Escaping the Endless Adolescence: How We Can Help Our Teenagers Grow Up Before They Grow Old

by Joseph Allen, Claudia Worrell Allen

Do you sometimes wonder how your teen is ever going to survive on his or her own as an adult? Does your high school junior seem oblivious to the challenges that lie ahead? Does your academically successful nineteen-year-old still expect you to “just take care of” even the most basic life tasks?

Welcome to the stunted world of the Endless Adolescence. Recent studies show that today’s teenagers are more anxious and stressed and less independent and motivated to grow up than ever before. Twenty-five is rapidly becoming the new fifteen for a generation suffering from a debilitating “failure to launch.” Now two preeminent clinical psychologists tell us why and chart a groundbreaking escape route for teens and parents.

Drawing on their extensive research and practice, Joseph Allen and Claudia Worrell Allen show that most teen problems are not hardwired into teens’ brains and hormones but grow instead out of a “Nurture Paradox” in which our efforts to support our teens by shielding them from the growth-spurring rigors and rewards of the adult world have backfired badly. With compelling examples and practical and profound suggestions, the authors outline a novel approach for producing dramatic leaps forward in teen maturity, including

• Turn Consumers into Contributors Help teens experience adult maturity–its bumps and its joys–through the right kind of employment or volunteer activity.
• Feed Them with Feedback Let teens see and hear how the larger world perceives them. Shielding them from criticism–constructive or otherwise–will only leave them unequipped to deal with it when they get to the “real world.”
• Provide Adult Connections Even though they’ll deny it, teens desperately need to interact with adults (including parents) on a more mature level–and such interaction will help them blossom!
• Stretch the Teen Envelope Do fewer things for teens that they can do for themselves, and give them tasks just beyond their current level of competence and comfort.

Today’s teens are starved for the lost fundamentals they need to really adult connections and the adult rewards of autonomy, competence, and mastery. Restoring these will help them unlearn their adolescent helplessness and grow into adults who can make you–and themselves–proud.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Education, Self Help, Psychology, Society

272 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2009

Reviews

[Clare · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent, enlightening study which offers solutions to common teenage issues by focusing on how to draw out the 'emerging adult' in adolescents.

Some of the helpful ideas it explains:
- The new phenomenon of the 'quarter-life crisis' : life is boring, teens are waiting for something to jump out and reveal their life's purpose
- Teens often indulge in extreme behaviour because they have nothing else worthwhile to do, which leads to a downward spiral. Some of the cases described demonstrate quite disturbing behaviour, and although it it is described professionally it is not appropriate for younger readers.
- References other excellent psychologists , like Victor Frankyl

- Considers whether age is really the problem for things like dangerous driving, or whether it is simply the danger of being a beginner at whatever age. Youth is not the problem , the fact of being a beginner is, so delaying the age of driving doesn't help because in denying them the risk you also deny them the responsibility and independence they need to learn at this age.
- How it helps older teens to need to look after younger siblings or babysit, a part of adult responsibility they can train for. Helps them be more responsible people, and to get their act together in other areas as well (study, day to day living, even hygiene)
- Voluntary community service and interacting with adults towards a common goal dramatically reduced school and college drop-out rates. Knowing that what they are doing matters to real adults and being treated like adults in the assignments of tasks makes a huge difference. It needn't be a formal program for it to be helpful.

- Premature affluence through some jobs for teens allows them to spend much more than they would be able to as adults... getting used to having too much money.
- The difference between good quality and bad quality work for teens. It is good if it is real work that matters to others.
- How to communicate with teens, understanding their language.
- Connecting, maintaining independence within relationships
- How much and in what way parents should (and should not) criticise teens.
- Lectures given does not equal lectures received.
- Physical activity helps
- Helping teens to learn from bad experiences and face consequences like adults (as well as the bad experiences of their friends, and those shown in movies and books).
- Helping them to unlearn helplessness

5 principles for bringing adolescents into adulthood more successfully:
1. Include them
2. Go with the flow (tune in to their healthy adulthood-seeking motives)
3. Connect
4. Ramp up the challenge
5. Give it to them straight
www.GoodReadingGuide.com

[Ben Vogel · Rating 4 out of 5]

5 stars if what you read in here is new to you or you needed to be strongly reminded of how people used to raise children by challenging them with increasing responsibilities, trust, and inclusion to the adult world. 4 stars if you already knew this stuff but needed to be reassured that some modern researchers believe that it is more important than ever that society get back to this "old-fashioned" way of parenting. I enjoyed this book for the latter reason. I hope more people read this and enact it in their child-rearing. These concepts are more valid than ever, and I think they will save most people and their children lots of heartaches and difficulties.

[Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are tired of hearing about how teenagers are naturally rude, defiant, moody, and difficult and all you can do is just wait till they grow up, read this. The authors take a positive (but not completely unrealistic) approach. The book got a little slow & repetitive at times, as self-help books often do, but that might be in part because I was already on board with a lot of the suggestions before I read the book. I also would have appreciated more specific examples and suggestions because you can just never have too many of those in a parenting book.

[Ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this book 10 years ago...

[Gwen Nicodemus · Rating 5 out of 5]

The gist of this book is that adolescence has increased in time from a few years to decades. Kids no it, and they don't like it.

Along with John Gatto, the authors posit (with research backing them up) that meaningful work can turn around even the most difficult teen.

Even "good kids" can fall into the depression that accompanies the endless adolescence, so changing parenting startegy can help.

Some important tips for parenting adolescents include the following.

--If a kid can do a task, have the kid do the task. If the kid can't, teach the kid.

--Include teens in adult activities.

--Support teens as they seek to grow up.

--Build relationships with teens and help them build relationships with other adults.

--Keep the teens challenged.

--Be truthful with teens.

This book is good, and anyone with kids should read it.

[Shawna · Rating 4 out of 5]

The thing I liked most about this book is that it doesn't cast teenagers in the role of helpless victim. Instead, it views their energy, motivation by rewards, and underestimating of risks as unique tools that help them move into the adult world if they are given the right growth opportunities.

A lot of the advice mirrors the advice I got from a mom who has raised several successful teenagers of her own. "Let them practice making real decisions in small situations so they aren't overwhelmed when the big decisions come along". It also suggest helping them engage in the adult world so that they can make meaningful contributions and providing "scaffolding" so that they can successfully do tasks themselves instead of doing things for them.

[Jamie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book resonated with me in many ways and made me think differently about interactions I have with my son and my students, and how those might be even more effective. While the book was a bit repetitive in places, I thought the anecdotes were powerful, and I raised several discussions about the content with different people in my life. I am a bit wary about the My Teaching Partner program mentioned in one section, as there are not a lot of details offered and the tone there rings a bit false and hollow - as if it's a vague commercial - which is different from the solid emphasis about content in other parts of the book. Otherwise, I thought it was worth reading and discussing.

[Joseph Glass · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read a number of psychology books that struggle to find connections between their lab findings and real life, or instead make sweeping sensational claims that are nowhere near supported by actual science. This book has neither of those problems. It's the perfect blend of well-founded science, practicality, and application.
The writing is very accessible, the case studies useful and memorable, and the chapters address the modern pitfalls of how our society treats adolescence, as well as how to fix things on a societal and individual level.

[Qwerty · Rating 2 out of 5]

The main premise of this book is that adolescence is essentially "Lord of the Flies." Thus, to become adults adolescents need to be socialized by adults and not by other adolescents. The author mainly recommends treating adolescents like adults and exposing them to adult responsibilities, e.g., chores, volunteer work, jobs. While I agree with this message, I don't think that the book really broke any new ground.

[Tessa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Escaping the Endless Adolescence offered some interested takes on being a modern teen. While I enjoyed the general theme "Teens are capable of a lot more than society thinks and should be pushed into adulthood with (loving) help and support," the actual supporting arguements were repetitive and relatively limited on detail.

[Catherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This nonfiction book discusses how we are creating an endless adolescence for our teenagers by refusing to give them adult responsibilities. It definitely explained a phenomenon going on in our culture today with many parents. Good read, at times a bit monotonous, but I really got the message.

[Auntie Soni · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting thoughts. I am starting by having my teenagers take over their laundry, and letting them feel capable in other areas as well. As my sister Annette told me, "we all need to feel important and that we contribute." She is so smart.

[CaliNativeBalboa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this to be one of the best guides to parenting teenagers I've read in awhile. It's not preachy but provides insight and a course of action to help parents guide their teens from immaturity to maturity.

I must read for parents of teens!

[Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love, love, love this book on the power and potential of teenagers when we expect it of them. Can't wait to finish it.

[Andrea · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was assigned to read this book for my job. The problem with this book is that it is for parents to read, there is not much I can do with this book in my classroom outside of what I already do.

[Sheri Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful information for parents of teens who want them to grow up!

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Super interesting trends of elongating adolescence with interesting research.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Completely on board with the sentiments and concepts. However, I feel the book lacked in its discussion of practical methods for change.

[Lisa Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

The segment (chapter nine) on making high school more meaningful was worth the price of the book. Sure, I borrowed the book from the library...but still.

[Audra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Has affected my parenting, and reinforced my belief in homeschooling. Persuasive, well-documented, and common sense parenting with plenty of interesting history lessons to boot. Highly recommend.

[Ivy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought that this book had some really valuable points for parents of teenagers to think about. I don't generally enjoy this type of book, but found it to be well written and informative.

[Hilary · Rating 5 out of 5]

A subject I am fascinated by: how to help teenagers grow into responsible, independent adults! Loved it.

[Karin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting non-fiction. It gave me a lot to think about. Great read for anyone with teenagers or soon to be teenagers.

[Lindsay Smith-Munoz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book didn't just describe the problem, it supported descriptions with reference to scientific studies, and it gave really, practical solutions with examples to the problem of adolescents trapped into being children. I've read a few books on the topic, this was one of the best.

[Becca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good advice, a little long winded, but this book helped me to better understand my teenagers and a more effective way of helping them, so, that's a win.

[Liz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting and thought provoking. Teens are not driven by hormones but flounder due to lack of adult interaction, reference, and the chance to grow up. It's time to give your teens the responsibility to learn and live by mistakes they make, with guidance but not total control. Although American in its viewpoint, there is a lot of careful insight and case studies that also ring true in Europe. A must read for all parents with kids in their teens and a book that all educators should know by heart.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do we see irresponsible behavior among teenagers and adults because their brains are not yet fully developed? The problem, the authors say, is not nature, but nurture -- or lack of appropriate expectations.

[Emmkay · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a big fan of the writing style, but appreciate the sentiments.

[Renee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sound, practical advice for a very trying season!