What do you think?
Rate this book


384 pages, Hardcover
First published January 17, 2023
He was permanently off-colour, a master of the pre-curtain fart, and was once ejected from the Statue of Liberty by the tour guide for yelling that he'd 'never been this far up a woman'.
My brother had two tattooed acquaintances, one of whom got his nickname, 'Yelram Bob', from the drunk forehead tattoo he'd given himself in the mirror; the other got his tat on holiday, at an all-night Malaga ink shop. The Spanish tattooist made a fine job of following his beer-mat instructions to the letter, though, and his forearm bears a perfectly spelled 'Scotland The Brave', under a lovely illustration of our national flower, the pineapple.
Space Dust did the opposite and was ordnance for your face, and actually crushed and snorted by the brave. Space Dust was later banned following the entirely false story that a kid had exploded in gym class when she combined several bags in her stomach with a can of Fanta. This experiment was, of course, aggressively pursued while the stuff still remained on sale. (The theme of extracting more danger than necessary from an already edgy practice is a Dundee cultural meme. My brother would occasionally execute 'The Lochee Slammer'. where you snort the salt, squeeze the lime juice in your eye, drink the tequila, and go to the hospital.)
"In those days the bass trombone had an additional seventh position, one only within the reach of basketball players, statistically few of whom are also brass specialists. But mortals could reach the bottom note by flinging the slide out to a full arm's extension, and then additionally fling out a little ornamentally tooled handle, which would afford you the extra four inches you needed for your deep contra-parp. Anyway, appalled by my up-note, I determined to really make up for it on the descent: I made a gratifying growly downward slide, like a fat motorboat speeding past your ear - then flung the handle out to end on a bing Alpine blart. Only I failed to catch it, and the trombone slide shot off the end, whistled past the ear of the French horn in front of me, and clattered to the floor six feet away. This all took place over about two seconds, which lasted about an hour, hence the detail. To be clear, then: the effect was basically '[Up]-YODELLED FART-[down]-BLAAAAAARRRRGHHHH-shite-CRASH'.