Dealing with Difficult People

HBR Emotional Intelligence Series

by Harvard Business Review

Learn how to deal with difficult colleagues and clients.

At the heart of dealing with difficult people is handling their--and your own--emotions. How do you stay calm in a tough conversation? How do you stay unruffled in the face of passive-aggressive comments? And how do you know if you're difficult to work with?

This book explains the research behind our emotional response to awful colleagues and shows how to build the empathy and resilience to make those relationships more productive.

Books in this series are based on the work of experts

Daniel GolemanTony SchwartzNick MorganDaniel Gilbert

This collection of articles includes "To Resolve a Conflict, First Is It Hot or Cold?" by Mark Gerzon; "Taking the Stress Out of Stressful Conversations," by Holly Weeks; "The Secret to Dealing with Difficult It's About You," by Tony Schwartz; "How to Deal with a Mean Colleague," by Amy Gallo; "How To Deal with a Passive-Aggressive Colleague," by Amy Gallo; "How to Work with Someone Who's Always Stressed Out," by Rebecca Knight; "How to Manage Someone Who Thinks Everything Is Urgent," by Liz Kislik; and "Do You Hate Your Boss?" by Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries.

HOW TO BE HUMAN AT WORK.

The HBR Emotional Intelligence Series features smart, essential reading on the human side of professional life from the pages of Harvard Business Review. Each book in the series offers proven research showing how our emotions impact our work lives, practical advice for managing difficult people and situations, and inspiring essays on what it means to tend to our emotional well-being at work. Uplifting and practical, these books describe the social skills that are critical for ambitious professionals to master.

Genres: Business, Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Leadership, Communication, Management

82 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2007

Reviews

[Linda · Rating 3 out of 5]

LV zemāk

ENG
Simple and useful. Clear tactics and also some hints to understand people's behaviours and also mine. Actually made quite a few notes. Some of them:

*If the conflict is hot (emotional violence, verbal aggression, loud voices, lose of control) wait a bit if possible. Make clear communication rules when dealing with the conflict, such as only one person talks, only 3 min etc. Can set clear questions. If the conflict is cold (passive aggression, silence, avoiding to talk about it, suppressed emotions), make the conflicting parts meet in one room, start up a discussion.

*Compromise is not a good result. Aim for innovative solutions where everyone involved is fully satisfied.

*Talk about the content (what people are saying) not the form (how they say it).

*Actually each person has their level of aggression that they don't cross so easily.

*Be brave enough to be vulnerable. That helps the other one empathise with you.

LV
Vienkārši un noderīgi. Skaidra taktika un arī dažādi padomi, kas palīdz saprast cilvēku un arī manu uzvedību. Patiesībā es diezgan daudz ko pierakstīju. Šeit dažas no piezīmēm:

* Ja konflikts ir karsts (emocionālā vardarbība, verbāla agresija, skaļas balsis, kontroles zudums), nedaudz nogaidi, ja iespējams. Izveido konkrētus komunikācijas noteikumus, kad mēģini risināt konfliktu, piemēram, runā pa vienam, katrs var runāt tikai 3min utt. Var uzdot konkrētus jautājumus. Ja konflikts ir auksts (pasīva agresija, klusums, izvairīšanās runāt par to, emociju apspiešana), liec abām konfliktējošajām pusēm satikties vienā telpā, sāc diskusiju.

*Kompromiss nav labs rezultāts. Mērķē uz inovatīvu risinājumu, kur visi iesaistītie ir pilnībā apmierināti.

*Runā par saturu (ko cilvēki saka), nevis formu (kā viņi to saka).

*Patiesībā katram cilvēkam ir agresijas līmenis, ko viņi tik vienkārši nevar šķērsot.

*Esi pietiekami drosmīgs, lai būtu ievainojams. Tas palīdz otram ar tevi empatizēt.

[Matt · Rating 2 out of 5]

These essays are interesting but are short and don't go into very much depth. I think dealing with difficult people is a skill that's hard to teach or talk about though, as it's mostly a learned skill and requires case-by-case adjustments.

[Julianne · Rating 3 out of 5]

For work 🥴

[Darya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good book that is a collection of articles on the topic of difficult situations at work. The articles provide a sound and practical advice of managing bullies, passive aggressive colleagues, dealing with a boss you may not like, working with people who believe everything is urgent. There is a reason for this book to be a part of emotional intelligence series!

[Bekky · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting collection of articles. Gives a brief overview of types of conflict with collegues and types of approaches to solve them but doesn't go in depth at all.

[Sunny Flynn · Rating 3 out of 5]

A series of articles written by different leaders in the field. Having different chapters by different people was a point of interest for me. Not only were the topics different (e.g. dealing with a stress-head, dealing with a boss you hate, etc.) but it was a different view point.

Nonetheless it was an ‘overview’ of the issue; possibly with 1 or 2 examples. Not as in depth as I had expected. A good 5-minute brainstormer that might help you in a tricky situation, but it’s not a gospel.

[Vui Lên · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

Cuốn sách ổn so với loạt sách về EQ từ Havard Business Review mình đang đọc.

Có tình huống rõ ràng, có hướng giải quyết cụ thể. Tuy vậy sách vẫn dừng lại ở phần mindset hơn là thực hành thực sự có giá trị. Hông recommend nếu các bạn đang tìm một cuốn sách để giúp bản thân đối diện với mấy người khó "xử"

[Manasi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Harvard Business Review´s series which is focused on how to be more human at work is an intriguing one among books that discuss emotional intelligence at work.

This book specifically, is a wisely knit series of case studies at work that, for starters seem extremely handy and practical- and as an aftertaste reminded me of real life work situations that did happen, which would have benefited from the negotiation techniques taught in here. That said, I personally felt that the case studies were limited to the convenient conventional realms and were a wee bit afraid of going more human at work, than is currently acceptable. Overall, an interesting read.

[Prem Kumar · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are some useful tips provided on how to figure out a conflict as a hot or cold one ? And how the conflicts can be addressed?
Very useful tips of taking the stress out of conversations. The strategies to handle mean colleagues, passive aggressive colleagues, aggressive colleagues are well explained. The part about how to manage a challenging boss was well explained.

Being empathetic is suggested in dealing with most of the problem which might be challenging in many real life Situations. This book has addressed the steps that can be taken during those situations well.

[Carolina Rondón Diplán · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️
Guía para manejar todo tipo de situaciones en el trabajo. A veces nos toca hacer retrospectiva y ver cómo mejorar, otras toca enfrentar un comportamiento externo con asertividad y este libro busca que notemos el momento. Siento que pudieron profundizar mejor en algunos tópicos

[Mauro Herrera · Rating 3 out of 5]

Este libro es práctico y aplicable a muchos casos, usa un enfoque psicológico agradable.

Algunos de los consejos son muy generalizados y no siempre se ajustan a situaciones complejas a resolver. Si bien enseña cómo manejar a otros, no se profundiza tanto en la introspección.

Sentí que algunos capítulos pueden parecer redundantes o alargar conceptos que podrían haberse explicado en menos palabras.

[Luis Ángel Ramos · Rating 3 out of 5]

Muy general , en realidad trae buenos tips . Pero si buscas un material con más sustancia este no es tu libro

[Anal Riaz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing read.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Está ben, pero non peofundiza nas pautas para xestionar conversas. Explica conceptos e poñen exemplos, pero como lectura inicial está ben.

[Angelica Moreno · Rating 5 out of 5]

Estos libros de Harvard business review me han parecido excelentes. Concisos, prácticos y con ejemplos para mejorar en habilidades blandas. Se los recomiendo mucho

[Adriane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Should’ve read this some time earlier last year - might have left the toxic workplace I worked at sooner 😆

[Brian · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very basic introduction to the topic at hand while citing a person and reference to further your study

[Alexey Gerasimovich · Rating 3 out of 5]

Иногда читаю отдельные статьи из Harvard Business Review, одну даже постил в блоге (Заблуждения о фидбеке). Но они также выпускают книги, в которые собирают несколько статей на определённую тематику, разбивая эти книги на подсерии.

Решил прочесть одну из серии "Эмоциональный интеллект", под названием "Общение с трудными людьми", ибо эта тема мне уже несколько лет интересна.

Далее: https://knari.by/2020/09/08/hbr-obsch...

[Nayeli · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is basically a small collection of essays and articles on the topic. It wasn’t what I expected, but it’s got some good advice, although it seems to stay on the surface. It basically follows the idea of the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

The most common advice throughout the chapters was basically to look at yourself, self-evaluate, realize your own attitudes and “own your part” of any issue. I specially liked the quote: “we might leak emotions in a way that’s hurtful to others”. It champions empathy and accountability. Another part I liked was about the power of words and how we phrase things: “you can say what you want to say, you just can’t say it like that”, boom.

The other advice I’m taking with me is how you can’t change people, you can only change yourself and how you react to their actions. Not sure how obvious this is to others, but it’s something I already try to do, and this book was a good reminder for me.

[Jordi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesante como primera toma de contacto para no versados en la temática. Trata de abordar lo expuesto en la portada extensamente y lo consigue, pero no en profundidad. A lo máximo que aspira el lector es a extraer algunas técnicas o recursos para parchear el día a día y a tener un punto de partida para adentrarse en el agujero de conejo con la bibliografía propuesta.

[Odonchimeg Idersaikhan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a cute, easy, relatable and helpful read for young personnel like me, who haven't developed their own tactics to deal with difficult people or difficult situations at work. But that does not mean everything i read was new. In fact, i thought all the advises and articles are pretty much what i try to do at work everyday. But having specified advises for each difficult character was very helpful. From what i understood, I think following are what all these articles are trying to say:

1. Assess the real situation without any of your emotions involved - which means state and face the facts and find out what is ur play in this, as well
2. Then create your customized strategies, whether it is to face the difficult situations or difficult people like your colleague, boss or subordinate. The strategies can vary like talk with the difficult person kindly, have empathy and bring out the discussions. Or even leave. Sometimes when several facts prove that you are straight-up being bullied, you need to leave.

These two have been the most common advises, but what i liked most and what was the most difficult thing to practice was to have empathy for the person who is making your life difficult, sort of like Be the bigger person kinda thing. So i rate this book as a helpful one, but not exactly what i was looking for.

[Ramya · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book felt pretty familiar, like most books of this kind that don’t differ much. I was hoping for examples that hit closer to home, but the ones given were too focused on work situations and just weren’t enough for me. The book brings up this new idea of “warm,” “cold,” and “hot” conversations, which was something fresh, but the rest seemed like stuff I’ve read before.

I think the book’s goal didn’t quite match what I was after. It spends a lot of time explaining certain behaviors, but I wanted more about how those behaviors affect you and ways to handle them in real life. The examples, like I said, are mostly professional, which didn’t fully connect with me.

It covers spotting behavior types—like passive-aggression, bullying, negativity, or manipulation. It also talks about setting clear boundaries by being assertive, sticking to facts instead of feelings to keep things productive, and protecting your energy by not fighting every battle.

[Jan · Rating 2 out of 5]

A collection of HBR articles, perhaps with some editing, purportedly about dealing with difficult people, but really about conflict and resolution. A typical chapter (article) would outline a problem, present a real-life scenario with a shallow resolution, and wrap up with 2-3 rules of thumb, without really providing any significant insights. I almost feel as if most of the book can be summed up as communicate, emphasize, reflect, and stay level-headed. As a quick overview or as a baseline, it is okay, but I probably would not recommend it overall.

At about 2-3 hours, the book is a quick read.

The physical book itself, with metallic print on the cover, is very nice and at ~130 very small pages even has an index.

[Kaze Adams · Rating 3 out of 5]

It provides good examples of situations that we can find in the workplace. Although they can be applied in other aspects of daily life, I would have liked it to be more general, applying all areas of our lives. I would take another star off for the mere fact that I feel like I'm being talked to in a Ted-Talk or constant chat.

Provee buenas ejemplificaciones de situaciones que nos podemos encontrar en el aspecto laboral. Aunque pueden ser aplicadas en otros aspectos de la vida cotidiana, me hubiese gustado que fuese de forma más general aplicando todas las areas de nuestras vidas. Le quitaria otra estrella por el mero hecho de que siento que me estan hablando en un Ted-Talk o charla constante.

[Genesis Ruiz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Es un libro que va más allá de simplemente describir los comportamientos conflictivos de las personas. Lo que más me gustó es cómo proporciona herramientas prácticas para que uno también evalúe su propia reacción y comportamiento en situaciones difíciles. No solo se centra en los demás, sino que invita al lector a reflexionar sobre su capacidad de manejo emocional, autoconocimiento y respuesta ante el conflicto.

Me gusto ese enfoque de introspección personal y a mi juicio esto lo convierte en una lectura valiosa, ya que no se trata solo de entender a los demás, sino de mejorar nuestra propia inteligencia emocional y aprender a gestionar mejor las relaciones difíciles.

Lectura recomendada sin duda y mas para aquellos que como yo, les esta tocando lidiar con alguien difícil.

[Katrina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent summary version from multiple experts on dealing with difficult people, whether it be subordinates or managers/bosses. I particularly liked the introduction which spoke about identifying if the conflict was hot or cold - I’ve never heard of such an important point to dealing with conflict and it really allows you to step back and assess the best approach to tackle the issues you’re faced with, and not the people. Highly recommend to anyone that manages people especially - as it says in the book “skills for managing difficult conversations and people is like CPR, you’re best to know it ahead of the time you need to deploy it”

[Yugal Jindle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book assumes you are in “difficult situation” with “difficult people” and then suggest strategies on your part to be prudent and take control.

Great little reference book,
It suggests common sense to the non-obvious. You can read this through and have it ready in your repertoire if a situation shows up and then refer to plan next most constructive steps.

What it’s not,
- It’s not about “understanding the difficult personalities”
- it’s not about “finding fit for a difficult personality” to have their strengths come through

Book mostly suggests “what should I do” and “how to get out of / manage a crisis”. Book is not about how to find ways to work better with personality type X.

[lana · Rating 2 out of 5]

this is probably the most random thing i’ve read. yes this book was literally just about work and how to deal with difficult colleagues. so if you’re working in a office or something then read this. if you are not then don’t. maybe i’ll come back and read this when i’m older and am actually working with colleagues but for now i will give this to my sister. i did learn some stuff though that i took away such as like dealing with stressful situations and such and dealing with difficulty personalities. but i got this at the airport and i just wanted to give a review on it

[Ahn Nguyen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has some very good advice on dealing with the everyday frustrations of challenging communications with co-workers and clients. Emotional intelligence is still the most undertaught subjects in business schools. My only (slight) criticism of it is that it does not really account for the possibility that many outwardly successful businessmen have, in fact, major personality disorders. Narcissists and sociopathic personalities will be largely immune to many of these methods. Nonetheless, I found the book helpful and would recommend it.

[KimikoM · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this book was fine! It is a quick, helpful handbook with curated essays that can easily be leaned on. The title implies that anyone who reads it must be a great colleague or person, and the folks in their life are hard to deal with. Rather, it actually goes through case-by-case human circumstances that are difficult to navigate. It’s targeted for workplaces, but can be applied broadly. It is quick, my only feedback is that the essays are dated so I wonder if there are more up-to-date practices. I thought it was good!