Oh my God... I bought the boxset of this series.... how could I have done this??
Ugh... I mean it's not like I haven't done this before. I bought the City Trilogy by Darren Shan all at once for around the same price and I ended up hating those books too. But at least with the first book of the City Trilogy I could see the promise in the series and could enjoy the unique vibes it gave.
With this though... I really can't see any promise for this series. At all. It just failed on every level. I just can't imagine it getting any better, because this was a relatively long book for a 9-12 age demographic and I gave it plenty of chances to improve, and it just kept on making me shake my head, scoff, laugh derisively, and rub my forehead in irritation from the headaches the sheer awfulness of this book was giving me (I would have facepalmed if I hadn't been wearing glasses). I wish I'd recorded down every thought I'd had while reading this book because I feel like it is my duty to point out every single flaw this book has, sentence by sentence, so that other readers like me - people who care about originality, character development, complex writing and well-paced plotting, rather than people who are happy with whatever they are given so long as they've got enough characters to ship - will spare themselves from even giving this series a thought. I obviously can't stop everyone from reading because, well, people can enjoy what they want and because they clearly already have: just look at all those five-star ratings. But I wish I'd trusted my instincts and believed the one-star reviews I'd read prior to buying this.
My only excuse was that I was desperate to like this series, because I have been without a new fantasy series to obsess over for far too long (heck it's been awhile since I've read any new book I immediately wanted to give a five-star rating). Also the fact that there was only one bookstore I knew that even had this series (and only as a boxset) made me a bit more confident in it, since books I absolutely refuse to read like The Mortal Instruments or anything by John Green are everywhere while books I think are masterpieces are pushed out of sight. In other words, I was expecting a hidden gem.
I don't know whether my pickyness has to do with me getting too old and tastes changing - I'll have to wait for my 13-year-old sister's opinion on this book once she gets around to reading it - but I honestly feel like fantasy/adventure novels of this generation in general are a completely lost cause. Because I still enjoy books I read eight years ago, and I kept bringing up these books in my mind to compare with while I was reading, and seeing exactly why they were better.
For instance - Sophie having to leave her family. She's given the choice to either erase her family's memory of her ever existing and thereby sparing them the pain of her disappearing forever, or of having them believe her dead. Sophie, of course being the selfless paradigm, chooses the former option, and we're treated to a very rushed scene of her tearfully saying goodbye to them before charging out of the house, in order to start her new life as a magical elf. This entire setup put me in mind of the Cirque du Freak series, also by Darren Shan, where Darren (the protagonist, not the author), after accepting his doomed life as a half-vampire is forced to stage his own death in order to run away from his own family. But the difference between Darren and Sophie's cases are 1) Darren had been blackmailed into becoming a half-vampire in the first place and had no desire to give up his old life, 2) he had actually tried his best to stay with his family prior to agreeing to fake his death, until coming to the realization that that would be impossible without putting them in danger, 3) there was a good long while before this development in which we actually got to see what Darren's life was like as a normal kid, getting to know a bit about his friends and his sister and parents, making the separation much more impactful, and 4) we were treated to an entire heart-wrenching chapter where Darren got to make sure his last day with his family was a good one, as well as his funeral.
Putting aside the fact for a minute that, unlike Harry Potter - whose life with the Dursley's was one anyone would have wanted to escape as soon as given the chance - Sophie didn't really have much of a reason to leave her family behind after only two days of discovering she was an elf (aside from feeling out of place at her school, where she's a genius, which you know, of course makes everyone treat her like a freak because smart people are weird), Sophie's situation is not nearly as relatable as Darren's because from the first chapter the plot was already falling into a familiar pattern: "Hey you, you're not a normal human, you're magical! And in fact you're special even among the other magical people! Here's proof of magic and here's the place you're going to to train once you've left your family behind! Hurry it up, the real juicy stuff happens at the magic school, can't waste time establishing how painful leaving your dull uninteresting life behind must be for you!"
Now to be fair, Darren had an entire single 270+ page book dedicated to his life-style change, but that was precisely what made it good - it took the time to let you care about the MC and sympathize with his predicament. With Sophie it's just a sort of mark at the top of a long checklist - not to mention that the author's establishment of Sophie's oh-so-specialness right from the first chapter before we know anything else about her contrarily backfired and immediately made me dislike her: "Garwin was still bitter Yale had offered her a full scholarship". Oh please.
Now the story of her settling in with her new adoptive family might have been a strong subplot, if it weren't for the fact that not once throughout the book did it feel like the new parents, Grady and Edaline, were even making an attempt to connect with their foster (pun intended) daughter. I don't know what made Alden think a reclusive, depressed couple that has obviously not gotten over the death of their real daughter would make good parents to a girl with Sophie's special background. We don't really see any bonding scenes between them, just this constantly somber and awkward atmosphere. By the end of the book I was really rooting for Sophie to stay with the Vackers instead because at least they were more cheerful and we got to know them to some extent and, more importantly, they would have done a better job at keeping Sophie under wraps (my God but does this girl get into trouble... more on that in a bit.)
Next we have the magical world that Sophie is whisked away to, the world of elves! And... dinosaurs. Ughhh.
Okay so I'm not one of those people who read Harry Potter in their young adult life and zeroed in on the whimsical silliness that predominated the first book, which I guess most of us missed the first time we read it back when we were beginners to the fantasy genre. But you know, at least when Rowling was introducing her fantasy world, it actually had a certain amount of consistency and made sense: when you've got a world of witches and wizards, it's not strange that they use flying broomsticks in a sports game, owls to deliver messages, cauldrens to brew potions, and wands to cast magic. These are all things we already associate with witches and wizards. After she had these set into the foundation of the world we took it in stride when Rowling started introducing more unique and sometimes even ridiculous scenarios such as travelling via fireplace (Santa Claus was a wizard...?) or even entering a building through a toilet bowl, possibly the pinnacle of weird, random, and somewhat stupid that was reached in the Harry Potter series.
When I think of elves, however, there's not much that comes to mind outside of Tolkien's immortal beauties other than pointy hats and shoes and a mystical forest. So Messenger made her elves all impossibly gorgeous vegetarians (except they've got plants that taste like hamburgers and pizza.... I'm freaking serious), and have long life-spans. But they also travel by light beams, and have extra-sensory perception like telekinesis and telepathy and truth detecting and... talking to machines even though it seems like technology is a human thing that amuses them... And apparently they take care of dinosaurs, like the T-Rex, even though it looks nothing like the human image of a T-Rex and therefore can't even really be said to be a T-Rex since humans were the ones who studied dinosaurs and gave them their names (unless they somehow assembled the bones all wrong... I don't know it wasn't made very clear). Elves, unlike humans, are all morally perfect beings with higher IQ's who do not discriminate based on wealth, since they all have the same amount of money (a lot), but, for some reason, still have social statuses. They know nothing of murder, kidnapping, arson, slavery, or any of the other evil activities humans like to partake in. Oh yeah, and students who attend Foxfire (the Hogwarts of the story) have to lick a panel next to their locker for it to open. Apparently it's for DNA matching... I guess fingerprint scanning was beyond the brilliant minds of the elf scientists (or, magicians, or... I don't know, they don't believe in science, but they don't call it magic either, so I'm lost).
So there's two major things that bugged me about Messenger's take on elves slash the way she set up her fantasy world, one being that there was absolutely no reason to call them elves in the first place. They're ESPers that live a long time. Nothing about them is particularly elvish (except, get this, that instead of becoming white-haired and wrinkly their ears turn pointy when they get older... *snorts down laughter*), so all it looked like to me was that Messenger was trying to find a new gimmick no one else had used yet, without actually caring about the lore behind it or at least attempting to make it sound plausible. Basically she did with elves what Stephenie Meyer did with vampires - whatever the hell she wanted.
The second thing that irked me was the humans-are-inferior factor that usually predominates fantasy fiction like this; where the race of magical being our protagonist discovers they're a part of either look down on humans as weak and pathetic, see them as evil irredeemable creatures that destroy the planet, or laughably know little to next to nothing about humans despite living in a world populated by them. Keeper of the Lost Cities sits comfortably between the second and third camps, and it is just as irritating here whenever you run across a sentence along the lines of "because humans polluted the planet" or "that's a human idea" as it was in Meyer's The Host. However, given that the elves hid their cities and forbade citizens from crossing over to the 'Forbidden Cities', as the human world is called, I'm more forgiving towards elf characters reacting toward human devices and customs as though they belonged to an alien race from another planet, and it never went as extreme as in Harry Potter, where it made even less sense given that wizards interacting with muggles seemed much more common.
It's just, I much rather prefer a fantasy series that either makes the world entirely fictional, like Septimus Heap, or is set in the real world where the magical beings live like ordinary people, using mobile phones and driving cars, but use their magic in secret like in Skulduggery Pleasant. It makes things so much less complicated and contrived.
Now let's turn to the cast of characters, and I'm going to stop the Harry Potter comparisons right here because other people have already called this an HP ripoff, even though, try as I did not to nitpick, I couldn't escape some of the scene-for-scene copy-pasting (like meeting the resident Draco Malfoy character in a shop while getting school supplies). I will however continue bringing up Stephenie Meyer's Twilight as a prime example of a terrible book, because it dawned on me half-way through reading that this was actually the book Keeper of the Lost Cities resembled, whether intentionally or not, and I felt very pleased with myself. Introducing the vampires of ForksFire high school: Dex, the guy who immediately sticks to our female lead as her first guy friend who crushes on her, i.e. Mike Newton; Marella, the girl who immediately sticks to our female lead as her first girl friend, who's gossipy and doesn't seem to actually care about the new girl other than trying to get in on the attention, i.e. Jessica; Stina, the girl who takes an immediate dislike towards the MC for no real reason other than that she's getting all the attention, a bully complete with two nameless goons (who appear for one page and have no lines), i.e. that one girl who I think was supposed to be the bully in Twilight except all she did was glare from a distance and I couldn't care less what her name was; Keefe, the jokester best friend of the resident hot guy who keeps poking fun at the new girl, i.e. Emmet Cullen; and Fitz, who to his credit is nowhere near as creepy or disgustingly 'perfect' as Edward but who doesn't really have much else going for him other than that he's hot and talented and generally a nice guy and our MC's got a crush on him (which she of course denies). Throw in a whole host of teachers (not nearly enough for one-on-one classes for an entire student body in my opinion), of which the only stand-outs are Sir Tiergan and Lady Galvin, whom it is not fair to call the 'Severus Snape' of the series just because she teaches the subject our MC is worst at, because Snape was a legitimate scumbag teacher and Lady Galvin is actually within her rights of being a little annoyed with Sophie given that the girl blows up her office almost every lesson and tried to cheat on her exam, and is completely justified in failing Sophie when no one else would because she's the exception. You've got Fitz's sister whose name I've forgotten for the moment (I really hate made-up names...), another character who outright hates Sophie at the beginning for no reason because with a protag like this, every other character has to either love or hate her, (although it turns out this character does have a reason, somewhat, and eventually comes around to the MC's side after extended interaction). What looks like was going to be an animal companion character, an imp, is also introduced, but the first time we see it it's unconscious and we're not told exactly when it wakes up or if it does anything special and the next time we see it it's kind of just hanging out in the bedroom, not doing anything a dog wouldn't do. You've got a council of elders, or whatever, one of whom, Bronte, after just one scene with Sophie is made out to have this irrational prejudice against her, so that every time a sentence along the lines of "she hoped Bronte wouldn't use this as an excuse to get her exiled" popped up I'd just sit there thinking "I know he gave you a bad impression but exactly why do you think this guy's got it in for you this much?", until the end where we see him again and apparently yes, he does just have this irrational prejudice against Sophie because, again, she's that kind of protagonist.
And finally we have Sophie. Again, to her credit, not as awful as Bella, but still serving essentially the same purpose - just to be the protagonist that everyone is obsessed with and to whom things happen to. I really can't stand these types of MC's anymore; the kind with the most basic of personalities, that aside from filling the role of MC might as well not be in the story, because she does little to forward the plot under her own volition aside from simply existing. Most of the time I'm pretty neutral when it comes to passive characters like this, but my patience with Sophie grew thinner and thinner with each action she did take. For example, (and this is going to tie in to my complaint on the inconsistency of the world), it is made clear to Sophie fairly early on that reading another person's mind without their permission is a serious crime punishable by exile. But Sophie seems to deem it fit to go and peek into her teacher's mind in order to see what will be on an upcoming test - yes, she breaks what was established as a very firm law to cheat on a test. Because she's a good girl though, she goes and turns herself in (which doesn't redeem her in my eyes, because if she was going to feel guilty enough to confess she wouldn't have done it in the first place), and after needless deliberation she's punished with detention. Detention. For breaking a major law. And in one of these detentions she forced to ballroom dance... what?
I mean it's incredible how fast Messenger managed to break my trust in her ability to uphold her own rules. When Sophie breaks the law again (this time without realizing it) I wasn't under any doubt that she'd walk away unpunished again. Ditto the third time she breaks the law (this time doing expressly what she was told not to do, albeit this time to protect people). At that point I could have laughed out loud, if I weren't so annoyed. I was actually hoping, during this second tribunal, that the book would end with her being exiled (as the title of the second book suggested), but instead I was treated to this honestly nauseating scene where all her teachers aside from Lady Galvin pass her with 100% marks on the spot (the actual punishment for her crime was treated as already served due to prior events *facepalm*).
The plot, for the most part, was practically the only thing that kept me reading. The mysteries behind Sophie's specialness are somewhat answered, and they make sense (still doesn't excuse her having no personality and having to be rescued from situations where she can't use her plot armor), but all the hints and clues are scattered in between what essentially comes to a normal high school story of a girl making friends and trying to pass exams. Foxfire isn't even at all interesting, and we hardly see enough of Sophie's classes to feel invested in her wanting to stay - we learn about channeling on one page, an ability that lets you concentrate your strength in an area of your body, and this isn't mentioned or used again until the (underwhelming) climax, by which time I'd almost forgotten what the hell channeling was supposed to be; there's a class for bottling weather formations and I have no idea why; physical education is telekinesis, something apparently all elves can do and is the exact opposite of physical activity; and splotching is a sport that is pretty much just a game of toss you play with said telekinetic powers. I mean for God's sake, if you're going to write yourself into literary suicide by having your character go to magic school, at least make it a school that is unique and worth wanting to stay in! Literally the only ideas I thought were even a little bit creative were the candy that changed taste according to your mood and the banshee (that doesn't look like a banshee...) that slept close to people who were dying. Aside from that, it felt like the author was filling in a paint-by-numbers on how to write a popular fantasy series without actually caring about common sense or creativity.
If I have any reason at all for reading the next two books (aside from that I spent money on them, unfortunately), it’s to further educate myself on what not to do when writing a fantasy series – or any book really – and also to remind me why I love all those other series I mentioned above so much. Goodbye first one-star book of 2016, it’s been hilarious.