of proportion because mothers opinion weighs so heavy
Hurtful generalizations
Great expectations unfulfilled
Connection
Perceived obligations
Daughter mother emotional transfer and absorption
My problems become her problems
History of hurts
Seeking subtle revenge
Talk such a huge role
Understanding conversations is key
Understood and approved of
Caring and criticizing
Sounds like a compliment but implied something else
Why are you so sensitive?
Avoid topics that hurt raise barriers on important topics. Criticism of offspring.
Mothers bite their tongues and refrain advice
Role reversal when mothers age and don’t take safety advice.
The ironic
“You can’t make me...”
House critics
Cleaning
Decorating styles
Norms of peer group differ generational
Habitual indirectness
She doesn’t want your advice, she wants your blessing
Don’t give grown daughters advice
When is it best to keep silent or speak up
Women
Verbal
Behavior of young girls:
Exchange secrets to negotiate alliances
If you don’t like another girl you freeze them out
If you are friends you share stories and know what’s going on in each other’s life
Inclusion vs exclusion
Mother daughter relationship feelings of inclusion or being left out
Family
A fortress against a hostile world. Refuge and comfort
Daddy’s girl
Mommy’s boy
Favoritisms
Imperfect love
Culture attitudes towards women
Expectations a mother will always drop everything to be there
Mothers-always interruptible and always available
Assuming a mother will always be available
Taking her for granted
Indirectness seen as underhanded and manipulative
Men’s style more direct
Women’s style of sharing stories and dads not
Cherish closeness or seek distance adjustments at different stages
Girls
Emphasize sameness to bond and connect
Leap frogging generations
Reflecting the world she grew up in
Belittle or not sane values in tour realm of work because of generational differences
Leads to disappointment
Moms give Attention to appearance
**Minimize accomplishment to bring back down to sameness of each other
Deflation because of envy
Her inappropriateness and awkward reactions we lived in completely Different realms
The closer we are to a person the more likely we are to compare ourselves. Way to avoid is Minimize the difference is to minimize others accomplishments.
-deflate when you envy
-dismissive response
Physical connection-treasure or recoil
The power shift of withdrawal of self or grandchildren
Never acknowledged perspectives
Complementary schism o genesis
Trigger
Mothers are more likely to be judged and verbally scrutinized. They are less likely to react angrily as a man and therefore an easy target inside or outside of the home.
Mother on a pedestal
Long way to fall
Competitive mothering
The ultimate female olympics
Job you can’t be fired from
Life long
Always changing
Empty nest - demoted to part time and then emeritus status
Dark side of mothers
Romanticism or demonize
Fear of witches is fear of women’s power either as a mother or as a sexual desired women
Keep your distance or be devoured
Mutual monsters of the teen years
Love is for your growth and your pruning
Children are for their mother’s pruning
Becoming a mother is a hostage to fortune
Competitive rivals
Envy?
Mourn the loss of the mother you always wanted
How much connection is right?
Negligence or too intertwined
Parallel truth -if mothers don’t “see” their daughters, neither do daughter see their mothers.
People are not fixed in time.
We change and we remain the same.
Regard as fixed. Immutable
Will not let daughter change.
See as she use to be instead of now.
React differently
They respond differently
There in lies the power
Reframe
Reframing in she is caring for you
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 7, 2009
Mothers are viewed by their daughters through an intricate, specialized window. It's very easy for Mom's and daughters to misunderstand their daughters. In communication there is a message and a meta-message. Tone, sarcasm, body language all contribute to the meta-message. the message might be, "I don't care.", but there can be many meanings to this. Often it's best for Mom's to not say anything. The daughters are looking for encouragement. The tables pretty much reverse at some point.
I read the last chapter first, and I 'got' the whole book. I appreciated her repeated descriptions and elaborations when I read the entire book, so I was able to understand and appreciate her points and the last chapter better.
At the moment I can't express well what she had to say. As I read the book I thought that my daughters and I communicate well compared to how many mothers and daughters communicate. I was happy about that, and I think we'll get better with time.
I read the last chapter first, and I 'got' the whole book. I appreciated her repeated descriptions and elaborations when I read the entire book, so I was able to understand and appreciate her points and the last chapter better.
At the moment I can't express well what she had to say. As I read the book I thought that my daughters and I communicate well compared to how many mothers and daughters communicate. I was happy about that, and I think we'll get better with time.
December 5, 2015
No tenía ninguna expectativa de este libro, lo compré simplemente porque el título me pareció atractivo e hizo que me acordara a mi madre inmediatamente, sin embargo, me llevé una gran sorpresa, el análisis que hace del lenguaje entre madre e hija es bastante interesante, también ver las formas tan diferentes en que los hombres y mujeres manejan relaciones, de ahí la incomprensión de unos y otros constantemente, además y aunque supongo que no era el punto resuelve temas en los que se podría definir a la madre como una de las primeras castradoras sociales de la hija, y no lo hablo en el sentido de villana, más bien como la manera en que ella (la madre) ha percibido y se ha legitimado en el mundo, a través de sus hijos y de la realización de estos. Es bastante interesante el libro y lo deja a uno con muchas más inquietudes por resolver.
December 5, 2008
Excellent opportunity to make sense of the complicated relationships that you are in--that whole 'can't see the forest for the trees' dilemma. As one of three sisters, it's always interesting to me that my sisters and I have such different relationships with the same mother...and to see how she has a different relationship with her own mother (as compared to her sisters). Now with a daughter of my own, I'll try to remember some of Tannen's talking points--keeping us seeing each other for who we are, and not the reflections of what we'd like the other to be.
September 11, 2007
This was kind of a fun book, but a lot of what she (the author) says is obvious. There ARE a few things that make you kind of think, "oh.. that makes sense" and so on, but overall nothing too groundbreaking.
July 18, 2009
Why do moms and daughters hurt each other with words? Read this and understand the relationship you share better - how to say what you mean and understand each other. A joyful but honest look into a very complicated relationship.
February 28, 2009
The title captures the misunderstandings that can cause conflict between mothers and daughters. Dr. Tannen collects the most amazing exchanges and seeks healing for all. Communication and relationships remain challenges.
March 22, 2009
A pretty good review of how mothers and daughters communicate. (Only the title is pointed via Mother TO daughter and my daughter was much more likely to say that to me than I was to her!). I did enjoy the read.
October 6, 2019
استمتعت طوال فترة استماعي لهذا الكتاب، الكتاب جميل كما لو كان تحليلا علميا للعلاقة بين الأمهات وبناتهن.
يحتوي على شرح وافي لكيفية تدهور العلاقات بدون قصد، وكيف يساء الفهم، ويقدم في النهاية طرق لإزاله اللبس والإبقاء على العلاقة جيدة وربما أفضل من ذي قبل❤👌
يحتوي على شرح وافي لكيفية تدهور العلاقات بدون قصد، وكيف يساء الفهم، ويقدم في النهاية طرق لإزاله اللبس والإبقاء على العلاقة جيدة وربما أفضل من ذي قبل❤👌
August 2, 2015
love her books. Must-read for mothers of teenage girls or for mothers and daughters of any age!
May 26, 2016
تبريرات ومواقف مرت وتمر بينا بشكل متكرر مع امهاتنا
...............
تعليلات مفيده ولكن الحلول لم تكن واضحة ،، يحتاج الامر الى التكرار والتروي لإمتلاك الخبرة في تعاملاتنا
...............
تعليلات مفيده ولكن الحلول لم تكن واضحة ،، يحتاج الامر الى التكرار والتروي لإمتلاك الخبرة في تعاملاتنا
October 3, 2017
could summarize the whole book in 20 pages.
the main idea is quite good, sequence and dividing chapters did not have any meaning to me.
the main idea is quite good, sequence and dividing chapters did not have any meaning to me.
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