Nobody's Perfect

Dortmunder #4

by Donald E. Westlake

Comic crime hero Dortmunder and his gang of bungling thieves are back in a hilarious caper--out of print since 1979. Mishaps and misunderstandings force the gang to steal a painting not once but twice in this hilarious misadventure starring the inimitable Dortmunder. Reissue.

Genres: Crime, Humor, Mystery, Fiction, Audiobook, Comedy, Novels

240 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published January 1, 1977

About the author

Donald E. Westlake (1933-2008) was one of the most prolific and talented authors of American crime fiction. He began his career in the late 1950's, churning out novels for pulp houses—often writing as many as four novels a year under various pseudonyms such as Richard Stark—but soon began publishing under his own name. His most well-known characters were John Dortmunder, an unlucky thief, and Parker, a ruthless criminal. His writing earned him three Edgar Awards: the 1968 Best Novel award for God Save the Mark; the 1990 Best Short Story award for "Too Many Crooks"; and the 1991 Best Motion Picture Screenplay award for The Grifters. In addition, Westlake also earned a Grand Master Award from the Mystery Writers of America in 1993.

Westlake's cinematic prose and brisk dialogue made his novels attractive to Hollywood, and several motion pictures were made from his books, with stars such as Lee Marvin and Mel Gibson. Westlake wrote several screenplays himself, receiving an Academy Award nomination for his adaptation of The Grifters, Jim Thompson's noir classic.

Some of the pseudonyms he used include
•   Richard Stark
•   Timothy J. Culver
•   Tucker Coe
•   Curt Clark
•   J. Morgan Cunningham
•   Judson Jack Carmichael
•   D.E. Westlake
•   Donald I. Vestlejk
•   Don Westlake

Reviews

[Kemper · Rating 3 out of 5]

Poor John Dortmunder has such bad luck that things go sideways for him even when he’s stealing from a guy who is helping him do it.

After Dortmunder gets caught in the act of stealing TVs out of a repair shop he seems certain to be heading back to prison for a long stay, but a high-priced defense attorney suddenly shows up and does the kind of court room magic that keeps guys like Robert Durst running around loose for years. It turns out that the lawyer has been looking for a thief who met a certain kind of criteria to pull a job for another client of his, Chauncey. Dortmunder meets Chauncey, a wealthy man who is short of cash in only the way that the rich can be while still being rich, and Chauncey has an idea for them both to make some money.

The plan is that Dortmunder will steal a valuable painting as well as some other goodies when Chauncey has a house full of wealthy friends around. Dortmunder holds the painting for collateral until Chauncey collects the insurance, and he’ll pay Dortmunder a healthy portion of the settlement. Then Dortmunder will return the painting to Chauncey who will hide it away where he can still appreciate it. And just to make sure that Dortmunder doesn’t try anything cute like try to sell the painting for himself, Chauncey has also hired a hit man who has instructions to kill Dortmunder if the painting isn’t returned to him.

Dortmunder isn’t thrilled with the hit man angle, but since he isn’t planning on doing any double crosses he doesn’t sweat it much as he puts together his usual crew of misfits to pull off a heist that will look legit to the insurance company. As usual in a Dortmunder caper, there are some complications that arise that make the threat of the hitman suddenly become a lot more hazardous.

I never fail to be amazed when reading the funny misadventures of Dortmunder that they’re written by the same guy who also created the ultimate humorless anti-hero in the very serious Parker series under the Richard Stark pen name. It shows how versatile Westlake was that he could create two series that are both about professional thieves and yet make them so completely different.

While I prefer the hard-boiled stories of Parker’s heists, I also quite enjoy the Dortmunder stories. There’s nothing knee-slapping hilarious in these books although they often turn into outright farces, but there’s a certain slyness to Westlake’s wit that I find very appealing. There’s also a kind of low-key charm to the gloomy Dortmunder and his buddies, and it’s always fun to see what kind of trouble they’re getting into.

This one is a little odd in that it ends in a kind of open ended way that really leaves a lot of loose threads hanging out there. These aren't the kind of books where everything needs to be wrapped in neatly to be satisfying, but Westlake usually did a better job of resolving Dortmunder’s problems. This one seems like he couldn’t really figure a way out so he just ended it on a joke instead, and that’s slightly disappointing.

[Dave Schaafsma · Rating 3 out of 5]

My second Westlake Dortmunder series novel, comic crime caper gone south. A guy comes to Dortmunder and asks him to steal his valuable painting, entitled "Folly Leads to Man's Ruin," so he can split the insurance payout with him. He gathers his usual bunch of goofballs and ne'er-do-wells to help him do the job. Things go badly, of course, the guy talks him into another caper in London, which--you see, there's a pattern here--turns out also to be a (pretty funny) mess. Two "fake robberies."

I liked the clever set-up of The Kid better than this one, which was just played for laughs, forgettable action, kind of strange, untied-up conclusion. I thought it was over all just okay, but Westlake is a fine writer, one of the best, so anything he does is worth checking out.

[Frank · Rating 4 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

I have read and enjoyed several of Westllake's comic Dortmunder novels not in any particular order. Dortmunder is a professional thief who along with his crew tend to foul up most every job they pull. In this one, Dortmunder is pulled into a plot to steal a painting by a man named Chauncey from his New York townhouse as part of an insurance scam. Chauncey wants to collect the insurance on the painting valued at about $400,000 and then keep the painting hidden away in another location so he can enjoy it. Dortmunder must bypass the alarm system, avoid a houseful of guests and some security guards and in turn gets paid $100,000 but only after the insurance pays off. To make sure Dortmunder doesn't make off with the painting, Chauncey also hires a hit man to keep an eye on the thief. Okay, this looks like an easy job for Dortmunder and his gang — in and out while Chauncey keeps his guests occupied. But then as usual things go wrong! The painting gets lost in a throng of drunken Scot's men as the gang makes their getaway though a neighboring hotel. So if Dortmunder does't provide the painting to Chauncey in the next six months, the hitman offs him... Time to come up with another plan.

As usual, I enjoyed the antics of Dortmunder and his crew. Westlake keeps the story moving with a series of clever schemes and plans that always seem to go awry. The novel had lots of humor and of course things didn't work out as planned. I was a little disappointed in the ending which kind of left some loose threads but I do have a few more of this series on my TBR shelves that I'll be looking forward to reading along with some other Westlake novels.

[Charles van Buren · Rating 5 out of 5]

RTF

[Spiros · Rating 4 out of 5]

Say, for the sake of argument, that you are halfway through a 17 hour train journey, it's dark out, and you have been diligently reading The Complete Stories by Clarice Lispector, which are starting to blur together in your head everso slightly. In your book bag you have a Dortmunder novel which you have never read. Are you justified in abandoning your set policy of never starting a book before finishing the book you have been reading? Somewhere just outside of Chemult, Oregon, the decision just sort of made itself.
As always, the inevitable twist and turns of a Dortmunder caper just pull you through; nothing ever works as planned, and it's not always Andy Kelp's fault, although try telling that to Dortmunder. And the ending, with Dortmunder and Kelp coming to blows while wearing suits of armor (believe me, I'm not spoiling anything) might be the funniest of any in the series.

[Carol Jean · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dortmunder gets involved in an insurance scam in this one -- and ends up being tailed by a hired killer. Westlake is endlessly creative.

[Almeta · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just when you think nothing else could possibly happen....!

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Donald Westlake's Dortmunder novels are really all equally funny and surprising. if you haven't read them, you have many hours of smart, witty, lighthearted reading ahead.

But what to drink with them, you ask? Well, here's the thing: the characters in the Dortmunder series (a bunch of sometimes-bumbling, sometimes-competent criminals, much like you'd find in any workplace, only this is a New York-based crime ring), always meet in a bar to plan their next scheme. One trademark of the bar scenes is that the other patrons are always having inane bar-like conversations. ("The idea behind the flat tax is that everybody pays one month's rent," for instance) and the bartender knows all the members of the crime ring by their drink orders. "Beer and salt" is one, and "red wine and vodka" is another.

That's right. Red wine and vodka. The drink of choice of Tiny Bulcher, the thug of the group. He calls himself the "smash and carry man." In this novel he even explains why he drinks such a thing: "Why not? Gives the vodka a little taste, gives the wine a little body."

So, dear reader. In the name of research, I made myself a wine and vodka tonight. I bought a bottle of pretty decent screw top red (Our Daily Red, a California table wine) and got out whatever vodka was nearest (Elemental, made from Oregon wheat).

Now, before I started this experiment, I'd only thought of Tiny's wine and vodka as a funny, lowbrow drink. But once I was standing over my wine glass and pouring in vodka, I thought, "Oh, no. This is a drink for alcoholics. This is what you drink when you don't want anyone to know how much you're drinking."

Because in spite of Westlake's description of the drink as looking like flat cherry soda, it just looks like red wine--no matter how much vodka you add.

And the correct ratio, I determined, after much experimenting, is 4 to 1 in favor of the wine. Any less than that and the vodka does no good, any more than that and it starts to taste weird.

My husband suggested that I point out that this 4 to 1 ratio works out to 1 six-ounce glass of wine and a 1.5 oz shot of vodka. "If people are going to order it in a bar, that's how they'd order it," he explained. "A glass of wine and a shot of vodka."

But no one is going to order this in a bar. You are not going to order this in a bar. Promise me you won't.

Drink it if you must, but if you'd like a better combination of wine and spirits, try one of these:

4 oz Lillet Blanc (a delightful French aperitif wine laced with orange liqueur and quinine)

A splash (decide for yourself what that means) of gin.

Pour both into a glass over ice and stir vigorously.

An alternative: Lillet Rouge (the red version) and a dollop of bourbon.

Seriously. Those are good. Red wine and vodka is not. I'm going to worry about you if you sit around at home and drink red wine and vodka.

Wait, here's another wine and spirits recipe--a French 75! Why didn't I think of that one first? Here's the proper old-fashioned version of this drink:

1.5 oz gin
1 tsp sugar or simple syrup
Juice of half a lemon

Shake over ice and strain into a Collins glass filled with cracked ice. Top with Champagne.

[Jeff Tankersley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everybody put their plates and glasses and cups and beer cans down and applauded their own singing or something, and turned bright cheery eyes on Dortmunder, who realized he was expected to say something. He looked around and his eye fell on Kelp's sparkling face.
He lifted his fresh eggnog. "God help us," Dortmunder said, "every one."

Our favorite mulishly stubborn, pessimistic, and professional thief John Dortmunder is hired by an art-collecting socialite to steal his own painting so he can collect the insurance, and then will pay Dortmunder for the painting and just keep it again in his own private collection. The socialite has also hired a hitman to kill Dortmunder if he is unable to deliver the painting, so there's no way for him to back out once things are finally put in motion.

Verdict: A really fun lark and international crime caper.

Jeff's Rating: 4 / 5 (Very Good)
movie rating if made into a movie: PG-13

[Kathryn Wonders · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lighthearted series that makes you root for the criminals.

[Kevin Adams · Rating 4 out of 5]

2022, year of Dortmunder. Westlake rules. These books are pure pleasure.

[Carla]

Very funny, and super-well plotted art caper….of course, everything goes wrong, but it goes wrong several times. Westlake is a truly entertaining writer.

[Jason Reeser · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of the better examples of why the Dortmunder series is so good. This has the lighthearted comedy that makes it so enticing. The villians are just bad enough to be villians, without being cruel and distasteful. The "good guys" are just crooked enough for the hi-jinks that ensue, but not too crooked to make them unlikable. One of the better characters in the series, May, has too small a role, but this was early in the series, and I don't think WEstlake had developed her well enough yet.
As usual, Westlake's play with words, mixing in the NY lingo, logic, and attitude make this fun for a non-New Yorker to read. Locals may not like the the way Westlake pokes fun at them, maybe they do like it, I don't know, but for me it is a delight.
And of course the caper, a simple plan, turns sour and there are several more simple plans that must be attempted to correct what went wrong with the original caper. We get to see Dortmunder and Kelp outside of NY, which is fun, though they are far more interesting in their native habitat. Since this is early in the series, Tiny is introduced for the first time, (I think) and he is a bit more menacing than in later books. But it is fun to watch Andy's first interaction with him. Good fun all around.

[John Calia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful book that doesn’t fit into any single genre. It’s part mystery, part thriller, and part crime novel. But what it does best is plunge the reader into a world few of us have experienced.

The protagonist and his cohort might be characterized as working class people. But that’s not totally accurate as they are also unarmed robbers. Any score will do. It might be a typewriter stolen from a government office and pawned for $40. Or it might be a valuable piece of art.

The characters accept one another for what they are, even if that means they might not see one another for a few years while one cools his heels in prison. The background is filled with interactions common to the blue collar world—discussions with clueless beat cops, barroom arguments over nothing important, or a security guard who might let them in someplace they shouldn’t be.

As the story begins, a wealthy resident of NY contracts with the title character to steal a painting from his house so he can collect the insurance money. He would then buy it back from Dortmunder for a slice of the insurance payment. To say more would be a spoiler. Suffice it to say that the Law of Unintended Consequences prevails.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book and can’t recommend it more highly.

[Tim Schneider · Rating 4 out of 5]

John Dortmunder and his compadres are back in a fourth caper. This time Dortmunder is hired to steal an old master painting for the insurance money and then return it to the original owner for a significant cut of the take. As usual, Dortmunder's plan is pretty darn good. And, as usual, things go awry and the jinx that seems to haunt him rears its ugly head. Honestly these books are so plot intensive that almost anything more than that starts to get in to spoiler territory.

A number of Dortmunder's pals are along for the job, including perennials Andy Kelp and Stan Murch. We're introduced to muscle-man "Tiny" Blucher. And Herman X makes a short guest appearance. These books are just fun capers. They're long on plot and very light on characterization. None of the characters personalities are deeper than worn-out rug, but that doesn't really matter because the point is the caper and, in Dortmunder's case, how it's going to go wrong and how he's going to fix it.

[Book Concierge · Rating 3 out of 5]

John Dortmunder and his team are back for their fourth “can’t fail” scheme. This time the “victim” has arranged the theft as part of an insurance scheme. Dortmunder and gang will steal the painting, sit on it until the insurance money is paid, then return it to the owner, collect their percentage of the insurance proceeds, and everyone walks away happy.

What could possibly go wrong?

Westlake has a way of putting obstacles in the path of his loveable gang of thieves that just tickles my funny bone. I enjoy watching them scheme, and how exasperated Dortnumder gets with Kelp’s attempts to “help.” I love May and wish she’d had a larger role in this adventure. I also was eager to see the gang in action on foreign soil. Taking them to the U.K.was a treat, but I was somewhat disappointed in the cliff-hanger ending.

[Mer · Rating 4 out of 5]

https://hardcover.app/books/nobodys-p...

[Sharon Ouderkirk · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a nice break from our social media, in your face world to read a comic novel from 1977 where the unplugged criminal group actually had to meet in person at a designated meeting place in order to communicate. Remember those days? No cell phones, no Zoom, no Facebook, no internet. The lack of technology added time and effort to the plot: they took a long, onerous path to get together to talk to each other, Dortmunder needed to be driven around London to familiarize himself with the streets (no google map, no GPS), they had a vague knowledge of the painting that was the 'mark' of the theft (no google, but since the painting is Westlake's creation, google would not have helped). The seventies had most of the same problems as we do - corrupt governments, civil unrest, war in foreign lands, populations being forced out of their country to migrate to new lands, economic woes - but it lacked the intensity brought to us by social media connectedness.
Anyway, back to the book: It was amusing, sometimes outright funny, but I found myself getting impatient with the pace of the plot -- fast-paced in 1977 is glacial by today's standards. Donald Westlake is a master of the form, and he was talented to the tips of his fingers, but alas, time may erode the ability of his readers to appreciate him. Dortmunder is unlucky again...

[Ken Oder · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is my fourth read in the series about Dortmunder and his band of eccentric, humorous, slightly dimwitted small-time criminals. Each book is witty, the first two offering up a lot of laugh-out-loud scenes and predicaments, but this one dropped off the pace. Westlake tries too hard to be funny too often and it detracts from the legitimate humor elsewhere in the book. Bank Shot is the best in the series, in my view. Jimmy the Kid is a close second. Wish I'd stopped with that one.

[Robert · Rating 3 out of 5]

Still funny, but more concerned with jokes than criminal plans, and a heist novel without any law officers to act as foil is just odd.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank heaven for Inter-Library Loan (ILL)! For, while I had finished every available Dortmunder novel, this one eluded me. And, although the delivery time can range from days, to weeks, to months, like the Mounties, we always get our man (book). (Well, at least Dudley Do-Right always did.)

Nobody’s Perfect is the fourth novel, following on the heels of The Hot Rock, Bank Shot, and Jimmy The Kid. This is, for me, where some of the slapstick oozes out of the stories to be replaced by subtler, at times darker, humor. Of course, it is still a comedy caper with screw-ups and whiplash-inducing panic in our characters, but it does not have that physical punch that was so prevalent in Jimmy The Kid. That was probably the most slapstick of all of the novels, though.

The story begins with Dortmunder in jail awaiting a court date. His court-appointed attorney seems unable to punch his way out of a paper bag and John is expecting to receive housing from the state for the next several years. But a rescue is affected by a high-powered lawyer who, as Dortmunder later relates to May, takes the literal truth and uses it to get the charges dismissed. (The judge presages a different court in the much later, Bad News.) Of course, such luck comes with a price.

In this case, John must assist one of the moneyed set to defraud an insurance company by thieving a centuries-old Dutch Master that hangs on his wall. Since he’s done this a few times before, the job must be done while there is a dinner party going on and rent-a-cops on the premises. Since the owner is in on it, he gets to learn the details of the house and its access and alarm points. The owner assures him that the guests will remain downstairs and so will the guards. The owner has also taken out his own insurance policy: he also gotten a killer freed who will be given Dortmunder as his next victim if the job isn’t done and the painting returned.

So, John puts together his team. At first he selects only four. He is holding an enormous grudge against Andy Kelp for the embarrassment of having the kid outwit them, the bank-in-a-trailer shooting off into the Atlantic, and having to steal the same jewel six times (or at least that many capers) – all of which were jobs that Andy suggested to him. He goes so far as to throw Andy out of the apartment, but May works on him, cleverly manipulating his thoughts until he is almost ready to make peace and then Andy reappears (he let himself back in). So, it’s a five-man caper with all but Stan going inside to yank the painting and all the baubles they can lift from the bedrooms.

So, the night of the caper comes and they make their move. First they go through a theatre full of Scotsmen in full regalia and alcohol, and then they cross over to the roof of the target. And from that moment on, the best-laid plan of John Dortmunder goes haywire. For the next 150-odd pages, there are enough twists and turns to construct a wooden rollercoaster.

All-in-all it’s a good yarn; well-written and imaginative. The author weaves in some true-life events (I think this was written during one of those periods when the man who faked Vermeers was well-known) and the team of guards who were outfoxed in Bank Shot. As in real-life, not everyone gets what they deserve, but in this case it’s a pretty satisfying ending. Four (4) Stars and a small regret that this is the last one to be “discovered”.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not his best, but a fun little read nonetheless.

[Joe Noir · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another example of why Westlake will always be the master of the truly entertaining crime novel. Whether violent noir (Parker-writing as Richard Stark) or hilarious caper. This is the fourth entry in the Dortmunder series. This could be the most satisfying novel of the first four, but all of them are very good. The reader knows things will not go as planned. There will be unexpected twists and turns, and reversals of fortune. A couple of characters who will reappear in later books aren’t as well developed here as they will be; and I have to admit the very last scene on the final couple of pages is extraordinarily silly. I found several references to other Westlake books in this novel. For example, some security guards from an earlier book reappear here; and Alan Grofield even shows up… thinly disguised…sort of… I was literally laughing out loud at several points in this book, and the opening chapters are among Westlake’s funniest. An especially good read for the holiday season.

[Rob Kitchin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Folly Leads Man to Ruin would have been a much better title for this book than Nobody’s Perfect. Dortmunder’s follies pile up one after the other, each leading to a more precarious future. Westlake keeps up a steady pace, with a series of nicely constructed and clever set pieces that are strung together into a plot divided into four parts. There is a gentle humour running throughout and a few genuine belly laughs. The characterisation is well observed, with a good mix of likeable rogues. For me, the story was a little let down through a lack of edginess or grit and the book seemed to stop about ten to fifteen pages too short. Also the premise around the insurance scam as it entered the last quarter didn’t stand up to much scrutiny. Nevertheless, an enjoyable read from a powerhouse of comic crime storytelling.

[Deborah Edwards · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book that introduced me to Westlake's hilarious Dortmunder (the hapless criminal mastermind and his lovably bungling crew of misfit thieves)and hooked me for life. I remember being charmed by this book when I first read it, and I have looked forward to each subsequent installment in the series. As outrageous as the scenarios often are, it all works because the characters are so perfectly drawn by Westlake (and obviously, with great fondness), and the dialogue is not only clever but laugh-out-loud funny. Must be a nice diversion for Westlake to write one of these Dortmunder novels every now and then after going so very dark in his Richard Stark novels. Hard to believe they are written by the same person.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the first 89% of Nobody’s Perfect well enough (statistic courtesy of my Kindle’s progress bar) but with 11% to go, Donald E. Westlake lost me. Too much, too silly, too busy, trying too hard. In Nobody’s Perfect, Dortmunder (a.k.a. Sad Sack Parker) has a robbery go unluckily wrong (surprise!) and as a result gets blackmailed into performing another robbery, which, of course, seems unlikely to go well. If you enjoy the Dortmunder formula, you will certainly enjoy Nobody’s Perfect, despite the fact that the book goes to hell at the end—which, given that this is Dortmunder, might actually be the most appropriate possible way for the book to go.

[Korynn · Rating 3 out of 5]

A tragic tale in which Dortmunder is given the perfect crime that he can't refuse, on pain of death. But he wasn't planning to be stuck at the bottom of an elevator shaft for the sake of two bottles of very good bourbon or have to travel all the way to Scotland to steal a painting for the second time. Dortmunder is totally jinxed.

[Caroline · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love that the last thing this author would ever do is fall back on convenience in his story. That makes for a bad wrap for poor Dortmunder, but creates a tight, smart story for the reader.

Nobody's Perfect is just as fast paced, funny, well thought out, and intelligent as the previous books have been. Looking forward to starting the next one sooner rather than later.

[Francis · Rating 3 out of 5]

So Dortmunder always puts together a perfect plan and then he assembles the perfect team in search of the perfect crime. But then things go wrong and then the wrong things compile and things get messy and complicated. He will ultimately find his way through but usually no richer nor wiser than when he started. And that is why there will another book to follow.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is another fun Dortmunder book. A crime that is planned out perfectly somehow goes awry and Dortmunder and company need to find a way to make it right.

I found it enjoyable and it moved quickly enough that I never felt like it was dragging, as usual a fun romp.