Denial: My 25 Years Without a Soul

by Jonathan Rauch

A young boy sitting on a piano bench realizes one day that he will never marry. At the time this seems merely a simple, if odd, fact, but as his attraction to boys grows stronger, he is pulled into a vortex of denial. Not just for one year or even ten, but for 25 years, he lives in an inverted world, a place like a photographic negative, where love is hate, attraction is envy, and childhood never ends. He comes to think of himself as a kind of monster--until one day, seemingly miraculously, the world turns itself upright and the possibility of love floods in.

Equal parts Oliver Sacks and George Orwell, with a dash of Woody Allen, Jonathan Rauch's memoir is by turns harrowing and funny, a grippingly intimate journey through a bizarre maze of self-torment that ends with an unexpected discovery. Many people, gay and straight, have lived through their own versions of this story, seeking to twist their personality in directions it just wouldn't go. Not all have been lucky enough to escape.

First published in 2013, Denial has been revised for this new edition, which includes a new afterword by the author.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, LGBT, Biography, Biography Memoir, Sexuality, Autobiography

128 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2013

Reviews

[Kathrin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone that has the nerve to say that being gay is a lifestyle choice needs to read this book.

[Ian · Rating 4 out of 5]

My bias... I am a straight male that views homosexuality as a choice, and a bad one at that with clear undeniably poor outcomes for people who choose it.

That said, I have an open mind, and I read this to try to put myself in the shoes of people on the other side of the ideological divide. This book provided an excellent counterpoint to my understanding, and exposed heterosexual readers such as myself to the uniquely different perspective that gay members of our society experience. A lot of the challenges he faced never even occurred to me. I really appreciated his perspective in admitting that there are many difficulties and challenges unique to the homosexual lifestyle that the majority do not face. In fact he admits that “homosexuality is a mild disability”. Given the flamboyence of the gay movement in general, this was a very refreshing read into the mind of someone who has lived the human experience in a totally different way than I have and can speak openly of its advantages and failings.

Highly recommended for other heterosexual readers.

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recently heard Russell Moore recommend this brief book. It is a poignant, eye-opening, first-person account of a gay man’s painful struggle for self-understanding and search for identity. The honesty is raw, the images vivid, the writing exquisite. Every Christian should read this book. Even though our worldview, and therefore many of our presuppositions and conclusions, are different than Rauch’s, “Denial: My 25 Years without a Soul” will build understanding, fire compassion, deepen empathy, and nurture the kind of Christ-reflecting love we ought to feel—and exercise—toward every image-bearer of God.

[Brittany · Rating 4 out of 5]

"...all I wanted was to be normal, which is really what any child or teenager wants."
"But how I do ache, sometimes, over the theft of my youth."

This was really powerful for me. I often felt "monstrous" and different-- like I never fit in. Though I am a heterosexual female, I can greatly relate to feeling ostracized when it came to my appearance and my weight compared to my peers. As we grow older and more mature, we come to live with our differences and notice that differences are what make each person unique and beautiful. We must appreciate each day, love each other, and bask in the beauty of each stage of our lives. Finding yourself and accepting yourself are some of the most difficult tasks you can ever tackle.

"How can I describe to you what it was like to be awakened to the ability to love? It was rehabilitating, it was redeeming: not the state of love (or of lust), but the possibility of love."

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

"I recall childhood as a series of moments in a continual present thrust right up in my face, with no past or future. Though I learned, I do not remember acquiring knowledge. My discovery on that afternoon came as an announcement which presented itself with a bow and sat down to take its appointed place in my conscious mind. It must have been, however, part of a long unfolding. A few things had gone before, and later would come much more. Only in retrospect, long after the fact, was I able to find any pattern in the skein. And what a strange pattern it turned out to be! To have been twisted up in it, controlled by it, bent and helpless like a tied tree! Today, as I look back from middle age, the contorted condition of my youth has become incomprehensible to me. What you read here is a piecing together of shards, a backwards reading of an ancient script. The feeling that made sense of that world is gone, thank God."

And so begins the tale of Rauch's life from childhood to adulthood. It's a brutally honest and intelligent reflection on the innermost workings of his mind as he discovered and came to terms with his true self. Rauch exposes to the world his deepest vulnerabilities, those childhood thoughts that most people repress so as to never see the light of day. In a way it's amazing how he almost unconsciously manipulated his own mind to maintain the denial of his homosexuality. I flew through this book, his thought processes are so relatable and intuitive to my own when I deal with anxieties or insecurities. I think a lot of people will be able to connect to his story, especially those more prone to introspection, regardless of particulars, insecurity and repression are pretty common as we grow up and "find ourselves".

[Franco · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jonathan says: 'I began to realize, by the time I was about 15 or 16, that there were three classes of young man... There were the masculine gods, so unselfconsciously and enviably magnificent; there were the regular boys, so unselfconsciously and blessedly ordinary. And there was also a third class, a category for boys who would be grateful even to be unself-consiously ordinary, so that they could be released from their prison of sullen envy. The third class consisted of me. I occupied it alone.'
He was most certainly not alone. It takes a lot of guts to open your heart like this and show the inner workings of your body, mind and soul. The book is beautifully written. I have never read anything written quite like this before. I couldn't put it down.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A love letter indeed

Rauch writes with deep understanding and lyrical beauty about his own coming of age. I ended the book with tears in my eyes.

[William Sillyman · Rating 5 out of 5]

A life revisited

There is much about this story so very similar to my own life. So much I can relate to. I know what it is like be live without a soul.

[John Lam · Rating 1 out of 5]

I liked the idea of this book however it's to educate a heterosexual reader. He doesn't talk about the deep gritty experiences of being a confused homosexual.

Also, his writing isn't strong for a memoir. It read more like a news article.

[John Majors · Rating 3 out of 5]

A friend recommended this book as a look inside the journey a man began in his boyhood to discover his sexual identity. Difficult to read in places, though not graphic, but not for everyone. With all the writing/reading I've been doing on "identity," it was helpful to read his perspective.

[chris cullen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading Jonathan Rauve’s old book Denial: my 25 years without a soul is an extremely intimate and inspiring experience mainly because Rauve is a homosexual writer whose experience resonated with my own deeply.

Born in 1960, Rauve grew up in a conservative neighborhood receiving negative information of the gay group and developed all sorts of stereotypes against gay culture or even the concept of gay.

According to his own words, to avoid being discovered of his uniqueness, or maybe differentness, he chose to close his mind about romantic life and conjectured a theory so elaborate that it, in a way, even crippled him. Fortunately, his bubble like prison, encompassing all aspects of his sexuality, was popped when he was turning 25. Since his awakening, he has become a hardheaded supporter for gay rights.

It only took me two days to finish the book. I lost count how many times I felt like I was reading my journal. The fixation and fantasies revolving around male bodies and reading magazines of bodybuilding were also my boyhood idiosyncrasies. Although he didn’t realize it at the time, he had a crush on a boy, Warren. I, however, for years thought about a boy from my class. Jonathan was Warren’s sidekick when Warren pursued body building. My boy and I spent three years eating hundreds of dinners together. Even when we entered university, we still watched movie and ate together regularly. Jonathan never came out to Warren until the book was done. My came out was met with nothing but disappointment. Jonathan’s closest relationship before turning 25 was his “friendship” with his late professor. Mine last was in the bedroom of Edinburgh. Nothing serious happened to both of us. No sex, no heart racing, no anything.

For many years, Jonathan believed that marriage was not possible for him. He accepted his fate and carried on. I can’t remember starting from when, but I now also doubt the possibility of getting married.

Jonathan was 55, when the American Supreme Court officially legalized gay marriage in the U.S. He got what he wanted and fought for. I on the other hand, see no lights at the other end of the tunnel..

[Omar Aguilar-Pelayo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great way book!

Remind me if myself. Very inspiring words to help come out to family. Love the way he refers to gay people and not creating categories. Recommend

[Heriberto Vizcarra · Rating 3 out of 5]

A deep and obsessive understanding

The book has a good prose. It goes over, and over, on the same topic, finding so many different ways to describe the same feelings.

[Mary DeLoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thought provoking.

[Beth · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

Within Jonathan Rauch's short volume, I discovered much to reflect upon. This is the only book of this type I've ever read, so I have nothing to compare it to. I absolutely admire his courage. That may seem trite or predictable to say, but I think writing about one's life is always vulnerable and risky, and he's sharing a highly personal journey in a very public way. I think it's always appropriate to acknowledge the strength that takes.

I was reading it through the filter of my straight-married-female experience, and it might sound odd, but I'd never really thought about the fact that I'd never really thought about my orientation! It was something I took for granted. That said, there are other aspects of my personality and history that I *did* have to work through, so Jonathan's message about understanding and owning who you are resonated. The moment when he finally broke through was such a relief... it's like someone opened up the curtains to the light after only knowing the darkness. I think anyone who's ever lived with a secret or feeling of shame will identify with that moment of freedom.

The star.5 off is because I felt the narrative grew a bit repetitive at times. Otherwise, I found the writing engaging, insightful and definitely thought-provoking.

[Gochrisgo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting, quick read. There are some beautiful, telling passages. My favorite is when the writer rear ends another car because he was staring at a man, but still can't consider that he might be gay.

The writer uses a unique internal monologue style to try to make us feel what it feels like inside to discover you are gay.

The writing style can feel antiquated; if this writer is truly so accepting of his own homosexuality, why doesn't he use the word gay?

After reading many chapters about his teen crush, I was thrilled to read he is now married to a man. It would give closure to hear more about his husband and current relationship.

I find it frustrating that this writer says being gay is a "mild disability". That is an indefensible position in 2013.

[Andrew · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a quirky little book, a fun but quick read. While I believe the title of the book is a bit melodramatic, I do like Rauch's writing style. He shares a lot of very private information, and at times, I felt like I was wandering around in the basement of Rauch's subconscious, picking up a memory from this table, or looking at a childhood object from that. I think his story, though, is a bit more normal than he might like to believe. Also, I would very much like to know what Paul, the person about whom Rauch writes at length, thinks of this book. Overall, though, I liked the book, and would consider reading other titles by Rauch.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars

This short biography is not exactly a traditional coming-out story in that it focuses primarily on the psychological inversion that the author experiences for twenty-five years, beginning in early adolescence. The writing is at times philosophical and could be, perhaps, a bit more streamlined in places. But on the whole it's a very honest and revealing account of a heart and mind battling confusion, getting lost along the way, and constructing a worldview to make sense of it all. The happy (if short and sketchy) conclusion reunites Rauch with his soul, his ability to love, and ultimately to the relationship he thought he would never have.

[Eva · Rating 3 out of 5]

Could kindle quotes:

Once a month, making sure to be vague about where I was going, I would walk 20 minutes to the No. 40 bus stop and ride half an hour downtown, hungrily seize the latest issue of Muscle Builder (what a title!), and spirit it home in a brown bag, to be stashed in that cabinet next to my bed. Pornography is as pornography does. I would have hidden away a postcard of the Mona Lisa if it had had the effect upon me of those muscle magazines. - location 270

One cannot have lived differently. - location 1071

[Cate · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was wonderful. I devoured it. What courage to tell such a harrowing coming out story. There is no denying the complexity and myriad variances of human experience. And at the end of the day, that's what we all are: human.

[Sandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a short but informative book on one person's journey. It's easy for straight people to hear some "facts" about homosexuality and try to apply them to every situation.
Well-written. I would like to hear more about his story.

[Tyler · Rating 3 out of 5]

"I could say that the ostracism is not remotely as oppressive as the dread of it; that lovelessness corrupts the soul, and cowardice the spirit, far more than homosexuality, or sexuality of whatever sort, corrupts anything."

[Felipe · Rating 4 out of 5]

A brief, funny and poignant little book that should be read more. I laughed at times for the way the story is told is tragic, but humorous. The author not only tells a relatable story, but does so in an attractive way, making use of his lexicon. Charming.

[Elspeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

enjoyed immensely, eye-opening and engaging for the most part, struck me as a little in love with his own prose now and then.

No regrets, I'd buy (and will read) it again. :-)

[Gail Fulkerson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Denial by Jonathan Rauch

Good first try at a biographical novel. It is difficult to lay one's life bare on the pages of a manuscript. I applaud Mr Rauch's courage.

[Heather Middlebrooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

So insightful.