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462 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1995
"Forced into myself, I became bookish, walking five miles to the free library in my cracked clogs. I read, I read, I read...I was a helpless addict; so precious were those books to me...My mind grew in the darkness like a flower. But my isolation increased. I could not communicate my love, my wonder, my veritable lust for things of the spirit, the intellect, with my parents - nor, indeed, with my teachers, for them I hated."
"The beasts were born to live but man was born to remember. Out of his memory, he made abstract patterns of significant forms...Man is an animal who insists on making patterns, says the Count contemptuously; all the world you think so highly of is nothing but pretty floral wallpaper pasted up over chaos...
"Memory is the grid of meaning we impose on the random and bewildering flux of the world. Memory is the line we pay out behind us as we travel through time - it is the clue, like Ariadne's, which means we do not lose our way.
"Memory is the lasso with which we capture the past and haul it from chaos towards us in nicely ordered sequences, like those of baroque keyboard music..Memory, origin of narrative; memory, barrier against oblivion; memory, repository of my being, those delicate filaments of myself I weave, in time into a spider's web to catch as much world in it as I can.
"In the midst of my self-spun web, there I can sit, in the serenity of my self-possession. Or so I would, if I could."
"First, we learn how to forget. Second, we forget how to speak; third, we cease to exist.
"Dedicated as he is to the dissolution of forms, [the Count] intends to erode my sense of being by equipping me with a multiplicity of beings, so that I confound myself with my own profusion of pasts, presents and futures.
"If only I could remember everything perfectly, just as it happened, then loaded with the ambivalent burden of my past, I should be free."
where they wreathed suicides with garlic, pierced them through the heart with stakes and buried them at crossroads.
Random chance operates in relation to these existential lacunae; one tumbles down them when, for the time being, due to hunger, despair, sleeplessness, hallucination or those accidental-on-purpose misreading of train timetables and airline schedules that produce margins of empty time, one is lost. One is at the mercy of events. That is why I like to be a foreigner; I travel only for the insecurity. But I did not know that, then.
I collect driftwood and set it up among the pine trees in picturesque attitudes on the edge of the beach and then I strike a picturesque attitude myself beside them as I watch the constantly agitated waves, for here we all strike picturesque attitudes and that is why we are so beautiful.