I Am My Mother's Daughter: Making Peace With Mom -- Before It's Too Late

by Iris Krasnow

Iris Krasnow -- mother, daughter, and best-selling Journalist -- tackles the toughest relationship in the lives of many grown women: the mother-daughter bond. With women's life expectancy inching up past eighty, you may be embroiled with your mother well past the time your own hair turns white. The good news: Living longer means more time to make peace -- and this book shows you how. Drawing on her own experience with her colorful eighty-four-year-old mother and the collective wisdom of more than one hundred other adult daughters, Krasnow offers a fresh perspective on how to overcome the anger, guilt, and resentment that can destroy a family. The time to repair the bond is now, she reminds us: You can't kiss and make up at her funeral. The key is to let go of the fantasy mom and embrace the flesh-and-blood woman, with all her flaws.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, True Story, Memoir, Psychology

240 pages, Paperback

First published April 10, 2006

About the author

Iris Krasnow was born and raised in Oak Park, Illinois. A graduate of Stanford University, she became the fashion writer for the Dallas Times Herald, then moved to United Press International in Washington, D.C. for the position of national feature writer. In her several years at UPI, Krasnow specialized in lifestyle stories and celebrity profiles, including Yoko Ono, Billy Graham, Ted Kennedy, Elie Wiesel and Queen Noor of Jordan.

Krasnow is the author of SURRENDERING TO MOTHERHOOD, the New York Times bestseller SURRENDERING TO MARRIAGE, and SURRENDERING TO YOURSELF, all published by Miramax Books, as well as the newly-released I Am My Mother's Daughter (Basic Books). Her writing has been featured in many national publications, among them Parade magazine, The Wall Street Journal, SELF magazine and The Washington Post. Krasnow is the relationship correspondent for the Fox Morning News in Baltimore, and has been a guest on numerous national radio and television programs including Oprah, Good Morning America, The Today Show, CBS Early Show, Fox & Family and several times on CNN. Interviews with Krasnow, and reviews of her work, have appeared in Time, O The Oprah Magazine, Glamour, The New Yorker, U.S. News & World Report and Redbook.

A longtime journalism professor at American University, Krasnow lives in Maryland with her husband and four sons. She speaks on marriage, childrearing and "female generational angst" to groups across the country.

Reviews

[Monica · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think I got what I needed out of it. " So more and more, I let my mother "be," as the Buddhists tell us to do; I flow with the currents of the river instead of flailing against them. She will not change. The only change I have the power to control, I am realizing, is how I react to her." (p.3)This will stick with me for sure. I also thought this was really good, "No mother is the Great Goddess who is always good. Each of us is just an ordinary woman who tries to be as good as she can be." -Psychologist Florence Wiedman (p.121)

I wanted to read this because of my relationship with my mom and the fact that i am going to mother a daughter too.

[Kelly Germain · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found these stories to be insightful and helpful. Navigating this adult daughter- mother relationship is complicated, challenging, and so worth it. I’m filled with gratitude that I have this opportunity.

[Maxime horn · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was a good book to get a bit more perspective on a daughters bond with her mother. I do think the writing style could’ve been better, but generally it was a nice book!

[Kimberlee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book. Goodness. I have no “peace” to make with my mom-we have a wonderful relationship.
But-this book is profoundly touching all the same. Many times I wanted to cry. This is a beautiful book, written about the most beautiful, complex, perfectly imperfect relationship any of us will ever have-the relationship with our mother. I enjoyed this book very much.

[Tami · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author intertwines her relationship with her mom with dozens of others. What she's learned and observed from her friends and acquaintances. I didn't particularly care for this style of writing. It is easy to read but for some reason, something was missing for me.

Reading about other women's crazy relationships with their mothers didn't make me feel any better about my own or what I can do to improve it. I totally agree that we need to make peace and forgive one another but I already knew that.
I obviously do not have a good relationship with my mother. I know she did the best she could and I feel really sad for her that two of her daughters haven't spoken to her in over 10 years. This breaks my heart for her and for my sisters because both of my sisters are suffering and they think by excluding the woman who hurt them thirty years ago they will no longer feel pain, well that just isn't so. Without realizing it they are teaching their children to flee and ignore when feelings are hurt. Tolerance and forgiveness are missing as well. This viscous spiral needs to stop.

The author points out an interesting fact that since we are living longer most of us may still have our mothers with us well into our 70's. This gives us more time to appreciate and love our moms.
I couldn't help but think of friends who lost their moms at an early age and how unfair this is, but life isn't fair right?
I've always admired and envied friends who have great relationships with their moms and I hope to emulate their goodness and unselfishness.
Unconditional love, easy to say, hard to live sometimes.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very informative book,not crazy about the format

[Fee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not a how-to book, there are no instructions. Instead there are stories from daughters mainly in their 50s who have had some sort of turbulent relationship with their mothers since the beginning. Their stories are mostly about last minute reconciliations, but not all of them are fully successful, they just soften the hard edges "before it's too late".
There are ordinary women in here but some with famous or high profile mothers. The common theme seems to be that the mothers themselves were not properly mothered so they were not well equipped to be good mothers themselves.
I liked this book because it validated for me that mother-daughter relationships are more often fraught with problems than is actually expressed openly and that actually it's not anyone's fault.
There is a good bibliography for further reading.

[Kate Woods Walker · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book deserves a place alongside My Mother, My Self by Nancy Friday, (one of several books the author cites, by the way), as a must-have for any daughter in a conflicted relationship with her mother. And after all, that's most of us, isn't it?

There's no mistaking where Iris Krasnow is heading. With a subtitle like Making Peace With Mom Before It's Too Late, there can be little doubt. But she gets to her often-tearjerking, unabashedly sentimental conclusions with fine writing, sensitive interviews and quotes, and a clear-eyed acknowledgement of the varied flaws of the human female. And to my mind, that marks her as a particularly mature writer...even a particularly mature human being.

[Kirstin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read her book, Surrendering to Motherhood, and really liked her writing style and journalistic way of interviewing a broad spectrum of daughters. So, when I came across this book, I was intrigued. The question that resonated with me is, "What would you tell your mother if you could tell her anything? Why wait?" Considering there's a good chance of my mom living into her 90's(as did her parents), and maybe longer, we still have another 15+ years together here on earth. What will that look like? What else needs to be said, or even left unsaid? I am open to possibilities, and am especially grateful she is still an important part of my life today!

[Jill · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is useful for anyone who has any issues with their mother -- whether your mother is actually abusive or neglectful in some way, or whether she's overall a good woman who just manages to frequently push your buttons (like mine!). Iris Krasnow emphasizes the importance of accepting your mother for who she is and living in the present so that you don't hold on to self-destructive anger and/or blame. This book is a reminder that we are all products of our mothers, who in turn are all products of their mothers. Occasionally, I became a little annoyed by Krasnow's analysis.

[Edbdme2 · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book discusses the mothers of several women with various backgrounds. Each has a different relationship with their mother and some were able to reconcile with the mothers before their death. Others were able to understand the reasons or the life of their mother and learned to forgive, if not forget. Very interesting and makes one really see what made their mothers what they were.

[Vanessa Zagari · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very insightful book and really makes you think about your relationship with your mother. It also makes you think about the future when your mother is no longer here. Some women shared some very touching stories.

[Serena · Rating 4 out of 5]

Promotes a lot of reflection and soul-searching.
Although I don't agree with everything she said, I appreciated her insights and opinions on the mother-daughter relationship and how it can be improved.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just started this book. My mother is going to be 76 in May, and I've made a lot of headway in our relationship over the past few years. This book is reflective of many things I've aleady learned, but it is adding so much more. What a blessing.

[Stacey Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very insightful with stories coming from women of all different situations. If I got anything from this book, it is the idea of learning to accept people as they are, learn to let go, forgive, and to hold our living loved ones dear. Its the greatest gift you can give yourself.

[Suzanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading about several other women's mother-daughter relationship was very helpful to me. I helped me put my situation into perspective and be grateful.

[Susannah]

considering the fact that i wept through most of this book, i would say it was what i needed to read.

[Lori]

Yeah, yeah. I get it, but hearing these women's stories didn't exactly motivate me. Not sure I'll get to a place of acceptance and love.

[Jenna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommended to any woman with a mother. Seriously, that broad. I've considered lending out my copy, but am afraid I won't get it back.

[Beth Gelhar · Rating 2 out of 5]

An over-emphasis on genetics and shared DNA is only one example of what's wrong with a lot of this book (i.e. if you're adopted, don't even bother reading. The relationship between adopted mother and daughter is not addressed at all).

It is worth noting that this book is almost 20 years old- and it shows in a lot of its outdated advice. It takes the very baby boomer stance of, "You think your mom is bad? Here, let me give you examples of mothers that are quantifiably worse. Don't you feel better? Oh, and let me mention for the 20th time, your mom will be dead before you know it- so learn to deal with her! She isn't going to change."

I will give the book props for its assertion of radical acceptance of people as they are. No, you can't change that other person. You can't change your mom.

But what this book does far, far less well is discuss appropriate boundary setting. Sure, you do see it in some of the stories the author shares. But the author herself, in her commentary between the stories, does not discuss boundary setting at all.

A final note: the author, Iris Krasnow, is not a mental health professional. Take that, the fact that this book is almost 20 years old, and do what you will.

There is the occasional nugget of wisdom in here, but other books likely deliver a healthier and more well- balanced message.

[Melissa Reagan Love · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are some good lines that were worthy of highlighting, but overall the tone of the book repetitively advised that women should make up with their mothers before it is too late because they will not become a whole person if they do not. I suppose most women already know that having someone die with whom they had conflict would leave a sense of sadness and "what if." Reading a multitude of stories of bad relationships with mom's with not as much emphasis on how certain daughters were able to let go and let their mother's just be, accepting them and still loving them for who they are, despite horrible past experiences left the reader wondering, how they were able to accomplish that feat. Also, it didn't go in depth enough about the scenarios where moms become/or are toxic and bring discord to the daughters later in life. The primary stories focused on the moms who were really difficult as the child was growing up then became meek and needy when they were old. There is a vast sea in the middle, moms who aren't old enough to be dealing with Alzheimers and daughters choosing to avoid the toxicity they bring.

[Audra Šepetys · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think it’s a book that needs to be read by every daughter and granddaughter that had or still has some unresolved issues with their mothers. It may help you not only “let it go” all the bad memories from mother-daughter relationship but also understand a mother going through a loss of her own parents. The book does not give you any specific how-tos, but shared stories really shows perspective on better relationship with your mother.

[Vanessa Bustamante · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked it. It made me think. It made me appreciate what I have a little more. It gave me examples of endurance through very hard mother-daughter times. It gave me hope and more will power to continue growing as a daughter and a mother.

[Shelly Rarick · Rating 4 out of 5]

Should be required reading for all daughters.

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has good insights, but I wonder why it's all on the daughter to make amends.

[Angela · Rating 1 out of 5]

Just wasn’t grabbing my attention.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book. The auther, Ms. Krasnow, spent many hours collecting true stories from many daughters from many different backgrounds which of course offers allowed for many extraordinary experiences. Being able to peer into others' lives gives the reader an opportunity to pause and hear what they learned and how they deal with the hardships and struggles between daughters and mothers.

Something I had not expected, but truly appreciated, was that many of the women were in the mid-life years (40-50s) caring for their aging mothers. I, ironically, liked the title and grabbed this out of the clearance section of a book store because of the title and found some encouragement through their words.

For the Christian readers - this author speaks briefly of her belief in God, but also incorporates Buddist prinicples and other New Age concepts (Mother Earth), so you will not find deep biblical concepts shared in these pages. But please do not let this prohibit you from giving it a read. Some of the very plain ways these women express their thoughts on ways they have found freedom from the bondages that may come from a mother/daughter relationship will bless you.

[Leila T. · Rating 3 out of 5]

16 October 2010: I think I'm only about a chapter in so far, and maybe I should have waited a bit longer between finishing reading her "Surrendering to Motherhood" and this book, because I was so happy to have finally finished that last book, which was good but repetitive, and now reading this book is like Krasnow overload. I do in general like this writing style and content, obviously, but it's maybe a little too much all at once. And then there was this bit where she describes cleaning up a glass of milk knocked over by her 15-year old son, and I went along with the anecdote and then realised, WHY is she doing this for him? Why isn't he cleaning it up himself? So that annoyed me and I think I really should take a break from her for at least a few more weeks before attempting more.

[NGUYỄN HOÀNG HÀ · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is good to me that i has known about this meaningful book.
From the normal stories to the stories that conect with my life. It takes me to understand my mom what she thinking, worried about. Although she is the person that i love and hate so much but i still live with her who sacrifice for my life and plunge me into despair.
Maybe it makes me accept and forgive for her mistake so anyway nobody is perfect and me too.
Actually, right now im just a girl, i do not have any answers or activities to connect my relationship with her. However, inside myself is going to try to repaire it step by step.
Because im scared that oneday when the time is go off a word is still extremely hard to express to her.
Thanks

[Wendy Osborn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this was a self-help type of book, but it ended up just being more of entertaining stories with no clue as to conflict resolution or how to deal with moms that mean well, but sometimes overstep their bounds or speak unkindly unintentionally. I was flabberghasted on how many stories focused on women who chose the path of lesbianism. I just couldn't really relate.