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La Discipline Positive: En Famille, A L'Ecole, Comment Eduquer Avec Fermete Et Bienveillance
En famille, à l'école, comment éduquer avec fermeté et bienveillance. Mettre en confiance, donner des outils d'encouragement, impliquer et faire grandir l'enfant : c'est ce que propose cet ouvrage à travers de nombreux cas pratiques du quotidien. Aujourd'hui, de nombreux parents et enseignants sont frustrés par le comportement des enfants, bien éloigné des manières qu'ils ont connues. L'ouvrage de Jane Nelsen leur offre des clés, des outils concrets ainsi qu'une méthode d'apprentissage ni permissive, ni punitive, dans un cadre à la fois ferme et bienveillant. Ferme, pour respecter le monde de l'adulte et bienveillant, pour respecter celui de l'enfant. Un nouvel élan éducatif ! Cette méthode permet aux enfants, quel que soit leur âge, de développer avec confiance les compétences de vie dont ils ont besoin pour devenir des adultes épanouis, autonomes, responsables et engagés dans la société.
416 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1981
1492 people are currently reading
8343 people want to read
About the author
Jane Nelsen
134 books172 followersDr. Jane Nelsen is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor in South Jordan, UT and Carlsbad, CA.
She is the author and/or coauthor of the Positive Discipline Series.
She is the author and/or coauthor of the Positive Discipline Series.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 359 reviews
January 28, 2010
This seemed to be just what I needed at this juncture with our children. Lots of core messages resonate strongly
-- A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
-- Children simply want belonging and significance
-- It is wrong to think that we must make children feel worse in order to do better.
And I could go on.
One challenge with a book like this is that you will still hunger for exactly the right words to use in your own situation. I've read it all the way through and still struggle for the right/approrpaite message for the moment. Also daunting is the prospect of developing solutions when you feel a poverty of magination, and your child is not anxious to get the ball rolling. They do provide nice leads, though, and I understand offer too a book focused on solutions -- which I will order now.
-- A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
-- Children simply want belonging and significance
-- It is wrong to think that we must make children feel worse in order to do better.
And I could go on.
One challenge with a book like this is that you will still hunger for exactly the right words to use in your own situation. I've read it all the way through and still struggle for the right/approrpaite message for the moment. Also daunting is the prospect of developing solutions when you feel a poverty of magination, and your child is not anxious to get the ball rolling. They do provide nice leads, though, and I understand offer too a book focused on solutions -- which I will order now.
September 17, 2009
I am re-reading this book after losing it on the bookshelf for 15 years. Wow! Why didn't I memorize it way back when? This should have been on my nightstand right along with my scriptures. I have very recently been researching how to have more meaningful discipline. I had already come to the understanding through my studies of Waldorf education and prayerful meditation that the child's soul is a tender and beautiful thing that needs careful nurturing and guidance. Harsh, humiliating punishments do not really teach a child how to be a moral and compassionate human being. In this book, Jane Nelson makes it clear just what the results of "Punishment" are, and how we can guide and teach our children with kindness but firmness to achieve the results we really want. She gives great examples all the way through the book of how to use the different techniques and attitudes in specific situations. It is a great source for really useful tools we can use as parents and teachers to guide our children in thier journey through life.
******I have to add a note here******
Jane Nelsen advocates time-out for all ages of children, including babies. I DO NOT agree with this!!!! The tools she provides in this book are great for children over the age of 6. Babies and toddlers should never be isolated from their family. They may learn to accept it, but they cannot understand it. If you are parenting a child under the age of 6, please consider the tools in this blog post: http://theparentingpassageway.com/200...
******I have to add a note here******
Jane Nelsen advocates time-out for all ages of children, including babies. I DO NOT agree with this!!!! The tools she provides in this book are great for children over the age of 6. Babies and toddlers should never be isolated from their family. They may learn to accept it, but they cannot understand it. If you are parenting a child under the age of 6, please consider the tools in this blog post: http://theparentingpassageway.com/200...
June 14, 2008
This is an interesting book on discipline using the Adlerian approach. It's a different way of thinking about raising kids than most people do naturally. It encourages parents and teachers to stop adding shame, blame, and pain to kids' misbehavior because that doesn't achieve the long-term results in character that parents have as the goal for their kids. I recommend this book--there's a whole series of them for all different life situations: one for preschoolers, one for classrooms, one for single parents....
January 10, 2020
به جای این که چند کتاب تربیتی بخوانید "تربیت سالم در خانه" را چند بار بخوانید!
بروم دو باره شروعش کنم!
بروم دو باره شروعش کنم!
May 19, 2010
For those of you familiar with gospel principles, this book is full of them. Some one told me this lady is LDS, I don't know if it is true but her concepts support Christ-like ways. The theory of "positive discipline" stretched my mind and heart to new places about how I can parent more lovingly. Some of her one liners that are so true; "A misbehaving child is a discouraged child." When a child is misbehaving, the last thing they need is a spank. The misbehavior is a plea for love. Also, "We don't inspire children (or anyone for that matter) to do better by making them feel worse." Any time I have done badly and then been scolded for it, I feel so much worse. On the other hand, when I am gently handled and can counsel with someone who truly loves me and wants what's best for me, I can safely talk through the situation to figure out a better way to handle things. It's so simple and so effective. I am trying these new ways in my home, and the results? Well, Jane Nelson always says when first implementing these new ways, that it gets worse before it gets better because they will test it. But I have seen greater cooperation and more love, consideration, compassion, and willingness in our home.
March 22, 2021
A wonderful book with sound advice how to raise a child through encouragement and respect instead of criticism. The book teaches parents how to cope with bad behavior and how to disassociate ourselves, emotionally, from the child manipulation, so we can help them overcome their frustrations. As Jane Nelsen says, often children that are disruptive have leadership skills and parents can help the child by redirecting his/her behavior. She sees a misbehaving child as a discouraged child. I agree. The book covers many more areas of child development and how to live in a house with several children. No one teaches us how to be a parent and to be one is the MOST important job of our lifetimes! We shape future generations; this is how important it is. There is nothing more dedicated than a child’s soul, I think. I found the book to be very well written, with stories and examples, and easy to follow. In any way it is hard to read, and I learned a lot from it. I highly recommend this book to new parents and even parents with children of young age.
March 27, 2022
I bought this book 2-3 years ago, when my daughter's tantrum were starting to be too frequent and almost violent. I've since got help from a psychoeducator, and I will be forever grateful for all the work they did together. But the isolement provoked by the pandemic had bring the worst in my daughter, again. I've tried different approaches, and I could see that it worked for a while, but not for the long time... And then I though of this book. And I applied some things as I learned them. And IT WORKS. This will be my handbook from now on. I am so happy that I found this book!!! Thank you thank you thank you !
December 29, 2021
"Kids do better when they feel better".
Good tools and mindset for helping kids do better. If you come from a controlling, authoritarian, punishment-based, this helps with what to do when the first line of positive discipline doesn't work. Breaking from the worry that you're letting your kids get away with something because you aren't engaging in punitive punishment, is a crucial mental shift.
Good tools and mindset for helping kids do better. If you come from a controlling, authoritarian, punishment-based, this helps with what to do when the first line of positive discipline doesn't work. Breaking from the worry that you're letting your kids get away with something because you aren't engaging in punitive punishment, is a crucial mental shift.
December 31, 2015
I'm a yeller. It's one of the things I hate about myself as a parent. But this book has legitimately helped me shift away from my crazytown.
May 8, 2013
OK, I haven't quite finished it yet, but this book has changed my life and more importantly changed my relationship with my kids. It is a must read for every parent. Would you like to hug your child instead of punishing him and in the process teach him to be a capable, confident problem solver? Put an end to power struggles? Understand what is appropriate behavior for each phase of a child's development? Do you know why your child acts up and whether your response only makes the situation worse.
Dr Nelsen and her colleagues have discovered an approach to parenting (and perhaps I'm biased because for me this book is much broader than just discipline) that emphasizes your relationship with your child as the cornerstone of the child's (and your personal) development. She teaches discipline without punishment and while I haven't gotten there yet, she's convinced me it may be possible with some children. Of course I didn't adopt every tip and technique in the book, but I've adopted enough of them to see their power.
No book will tell you every move to make to be a good parent. No two children (or parents) are alike. Dr. Nelsen first accepts that people will make mistakes, both parents and children, then she teaches us how to work together to turns those mistakes into opportunities to grow closer, stronger and smarter.
Note that there are several version of this book. I read Positive Discipline for Preschoolers because that's where my kids are. If you have one child (or one problem child like I do), choose the version for that age group and you will get some more customized content.
Dr Nelsen and her colleagues have discovered an approach to parenting (and perhaps I'm biased because for me this book is much broader than just discipline) that emphasizes your relationship with your child as the cornerstone of the child's (and your personal) development. She teaches discipline without punishment and while I haven't gotten there yet, she's convinced me it may be possible with some children. Of course I didn't adopt every tip and technique in the book, but I've adopted enough of them to see their power.
No book will tell you every move to make to be a good parent. No two children (or parents) are alike. Dr. Nelsen first accepts that people will make mistakes, both parents and children, then she teaches us how to work together to turns those mistakes into opportunities to grow closer, stronger and smarter.
Note that there are several version of this book. I read Positive Discipline for Preschoolers because that's where my kids are. If you have one child (or one problem child like I do), choose the version for that age group and you will get some more customized content.
April 28, 2013
Winning Children Over Rather than Winning Over Children
In his 1923 classic, How to Love a Child, Janusz Korczak warned against relying on manuals when raising children; rather, the adult should listen and be attuned to both the children at hand and maintain an awareness of what it means and how it feels to be a child - in short, the ability to use one's empathy and moral sense to understand the life of the child by being able to see the world from a child's perspective.
Of the many books on "discipline," a very important part of loving, teaching, and raising children, Positive Discipline is one of the better books out there, in that it espouses a basic philosophy of treating children - people - with respect and dignity, and maintaining a faith in the underlying goodness of children, just as child advocates such as Jane Addams, Janusz Korczak, and Robert Coles advocated so long ago. Positive Discipline is based on the teachings of two prominent psychiatrists, Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs. The book, however, does not seem to adhere strongly to Adler's belief that one should know as much as possible about each child, as each child is unique. A strong point of Positive Discipline is that it encourages using intrinsic rather than extrinsic motivation, much as Alfie Kohn does in his controversial treatises (though Kohn has expressed a strong disdain for much of Dreikurs's philosophy).
Central to the book's theme is that when dealing with children, one should take a position of cooperation and mutual respect. Shared responsibility is more effective than authoritarian control; after all, one of the strongest needs is that of belonging, a view shared by Abraham Maslow and Larry Bedentro in their respective writings.
Positive Discipline is useful for working with all kinds of children, even those with emotional handicaps, as it takes the approach that one must work with children to find a solution to a problem. This belief is based on seven core principles in the book:
* The child is capable of coping and finding a solution
* The child is an important part of a primary relationship
* The child has control over what happens to him or her
* The child should cultivate strong intrapersonal skills
* The child should cultivate strong interpersonal skills
* The child should be able to respond to the limits and limitations of everyday life
* The child needs strong judgment and moral skills.
In short, the aim of Positive Discipline is "winning children over" rather than "winning over children." Misbehavior on the part of the child should be dealt with logical consequences - solutions, not retribution. The logical consequences should offer the child time for reflection. Punishment, on the other hand, leads one or a combination of the following: resentment, revenge, rebellion, or retreat; it does nothing to teach responsibility - or in the words of Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, "the ethics of responsibility."
Why do children act out? Misbehavior can result from one of four "mistaken goals":
* Attention - The need to be noticed, whether through positive or negative means
* Power - A feeling that the child has no control over his or her destiny
* Revenge - A need to get back at an adult the child perceives as a threat
* Assumed inadequacy - The feeling on the part of the child that he or she is incapable of dealing with the situation.
It is important for the adult to understand each child and deal with the problem within the correct context, in other words, as Korczak advocated, getting into the child's world. Positive acts should be met with encouragement instead of praise, as Kohn advocates, with the goal that the child will be able to function well on his or her own in the future. Here lies the book's greatest strength.
In his 1923 classic, How to Love a Child, Janusz Korczak warned against relying on manuals when raising children; rather, the adult should listen and be attuned to both the children at hand and maintain an awareness of what it means and how it feels to be a child - in short, the ability to use one's empathy and moral sense to understand the life of the child by being able to see the world from a child's perspective.
Of the many books on "discipline," a very important part of loving, teaching, and raising children, Positive Discipline is one of the better books out there, in that it espouses a basic philosophy of treating children - people - with respect and dignity, and maintaining a faith in the underlying goodness of children, just as child advocates such as Jane Addams, Janusz Korczak, and Robert Coles advocated so long ago. Positive Discipline is based on the teachings of two prominent psychiatrists, Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs. The book, however, does not seem to adhere strongly to Adler's belief that one should know as much as possible about each child, as each child is unique. A strong point of Positive Discipline is that it encourages using intrinsic rather than extrinsic motivation, much as Alfie Kohn does in his controversial treatises (though Kohn has expressed a strong disdain for much of Dreikurs's philosophy).
Central to the book's theme is that when dealing with children, one should take a position of cooperation and mutual respect. Shared responsibility is more effective than authoritarian control; after all, one of the strongest needs is that of belonging, a view shared by Abraham Maslow and Larry Bedentro in their respective writings.
Positive Discipline is useful for working with all kinds of children, even those with emotional handicaps, as it takes the approach that one must work with children to find a solution to a problem. This belief is based on seven core principles in the book:
* The child is capable of coping and finding a solution
* The child is an important part of a primary relationship
* The child has control over what happens to him or her
* The child should cultivate strong intrapersonal skills
* The child should cultivate strong interpersonal skills
* The child should be able to respond to the limits and limitations of everyday life
* The child needs strong judgment and moral skills.
In short, the aim of Positive Discipline is "winning children over" rather than "winning over children." Misbehavior on the part of the child should be dealt with logical consequences - solutions, not retribution. The logical consequences should offer the child time for reflection. Punishment, on the other hand, leads one or a combination of the following: resentment, revenge, rebellion, or retreat; it does nothing to teach responsibility - or in the words of Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, "the ethics of responsibility."
Why do children act out? Misbehavior can result from one of four "mistaken goals":
* Attention - The need to be noticed, whether through positive or negative means
* Power - A feeling that the child has no control over his or her destiny
* Revenge - A need to get back at an adult the child perceives as a threat
* Assumed inadequacy - The feeling on the part of the child that he or she is incapable of dealing with the situation.
It is important for the adult to understand each child and deal with the problem within the correct context, in other words, as Korczak advocated, getting into the child's world. Positive acts should be met with encouragement instead of praise, as Kohn advocates, with the goal that the child will be able to function well on his or her own in the future. Here lies the book's greatest strength.
June 10, 2013
I love the concept of the book and while haphazardly implementing what I was learning as I read, my daughter (5) endorsed the book. I saw her copying the cover and asked her what she was doing and she replied that she liked it. When I inquired why, she told me that I don't "yell" as much since I started reading it. And while I don't yell, I must raise my voice more than I realize (and more than I want to). So, I asked why she was copying the cover, I already have and am reading the book. She replied,"It's for daddy, so he'll read it." We have not implemented much at all yet, but just being mindful that I don't have to "make her feel bad to do better" has already dramatically improved the family dynamic.
January 13, 2025
Highly recommend to any of my parenting friends - I just finished and I’d already like to reread it with notes this time.
I was recommended this book by my son’s Montessori teacher as we were discussing some routines and goals that we had for him. There’s certainly a lot of wisdom in this book, and I appreciate that it not only includes small steps that can be implemented at an early age, but also follows the same clear steps and communication up through a later age.
But why this book particularly gets my recommendation: I don’t argue often with my husband, but during our last disagreement, I felt really shut down and upset. But I thought about this book and reframing the disagreement, taking time and space, and coming back together to discuss a solution. And I very honestly felt more productive but also emotionally safe with the aftermath. And I very truly want to pass on that kind of feeling to my kids.
I was recommended this book by my son’s Montessori teacher as we were discussing some routines and goals that we had for him. There’s certainly a lot of wisdom in this book, and I appreciate that it not only includes small steps that can be implemented at an early age, but also follows the same clear steps and communication up through a later age.
But why this book particularly gets my recommendation: I don’t argue often with my husband, but during our last disagreement, I felt really shut down and upset. But I thought about this book and reframing the disagreement, taking time and space, and coming back together to discuss a solution. And I very honestly felt more productive but also emotionally safe with the aftermath. And I very truly want to pass on that kind of feeling to my kids.
November 26, 2025
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December 31, 2019
The most helpful parenting book I have read so far! The principles taught here are entirely new to me, as I grew up with very strict and controlling parents, but each chapter was detailed in a way that's easy to digest -- and really, they do make a lot of sense! There are things like family meetings that I still find it hard to apply in real life, as our child is still very young, but I am happy that I have unconsciously been applying some of the methods taught here already. Glad to have a hard copy of the book so that I can revisit it again when our daughter is older :-)
The best part that resonated to me: The emphasized that although individuals who have been punished and been subjected to punitive discipline turned out "fine," they would have learned more had they been disciplined more positively. There was no blame or shame in the author's tone, which I love. Definitely recommend this to all parents :-)
The best part that resonated to me: The emphasized that although individuals who have been punished and been subjected to punitive discipline turned out "fine," they would have learned more had they been disciplined more positively. There was no blame or shame in the author's tone, which I love. Definitely recommend this to all parents :-)
February 21, 2021
Some days it feels like all the advise of this book is just not for me. And that my kid is a special kind of child or i am an incompetent mother. And while all that can be true, those are just long days and the book is honestly trying help set a pattern of discipline and respect based on consistent work in a relationship. Its a great book and it cover many ages, and I am certainly coming back to it in the near future.
March 12, 2015
I borrowed this from the library; now I'm going to buy it so I can highlight and return to it often.
November 18, 2012
INTRODUCTION
Based on teachings of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs
"The foundation for healthy self-esteem is the development by children of the belief "I am capable". Children don't develop this belief when parents do any of these things (do too much for them, overprotect them, rescue them, don't spend enough time with them, purchase too many things for their children, do homework for their children, nag, demand)...Nor do they develop the skills that help them feel capable when they are always told what to do without the experience of focusing on solutions where they are respectfully involved and can practice the skills parents hope they will develop."
Ch. 1 - The Positive Approach: (On changes in society) "The first major change is that adults no longer give children an example or model of submissiveness and obedience. Adults forget that they no longer act the way they used to in the good old days. Remember when Mom obediently did whatever Dad said, or at least gave the impression she did, b/c it was the culturally accepted thing to do....today all minority groups are actively claiming their rights to full equality and dignity...It is important to note that equality does not mean the same. Four quarters and a dollar bill are very different, but equal."
"It is important to emphasize that eliminating punishment does not mean that children should be allowed to do whatever they want. We need to provide opportunities for children to experience responsibility in direct relationship to the privileges they enjoy. Otherwise, they become dependent recipients who feel that the only way to achieve belonging and significance is by manipulating other people into their service."
7 Significant Perceptions & Skills
1. I am capable
2. I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed
3. I can influence what happens to me
4. Intrapersonal skills (i.e. personal emotions)
5. Interpersonal skills (i.e. working with others, communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing, empathizing, listening)
6. Strong systemic skills (responsibility, adaptability, flexibility, integrity)
7. Strong judgement skills
"Many people feel strongly that strictness and punishment work. I agree. I would never say that punishment does not 'work'. Punishment does 'work' in that it usually stops the misbehavior immediately. But what are the long term results? We are often fooled by immediate results. The long term results of punishment are that children usually adopt one or all of the Four R's of Punishment:
1. Resentment - "This is unfair. I can't trust adults."
2. Revenge - "They are winning now, but I'll get even."
3. Rebellion - "I'll do just the opposite to prove I don't have to do it their way."
4. Retreat
a) Sneakiness - "I won't get caught next time"
b) Reduced self esteem - "I am a bad person"
"Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?"
"Children do not develop positive characteristics based on the feelings and subconscious decisions they make as a result of punishment."
Four Criteria for Effective Discipline:
1. Is it kind and firm at the same time (respectful and encouraging)?
2. Does it help children feel a sense of belonging and significance (connection)?
3. Is it effective long term?
4. Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character (respect, concern for others, problem solving, contribution, etc.)?
Some phrases to use:
Your turn is coming
I know you can say that in a respectful way
I care about you and will wait until we both can be respectful (or have calmed down) to continue this conversation
I know you can think of a helpful solution
Act, don't talk (for example, quietly and calmly take the child by the hand and show him or her what needs to be done)
We'll talk about it later. Now it is time to get in the car.
(When the child is having a temper tantrum) We need to leave the store now. We'll try again later (or tomorrow).
Ch 2: Basic Concepts
"Winning over children makes them losers, and losing generally causes children to be rebellious or blindly submissive. Neither characteristics are desirable. Winning children over means gaining their willing cooperation."
Four steps for winning cooperation
1. Express understanding for the child's feelings. Be sure to check with her to see if you are right
2. Show empathy without condoning. Empathy does not mean you agree. It simply means that you understand the child's perception. A nice touch here is to share times when you have felt or behaved similarly.
3. Share your feelings and perceptions
4. Invite the child to focus on a solution
Basic Adlerian Concepts:
1. Children are social beings
2. Behavior is goal oriented
3. A child's primary goal is to belong and feel significant
4. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
5. Social responsibility or community feeling
"It is extremely important to teach social responsibility to children. What good is academic learning if young people do not learn to become contributing members of society? Dreikurs often said, 'Don't do anything for a child that a child can do for herself.' The reason for this is that we rob children of opportunities to develop the belief that they are capable, through their own experience, when we do too much for them. Instead they may develop the belief that they need to be taken care of or that they are 'entitled' to special service....when adults take the role of superparents/teachers, children learn to expect the world to serve them rather than to be of service to the world."
The Three R's of Recovery from a Mistake
1. Recognize - "Wow, I made a mistake"
2. Reconcile - "I apologize"
3. Resolve - "Let's work together on a solution"
Ch. 3 - The Significance of Birth Order
"It is very common for children to compare themselves to their siblings and decide that if a brother or sister is doing well in a certain area, their only survival choice is one of the following:
1. To develop competence in a completely different area
2. To compete and try to be better than other siblings
3. To be rebellious or revengeful
4. To give up b/c of a belief that they can't compete
"The most predictable similarities are found among oldest children, b/c this is the one position that has the fewest variables...Only children will be more similar to oldest or youngest, depending on whether they were pampered like a youngest or given more responsibility like an oldest."
"B/c oldest children are the first-born, they often adopt the mistaken interpretation that they must be first or best in order to be important."
"Youngest children....(pampering) makes it easy for them to adopt the mistaken interpretation that they must continue to manipulate others into their service in order to be important."
"Children can dress themselves from the time they are two or three years old if they have clothes that are easy to put on and have been taught how to do it. When parents continue to dress their children after the age of three, they are robbing them of developing a sense of responsibility, self-sufficiency, and self-confidence. They are less likely to develop the belief that they are capable."
"Middle children...they usually feel squeezed in the middle, without the privileges of the oldest or the benefits of the youngest. This provides good reason to adopt the mistaken interpretation that they must be different in some way in order to be significant."
"Only children...if they are like the oldest, it will be with less intensity for perfectionism, b/c they haven't felt the pressure from someone coming up behind them to threaten their position. Only children usually have the same high expectations of themselves that they felt from their parents. B/c they have been the only child in the family, they usually desire and appreciate solitude - or they may fear loneliness. It may be more important for them to be unique than to be first."
Gender can make a difference in the birth order, i.e. oldest boy and oldest girl
"When there are four years or more between children, they are less influenced by each other....When a child has had an opportunity to be in a position for more than four years, he has already formed many interpretations about life and himself and how to find belonging and significance. These may be modified when the family constellation changes but usually are not changed entirely."
"A sure sign of perfectionism is giving up. This child has decided, 'If I can't be the best or first, why try?'"
"Parents who agree on parenting methods create a cooperative atmosphere....when two sisters only 18 months apart are similar in characteristics, instead of opposites, we can guess that the parents created an atmosphere of cooperation rather than competition."
Judy Moore, birth order & reading groups; moved a younger sibling up in a reading group, told him "I have every confidence in your ability to do well there;" he excelled
"Why should John (a younger sibling) want to do anything for himself, including learning, if he had never had much experience with responsibility?"
In one elementary school, a particularly difficult class, teachers found 85% of children in lower reading groups were younger siblings, displaying helplessness & seeking special attention
For example, "Mark is an oldest child who could not stand to lose at games...Dad was contributing to Mark's attitude by always letting him win at chess b/c he didn't like to see Mark get upset and cry....Dad realized it was more important to allow Mark some experience with losing... (and the child eventually began to lose gracefully and still have fun)."
Birth order and marriage: "As you might guess, there is often an attraction between oldest and youngest children. Youngest like to be taken care of, oldest like to take care of, so it seems like a perfect match. However, as Adler said, 'Tell me your complaint about your spouse and I will tell you why you married that person in the first place.' The very characteristics that attract in the beginning often irritate later."
"When two oldest children marry, it if often b/c of admiration for the traits they also respect in themselves. The trouble begins when they can't agree on who is in charge...two youngest may marry b/c they recognize how much fun they can have together, but later may resent the other for not taking better care of them."
Ch. 4 - A New Look at Misbehavior
"It takes at least two people for a power struggle to exist."
In P.D. workshops they do an experimental activity called 'the Jungle' from John Taylor's book "Person to Person". Adult stands on a chair, 'child' kneels in front of them and says, "I'm a child and I just want to belong." The 'adults' on the chair pretend the child is misbehaving and make punitive statements to them, like "Stop interrupting me! Can't you see I'm busy?"
Dreikurs, Goal Disclosure, "Could it be....?" in regard to misbehavior due to misguided goals
"Recent brain research by David Walsh and Nat Bennett shows that during the teen years there may be rapid brain growth in the prefrontal cortex that results in some confusion for teens. Teens often misinterpret the body language of those around them as being aggressive when it isn't."
Ch. 5 - Beware of Logical Consequences
Deikurs: "When we use the term 'logical consequences', parents so frequently misinterpret it as a new way to impose their demands upon children. This children see for what it is - disguised punishment."
"Many families and teachers have told me that the atmosphere in their homes and classrooms changed dramatically when they stopped focusing on consequences and instead focused on solutions."
"A natural consequence is anything that happens naturally, with no adult interference. When you stand in the rain, you get wet. When you don't eat, you get hungry. When you forget your coat, you get cold."
"Decide what YOU will do. For example, a mother...kindly but firmly told her daughter she had confidence in her ability to be responsible for her own clothes. She explained that from now on she would wash only the clothes in the hamper."
"Even though natural consequences are often one way to help a child learn responsibility, there are times when they are not practical:
1. When a child is in danger - i.e. running into the street
2. Take time for training - explain why running in the street in dangerous during ALL times when you walk or are near the street
3. When natural consequences interfere w/ the rights of others
4. When the results of children's behavior do not seem like a problem to them, natural consequences are ineffective - i.e. not brushing their teeth
Logical Consequences
...must be
1. Related
2. Respectful
3. Reasonable
4. Revealed in advance
Remember that with logical consequences, even if you have agreed in advance by discussing solutions w/ children, they will often test your resolve to stick to the rules (the author gives example of being on time for breakfast): "Things often get worse before they get better as children test the plan. It is difficult but effective to remain kind and firm during this testing period."
"Keep in mind that, often, the problem of toys being left out is a problem of too many toys having been purchased by the parents...children need to learn there is a responsibility that goes along with privileges. Thus, privilege = responsibility.
Lack of responsibility = loss of privilege. Having toys is a privilege. The responsibility that goes along with the privilege is to take care of the toys....Children seem to care more about things in which they have an investment."
Ch. 6 - Focusing on Solutions
"Positive discipline focuses on teaching children what to do b/c they have been invited to think through the situation and use some basic guidelines, such as respect and helpfulness, to find solutions. They are active participants in the process, not passive (and often resistant) receivers."
Positive Time Out:
How would you feel, what would you think, and what would you do if your spouse or colleague cornered you and said, 'I don't like what you did. You can just go to time out and think about what you did.' Would you feel grateful for the help, or would you feel indignant....since this kind of treatment would not be respectful or effective with adults, why do adults think it is effective with children?"
"It is...silly (to say 'think about what you did') because the assumption is that adults can control what children think about."
"Positive time out is very different. It is designed to help children feel better (so they can access their rational brains), not to make them feel worse...It is not effective to focus on solutions until everyone has calmed down enough to have access to their rational brains.
1. Take time for training - talk about how helpful positive time out can be before you use it. Teach children about the value of a cooling-off period and the importance of waiting until everyone feels better before trying to solve conflicts.
2. Allow children to create their own time out area - an area that will help them feel better so they can do better. One preschool teacher created a time out 'grandma' by stuffing some old clothing with soft cloth. The children would be asked, 'Would it help you to go sit on Grandma's lap for a while?"
3. Develop a plan with the children in advance
4. Teach children that when they feel better, they can follow up by working on a solution or making amends.
Curiosity Questions: "Helping children explore the consequences of their choices is much different from imposing consequences on them."
What were you trying to do?
How do you feel about what happened?
What do you think caused it to happen?
What did you learn from this?
How can you use in the future what you learned?
What ideas do you have for solutions now?
What is your understanding of what it means to clean up the kitchen?
Ch. 7: Using Encouragement Effectively
"Remember the hidden messages behind behavior: 'I am a child, and I just want to belong.'"
Timing: "I think we are both too upset to discuss this now, but I would like to get together with you when we have both had time to cool off."
Mutual respect: Mutual respect incorporates attitudes of
a) faith in the abilities of yourself and others
b) interest in the point of view of others as well as your own
c) willingness to take responsibility and ownership for your own contributions to the problem
"Seek improvement, not perfection."
"Build on strengths, not weaknesses."
"Redirect misbehavior"
"Make amends: making amends is encouraging b/c it teachers social responsibility. Children feel better about themselves when they are helping others."
"Schedule special time: children between the ages of 2 and 6 need at least 10 minutes a day of special time that they can count on....From ages 6-12, children...like to count on at least 1/2 an hour each week."
Encouragement vs. Praise
Praise addresses the doer of the deed, i.e. "Good girl"
Encouragement addresses the deed, i.e. "Good job"
Praise can be patronizing, manipulative: "I like the way Susie is sitting"
Encouragement asks for respectful participation and is appreciative: "Who can show me how we should be sitting now?"
Praise uses judemental 'I' messages: "I like the way you did that"
Encouragement is more self directed: "I appreciate your cooperation"
Children, we praise: "You're such a good girl"
Adults, we encourage: "Thanks for helping"
The locus of control w/ praise is external, i.e. What do others think
Encouragement is internal, i.e. What do I think?
Praise robs a person of ownership of their own achievement: "I'm proud of you for getting an A"
Encouragement recognizes ownership and responsibility for effort: "That A reflects your hard work"
*** Ultimately, praise teaches dependence on others, conformity, and a feeling of worth based on when others approve.
*** Encouragement teaches self evaluation, understanding and reflection, feeling of worth without others' approval, self confidence and reliance.
Ch. 8: Class Meetings
* Meet in a circle
* Meet daily for at least 20 minutes
* As soon as possible, students lead the meeting
* Start with (for older kids) acknowledgement and appreciation
Younger children respond better to the word 'compliment'
* Use an agenda
* Keep notes (including a book where children can add items to the agenda)
Ch. 9: Family meetings
* Similar to class meetings, but slightly different
* Hold once a week, not daily
* Make decisions by consensus
* Plan fun activities as well as discuss problems & solutions
* Use gratitude/appreciations
* Plans meals, discuss chores, make a family motto
Ch. 10: Personality
Based on teachings of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs
"The foundation for healthy self-esteem is the development by children of the belief "I am capable". Children don't develop this belief when parents do any of these things (do too much for them, overprotect them, rescue them, don't spend enough time with them, purchase too many things for their children, do homework for their children, nag, demand)...Nor do they develop the skills that help them feel capable when they are always told what to do without the experience of focusing on solutions where they are respectfully involved and can practice the skills parents hope they will develop."
Ch. 1 - The Positive Approach: (On changes in society) "The first major change is that adults no longer give children an example or model of submissiveness and obedience. Adults forget that they no longer act the way they used to in the good old days. Remember when Mom obediently did whatever Dad said, or at least gave the impression she did, b/c it was the culturally accepted thing to do....today all minority groups are actively claiming their rights to full equality and dignity...It is important to note that equality does not mean the same. Four quarters and a dollar bill are very different, but equal."
"It is important to emphasize that eliminating punishment does not mean that children should be allowed to do whatever they want. We need to provide opportunities for children to experience responsibility in direct relationship to the privileges they enjoy. Otherwise, they become dependent recipients who feel that the only way to achieve belonging and significance is by manipulating other people into their service."
7 Significant Perceptions & Skills
1. I am capable
2. I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed
3. I can influence what happens to me
4. Intrapersonal skills (i.e. personal emotions)
5. Interpersonal skills (i.e. working with others, communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing, empathizing, listening)
6. Strong systemic skills (responsibility, adaptability, flexibility, integrity)
7. Strong judgement skills
"Many people feel strongly that strictness and punishment work. I agree. I would never say that punishment does not 'work'. Punishment does 'work' in that it usually stops the misbehavior immediately. But what are the long term results? We are often fooled by immediate results. The long term results of punishment are that children usually adopt one or all of the Four R's of Punishment:
1. Resentment - "This is unfair. I can't trust adults."
2. Revenge - "They are winning now, but I'll get even."
3. Rebellion - "I'll do just the opposite to prove I don't have to do it their way."
4. Retreat
a) Sneakiness - "I won't get caught next time"
b) Reduced self esteem - "I am a bad person"
"Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?"
"Children do not develop positive characteristics based on the feelings and subconscious decisions they make as a result of punishment."
Four Criteria for Effective Discipline:
1. Is it kind and firm at the same time (respectful and encouraging)?
2. Does it help children feel a sense of belonging and significance (connection)?
3. Is it effective long term?
4. Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character (respect, concern for others, problem solving, contribution, etc.)?
Some phrases to use:
Your turn is coming
I know you can say that in a respectful way
I care about you and will wait until we both can be respectful (or have calmed down) to continue this conversation
I know you can think of a helpful solution
Act, don't talk (for example, quietly and calmly take the child by the hand and show him or her what needs to be done)
We'll talk about it later. Now it is time to get in the car.
(When the child is having a temper tantrum) We need to leave the store now. We'll try again later (or tomorrow).
Ch 2: Basic Concepts
"Winning over children makes them losers, and losing generally causes children to be rebellious or blindly submissive. Neither characteristics are desirable. Winning children over means gaining their willing cooperation."
Four steps for winning cooperation
1. Express understanding for the child's feelings. Be sure to check with her to see if you are right
2. Show empathy without condoning. Empathy does not mean you agree. It simply means that you understand the child's perception. A nice touch here is to share times when you have felt or behaved similarly.
3. Share your feelings and perceptions
4. Invite the child to focus on a solution
Basic Adlerian Concepts:
1. Children are social beings
2. Behavior is goal oriented
3. A child's primary goal is to belong and feel significant
4. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
5. Social responsibility or community feeling
"It is extremely important to teach social responsibility to children. What good is academic learning if young people do not learn to become contributing members of society? Dreikurs often said, 'Don't do anything for a child that a child can do for herself.' The reason for this is that we rob children of opportunities to develop the belief that they are capable, through their own experience, when we do too much for them. Instead they may develop the belief that they need to be taken care of or that they are 'entitled' to special service....when adults take the role of superparents/teachers, children learn to expect the world to serve them rather than to be of service to the world."
The Three R's of Recovery from a Mistake
1. Recognize - "Wow, I made a mistake"
2. Reconcile - "I apologize"
3. Resolve - "Let's work together on a solution"
Ch. 3 - The Significance of Birth Order
"It is very common for children to compare themselves to their siblings and decide that if a brother or sister is doing well in a certain area, their only survival choice is one of the following:
1. To develop competence in a completely different area
2. To compete and try to be better than other siblings
3. To be rebellious or revengeful
4. To give up b/c of a belief that they can't compete
"The most predictable similarities are found among oldest children, b/c this is the one position that has the fewest variables...Only children will be more similar to oldest or youngest, depending on whether they were pampered like a youngest or given more responsibility like an oldest."
"B/c oldest children are the first-born, they often adopt the mistaken interpretation that they must be first or best in order to be important."
"Youngest children....(pampering) makes it easy for them to adopt the mistaken interpretation that they must continue to manipulate others into their service in order to be important."
"Children can dress themselves from the time they are two or three years old if they have clothes that are easy to put on and have been taught how to do it. When parents continue to dress their children after the age of three, they are robbing them of developing a sense of responsibility, self-sufficiency, and self-confidence. They are less likely to develop the belief that they are capable."
"Middle children...they usually feel squeezed in the middle, without the privileges of the oldest or the benefits of the youngest. This provides good reason to adopt the mistaken interpretation that they must be different in some way in order to be significant."
"Only children...if they are like the oldest, it will be with less intensity for perfectionism, b/c they haven't felt the pressure from someone coming up behind them to threaten their position. Only children usually have the same high expectations of themselves that they felt from their parents. B/c they have been the only child in the family, they usually desire and appreciate solitude - or they may fear loneliness. It may be more important for them to be unique than to be first."
Gender can make a difference in the birth order, i.e. oldest boy and oldest girl
"When there are four years or more between children, they are less influenced by each other....When a child has had an opportunity to be in a position for more than four years, he has already formed many interpretations about life and himself and how to find belonging and significance. These may be modified when the family constellation changes but usually are not changed entirely."
"A sure sign of perfectionism is giving up. This child has decided, 'If I can't be the best or first, why try?'"
"Parents who agree on parenting methods create a cooperative atmosphere....when two sisters only 18 months apart are similar in characteristics, instead of opposites, we can guess that the parents created an atmosphere of cooperation rather than competition."
Judy Moore, birth order & reading groups; moved a younger sibling up in a reading group, told him "I have every confidence in your ability to do well there;" he excelled
"Why should John (a younger sibling) want to do anything for himself, including learning, if he had never had much experience with responsibility?"
In one elementary school, a particularly difficult class, teachers found 85% of children in lower reading groups were younger siblings, displaying helplessness & seeking special attention
For example, "Mark is an oldest child who could not stand to lose at games...Dad was contributing to Mark's attitude by always letting him win at chess b/c he didn't like to see Mark get upset and cry....Dad realized it was more important to allow Mark some experience with losing... (and the child eventually began to lose gracefully and still have fun)."
Birth order and marriage: "As you might guess, there is often an attraction between oldest and youngest children. Youngest like to be taken care of, oldest like to take care of, so it seems like a perfect match. However, as Adler said, 'Tell me your complaint about your spouse and I will tell you why you married that person in the first place.' The very characteristics that attract in the beginning often irritate later."
"When two oldest children marry, it if often b/c of admiration for the traits they also respect in themselves. The trouble begins when they can't agree on who is in charge...two youngest may marry b/c they recognize how much fun they can have together, but later may resent the other for not taking better care of them."
Ch. 4 - A New Look at Misbehavior
"It takes at least two people for a power struggle to exist."
In P.D. workshops they do an experimental activity called 'the Jungle' from John Taylor's book "Person to Person". Adult stands on a chair, 'child' kneels in front of them and says, "I'm a child and I just want to belong." The 'adults' on the chair pretend the child is misbehaving and make punitive statements to them, like "Stop interrupting me! Can't you see I'm busy?"
Dreikurs, Goal Disclosure, "Could it be....?" in regard to misbehavior due to misguided goals
"Recent brain research by David Walsh and Nat Bennett shows that during the teen years there may be rapid brain growth in the prefrontal cortex that results in some confusion for teens. Teens often misinterpret the body language of those around them as being aggressive when it isn't."
Ch. 5 - Beware of Logical Consequences
Deikurs: "When we use the term 'logical consequences', parents so frequently misinterpret it as a new way to impose their demands upon children. This children see for what it is - disguised punishment."
"Many families and teachers have told me that the atmosphere in their homes and classrooms changed dramatically when they stopped focusing on consequences and instead focused on solutions."
"A natural consequence is anything that happens naturally, with no adult interference. When you stand in the rain, you get wet. When you don't eat, you get hungry. When you forget your coat, you get cold."
"Decide what YOU will do. For example, a mother...kindly but firmly told her daughter she had confidence in her ability to be responsible for her own clothes. She explained that from now on she would wash only the clothes in the hamper."
"Even though natural consequences are often one way to help a child learn responsibility, there are times when they are not practical:
1. When a child is in danger - i.e. running into the street
2. Take time for training - explain why running in the street in dangerous during ALL times when you walk or are near the street
3. When natural consequences interfere w/ the rights of others
4. When the results of children's behavior do not seem like a problem to them, natural consequences are ineffective - i.e. not brushing their teeth
Logical Consequences
...must be
1. Related
2. Respectful
3. Reasonable
4. Revealed in advance
Remember that with logical consequences, even if you have agreed in advance by discussing solutions w/ children, they will often test your resolve to stick to the rules (the author gives example of being on time for breakfast): "Things often get worse before they get better as children test the plan. It is difficult but effective to remain kind and firm during this testing period."
"Keep in mind that, often, the problem of toys being left out is a problem of too many toys having been purchased by the parents...children need to learn there is a responsibility that goes along with privileges. Thus, privilege = responsibility.
Lack of responsibility = loss of privilege. Having toys is a privilege. The responsibility that goes along with the privilege is to take care of the toys....Children seem to care more about things in which they have an investment."
Ch. 6 - Focusing on Solutions
"Positive discipline focuses on teaching children what to do b/c they have been invited to think through the situation and use some basic guidelines, such as respect and helpfulness, to find solutions. They are active participants in the process, not passive (and often resistant) receivers."
Positive Time Out:
How would you feel, what would you think, and what would you do if your spouse or colleague cornered you and said, 'I don't like what you did. You can just go to time out and think about what you did.' Would you feel grateful for the help, or would you feel indignant....since this kind of treatment would not be respectful or effective with adults, why do adults think it is effective with children?"
"It is...silly (to say 'think about what you did') because the assumption is that adults can control what children think about."
"Positive time out is very different. It is designed to help children feel better (so they can access their rational brains), not to make them feel worse...It is not effective to focus on solutions until everyone has calmed down enough to have access to their rational brains.
1. Take time for training - talk about how helpful positive time out can be before you use it. Teach children about the value of a cooling-off period and the importance of waiting until everyone feels better before trying to solve conflicts.
2. Allow children to create their own time out area - an area that will help them feel better so they can do better. One preschool teacher created a time out 'grandma' by stuffing some old clothing with soft cloth. The children would be asked, 'Would it help you to go sit on Grandma's lap for a while?"
3. Develop a plan with the children in advance
4. Teach children that when they feel better, they can follow up by working on a solution or making amends.
Curiosity Questions: "Helping children explore the consequences of their choices is much different from imposing consequences on them."
What were you trying to do?
How do you feel about what happened?
What do you think caused it to happen?
What did you learn from this?
How can you use in the future what you learned?
What ideas do you have for solutions now?
What is your understanding of what it means to clean up the kitchen?
Ch. 7: Using Encouragement Effectively
"Remember the hidden messages behind behavior: 'I am a child, and I just want to belong.'"
Timing: "I think we are both too upset to discuss this now, but I would like to get together with you when we have both had time to cool off."
Mutual respect: Mutual respect incorporates attitudes of
a) faith in the abilities of yourself and others
b) interest in the point of view of others as well as your own
c) willingness to take responsibility and ownership for your own contributions to the problem
"Seek improvement, not perfection."
"Build on strengths, not weaknesses."
"Redirect misbehavior"
"Make amends: making amends is encouraging b/c it teachers social responsibility. Children feel better about themselves when they are helping others."
"Schedule special time: children between the ages of 2 and 6 need at least 10 minutes a day of special time that they can count on....From ages 6-12, children...like to count on at least 1/2 an hour each week."
Encouragement vs. Praise
Praise addresses the doer of the deed, i.e. "Good girl"
Encouragement addresses the deed, i.e. "Good job"
Praise can be patronizing, manipulative: "I like the way Susie is sitting"
Encouragement asks for respectful participation and is appreciative: "Who can show me how we should be sitting now?"
Praise uses judemental 'I' messages: "I like the way you did that"
Encouragement is more self directed: "I appreciate your cooperation"
Children, we praise: "You're such a good girl"
Adults, we encourage: "Thanks for helping"
The locus of control w/ praise is external, i.e. What do others think
Encouragement is internal, i.e. What do I think?
Praise robs a person of ownership of their own achievement: "I'm proud of you for getting an A"
Encouragement recognizes ownership and responsibility for effort: "That A reflects your hard work"
*** Ultimately, praise teaches dependence on others, conformity, and a feeling of worth based on when others approve.
*** Encouragement teaches self evaluation, understanding and reflection, feeling of worth without others' approval, self confidence and reliance.
Ch. 8: Class Meetings
* Meet in a circle
* Meet daily for at least 20 minutes
* As soon as possible, students lead the meeting
* Start with (for older kids) acknowledgement and appreciation
Younger children respond better to the word 'compliment'
* Use an agenda
* Keep notes (including a book where children can add items to the agenda)
Ch. 9: Family meetings
* Similar to class meetings, but slightly different
* Hold once a week, not daily
* Make decisions by consensus
* Plan fun activities as well as discuss problems & solutions
* Use gratitude/appreciations
* Plans meals, discuss chores, make a family motto
Ch. 10: Personality
July 2, 2022
Bastante informação relevante e reflexões sensíveis. Texto levemente prolixo (especialmente nos capítulos iniciais). Melhora bastante do meio pro fim.
April 17, 2024
czytałem to przez rok, bo jakoś straciłem motywację 😔 ale w końcu skończyłem i czuję, że jestem bogatszy o nową wiedzę do przetestowania w pracy z dzieciakami :3
January 12, 2020
I was a bit disappointed in this book. The suggestions and way of working are not bad, and certainly merit experimentation, but it remains too much at the anecdotical level.
There is no grounding in a solid theoretical framework, and there are even some methodological problems. For instance, children’s are both mistaken in understanding goal behaviour and expert in recognising punishment for what it is. Are they experts or are they mistaken? Why is there a difference?
Speaking of difference, there are indeed differences between family and school, but the different approaches (eg frequency of meeting) are stated, not explained.
All the advice in the book can work and probably does work. It might be interesting to apply. But it is just anecdotes...
There is no grounding in a solid theoretical framework, and there are even some methodological problems. For instance, children’s are both mistaken in understanding goal behaviour and expert in recognising punishment for what it is. Are they experts or are they mistaken? Why is there a difference?
Speaking of difference, there are indeed differences between family and school, but the different approaches (eg frequency of meeting) are stated, not explained.
All the advice in the book can work and probably does work. It might be interesting to apply. But it is just anecdotes...
Read
May 28, 2021Ebeveynlikle ilgili çok fazla kitap okudum.Çoğunu okurken de içimden hep ya bu kitabı yazanın çocuğu yok ya ben anne değilim diye geçirdim.Hepsi üsttenci,gerçeklikten uzak gelirdi.
Çünkü annelk öyle kutsal bir şy filan değil.Bazen olmak istemiyorsun,bazen ski tek başına günlerindeki gibi kaygısız olmakistiyorsun.Bazen tahammülsüz oluyorsun sesin yüksliyor.Bunların hepsi normal.
bu kitabı okurken bunlarla nasıl başa çıkabileceğime dair çok fazla pratik öğrendim.Bazılarını denedim de,bizde işliyor.
Yeni nesil,aile çocuk ilişkisine çocukerkil taraftan bakan kitaplardan farklı,yol gösterici bir kitap.
Çünkü annelk öyle kutsal bir şy filan değil.Bazen olmak istemiyorsun,bazen ski tek başına günlerindeki gibi kaygısız olmakistiyorsun.Bazen tahammülsüz oluyorsun sesin yüksliyor.Bunların hepsi normal.
bu kitabı okurken bunlarla nasıl başa çıkabileceğime dair çok fazla pratik öğrendim.Bazılarını denedim de,bizde işliyor.
Yeni nesil,aile çocuk ilişkisine çocukerkil taraftan bakan kitaplardan farklı,yol gösterici bir kitap.
March 22, 2020
This book contains a lot of lists that are jam-packed with information. Brace yourselves, parents!
The Significant 7 Perceptions & Skills (that we want to help our kids to develop)
1) Strong perceptions of personal capabilities - "I am capable."
2) Strong perceptions of significance in primary relationships - "I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed."
3) Strong perceptions of personal power or influence over life - "I can influence what happens to me."
4) Strong intrapersonal skills: the ability to understand personal emotions and to use that understanding to develop self-discipline and self-control.
5) Strong interpersonal skills: the ability to work with others and develop friendships through communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing, empathizing, and listening.
6) Strong systemic skills: - the ability to respond to the limits and consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility, and integrity.
7) Strong judgmental skills: the ability to use wisdom and to evaluate situations according to appropriate values.
The 4 R's of Punishment (Blame, shame, and pain):
1) Resentment - "This is unfair. I can't trust adults."
2) Revenge - "They are winning now, but I'll get even."
3) Rebellion - "I'll do just the opposite to prove I don't have to do it their way."
4) Retreat:
a) Sneakiness - "I won't get caught next time."
b) Reduced self-esteem - "I am a bad person."
The 4 Criteria for Effective Discipline:
1) Is it kind and firm at the same time? (Respectful and encouraging)
2) Does it help children feel a sense of belonging and significance? (Connection)
3) Is it effective long-term? (Punishment works in the short term, but has negative long-term results.)
4) Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problem solving, accountability, contribution, cooperation)
4 Steps for Winning Cooperation:
1) Express understanding for the child's feelings. Be sure to check with them to see if you're right.
2) Show empathy without condoning. Empathy does not mean you agree or condone. It simply means that you understand the child's perception. A nice touch here is to share times when you have felt or behaved similarly.
3) Share your feelings and perceptions. If the first two steps have been done in a sincere and friendly manner, the child will be ready to listen to you.
4) Invite the child to focus on a solution. Ask if they have any ideas on what to do in the future to avoid the problem. If they don't, offer some suggestions until you can reach an agreement.
Basic Adlerian Concepts (Alfred Adler, psychologist):
1) Children are social beings
2) Behavior is goal oriented
3) A child's primary goal is to belong and to feel significant
4) A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
5) Social responsibility or community feeling
6) Equality
7) Mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn
3 R's of Recovery from Mistakes:
1) Recognize - "Wow, I made a mistake."
2) Reconcile - "I'm sorry."
3) Resolve - "Let's work on a solution together."
3 R's and an H for Focusing on Solutions:
1) Related
2) Respectful
3) Reasonable
4) Helpful
4 Mistaken Beliefs/Goals of Behavior (of children):
1) Undue attention - I belong only when I have your attention.
2) Misguided power - I belong only when I'm the boss, or at least when I don't let you boss me.
3) Revenge - I don't belong, but at least I can hurt back.
4) Assumed Inadequacy - It is impossible to belong. I give up.
4 Lifestyle Priorities (of parents):
1) Comfort - Seeks comfort, takes the easiest way
2) Control - Seeks to control self/others/situations
3) Pleasing - Seeks to please others
4) Superiority - Seeks to do more, be better than others, be right, etc.
Rather than make demands all the time, try to ask curiosity questions and remain calm.
Positive time outs - explain to your children that we ALL need to take a time out sometimes to calm down and change up our energy. They should be able to read a book, listen to music, play with toys, etc so that when they come out of their "chill zone" (or whatever you/they want to call it) Sometimes, YOU can take the time out - go into your "chill zone" and only come back when you've calmed down and feel ready to solve the problem helpfully.
My single favorite take-away from this book is having regular family meetings (about 1/week). As problems arise throughout the week, offer the child to put the problem on the agenda for the next family meeting. By the time the meeting comes around, everyone has likely calmed down and can best solve the problem together.
Family Meeting Process:
First, each person goes around the table giving at least one compliment to each person present.
-You can also practice gratitude instead of compliments - or alternate the two.
Then, you go down the agenda, tackling each problem one at a time.
-Whoever puts the problem on the agenda also puts their name next to the problem so they can explain why it's a problem for them. You can also ask "Why might this be a problem?" to help children with taking others' perspectives (a skill which typically begins to develop around age 7-8).
Then, everyone brainstorms potential solutions to the problem.
-Allow the children to come up with most of the solutions, because they'll take more ownership of it.
Then, the best solution is chosen, typically by consensus, but in some cases it may just be the one person in charge of solving the problem.
-At the next family meeting, if the problem has been resolved, it can be crossed off from the list.
-If not, it remains on the list until the next meeting, with maybe another brainstorming session and choosing a different solution from the list.
-I personally like to allow the person who solved the problem to cross it off the agenda, so they can feel that sense of accomplishment and dopamine release.
-Problem solving is connected to the prefrontal cortex, the slowest developing part of the brain. It's not usually fully developed until the mid-to-late 20s, so be patient with your children as they practice this!
Finally, plan something fun to do together as a family in the upcoming week.
The only reason I didn't give this book a full 5 stars is because it has so much information and no super easy way to remember it all. There are multiple lists of different concepts, so the practical application of it becomes somewhat limited. If the most important concepts were summarized into some type of acronym, I think that would have earned it the full 5 star rating. It was an excellent book, I learned a ton from it, and I immediately started implementing a lot of the practices with great success.
I like that the book has a review at the end of each chapter along with questions to solidify your knowledge and understanding.
Check out my live book review on Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JukB6...
The Significant 7 Perceptions & Skills (that we want to help our kids to develop)
1) Strong perceptions of personal capabilities - "I am capable."
2) Strong perceptions of significance in primary relationships - "I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed."
3) Strong perceptions of personal power or influence over life - "I can influence what happens to me."
4) Strong intrapersonal skills: the ability to understand personal emotions and to use that understanding to develop self-discipline and self-control.
5) Strong interpersonal skills: the ability to work with others and develop friendships through communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing, empathizing, and listening.
6) Strong systemic skills: - the ability to respond to the limits and consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility, and integrity.
7) Strong judgmental skills: the ability to use wisdom and to evaluate situations according to appropriate values.
The 4 R's of Punishment (Blame, shame, and pain):
1) Resentment - "This is unfair. I can't trust adults."
2) Revenge - "They are winning now, but I'll get even."
3) Rebellion - "I'll do just the opposite to prove I don't have to do it their way."
4) Retreat:
a) Sneakiness - "I won't get caught next time."
b) Reduced self-esteem - "I am a bad person."
The 4 Criteria for Effective Discipline:
1) Is it kind and firm at the same time? (Respectful and encouraging)
2) Does it help children feel a sense of belonging and significance? (Connection)
3) Is it effective long-term? (Punishment works in the short term, but has negative long-term results.)
4) Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problem solving, accountability, contribution, cooperation)
4 Steps for Winning Cooperation:
1) Express understanding for the child's feelings. Be sure to check with them to see if you're right.
2) Show empathy without condoning. Empathy does not mean you agree or condone. It simply means that you understand the child's perception. A nice touch here is to share times when you have felt or behaved similarly.
3) Share your feelings and perceptions. If the first two steps have been done in a sincere and friendly manner, the child will be ready to listen to you.
4) Invite the child to focus on a solution. Ask if they have any ideas on what to do in the future to avoid the problem. If they don't, offer some suggestions until you can reach an agreement.
Basic Adlerian Concepts (Alfred Adler, psychologist):
1) Children are social beings
2) Behavior is goal oriented
3) A child's primary goal is to belong and to feel significant
4) A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
5) Social responsibility or community feeling
6) Equality
7) Mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn
3 R's of Recovery from Mistakes:
1) Recognize - "Wow, I made a mistake."
2) Reconcile - "I'm sorry."
3) Resolve - "Let's work on a solution together."
3 R's and an H for Focusing on Solutions:
1) Related
2) Respectful
3) Reasonable
4) Helpful
4 Mistaken Beliefs/Goals of Behavior (of children):
1) Undue attention - I belong only when I have your attention.
2) Misguided power - I belong only when I'm the boss, or at least when I don't let you boss me.
3) Revenge - I don't belong, but at least I can hurt back.
4) Assumed Inadequacy - It is impossible to belong. I give up.
4 Lifestyle Priorities (of parents):
1) Comfort - Seeks comfort, takes the easiest way
2) Control - Seeks to control self/others/situations
3) Pleasing - Seeks to please others
4) Superiority - Seeks to do more, be better than others, be right, etc.
Rather than make demands all the time, try to ask curiosity questions and remain calm.
Positive time outs - explain to your children that we ALL need to take a time out sometimes to calm down and change up our energy. They should be able to read a book, listen to music, play with toys, etc so that when they come out of their "chill zone" (or whatever you/they want to call it) Sometimes, YOU can take the time out - go into your "chill zone" and only come back when you've calmed down and feel ready to solve the problem helpfully.
My single favorite take-away from this book is having regular family meetings (about 1/week). As problems arise throughout the week, offer the child to put the problem on the agenda for the next family meeting. By the time the meeting comes around, everyone has likely calmed down and can best solve the problem together.
Family Meeting Process:
First, each person goes around the table giving at least one compliment to each person present.
-You can also practice gratitude instead of compliments - or alternate the two.
Then, you go down the agenda, tackling each problem one at a time.
-Whoever puts the problem on the agenda also puts their name next to the problem so they can explain why it's a problem for them. You can also ask "Why might this be a problem?" to help children with taking others' perspectives (a skill which typically begins to develop around age 7-8).
Then, everyone brainstorms potential solutions to the problem.
-Allow the children to come up with most of the solutions, because they'll take more ownership of it.
Then, the best solution is chosen, typically by consensus, but in some cases it may just be the one person in charge of solving the problem.
-At the next family meeting, if the problem has been resolved, it can be crossed off from the list.
-If not, it remains on the list until the next meeting, with maybe another brainstorming session and choosing a different solution from the list.
-I personally like to allow the person who solved the problem to cross it off the agenda, so they can feel that sense of accomplishment and dopamine release.
-Problem solving is connected to the prefrontal cortex, the slowest developing part of the brain. It's not usually fully developed until the mid-to-late 20s, so be patient with your children as they practice this!
Finally, plan something fun to do together as a family in the upcoming week.
The only reason I didn't give this book a full 5 stars is because it has so much information and no super easy way to remember it all. There are multiple lists of different concepts, so the practical application of it becomes somewhat limited. If the most important concepts were summarized into some type of acronym, I think that would have earned it the full 5 star rating. It was an excellent book, I learned a ton from it, and I immediately started implementing a lot of the practices with great success.
I like that the book has a review at the end of each chapter along with questions to solidify your knowledge and understanding.
Check out my live book review on Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JukB6...
May 11, 2021
This book is like the holy grail of modern parenting. Most parenting books, courses and frameworks we come across today are one variation or another of what is taught in this book.
It was originally written in the eighties so it’s natural that sometimes the style feels outdated and there’s a couple concepts I don’t embrace. The essence of the content, however, is as needed today as it was back then.
Raising my kids to be self sufficient, confident and respectful are goals of mine and only a few of the many benefits of replacing punishment with positive discipline.
The approach is rooted in using kindness and firmness while avoiding blame, shame and pain. Prioritize connection, turn mistakes into learning opportunities, empathize and validate feelings, help kids feel better so they can do better, focus on solutions and allow kids to help create an action plan, understand that behavior is communication and that in the end what everyone needs is love and belonging. All fantastic goals to have.
Easier said then done though. Thankfully there are practical tools and examples given, and even if it they work a little too easily in the book they do offer a jumping pad to many day to day situations.
Definitely a book to keep around while my kids grow and use it often as reminder of where I’m coming from and where I intend to go as a parent.
It was originally written in the eighties so it’s natural that sometimes the style feels outdated and there’s a couple concepts I don’t embrace. The essence of the content, however, is as needed today as it was back then.
Raising my kids to be self sufficient, confident and respectful are goals of mine and only a few of the many benefits of replacing punishment with positive discipline.
The approach is rooted in using kindness and firmness while avoiding blame, shame and pain. Prioritize connection, turn mistakes into learning opportunities, empathize and validate feelings, help kids feel better so they can do better, focus on solutions and allow kids to help create an action plan, understand that behavior is communication and that in the end what everyone needs is love and belonging. All fantastic goals to have.
Easier said then done though. Thankfully there are practical tools and examples given, and even if it they work a little too easily in the book they do offer a jumping pad to many day to day situations.
Definitely a book to keep around while my kids grow and use it often as reminder of where I’m coming from and where I intend to go as a parent.
April 10, 2022
I’m learning that good parenting books tend to have a few things in common. The specifics of the approach seem to matter less than the attitude of empathy while maintaining consistent expectations for behavior.
Positive discipline differs from the others I have read so far in that it rejects the idea of punishment as necessary for children to change their behavior. Instead, parents should focus on collaborating with their children on finding solutions. Parents are also not expected to shield their child from the natural consequences of their actions. I’m still working my head around the idea of eliminating punishment (are there circumstances where it might still be necessary?), but I do think we have B. F. Skinner to thank for the obsession our culture has for rewards and punishment.
I also didn’t connect very much with the four personality styles for parents, but I could see how this perspective might be helpful for parents who identified more strongly with one of the categories.
Positive discipline differs from the others I have read so far in that it rejects the idea of punishment as necessary for children to change their behavior. Instead, parents should focus on collaborating with their children on finding solutions. Parents are also not expected to shield their child from the natural consequences of their actions. I’m still working my head around the idea of eliminating punishment (are there circumstances where it might still be necessary?), but I do think we have B. F. Skinner to thank for the obsession our culture has for rewards and punishment.
I also didn’t connect very much with the four personality styles for parents, but I could see how this perspective might be helpful for parents who identified more strongly with one of the categories.
August 3, 2017
I probably would have gotten more from this book if I didn't teach lower elementary students in a departmentalized setting. I can adapt the activities for the little people, but the daily circle routine won't work well for us.
January 6, 2020
A good reminder for how to be a loving yet firm parent. It contains tons of data, classifications and advices, derived from the real life practice. Still not easy to put into practice, but good to review now and then.
August 3, 2017
One of the concepts repeated in this book is that discipline is not about consequences it is about solutions. The point of discipline, Jane Nelsen believes, is to motivate change, not shame or criticize the child. Nelsen’s criteria for effective discipline is as follows:
Positive Discipline Criteria
1) Is it kind and firm? (respectful and encouraging)
2) Does it help children feel a sense of belonging and significance? (connection)
3) Is if effective long term? (Punishment works short-term, but with negative long-term results)
4) Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problems solving, accountability, contribution, cooperation)
I found the “Mistaken Goal” chart really interesting, Nelsen suggests that these are four common causes of misbehavior in children.
Mistaken Goals of Children
1) Undue attention - I belong only when I am being noticed
2) Power - I belong only when I am in control, or proving that no one else can boss me.
3) Revenge - I am feeling hurt so I’ll hurt others
4) Inadequacy - I don’t belong so I’ll convince everyone they shouldn’t expect anything of me.
There are lists of strategies for each of these. For example, if a child is demanding a great deal of attention, they may need a meaningful task so they feel more involved and needed.
I really like the suggestion to have a special weekly/daily time with each child (depending on age). Here’s the author’s reasoning:
1. Children feel a sense of belonging and significance when they can count on special time with you. They feel that they are important to you.
2. Scheduled special time is a reminder to you about why you had children in the first place— to enjoy them.
3.When you are busy and your children want your attention, it is easier for them to accept that you don’t have time when you say, "Honey, I can’t right now, but I sure am looking forward to our special time at four-thirty."
There are chapters on “Classroom Meetings” and “Family Meetings” which have some excellent ideas for conflict resolution. They suggest a weekly family meeting for fair division of chores, airing of concerns, discussing schedules, maybe meal planning, and coming up with fun weekly family events. Nelsen suggests making the meetings a tradition and a fun time ending with a snack and a game or activity.
The author also suggests sitting down with children and listing all the family chores (what the parents do, and what the kids do). Then ask them which ones they are capable of helping with, and create a chore chart based on their answers. For less desirable chores she suggested a weekly drawing so no one gets stuck on garbage duty forever.
In one chapter, Nelsen said “It is a myth that children are deprived if they don’t have two parents.” While there are many exceptions to the rule, many studies show that children of two parent families have quite a few health and educational benefits. These studies hopefully won’t discourage single parents, but let’s be realistic about the challenges facing them.
Other Quotes:
Four steps for winning cooperation:
1. Express understanding for child’s feelings
2. Show empathy without condoning. Share a time when you felt/behaved similarly
3. Share your own feelings and perceptions about the situation.
4. Invite the child to focus on a solution. Ask for their input and ideas.
“Don’t do anything for a child that a child can do for herself.” [This is not so the parent can be lazy, but so the child learns to have a sense of purpose, responsibility and self-respect.]
“Many families have found it helpful during dinnertime to invite everyone to share a mistake of the day and what they learned from it.”
“We need to understand the ‘supermoms’ are not good for children... Children learn valuable life skills when parents take time for training, and then allow children to develop responsibility.”
“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.”
“Children do better when they feel better.”
“The main purpose of discipline is to motivate children to do better.”
Significant Seven Perceptions and skills that necessary to develop capable people:
1. I am capable. - Strong perception of personal capabilities
2. I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed. - Strong perceptions of significance in primary relationships
3. I can influence what happens to me. - Strong perceptions of personal power or influence over life
4. Strong interpersonal skills: the ability to understand personal emotions and to use that understanding to develop self-discipline and self-control
5. Strong interpersonal skills: the ability to work with others and develop friendships through communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing, empathizing, and listening.
6. Strong systemic skills: the ability to respond to the limits and consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility, and integrity.
7. Strong judgmental skills: the ability to use wisdom to evaluate situations according to appropriate values.
Positive Discipline Criteria
1) Is it kind and firm? (respectful and encouraging)
2) Does it help children feel a sense of belonging and significance? (connection)
3) Is if effective long term? (Punishment works short-term, but with negative long-term results)
4) Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problems solving, accountability, contribution, cooperation)
I found the “Mistaken Goal” chart really interesting, Nelsen suggests that these are four common causes of misbehavior in children.
Mistaken Goals of Children
1) Undue attention - I belong only when I am being noticed
2) Power - I belong only when I am in control, or proving that no one else can boss me.
3) Revenge - I am feeling hurt so I’ll hurt others
4) Inadequacy - I don’t belong so I’ll convince everyone they shouldn’t expect anything of me.
There are lists of strategies for each of these. For example, if a child is demanding a great deal of attention, they may need a meaningful task so they feel more involved and needed.
I really like the suggestion to have a special weekly/daily time with each child (depending on age). Here’s the author’s reasoning:
1. Children feel a sense of belonging and significance when they can count on special time with you. They feel that they are important to you.
2. Scheduled special time is a reminder to you about why you had children in the first place— to enjoy them.
3.When you are busy and your children want your attention, it is easier for them to accept that you don’t have time when you say, "Honey, I can’t right now, but I sure am looking forward to our special time at four-thirty."
There are chapters on “Classroom Meetings” and “Family Meetings” which have some excellent ideas for conflict resolution. They suggest a weekly family meeting for fair division of chores, airing of concerns, discussing schedules, maybe meal planning, and coming up with fun weekly family events. Nelsen suggests making the meetings a tradition and a fun time ending with a snack and a game or activity.
The author also suggests sitting down with children and listing all the family chores (what the parents do, and what the kids do). Then ask them which ones they are capable of helping with, and create a chore chart based on their answers. For less desirable chores she suggested a weekly drawing so no one gets stuck on garbage duty forever.
In one chapter, Nelsen said “It is a myth that children are deprived if they don’t have two parents.” While there are many exceptions to the rule, many studies show that children of two parent families have quite a few health and educational benefits. These studies hopefully won’t discourage single parents, but let’s be realistic about the challenges facing them.
Other Quotes:
Four steps for winning cooperation:
1. Express understanding for child’s feelings
2. Show empathy without condoning. Share a time when you felt/behaved similarly
3. Share your own feelings and perceptions about the situation.
4. Invite the child to focus on a solution. Ask for their input and ideas.
“Don’t do anything for a child that a child can do for herself.” [This is not so the parent can be lazy, but so the child learns to have a sense of purpose, responsibility and self-respect.]
“Many families have found it helpful during dinnertime to invite everyone to share a mistake of the day and what they learned from it.”
“We need to understand the ‘supermoms’ are not good for children... Children learn valuable life skills when parents take time for training, and then allow children to develop responsibility.”
“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.”
“Children do better when they feel better.”
“The main purpose of discipline is to motivate children to do better.”
Significant Seven Perceptions and skills that necessary to develop capable people:
1. I am capable. - Strong perception of personal capabilities
2. I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed. - Strong perceptions of significance in primary relationships
3. I can influence what happens to me. - Strong perceptions of personal power or influence over life
4. Strong interpersonal skills: the ability to understand personal emotions and to use that understanding to develop self-discipline and self-control
5. Strong interpersonal skills: the ability to work with others and develop friendships through communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing, empathizing, and listening.
6. Strong systemic skills: the ability to respond to the limits and consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility, and integrity.
7. Strong judgmental skills: the ability to use wisdom to evaluate situations according to appropriate values.
March 22, 2018
Great book, I learned a lot, and the strategies are already very helpful.
October 21, 2024
4.5 stars - definitely need to reread about 5 more times because there is so much useful information
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