Every Time We Meet at the Dairy Queen, Your Whole Fucking Face Explodes

by Carlton Mellick III

Known for his cute, disturbing, and utterly absurd novels, cult author Carlton Mellick III returns with a tale of childhood love and spontaneous face explosions.

Ethan is in love with the weird girl in school. The one with the twitchy eyes and spiders in her hair. The one who can't sit still for even a minute and speaks in an odd squeaky voice. The one they call Spiderweb.

Although she scares all the other kids in school, Ethan thinks Spiderweb is the cutest, sweetest, most perfect girl in the world. But there's a problem. Whenever they go on a date at the Dairy Queen, her whole fucking face explodes. He's not sure why it happens. She just gets so excited that pressure builds under her skin. Then her face bursts, spraying meat and gore across the room, her eyeballs and lips landing in his strawberry sundae.

At first, Ethan believes he can deal with his girlfriend's face-exploding condition. But the more he gets to know her, the weirder her condition turns out to be. And as their relationship gets serious, Ethan realizes that the only way to make it work is to become just as strange as she is.

From the award-winning author of Sweet Story and The Haunted Vagina, comes a twisted love story that is as creepy as it is heart-warming.

Genres: Horror, Bizarro Fiction, Romance, Fiction, Novella, Splatterpunk, Adult

122 pages, Paperback

First published April 6, 2016

About the author

Carlton Mellick III (July 2, 1977, Phoenix, Arizona) is an American author currently residing in Portland, Oregon. He calls his style of writing "avant-punk," and is currently one of the leading authors in the recent 'Bizarro' movement in underground literature[citation needed] with Steve Aylett, Chris Genoa and D. Harlan Wilson.

Mellick's work has been described as a combination of trashy schlock sci-fi/horror and postmodern literary art. His novels explore surreal versions of earth in contemporary society and imagined futures, commonly focusing on social absurdities and satire.

Carlton Mellick III started writing at the age of ten and completed twelve novels by the age of eighteen. Only one of these early novels, "Electric Jesus Corpse", ever made it to print.

He is best known for his first novel Satan Burger and its sequel Punk Land. Satan Burger was translated into Russian and published by Ultra Culture in 2005. It was part of a four book series called Brave New World, which also featured Virtual Light by William Gibson, City Come A Walkin by John Shirley, and Tea from an Empty Cup by Pat Cadigan.

In the late 90's, he formed a collective for offbeat authors which included D. Harlan Wilson, Kevin L. Donihe, Vincent Sakowski, among others, and the publishing company Eraserhead Press. This scene evolved into the Bizarro fiction movement in 2005.

In addition to writing, Mellick is an artist and musician.

Reviews

[Janie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the gooiest love story I have ever read. It may also be the only love story I have ever read. I cannot resist the world of Carlton Mellick III, and the word "cute" is taken to a whole new dimension in this book. (Really, read the cartoon in the back.) Puppy love turns to full-blown detonation, which is carefully mended through honesty and sincere concessions. This may be the most unconventional tale of bonding you will ever read, but the narrator is guaranteed to win your heart. Join him through the stages of his unusual romance. And maybe wear a raincoat.

[Peter Topside · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is such a quirky, strange, bloody, yet endearing and sweet little story. It is a very quick read. Almost a bit too quick. Parts of the story felt breezed over, while other, less important details were overemphasized. But aside from that, I love books that merge horror and humor, so I did enjoy the originality of this book. The characters were bizarre and there are a lot of gross and nauseating descriptions, but again, that was kind of the point. Carlton Mellick has found his niche and I continue to be a fan!

[Misty Marie Harms · Rating 3 out of 5]

A really weird story that proves love conquers all. Yep....that's all I got 😂

[Marc *Dark Reader with a Thousand Young! Iä!* · Rating 4 out of 5]

Here’s what you need to know: Dairy Queen is an American chain of fast-food restaurants with a focus on ice cream. It is sometimes synonymous with American Midwestern nostalgia. As a child I confused their advertised “brazier” style of grill with the word “brassiere” and now you understand why Dairy Queen makes me horny.

The rest of the book’s title is self-explanatory.

Hey, not everyone knows about the D.Q.

This short book is wonderful, wild, weird, and way out there. It starts off very sweet, honestly reminiscent of young love, and then, well, hmm. As I noted in one of my updates, I had to stop reading while eating breakfast at one point because the two activities were simply not getting along. If you read it, guess which scene I was on.

This was my first CM3 book, but with enticing titles like The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (an Adventure for 3-6 Players, Levels 2-5, Zombies and Shit, and The Morbidly Obese Ninja, I intend to try more one day.

Trigger warnings for bullying, arachnophobia, lactose intolerance, and face-exploding.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

So, obviously the title was what originally drew me to this book.

I like weird horror and this sounded like it fit the bill. Trust me, Every Time We Meet at the Dairy Queen, Your Whole Fucking Face Explodes does not disappoint in that area. It starts weird and just gets more out there with each page. Super fun! Super bizzaro.

However, I do not agree that it is a romantic or sweet story. Just the opposite. This is a GODDAMN TRAGEDY. I wanted to reach in the book to shake Ethan and scream, 'Run, you fool. This won't end well!' Luckily, I'm a sucker for tragedies.

I don't think I'll forget this book anytime soon. Despite the unreal subject matter it was a layered, interesting story, full of thought-provoking topics.

[Debbie Y · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5, rounded up.

[Danger · Rating 5 out of 5]

For my money, Carlton Mellick can do no wrong. And this book is another in the long line of amazing novels I’ve read by him.

I don’t intend to spoil any of the twists and surprises inside this slim volume, but if the title seems a bit too gimmicky for you, I want to assure you that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There’s nothing that you gleam from the title and the back cover that isn’t fully fleshed out (pun intended) in the first chapter. From the basic premise we are whisked away. And it gets WEIRD. Wonderfully, weird.

And as is apparent in most of Mellick’s work, regardless of the bizarre nature of the story, the emotional core of these characters remains colorful and rich and relatable and, in the case of this book, quite innocent. So not only is this a fun-loving gross-out Bizarro body-horror tale, but this is a story about young love. And about how that young love reshapes us over time.

Touching. Funny. Disgusting. And surprisingly affecting.

I read this in one sitting. It was a great book.

[♥Milica♥ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of you probably saw me reading this and went "what the hell?", the rest of you probably didn't bat an eyelash because well, I do read questionable books on occasion and this one was definitely bizarre. It was also strangely adorable and disturbing at the same time.

It's a love story about two weirdo kids who found each other, except the girl's face tends to explode every time she gets too excited, you know, normal teenage things.

I loved the world building, it was so creepy and complimented the story nicely. I also loved both Spiderweb and Ethan, their love story by itself would've made this a 5 star read, the only reason why it wasn't were certain scenes like the wobblies one that were really disgusting to me, so I can't justify giving it more than a four. But I really did enjoy it.

Shoutout to the buddy read buddies without whom this book wouldn't have been on my radar! I have you to thank for the inevitable nightmares!

[Trish · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm told stories like this are called bizarro-fiction. After finishing this, I can see why, because it definitely IS bizarre.

There once was a little girl in school. She was a true little weirdo bullied and even feared by all her schoolmates. All? No. There was one boy who fell in love with her uniqueness. Just HOW unique the little girl was, he found out during their first date - when her face exploded. Yep, literally.
It's an illness that has been plaguing the family for hundreds of generations. Therefore, it is no surprise that the girl's father is an expert surgeon. Yep, a little like Frankenstein (but without the self-pity).

As these things go, the boy is so in love that he's willing to put up with the quirkiness so from then on out, we readers move through the stages of having a crush, holding hands and kissing for the first time, to ... all the rest. *lol* But how do you get through ALL the stages when your girlfriend constantly explodes? Well ... read it and find out.

I was expecting us to go where we went but I had no idea just how bizarre of a trip this would be. Whether this is good or not entirely depends on how much bizarreness you can stomach, I guess. Me, I thought the idea funny, but soon got a little turned off. *shrugs*

So it wasn't bad, it just didn't ... make me explode from happiness either. But it was a nice way of spending some time around V-day. *snickers*

[Ian · Rating 5 out of 5]

So, firstly let me put you in the picture. I am a 58 year-old guy who is found reading mostly crime thrillers, murder mysteries, horror, dystopia and very occasionally a bit of sci-fi/fantasy. So what is this 'Bizarro' genre all about? - Drawn to the obvious humour and craziness of this book's title, and the weird general absurdity of the brief synopsis, I thought I would introduce myself to it and go test the waters. And what did I discover - would I be disappointed? Well, I just thought that this book was just absolutely, so absolutely...
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT! I am delighted to say that I was just totally just blown away by it. What creativity, what imagination, what talent...Mr Mellick, I salute you sir, you are obviously just a 'genius of the genre' - that was such a fantastically enjoyable journey - I thank and applaud you, and assure you that i will definitely be reading more of your work in future.
Ps. Usually I feel slightly let down by the flat and lame endings to many books - well, this one wasn't - it was just so ...inspired. Loved the whole idea - loved the whole story - loved the whole experience (damn, just too short though!). CM3 - once again, I thank you. Rating: 6/5 stars...at the very least!

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finished this book a couple of days ago. But I really wanted to think about how I would review it.

I love being pulled into these worlds Carlton creates. A girl whose face blows up, and her mother is the same. Why not? I always can believe it. It pulls me into this world I could never have existed in.

This is a cute mushy story about love. I loved it.

[Jeremy Maddux · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've got a buddy doing time in prison and I'm pleased to hear that Carlton's books get a lot of play on the inside. My buddy mentioned this one specifically, and I was a little bit sad that he didn't have the honors of introducing me to it because I'd been reading these for years.

[Kirk · Rating 4 out of 5]

This reads fast.

This is a brilliant high-concept piece that builds up to the ending wonderfully. I remember when high-concept fiction was lauded as the next step in bizarro-or at least I remember the first time I was introduced to the idea-and for the life of me I could not figure out how to make it work or how it could work.

CMIII makes it work.

It starts with a great idea, then all of the hypotheticals and questions surrounding that idea are explored. Hypotheticals and questions I wouldn’t have even thought to ask until Mellick brings them up. As a writer, I had quite a few “why didn’t I think of that?” moments while reading this.

It has been a while since I have read a new CMIII book, and you can tell that all of the old criticisms of bizarro have been addressed here. If you’ve been reading bizarro since the 2000s, you’ve likely heard the classic criticisms: “some books in the genre are padded. They have grammatical errors. It is weird for the sake of being weird. Yada yada.”

This book is clean.

This book is not padded. (I never understood this criticism much anyway. Mainstream fiction is often incredibly padded and you rarely hear complaints about that. It is almost like some early reviewers of bizarro fiction created their own parameters as to how the genre should operate and then got frustrated when bizarro fiction didn’t adhere to their preconceived notions of what it should be).

The story builds fast. No slow burn bullshit. And it ends when it should.

Is this book weird? Fuck yeah! That’s a big part of why it is so compelling. Is horror frightening for the sake of being frightening? Is romance romantic for the sake of being romantic? Who came up with this idea that bizarro fiction should be “inadvertently” weird rather than intentionally so?

I get that perhaps critics of bizarro meant that they felt bizarro fiction tried too hard to be weird. With this book, that’s not the case. This is bizarro realism at its best. CMIIi takes the normal, mundane world and tweaks it in this one interesting way, and then watches everything around it get tweaked. It’s like a bizarro study in butterfly effect. For me this book reinforced why CMIII is not only a high watermark in bizarro fiction. He is the high watermark.

[Stay Fetters · Rating 4 out of 5]

"This would have been heaven to me if her face wasn't in its current state. I feel like I'm being groped by a flesh-eating zombie."
I've always wanted to read anything by Carlton Mellick the Third. My first experience with him was The Haunted Vagina. I became giddy with delight and terror as I found out that me and the main character share the same name. Spooky!!
I was lucky enough to be with a man who encourages my needs for bizarro and was gifted this from him.
If you are looking for the King of Bizarro then look no further. No one can intrigue you with a cover like he can and no one can make your entire face come apart just by thought.
Ethan has met the love of his life at school. But him being shy has him lusting from afar. She is quite the unusual dish. They call her Spiderweb and Frankenstein because there might be something uniquely horrifying about her face.
They side eye each other while on the bus and one day that changes with a slip of a note. Now they are boyfriend and girlfriend.
On a date at Dairy Queen... her face kapows and face skin and blood is everywhere. Seems that every time she meets Ethan and she becomes overwhelmed with love and emotion her face explodes to kingdom come.
Her dad being super crafty sews her face back together making her look like the Frankenstein Monster.
Jill seeing that her boyfriend Ethan is in trouble with a bully, she takes matters into her own hands and now they are in hiding. True love knows no boundaries.
If you don't make your face explode after reading this then what the fuck are you doing? I had to gather all those pieces like Jackie O' once had to do.
Have you ever felt that no one will ever understand? This book has all the answers and more.
This was completely obscene, strange and weird and I was in love. So in love that I now have stapled skin on my face.
I now want to buy his entire catalog of books to add to my collection. And no one will ever be disappointed by the over-the-top adventures of the bizarre.

[Frank · Rating 4 out of 5]

EVERYTIME WE MEET AT THE DAIRY QUEEN, YOUR WHOLE FUCKING FACE EXPLODES is one of the greatest titles of a book ever. You could give this book 4 stars on that alone. Thankfully, the story within is also worthy of 4 stars as well or my reviewing prowess might come into question.

To me, this book represents a change in style for Carlton Mellick's body of work. The book cover from this one forward have a distinct look. The tone of the books he's written from this one forward also stand out from previous work. I haven't read any of the others past this release just yet but there is a sense that is the case. A period for the author.

And while the story is more of a cute, coming-of-age, teenie bopper sort of tale, it is still very visceral and very real. As Carlton Mellick is wont to do, he crafts the weird into a believable reality. And in case you may think this goes off the rails with adorability, you'll be put in check by a great ending to an enjoyable story.

When you read Carlton Mellick, you kind of know what to expect. The enjoyment is that you expect a great weird read even though you never read the same story twice. The same holds true for DQ. This is just a great CM3 book. You should check it out before your whole fucking face explodes.

[Cheryl · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is utterly bonkers, it’s not even remotely believable but it is good fun.

My first thought when reading this was “well isn’t this cute”, then it gets very odd, but mainly this is funny and cute, oh and a bit gross (sometimes in a cute way, sometimes in a very gross way). It is all amusing though. Eventually cute turns to creepy and I still enjoyed it.

Words are failing me here, how do I review something like this? It has to be read to be believed. The basic premise is that we have a cute girl meets boy story, but said girl keeps exploding - the author took this idea and ran with it.

It’s a bit like a fairy tale and a cartoon all rolled into one, albeit disgusting at times.

I give up, I hope this review helps you but if not, sorry I did my best!

I really enjoyed this story, it wasn't quite enough for a 5 but a decent 4*/5 for me.

[Eba Munoz · Rating 3 out of 5]

86/2024

CADA VEZ QUE QUEDAMOS EN LA HELADERÍA TE EXPLOTA LA PUT💘 CARA

Sí, chavalines, este es el título y no, no es metafórico. Toma spoiler que te has comido 😁.

Tenía muchas ganas de adentrarme en la literatura weird, en lo bizarro, y justo me regalaron este libro, que era uno de mis candidatos. Yo misma tengo hace años un argumento y un personaje concebidos para este género, pero tras esta lectura no sé yo si me voy a animar 🫣😂.

Lo weird, la literatura bizarra se pueden explicar como historias sin límites, que permiten explorar cualquier resquicio de fantasía sin ningún complejo y aunarlo con cualquier otro elemento, sea perturbador, tierno o sucio. Siguen una lógica de cartoon, donde todo puede pasar, como un capítulo de Los Simpsons. Cuando ves uno, aceptas sus reglas: sabes que vas a divertirte ( o no) o escandalizarte ( o no) sin discutir la verosimilitud o imposibilidad de los hechos.

Y con esta premisa en mente debes leer el libro. Una historia de amor/horror adolescente con explosiones de cara, sexo, violencia y un final muy loco.

Sobre la edición, decir que me parece preciosa, pero el gramaje de las hojas me parece muy mejorable (papel de liar, vamos) y le daría una vuelta a la corrección, que tiene tres erratas gordas para lo breve que es (y otro par más normales).

[Michael Sorbello · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious, bizarre, disgusting, adorable and slightly horrifying all at the same time. A romance story unlike any other.

Ethan is in love with the weirdest girl in school. They call her Spiderweb because her best friends are spiders and her face is covered in weblike stitch patterns from retroactively exploding upon contact with someone she loves. Ethan finally works up the nerve to ask her out, but there’s just one problem. Her head explodes into an eruption of gore every time they get close or try to kiss each other. The more Ethan learns about her unusual condition, the more secrets he unlocks about her past, the ancient lineage of her family, and the fate that awaits them both if they are to continue their romantic relationship.

This book really takes the whole ‘love conquers all’ thing to the extreme. Ethan goes to lengths most mortal men would never even dare to try and make the love of his life happy and valued. Morbid, funny and grossly charming.

[Seb · Rating 4 out of 5]

As always, CM3 renders a simple yet effective story, with loveable characters and an instant commitment to the reader.

This one is clearly the cutest I've ever read of his and by that it gives a new dimension to his work (😉 to the bonus).

However, as always, the story revolves around yet another weird female sexual behavior. I mean, what's this about all the time ? I cannot but guess you encountered some crazy ladies and that they left a huge impression on you but come on can't you sometimes talk about something else for a change?

It's still a 4 stars job but I'd really love reading a book of yours that has another main topic!

[Brandon · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is not a book for people who have trouble suspending their disbelief.

It is a book for people who like reading about absurd things happening matter-of-factly.

It is a book for people who don't mind less of a gap than usual between sex and gore.

It is a book for people who want to read a sickly sweet love story where a face or two or twelve explodes, and the narration describes the chunks of viscera flying in realistic detail.

[Allison | crazypageturner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ethan loves the weird girl in school Jill. They hardly talk to each other but sit next to each other on the bus. Ethan eventually gets the nerve to ask her on a date. He then learns that anytime Jill gets excited or overcome with happiness, her entire face explodes. But even with her weird genetic disease, Ethan can’t get enough of her!

A story about your first love. Middle school love. A love that you would do anything to keep.

Ethan has some big decisions to make in this book and I just am over the moon to see him choose love time and time again.

Sometimes, you just can’t help who you love! Even if that means getting covered in blood, bone and flesh on a semi regular basis.

Wow. Talk about cute!!! I just loved this so much and finished it in one sitting! The ending was unexpected but I didn’t hate it. This book is cute, kinda gross and definitely quirky in classic Mellick fashion.

[Rodney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Adorable,​ ​odd,​ ​creepy,​ ​and​ ​uncommonly​ ​relatable,​ ​all​ ​things​ ​considered.​ ​This​ ​book​ ​is​ ​a​ ​prime
example​ ​of​ ​the​ ​top​ ​shelf​ ​bizarro​ ​that​ ​Carlton​ ​Mellick​ ​consistently​ ​delivers.​ ​Do I really need​​ to​ ​say​ ​much​ ​else?

[Mindi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review to follow...

[Enric Herce · Rating 4 out of 5]

Una de les coses que em fascina del bizarro, més enllà de plantejar arguments salvatges impossibles, és la seva capacitat de domar-los, fer-los interessants perquè no quedin reduïts a simple anada d'olla i, en el cas d'alguns autors, com Carlton Mellick III, convertir-los en una reflexió sobre la natura humana. Aquest llibre segueix fil per randa aquest procés: idea esbojarrada (noia a qui li explota la cara quan s'excita), desenvolupament de la relació entre ella i el protagonista malgrat els entrebancs i reflexió sobre la família, què suposa estimar i si hi ha una única manera de fer-ho.

[Renée · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yeah well, my brain exploded reading this freaking awesome book! What an adorable little love story indeed. I’m an instant Carlton Mellick fan.

[Stefie vom Buchschnack · Rating 4 out of 5]

Das ist mir Abstand das schrägste Buch, das ich je gelesen habe.
"Alice im Wunderland" für Erwachsene, die den Schauer mögen, der ihnen über den Rücken läuft.
"Caroline" zum Quadrat.

[Alex | | findingmontauk1 · Rating 4 out of 5]

The cover is right.. this book is cute! I started reading Mellick this summer and the books I have read have been full of gore and sex that makes bizarro so... bizarro! But this story adds an element of romance and adorableness that I just loved! It still has many of the elements that make a story fit into the bizarro category, but this is one that I could recommend to someone to get their feet wet and not be totally slapped in the face with something wild, sexy, gory and out of control!

Admittedly, this was a title purchase pure and simple. I have about 15 Mellick books on my shelves and I did not NEED to get another one when I have unread ones already. But this title called to me and I just needed to know what the heck was going on in a book with a title as crazy as this. And I am definitely glad I did because I found myself laughing, smiling, and entertained the entire time I read this one.

4 stars! HIGHLY recommended for those wanting to dabble in the bizarro world and not get ALL the way in... YET!

[William M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Carlton Mellick is by far the most consistently entertaining author I have ever read, regardless of genre. His stories always range from great to brilliant and "Every Time We Meet..." is no exception. Once the setup to the story begins, things sort of go as expected and it felt as if Carlton has pulled back on the reigns a bit, but the heart of the narrative is so well done, it did not matter that this story felt more mainstream than usual. The characters were a delight to read and felt completely authentic. The dialogue had such a believable ring to it that I had flashbacks to grade school and all the peer pressure and bullies and first crushes came flooding back in my memory. Where Mellick really hit it out of the park was the ending here, and some jaw-dropping concepts he introduces involving the male protagonist. Truly amazing work. Not my favorite Mellick, but in the top 10 for sure.

[S.T. Cartledge · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been reading Carlton Mellick for what feels like forever now. I think it's been around five years since I read Satan Burger and started collecting his books. He knows how to make the strangest ideas feel so engaging and entertaining. I love that about his work, and I love how he doesn't instantly go for the kooky humourous approach. There's a lot of things about his work that I look up to as a writer, and each book there's always something new and interesting to discover. It's what makes his books interesting from both a reader's perspective and a writer's perspective.

I would lump this book in with Quicksand House in that Mellick has taken a tender and heartfelt approach to the story. While Quicksand House is darker and hits harder right in the feels, Dairy Queen goes for a love story that turns their whole world upside down. It's disturbing and beautiful. It's short and cute. It's textbook Mellick. So cute I think my face might explode.

[John The Crippledgimp · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a ride. This is my first book by this author and one of the weirdest, funniest, and explosively gooey love stories I've ever read. This is honestly a really good book and really awesome story of love that is so good you could possibly explode. Definitely going to buy more from this author he writes bizarre but so well I wanna read more. Definitely became a fan and look forward to reading more.