Helping: How to Offer, Give, and Receive Help

by Edgar H. Schein

In this seminal book on helping, corporate culture and organizational development guru Ed Schein analyzes the dynamics of helping relationships, explains why help is often not helpful, and shows what any would-be-helper must do to insure that help is actually provided.Many words are used for helping -- assisting, aiding, advising, coaching, consulting, counseling, supporting, teaching, and many more -- but they all have common dynamics and processes. Schein exposes and shows how to resolve the inequities and role ambiguities of helping relationships, describes the different roles that helpers can take once the relationship is balanced, and explains how to build a balanced relationship and how to intervene as that relationship develops. In this short but profound book Schein examines the social dynamics that are at play in helping relationships in order to better understand why offers of help are sometimes refused or resented, and how to make help more helpful.

Genres: Nonfiction, Leadership, Business, Psychology, Management, Communication, Personal Development

192 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

Edgar Henry Schein is the Society of Sloan Fellows Professor of Management Emeritus and a Professor Emeritus at the MIT Sloan School of Management.

Schein investigates organizational culture, process consultation, research process, career dynamics, and organization learning and change. In Career Anchors, third edition (Wiley, 2006), he shows how individuals can diagnose their own career needs and how managers can diagnose the future of jobs. His research on culture shows how national, organizational, and occupational cultures influence organizational performance (Organizational Culture and Leadership, fourth edition, 2010). In Process Consultation Revisited (1999) and Helping (2009), he analyzes how consultants work on problems in human systems and the dynamics of the helping process. Schein has written two cultural case studies—“Strategic Pragmatism: The Culture of Singapore’s Economic Development Board” (MIT Press, 1996) and “DEC is Dead; Long Live DEC” (Berett-Kohler, 2003). His Corporate Culture Survival Guide, second edition (Jossey-Bass, 2009) tells managers how to deal with culture issues in their organizations.

Schein holds a BPhil from the University of Chicago, a BA and an MA in social psychology from Stanford University, and a PhD in social psychology from Harvard University.

From:http://mitsloan.mit.edu/faculty/detai...

Reviews

[Morgan Blackledge · Rating 4 out of 5]

UTTERLY CRUCIAL READ:

I'm a therapist and an educator. Reading this book was brutal in the sense that it made me painfully aware of my weaknesses as a helping professional. It was wonderful for the same reason. It provides a trans-theoretical framework of understanding the dynamics of the helping relationship at the process level.

I will be a more effective helper after reading the book and practicing the simple techniques it recommends. I didn't give it 5 stars however, due to the discursiveness of some of the writing. At times it lacked crystal clarity.

[Amir Rafiey · Rating 5 out of 5]

فارسی هم مرور داره تهش 😊
Fascinating book
In this book, Edgar Schein uses two metaphors to describe the helping process
One of them is social economics which means that you can not be indebted to someone. when you get to receive help, it will be painful. As a person who wants to give help to other people, you should be careful because your client (someone who receives help) will be under pressure.
If you want to have a better helping process, I strongly suggest you read this book (It only contains 160 pages)

به شدت کتاب خوبی بود
پیشنهاد میکنم که اگر میخواهید فرایند کمک کردن بهتری داشته باشید این کتاب رو بخونید
شاین توی این کتاب از استعاره های مختلفی استفاده یکیش اقتصاد اجتماعی هست که کسی دوست نداره از نظر اجتماعی زیر قرض کسی باشه
متاسفانه کتاب ترجمه نداره ولی خیلی متن سختی نداره
و البته که کتاب کوتاهی هست

[Yuval Yeret · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recently read Helping: How to Offer, Give, and Receive Help by Edgar Schein (actually I listened to it on Audible and then read it again on kindle to better process/digest). I can highly recommend it if you are interested in ways to become a more helpful consultant, manager, person - one who is able to actually help people/organizations rather than just dispense advice/suggestions. I'm not doing a full review of the book here but there are a couple of points I found very interesting in the relation between the Helping approach and the Kanban Method, which I wanted to put out there.

The key theme in the book is that in order to provide helpful help you need to be build the helping relationship - not jumping to the expert/doctor role of dispensing advise/diagnosing but first listening, understanding, working through what Schein calls Humble Inquiry which starts with Pure inquiry - understanding what is happening without trying to influence the client in any way. Only then moving to Diagnostic Inquiry which directs attention to other aspects in the story and Confrontational Inquiry which asks what-if questions thereby hinting at suggestions (which is close to the Doctor/Expert role).

"This kind of inquiry can best be described as accessing your ignorance and, because it is genuine inquiry, it is appropriate to call it humble. The helper becomes open to what may be learned through observation and careful listening. The helper’s expectations may be incorrect, and it is the helper’s willingness to accept new information that elicits trust and makes the client feel better about having a problem"

If we look at what we are trying to do with Kanban - it is quite similar. We start with understanding the system by visualizing it. Not trying to diagnose/probe too deeply before we understand - actually before the client/clients understand. Accessing our ignorance - we don't know HOW the system is working, we don't know how it SHOULD be working. Which is exactly what Schein is trying to do with process consulting - to build the understanding together, not be in a position to understand FOR the client but WITH the client. In Schein's perspective this not only minimizes the chance we will dispense generic advise based on our experience of similar events but will help to equilibarate the relationship between helper and helped - listening and respecting the situation helps the client/helped gain back "face" that he lost by asking for help. If we don't "bring the helped up" by doing this there is a chance he will "bring us down" by trying to be very critic and unaccepting of our suggestions by the way.

"Starting out in the process consultant role is the most likely to facilitate status equilibration and to reveal the information necessary to decide on what kind of help is needed and how best to provide it. Only when some level of trust has been established is it possible to get accurate information that allows the shift to the expert or doctor role. As the helping process proceeds, the helper may shift among all three roles many times as the situation demands."

This humble inquiry approach is also aligned with our approach towards management workshops in AgileSparks. Our instincts over the years pointed us away from diagnosing and presenting solutions and towards a more humble exploration of the system/context in parallel to presenting some useful patterns like Kanban, Scrum, ATDD. I try to emphasize the diagnostic role of these patterns/frameworks and the fact that even when we go out of the room with a decision to do something, it is basically a continuation of this "humble inquiry" (I didn't use the term until today obviously...). We are obviously shifting roles from process consultant to doctor and expert and one of my main takeaways is to be more conscious about the role I'm playing and whether it is the effective/helpful one at the moment. I'm definitely jumping to the doctor/expert one faster than I should - and I will try to work on that using some tips and tricks from the book.

To summarize - and as I answered Bob (Marshall) yesterday - this book leaves me: startled (discovering new perspectives of how I'm doing things), a bit ashamed (for being more of a Doctor/Expert), alert (to the potential of being more helpful using this approach) , curious (about whether I can actually leverage it and what will happen if I do), rejuvenated (by getting a fresh perspective to something so core to my work). So bottom line the Helping book was quite helpful.

[Reinhardt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anyone in the helping professions should read this book, that includes doctors, lawyer, consultants, teachers, therapists, etc; also those who are on teams or have to work with other; and anyone who has a relationship with another person should read this. That means you.

The book begins with an outline of the helping relationship and the one-up or one-down dynamic. He then talks about the three helping roles: expert, doctor, and process help. An expert has special knowledge or skill that the client doesn’t have, the doctor diagnoses and prescribes, the process help assists the client with navigating the problem in need of help. Helping should begin with the helper in the process role.

Mr. Schein then gets to the key to good helping, humble inquiry. He has an excellent book called Humble Inquiry that provides more detail, but here he sketches the framework of humble inquiry. Begin with pure inquiry, which is open ended. When enough background has been shared, proceed with diagnostic inquiry. Diagnostic inquiry delves into feelings, reactions, causes, motivations, actions taken and contemplated, as well as questions about the context and effects on the system. Then, if trust is established, engage in confrontational inquiry. This involves asking why certain actions were taken and not others, as well as pushing back with possible prescriptions.

Once Schein establishes the basics of humble inquiry, he works through some helpful cases to illustrate with some concrete examples. He then turns to team formation and after action feedback. Establishing team roles is foundational to success of teams as is effective feedback. Effective feedback is feedback that is solicited, concrete and specific, matches shared goals, and is descriptive rather than evaluative.

He then covers the sticky area of help and leadership. How and when to help subordinates, how to help leaders, how to create and environment of mutual helping. He defines leadership as setting goals and helping people reach them. He explore implementing change (a leader’s core activity) in the context of help. Essentially, people should be helped not coerced.

He concludes by providing 6 principle of help along with some specific tips. For those, read the book!

This quick sketch doesn’t capture Edgar Schein’s superb presentation contained in this 150 page book. He is a world class expert on helping and teaching other how to offer, give and receive help. We will all be better people at home and at work if we build these ideas into our daily interactions.

[Cliff Hazell · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you work in leadership, change or consulting, this book offers excellent insights in how to be a more effective helper.

[Eugene · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whether it be taking long term care of the elderly, team building, mentoring it even just helping a spouse pick the right evening dress, this book is absolutely enlightening and essential to providing help that is wanted and dignifying. Schein very clearly defines and frames helping as an essential social process and duly dissects this process and the agents involved to knife-point precision in an extremely concise manner.

The advice dispensed throughout the books aren't always in the form of memorable anecdotes, but they are thoroughly convincing and easy to try. If you're looking to improve the quality of help you give in daily life without all the psychological mumbo jumbo, Schein's your man. His solutions are not only beautifully simple, but also are routinely explained and brought up time and again to help you try it out in your own life. One of the greatest strengths of the solutions mentioned is that they're all highly applicable despite being so counterintuitive.

Schein's flair for empathy and assistance shines throug concise, to-the-point writing. Being an expert at dignified help, I trust the style of this book embodies that philosophy. He almost seems to hate wasting time writing unnecessary chapters as much as you hate wasting time reading them. Highly relatable and understandable, claims are almost always backed up with personal examples to ground them in reality.

I'm personally excited to try many of the suggestions in the book and I think anyone living in a society of people should at least try reading this gem once. It pays to know how you might be helping people wrong all this time, and I trust amending and improving one's helping process will be infinitely valuable to your life.

[Paul Bard · Rating 5 out of 5]

A little masterpiece on the art of reciprocity!

I took so many notes from this and found it tremendously helpful.

Xxx

I reread this four years later and found it has transformed my helping interactions in the meantime.

Here’s 3 powerful quotes from Schein’s book “Helping.”

1. “The trap for the helper is to move too rapidly to solutions, to provide advice or guidance on the hypothetical problem and, thereby, cut off the opportunity to learn what the real problem might be.
Working the hypothetical problem does little to equilibrate the relationship.”

2. “Once the helper feels that the relationship is on an even keel, the conversation can evolve into much deeper areas without risking defensiveness because the client is now an active learner and welcomes input. "Even keel" does not necessarily mean that the two parties are literally of equal status…the signals that this is happening are subtle. Clients become more active in diagnosing their own stories. The tone of voice changes and the content becomes more assertive. Self-blame or blame of others declines and objective analysis increases.”

3. “I have found that especially with professional helpers or over-zealous friends it is important to interrupt their often well-meaning efforts to keep helping well past the time when it was helpful. The helper has no way of knowing if the client does not tell him when it is time to switch roles.”

[Jade Lauron · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a book of one person's observations, granted, that person is an educated "expert" but it's still just a person. Maybe that's why the field of psychology and sociology is so fuzzy. One could argue that Freud was just one person, but then one could also argue how wrong he was on so many different things. If you read thirty similar books on the same topic, all by different people, then you'd probably have a vast treasure trove of knowledge in your head, but I'm skeptical of saying I've learned something from the meanderings of just one person, especially when that person goes on and on against being in the type of helping roles that a lecturer-leader would place themselves in, in favor of one rooted in questions and inquiry, then writes a lecturing kind of book, rather than one full of self-searching questions.

If you can't take and use your own advice, what value should I place in it?

I much prefer books with references to many sociological experiments (and these do exist) rather than what one person observes and relates anecdotally. I can always prove my own theories via anecdotes; it doesn't mean I'm right. Just because psychology is a "soft" sort of science doesn't mean it isn't a science.

[Emanuel Steininger · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was my second book of Edgar Schein, after Humble Inquiry. I would recommend it to everyone who wants to understand the fundamentals of a helping relationship. Which roles can a helper play? Expert, Doctor or process consultant? And when is which role appropriate?

The book became most helpful in the last two chapters, where he get more practical about helping organisations and teams and when he shared his core principles.

My 3 key learnings:

1) no matter how help is offered, the person receiving help always feels one level below the helper. The goal of the helper is to get the other person up on the same level again to establish a more constructive and motivating environment of equality and joint efforts.

2) help is only effective when the client is open for it. There is no point in offering help before the need for help is felt in the client.

3) subcultures within organizations are not per se bad, but rather unavoidable. They are called „Practical Drifts“ and a natural consequence of different personalities, circumstances, experience and known best practices, all used to find the most effective way to solve a problem. So instead of labeling different approaches as good or bad, understand their origin and intention.

[Nick Geiser · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book that I should have finished a long time ago. Relevant for anyone who isn’t a hermit— even hermits might find it useful! In a sentence, Schein’s key point is that there is a tendency to think of “helping” as a transaction and overlook how “helping” creates a particular relationship between people. It changed the way I thought about helping and I recommend it constantly now to my friends and peers.

[Philipp · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tiefe Insights in Warum wir helfen. Viele Modelle und Ansätze die gut verständlich dargelegt sind.

[Stephen · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I've often though that business books on teamwork and organization provided information that was useful for personal life, and that some books on family life provided insight into business relationships, the book explicitly covers both dimensions. Helping is universal, and while business-related helping has some differences, there is more in common than not. This book sill sit on my shelf next to The Secrets of Consulting, and Management 3.0: Leading Agile Developers, Developing Agile Leaders. (I found this book via a mention in the latter book). This also seems like a book where a physical copy would be particularly good to have around. This book also has a very pragmatic approach and is a relatively quick, enjoyable read.

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very interesting book that tries to deconstruct the relationship that forms between helper and client when help is request or received. Every one goes through such relationships some smaller, like asking for directions on the street, to larger like hiring a consultant to help with specific things in your company. Without going into details in this review, a special imbalance forms between helper and client when they go into a helping relationship and failing to understand this imbalance impacts how successful the relationship is.

[Frank Calberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Takeaways from reading the book:

Examples of words used for helping:
Advising. Consulting. Recommending. Giving. Supplying.
Teaching. Explaining. Showing. Guiding. Improving.
Facilitating. Steering. Catalyzing.
Coaching. Care giving. Handing.

Examples of roles a helper can take:
1. An expert who provides information.
2. A doctor who diagnoses and prescribes.
3. A process consultant who focuses on building an equitable relationship and clarifies what kind of help is needed.

[Rafael · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good one, will re read, hidden gold mine.

[Ash K · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have you ever fallen into a situation where you were reckoning how to politely decline the offer of unsolicited help from others or how not to present your face or attitude unsatisfied with unhelpful advice? To be honest, I have. I think this is the case for everyone (I truly believe!). Yet, I also realize that I would give officious and unhelpful help to someone...

I finally finished reading this book I bought several years ago when I worked as a management consultant, and looked for some books useful for improving my English reading skills and advancing my professional skills. Even now, when I have already changed my career, I realize that we are living a life full of helping--among family, friends, companies, communities, customer services, teachers and students, etc. We cannot live our day-to-day lives without help. That being said, this book is great guidance for me to reckon the art and philosophy of helping from scratch regardless of the situation. The author structuralized the innate essence of helping and the methodology of helping step by step with several cases that would possibly happen to readers. It was very HELPFUL to understand what made me comfortable/uncomfortable when I gave/received help.

Do you ask the Right Questions at the Right Timing?
According to the author, when we are about to provide help, we should consider the dynamics between the person offering help and the person being helped. If the helper asks confrontational or bold questions before the relationship becomes close, the attempt to help might fail. The delicate relationship between helper and client is changeable. The helper should have the courage to allow them to step back from a stage where they actively offer advice to a stage where they build trust when they find the client does not communicate openly with them.
The most meaningful lesson I learned is the possibility of making the client uncomfortable when the helper does not read the relationship appropriately. By nature, offering help makes the client one down compared with the helper (makes the client feel impotent, I could also say "being defamed.") Building trust is an imperative step to equilibrate the imbalanced relationship.

Helping Relationship among a team - What about the COVID era?
In particular, I liked chapter 7, which focuses on helping in a team. The first thing, a great team relying on helpful relationships has reciprocal trustworthiness. To achieve teamwork, all the members should be aware of each role and capable of carrying out what they should do, based on mutual acceptance. As I have always been wondering how to provide feedback in my career, this chapter says that feedback would not work well unless it is solicited (not imposed), specific, concrete, targeted to a team goal, and descriptive (not evaluative).
It should be noted that the author argues the effectiveness of help at a distance through electric communication depends on if the relationships have been built in advance. In a situation where even the communication methods are restricted to electric communication, such as calling and writing, one touchstone is the presence or absence of the desire to be helpful, which can be measured by the length and detailedness of writing and the tone of the voice.
I am intrigued by how the author would speak about relationship building during the COVID era. I did rudimentary dest-top research, but I, unfortunately, have not found any articles Prof. Shein published related to this.

As I am newly starting a job in a team, I would like to remember the below quote from time to time.
"The person passing the baton appreciates that the next runner is not starting too fast before the baton is passed; and the next runner appreciates the baton being firmly planted in his or her hand. No matter how good any one runner is, if the baton does not get passed, the result is failure".

[Kristina]

Pp. 212-213:
Yet when one examines successful change programs one always finds that somewhere in the change process there was a critical period where targets became clients. Throughout an organizational change effort, the helpers roll shifts back and forth constantly between process consultant and expert/doctor. As the project proceeds, the helper hast to function as a process consultant to build a new relationship with each new client. With clients where that relationship has already been built, the helper can play more of an expert/doctor role. The trap is to forget the need to become a process consultant once again with a new client emerges. The helper’s understanding of organizational dynamics is a crucial area of expertise that has to be shared throughout the period of relationship building.
A critical aspect of leader ship is the ability to accept help and the ability to give help to others in the organization. Because organizations are sets of subcultures, leaders must always accept that nothing will change until they understand the culture of the group in which the behavioral changes are to be made. In that regard they must be able to except help in deciphering culture. Leaders must also understand that they are a part of the organization, and that any changes in the organization will inevitably involve changes in themselves. In that sense they are clients as well as initiators of the change effort.
As leaders interact with others, they must realize that the best way to improve the organization is to create an environment of mutual help and to demonstrate their own helping skills in their dealings with others in the organization. Though it may seem counterintuitive to see one’s subordinates as clients who have to be helped to succeed in their job, in fact, this is the most appropriate way to lead an organization. One way to define leadership, then, is to say that it is both a process of setting goals and helping others (subordinates) to achieve those goals.

[Vanessa Princessa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Actual rating: 3,5 stars

I read this book thanks to Blinkist.

The key message in these blinks:

Social dynamics complicate the way we help each other. When we receive help, we suffer a loss of status and self-esteem, while providing help gives us the upper hand in a way that can be counterproductive. To successfully assist others, we should be sensitive to these dynamics. As help-givers, it’s best to inquire with humility about the problems we’re attempting to solve.

Actionable advice:

Keep checking if your help is still required
When you’re helping someone, check periodically whether your help is proving useful or not. You don’t need to overdo it, but it’s good to keep an open line of communication. This will ensure that you provide the right kind of assistance, and it’ll also save you from wasting time and energy on a futile endeavor. Helping your child with their math homework? Make sure that it’s really necessary – and that you’re not doing it just to prove that you can still do long division!

What to read next:

Radical Candor, by Kim Scott

As you’ve learned, the best way to help others is to listen effectively to their concerns and respond fluently. This is valuable advice for those in management positions – the best leaders always know when to take advice and when to lead.
If you’re looking to establish a productive, open work environment for your employees, we highly recommend the blinks to Radical Candour by Kim Scott. Here, you’ll find the tools to get the best out of everyone under your supervision and learn to be the kind of boss your employees will be proud to follow.

[Jean M · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another wonderful thought provoking book by Schein who articulates so well the dance we perform any time we help others or are helped by others.

I very much enjoyed Schein's books Humble Inquiry and Humble Leadership and was curious about Helping. Having read and listened to much advice about giving and receiving feedback, I felt this book would compliment well. As always, he does a great job of very clearly sharing a vocabulary and sequence of action that only a trained professional could do. It's like having a little voice in your head narrating how helping works. He goes on to speak about very simple helping opportunities and ends with some more complex organizational culture changes.

This books works especially well for practitioners who want useful tips and tools. Don't get me wrong, there's enough theory and research around, but he gets to the concret pretty quickly. And, like his other books, he has a very tight summary at the end of each paragraph that does a great job of recapping the essence of the chapter. The final chapter is like a cheat sheet with clear and simple tips. I'll be creating something useful with this very soon.

In all, a great little read that is jam-packed with insight. We help those around us constantly. We also get help from others constantly. Thinking about those relationships and those occasions is worthwhile. I have a feeling I'll be back checking out notes about this book before long to imcrementally improve my "helper" and "client" helping skills.

[Tarek Omran · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every thought of yourself as a helpful person? Think again, because you might be doing more harm than good.

"Helping" by Edgar Schein isn't your typical self-help book. It's more of a 'help to help' guide that serves as an eye-opener to all those well-meaning folks out there inadvertently making a mess of things.

Schein's got a knack for turning our preconceptions upside-down, like a magician pulling rabbits out of hats. You think you're the knight in shining armor swooping in to save the day? Think again! You might just be the villain of the story, trampling over people's self-esteem and fostering dependence.

The book brilliantly dissects the roles we play in helping scenarios, from the all-knowing doctor to the 'I-have-all-the-solutions' consultant. It's like walking into a party where every character is a different version of you!

Schein shared a powerful concept of the one-upmanship and 'one-down' feeling will have you wondering if you've ever made someone feel that way. But worry not! Schein is here to transform you from an unintentional antagonist to a respectful and empowering helper.

So, if you're ready to change your helping game, buckle up for this rollercoaster ride. It might be a tad repetitive at times, but hey, who doesn't enjoy a good mantra? Dive in, and you'll emerge on the other side a better listener, a more humble human, and a genuinely helpful helper. Guaranteed to be the most fun you've ever had while learning to be a better person!

[D. H. · Rating 4 out of 5]

You’re going strong, pushing all these reviews out on the last day of the year. Keep it up.
Thanks. That’s really nice coming from me.

OK. What’s this one about?
It’s about helping.

I figured.
Let me finish. You know you have a stutter.

Oh, you’re going to play that card, are you?
This is about helping, and the author really breaks down what it means to help. He calls help a relationship between a helper and a client, and he explains how complicated such a relationship can be.

Can you give an example?
Sure. When a person needs help, they have to ask for it and become a client, which means they lose standing in comparison to the helper. So the helper has to be careful not to damage the dignity of the person they intend to help.

That does sound complicated.
It is. In addition, helpers have to truly listen to clients to ensure they’re genuinely helping and not just doing what they believe is best. The author provides strategies for handling different situations, and the writing is clear and straightforward.

Who would you recommend this to?
People with coworkers who always need help but are too proud to ask for it.

[Nick · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is my first self-help book read. If all self-help books are like this, I probably can't continue. Digesting the vast amount of content is overwhelming. In most story-based books, a person can listen to on 1.8x speed or higher and not miss a beat. A person could read relatively fast and still ascertain a full picture of even the most complex plots. However, this book was very dense with info. I immediately slowed the audio narrative to 1.2x speed and while that was fine...there was still so much stuff to comprehend. Every sentence had important details. Imagine you were in a lecture for university. You take notes because just listening to the lecture, you won't grasp everything in that moment and be able to apply it in the future. Throughout this book, I felt like I should be taking notes as I'm listening. I mean...maybe I should have? Maybe that's what it's all about when reading self-help books. Reading/listening, taking notes, reflecting, etc. I dunno. The book isn't bad. It's incredible and I learned a lot. But I feel like I'd need to do a dozen re-reads in order to capture all the important aspects

[V Massaglia · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Help in the broadest sense is, in fact, one of the most important currencies that flow between members of society because help is one of the main ways of expressing love and other caring emotions that humans express.”

“Check out your own emotions and intentions before offering, giving, or receiving help.”

“Remember that the person requesting your help may feel uncomfortable, so make sure to ask what the client really wants and how you can best help.”

“The point is that no matter what you do or don’t do, you are sending signals; you are intervening in the situation and therefore need to be mindful of that reality. Unless you are invisible you cannot help but communicate, so your choice of communication should be based on what kind of intervention you intend.”

“When you are giving feedback, try to be descriptive and minimize judgment.”

“In building the helping relationship, encouragement—via positive reinforcement—certainly seems appropriate. But if it is not sensitively handled, such encouragement can quickly become patronizing and insulting.

[Jennifer Cunningham · Rating 3 out of 5]

Edgar Schein does a good job of breaking if down the social and psychological constructs between two individuals connected to help one or the other or simultaneously help each other. There are thorough explanations and practical explanations with real-world examples. He focuses on the process of helping as well as the process of asking and receiving help. And stresses the various levels and importance of reciprocity. While the tools presented can be used for virtually any situation, Schein seemed to present professional and client relationships more than personal. I would like to find another book focused more on interpersonal relationships with family, friends, and acquaintances more than on those relationships where money or pedigree or social status add additional bias to the helping vs. helped roles.

[Martti · Rating 2 out of 5]

Social dynamics complicate the way we help each other. When we receive help, we suffer a loss of status and self-esteem, while providing help gives us the upper hand in a way that can be counterproductive. To successfully assist others, we should be sensitive to these dynamics. As help-givers, it’s best to inquire with humility about the problems we’re attempting to solve.

Actionable advice:

Keep checking if your help is still required. Check periodically whether your help is proving useful or not. This will ensure that you provide the right kind of assistance, and it’ll also save you from wasting time and energy on a futile endeavor. Helping your child with their math homework? Make sure that it’s really necessary – and that you’re not doing it just to prove that you can still do long division!

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short and insightful for everyone wanting to improve their relationships especially those in careers that involve helping others (e.g., managers, coaches, teachers). It talks about three types of helping:
1- expert mode: consultants who help gather information and provide services
2- doctor/professional: an extension to the first type but including diagnosis, prescription, and solution implementation
3- inquiry: asking questions to find what kind of help is needed.

He argues that starting from the third type is the best way (FYI men) to establish a relationship and an understanding of the help needed.

He also talks about different mistakes helpers and clients make in a helping relationship.

Overall a very brief and insightful book that I'd recommend to anyone interested in being helpful.

[Kai Weber · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short and concise essay of an elderly social scientist who condenses his experiences and thoughts about helping relationships in different social contexts (family, acquaintances, strangers, professional and business) and distills the common essence of the helping relationship into a useful typology. He extrapolates a limited number of roles that a helper can take - process consultant, expert / doctor, critic, ... - and gives reasonable hints at what moments of the helping process which role might be the most appropriate. This book helps you reflect on your own helping behavior and can get you into analyzing why your well-intentioned attempts at helping often go wrong. If it actually lead you to improve that is certainly up to you yourself.

[Robert · Rating 2 out of 5]

Depressing at first.

Do you fully understand the situation?

Have you accessed your ignorance?

Is your relationship with the client strong enough for you to give advice?

Does the consultant understand the situation and process abstractly and socially?

Will the consultant accept confrontation?

If you answered no to any of these questions, go back to the first question.

Bringing in a consultant affects the social situation, and can turn into a confrontation between the consultant and the party being consulted.

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helping
- The roles we learn - it is a theater, in the beginning we are tought not to lie. But once a kid sees a fat person and tells parents „Oh, that person is very fat.“, parents tell the kid to lie/not say that.
- importance of trust - social trade value, it is always an exchange
- ubalance - has to be managed - doctor and patient need to work on trust
- working in team requires to know each other’s position and also, work on trust (eg. dinner)
- so not overdo, help when asked after a consideration - can you provide what’s needed?

Interesting point of view on relationships

[Daniel Mosby · Rating 3 out of 5]

Useful insights but a bit long winded at times.

At the beginning and towards the middle of this book I found many useful ideas and insights I could apply to my own helping roles in life, and many new ways of looking at old situations.

Unfortunately as it went on I found it to become quite repetitive and dogmatic, and probably 80-90% of the book could be condensed into what was written in the final “principles” chapter.

Nevertheless I’ve gleaned plenty of learning points from this and don’t regret reading it.