Why We Can't Sleep: Women's New Midlife Crisis

by Ada Calhoun

When Ada Calhoun found herself in the throes of a midlife crisis, she thought that she had no right to complain. She was married with children and a good career. So why did she feel miserable? And why did it seem that other Generation X women were miserable, too?

Calhoun decided to find some answers. She looked into housing costs, HR trends, credit card debt averages, and divorce data. At every turn, she saw a pattern: sandwiched between the Boomers and the Millennials, Gen X women were facing new problems as they entered middle age, problems that were being largely overlooked.

Speaking with women across America about their experiences as the generation raised to “have it all,” Calhoun found that most were exhausted, terrified about money, under-employed, and overwhelmed. Instead of being heard, they were told instead to lean in, take “me-time,” or make a chore chart to get their lives and homes in order.

In Why We Can’t Sleep, Calhoun opens up the cultural and political contexts of Gen X’s predicament and offers solutions for how to pull oneself out of the abyss—and keep the next generation of women from falling in. The result is reassuring, empowering, and essential reading for all middle-aged women, and anyone who hopes to understand them.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Self Help, Psychology, Health, Womens, Audiobook

267 pages, Hardcover

First published January 7, 2020

About the author

Ada Calhoun is the author of the novel Crush. Her memoir Also a Poet was named one of the best books of 2022 by the New York Times, NPR, and The Washington Post. Prior books include New York Times–bestseller Why We Can't Sleep, Wedding Toasts I'll Never Give, and St. Marks Is Dead.

Reviews

[Jenna ❤ ❀ ❤ · Rating 1 out of 5]

Where do I even begin with this rubbish?

Reading the introduction to this book, I was amazed that what the author was saying about Gen X women in their middle age is so close to things my partner and I talk about.  Wow, I thought, it's not just us. These are generational things!

But then I got through the introduction and this quickly devolved into a big old pity party for straight, white, cisgender, upper middle class women. 

The moaning! Oh my god! You'd think the author was in the middle of having a baby and simultaneously having her right arm cut off and her teeth yanked out.

She went on and on and on about how women like her suffer more than any other generation of women before or after.

And the reasons they suffer! One woman bemoaned the fact that she "only" had a million dollars in retirement savings! 

Get the fuck outta here. Really? Do you know how many people have not even $2 to their name? We're going to give this self-obsessed woman space to feel sorry for herself?

Yes, there are certainly things that are difficult for middle age women. I don't discount that. And it's nice to know one isn't alone in how one feels or what one worries about.

But an entire book steeped in group self-pity??

This is disgusting.

The author claims she interviewed "single and partnered, mothers and childless, black and white and Asian and Latina, gay and straight...." etc. So why does she almost solely give a voice to straight cisgender upper middle class white women and leave the rest of us out? Why even bother interviewing all those other women if you don't think their specific issues - that are different than yours - are worthy of attention?

And then!

And then and then and then.....  

The author incessantly goes on about motherhood and makes women out to be little more than baby-making machines. No matter the chapter or the topic at hand, it always goes back to women-as-baby-makers.

Poor GenXers. Even if they were able to snag a man and have a career, they ended up having their babies later and now they're taking care of parents and kids at the same time (even though I think most of our parents are only in their mid-60s to early-70s, not 90 year old invalids in wheelchairs).

And the women who didn't get lucky enough to pop a baby out their vaginas?  These poor, poor women are just distraught, crying in the very Cheerios they will never get to feed a child.

Or maybe they only had 1.8 children but women really want 2.8 and it's just terrible how they are now stuck with either 1.8 children or face the uncertainty of having another child in middle age.

According to the author, there are 3 reasons women don't have children:

1. They don't have a man
2. They are working on their career
3. They want to have all their time for themselves

Um.... hello? I think there are many more.

What about some women feel it's unethical to have a baby when the world is overpopulated with humans and climate change is going to make these kids' lives miserable in a few years?

Or what about... I don't know..... the fact that some women just don't want a fucking baby?

I can assure you, I am not sitting here at the age of 44, feeling sorry for myself that I never popped a baby out from between my legs. Why? For those two reasons the author apparently never thought of. 

It disgusts me that a modern woman acts like our whole purpose in life is to have babies.

Here's an example:

Though lesbians are mostly absent from these pages, we do hear one story about Jo. Jo became pregnant at the age of 39. She tragically miscarried and because her partner didn't want to try again and risk that kind of pain a second time, Jo left her. 

Then she started dating another woman and dumped her when she said she didn't want children.

Finally she met another woman who also wanted kids. They got married, had a baby, and the author said "hers was the only success story" out of all the childless women she'd interviewed. 

Again, come the fuck on!!! 

It's not a success for the women who don't want babies to happily go about their lives without fucking having one??

I suppose the only thing that would have made this woman's success story even more of a success is if she'd left the third woman and gotten herself a man.

At the end of the chapter, Ms. Calhoun does tack on a tiny paragraph that "There are plenty of happy endings, too, that don’t involve children or weddings." 

Well, thank you for that. Or maybe not.

In this paragraph she mentions one woman whose "happy ending" means that though she's still looking for a man, she's improved her dating life and is having fun. Not: I'm happy being single and childless. Not: some women prefer to be either single or childless. But: Well, I'm still looking for a man!

The author then assures us it's OK to feel sad in middle age because "It’s the natural mourning period for our fertility".

The natural fucking mourning period for our fertility.

Yep, that's what she said.

I guess we just shrivel up and wait for death once we've expended all our eggs. Nothing more to do, nothing more to live for.

I stopped reading at 63% -- don't ask me how I got that far -- when the author suggests that eating a lot of soy might lessen hot flashes and other perimenopause symptoms. 

Soy. Plant estrogen. Apparently she's never heard that plants are different than humans and plant estrogen is not magically converted into human estrogen when we eat it. 

I'm vegan and I eat a hell of a lot of soy and it doesn't stop me from having severe night sweats where I have to keep changing towels every 15-30 minutes because I soak through them that fast.

I have zero patience for pseudoscience bullshit. I should have known at 11% through when she claimed that autism rates have surged since the year 2000. Um, how about the numbers have risen due to increased awareness and testing? Never thought of that? 

Apparently not and it's just another reason why we GenX women suffer more than any others. 

Such self-absorption! Such a lack of awareness for the suffering of others in much worse situations. Talk about a privileged white woman. I am truly disgusted reading this book.

Sure, it's nice for women to know they aren't alone in having specific concerns and stresses, and the author does write well. It might be utter BS but it's written well. That's about the only positive I can find.

I venture to say that the majority of issues discussed in this book are similar to issues ALL women have in middle age. We aren't special just because we were born between 1965 and 1980. Sure, there are specifics (to each generation), but an entire book of how my hot flashes are the worst, and I didn't get a man, and I only had 1.8 children instead of 2.8.....

P.S. We aren't fucking baby-making machines and some of us don't want children and how about being thankful you made it to middle age instead of dying from some horrible disease or in a car crash at the age of 16. Or killed at the age of 26 for the crime of Sleeping While Black. #BreonnaTaylor

[Anne Bogel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel like I’m a bit young to be reading about women having midlife crises, but I took a chance on it, primarily because I trusted my friend who recommended it, who happens to be several years younger than me.

I found this book completely fascinating and far too relatable. In separate chapters, Calhoun examines many of these issues individually, like finding work, caregiving, job instability, money panic, choosing a single life, or a childless life, or not choosing to be single and childless yet finding that's your reality, and then divorce, perimenopause, the comparison trap—if you're getting the picture, you can see it's not easy stuff.

It was a lot of information, and a lot of it was pretty depressing, but it was also engrossing, and unexpectedly reassuring. I laughed the laugh of recognition when Calhoun writes, "Oddly, knowing that I have every reason in the world to be freaking out has made me much more relaxed."

[Elyse Walters · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sleepy?
Can’t sleep?
Wonder about others sleeping habits?

The author primarily focuses on Generation X women....
but....if you find yourself awake in the middle of the night ....you won’t feel alone after reading ‘this’ book!

Ha... I read this during the middle of the night.

Ada Calhoun did her research!!!
She interviewed thousands of women around the country.
We get insights about what concerns Generation X women......
single women - divorce women - women with or without children - women working three jobs - women who had gotten a good education- and women who stayed in shape.
These women woke in the middle of the night wondering about alternate life choices they might have made in their lives - or had fears about aging - money - etc...
They have been hit hard financially and dismissed culturally. They have lots of debt. They’re squeezed on both sides by children and aging parents. The grim state of adulthood is hitting them hard. Many are exhausted and bewildered.

Generation X women were the first women raised from birth hearing the cliché
‘having it all’— they thought they could have careers and a rich home life. They were an experiment in crafting a higher achieving, more fulfilling, and more well rounded version of the American women. By midlife, many found that the experiment was largely failing.

The boomer generation said they were the first to hear “they could have it all”.... but it wasn’t until Gen X arrived that it was a main stream expectation.

Millennials claim they’re supposed to ‘have it all’ , too.
They have crushing student loan debts.
They are experiencing social and economic inequality, poisonous political polarization, and a rapidly changing world.

“More opportunity has not necessarily lead to greater happiness or satisfaction”.

One in four middle-aged American women is on antidepressants. Nearly 60% of those born between 1965 and 1979 described themselves as stressed.

I felt sad for many Gen X women. Yet, I felt I understood their struggles and concerns. I lived through many of the same issues when younger, too.

Many Generation X women had confusing feelings that they were embarrassed to talk about.
Generation X women reported being unhappy, depressed or exhausted.
They felt they needed to apologize for ‘whining’.
Intellectually they understood that they were ‘lucky’.
The women were fighting with how they really felt - vs. what they felt they should feel. It’s a hard place to be stuck in.

On an up note .... the cycles of life shine through. Many of the concerns for women in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, even 50’s....magically begin to clear up. Things get better. Inner peace is around the corner. Older - post menopausal women may have more wrinkles- but a calmness experience hits them in ways they were not able to experience as easily when they were young - ambitious- driven- with grand desires.

I related with the authors findings about women in their 60s, 70s, 80s, or 90s.
“Middle-aged women have perspective enough to see what’s important and what isn’t”. Agree!

Just the other day an interesting article came out about how reading at night helped people fall to sleep.
I posted the article on Facebook ( fitting with reading this book)....
I got funny responses from my middle aged female friends - saying ...things like “not me”.....
they kept ‘on’ reading ‘through’ the night...
nothing depressing about it.

Kudos to Ada Calhoun for her extensive research exploring this topic.
I found it heartwarming to connect with women
around the world who shared authentically.

Thank you Grove Atlantic, Netgalley, and Ada Calhoun

[Alicia Bayer · Rating 1 out of 5]

I've finally finished this book, which is basically a pity dump for upper middle-class 40-something, privileged white women. Wow, what a lot of navel gazing and self absorption.

The author finished writing this book as she turned 42, which I don't even consider midlife (I guess I'm an optimist but I'm aiming higher than 84). I have a vivid memory of when I was 42. This memory rarely leaves me. I was sitting in an empty lobby in a children's hospital with my 6 month-old baby in my arms. Two janitors went by pushing garbage cans. Over the loudspeaker, a woman said that business hours were over and recited a prayer that echoed through the emptied space. Through two double doors, surgeons were performing emergency surgery on my 13 year-old oldest child's jawline where sepsis had set in following surgery two weeks earlier. Techs had been unable to find her veins for hours to get painkillers into her to try to control her incredible pain, and she'd spent a feverish night in our tiny hometown hospital the night before where morphine didn't make a dent in her pain and a nurse angrily told her "crying like that isn't going to make it any better." We'd rushed her to her oncologist an hour and a half away in the morning, who had recommended emergency surgery. Only days before, we'd found out that the large lump that the doctors had dismissed as a cyst was cancer, but it wasn't even the most dangerous medical reality because infection was spreading into her bloodstream and it could quickly turn fatal. I had called my best friend in Nebraska the night before and said that I didn't even know how to feel when the fact that my child had cancer was not even the scariest thing we were dealing with. The worry during those days was such an intense, visceral pain that it made it hard to breathe, much less sleep. She beat the cancer and the sepsis but the years that followed led to even more medical emergencies and more surgeries. At only 21 now, our oldest child has had three surgeries above the neck for three separate medical issues, which doesn't even make a dent in the dozen other medical crises that have arisen.

That keeps me awake at night.

Worrying about whether my kids will even have a livable planet when they are my age keeps me up at night. Seriously, the odds are against our children making it to middle age, according to an awful lot of scientists. I was a little baffled by Calhoun's apparent complete lack of worry for her child or for younger generations.

The deaths of an endless stream of good friends and family members keeps me up at night. I've lost my mother, father, aunts, grandparents and every relative but a distant mean aunt and a very nice cousin and his kids who live far away. Friend after friend has died, yet another last week in a pretty gobsmackingly tragic way (and my poor 21 year old was there when it happened).

Grief keeps me up at night. Deep, profound worry about my kids keeps me up at night. To be honest, the election of Donald Trump and all that he did to vulnerable people caused me a fair number of sleepless nights. And yeah, hot flashes do a bit of that too. But mostly deep and profound worry about others keeps me up at night.

But despite all that, I am a pretty happy and content person. I really like my life. It would be great if loved ones would stop dying and terrible things didn't keep me up at night with worry, but it's not about me. Good grief. It's other people that keep me from sleeping at 3 a.m., not the stuff in this book.

Some of Calhoun's points are valid in terms of caring for elderly parents and regrets, but for the most part she is so incredibly entitled and self absorbed that I hate-read this book.

I know how lucky I am. Women my age are terrified of being deported or of losing their children, are caring for kids with terminal illnesses, are buried in debt and facing homelessness, and living with diseases that fill their lives with pain and challenges...

This book highlights how incredibly lucky many modern (American, white, middle class) women are, not unlucky. The irony is that only those on the outside will ever see that.

I read a digital ARC of this book for the purpose of review.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book rang so true for me that it was like poking a raw nerve.

Ada Calhoun interviewed dozens of Gen X* women while doing research for "Why We Can't Sleep," and I could relate to so many of their stories and experiences. Intense anxiety about money and careers. Feeling neglected as a child because both parents were always working. The pressures and expectations of "having it all." Being a perfectionist and holding yourself up to impossible standards while at the same time feeling like a failure. Obsessing over communications and media. And, of course, suffering from horrible insomnia due to all of the above colliding in middle age.**

I know it's always a risk to make statements about an entire generation of people, but HOLY SHIT, THIS BOOK EXPLAINED MY WHOLE LIFE.

I cannot remember the last time a book punched me in the gut this fucking hard. I listened to it on audio, and I had to keep stopping and rewinding and listening to entire sections again because it was so meaningful to me. This is a book I definitely plan on rereading.

Highly recommended for my fellow Gen Xers.

Notes
*The Pew Research Center identifies Gen X birth years as 1965 to 1980.

**It's worth noting that this book was published in January 2020, which was before the covid-19 pandemic took hold in America. I'm sure anxiety and sleeplessness has only increased for all of the women interviewed.

Meaningful Quotes
[from the Dedication]
"For the middle-aged women of America. You're not imagining it, and it's not just you."

"We thought we could have both thriving careers and rich home lives and make more and achieve more than our parents, but most of us have gained little if any advantage ... Societal, historical, and economic trends have conspired to make many women's passage into middle age a crucible of anxieties -- and to make us envy one another rather than realize we are all in the same leaky boat."

"Almost every story I've heard of a Gen X woman pulling herself out of a midlife crisis has involved, in one way or another, the letting go of expectations. That's been the most important part of my own reckoning: When I start criticizing myself for not having saved enough money or for not having written enough of value or for my son's bad handwriting, or for not working out or for any other failures small and large, I try to put my finger on the expectation that any of these things would be different. I also try to remind myself that if I were in better shape or my son did calligraphy or I had $30,000 in an emergency fund as I'm supposed to, life would not necessarily be any better. Even padded with achievement or glamour or cash, midlife is very likely going to be challenging. Even if you don't subscribe to the belief in a crisis point, you cannot deny the onset of new physical limitations and stressors."

"Therefore, if the first piece of a solution is getting support and the second is reframing the way we see our life to remove unrealistic expectations, the third might be... waiting. One day, midlife will end. Kids will grow up; relationships will evolve. Women in their fifties and sixties tell me that after menopause they felt so much better -- less nervous, more confident, no longer afraid of looking stupid."

[Bkwmlee · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

Self-help books have always been a bit of a “hit and miss” for me, which is why I’m very selective when it comes to choosing books from this genre to read. Of course, first and foremost, the subject matter needs to be interesting and also relevant to my current situation – on this count, Ada Calhoun’s newest book Why We Can’t Sleep did deliver, however in some ways, it also fell a bit short of expectations for me.

As a member of Generation X (like the author herself), it’s refreshing to read a book that was able to articulate so much of what I have experienced and felt for most of my life up to this point. Many of the insights that Calhoun presented were spot-on, to the point that I found myself nodding my head a lot in understanding and agreement. In addition to being extremely well-researched, with the material laid out in a format that was organized and easy to read, one of the things I appreciated most about this book was the author’s approach to the subject matter – through interviews with hundreds of women, most of them from Generation X, all of whom candidly shared their stories about their struggles and challenges, Calhoun was able to establish a sense of resonance with readers that other books on the same subject mostly lacked.

On a personal level, I’m the type of reader who tends to shy away from books that I consider to be too “scientific” in nature, especially ones that are overloaded with a lot of facts, figures, statistics, etc., as I usually find these books boring and as a result, I lose focus really quickly. This book was different in that Calhoun didn’t just regurgitate a bunch of facts and results from studies to support them – rather, she incorporated her own personal experiences as well as those of many other women from different walks of life to create a more anecdotal read, which I feel worked well. With that said though, I think one of the things this book lacked was, ironically, the “self-help” portion, in that it didn’t really present solutions on how to overcome the challenges that Generation X often faced overall. Yes, Calhoun does talk about what worked for her, and with a few of the other women interviewed, she also covered how they ended up improving their particular situations, but a lot of it was very specific to them and their lives. Basically, this book was insightful in terms of explaining the “why” portion, but it didn’t really go into the “what to do about how we’re feeling” portion, at least not in a way that was helpful in my circumstances.

Overall, I feel that this book is definitely worth a read, but I think how much readers would be able to relate to it depends on their personal situations (which I believe is why the reviews for this book are all over the place). I certainly got some things out of it (mostly knowledge in that I found out some stuff I didn’t know before), but as I said earlier, I also found quite a few things lacking. I would still recommend this book, but with a warning not to go into it with too many pre-established expectations – if it works for you, then great, but if it doesn’t, that should be fine too.

[Cari · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky to receive an early copy of this book from Edelweiss. I have read a lot of books about women in today's society, but never one that examined the problem from a generational lens. I did my master's research paper on generations in the workplace, specifically the library, and it was really interesting to get a new perspective on it. Calhoun is a member of Generation X, and so the book focuses mostly on that generation, but there is plenty of context from the other generations as well. It was a really eye-opening way to look at the multiple disconnects in American middle-class society, and the takeaway is also that Generation X is stronger than they think. Having dealt with a lot of crap in their young lives, hitting the workforce at the time of some major recessions, and now being in debt and squeezed between young kids and aging parents - and yet they keep pressing on, working hard, showing the world that they have something to offer. I myself am an early Millennial, one year away from being Gen X - sometimes we're known as the "Oregon Trail Generation" because we were the last kids to grow up without the Internet, but we did have computers, and we had Oregon Trail. So I learned some things about growing up in the 70s, while also relating to the world of the 80s, which I vaguely remember from my young childhood. Although there aren't easy answers to the conundrums here, the book sheds light on them and offers perspective. Although Calhoun does talk about her life (my favorite anecdote was about "British Club") it's less a memoir than some of the other books on this topic - more of thorough, researched journalism, which is refreshing. I do love a good memoir and an author's perspective, but it was nice to see a different approach.

[Ruth · Rating 2 out of 5]

Parts of it made me angry. It is all about how Gen X women have it worse than women of any other generation, which is of course BS. If she had just focused on our challenges and not tried to make it a who had worst contest, it would have been great book. The challenges and differences were on point, but when she says - "and that's why ours is worse", I wanted to throw the book across the room.
Also, it was very white hetero upper middle class centric, and the lack of understanding of diverse views really irritated me. in fact, don't bother to read it. It's flaws really outweighed its plusses.

[PSG Lopes · Rating 5 out of 5]

***I cannot believe I was blessed to read this AMAZING book before it was formally released. I was invited to read this book through #NetGalley. ***

Ada Calhoun’s Why We Can’t Sleep has become my bible, my battle cry, my feminist go-to book for women my age. I got so much out of reading this book. The very second I picked up this book I literally absorbed each and every word and got angrier (in the best possible way), more passionate, and more dedicated to my own goals and missions.

I legitimately thought I was all alone. I was relieved and felt vindicated in reading this book. I enjoyed reading how the author interviewed many women of our generation and I liked how not every woman had their lives all mapped out. The book was immensely relatable and any woman who grew up in the 1980s will understand all of the references, will understand about the laissez-faire manner in which we were raised by our parents and handled by teachers and administration. We inherited a lot of negative things that we had no idea would reverberate for so many years to come.

I, too, grew up believing that I was entitled to the American Dream. I, too, wanted to “have it all” but nearing 40, I have nothing. This was not from lack of trying. We were lied to as kids. We were raised, brainwashed, really, into thinking that every single person would grow up to be successful and to believe that we would all be married by 30, have two point five kids, live in a big house in an affluent area, and have a slew of cats and dogs. I have none of those. I never got married, I only recently decided to take the leap and finally pursue my dream even though I am so, so poor and often regret my decision. I have no kids, no desire to have them, and spent too many years trying to please others and trying to fit into some mold that other people tried shoving me in. I’ve only recently grown the huevos to finally say enough is enough and to fight for what I want in life.

This book is a testament to women of our generation to keep fighting for what we want in life. Happiness really is relative and we have to fight for what happiness feels like by our own definition, not by what society claims will make us happy. I liked how Ms. Calhoun discusses the repercussions of feminism. I like exploring the idea of what the first wave of feminists had envisioned and what feminism looks like now. I feel that because of this movement, women who do not have the personality or disposition to hold a traditional full-time job that is demanding and lucrative is seen as weak, lazy, or unambitious. I like exploring the concept that feminism has many layers and that having that job does not make you more of a woman, and not having that job, does not make you less of one.

My dissertation was about the recession implications of employment challenges faced by single, educated, childless women in the United States. I wrote this at a time where I could not get enough people to participate in my study. I feel that my topic was way ahead of its time but feel I’d make more progress with this topic now. Women are braver now, more confident, and are paving their own futures regardless of perceived societal norms. More women are opting to marry later, if at all, and are opting to have children later, or not at all. I feel that I spent my whole life taking care of other people. At this phase in my life, I’m choosing to be selfish and to take care of myself for once and that doesn’t involve getting married or having children. I’m at peace with my decision. Yes, I worry about my future. Yes, I worry about not having a pension, 401k, decent health insurance, a man to grow old with to help me financially, etc. I worry about those things every day. But this book allowed me to feel how I feel without judgment, without fear, and with relief that others feel and think similarly to how I feel. I am so privileged to be able to have read this book early. What an amazing read and worth reading if you are a Generation X, middle-aged woman, who is still trying to figure out why the hell we can’t sleep!

[Kathleen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Generation Xers represent people born largely between 1965 and 1980 and represent a smaller generation than either the Baby Boomers that preceded them or the Millennials that followed. Calhoun interviewed a number of women in this age-group and cites a plethora of statistics that show that this is an anxious group of women. On one hand, they have more job opportunities than their mothers, but only up to a point. They have more student loan debt, credit card debt, and child care costs. Juggling work, marriage and children does not leave much time for themselves. Recommend.

[Emily Banks · Rating 2 out of 5]

Rounding down. I nodded my head a lot and related to so much but it didn’t go beyond that. It’s a list of “here’s why we’re anxious and depressed” which, shockingly, only served to make me feel more anxious and depressed.

[Angela · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Boomers deserve full credit for blazing trails while facing unchecked sexism and macroaggressions and for trying to raise children while giving up their own dreams. But Gen Xers entered life with "having it all" not as a bright new option but as a mandatory social condition."

Confession: being born in 1981, this classifies me as a (very old) Millennial and not a Gen Xer. But I figure I had a crush on Zach Morris as a kid, so, you know, I'm close enough to Calhoun's target demographic to warrant reading this book and subsequently writing this review.

The good: this book was well researched. Calhoun gives facts, figures, and stats that she pulled from a variety of studies, and she has the citations to prove it. She also interviewed a large smattering of different Gen X ladies to gain their insights for this book. "They are single and partnered, mothers and childless, black and white and Asian and Latina, gay and straight, liberal and conservative, evangelical and atheist, and they hail from nearly every state, including Alaska... They live in the country, the city, and the suburbs. They work, don't work, did work, will work, and have careers that include photographer, priest, tech executive, lawyer, doctor, teacher, and telephone company manager. They range in dress size from 0 to 28+. Some are having an okay time of middle age; many are struggling in one way or another." Additionally, I appreciated how this book was organized into different sections - from caregiving to job instability to money to being single and childless to post-divorce. This way, it was easier for me to skim through the sections that were less relevant to my life (raising kiddos... yawn) and focus more on the ME sections. I mean, I am a selfish Millennial, after all.

The not so good: although well researched, I wouldn't say I necessarily learned anything new nor earth shattering from reading this book. Gen Xer ladies grew up hearing they could have it all... and this book shows that being told you're supposed to be kick-a$$ at everything leads to ladies feeling like they're failing at something. "Our lives can begin to feel like the latter seconds of a game of Tetris, where the descending pieces pile up faster and faster." Also, although there was a lot of information on Why We Can't Sleep... but not so much information on What To Do To Help Us Sleep. Calhoun does share a few tidbits in the final chapter of what's helped her, but they're very tailored specifically to her life and her situation. Additionally, and this is on me, I'm just not the biggest fan of self help books (which this book kinda-sorta is). Although it wasn't particularly long at less than 300 pages, it felt like the same information was repeated over and over - which is a trait I find in a lot of self help books. Lastly, I found this book to be rather depressing. Regardless of if the Gen X ladies interviewed for this book were mothers, childless, married, single, gay, straight, the breadwinners, or jobless, they were all stressed out and unhappy on some level. "Things are so much better than they were decades ago, but they can be bad and better at the same time."

Thanks to NetGally for an ARC of Why We Can't Sleep in exchange for my honest review.

[Mehrsa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved Calhoun's book about wedding toasts. This one felt forced to me. I could not relate more to a book--I am gen x also struggling with sleep. But I am not sure the answers in here are right--or at least new. There's a lot in here about structural issues like fair pay and second shift stuff and a lot of personal stories. She points out that wine drinking has become this generation's self-help philosophy. This seems true, but I'm not sure it's unique to this generation. I appreciate her articulating how the midlife crisis in women presents differently than in men--mostly because we have too many people to look after to leave the family and buy a sports car. I would have liked to see that explored more with some psychiatric professionals and studies, but as she notes, it just hasn't been studied as much. She brings up peri-menopause for a second and then just leaves it. I think we probably need more medical work on what is happening hormonally to women of a certain age (which is younger than women of that certain other age).

[Emily K. · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is a dud. I can't help but feel like it would benefit from more historical, political, and economic context. Her "research" is largely anecdotal, from a sample population of ~200 women. It makes arguments like Gen X's experience of the challenger explosion contributes to them being helicopter parents, millenials are happier because they had Elmo. It wants to argue that the specificity of middle class Gen X misery is somehow more unique than the misery of anyone else in the year of our lord 2020, which makes it come off more like time trials for the oppression Olympics and less like the Slow Cancellation of the Future. Its protagonist is the women who has done everything right but gets none of the reward, whatever that is. Millennial cynicism is its own breed, we know nothing matters but we're still trying, miserable but trying.

[Sofie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Er zijn twee problemen met dit boek.

1. Het maakt mij opstandig. Woedend zelfs. Het maakt me nog feministischer dan ik al was, en ik was al behoorlijk overtuigd.
2. Alleen vrouwen gaan het lezen, want het gaat over vrouwen, en er zijn twee soorten boeken op de wereld: mensenboeken en vrouwenboeken.

Ik liep rond met het idee om een blogpost te schrijven over alle manieren waarop ik de afgelopen jaren slaap ben verloren en hoe ik ook op te weinig slaap toch min of meer ben blijven functioneren al die tijd. (Correctie: hoe ik AL die tijd UITSTEKEND ben blijven functioneren.) En toen kwam plots dit boek op mijn radar. Dat moest ik dan natuurlijk wel even lezen.

Strikt genomen ben ik te jong om tot Generation X te behoren en voor een midlife crisis is het nog te vroeg. Ook heb ik voorlopig gelukkig nog geen (peri)menopauze om me zorgen over te maken, al vind ik het wel goed om te weten wat me nog te wachten staat over een paar jaar. Maar ik voel me ook te oud om een millennial te zijn en veel van wat Ada Calhoun in haar boek schrijft, is wel ontzettend herkenbaar voor een vrouw die ergens tussen Generation X en Y in zweeft: sandwichen tussen zorg voor kinderen en ouders, check, te moe zijn om te werken door zwangerschap, PMS, maandstonden, maar dat verbergen, omdat we nog niet geëmancipeerd genoeg zijn om toe te geven dat vrouwen dit ritme niet kunnen volgen, check, de ene dag ontzettend opgelucht en bevrijd zijn door je scheiding, en de volgende dag verstikt worden door angst voor de toekomst, check.

Niet slapen, en toch gaan werken, blijven opstaan en doorgaan, en als je dan toch even gas terug moet nemen, omdat het even echt allemaal te veel is, je in duizend bochten wringen om daar een fysieke oorzaak op te kleven, omdat je niet de indruk wil wekken dat je niet stressbestendig bent.

Ik? Niet stressbestendig? Give me a break!

We blijven maar doorwerken aan een rotvaart, onder een steeds stijgende tijdsdruk, en intussen blijven we ook nog gewoon glimlachen en niet toegeven dat het misschien allemaal niet zo haalbaar is als we graag doen uitschijnen. En we slikken nog wat antidepressiva of slaan een paar glazen rode wijn achterover, en rennen verder mee in een wereld die op maat van mannen gesneden is, waarin van vrouwen verwacht wordt dat ze kinderen opvoeden alsof ze geen jobs hebben en werken alsof ze thuis een vrouw hebben die voor hun kinderen zorgt.

I want an American Wife, citeert Ada Calhoun ergens in het boek. Ik wil een vrouw die voor mijn kinderen zorgt, terwijl ik ga werken. Ik wil iemand die achter me opruimt en poetst en alles regelt wat geregeld moet worden. Ik doe het allemaal. En het is veel. Het is echt veel. Ik maak lijstjes en begin dan een bullet journal om die lijstjes niet te verliezen. Ik luister naar podcasts van vrouwen die andere vrouwen willen helpen om het allemaal beter de baas te kunnen. (Supergoeie podcast trouwens.) Maar het zijn allemaal lapmiddeltjes voor een ernstige systeemfout.

Ik ben 35 en voel me soms 53. Ik ben moe. En ik doe mijn best om gewoon gelukkig te zijn, om gewoon blij te zijn met wat ik wel heb. Maar dit ritme is niet vol te houden. Het is ploeteren en spartelen om boven te blijven. Alleen, als ik dat uitspreek, zullen mensen me een ‘zagewijf’ vinden en zeggen dat ik het maar niet allemaal moet willen. Het is niet eens een kwestie van het allemaal te willen. Het enige wat ik wil, is: een beetje tijd, een beetje zelfontplooiing en genoeg geld om drie monden van te voeden. Zoveel is dat niet, vind ik. Maar om dat beetje geld te verdienen om drie monden van te voeden, moet ik wel acht uur per dag betaalde arbeid doen, en daarnaast nog minstens drie uur per dag onbetaalde arbeid (huishouden en zorg), en zoveel tijd voor zelfontplooiing blijft er dan helaas ook niet meer over. In de ideale wereld zou ik mijn zelfontplooiing in mijn werk vinden, maar de wereld is niet ideaal, en ik heb vooralsnog nog niemand bereid gevonden om mij te betalen voor mijn sterkste competenties, namelijk mijn empathie en mijn inzicht in hoe de wereld vierkant draait.

Ik ben kwaad. Ik ben woedend. Ik vind dat het tijd is voor een vrouwenstaking, een echte. Het is godverdomme tijd om in opstand te komen.

Een prachtige metafoor in het boek is deze: als je aan een vrouw vraagt of ze liever kip of vis eet, maar de kip ligt op een berg en het regent, en de vis ligt vlak voor haar neus in een tent, kan je dat dan beschouwen als een keuze? En mag je dan echt zeggen dat vrouwen liever vis dan kip eten, omdat ze biologisch gezien gemaakt zijn om liever vis te eten?

We hebben keuzes, ja, but then again, we don’t.

Stel je eens een wereld voor waarin vrouwen niet voortdurend het gevoel hebben dat ze ‘niet genoeg’ zijn. Stel je eens een wereld voor waarin vrouwen over hun eigen grenzen waken, collectief. Stel je eens een wereld voor waarin vrouwen zich niet voortdurend schuldig voelen.

De motor van de economie is het schuldgevoel van vrouwen.

[Christine PNW · Rating 2 out of 5]

I both read and did not read this book - I saw it on my feed, checked it out of the library, read the first several chapters, skimmed it a bit, and then read the end.

I think where this book fails is in it's focus on the single demographic of Gen X women, when many of the issues explored by the author are just endemic to womanhood in general. It's also extremely reliant on anecdote, which is fine, but which means that it isn't a particularly reliable basis for things like policy changes.

What did I like about the book? Well, I'm old Gen X (I was born in February, 1966, which pretty much makes as old as it is possible to be and still be a Gen X) and I very much concur with her thesis that Gen X was the first generation of women that entered adulthood with a belief that the world had changed and that equality between men and women was just around the corner. Young women - like I was - would consistently have options that were broader than "wife" and "mother."

And I do agree that we didn't really stop to think that all that meant was that we would be doing two jobs, because no one reminded us that those other jobs - "wife" and "mother" would go unfilled unless we just did them, too.

So, that's good and it's true. But it is not true that the lives of Gen X women are more difficult or stressful than the lives of the women who came before us, or who will come after. In fact, there is a case to be made that we actually have it pretty good, even though we are stressed out and unhappy. You know who else is stressed out and unhappy?

Everyone. Life is stressful. Life is hard. But for crying out loud, it's not harder and more stressful for relatively affluent white women in their forties and fifties as compared to other people who work harder for less money. And it only feels that way if you have a sense of entitlement that puts you at the center of the known universe.

What we really need to acknowledge is that life is particularly stressful and hard when you live in a country that aggressively pretends that it supports families while doing absolutely nothing to put its money where its mouth is. A country that tells you that your family issues and your economic angst are yours to handle, shut up, get to work, and stop complaining.

What are the things that would help? Subsidized day care. Universal health care. Extended paid parental leave (for all parents - whether they are same sex couples, men, women, whatever). Subsidized elder care. Access to in home caregivers for aging parents. Real assistance in paying for higher education - not just student loans so that everyone can impoverish themselves sending their children (or themselves) to college.

We need policies that prioritize the general welfare of our citizens, families and communities, and not just military spending (guns vs butter) and trickle-up policies that make the already rich richer. This book could make the case for them by pointing out that one of the core demographics that is supposed to be happy - isn't happy. But it didn't.

The basic solution, at the end of the day, is to give yourself a break because no one can actually do everything that we were told we could do and it's bullshit. Also, someday you will be old, and then you'll be happier because old people are happier than middle-aged people. Forgive me, but this seems like something that I didn't need a book to tell me.

Added

I wanted to add that I think that this book suffers from some really unfortunate timing. It was published in January, immediately prior to a pandemic that has killed 130K Americans, most of them people of color who work jobs that are in a service economy where they are grossly underpaid. Theories that might have resonated before black and brown men and women started dying in huge numbers just feel tone-deaf at this point. Middle-aged, relatively affluent white women are doing pretty well in this pandemic, after all.

[Eilonwy · Rating 4 out of 5]

3-1/2 stars, rounded up

This was an interesting follow-up to Invisible Women. That book covered a huge amount of global data regarding how women’s needs, both economic and physical, are overlooked on all levels, from the family microcosm to the medical world to corporate design to government. This book is much narrower, focusing on the issues facing USAmerican women of a certain age -- Generation X, born between 1964 and 1981. And mostly white, middle class, hetero-cis women. (But if these women are suffering, imagine how much more precarious life is for women outside this group on any of those characteristics. So I don’t see this focus as necessarily excluding the problems facing less privileged women.)

I have mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand it’s a bit of a pity party about job precariousness, financial uncertainty, perimenopause, and the crunch between caring for children and caring for aging parents, combined with the emotional baggage of being Gen X latchkey kids plus being the first generation of women who were expected to “have it all” -- i.e. kids and actual careers. But on the other hand, it’s a huge sigh of “wow, it’s not just me going through this!”, because so much of the American way of coping with issues, both socially and politically, is to isolate people by implying that only you have this problem, and therefore you must cope with it entirely on your own. If enough people realize that “it’s not just me,” maybe we can gather enough momentum to tackle some problems politically, because it’s also not just Gen X women stressing over general work/finance precariousness and dismissal of the importance of non-employment contributions to society and family such as caregiving, etc.

The topics covered will be hit-or-miss in how they speak to you, depending on your personal situation. But they are wide-ranging and thorough, so I think every woman -- and some men! -- should find themselves somewhere in this book, even if you think it wasn’t written for you.

One thing I learned from this book is: Did you know that most doctors have next to no training about menopause? So they are not much help in answering questions or making recommendations about how to handle this major aspect of female life. And did you know that there is a North American Menopause Society, whose website will provide you with the names of doctors in your area who actually DO know something about menopause? This seems worth looking into and encouraging, so I’m passing it on as a public service.

(P.S. If you’re a doctor and this bit of info about the training is wrong, my apologies!)

[Terry ~ Huntress of Erudition · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every woman between 40 - 60 years old should read this book!
It is so well researched, realistic and affirming - for all of us who feel we should not be allowed to be happy unless we are living perfect lives, having it all and doing it all correctly, at all times.
Whew, such a relief not to be compelled to "self-help" in order to be perfect at everything - if we are feeling overwhelmed at times, maybe it's because that being overwhelmed is a sane response to what is happening in our lives right now and we should give ourselves some slack and permission to accept and enjoy ourselves, good or bad, right now.
Ada Calhoun writes with many documented facts and explains historically why women in their 40's today have a particularly rough time of it. Not that women from the begining of time have had it easy, but with the advantages and stress of modern living, we feel guilty if we are not happily successful in everything.

[Leslie Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

A searing exploration of stresses that keep GenX women up at night (literally and metaphorically), I raced through this book, which completely resonated.

So, so grateful to have received an early copy of WHY WE CAN'T SLEEP: Women's New Midlife Crisis (Grove Atlantic, 2020) by memoirist/journalist Ada Calhoun. I was feeling especially down the day it arrived--you know, that existential angst--and was immediately gleeful after reading the book's description: we are a group of women with outward markers of success and personal fulfillment, but still feel lousy.

Work and marriage, kids, houses, parents, all of that...we might look 'successful' and 'happy,' but underneath of that is well, a struggle. Money isn't very flow-y, work isn't as easy or satisfying. The marriage gets dull. The kids zap your energy. And what about all of that 'aspirational labor?' What then?

WHY WE CAN'T SLEEP mostly focuses on women in GenerationX (GenX), that is, those born roughly between 1967-1980, with a median birth year of 1976. I'm sitting right there. And I feel this, deeply. Calhoun delves into a soulful investigation of women in this cohort. She talked with many women from all walks of life--married, single, divorced, gay, straight, liberal, conservative, religious, atheist, childless, partnered, with children, wealthy, not-wealthy, black, Hispanic, white, Asian. It is WELL researched. Her sentences and paragraphs flow effortlessly and I read in awe. I found this entire book wholly consuming and was thinking, "I really should give a copy to my [Boomer] parents. Then they might 'get' me.'" And I thought of my book club (we're all GenXers). And I thought of the woman who does my massages. My HS girlfriends I'm still in contact with.

Calhoun investigates housing costs, workplace trends, credit card debt averages, divorce data. At every turn, there's a familiar pattern: GenX women face unique concerns and challenges that other generations don't. It's about that analog to digital world, the way women/mothers were when we were growing up (working mothers/latchkey kids, at-home mothers, hands-on mothers, hands-off mothers), divorce (latchkey kids), and our Boomer parents telling us: "You can have it all."

Why? And what can we do about it when we fall short? Or perceive we do? At times, I was a little panicked reading WHY WE CAN'T SLEEP. It was a bit of gloom and doom, but *insightful* gloom and doom. There is hope, but this title doesn't exactly go into many details--other than--we can prevent the next generation from falling into the abyss. We can dig ourselves out. And it's not about scheduling more 'me time' or creating a chore chart.

Such a unique and compelling read. I don't typically re-read books, but this one, I think I will.

I found some similarities between this book and the writing of Alexandra Robbins (PLEDGED, OVERACHIEVERS, THE NURSES)
Susanna Cahalan (BRAIN ON FIRE and THE GREAT PRETENDERS) meets Malcolm Gladwell's work.

For all my reviews, including author interviews, please see: www.leslielindsay.com|Always with a Book.
Special thanks to GroveAtlantic and Dewey Decimal Media for this review copy. All thoughts are my own.

[Cathi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this book works best as a mirror, and wasn't as resonant for me because there are a lot of mirrors out there for me. The title is fairly misleading - there is nothing about sleep in this book, nor is the case made for Gen X midlife crises being particularly unique. Calhoun breaks (largely) cis, middle and upper class Gen X women's lives and concerns into chapters (eg relationships, career, finances) with a final synthesis chapter.

There is a lot of cited data in this book, and I appreciated that. Largely this is an overview with anecdotes that doesn't delve into any why or how to move through these challenges. It felt like the author was trying to appeal across political lines - through a chapter about living in post-second wave feminism and the expectation that women can have it all (with the expectation of doing it all themselves), she doesn't talk about the persistence of sexism or the importance of having dialog with your partner (if you have one). It's fair for a book not to be everything, but if that's the case, I think the reader deserves more than a surface-level analysis.

The final chapter, which talks about ways to move through this time, gets all of the rolled eyes from me.

I think this book could be helpful for women who aren't feeling seen or heard, or haven't thought about how living in this particular time at this particular life stage can influence personal happiness or angst. I have a lot of work to do myself but this book wasn't it for me.

[Sherri Thacker · Rating 2 out of 5]

“You come to this place, midlife. You don’t know how you get here, but suddenly you’re staring 50 in the face!” Yes this was me 6 years ago when i turned the big 5-0 and I knew this book was written about me. Especially with the title as I have not slept good in YEARS!! But this book is more about the facts of being in the Generation X group of women which according to this book, I miss it by a year since I was born in 1963. I found myself skimming large sections because I was losing interest. Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for this book and this is my honest opinion.

[Ada-Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved every word of this book. It was so fascinating and like looking into a mirror. All generations face challenges but it was validating and eye opening to read issues that uniquely define Gen X women. The book was equal parts encouraging and depressing, but felt redemptive in the end. Gen X women are resilient, hard working, tough, reliable, loyal, team players. It’s funny to overlay the generational differences exposed by Covid on her theory - fits perfectly. Read it, and when you do, call me, and we can have our own book club convo. 🤣

[chantel nouseforaname · Rating 3 out of 5]

I needed to read this, this past week was a little crazy, so it was necessary. Sometimes you feel like you're doing too much, giving too much away, expecting too much of yourself, etc. This just reminds you that you can do whatever you want and that it's important to put yourself first and not follow anyone's/society's rules for you. My problem with the book is that it's a little white feministy. However, it's whatever. It's a soothing, calming, marginally reaffirming read.

[Erin Bartels · Rating 5 out of 5]

Witty, well-researched, and full of compassion, Ada Calhoun's book about Gen X women's midlife crises/issues/concerns hits home. If you're a Gen X woman, you will find here someone who watched all the same TV shows, listened to all the same music, and had all the same fears as you did growing up. She'll show you how growing up in the 1970s and 1980s affects some of the things you may be facing now that you're in your forties. And she offers strategies for dealing with such varied things as pre-menopause, divorce, being single with children, being single and childless, work-related stress, and reconciling the dreams you had for yourself with the reality you are now experiencing. I really connected with a lot in this book. I turn 40 in a couple months and I can see myself rereading portions of this for the next decade. Thanks, Ada!

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book hit a little too close to home. Ada Calhoun is part of Generation X - the one that came after the baby boomers, grew up the 1970s (I'd forgotten how flat out weird that was), dealt with their parents getting divorced, graduated out of college into a recession, went through another one, and had to deal with a society that kept insisting they could 'have it all.'

Calhoun does a good job of pulling together research from medical journals, sociology papers, popular culture and interviews with real-live women who can't understand why they're so unhappy in a society that gave them permission to be all they can be.

The simple fact is, American society isn't working for a lot of people, including most women. You can get a great education but finding a job that pays enough to get you out of debt is hard. Women still struggle with the second shift--doing more housework and childcare then their husbands and, unlike more progressive countries, the US government isn't interested in helping them out. Childcare is expensive, the medical system is a nightmare, health insurance can be hard to get, saving enough money for retirement is difficult, and everyone judges you for not looking like a supermodel.

Calhoun nails it with this book. Highly recommended.

[Kara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listening to other women's stories this year has given me confirmation, finally, that our expectations have been absurd. So many women I spoke with--objectively successful women--felt ashamed of their perceived failures.

What if we're not failures? What if what we've done is good? At any rate, maybe it's good enough.

I'm not a Gen X, but I am an older Millennial--one who graduated and got a job before the 2008 recession. I don't face a lot of the challenges faced by the women in this book, and yet so much of it resonated with me.

[Bruin Mccon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Why Can’t We Sleep is a non-fiction book made for Gen X women who, as the title implies, really need some shut eye.

I read an excerpt of this book in a magazine what feels like at least a year ago and I was very excited to get my hands on an advance review copy in exchange for an honest review. Honestly, this book rocks. It’s the catharsis you’ve been waiting for!

“We’re the first generation of women raised from birth hearing the tired cliche ’having it all’—then discovering as adults it is very hard having even some of it.”

Likening middle age to the latter stages of a losing Tetris game, Calhoun makes the case that not only do we have to make life-changing decisions at this point in our lives, we are also dealing with a Molotov cocktail of hormones in the form of peri- and regular menopause. Our stress makes our hormonal symptoms worse, which in turn increases our stress.

In part, I read this book at night before trying to sleep because my nighttime reading (The Snowman (Harry Hole #7)) was in danger of giving me nightmares.

While this book may have not helped me sleep, it did make me feel like a GenXer 100%. Moments of my life, touchstones like the Challenger explosion and latchkey kids, are used to illustrate why middle age is such a difficult time for us. Far from being coddled, many of us were ignored and left to deal with trauma alone. This wasn’t considered neglect; it was just the way it was. In fact, it’s possible our generation has higher than normal rates of Reactive Attachment Disorder, causing us to have problems forming loving relationships, stemming from our childhood and lack of caregivers. And this is why we are so careful with our own children, wanting to spare them the pain of our own childhood.

The author discusses Generation Alone, a book about Gen X’s spiritual life, quoting, “in aloneness, one’s life is filled with nothing but the clutter and busyness of activity and, all to often, the painful memories of one’s own past.” While I’m a younger X with little kids and thus exhaustion more than any of these other emotions, this still hits very close to home.

The entire book is like this, having your issues explained in painstaking detail as if your BFF wrote the book rather than an author you’ve never met. If you think your midlife problems originate from anything other than being a GenX (or Gen X adjacent) woman, well this book has some interesting arguments about why you’re wrong.

[Eileen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Obviously this book spoke to me because it was written FOR me. I absolutely, 100% meet the demographic (middle class, middle age (yikes) woman) and as such I related to a lot of it. . I have felt the pressure of being in the "sandwich" generation. Although some of it came off a bit whiny, it ends on a hopeful note ("Maybe you are a heroine worth rooting for"). I don't consider myself to be having a mid-life crisis by any means, and generally I am happy with the way my life is going. I sometimes wish I had done more with my career, but that's the way life has unfolded for me. Something had to give, for me that was it; for others it’s something else. I do wonder how many of the issues presented in this book are truly unique to Generation X, but I also see her point that my generation has had some different and interesting pressures placed upon us. We were told again and again growing up that we can have it all, we can do it all, and when that doesn't happen for whatever reason, we feel like we've failed. We don't have to be, nor can we be, everything to everyone. And that is OK. Really.
Some take homes for me: exercise daily (which I do .. mostly.. and feel is important), get enough sleep (same), try to stay off social media (honestly I don't even try here, but I should), eat right, find a NAMS certified OB/Gyn, spend time outdoors, and most importantly, give yourself some grace. All of this is probably common sense, but I think this book is helpful for reassuring us that we are not alone in the feelings and events that may be happening in mid-life.

(library, kindle)

[Nichola Gutgold · Rating 3 out of 5]

A bit too whiny for my tastes, but the author makes many good points about why today’s Gen X woman is overwhelmed. She quickly concludes on an optimistic note after bringing the reader through hundreds of negative pages. I don’t highly recommend but if you’re into these kinds of books about the current state of women, I recommend you read it. I don’t completely agree with her, but that might be the optimist in me.

[Molly Ferguson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am planning to buy this book for all of my friends who are Gen X. So much of it resonated with me! The premise is that our generation was told we could "have it all" and then hold themselves to impossible standards that cause stress and anxiety. I really appreciated how deftly she used research with examples from real women and bits of pop culture. There is even a playlist at the end! A caveat: I do think this book is written for white middle class women, though she claims she interviewed women of all demographics.