The Scaffold Effect: Raising Resilient, Self-Reliant, and Secure Kids in an Age of Anxiety

by Harold Koplewicz

Prevent and counteract the general anxiety and emotional fragility prevalent in children and teenagers today—a new parenting philosophy and strategies that give children the tools to flourish on their own.

“A master synthesizer of attachment science, medical practice, and his own experience as a father, Harold Koplewicz capably and compassionately leads us through the art of scaffolding, from early childhood through the important adolescent period.”—Daniel J. Siegel, MD, author of The Whole Brain Child

Just as sturdy scaffolding is necessary when erecting a building and will come down when the structure grows stable, good parenting provides children with steady and warm emotional nourishment on the path toward independence. Never-ending parental problem-solving and involvement can have the opposite effect, enabling fragility and anxiety over time.
 
In The Scaffold Effect , world-renowned child psychiatrist Harold Koplewicz introduces the powerful and clinically tested idea that this deliberate build-up and then gradual loosening of parental support is the single most effective way to encourage kids to climb higher, try new things, grow from mistakes, and develop character and strength. Explaining the building blocks of an effective scaffold from infancy through young adulthood, he expertly guides parents through the strategies for raising empowered, capable people,

• Lay a solid The parent-child relationship needs to be made from the concrete mixture of emotional availability, positive reinforcement, clear messaging, and consistent rules. From this supportive base, your will forge a bond that will survive adolescence and grow stronger into adulthood.

• Empower Skyscraper or sprawling ranch—the style of your child’s construction is not up to you! Scaffold parenting validates and accommodates the shape the child is growing into. Any effort to block or control growth will actually stunt it.

• Stay on their Imagine being on the ground floor of a house and trying to talk to someone on the roof. The person on the roof will have to “talk down” to you or yell. If your child’s building and your scaffold are on the same level, you can speak directly, look each other in the eye, and keep the lines of communication open.
 
Drawing on Dr. Koplewicz’s decades of clinical and personal experience, The Scaffold Effect is a compassionate, street-smart, and essential guide for the ages.

All of the author’s proceeds from the sale of this book will be donated to the Child Mind Institute.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Mental Health, Audiobook, Childrens

272 pages, Hardcover

Published February 2, 2021

Reviews

[Adrienne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened via audible

I mean - can you ever listen to enough parenting books?? Probably - but this was a good one. Heard Dr Koplewicz on Dax Shepherds podcast - Armchair Expert - and decided I wanted to hear more. Like any parenting book - there were parts that applied to me and parts that didn't but overall I like his message and his way of thinking.

[Nursebookie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Scaffold Effect
Dr. Harold Koplewicz

Every parent needs this book for raising resilient, happy and independent children who will be able to solve and manage successfully on their own no matter what life may throw at them. Isn't this what every parent wish for? This book provides the tools and strategies to be able to raise children by not rescuing them or setting them back because we are not teaching and providing the right tools and coping mechanisms.

Dr. Koplewicz philosphy on parenting is to be able to parent well enough so that our children not only are abe to have the right coping mechanisms but are able to choose the right tools for the right situation. Supporting our children when they fail and guiding them rather than rescuing them will allow our children to flourish and become successful and resilient adults.

The coaching aspects of scaffolding begins as early as 4-5 years old and this support and encouragement continues into young adulthood. Each chapter provides guidelines and multiple examples based on real cases.

I have become a firm believer in the scaffolding way of parenting to raise my own children grow to become well adjusted and resilient adults who are able to meet the challenges in life.

I highly recommend this read to every single parent.

[Zach Freeman · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best parenting books I’ve read, highlighting the importance of supporting your kids no matter what. Central to the themes of this book is that you let them take the lead and provide support (scaffolding) rather than trying to control or even overly lead them through life. Let them be who they are and support and encourage them along that path. Great insights into dealing with issues that come up from either external or internal problems. Really felt like I learned from this book and am able to apply a lot of the advice given here.

[Ryan Nuckolls-Rosa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Needed to ruminate on this review a few days. Listened as an audiobook. Overall, I think there was a lot of good data and tactics shared by the President of the mental health and learning disorder nonprofit Child Mind Institute. But I don’t think this is an entry level parenting book and I struggled with what a privileged perspective the content is written from, while rarely (if ever?) acknowledging the resources that are required for this type of support. Every chapter concludes with a table comparing “normal” behavior with problematic vs disordered, which for an anxious mind could be overly simplified and tough to differentiate. I definitely didn’t agree with everything recommended. I cannot think of another parenting book I’ve read that’s been written in the last 5-10 years and places such an emphasis on punishment. I did really like how Dr. Koplewicz reframed therapy and interventions as planning for the future self you want, rather than an urgent response to some deficit.

Lol to the scaffolding metaphor being really, really, really run with. I was surprised that it was never mentioned how scaffolding has been used within education for literal decades, or maybe I missed it?? But that felt like a missed opportunity to explore parallels and contrasts between the role of a teacher vs. parent.

[Ell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! What a wonderfully brilliant and resourceful book. I'm almost left speechless at how thoughtfully written this is. It's a book every parent can benefit from, because let's face it, parenting can be difficult from time to time in today's fast pace and challenging world. There's so much wisdom and care packed into this one book. I HIGHLY recommend parents give this a read.

[Drew · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good grounding in both the literature and practice, clearly written, and wide-ranging. It goes back and forth between general parenting advice and then specifically for disorders, but without transitioning cleanly so the organization was a bit muddled to my eye.

[Chelsey Rothwell · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed parts of this and it had some great information. But it comes from a very privileged perspective.

[Teresa Phares · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I only disagreed with him on a few minor points, this book is one of the most useful parenting books I’ve read and very closely aligns with my personal philosophy of parenting. I would recommend it to all parents.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’VE BEEN DOING IT WRONG THIS WHOLE TIME!!

Seriously, this book is so helpful. I wish I’d had this earlier, but will be applying so much of this right away. This is caring, humane, and loving parenting at its best.

[Kat Young · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t know why this was so hard to get through for me. Overall great parenting advice.for developing your child into a healthy, happy, adult.

[Karen Shilvock-Cinefro · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good source for parenting in the 21st century. Very up to date and some helpful guidelines and suggestions. I will definitely recommend it to parents.

[Marya · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nice metaphor, easy read. I really appreciated the sections where Dr. Kopelwicz differentiates between behavior that is normal, behavior that is problematic, and behavior that is disordered for things like ADHD, dyslexia, and Anxiety disorders. While the overall information is good, it is slanted toward white, straight, males with a fair amount of wealth and all that privilege that such a combination brings. Subjects like drug and alcohol use are discussed here with the author using the example of his three sons. This creates more of a "boys will be boys" narrative rather than a "time to discuss the risk of sexual assault" narrative that would be more likely with a daughter.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had hoped to glean good info for parenting as well as counseling, but I didn't learn much more than I already knew. I was also disappointed that many of the recommendations Dr. Koplewicz makes are not feasible for low-income families. However, the book is easy to read and would be good for the layperson to better understand how to help raise self-sufficient children.

[A · Rating 3 out of 5]

Meh. Three stars for bits and pieces of interesting insight, lost amidst a sea of overexplained similes (if I see the word “plank” one more time…), fairly basic information, and extensive lists (a ten-part list is too complex to be memorable).

Most of the information in this book is pretty ubiquitous in the white, upper-income parenting advice space. I wish the author had addressed the over-scaffolding that comes from diagnosing teens with anxiety/depression and then requiring extensive accommodations from school, camp, etc that winds up shrinking rather than growing teens’ comfort zones. I see this quite frequently as a teacher post-COVID, and though often well-intentioned, the levels of accommodation requested don’t set kids up to be healthy, happy, or self-reliant as adults. This was never really touched upon in the book — and I think it was a missed opportunity.

Other somewhat nitpicky comments: I found the organization to be haphazard, and the flow of the book didn’t really feel linear or logical. I also was pretty done hearing about the author’s amazing sons and all their accomplishments by the end (it felt like gratuitous bragging about how great the parents of these kids are, and how the author managed to avoid the pitfalls he profiles in other parents). Lastly, the author namedropped the Child Mind Institute 3-4 times per chapter which made the entire book seem like one long ad or “sponsored content” for his employer. Ugh.

I did appreciate the author’s distinction between normal, problematic, and disordered versions of behavior. But beyond that, nothing here was groundbreaking or unmissable, and I was too annoyed throughout the book to really get into it.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fantastic parenting book in a realm of its own! Koplewicz teaches a method of parental teaching referred to as scaffolding, which involves letting the child take the lead on their interests and endeavors while we, as parents, provide them with the support they need to achieve their dreams and become who they are meant to be.

I remember, in high school, some kids saying how they had to go to a certain college because their parents went there. In an age of helicopter parenting and so many worried about "Keeping up the Joneses", what a child truly wants or needs can sometimes be stifled out. Their worldy attainments are not representative of their parents, but so many parents pressure their children as if it is. The author provides a simple format on how the parent can be the parent that the child needs. I found his stories and tips extremely healthy as I often struggle on not extending my anxiety to my children. While parents are very essential children's development, they are not a blank slate when born, and naturally will have directions they may go in life. Siblings that grew up, more or less the same, are great examples of this. Not every child will need the same thing and it is important, as parents, to be mindful of the unique scaffolding that each child does need.

The book was very engaging, informative, and readable. While I didn't always agree with everything the author personally did, the beauty of this system, is that I don't have to. The application of scaffolding will look different in each family and with each child.

[Zibby Owens · Rating 5 out of 5]

The premise of the book is brilliant and uses such a great analogy. The whole idea of scaffolding representing your child being built, along with a blueprint and the foundation. Parents are really on the outside, trying to help your child grow. Then once your child is fully formed, we can start taking down the scaffolding so they can stand on their own. And hopefully, if the children were paying attention, they’ll know when to put that scaffolding back up when they need it most. I realized in reading this book that our kids are not here to scaffold us. We have to enable and guide them to be who they're supposed to be without us holding them up. Instead of just giving theories or general ideas, Dr. Harold gives specific, actionable advice, yet he does it in a non-judgmental way.

I'm on the Board of the Child Mind Institute with Dr. Harold Koplewicz. It is an independent nonprofit dedicated exclusively to children's mental health disorders and needs in America. They also work to combat the stigma of childhood mental illness. You can find out more at childmind.org.

To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/drh...

[Sharna Marcus · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I was pregnant nine years ago, I read several parenting books. This would be one that I would have added to my list. Reading it now with a first grader and third grader, and as a high school teacher, I still was able to garner many valuable insights but would have gained more had I read it a few years ago. One thing that I learned is that I’m doing a pretty good job as a parent. I just need to work on some more time for myself. As a teacher, it’s helpful to understand where some of my students’ and parents’ issues might be coming from.

The book lost a star when at the end the author talked about his son’s journey with dyslexia and subsequent academic success to the top. It felt like he was feeding into the anxiety, mania, and elitism of a lot of his clientele that I realized would be the ones who could afford the services of a lot of what he was referencing including the intensive dyslexia treatment his child received. The parents who won’t leave their kids alone about getting straight A’s are reading this book and he brags about his son going to ivy League Schools.

Then I asked myself why was this book seemingly only addressing only one kind of audience and that kind of bothered me, even though I’m that audience.

So maybe in the next edition, leave that part out.

[Patti Borneman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best books on raising children in today's world. The analogy of the scaffold is perfectly used to provide examples of how best to support and guide the development of our children (with many examples of tweens and teens, the area I'm most needing advice on right now). I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants tools for more effective and compassionate communication with young people, and to learn to be strong and believe in ourselves while we are strengthening our children's own resiliency and self-determination. The author's clear and direct language resonated with me and I appreciated the consistently compassionate and thoughtful tone. I checked it out from the library and when it was due, decided to purchase the Kindle edition, so I can refer to it again and again if I need a refresher and reminder. The Child Mind Institute has always impressed me as a valuable resource for parents today, so I wasn't surprised that this would be a excellent book. Again, highly recommended.

[Kristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book very helpful. It is unlike the standard parenting books that have stood the test of time about eating & sleeping. The Scaffold Effect guides you through parenting in today's world. It is contemporary & it uses science to reinforce suggested approaches. The examples given in the text are relevant to life in 2021. The most helpful advice were the ways not to let my own anxiety impact my child. I was already guilty of this & I wasn't even aware of it. Anxiety is often passed down through generations in parenting styles that feel familiar & safe because it is how we were parented. Harold Koplewicz makes the point that we know more about the brain now & how it functions. Therefore, parents should be more open-minded & make use of this knowledge for the benefit of our children. The repetitive scaffold analogy did get old, but it was effective in helping me visualize my role. The most crucial message comes through loud & clear--support your child no matter what & don't be the cause of any anxiety.

[Tangled in Text · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the visual that the parent is creating the scaffolding for their child as they build, offering support along the way. It made the parent step back to see where your child might need more scaffolding and where you can start breaking down the scaffolding because they have conquered that avenue. There are multiple instances like the one below where it addresses common struggles children face then gives examples to really understand which category your child falls in and how to handle each scenario.

Is it Just Shyness?
Normal: Your child needs some transitional time to adjust to new people and environments before she can talk freely.
Problem: Your child habitually avoids interaction because of social anxiety. Shyness is affecting her academic progress.
Disorder: Your child has no problem talking at home but does not speak a word at school or elsewhere and might be paralyzed by social interaction.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading parenting books is always a weird experience as the authors always seem eager to tout their expertise on every page and quote lots of statistics supporting their viewpoint. It is the exact same tone pretty much regardless of which book you are reading, and most say that they have discovered some kind of infallible method for raising happy, independent children. Having done no research on any of this, I usually just have to take their word for it. Most of the advice in this book seems sound and it helps me be more mindful of my strategies in dealing with my kid, even if not all of the advice is age appropriate, but I don’t really know how good this research is. The authors found a single metaphor, not uncommon in parenting and education settings, and wrote an entire book belaboring the point to death. They talk about erecting scaffolding, following blueprints, expanding your child’s building in different directions, understanding the underlying structure of the building, etc, to the point where I was wondering if I was reading the same thing twice because they used the same wording over and over. Most of the advice here boils down to: get your children therapy and specialists if they need it and let them choose their own interests. Not bad advice, and there was food for thought about parents’ attitudes, but one can see the authors’ biases and I’m not sure how much of that is due to their expertise in their field and how much is due to the fallacy of recommending their own methods.

[Megan Murphy · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. This book provides a practical methodology by which parents can guide children and teens to become resilient, self-reliant, and secure adults. By my read, the directives provided in this book are not new, and I would hope that most adults could read this work objectively and understand the sensibility of its recommendations. I appreciated the real-life examples of parent-child dynamics in every chapter. Even someone who is generally intimidated or overwhelmed by parenting books could handle this one. It is very to-the-point and doesn't take long to read. Minor complaints: This book is very metaphor-heavy. I like the visual of the scaffold, but coming back to it at the beginning of every chapter made for a very tired illustration by the end. It also felt at times like the author was trying to plug his practice. Because the introduction provided details about the Child Mind Institute (and the names and distinctions of each clinician), additional mentions seemed unnecessary.

[Laurie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful book that likens the strategy of raising children to building a scaffold, whereby the scaffold is erected based on stable, good parenting practices along with steady, supportive and warm emotional nourishment. Once those valuable life skills have been learned and incorporated into a child’s personality, then a gradual loosening of parental support can be the most effective way to encourage children to try new things, develop character, and resilient strength. This book provides a wonderful insight into a thoughtful and strategic way of raising children who need to be strong as they encounter the often-times difficult years leading to adulthood, and the ability to make independent decisions without being swept along by their peer crowd. Thanks for the free book @Harmony Rosalie!

[Giuliano · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best parenting book I've ever read. It provides a simple yet effective framework to support our young ones to grow into healthy and well balanced adults.
The secret recipe entails erecting a scaffold around the children, and allowing them to safely fail, while maintaining boundaries and praising positive behaviour.
It's not rocket science, but this book packages these strategies into easy to remember concepts and is permeated by optimism, positivity and constant reminders that it all starts with us, the parents. And that we must take responsibility for both ensuring we look after ourselves physically and emotionally and for maintaining (and eventually dismantling) the scaffold.
If in doubt, give this book a read. You will likely find some useful and easy to implement advice - and good luck!

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Harold S Koplewicz, MD does it again - a meaningful, action-oriented book with real anecdotes about real families and real children. Research-based, thoughtful - how do we help ourselves as parents so we can support our children with scaffolding that includes teaching self-advocacy. Parents, clinicians and children learn from making mistakes - such an important part of developing a life-long growth mindset. Terrific resources and references.The Scaffold Effect: Raising Resilient, Self-Reliant, and Secure Kids in an Age of Anxiety

[Kle · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very comprehensive and down to earth parenting guide that can help parents assess their parenting influence in parenting choices. It is less of a ‘strategy guide’ (while it does provide clear suggestions and examples) and more of a guidebook to explore your parenting strengths and where your parenting skills can grow. It focuses primarily on the relationship that you have with your child and how do use that relationship to build upon the child’s unique needs. I would recommend this to any parent at any stage to build upon and continue to improve their own journey as parents. It normalizes mental health challenges while also exploring how to manage normal developmental challenges in ways that promote growth.

[Erinn · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderfully written book, filled with many great insights for parents and teachers alike.

As a former teacher, and someone who now works around kids whose lives have been filled with intense trauma, I recognize the importance of the strategies outlined in this book. It also brings a great awareness of the lack of many of these strategies being employed today. Even in my time working directly with children a few years ago, I noticed the amount of parenting falling on teachers and school staff vs. a child's actual parents.

With the rising rates of anxiety in our world, Dr. Koplewicz's book comes at a very appropriate time. If parents and caregivers can employ the strategies in this book, the next generation of children will be better equipped to thrive in our ever-changing world.

[Emily]

I’m holding off on rating this at the moment. I’m done reading it for now but I did not finish. I stopped listening at chapter 9. I don’t know if I was just irritated at the time but it seemed to take a hard turn in a different direction than it was going previously.
I appreciated the emphasis on supporting your kids and the urging to help yourself as a parent. Especially the bit about looking at your phones social media usage to see how much time you have and how draining it and tv etc actually is. But when it started talking about punishments I felt like it totally jumped the tracks I thought it was smoothly gliding on. I’ll eventually update this review once I bring myself to reread and finish.

Worth reading is Chapter 2 and I bookmarked the self care checklist.

[Sarah Buckleitner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really interesting parenting read--a smart, systematic way to look at the monumental task of raising a human, and the scaffolding metaphor really worked for me. The only thing that I wasn't keen on was the chapter on punishment, encouraging time outs. I'm with the gentle parents on this one that time outs don't actually teach kids tools--I'd rather talk to my kids authentically about what was going on, figure out why they acted out, and then help them think through how they could react differently next time. They also disconnect kids from parents, which I tend to find makes things worse. But otherwise I found the book very encouraging and really appreciated the level of research included to back the author's statements.

[Ann Straight · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of age specific information given. I think big families probably will use the whole book at one time. The new parent needs to spend time in bonding long before reading about the nightmare stage that teenagers can bring into the picture. Yet being said, the Marijuana information at the end might be more valuable to the new parent.

I felt like it was deliberately written at the 8th grade level to reach more parents and suit people who have little time to read, (i.e.parents). Philosophy wise I think there is some very good stuff to apply but hate the term scaffold for some reason.